Here's the link to my old story. Any thoughts or critiques on this would be appreciated.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11323259/1/The-Elementals

Frisk took the boat. Vision rode along but took every chance to fly along the way. The young one did not notice the suddenly change in powers. Focusing still ahead, she called out to her android teammate.


“So what is this store called?”


“My records state that it is titled ‘Dolly’s Datacatessen.’”


That pun is so good, Frisk was shocked she never seen it used before back in her world.


Not long, the beautiful island city came into view upon the horizon.




Not long, the pair was walking along the urban streets of downtown Costa del Sol. It was just as packed as it was when frisk had been there the day before. The sights and smells were kind of over stimulating, especially when that voluptuous croc lady got too close and filled her nostrils with the worst smelling perfume imaginable. She envied her partner’s robot nose.


Eventually, they reached a clearing the crowd where the kid finally got a breath of fresh air.


“Oh god, is poop perfume just in this year?” Exclaimed Frisk as she gasps for air.


“Yes actually.” Said Vision after a quick scan of the internet.


“Wait really?”


“Vanilluxe Excrement by Pokeflowers Inc.” He began, literally reading the wiki article in his head. “It is manufactured by the dropping of and ice cream pokemon. It is popular because the vanilla aroma is present but not enough to be overbearing. Mostly worn by reptiles, particularly the cold blooded sort.”


The look of disgust only rivaled the one she would have given the cannibal lady if she wasn’t trying to be diplomatic at the time.


Trying to find anything to distract herself, she focused her vision on the other side of the road. In one of the alleys, obscured in the shadows, was some teenager using a spray can on the side of the building. She remembered back home, Grillby’s would often fall victim to human teens, painting up the walls with whatever vulgar crap that would come to mind. Flaring with righteous anger, did a 90 degree turn and marched street towards the alley, surprising Vision.


“Where are you going Frisk?” He asked. When she didn’t respond, he followed.


“What’s the big idea?!” Yelled Frisk as soon as she was earshot of the teen. He quickly stopped what he was doing to look at the little one. “Do you know how hard it is to clean that stuff up? You’re causing so much trouble for the local businesses! That’s not your property so stop being a jerk!”


The teen stepped out from his place by the wall and made his way towards the child, and with each step it became clear he was no normal teen. His skin was bright red, his eyes a golden yellow, small horns adorned his head. His glare almost gave Frisk shivers. He waited until he was in sunlight before he finally spoke.


“Maybe you’d like to say that again?” He said, chuckling, a smile of sharp teach spreading across his face.


“I said stop being a jerk!” Frisk yelled. She was intimidated, but she didn’t survive the underground without knowing how to stand her ground.


“Ooh, feisty. Maybe you need to learn a lesson.” He said as he pulled out a dagger from his pocket.

Stepping through the gateway of Coruscant, Jacket came out trying to get over the weird feeling of that kind of traveling. He realizes that he appeared to be inside a huge building that appeared to be a welcome center having an high advanced metallic interior. It was busy with people and species passing each other especially more of those white stormtroopers. What stand before the gateway was a big golden statue of Emperor Palpatine in a welcoming posture to travelers and newly citizens. A plaque was at the bottom of the statue recognizing his name and as ruler of the Empire. To Jacket, the emperor didn't look like a harsh or mean person but sometimes you can never judge a book by it's cover. Holographic words spell above the statue in "Welcome".  Hanging from the big walls on both sides of the room was huge velvet banners that had the symbol of the empire. This does give Jacket a feeling that he is in some kind of different age of civilization.

Jacket starts making his way further through the welcome center passing by humans and strange creature citizens that he has never seen before. They looked like they were from a movie or television show. This is starting to give him vibes that he is definitely not in 1989 anymore. After walking pass the monument, behind it was a welcoming desk that took up a lot of room with multiple people working behind it having many advanced computers in their work space also having a big holographic sign that everyone can read with blue letters saying "Coruscant Information Center". Plus, there were several lines at the desk that had some cubicle walls dividing each line and part of the desk. It was similar to a DMV as if getting something renewed or your first driving license. Jacket comes up to one of the lines and stands behind it creating a spot for him. Soon after, a few showed up behind Jacket that were mixed with species. The once Miami resident tries to not make any distraction at staring at some aliens and fantasy species.

Time goes by slowly for Jacket standing in line as he inches closer to the welcoming desk that it appears where you get your first ID of the Empire to recognize. The building was filled with a lot of noise of people talking and droids walking by doing there daily jobs that they were programed to do. Still, Jacket was kinda baffling out from this world he stepped into. After a half an hour passes by, Jacket was now second in place of the line to be interviewed for his new ID with an elder male dwarf in front of him beginning his interview. It took twelve minutes for the dwarf to finish his review and walks out of the cubicle guided to the exit between the two lines where a sign directed them.

"Next!" yelled the middle aged female helper inside the cubicle space signaling Jacket it's his turn.

He moves into the cubicle leaving the big diverse line behind him entering the small office area. A guest chair was set in front of the counter that had the lady behind with white walls on each side where the immigrants or travelers sit at dividing the other office spaces.

"State that you are a prime or secondary." said the imperial business attire dressed red head caucasian female with reading glasses on getting ready to type on her computer.

"Prime." answered Jacket sitting down in the chair.

"How much do you know about the Omniverse?" questioned the helper typing away on her clean computer.

"I just arrived today." replied Jacket staring back at the helper.

"Oh, your a fresh one then I see." said the helper still typing.

"Well that helps me a lot since this of course has to be your first time visiting Coruscant." continued the helper.

"What's your age?" questioned the helper still working on his ID.

"Twenty five" answered Jacket.

"Do you have a name?" continued the helper finishing up his application.

"Well... I can't remember." said Jacket back to the helper which she didn't have a problem with his statement.

"That's alright, this tends to happen sometimes to the newly primes. We have an ID number that can help out with that." said the helper looking up away from her screen at Jacket.

After two minutes of typing up the last details of his new ID, the helper finished the interview and start to print out Jacket's card. She hands the card to him which he does accept it and examines. The card felt like his old ID but the whole thing was white with red imprinted words with information about him along with an Empire seal of approval. He stuffs the card in his back pocket of the pants then gets up from the chair.

"Welcome to Coruscant." greeted the helper in a tired tone then yells "Next!"

Jacket walks out of the cubicle and proceeds to follow the instructions on the sign where the exit is to get out of the crowded lines. There were two big exits of the main room that were on each side of the information desk. He walks between the two long lines away from the desk and progresses to get to the closest one to him. Still getting out of the main room, it was bustling with more people all over the Omniverse. After leaving, Jacket had to make his way down a large hallway that had potted tropical plants along some walls and benches that some citizens rested at. Cleanness was what the hallway looked like and slick too as if the Empire does at least try to keep the Welcome Center clean as possible. Holographic advertisements were included on some projectors standing in the middle. The black machines were taller and thick then jacket but they didn't take up too much space. The advertisements included some brands of perfume/cologne, Technological products, Pepsi, and Imperial propaganda.

He did notice the advertisements and payed attention to them but most of the things that were shown he had never seen before. These made him feel like the year he came from were the stone ages. The only one he recognized was Pepsi which he does drink at times. After making through the hallway, he ends up outside of the large welcoming center in a massive transit area that was a large platform filled with a lot of citizens waiting for hovering buses, advanced bullet trains, and taxis. One part of the platform was for the railway and the other for hovering transportation. The time of the day felt like it was noon as the sun was high up with clear skies shining down upon the skyline of the huge and successful technological city. This was massive compared to Miami and made Jacket felt really small compared to this place having giant glass buildings standing taller then the average city building he was used to. They look like they can even have more people in it. From the sight of the skyline, Jacket stand there in awe at the clean looking city.

Quote:This is not the world you know…

So, here we go, the moment everyone (Meaning about two people) has been waiting for. Yukki has successfully earned the right to challenge Luci for her bounty. We are on Tier five of Coruscant, Yukki is outside of the building that Luci is inside of. Luci has asked to do a little intro post before the fight itself, and I'm fine with that. 

We need to agree on rules and a judge/set of judges for the fight, because odds are, we're gonna fight. So, here's what I propose:

Word Limit: 1000 
Posts Per Player: 3 
Time Limit: 48 hours 
Random Elements: Off 
Damage Meter: On 

As for a Judge, I'll really take anyone who wants to volunteer their time to judge this (Although I have a bias towards having Mark and/or Jade), but anyone who has some experience and wants to judge is acceptable to me. 

Also, side note. I just realized while I was writing this that our names rhyme. Pretty weird, huh?

Character name: Gabrielle "Ellie the Wraith" Colbert

Character source: Original

Character history:

Ellie was an ordinary middle-class woman living in a modern city. She had a job that could stand to her pay a lot more, numerous geeky interests, and a snarky sense of humour. When it came to people who were likely to leave their mark on history, she certainly didn't seem to be in the running.

Until she...kinda sorta...died, at the age of twenty-five.

Ellie doesn't talk about how she died, though that's mostly because she claims that she can't remember. Besides, she'd insist, the important part was that she came back, in a form that wasn't quite alive anymore but wasn't nearly as dead as she should be. She'd become what she'd later learn was called a wraith, an undead creature that required emotional energy, specifically fear, sorrow, and anger, to survive in place of ordinary food.

Not having been aware that the undead were an actual, real thing, this alone would be a curve ball. The fact that, only months later, the zombie apocalypse happened managed to top it, though. For years, she joined other undead--more wraiths, along with ghosts, vampires, and ghouls--in doing what they could for humanity, rescuing and protecting survivors as well as scavenging in the ruins for anything that would help them survive. After all, you couldn't be turned into a zombie if you were already dead. Along the way, Ellie found the two things that would later become her trademarks: A black stetson hat, and a set of steel golf clubs.

As civilization began to rebuild itself and needed fewer protectors, Ellie became a drifter, watching the post-outbreak world take on its new shape while doing her best to stay out the way of the movers and shakers. With their heroics forgotten over human generations, wraiths came to be considered the equivalent of vultures, gathering at the outskirts of settlements to feed on the 'scraps' of emotional energy, and the growing disdain for her from the people kept her moving even when she might have been tempted to settle down.

The last thing that Ellie remembers clearly is being on a train to one of the major settlements, the first time she'd set foot in the place in over twenty years. There's a lot of fuzz between then and her involuntary audience with Omni, and she tries not to dwell on it. This is some grade-A mindscrew, but it'd take a weaker psyche than hers to break in the face of it; she's just going to do what she always does and keep moving forward.

Physical Description:

At first glance, from a distance, Ellie would look human to most. She's a hundred and sixty five centimeters (just under five feet, five inches) tall and has a lean physique with little curves to be found; trying to gauge her age from sight alone would likely place her as anywhere from late teens to early twenties. The first tip-off that she's something other than human, however, is the fact that her pale skin has a sickly tone to it, as if she'd been drained of blood, and has no marks on it, not even scars. Her hair, cut into a messy bob, is a white-grey that makes it look as though it's been stripped of all pigment.

The real indication, however, is Ellie's eyes. She lacks any visible sclera or pupil, her eyes instead being a solid icy blue that give her a haunting, seemingly-empty stare. Because of how unnerving people tend to find them, she'll walk around with sunglasses or with the brim of her hat pulled down. The rest of her face is reasonably normal, with a small nose, thin lips, and understated cheekbones, though when she opens her mouth, an onlooker can see that her canine teeth are a bit longer and sharper than the average human's. Ellie has no idea why she has fangs, though, as she doesn't eat physical food anymore, but her best guess is that it's an indication of her distant relation to vampires.

Ellie's clothing helps to work against her eerier traits, as she tends to dress herself up as a cowgirl. Boots, vest, the whole she-bang, complete with a jet black stetson hat that she's been known to go to ludicrous lengths to protect. The only thing missing is the guns, really, but happens to be as far from a sharp-shooter as someone can get, instead relying on her trusty golf club to get the job done.

Stats:
ATK: 3
DEF: 3
SPD: 3
TEC: 1

Starting Proficiencies:
Physical Strength (1000 OM)

Starting Powers:
Burst Movement (800 OM)
Basic Super Jumping (300 OM)
Survival (2000 OM)

Starting Moves:

Sand Wedge (requires Physical Strength) (300OM)

A steel golf club with a heavy head normally meant for getting balls out of sand bunkers, which has been re-purposed as a weapon. With a short, 85 cm shaft, it doesn't have as much reach as another club would, but makes up for it with sheer impact. Ellie swings her club similarly to a baseball player with a bat, with a visible wind-up that makes her attacks easier to dodge in exchange for a harsher strike.

I confirm that I have read and agreed to the Rules of Conduct.

Where did you find us?
RPG-Directory

PName: Praetorian

Source: Alien

History: 

Taken from its Hive, this particular Xeno is a Praetorian, one of the higher echelons of the Xenomorph hierarchy. The primary focus of the Praetorian guard is to protect and serve the direct needs of the queen. After being ripped from its lifestyle so abruptly, the animalistic creature has some form of sentient thought, although nothing comparable to most other races. After much panic, it is very wary and will approach the entirety of the Omniverse as hostile.

Appearance: 

Standing at ten feet tall, the Praetorian is much taller than Xenomorph Drones, and rather than travel on all fours as most of its lower brethren, the Praetorian is mostly bipedal. It has a pitch black skin that closely resembles a skeletal design, albeit with a few key differences. Everything about the Xeno looks engineered for destruction, from its razor sharp talons, to its long, bladed tail. It's blood is highly acidic, although the acid itself has no effect on the Alien. It's head bears a crest similar to a queen, and is one of the features that set it apart from most other Xenomorph subtypes. Its tail is around eleven feet long, and tipped with a wicked sharp end.


STATS:
STR: 3
DEF: 2
SPD:3
TEC:2

Starting Proficiencies: Physical Strength (1000) Ranged Proficiency (1000) 

Starting Powers: Super Jump- Advanced (500) Master Acrobat (400) Enhanced Senses- Basic (1400)

Starting Moves:

Claws (Physical-300)

Really one of the orangey weapons of any and all Xenomorph, the long, almost metallic talons of the Praetorian protrude about four inches off the end of each individual digit of both hands. The are designed to cut flesh with ease and can be used while moving, as well as while stationary, they have no need to be summoned as they are quite literally a part of the Aliens body. The effective ranges of which they can be used is the immediate vicinity of the Praetorians reach (about six feet).

Tail (Ranged, Physical-300)

Another staple of Xenomorph combat, the long, whiplike tail had features unique to each class in Alien society. The Praetorians tail is eerily similar to that of a Warrior, with strong muscles and a wide, bladed tip. It is eleven feet long, and is used to impale enemies, as well as slash if the situation call for it. The tail can be used while moving, as well as stationary, the maximum range being eleven feet.

Quote:This thread is closed to everyone but Dawnika Snow and Aegis. Please do not post in it.

Quote:Searching for King Ghidorah with Aegis. 446/~8000

It's been awhile since I've been here but I'd love tips on how to improve Marcus or Jak. I enjoy trying new stuff and writing different characters.

I'd appreciate it.