Read It Back

[Bandit With No Name]

I am newly employed, so my free time has taken a nose dive. I'll try my best to help you all out soon

[Gildarts]

I am newly employed, so my free time has taken a noise dive. I'll try my best to help you all out soon

I got this man, good luck with work, super dude!

[Gildarts]

Second opinion coming right up!

Below, I put some grammatical errors or suggestions I had in bold, but it seemed very clean of those when I was reading. There's also a few points of reflection I touched on as I was reading

[spoiler]

Daxter needed to be a distraction. Keep New Babylon busy with other problems, and then gather what he needed to survive. He kept a sharp tree spear on his back from the Tangled greens. The courtyard blared with alarms. The area quickly filled with New Babylon’s soldiers trying to block all the exits. Thinking to himself and looking at Demetri, cautiousness filled the Ottsel’s eyes as Demetri nodded to him as he nodded back.

This part was clearly delineated, and was good with the imagery to help summarize what was going on, and where soldiers, and Primes were going.

As Daxter ran, one of New babylon’s slower runners had put up some (instead of some, use "a") wall of energy that left the ottsel to crash into. That annoyed him, but it wouldn’t stop him from his goals. Erik grabbed him from his tail turning him upside down, staring at him but a chain smacked Erik on his shoulder, and a stab mark left Erik slower making Daxter’s escape all the easier. Turning his ass around, it was time to draw blood. Playing with fire only leaves burns. This meant in Daxter’s terms that he’d draw it first. Daxter’s claws came out and gritted his teeth “THIS IS FOR JAK and DEMETRI!” His claws ripped across Vic’s legs leaving a large bloody mark across one of his legs.

This part was nicely written, and also, the use of a name as a pronoun kept the actions clear and separate, so that the reader could feel better informed about who was doing what.

A suggestion, narrate a bit of Vic's pain, unless you were leaving that open for his own reaction.

Daxter valiantly cheered if add "only" for a second, and gathered up the strength to keep running away from the angered group of folks. But something stopped him. The anger of Victor Wolfe

Victor questioned Daxter’s motives, why the hell did he run into New Babylon’s castle without a good reason? Daxter’s eyes filled with heated anger and rage.

Fire vs Fire flamed between the two past associates and now “enemies”.

Hmm, I wasn't too sure what was meant by the above. Add a comma to separate: Fire "," flamed between. A personal preference is switching out "newfound" for "now" but thats your choice.

Victor growled*(add comma),* “I found MYSELF FEELING SORRY for your ass,* for Jak’s death,* and this is how you repay me?”

I added Italics because sometimes I feel like they demonstrate PASSION AND INTENSITY. And I wanted you to see what it looked like, in case you wanted to change it into italics.

Daxter growled and rage and tears filled his eyes[b],* (added comma) “Try repaying me when you can fix my feelings from Jak’s every DEATH!”

“It’s NOT The same! You BARELY KNOW JAK AS MUCH AS I DO!"

Daxter wiped away his anger and ran toward the sand. As Daxter got sent flying toward one of the building’s wall, he felt his mouth and felt [that] a tooth was missing and as he tried to move, one of his legs were broken and he covered his mouth as he tried to stand up from the hurt. He’d have to shuffle his legs carefully, but the blood running along his ottsel fur wasn’t going to be a good thing. He winced, he just had to get back to the fight and give Demetri more time. He had just the right idea.

This part was quite powerful, and nicely displayed!^

He scooped some sand into his hand and as he got closer to the fight slower than usual,[and] while Sasuke was busy, he took some sand [,balled it up in his hand and] like a skilled baseball player, he wacked some sand into Sasuke’s eyes.

As Sasuke reeled to cover his eyes stinging, Daxter tried to avoid Erik and (took out caps and put in italic, more distinctive display to the reader Vic, andthen tried again to form another sand ball. Daxter scooped some more sand and threw it into Victor’s eyes as well.

It was then Demetri used his Deception attack to throw off Victor and friends but that left Daxter problems of his own.

Daxter winced and his ottsel paws hurt from the sun, and there was a nasty bruise on one ottsel leg, this would slow him down some but while Demetri was gone, the distraction could get him toward that bike. Daxter looked up and ran against toward the bike in the courtyard..

But wait.. there was more problems… Townspeople AND guards…

One women screamed, “AHHHHHHH! An orange menace!"

Daxter shook his head, “I’m not a mancance! I’m the hero here!"

He focused once again as a few guards of New Babylon tried to prevent him from getting any further. This finally was the moment to get things started.

Daxter took his sharp tree branch spear and scraped it against one of the townsguards legs, causing injury to the guard. But it was in self-defense.

In a frenzy, the guards ran into each other, it almost seemed as though it was for comedic effect. Daxter began to panic as his eyes kept looking for the bike Demetri was talking about. Wait…

… There it is…

The bike looked too high-tech for a place like Camelot, but what the hell. He’d take it and get Demetri back, too.

The ottsel grabbed the stick weapon and placed it on his back, and struggled trying to get himself onto the bike. Little creature, big bike, right?

The ottsel reeved the bike and sped it toward Demetri. “DEMETRI! LET’S GO!”


I want a opinion on this before posting it for real *rubs neck*

[/spoiler]

Honestly, that was wonderful. I had a great time reading it, it kept me entertained, and every action you had narrated came off very clearly. I think you've improved a lot in just the short amount of time, and I really liked Daxter's narrative on Jak. Nicely done. Other than a few grammatical suggestions, I don't have much else to say, other than...


Post it.

[Corporal Light]

By the way, my topic thread is an ongoing review thing as I place more posts in it. So if others want to take a look at it, you can go right ahead

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[Demetri Malius]

Alright, so this is one of my higher end post, so I need critique by the best :frog: Lay it on me for what I need to work on :v:

[spoiler]"Damn these royal bastards, no different than those back home." Demetri harshly whispered to nobody in particular, thinking aloud.

The thief was at a clear disadvantage in this encounter. With three against him and the ottsel, they would have a hard time escaping. Within the past few minutes, Demetri had barely scraped by without too much injury. His dark clothing were singed, the cloth hardened by the heat of flames, as well as a few cuts and holes in the garments, his blood and skin revealed beneath the leather. The two deep gashes in his legs, inflicted by Victor, pained him the most. His movement was impaired, slowed by the sharp pain with each step. Demetri's cloak was the most damaged, the simple cloth always a moment behind his movements.

Fortunately, Demetri had managed to get his companion out of the immediate area, along with his lost secondary, IRIS. If current events didn't go as planned, which Demetri figured they wouldn't, at least they would be able to escape. It wouldn't be the first time Demetri would face the punishment of his actions, but as long as he played his cards right, he had a chance.

Demetri faced the three primes before him, however, another presence slipped into his senses. Demetri used his deception again as the figure soon arrived, and the solo strategist waited in the shadows, trying to interpret whether he was a friend or foe. As soon as the man began to utter friendly words to the prime in blue clothing, Demetri sent a chain his way, slashing at his left leg, hoping to cause enough damage to slow his movement. He needed these primes to be as hindered as possible to allow his escape. The thief attempted to execute a follow up attack, but was blocked by the prime his target had talked to. Demetri gritted his teeth in discontent, annoyed at his blocked attack.

The thief watched as the group quickly exchanged some words, and Victor began to give chase to the ottsel.

I'll be damned if I'm going to let you get away.

The rogue shot his trusty chains to the fleeing assassin, his focus and determination fueling his speed and aim. The chain mechanism prepared his shot, the gears inside grinding and forcing the spring mechanism to arm, before giving a quick release. With a soft jingle, the chains pierced the air, the metal shining with the reflection of the burning sun. The mechanism hummed with satisfaction at its successful launch, the gears spinning, giving enough slack to allow the chains their maximum projected speed. Demetri's eyes followed its trajectory, cracking a soft smile as his weapon reached for his target.

KLINK!

The sudden striking of metal caused the thief to narrow his eyes, his chain going limp mid-air before quickly returning for repairs.

The new arrival stood with a pistol aimed to the air, the gun smoking with freshly ignited gunpowder. The bullet had barely saved the prime's ally, piercing the chain and splitting is from its blade. The separated blade fell from the air, landing with a soft thud in the sand. Victor quickly vanished as he tracked the ottsel's trail out into the streets.

The thief turned his attention back to the three primes before him.

Victor's savior was quick to aim his second pistol at the thief, firing a second round. The worn thief barely deflected the bullet with his swordbreaker, at the cost of the blade being destroyed. Demetri had not faced such weapons before, and was perplexed at the force behind them. How could such small arms carry so much force?

The thief's quick thoughts were interrupted as he realized the blue-clothed prime had finished charging up another fire attack. Demetri began to try and dodge to his left, but suddenly found a blade stuck in his arm. Demetri reacted with his own blade being shot at its owner, who held a rope to his blade. With a tug from both primes, they were flung through they air, their faces grimacing before landing beside each other.

Sasuke quickly sputtered as he choked down his flame, refusing to look disgraceful with an collateral damage to an ally. Meanwhile, Erik stood in the back charging his own chakram attack. Shay and Demetri quickly stood up, Demetri summoning his swordbreaker once again and Shay unsheathing his sword and dagger. The thief quickly exchanged blows with the rogue assassin, while the Uchiha used a burst of speed to give a surprise attack to the intruder.

Demetri was shoved to the side with a kick, sending him into the range of Erik's prepared attack. The thief's eyes widened as the ring of energy shot towards him. With a quick spin and thrust of his hands, Demetri managed to get himself airborne, just a foot of the ground, but enough to aim his body to the hole in the center of the attack. As he pushed through, he felt a sharp pain on his sides, the energy having burned through his leather clothing and some of his flesh.

With a grunt, Demetri slowly stood up, out of breath from defending from the previous attacks. His legs ached with pain, the blood now seeped completely through his clothes and now tainting the sand with its crimson color. The three primes faced him once more. It was no use fighting, he needed to escape.

Demetri then paused for a moment as the three prepared their attacks. Shay stood with a rifle, Sasuke signed his fire technique, and Erik charged another chakhram.

Demetri slipped away, leaving a clone in his wake as he struggled to run after Victor. The three primes unleashed their attacks upon the clone, who began by deflecting the muskets bullet and sliding around the ring of energy, before then preparing for the fire, which never came. Sasuke had already passed the clone, following the visible trail of blood in the sand to follow the man who thought could deceive the great Uchiha.[/spoiler]

Either the spoiler or the direct thread here

Thanks you guys! I appreciate all that you do! :yay:

[Gildarts]

@Demmy, I'll be able to take a look later this week I look forward to the read!

[Stephan Donnel]

Aaaaaaand I messed up and placed my "please read it" request in the book club. Here it is.

[Gildarts]

Sorry for not having the time earlier, I had family visiting. My next day off is tuesday, so I'll be able to take a look then.

[Stephan Donnel]

Thank you. Absolutely non rush whatsoever. Sorry, kinda forgot you didn't have chat access for some reason.

[Gildarts]

@Stephan


Welcome to your own personal review done by me! I’ll be putting it into categories, starting with “As I go along” (which will intercept some of the paragraphs and give you a bit of less specific feedback.

The beginning was nice, a small bit of review showing what was going on and how he arrived there, plus I just liked the starting sentence, it had a nice flavor to it.

He was immediately assaulted by the blazing heat from all around and blindingly bright sun from on above. Eventually the eye adjusted to light and a scene of desolated town unfurled before the vision of the Captain.

Small suggestion, change “the eye” to his eyes, it keeps with the already established pattern in the previous sentence.

Another one is to use “quotation marks” even when you are identifying with color. Personally, I prefer to keep away from bold or color, as it can get distracting, but I will use italics for emphasis and thought.

I personally enjoy scenery (and it’s something I always encourage), so some of what you did here,

“One of them even went close enough that the cloud of dust it brought up covered the somewhat-clean uniform in a fine layer of dirt.”

Could be added to in the future, a few pages back I suggested to Demetri that he increase his setting using adjectives and descriptions to make the world around him a bit more “real” and that really improved the post he wanted to work on.

Small things like the horrible heat (which is expected) in addition to some personal observation that your character might notice, can help the reader have something in common with your character. You did mention the dust, but adding that it was grainy after he had swallowed/coughed up some, could have added some beneficial texture to the scene.

You did that well here:

He was covered in dust and breathing heavily, but still pushed on, putting one leg ahead of another and then again. He could swear that he saw an silhouette of a town he was heading for on the horizon just moment ago but that might just been a mirage birthed by the descending sun.

[spoiler]Stephan was thrown violently through the air flying a couple of meters and landing hard on his back. From the looks of it the broken body was far too damaged to anything but bleed out slowly. The assaulting car stopped, bent metal in its front screeching loudly and some spikes falling off. The rest of the cars swiftly caught up with the leader, honking and shooting crude guns up in the air as they went.

“Jo-has! Jo-has!”

They chanted. The driver of the front, who just must have been that very “Johas” ,climbed out of his vehicle and raised his hands triumphantly. The driver was dressed in only in baggy pants and some leathery belts that looked suspiciously like suspenders. His sinewy, but imposing and strong frame was covered tattoos and scars, most of which looked like bullet wounds, far too many actually. He was obviously delighted, but then he twitched.

MOMMA WANTS TO EAT!

Johas dashed back into his car with a scream. The rest of the raiders met that turn of events with more honking and expectant screams. The cars, circling the scene up to this moment, formed a rough shape, stopping around the prone figure. That was twitching and smoking faintly at this point. Huh, when did he manage to catch fire? Anyway, the rest of the assailants climbed out of their cars and onto them, waiting for the coming show impatiently. Most of them were dressed similar to Johas, but some wore makeshift armor, made from scraps and an occasional tire, the more decent looking ones had some sort of a projectile weapon, from pistols and hand crossbows to shotguns and wait a second did that one actually have a blaster on him? Huh, damn stormtrooper deserters… The half-naked bandits mostly swung about with the clubs, axes and buzzsaws, small circular axe-like automated saws, those were the most unstable of the group, while their faces hid behind white-metal masks the sounds they were making were disconcerting at best. By the moment Johas jumped out of his car the other fifteen or so bandits made themselves comfortable on top of their cars, banging their fists on the hulls in a steadily growing rhythm.

FEED THE MOMMA! MEAT TO MOMMA! MOMMA TEAR MOMMA FEED MOMMA LOVE US!

The bandit champion was waving something above his head, yelling madly as the fists hit the metal. At one point he stopped, just as suddenly as everything else he did. That was the moment the thing became visible. A small scale industrial chainsaw, dangling wires and ripped metal parts it was once obviously a part of a bigger, likely stationary, machine before. But that wasn’t what caught the eye. A dried up head of a woman replacing the chassis was. Its mouth was open, as if screeching, or waiting to be fed, and the rusty, worn chain was going out right through the nose. The rest of the gang was ecstatic. They kept on banging and screaming words, as if stuck in some kind of a bloody trance, waiting for the show the “Momma” was about to put on.

Spoiler:


A prone figure finally moved, turning itself over. The hat fell off into the dirt and most of the uniform was a torn mess, caught on the spikes and then thrown around. The tiny rivulets of smoke floating upwards began gaining some actual form, as if the man was just barely put out after being set on fire. But instead of decreasing in volume and opacity they only became more and more apparent, now obvious to anyone who cared to look. As Stephan raised himself from the ground onto his elbows, still twitching periodically, he was yanked violently upwards by a free hand of the screaming madman above him, who wanted his “sacrifice” standing. Barely keeping his footing captain stumbled a bit forward.

SMOKEY MAN TOUGH, MOMMA LOVE WHEN THEY TOUGH, TOUGH BLEED BETTER, TOUGH BLEED MORE!

Johas just kept screaming.

TALK TO MOMMA SMOKEY!

Stephan twitched again, then again, and then he started laughing heartily.

Thank you, madman from the wasteland! Thank you!

The insane man was obviously not amused, and those from the “audience” who had the mental capacity to get concerned still didn’t go out of their trance.

SMOKEY TALKS TO MOMMA, MOMMA HUGS SMOKEY!

He swung his “mother” upwards in a wide arc and threw it down on the victim. Only for the whirling, rusty chain to be caught by the metal hand with an impotent screech and churn as the blade bent and electric motor malfunctioned, not used to being thrown against steel.

I know just what to do now.[/spoiler]



In this post, you described the action very well, and I felt the danger from the crazy chainsaw bandit! My only reflection for improvement would bet that you keep track of your character during the action, and show a little of what he was thinking during it. It adds perspective, and during the middle I wasn’t sure how Stephan was doing.

I got a really good sense of “mad max” in the last post. It was intense.

“Shit, that’s a Prime!” - huh, this must have come from one of the sane ones.

This is the quote of the year xD it really amused me.

Right after it, there was a huge wall of text. Just be careful with that, and I think there could have been a paragraph separator in there about halfway through!

While Johas was still trying to pull his weapon from the, literally, steely grip of his opponent almost 8 psychotic bastards rushed Stephan from left and behind. ‘Almost’ because one of them was barely a meter tall. Aaaaaand yes, he was just trampled over. Damn, is he still giggling?

Keep an eye on your pronouns.

“Tom put out the dog, then he took out the trash.” We know Tom did both of these things, and every time there is a “he,” grammatically it pertains to the person mentioned just before (unless the sex differs), in the above case, we don’t know if the dog is a girl, but it is an animal, so the noun “dog” remains unimposing on this rule, whereas Johas has been defined as male.

The spinning chunk of metal hit one of them square in the chest, crushing the ribs with a wet sound,

Great adjective, (I was eating, I could feel the imagery, enough said) *horror/ appreciation*

Other than those two things, it was an epic fight scene! You had great variation and diversity, as well as a good amount of imagery and description, keep it up!

“Damn it, newbie, we do not question orders! We foll…” sergeant trailed off. There was a small cloud of dust coming their way, as if a vehicle or two were running around in the savannah.

“Get your gun and helmet. We might be getting some guests.” Stormtrooper jumped to his feet, as if he wasn’t resting just a minute ago, in a flash the dusty helmet was back on his head and he was readying his blaster for whatever could be coming their way.

This bit of ST dialogue was really awesome, and lead into the story perfectly.


Hmm, I noticed you frequently separate your dialogue with a hyphen, usually and correctly, it will be separated the way you were quoted above, or with a comma in front or just before the quotation marks end.

Quick example. As Tom took out the dog, he then said, “Come here, Marley!”

Or

“MARLEY, YOU BETTER COME HERE!” he shouted so that the entire neighborhood could hear.

Sarge stared at him for a moment, looking at dirty clothing, ruined hat and gleaming metal part of a man in front of him. Obviously a prime. He wasn’t dealing with this. Standing around in the desert wasn’t worth trying to stop an obviously dangerous individual. He also killed some bandits for all that is worth, so maybe it wouldn’t be as bad.

I liked what happened right here, so much was said in so very little, and that conciseness was really awesome to me, the reader. Caution/something to keep in mind: be careful with perspective. With a new paragraph, it became Sarge’s thoughts. I wasn’t sure what he was directly thinking, and was he felt, so just keep in mind that separators make it easier and more concise (even just italics) for the reader to understand. We want a fluent paragraph that narrates and describes what is going on. Anything less would be restricting to the story we are trying to tell and our audience’s imagination.

“It’s my goddamn job to give you pep talk, get to work." - Sarge put his hand to the comm, - "Hey, Rick? Yeah, it's me. There is a prime going your way, pour him one on me, he dealt with... Ithink it is Johas, but I'm not sure, head is too fucked up. Yeah. Yup. I think he is new here, he didn't even summon a drive for himself. No, he took one of their cars. Damn just ask him yourself, he is limping your way."

This paragraph did a lot to enhance the story and plot, as well as give a fresh/ respected perspective on how your character is seen by others in the Omniverse.

”Carreeeeforrre… name’s just as dead as the rest of the place” he mumbled as he walked past the ‘Welcome to Carrefore’ sign, the place was quite desolate to be honest. While there were no obvious ruins and gaping broken windows even a newcomer, like our old man, could see that almost half the buildings were either empty, hollowed out shells or long abandoned and left to slowly rot under the sun, at the mercy of neglect and wind.

This part was informative, it told the reader what he is looking at, and offered a bit of insight on what he was thinking. First impressions can even show the state of mind Stephan is in, and I got a distinct idea of his state, even though it was not described outwardly.

swallowed it in one go the barkeep asked:

“So what the hell happened? You honestly look like shit.”

A glimpse of anger appeared in Stephan's eye for a moment, but it quickly vanished.

“Yeah, you’re right. I do. I kinda just appeared in the middle of empty white nothingness… when was it… the last day I guess? After that I just sat around for a couple of hours, and then chose a direction to go to, went through some gate, walked for a half-a-damn-day in between the bushes, got ran over, killed those who didn’t run, stole their engine and now I am here.”

This blip speed up the tempo of the story a bit, and finally gave the reader some information that anyone curious was definitely hoping for. I like the run-down, and the way it happened, revolving around Rick’s cafe, and the bartender, it was all very natural, and very impactive. What followed was pretty great too, because you took a nice spin on delivering some new information to Stephan.

“Why didn’t I what? I’m not some stage magician to just pull wheels out of my hat I’ll have you know.”

“Oh, don’t tell me you managed to ignore that little brief the Big O gives to all the Primes?”

The Captain’s skepticism before he began to summon really added a good foundation as to where he came from, and what he knew to be true in his world. I liked the way it was brought about, and I like that Rick was the teacher! The items he chose to summon were intriguing as well.

”Wait, I didn’t even get his name… Eh, I guess it was Rick.”

Past another post of bored guards in dirty white gear Stephan could only see the sand. It was far worse than on the other side of the town, where there was at least a couple of bushes and trees dotting the landscape here and there. Here, there was just the endless sand, flowing like waves in the ocean. After a short stop to remember and then summon something fitting for the landscape Stephan shot off into the Dunes, not really looking back.

It was a firm ending, however, I felt like “really” could have been omitted or replaced by something else, as I felt it was indecisive on his action.. An example to change the mood would be, “Not daring to look back.” which implies hesitation, or “Not bothering to look back.” which implies he has something (a bright future) to look forward to.
-------------

Overall: the story was good and very action-themed. I wasn’t sure the kind of review you wanted, so I started off a little construction and then I’d like to get into some plot stuff if that’s okay.

Before I continue, about halfway through, I felt you got a little better with your dialogue and diction, which cleared up a bit of the cohesion for the reader. Did something change? I felt the quality grew in just a short time alone, that most of my suggestions above were less relevant afterward. somysuggestionsaren’tallrelevantanymore

Plot! and other things... Where will he go from there? I was left curious, and was interested to see if you had another thread going, and very intrigued as to what you would and could do to continue. What are some of your ideas for him? I really like the way his character has grown in such a short time and a short thread.

You are solid in knowing your character well (as I felt he didn’t change drastically one minute to the next) and I liked your use of dialogue and wanted to promote it more, as well as your use of imagery, and perspective on Stephan.

Some other things I want you to keep in mind, is that a good writing partner could really help your progress, and the character’s progress as he familiarizes himself with the new world he has been transported to. You could go many different routes, and I think there are some fun options there.

Lastly, your writing is fun, you are creative, and I think anyone who has an open thread would value your skills and input on their story as well. Good work on this topic, I hope to read more of him soon, and good luck in the future Stephan!

[Gildarts]

Alright, so this is one of my higher end post, so I need critique by the best  Lay it on me for what I need to work on

Sweet, sorry about the delay >.< hopefully I’m not too late.

Here goes.
[spoiler]

"Damn these royal bastards, no different than those back home." Demetri harshly whispered to nobody in particular, thinking aloud.

Nice hook.

The thief was at a clear disadvantage in this encounter. With three against him and the ottsel, they would have a hard time escaping. Within the past few minutes, Demetri had barely scraped by without too much injury.

Was barely scraping by without injury? (makes it a bit more clear/concise)

His dark clothing werewas singed, the cloth had hardened by the heat of flames, as well as received a few cuts and holes in the garments, his blood and skin revealed beneath the leather. The two deep gashes in his legs, inflicted by Victor, pained him the most. His movement was impaired, slowed by the sharp pain with each step. [nice] Demetri's cloak was the most [horribly] damaged, the simple cloth always [found itself] a moment behind his movements.

Fortunately, Demetri had managed to get his companion out of the immediate area, along with his lost secondary, IRIS. If current events didn't go as planned, which Demetri figured they wouldn't, at least they would be able to escape. It wouldn't be the first time Demetri would face the punishment of his actions, but as long as he played his cards right, he had a chance.

Demetri faced the three primes before him, however, another presence slipped into his senses. Demetri used his deception again as the figure soon arrived, and the solo strategist waited in the shadows, trying to interpret whether he was a friend or foe. As soon as the man began to utter friendly words to the prime in blue clothing, Demetri sent a chain his way, slashing at his left leg, hoping to cause enough damage to slow his movement. He needed these [enemy/adjective] primes to be as hindered as possible to allow his escape. The thief attempted to execute a follow up attack, but was blocked by the prime his target had talked to. Demetri gritted his teeth in discontent, annoyed at his blocked attack.

The thief watched as the group quickly exchanged some words, and Victor began to give chase to the ottsel.

I'll be damned if I'm going to let you get away. (exclamation point FOR PASSION!)

The rogue shot his trusty chains to the fleeing assassin, his focus and determination fueling his speed and aim. The chain mechanism prepared his shot, the gears inside grinding and forcing the spring mechanism to arm, before giving a quick release. With a soft jingle, the chains pierced the air, the metal shining with the reflection of the burning sun. The mechanism hummed with satisfaction at its successful launch, the gears spinning, giving enough slack to allow the chains their maximum projected speed. Demetri's eyes followed its trajectory, cracking a soft smile as his weapon reached for his target.

Nice action description. You killer, you.

KLINK!

The sudden striking of metal caused the thief to narrow his eyes, his chain going limp mid-air before quickly returning for repairs. [I would add in something along the lines of how it felt/ sensory, as it is a good spot to]

The new arrival stood with a pistol aimed to the air, the gun smoking with freshly ignited gunpowder. The bullet had barely saved the prime's ally, piercing the chain and splitting is from its blade. The separated blade fell from the air, landing with a soft thud in the sand. Victor quickly vanished as he tracked the ottsel's trail out into the streets.

The thief turned his attention back to the three primes before him.

Victor's savior was quick to aim his second pistol at the thief, firing a second round. The worn thief barely deflected the bullet with his swordbreaker, at the cost of the blade being destroyed. Demetri had not faced such weapons before, and was[instead of was, “found himself” or grew, diversifies it slightly] perplexed at the force behind them. How could such small arms carry so much [such “powerful”/adjective] force?

The thief's quick thoughts were interrupted as he realized the blue-clothed prime had finished charging up another fire attack. Demetri began to try and dodge to his left, but suddenly found a blade stuck in his arm. Demetri reacted with his own blade being shot at its owner, who held a rope to his blade. With a tug from both primes, they were flung through they air, their faces grimacing before landing beside each other.

Sasuke quickly sputtered as he choked down his [molten/adjective] flame, refusing to look disgraceful [hmm, I don’t know if disgraceful is the best word, the same sentenced matched with “humiliated” seems much more simple, and effective] with an collateral damage to an ally.

Right before collateral damage, or perhaps in between, you could add a sensory/imagery adjective or detail, that could better enforce the cost the battle is having on certain characters.

Meanwhile, Erik stood in the back charging his own chakram attack. Shay and Demetri quickly stood up, Demetri summoning his swordbreaker once again and Shay unsheathing his sword and dagger. The thief quickly exchanged blows with the rogue assassin, while the Uchiha used a burst of speed to give a surprise attack to the intruder.

Demetri was shoved to the side with a kick, sending him into the range of Erik's prepared attack. The thief's eyes widened as the ring of energy shot towards him. With a quick spin and thrust of his hands, Demetri managed to get himself airborne, just a foot off of[/b] the ground, but enough to aim his body to the hole in the center of the attack[I wasn’t sure how to imagine this, so maybe just add a bit more on the mid-air movement]. As he pushed through, he felt a sharp pain on his sides, the energy having burned through his leather clothing and some of his flesh.

With a grunt, Demetri slowly stood up, out of breath from defending [s]from the previous [attacks] [onslaught is a powerful word >.<]. His legs ached with pain, the blood now seeped completely through his clothes and now tainting the sand with its crimson color. The three primes [rose/turned to] faced him once more. It was no use fighting, he needed to escape.

Demetri then paused for a moment as the three prepared their attacks. Shay stood with a rifle, Sasuke signed his fire technique, and Erik charged another chakhram.

Demetri slipped away, leaving a clone in his wake as he struggled to run after Victor. The three primes unleashed their [the fury of their] attacks upon[just on is fine] the clone, who began by deflecting the muskets bullet and sliding around the ring of energy, before then preparing for the fire, which never came. Sasuke had already passed the clone, following the visible trail of blood in the sand to follow the man who thought could deceive the great Uchiha.

Nice ending. Very well written. I didn't really have much to suggest. Demmy, why did you need me to look it over, you crazy !!!!! It’s wonderful, a little bit more sensory and I would certainly be afraid to go up against you ! <3

[Stephan Donnel]

First off, thanks for reading through my crappy excuse of a writing.

Small suggestion, change “the eye” to his eyes, it keeps with the already established pattern in the previous sentence.

He kind of only has one that can adjust to anything.

Another one is to use “quotation marks” even when you are identifying with color. Personally, I prefer to keep away from bold or color, as it can get distracting, but I will use italics for emphasis and thought.

I fixed that later, as I saw it wasn't really working out, I guess you noticed that.

during the middle I wasn’t sure how Stephan was doing.

Intended effect actually.

Hmm, I noticed you frequently separate your dialogue with a hyphen, usually and correctly, it will be separated the way you were quoted above, or with a comma in front or just before the quotation marks end.

That is a Russian thing really. We handle those a bit differently. I noticed that in other posts around the sites and it was also pointed out to me, so I later changed how I handle this.

I liked what happened right here, so much was said in so very little, and that conciseness was really awesome to me, the reader. Caution/something to keep in mind: be careful with perspective. With a new paragraph, it became Sarge’s thoughts. I wasn’t sure what he was directly thinking, and was he felt, so just keep in mind that separators make it easier and more concise (even just italics) for the reader to understand. We want a fluent paragraph that narrates and describes what is going on. Anything less would be restricting to the story we are trying to tell and our audience’s imagination.

That, once again, intended.

It was a firm ending, however, I felt like “really” could have been omitted or replaced by something else, as I felt it was indecisive on his action.. An example to change the mood would be, “Not daring to look back.” which implies hesitation, or “Not bothering to look back.” which implies he has something (a bright future) to look forward to.

Now, this one, I fucked up in the extreme. I intended some sort of drawn-out transition to travel, but I was extremely tired (and wanted to get the post out today) and wrapped it up to the point where it is just a gurglegurgle of "he did a thing".

Before I continue, about halfway through, I felt you got a little better with your dialogue and diction, which cleared up a bit of the cohesion for the reader. Did something change? I felt the quality grew in just a short time alone, that most of my suggestions above were less relevant afterward. somysuggestionsaren’tallrelevantanymore

It is a thing that happens to me... don't really know how to explain it.

Plot! and other things... Where will he go from there? I was left curious, and was interested to see if you had another thread going, and very intrigued as to what you would and could do to continue. What are some of your ideas for him? I really like the way his character has grown in such a short time and a short thread.

I'll be putting up a "story-line" thing in his profile soon, so getting to know him will be easier.

good luck in the future Stephan!

As of this post he is stuck in 1v4 in the "New Babylon clusterfuck" as it came to be referred to.

[Corporal Light]

Might as well change Gildarts name to Gildarts, the Master Reviewer XD

Anyways, my "read it back" for this topic still stands <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4197">viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4197</a><!-- l -->

[Gildarts]

Might as well change Gildarts name to Gildarts, the Master Reviewer XD

Anyways, my "read it back" for this topic still stands <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4197">viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4197</a><!-- l -->

Ballad! I'm not sure when I'll get the chance to do this (as it is more of an extended/ongoing review), I have a lot on my plate with judging the camelot tournament, I joined Nanowrimo this month and that has taken much of my time, and I also am moving to another state irl due to my dad's condition. My next day off isn't for another (at least) a week, so I'll have to find the time later. Sorry, and I hope you can get by on what advice I offered before until I get around to doing your review.

[Miranda Frost]

I did some prewriting for the thread miranda is currently in and i'd like to have someone look at it. I feel its a powerful moment in miranda's story here and i'd like to amplify that as best as i can. I have went through and proofread it a couple of times, though chances are i probably missed a lot. Could any of you have a look at it? If so I'll pm it.

[Corporal Light]

I need some kind of C&C, so I'll advertise Herr with this thread

<!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4710#p54368">viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4710#p54368</a><!-- l -->

Also, my own C&C thread is still available for usage. Any post is good.

[Gildarts]

I did some prewriting for the thread miranda is currently in and i'd like to have someone look at it. I feel its a powerful moment in miranda's story here and i'd like to amplify that as best as i can. I have went through and proofread it a couple of times, though chances are i probably missed a lot. Could any of you have a look at it? If so I'll pm it.

Heyyo, I'm in the middle of moving -which is stressful- but sent what you want reviewed my way, and I'll hope to get it done in any free time I'm able to find.

I'll check up on your thread too ballad, if I get the chance.

[Gildarts]

This thread is old. But I don't think it is a bad idea to... bring it back. :awesome: I got a little overwhelmed last time so if I'm going to C&C which I do find myself to enjoy, I'll limit it to a singular post rather than a thread, and I probably won't be doing them as frequently. I'll shoot for one per week at minimum, you can link / post it here OR Pm my main account "Sam" if anyone is interested.

[Jack Darby]

[spoiler] 

When he arrived in Camelot, the smell of fresh air assaulted Repliku’s nose. The air smelled purer and cleaner than any that he had ever inhaled before, making him stop near the gate and simply take a moment to breathe in. As he looked around the place and looked upwards he could see a floating island. What was the name of the island that he was seeing? It appeared to be immense, and Repliku knew he’d have to get up there somehow. How though? His attempt to make anything out of Omnilium thus far had been a complete and absolute failure because he hadn’t been able to succeed as of yet. Worry shot through him like a needle would sew thread, as Repliku was now concerned. If he couldn’t master the skill of summoning things using Omnilium, was he even going to be able to hold his own against the presence of Heartless? Fear was an emotion the clone had never felt, but now was feeling in spades as he began to walk from the gate of Camelot further inwards. Black creatures swarmed around him in a group of fifteen, Repliku recognized them. These were "Shadows" which were the weakest form of Heartless. Scowling at the presence of them, Repliku knew he'd have to fight them off before he could continue on his journey. 

The fact they'd found him this soon though? It was worrying because he was nowhere near ready to engage them in combat. His power level was that of a beginner, and Repliku knew that if any more powerful Heartless showed up he was screwed. Slash, one of the Heartless dissipated but the heart didn't release from them. Of course, the Soul Eater wasn't a key-blade. Repliku needed one of those, but what did the blades do again? He couldn't honestly remember, nor could he remember how Riku had summoned one of them. Many of his memories, especially any relating to how any members of the Organization fought, or how his template or Sora fought were missing from his head. The clone was irritated. Another one of the Heartless lunged at him, only to meet its end on Soul Eater. The more he destroyed of the Heartless, the more relaxed Repliku felt as if doing this was a natural thing for him. Still, he’d need an easier way to vanquish the Heartless as if any of them came in larger numbers, they’d be problematic. Once he had finished his fifteen pest problem, Repliku sighed. He should really get up to that floating island, and have a look around, to see if he could find anything worth reading. Maybe if he played his cards right, there would be some books on magic there that he could exploit. Trying to create a bridge or stairway up to Dalaran without any clue as to what he was doing, The Replica of Riku once more failed. 

"Damn it. Nothing I do is working,"  said the clone of Riku. "What does it take to master Omnilium properly?" 
--------------------------------
[/spoiler]

Need some critique on this post before I post it up in Camelot. 

[Gildarts]

Hi Good morning! Nice post! There's just a few tweaks that I'd fix grammar wise, and I do encourage a little growth of some sentences with details to bring the moment alive. He's seeing the world for the first time! It is immersive and real!

Writer's note. I use quotes just to help separate when I'm suggesting things, sorry if they break up the paragraphs, luckily you can delete my words and yours'll be back to normal and! back to being their best!

Sometimes when critiques are fine-tuned, we have another analytical set of eyes on our words and that can be a little daunting! Please don't feel that way! I want what is best for you and am here to help! Here goes.

Rep's post.

When he arrived in Camelot, the smell scent of fresh air assaulted Repliku’s nose. The air smelled purer and cleaner than any that he had ever inhaled before, making him stop near the gate and simply take a moment to breathe in.

It felt a little repetition-y (see italics), so I crossed out the first "smell" and put scent. Before scent you could also place another adjective too, to build upon, because when we changed the word, we changed the flavor of the sentence!

As he looked around the place and looked upwards he could see a floating island.

Small/ same deal here, we want to make sure the flow of the sentence is the best it can be! It is important when your character observes a new place for the first time. How do they feel when they see the island just sitting there in the air? Instead  "As he looked around," maybe coax a little more narration out of the character's perspective. Did the floating island make him feel particularly small because he couldn't summon a steed or otherwise pegasus?  

What was the name of the island that he was seeing? It appeared to be immense, and Repliku knew he’d have to get up there somehow. How though? His attempt to make anything out of Omnilium thus far had been a complete and absolute failure because he hadn’t been able to succeed as of yet. Worry shot through him like a needle would sew thread,(Nice visual!) as Repliku was now concerned. If he couldn’t master the skill of summoning things using Omnilium, was he even going to be able to hold his own against the presence of Heartless? Fear was an emotion the clone had never felt, but now was feeling in spades as he began to walk from the gate of Camelot further inwards. Black creatures swarmed around him in a group of fifteen, Repliku recognized them. These were "Shadows" which were the weakest form of Heartless. Scowling at the presence of them, Repliku knew he'd have to fight them off before he could continue on his journey.

This paragraph looks good, tensions are mounting at the end! The part I underlined I suggest you omit, only because you said it was a failure before you said he hadn't been able to succeed. You could shorten the sentence, or you could pose your character an internal question of something along the lines of- (though I'm not sure of your character's reasons) "Why? Why couldn't he focus? Was there something wrong with him?" Then I would say something about how the Omnillium had fizzled out when he had attempted to do it, this kind of shows the reader a visual and lets them go on Repliku's journey rather than just telling them that he hadn't been able to.

I liked the visual you painted when you said "Worry shot through him like a needle would sew thread" it was short and a really effective description.


Note! Sometimes when a new thread/storyline starts it is okay to repeat a few key facts in story, because when we jump from thread to another thread in character on a forum like this, a bit is lost. At the start of the Harry Potter books, JK Rowling always does a little "preview" / summary from her last book, even though the reader has read it, it serves purpose to jog their mind and people don't ever skip that part just because they know it before. The trick is to say it or explain in a new and enthralling way or just detail it different.

The fact they'd found him this soon though? It was worrying because he was nowhere near ready to engage them in combat. His power level was that of a beginner, and Repliku knew that if any more powerful Heartless showed up he was screwed. Slash, one of the Heartless dissipated but the heart didn't release from them.

My best friend plays KH and while I've watched her play it a few times. In the above, I want to suggest that maybe adding onto the sentence on how that is eerie or strange for the heart not to release.

Of course, the Soul Eater wasn't a key-blade. Repliku needed one of those, but what did the blades do again? He couldn't honestly remember, nor could he remember how Riku had summoned one of them. Many of his memories, especially any relating to how any members of the Organization fought, or how his template or Sora fought were missing from his head.

"how his template" is bold because I felt like there was a piece missing following it. I'm not sure where you were going so feel free to reply back so we can help fill it in!

The clone was irritated. Another one of the Heartless lunged at him, only to meet its end on Soul Eater. The more he destroyed of the Heartless, the more relaxed Repliku felt as if doing this was a natural thing for him. Still, he’d need an easier way to vanquish the Heartless as if any of them came in larger numbers, they’d be problematic. Once he had finished his fifteen pest problem, Repliku sighed. He should really get up to that floating island, and have a look around, to see if he could find anything worth reading. Maybe if he played his cards right, there would be some books on magic there that he could exploit. <Such as,>Trying to create a bridge or stairway up to Dalaran without any clue as to what he was doing, The Replica of Riku once more failed.

the last sentence is something I would tweak, adding "such as" to show that the following was an example of how he could use his Omnillium to get up to the floating island.

Here's how I would switch around your sentence so the flow of it is best.

[...that he could exploit] such as trying to create a bridge or stairway to Dalaran out of Omnillium. The Replica of Riku once again felt the weighing burden of failure.

I would not put a period between exploit and such as, instead I pushed the period further down.

"Damn it. Nothing I do is working,"  said the clone of Riku. "What does it take to master Omnilium properly?" 

Good ending! I like it when posts lead into their next ones, kind of like cliffhangers.

I wasn't sure what you wanted in the form of critique so I added some grammar clues and sentence suggestions. Let me know if you have any questions or want to add more detail and want to fine-tune it further.

Overall, other than the small repetition which everyone does at one point, I'd say you've got a great start. If I was to suggest something for you to take away, I would work on adding a little more visual to detail what the world around Repliku looks like.