Reb's Free C&C

[Blink]

Hey. If you link me to a roleplay, I will give you some comments and criticism. Here is kind of what you can expect from me:

-I only do one roleplay at a time, not an entire thread. If I really like something, I'll keep reading more on my own. Also, one roleplay per person at any given time.
-I don't care about grammar and spelling unless it messes up the story, so don't expect any punctuation notes.
-I'm not gonna be a dick about, but I'm also gonna be honest, so...don't ask me to read something if you're not ready for me to tell you I didn't like it.
-On that note though, I'll give you suggestions and ideas on where to take your character based on the roleplay I've read. I won't give you a negative without an ideas on how to fix it.
-I'm no expert. Don't take my comments as gospel. I'm wrong a lot. Feel free to disagree with me, but lets try not to argue about it.

[Jak Mar]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=6205

This is called: Dreadlocked Stranger.

I know it's not much, but it leads up to a quest i'm working on.

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=6205

This is called: Dreadlocked Stranger.

I know it's not much, but it leads up to a quest i'm working on.

-Felt kind of rushed, to be honest. I feel like you could slowed down a bit and given us some extra details. You told me about the device Torn was holding but then completely skipped over him walking through Tier 1 and going to the bar. What is the bar called? How did the people in it react to seeing Torn? What did the bartender look like? If someone was to jump into this thread with you, they'd have to fill in a lot of question marks themselves. You don't have to give ALL the details but certainly enough to paint a picture.

-I don't know the backstory here. I don't know why Torn has this device from Jak or what it does. I don't know why he's asking about the F-Zero races. Obviously, you answered this in a thread prior. A good thing I always do is when I'm starting a thread, I always recap where my character is at emotionally and how they got there. I try to make sure anyone who is joining me or reading along has the basic details of my story. You can either do this using the narrator, or just using thoughts from the character to let the reader know. Another option is to use quotes to give a 'previously on' summary, but that's probably the least attractive choice.

-You started color coding at the end of the roleplay, but you didn't code it at the middle. So I had a hard time knowing who was talking and when. The first dialogue is normal text, then bold, then blue, then green. Keep it consistent. If you are going to color code, it has to stay the same code the whole time.

-In a 450-ish word roleplay, you called Torn by his name 7 times. Try to find other ways to describe him so you aren't re-using words. Like instead of saying Blink, I'll call her 'the teleporter' or 'the pink-skinned one.'

-You have 11 paragraphs for a 450 word roleplay. If that's your style, no problem at all. But from a reader's standpoint, I will only change paragraphs when something changes. Examples include when someone new starts talking, when a new event happens or when the narrator starts explaining something new. I try to keep paragraphs related to the thing same and then move on, rather then have 1-2 sentence paragraphs. Don't get me wrong, sometime you have to have short paragraphs. But a lot of yours in this roleplay can be put together. Call it an organizational tool for the reader.

-With all that said (sorry!), the roleplay was short and to the point. That's a good thing. You kept it simple and you got the message across. There was no fluff.  If you did add anything, it'd just be details. The main purpose of the roleplay (Torn getting info about the races) was sold and sold well. No confusion there.

1.5 stars out of 5.


Disclaimer: This is all my opinion. Different strokes for different folks. Feel free to ignore some/all of it.

[Madotsuki]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=6104

This is for the Smuggling quest, but it's incomplete. I want to see what you think of it so far.

[Blink]

Which roleplay? The first one?

[Madotsuki]

Sure.

[Moon]

After this, could I have a quick C&C of my latest post in the Avengers thread?

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=6104

This is for the Smuggling quest, but it's incomplete. I want to see what you think of it so far.

Note: I read your first roleplay in this thread.



+That was weird. It a good way.

-Pacing. So my biggest issue with this piece is the pacing. I think this is mainly because you didn't really give equal detail to each dream. You focused strongly on the first one, then by the last dream I think it was obvious you wrapping it up and might have rushed it a bit. I know the feeling, trust me. It felt like you got lost in the dramatic effect at the end and went right into it instead of spending more time setting the scene.

-Organization. Your character, 'the dreamer', went in and out of three different dreams, but I kind of had a hard time tracking it. I think it might have good to find something to indicate the ending of a dream, such as a sound effect or maybe a quote. What if she heard the word 'Sleep?' everytime she fell back asleep. I also feel like you might have abused the 'break paragraphs for dramatic effect' at the end there a bit. The last five paragraphs were really short and I'm not sure they needed to be spaced out like that. I would have probably combined the 'She wasn't...', 'Thinking?' and 'Finally,' paragraphs, which would have made 'It was her' stand out much more dramatically.

-Details. I had to figure out a lot of it for myself. I understand that you dreamer is supposed to be lost and not sure what's going on, but I think you could have utilized the narrator a bit to at least keep the reader informed. I wish you would have spent more time explaining the significance of each dream, or the differences between the three the further she went. Like I said earlier, the third dream (and the last third of the roleplay in general) felt very neglected/rushed. Definetly use your narrator to really set the scene and tell the reader what they need to know (or see).

+Character. Loved the way you disassociated 'the dreamer' from your character, Madotsuki. It really nailed home the concept that this is a dream and in this dream, this person doesn't who they really are. I never would have thought of it, but never saying her name really added to the reading experience.

+Dramatic Effect. I know I dinged you on the dramatic effect in the end being a bit overdone, but kudos for the 'She wanted' and 'She needed' lines. Great example of dramatic storytelling.

+Storytelling.I really felt legitimate dread as I was reading the character coming in and out of the dream and discovering the creature. I was also really fooled as I thought she was really waking up the first couple of times. While I might gripe about the reader not being informed of certain things, you withheld the proper amount of information in this case to make the reader genuinly surprised (and wanting to know more) as 'the dreamer' continued in their experience.

+Ending. While predictable, it was a good ending and really made me want to keep reading (which I will, certainly).

Overall, I really enjoyed it. No issues with the length, though I was lacking details connecting the dreams/places, especially in the end. Pacing was a bit shaky but your storytelling was excellent. It made me want to keep reading and had me asking questions. Great job.

Grade: ***

Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.

[Blink]

After this, could I have a quick C&C of my latest post in the Avengers thread?

-Length. You had a pretty important roleplay here in the grand scheme of the story, and you didn't really take advantage of it. You really rushed it. For example, you had Judy and Blink meet up immediately instead of taking a moment to explain where Judy was or what happened since we last saw her. You really skipped some solid character development opportunities.

-Character Development. On that note, I have a challenge for you going forward. Try to have Judy react to everything that happens in your roleplay. Either through her thoughts, actions, or the narrator explaining how it made her feel. For example, how does Judy feel about Blink disobeying the group again? How she feel about Carlton as he's about to shoot Vision? How did she feel at the end, when they successfully freed him? I want to get inside Judy's head. Remember, this is a JUDY HOPPS roleplay. This is her story. She's the star.

-Bolded font. Your color coding system is fine, but the bolded font for the nobody-charater makes them seem more important then they are.

-Details. In addition to adding character thoughts, you need to set the scenes a lot better. An example is the section in the roleplay that starts with "Freeze!" It's 15 words and 2/3 of that is dialogue. I have no idea what happened there. Try to look at it from the perspective of the reader...they have nothing to form an image in their mind of what is going on. You have all the information in your head, you just have to figure out how to explain it in a way that conveys the general image to the reader.

+Color coding. When done right, it's awesome. You do it right. Though I'd have given Carlton a color since he's an important character. No biggie, I don't really count that as a negative.

+Your dialogue is solid.

Overall, it was way too short given amount of things that you had happen. From two big characters meeting up, springing a plan, setting a rescue and then looking cool at the end, you really skipped a lot of the juicy bits that would have made it significant. It wasn't a bad roleplay, but...it didn't really tell a story. It gave the cliff notes version of the story.

Grade: 3/4 of a star

Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.

[Moon]

It was a bit rushed, yeah. I was tired, in a bad mood, et cetera (I'm not a mornin' guy). I'm probably gonna edit it in a minute, add in some details. Thanks!

[Blink]

I don't think ya need to edit it =) There will be plenty of opportunities for awesomeness in the future!

[Moon]

Well, I mean, why not? There'll be more, sure. But I'm waiting for y'all. Might as well edit a thing or two.

[Demetri Malius]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...1#pid73111

Alright so this was right before I went on hiatus for a while, but i feel like it was pretty strong, and a good demonstration of Demetri's cunning, strategy, and a bit of his frailness. I was also about to post a link for my alt, Dave Strider, but almost forgot that one roleplay per person ^~^ perhaps after this i will let a few others go before I request a C&C for Dave.

[Blink]

I haven't forgotten ya, Demetri. I'll try to read it this week.

[Jack Darby]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...ht=Searing

[Corporal Light]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...9#pid70779

I figured I could use some feedback as to how I'm doing as Frisk in OSburb.

This is the first post, and the one I would like you to C&C. Be as constructive as you want, and as critical as you please!

[Blink]

@Warren:

Please specify which roleplay, otherwise I'll just go with the first one.

[Jack Darby]

This roleplay is called the Searing Sword. It's the first one outside of the Nexus that Warren did.

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=5399

[Blink]

This roleplay is called the Searing Sword. It's the first one outside of the Nexus that Warren did.

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=5399

Which one, though? The last one? The first one? I don't want to C&C the entire thread.

[Jack Darby]

The last post if you don't mind.

I need to work on getting my posts more detailed.