Read It Back

[Jack Darby]

[spoiler]
When he arrived in Camelot, the scent of fresh air assaulted Repliku’s nose. The air smelled purer and cleaner than any that he had ever inhaled before, making him stop near the gate and simply take a moment to breathe in. As he looked around the place and scanned the horizon he could see a floating island. What was the name of the island that he was seeing? It appeared to be immense, and Repliku knew he’d have to get up there somehow. How though? His attempt to make anything out of Omnilium thus far had been a complete and absolute failure. Worry shot through him like a needle would sew thread, as Repliku was now concerned. The island looked like it was heavily fortified and would be an ideal place to build a home on, because unless there were flying Heartless, he'd have nothing to worry about from them. In addition, he felt like he was an ant as he looked at the island. Given he couldn't summon anything that could allow him to fly, Repliku knew if someone or a Heartless were to attack him from that island, he was most certainly going to be dead. The looks of the countryside were beautiful, and Repliku made a resolution in his heart. When he had the time he was definitely going to build himself a home here. 

If he couldn’t master the skill of summoning things using Omnilium, was he even going to be able to hold his own against the presence of Heartless? Why couldn't he use Omnilium right? Was something wrong with him? Or was it the environment he was in? Fear was an emotion the clone had never felt, but now was feeling in spades as he began to walk from the gate of Camelot further inwards. Black creatures swarmed around him in a group of fifteen, Repliku recognized them. These were "Shadows" which were the weakest form of Heartless. Scowling at the presence of them, Repliku knew he'd have to fight them off before he could continue on his journey. 

The fact they'd found him this soon though? It was worrying because he was nowhere near ready to engage them in combat. His power level was that of a beginner, and Repliku knew that if any more powerful Heartless showed up he was screwed. As he slashed one of the Heartless with a brutal scowl on his face, Repliku noticed something odd. The heart didn't release. Hearts were supposed to release...unless he wasn't actually wielding a Keyblade. A Keyblade was the one weapon that could smite the Heartless permanently. Thinking back, Repliku began to remember something. His weapon wasn't a key. It was an intermediary to the Keyblade but was not the actual thing. A quick spin decapitated a couple of the Heartless, mere Shadows that had tried to ambush him from behind. 

Damn it. It was times like these that he wished he were more like his template, Riku. After all, Riku could summon the power of the Keyblade and make short work of the Heartless. Repliku, however, was incapable of doing that, at present. After about an hour of battling the Heartless, Repliku had managed to turn the tables and win against them. Panting, to catch his breath Repliku made up his mind. 

"There's no sugarcoating it. I need to get stronger as more Heartless will definitely be headed to attack me again." 

[/spoiler]

Is my rewrite of it better?

[Gildarts]

[spoiler]
When he arrived in Camelot, the scent of fresh air assaulted Repliku’s nose. The air smelled purer and cleaner than any that he had ever inhaled before, making him stop near the gate and simply take a moment to breathe in. As he looked around the place and scanned the horizon he could see a floating island. What was the name of the island that he was seeing? It appeared to be immense, and Repliku knew he’d have to get up there somehow. How though? His attempt to make anything out of Omnilium thus far had been a complete and absolute failure. Worry shot through him like a needle would sew thread, as Repliku was now concerned. The island looked like it was heavily fortified and would be an ideal place to build a home on, because unless there were flying Heartless, he'd have nothing to worry about from them. In addition, he felt like he was an ant as he looked at the island. Given he couldn't summon anything that could allow him to fly, Repliku knew if someone or a Heartless were to attack him from that island, he was most certainly going to be dead. The looks of the countryside were beautiful, and Repliku made a resolution in his heart. When he had the time he was definitely going to build himself a home here. 

If he couldn’t master the skill of summoning things using Omnilium, was he even going to be able to hold his own against the presence of Heartless? Why couldn't he use Omnilium right? Was something wrong with him? Or was it the environment he was in? Fear was an emotion the clone had never felt, but now was feeling in spades as he began to walk from the gate of Camelot further inwards. Black creatures swarmed around him in a group of fifteen, Repliku recognized them. These were "Shadows" which were the weakest form of Heartless. Scowling at the presence of them, Repliku knew he'd have to fight them off before he could continue on his journey. 

The fact they'd found him this soon though? It was worrying because he was nowhere near ready to engage them in combat. His power level was that of a beginner, and Repliku knew that if any more powerful Heartless showed up he was screwed. As he slashed one of the Heartless with a brutal scowl on his face, Repliku noticed something odd. The heart didn't release. Hearts were supposed to release...unless he wasn't actually wielding a Keyblade. A Keyblade was the one weapon that could smite the Heartless permanently. Thinking back, Repliku began to remember something. His weapon wasn't a key. It was an intermediary to the Keyblade but was not the actual thing. A quick spin decapitated a couple of the Heartless, mere Shadows that had tried to ambush him from behind. 

Damn it. It was times like these that he wished he were more like his template, Riku. After all, Riku could summon the power of the Keyblade and make short work of the Heartless. Repliku, however, was incapable of doing that, at present. After about an hour of battling the Heartless, Repliku had managed to turn the tables and win against them. Panting, to catch his breath Repliku made up his mind. 

"There's no sugarcoating it. I need to get stronger as more Heartless will definitely be headed to attack me again." 

[/spoiler]

Is my rewrite of it better?

I would say it looks wonderful. Excellent transformation and build!

[Jack Darby]

[spoiler]

Forcing himself to recover after the battle against the Heartless, Repliku realized a few facts. One without the ability to open Corridors of Darkness there was no way he could possibly get up to that floating island in the sky that made him feel insignificant. Two, if any attackers came down from that island he was for lack of a better term quite thoroughly screwed. After all, arrows or other projectiles from that high up would be hard for him to predict or block. In addition to that without the ability to return fire in any way, shape or form, Repliku was in trouble should someone attack from that altitude. To make matters worse, however, he didn't know much about the Omniverse in general. And to top things off, summoning things with Omnilium was still not a skill that was in his wheelhouse. His attempt to summon the book that he had wanted had been at best laughable and that had made things impossible for him in the long run. 

The Heartless situation here also required that he wield something he didn't have, presently. He'd have to get some information on how one could summon a Keyblade, or become worthy of such a weapon. It was after all the only way he'd survive his next encounter with the Heartless, if any of them were stronger than the Shadows he had encountered. Shuddering as he imagined being devoured by the Heartless, Repliku made up his mind on something. While he wasn't his Template, he could play the role of a hero and fight the abominations as best he could. Of course in order to do that, he was going to need to learn more, and not just physically. He'd need to regain the magic potential that he had lost, including Dark Firaga, and Corridors of Darkness. 

[/spoiler]

[Gildarts]

Since this was kind of a small one I just added a few tweaks using <>

Rep wrote:

Forcing himself to recover after the battle against the Heartless, Repliku realized a few facts. One<,>without the ability to open Corridors of Darkness there was no way he could possibly get up to that floating island in the sky, <this fact alone> made him feel insignificant. Two, if any attackers came down from that island< , he (instead of he, use a pronoun like Clone or keyblade user? Just to keep the zest of it zazzy)> was for lack of a better term<,> quite thoroughly screwed. After all, arrows or other projectiles from that high up would be hard for him to predict or block. <In addition to that Also (keeps things short and less wordy)> without the ability to return fire in any way, shape or form, Repliku was in trouble should someone <attack from that altitude>.

This part above "... should someone attack from that altitude" was another hint of repetition sourced from your previous sentence about any attackers coming down. Maybe change the wordage or imply instead of a person, some magical catastrophe coming down. What if the entire island fell?

To make matters worse, however, he didn't know much about the Omniverse in general< ,  and>to top things off, summoning things with Omnilium was still not a skill that was in his wheelhouse. His attempt to summon the book that he had wanted had been at best laughable and that had <which (a little less wordy)> made things impossible for him in the long run. 

The Heartless situation here also required that he wield something he didn't have, presently.

I wouldn't keep the above comma in and I would consider merging the two sentences between "presently" and "he'd have to get.."

He'd have to get some information on how one could summon a Keyblade, or become worthy of such a weapon. It was <after all> the only way he'd survive his next encounter with the Heartless, if any of them were stronger than the Shadows he had encountered.

Sliced out "after all" because it helps the flow of the sentence down the line!

Shuddering as he imagined being devoured by the Heartless, Repliku made up his mind on something. While he wasn't his Template, he could <+however> play the role of a hero and fight the abominations as best he could. Of course<,> in order to do that, he was going to need to learn more, and not just physically. He'd need to regain the magic potential that he had lost, including Dark Firaga, and Corridors of Darkness. 

[Jack Darby]

[spoiler]
Once he had recovered from the battle of the Heartless that had left the Replica completely exhausted, Repliku realized that he was out of shape. In his current condition, the chances of survival should another group of Heartless show up were slim. The odds were not in his favor, especially if any of the Heartless were stronger than the weak Shadows that he had encountered. Was it right for him to do what he'd have to do in order to protect himself and the Omniverse from the very present threat of the Heartless? Repliku didn't have an answer. Another question came to mind, namely how was he supposed to get his hands on a Keyblade for his own personal use? Clones couldn't wield Keyblades to his knowledge, at least not normally. Roxas and Xion had been able to pull it off because they had some of Riku's memories within their heart. As the clone considered what had been made his few options here in the Omniverse, he groaned. Getting up to the island was going to be more difficult than obtaining the power he wanted, that of a keyblade for himself. After all, he couldn't fly and he couldn't summon things with Omnilium properly.

His only attempts thus far, a Corridor of Darkness and a Book that was supposed to inform him more about the Omniverse had failed. They hadn't just failed, they'd failed miserably for the young Replica. "What does it take to become able to fly or use Corridors of Darkness in this place?!?" asked the clone in an exasperated tone of voice. For he did want to know, but he was also irritated that some other hero type hadn't popped out of the woodwork and done something...anything against the Heartless. Apparently only he could handle that particular menace. Perhaps... if he did it might help him to become real.. to become more than a Replica.

Sitting down cross-legged Repliku closed his eyes and concentrated. Summoning the rainbow orb of Omnilium to his hand, Repliku attempted creating a giant stairway up to the floating island that made him feel insignificant. When nothing happened, Repliku's hand impacted with his face, several times in fact because the Replica didn't know what to do. How did one work Omnilium? Why had Omni told them so little?

Yet before he could commence creating anything, a sharp kick from a man in a black coat that seemed to be made out of darkness itself hit him in the side, sending him on his back in pain.

"You're nothing but a replica, a pale imitation of the original!" The man said, as he took the Soul Eater from Repliku and snapped it like a twig, before incinerating the remains of the sword for extra cruel measure. The sound of the blade shattering caused a burning liquid to well up in Repliku's eyes. Without the Soul Eater how was he supposed to protect himself from the powers the Heartless had? How was he going to prove he deserved his own identity without that blade? "I summoned the Heartless by the way, and there's nothing you can do to stop me... especially without this PITIFUL piece of crap imitation you call your blade!" The man then punched Repliku and left him out cold there.

When he woke up three hours later, Repliku attempted to summon Soul Eater into his hands, but it wouldn't come. Why wouldn't Soul Eater come when he called for the blade. It was then that he remembered what had transpired.


"You're nothing but a replica, a pale imitation of the original!" The man said, as he took the Soul Eater from Repliku and snapped it like a twig, before incinerating the remains of the sword for extra cruel measure. The sound of the blade shattering caused a burning liquid to well up in Repliku's eyes. Without the Soul Eater how was he supposed to protect himself from the powers the Heartless had? How was he going to prove he deserved his own identity without that blade? "I summoned the Heartless by the way, and there's nothing you can do to stop me... especially without this PITIFUL piece of crap imitation you call your blade!" The man then punched Repliku and left him out cold there.

As the memory of what had transpired assaulted the senses of Repliku, hot salty liquids began to form in the eyes of the Replica. Without the power to summon the keyblade of what use was he here? With Heartless on the loose and not too keen on playing nice if there were any stronger ones out there, plus a mysterious individual he didn't know about who was somehow capable of summoning them also out there causing problems, the clone wasn't sure what he could do with himself. Also, he wasn't sure WHAT he could do now that he no longer possessed the blade Soul Eater. Sure Soul Eater had only been an intermediary to the Keyblade, but the keyblade was something he could perhaps have wielded if he had remained able to summon the Soul Eater.

His head slumped.

"What am I supposed to do with myself now?"

[/spoiler]

Rewrote the post entirely. What do you think?

[Gildarts]

Once he had recovered from the battle of the Heartless that had <which now> left the Replica completely exhausted, Repliku realized that he was out of shape. In his current condition, his chances of survival if another group of Heartless showed up were slim. (tweaked a few things for the previous sentence.) The odds were not in his favor, especially if any of the Heartless were turned out stronger than the weak Shadows that he had encountered. Was it right for him to do what he'd have to do in order to protect himself andas well the Omniverse from the very present threat of the Heartless? Repliku didn't have an answer. Another question came to mind, namely how was he supposed to get his hands on a Keyblade for his own personal use? Clones couldn't wield Keyblades to his knowledge, at least not normally. Roxas and Xion had been able to pull it off because they had some of Riku's memories within their heart. As the clone considered how few what had been made his few options were here in the Omniverse, he groaned. Getting up to the island was going to be more difficult than obtaining the power he wanted, that of a keyblade for himself. After all, he couldn't fly and he couldn't summon things with Omnilium properly.

His only attempts thus far, a Corridor of Darkness and a Book that was supposed to inform him more about the Omniverse had failed. They hadn't just failed, fallen short, <but things felt> miserably irredeemable for the young Replica.  "What does it take to become able to fly or use Corridors of Darkness in this place?!?" asked the clone in an exasperated tone of voice. For he did want to know, but he was also irritated that some other hero type hadn't popped out of the woodwork and done something<, >anything against the Heartless. Apparently only he +could handle that particular menace. Perhaps... if he did it might help him to become real... To become more than a Replica.

I did some tweaking and stuff for some of the ellipsis in the above paragraph but I didn't note all the particulars I did

Sitting down cross-legged, Repliku closed his eyes and concentrated. Summoning the rainbow orb of Omnilium to his hand, Repliku attempted creating a giant stairway up to the floating island that made him feel insignificant. When nothing happened, Repliku's hand impacted with his face, facepalming several times in fact because the Replica <simply/just> didn't know what to do. How did one work Omnilium? Why had Omni told them so little?

Yet before he could commence creating anything, a sharp kick from a man in a black coat that seemed to be made out of darkness itself hit him in the side, <the sudden pain> sent him into the ground.

"You're nothing but a replica, a pale imitation of the original!" The man said as he took the Soul Eater from Repliku and snapped it like a twig, before incinerating the remains of the sword for extra cruel measure. The sound of the blade shattering caused a burning liquid to well up in Repliku's eyes. Without the Soul Eater<,> how was he supposed to protect himself from the powers the Heartless had? How was he going to prove he deserved his own identity without that blade?  "I summoned the Heartless by the way, and there's nothing you can do to stop me... Especially without this PITIFUL piece of crap imitation you call your blade!"  The man then punched Repliku and left him out cold there.

Pitiful instead of caps, what about bold or italics

When he woke up three hours later, Repliku attempted to summon Soul Eater into his hands, but it wouldn't come. Why wouldn't Soul Eater come when he called for the blade? It was then that he remembered what had transpired.

As the memory of what had transpired assaulted the senses of Repliku's senses, hot salty liquids began to form in his eyesthe eyes of the Replica. Without the power to summon the keyblade of what use was he here? With Heartless on the loose and not too keen on playing nice, if there were any stronger ones out there, plus a mysterious individual he didn't know about who was somehow capable of summoning them also out there causing problems, the clone wasn't sure what he could do with himself.

This one felt like a run-on, try and separate the sentences to make the thoughts more concise and vivid?

Also, he wasn't sure WHAT he could do now that he no longer possessed the blade Soul Eater. Sure Soul Eater had only been an intermediary to the Keyblade, but the keyblade was something he could perhaps have wielded if he had remained able to summon the Soul Eater.

Again with what, maybe bold or italic

His head slumped.

Maybe rephrase that with a word of description added, like "his head slumped ...in disdain"

"What am I supposed to do with myself now?"

[Deadpool]

Do me! =D

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid106758
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid106788
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid106815 (Jak's post)
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid106867
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid106888

[Jack Darby]

[spoiler]
Once he had recovered from the battle of the Heartless that had which now left the Replica completely exhausted, Repliku realized that he was out of shape. In his current condition, his chances of survival if another group of Heartless showed up were slim. The odds were not in his favor, especially if any of the Heartless were turned out stronger than the weak Shadows that he had encountered. Was it right for him to do what he'd have to do in order to protect himself and as well the Omniverse from the very present threat of the Heartless? Repliku didn't have an answer. Another question came to mind, namely how was he supposed to get his hands on a Keyblade for his own personal use? Clones couldn't wield Keyblades to his knowledge, at least not normally. Roxas and Xion had been able to pull it off because they had some of Riku's memories within their heart. As the clone considered how few what had been made his few options were here in the Omniverse, he groaned. Getting up to the island was going to be more difficult than obtaining the power he wanted, that of a keyblade for himself. After all, he couldn't fly and he couldn't summon things with Omnilium properly.

His only attempts thus far, a Corridor of Darkness and a Book that was supposed to inform him more about the Omniverse had failed. They hadn't just failed, fallen short, but things felt miserably irredeemable for the young Replica.  "What does it take to become able to fly or use Corridors of Darkness in this place?!?" asked the clone in an exasperated tone. For he did want to know, but he was also irritated that some other hero type hadn't popped out of the woodwork and done something, anything against the Heartless. Apparently only he could handle that particular menace. Perhaps... if he did it might help him to become real... To become more than a Replica.
 
Sitting down cross-legged, Repliku closed his eyes and concentrated. Summoning the rainbow orb of Omnilium to his hand, Repliku attempted creating a giant stairway up to the floating island that made him feel insignificant. When nothing happened, Repliku's hand impacted with his face, facepalming several times in fact because the Replica just didn't know what to do. How did one work Omnilium? Why had Omni told them so little?

Yet before he could commence creating anything, a sharp kick from a man in a black coat that seemed to be made out of darkness itself hit him on the side, the sudden pain sent him into the ground.

"You're nothing but a replica, a pale imitation of the original!" The man said as he took the Soul Eater from Repliku and snapped it like a twig, before incinerating the remains of the sword for extra cruel measure. The sound of the blade shattering caused a burning liquid to well up in Repliku's eyes. Without the Soul Eater, how was he supposed to protect himself from the powers the Heartless had? How was he going to prove he deserved his own identity without that blade?  "I summoned the Heartless by the way, and there's nothing you can do to stop me... Especially without this pitiful piece of crap imitation you call your blade!"  The man then punched Repliku, sending him crashing to the ground in intense pain, and said to him. "Go ahead. Try and prove me wrong, Repliku. Show your strength. Summon your sword... if you have the courage to do so. Prove to me that you have the strength and I'll stop sending Heartless to Camelot. Otherwise, the next one I send will be a Dark Side. You and I both know you aren't strong enough. You're welcome to try though." 

Gritting his teeth, the young clone of Riku forced himself onto his feet. Holding out his hand he concentrated. Darkness shot down both of his arms and he brought his hands together, Soul Eater forming in a small explosion of Darkness Energy in his hands. He'd then spin towards the man, preparing to slash at him, only for the man to disappear in a flash of black light. Great, his opponent could somehow teleport away and was going to summon more Heartless to the area. At least he knew he could still summon Soul Eater, so he wasn't entirely helpless. Still, he'd need more in his bag of tricks than the paltry few attacks that he had now. Actually, right now he had nothing that could help him fight. 

"It's official. I need someone to train me...badly."

[/spoiler]

[Gildarts]

[spoiler]
Once he had recovered from the battle of the Heartless that had which now left the Replica completely exhausted, Repliku realized that he was out of shape. In his current condition, his chances of survival if another group of Heartless showed up were slim. The odds were not in his favor, especially if any of the Heartless were turned out stronger than the weak Shadows that he had encountered. Was it right for him to do what he'd have to do in order to protect himself and as well the Omniverse from the very present threat of the Heartless? Repliku didn't have an answer. Another question came to mind, namely how was he supposed to get his hands on a Keyblade for his own personal use? Clones couldn't wield Keyblades to his knowledge, at least not normally. Roxas and Xion had been able to pull it off because they had some of Riku's memories within their heart. As the clone considered how few what had been made his few options were here in the Omniverse, he groaned. Getting up to the island was going to be more difficult than obtaining the power he wanted, that of a keyblade for himself. After all, he couldn't fly and he couldn't summon things with Omnilium properly.

His only attempts thus far, a Corridor of Darkness and a Book that was supposed to inform him more about the Omniverse had failed. They hadn't just failed, fallen short, but things felt miserably irredeemable for the young Replica.  "What does it take to become able to fly or use Corridors of Darkness in this place?!?" asked the clone in an exasperated tone. For he did want to know, but he was also irritated that some other hero type hadn't popped out of the woodwork and done something, anything against the Heartless. Apparently only he could handle that particular menace. Perhaps... if he did it might help him to become real... To become more than a Replica.
 
Sitting down cross-legged, Repliku closed his eyes and concentrated. Summoning the rainbow orb of Omnilium to his hand, Repliku attempted creating a giant stairway up to the floating island that made him feel insignificant. When nothing happened, Repliku's hand impacted with his face, facepalming several times in fact because the Replica just didn't know what to do. How did one work Omnilium? Why had Omni told them so little?

Yet before he could commence creating anything, a sharp kick from a man in a black coat that seemed to be made out of darkness itself hit him on the side, the sudden pain sent him into the ground.

"You're nothing but a replica, a pale imitation of the original!" The man said as he took the Soul Eater from Repliku and snapped it like a twig, before incinerating the remains of the sword for extra cruel measure. The sound of the blade shattering caused a burning liquid to well up in Repliku's eyes. Without the Soul Eater, how was he supposed to protect himself from the powers the Heartless had? How was he going to prove he deserved his own identity without that blade?  "I summoned the Heartless by the way, and there's nothing you can do to stop me... Especially without this pitiful piece of crap imitation you call your blade!"  The man then punched Repliku, sending him crashing to the ground in intense pain, and said to him. "Go ahead. Try and prove me wrong, Repliku. Show your strength. Summon your sword... if you have the courage to do so. Prove to me that you have the strength and I'll stop sending Heartless to Camelot. Otherwise, the next one I send will be a Dark Side. You and I both know you aren't strong enough. You're welcome to try though." 

Gritting his teeth, the young clone of Riku forced himself onto his feet. Holding out his hand he concentrated. Darkness shot down both of his arms and he brought his hands together, Soul Eater forming in a small explosion of Darkness Energy in his hands. He'd then spin towards the man, preparing to slash at him, only for the man to disappear in a flash of black light. Great, his opponent could somehow teleport away and was going to summon more Heartless to the area. At least he knew he could still summon Soul Eater, so he wasn't entirely helpless. Still, he'd need more in his bag of tricks than the paltry few attacks that he had now. Actually, right now he had nothing that could help him fight. 

"It's official. I need someone to train me...badly."

[/spoiler]

Hey I'd say it looks great. Much better flow than before and the added stuff was great for coherency !

[Gildarts]

Do me! =D

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid106758
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid106788
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid106815 (Jak's post)
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid106867
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid106888

I'd be glad to post- DA baron! <3

[Sam]

To start, I wasn't really sure what I should start with for advice or add because well. YOU know what you're capable of writing wise and stuff, sooooo on the shy Sam note, this is your phone-review. Sorry if you're disappointed. U intimidate me. And people. And me again.

#1 link

(perhaps from his home world, where people were too dumb to ready letters, so they resorted to pictures)

Smol typo there on read. And another later in the same post on "than"

Deadpool grabbed one side, Jak the other. With a synchrony of groans, they lifted the beam just enough to allow it to tumble over its supporting latches; when it thudded against the ground, the mercenary could feel its reverberations.

This was a nice snippet of detail and visual ^.^

Overall in your first post you do have quite a bit of commas and semi's just keep an eye on that, so that you don't hinder your flow and pace with them, and so that you don't become co dependent on those pauses as a writer.

100% dialogue on point so far.

Onto link #2

As they entered the steel mill, the dry odor of used charcoal hit them like fanned air.

This sentence using "like fanned" just felt kinda weird to me. Maybe instead of like use with... or something #not very confident

Nice visual with the bully's punch. It was a nice way to put it.

The two had entered in where finished steel shipped out for delivery.

This is concise and all but I think you can do better. You followed with some good detail to solidify it, but if this was at the start of the post I would want a more strong starting sentence and hook.

>trying to be a hardass and failing  

Make sure you take deep breaths there, Jak,” he said. ”Where I'm from, this stuff does wonders for your respiratory system.”

LO fucking L. Sadistic

>it's needed an apostrophe

Link #3 JAK'S link! Which is good cause she also asked for some C&C from me !

"Too bad, I actually thought i could of “absorbed” some of that.”

Switch of to "have" for better flow (or if you want that same sound "could've"). And don't forget to capitalize when you use I or Deadpool's name.

Besides the fact that i use odd symbols to write with, and unintentional ottsel gods and all that,

This one was missing quotes and because of its placement I couldn't tell if it was DP's narration or just a missing line.

"We’ll be back, fuckers…”

LOL nice !

Like you said it was a dialogue post so there wasn't too much for me to C&C! You guys bounce off each other nicely and the characters have great familiarity with one another.

link 4

Your autocorrect / phone hates u

Because you're a dick,” he replied, “and sometimes deserve a does of your own medicine.”

Dose =P

I don't like the mobile version and when I'm on my phone I use the regular -like right now- also try previewing your posts just to try and catch those tiny little mistakes.

Deadpool winced as sunlight struck his mask while exiting the tunnel. He shielded his eyes with a forearm, and surveyed their surroundings.

Nice little snippet.

John Holmes? You ship Johnlock?

#5

Your moving posts are nice and short, I feel like you don't lie about what they are, or try to mislead the reader about them with over saturation of the moment.

Deadpool imagined that Karl visited the area often, going from store to store, completely emptying each of their seasonal stocks to satisfy his taste of swagger. Employees trembled as they saw him near their doors, frightened at the prospect of doing the arduous task of removing everything from their shelves.

Lol

When you see the looks on women's faces as their eyes follow your bulge to your kneecaps, you'll see why you should wear skinny jeans.”

O-oh

”You, on the other hand, have bird legs; they look like someone attached two broomsticks to scarecrow to make it appear more humanoid.”

Very... Deadpool.

>"mercernay"

Horse mercenary.


If you want more, link me to your fight posts. Sorry my phone review is less good than usual.

[James Knight]

[spoiler]

Veritas was not the most patient sort of individual. When he had realized that what had been dubbed "Darklings" had been invading his base's Verse he also realized something else. For now building a base was out of the question, because he lacked the power he'd need in order to protect whatever place from intruders, especially hordes of Darklings like the ones that infested the Ashen Steppes. Best if he let heroic types deal with such a problem as they were more suited to handle it than he was. Even though he was going to allow them to handle the problem presented by the creatures that were made out of the darkness, he knew he'd need more power should something like that happen again. 
With the loss of the SPD Blaster and his Dark Magic Blast Ball his skills in ranged combat were....lacking. As a result of this he knew that he'd have to change his tactics if he was to survive here on Coruscant. While part of him hated the Storm Troopers and their authoritarian ways, they did possess access to technology far beyond anything that he currently had access to. Were he any less savvy with the Morphing Grid or less knowledgeable about them, he might even consider that they were Power Rangers. Granted none of them wielded melee weapons, and each and every one of them wore that same horrible white armor. 

The armor itself was an aberration against his eyes. Were he in charge of the Empire the armor would be one of the first things to go. Wandering around Tier I,  he found a flyer for a research project. The research project said that they had ways to make Prime Volunteers into individuals who were stronger and faster than they were. Looking it over he considered his options relating to the matter. On the one hand he could ignore the potential chance to get to where he needed to be, because it was connected to the Empire. On the other, he did need a way to gain more power for himself in a hurry. After all, it was highly likely that the Real Power Rangers would show up in the Omniverse at some point and he didn't want to deal with that headache personally. Power was something that no matter who used it, it was always needed. Sure he could emulate the power possessed by the various ranger groups, but ultimately it was their power. Such was the truth about several of the attacks that he possessed at his disposal. This was true of both the Spin Sword and the Lightning Disc. It was also true of the other weapons in his arsenal. In the end, they were copies of weapons wielded by individuals who had proven themselves to be heroes. Should the weapons meet the ones they were based off of, the chances of his replicas breaking were higher than he liked actually. 

One thing was for absolute certain, decided Veritas as he walked towards the address where the place had said to go. One way or another, come hell or highwater he was going to get stronger than he was now. Two words came to mind about the state of his abilities and those were the words "Barely Adequate"  because of how outclassed he was by the other Primes. Sure they had more experience than him and more Omnilium but they also had more techniques and weapons at their disposal as well. They had more skill because they possessed more that all of them were capable of doing. If it were to come to blows against another Prime? Veritas was not sure he could honestly win. Tearing up the slip of paper he decided he wouldn't go to the address. Power was best obtained if he were to get it on his own, after all. Only then, only if he were actually to make the power truly his own, could he honestly call it his. 

[/spoiler]

[Sam]

Heyyo! Am I checkin' this'un out too?
-
Veritas was not the most patient sort of individual. When he had realized that what had beencreatures dubbed "Darklings" had been invading his base's Verse

Maybe for this part say "The same verse that his base was stationed" and then I would add a part about his base being his artificial home, or whatever significance the base means to him. It is good to important what is on the line.

he also realized something else. For now building a base was out of the question, because he lacked the power he'd need in order to protect whatever place from intruders, especially hordes of Darklings like the ones that infested the Ashen Steppes. Best if he let heroic types deal with such a problem as they would be more suited to handle it than he was. Even though he was going to allow them to handle the problem presented by the creatures that were made out of the darkness, he knew he'd need more power should something like that this ever happen again. 

With the loss of the SPD Blaster and his Dark Magic Blast Ball his skills in ranged combat were... Quite lacking. As a result of this he knew that he'd have to change his tactics if he was to survive here in Coruscant. While part of him hated the Storm Troopers and their authoritarian ways, they did possess access to technology far beyond anything that he currently had access to. Were he any less savvy with the Morphing Grid or less knowledgeable about them, he might have even consider that they were Power Rangers.

This part is a little confusing, replace consider with "mistaken them for"

Granted none of them wielded melee weapons and each and every one of them wore that same horrible white armor. 

Deleted a surplus comma

The armor itself was an aberration against his eyes. Were he in charge of the Empire the armor would be one of the first things to go.

Why was it an aberration? Add an extra detail or two about bulk or just the reason he thinks they are ugly or unbecoming. Maybe even allude to his own culture.

Start new paragraph here.

Wandering around Tier I, he found a flyer for a research project. The research project said that they had ways to make Prime Volunteers into individuals who were stronger and faster than they were. Looking it over, he considered his options relating to the matter. On the one hand he could ignore the potential chance to get to where he needed to be, because it was connected to the Empire. On the other hand, he did need a way to gain more power for himself in a hurry. After all, it was highly likely that the Real Power Rangers would show up in the Omniverse at some point and he didn't want to deal with that headache personally. Power was something that no matter who used it, it was always needed. Sure he could emulate the power possessed by the various ranger groups, but ultimately it was theirs power. Such was the truth about several of the attacks that he possessed at his disposal.

"Attacks that he had at his disposal." The other one was a little too wordy, and conciseness is the goal! How to say the most in the least amount of words!

This was true of both the Spin Sword and the Lightning Disc. It was also true of the other weapons in his arsenal. In the end, they were copies of weapons wielded by individuals who had proven themselves to be heroes. Should the weapons meet the ones they were based off of, the chances of his replicas breaking were higher than he liked actually to consider. 

One thing was for absolute certain, (he was absolutely certain of,) decided Veritas as he walked towards the address where the place had said to go.

I was unsure of what the second part of the sentence was describing

One way or another, come hell or high water, he was going to get stronger than he was now. Two words came to mind about the state of his abilities and those were the words "barely adequate"  because of how outclassed he was by the other Primes he had encountered. Sure they had more experience than him, and more Omnilium, but they also had more techniques and weapons at their disposal as well.

They had more skill because they possessed more that all of them were capable of doing. If ithe were to come to blows against another Prime? Veritas was not sure he could honestly win. Tearing up the slip of paper, he decided he wouldn't go to the address. Power was best obtained if he were to get achieve it on his own, after all. Only then, only if he were was actually to make the power truly his own, could he honestly call it his own. 

Throughout I made some little tiny edits but it would've been messy to point them all out (it was mainly commas and quick snippets +single words) I did some of the more important ones and pointed out some w/ quotes and cross outs.

[/quote]