Reb's Free C&C

[Trixie]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...9#pid62009

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...1#pid73111

Alright so this was right before I went on hiatus for a while, but i feel like it was pretty strong, and a good demonstration of Demetri's cunning, strategy, and a bit of his frailness. I was also about to post a link for my alt, Dave Strider, but almost forgot that one roleplay per person ^~^ perhaps after this i will let a few others go before I request a C&C for Dave.

-RUN-ON SENTENCES. Easy to write, difficult to read. You do them a lot. I do too, trust me. It's a hard habit to break. The first paragraph alone was packed full of em. Here is an example:

==Then, as the combination of attacks from the attacking front managed to weaken the primal being for just a moment, the Headmaster, in his new form, took her out from the sky, bringing her to the ground, stirring up a cloud of dust while small spurts of magma sprouted from the new crater in the Ashen.==

So that's one sentence. Remember that when you are writing this, you want to display in such a way that the reader is able to follow it in their head. When a sentence drags on and on like that, their mind kind of drags with it, as they aren't sure when the thought is going to end. It made the first few paragraphs (which was all action) difficult for me to follow.

Here is how I'd fix it:

==Then, the combination of attacks from the attacking front managed to weaken the primal being for just a moment. The Headmaster (now in his new form) took her out from the sky to the ground, which stirred up a cloud of dust while small spurts of magma sprouted from the new crater in the Ashen. ==

Try to remember that a short sentence is not a bad sentence. It's okay to say things like 'He put the book down' instead of explaining in detail what the book looked like. Some people are scared of not using adjectives on every little thing. That's the beginning of the 'run-on sentence' problem, and it evolves from there. (Like I said...I suffer from run-on sentence-itis too)

-ALL ACTION. I would have liked to get into your character's head a bit. I suppose this is a writing preference thing, but it kind of felt like I was watching a movie as opposed to reading a story. The cool thing about the written word is that you can really get into thoughts and emotions. You focused almost entirely on actions. Not being able to feel Demetri's struggle left me missing a dimension I think you needed.

+DETAILS. I mean, you know you solid details. There is a sense of confidence in the way you describe things. I also appreciate that you don't use big words all the time. I tend to keep a thesaurus open all the time and sometimes that hurts me because I rely on so much. You manage to keep a solid vocabulary without going off the wall with it. Remember, your narrator is a POWERFUL tool. They can explain anything, from recapping the past to walking the reader through the present, to hinting at the future.

+SUPPORTING CHARACTER. I like IRIS.

+DIALOGUE. On that note, I enjoyed your dialogue, especially with your secondary.

+ENDING. Really felt like I was watching a young adult movie where the hero is fighting a dragon. Physical scenes are definitely your forte.


Grade: *** and 1/2 stars.


Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.

[Blink]

Closed for requests until I catch up

[Trixie]

You don't have to do mine if you don't want.

[Blink]

You don't have to do mine if you don't want.

Oh, I will. No worries. =P I'm gonna catch up on this thread this weekend, as well as roleplay for my own character.

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...9#pid62009

-DIALOGUE. You didn't have a lot of it so I can't speak too much on the topic, but I wish you would up the sentences a bit more. The first paragraph of dialogue had like four or five sentences straight without a break. Try to fit some action in there...either Trixie reacting or some thoughts about what is being said. Just something to break it up.

-OVER-DETAILED? Sure, the shower scene was sexy (and super well written), but it did feel kind of unnessecary to the plot. You spent like 1k words on the bath/shower alone and eventually I was kind of like...okay, ready to move on now. Maybe if you had fit some plot in there, you might have gotten away with it. 

-ALL ACTIONS. You spent a lot of effort on actions, but I would have liked to get into Trixie's head a little bit and find what she's thinking. The difference between a movie and a book is that you can only SEE things in a movie, but in a book you can KNOW things. I felt like I was reading a movie scene. What did Trixie think about her situation? How did she react internally when Sia was kissed her (not just the physical stirring).

-PLOT. I didn't get enough plot. The whole roleplay, while VERY well-written, can be summed up by saying 'Trixie takes a bath before her big day.'



+OPENING. I like how the reader and Trixie are both brought into this scene at the same time. It evens the playing field and lets both of them learn things at the same time.

+DETAILS. I haven't read your stuff since way back in the days of Chubbs (so it's been easily...5+ years). You've really grown as a writer. Not just grown, but...matured. I don't know if you kept a thesaurus opened like I did, but you barely repeated any adjectives and you really painted a scene for the reader.

+CONTENT. I feel like you handled the [M] tag like a professional. I didn't feel at any point uncomfortable or that I was reading a pornographic story. It was classy. Pinky up!


Grade: *** and 3/4 stars.


Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.

[Blink]

This roleplay is called the Searing Sword. It's the first one outside of the Nexus that Warren did.

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=5399

This is for the last roleplay.


-WEIRD STRUCTURE. Some paragraphs you split up by double-spacing your breaks, and some you didn't split them up at all. Make sure you hit preview before you post and fix stuff like that. It looks clunky to the reader. Also, hard to read for the 'no breaks.' No problem if you MEANT to use no breaks or double breaks, but try to keep it consistant through the whole roleplay.

On the same note, you double-space after each period. That's not a problem (because it's consistant). But you also double-space after a comma. Don't do that.

-CONTENT. The whole thing was kind of boring. No offense intended. He just cleaned some cars, then had a LOT of internal dialogue. I don't know where the plot is. Plus, it being the last post in that thread, I expected a bit more wrap-up. Maybe if you had a stormtrooper come over and taunt him and/or lecture him? That would have fit some plot in.

-STRETCHING YOUR WORD COUNT. You clearly are going for word count here. It's obvious based on how often you repeat or re-word sentences in order to make it seem longer. I get it, you like OM, but it doesn't read well when you do that. You could have said a lot more with a lot less.



+NARRATOR. I like your use of narrating to get into Warren's head and describe what he's feeling. Not just that, but you set the scene well for the reader, by explaining anything that they might not be caught up. The narrator is an excellent recap tool.



Grade: *1/2 stars.


Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.

[Kyle Crane]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=5872
Would love your opinions on Firewall. (Yes, I chose this instead of Imperial Disarray.)

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=5872
Would love your opinions on Firewall. (Yes, I chose this instead of Imperial Disarray.)

Which roleplay?

[Kyle Crane]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=5872
Would love your opinions on Firewall. (Yes, I chose this instead of Imperial Disarray.)

Which roleplay?

Just...The entirety of it. :frog:

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=5872
Would love your opinions on Firewall. (Yes, I chose this instead of Imperial Disarray.)

Which roleplay?

Just...The entirety of it. :frog:

-I only do one roleplay at a time, not an entire thread. If I really like something, I'll keep reading more on my own. Also, one roleplay per person at any given time.

[Kyle Crane]

Alright...Guess I just didn't notice that part. Was kinda hoping for a full thread review, no post in particular I want reviewed.

[Link]

If it's not too much to ask, I'd appreciate a look over on http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...2#pid82242

Take your time, I feel bad throwing this at you considering you've barely just caught up :')

[Blink]

@Mick: Well, maybe another time, then. I have a hard enough time reviewing single roleplays, much less sitting to read entire threads.

@Everyone:

Closed to requests. Still trying to get current. I've got:

-Ballad
-Link

That's it right now.

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...9#pid70779

I figured I could use some feedback as to how I'm doing as Frisk in OSburb.

This is the first post, and the one I would like you to C&C. Be as constructive as you want, and as critical as you please!

+PURPOSE. I feel like you really nailed the goal of this roleplay. Some people have a misconception that every roleplay needs to be grandiose or epic. Or the opposite: they think every roleplay only needs to be 50 words of nonsense. But you went in with a very simply goal of having Frisk inventory her list and she did just that.

+FLOW. The roleplay moved very nicely from point to point. You split up your paragraphs where it made sense for the reader to change their thought process. Also, just

+NARRATOR. Your narrator is hilarious. I aspire to have my narrator be half as interesting as this. Especially when he was explaining how she acquired (or didn't acquire) everything.

+NO EXPLANATION REQUIRED. You didn't need to explain going in what happening (or going to happen). The reader was able to use very well-utilize context clues to follow along with not only what was happening, but what might have happened leading up to this.

+HIDDEN MESSAGE. Like the above point, I feel like you did a good job of explaining what was REALLY happening without actually explaining it. Frisk was making a birthday party for herself and nobody was coming. She was hyping herself up with this party, but the reality was the only friends she had were the 10 'internet friends.' The best part about this is that you never solidly explained this...the reader is able to figure out for themself based on your clues. On the surface, this is a happy roleplay. Underneath, it's kinda sad.

+ADDICTIVE. I kept reading the thread when I was done. I'm not finished with it but I will. You got a fan in me.

Nothing negative to say. The post did what it was intended to do with no hang-ups. I feel useless not being able to find anything to criticize.

***** stars, bro.


Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.