Read It Back

[Thaal Sinestro]

Okay so im having Demetri summon his little helper bot IRIS, so this will be its intro before he infiltrates an empire base.

[spoiler]As Demetri silently walked the alleyways, he thought more about how Nealaphh was teaching the girl to summon objects. He began to wonder if perhaps he could summon a companion to aide him in his observations and quests. Certainly another pair of eyes would be helpful. He stopped in one of the darker alleyways as the sun began to set and pondered what type of ally he would need. His ally needed to be strategic and intelligent, and well fit to accompany him and keep up with his speed and stealth. He remembered seeing peculiar items at the mechanist shop, and all the different mechanisms that were in there, although he didn't pay enough attention to remember much details. If he could indeed summon an ally, it may be in his best interest to summon a living machine that could support him. He sat behind a dumpster and focused. The machine would have to be small, yet mobile. If it could somehow levitate, it would most likely be sufficient enough to move beside him but he also needed it to not attract too much attention. Perhaps if it was a sphere, each immediate necessary part could reach out and retract, allowing it to function at all times yet be able to retreat into itself for defense or stealth movement. Demetri then held his hand out. Perhaps...

As he focused his energy a small orb began to form. Demetri closed his eyes and let out a deep breath willing it to form and aide him, to be a part of this world. He visualized each part, trying to complete technology far ahead of his home world age. Soon he began to feel a presence, and slowly he opened his eyes. A silver plated mechanism floated centimeters above his hand. Small puffs team erupted from small crevasses between the plates, where it could be seen that a mechanism could protrude from. Then it began to speak.

Powering on.... calibrating gyroscope.... searching for artificial intelligence... downloading personality.... initiating protocols.... booting up.... successful.

Steam then poured out as the mechanism expanded, the front plates shifted and opened, revealing a camera-like glass and a small blue light that flickered and darted from side to side. Two small mechanical arms came out from its sides towards its bottom, with small plates at each of its joints for protection. At the end of each arm was a clawlike hand, complete with three sharp metal fingers, and a small rubber bump on its palm. Another two devices prodded out from its side on the top. The top devices were plated on top as well and lasers beamed from each side with what seemed like some kind of ranged shooting device. The eye began to emit a blue ray at Demetri, as if it was analyzing him.

Scanning... no threat detected. Current affiliate is known creator. Thanks is given. Logging biometric details into database for future reference and recognition. Registering... complete. Boot complete. Completing setup....Intelligent Robotic Infiltration Strategist IRIS variant initiated. Starting personality program.

Suddenly the weapons retracted into the machine and the blue light on the eye flickered, looking around for a moment before focusing on Demetri.

Ugh... starting up is such a tiring process...hello there creator. I am IRIS. Intelligent Robotic Infiltration Strategist variant of omniverse technology. Or at least that's what my programming says. Nice to meet you.[/spoiler]

This is actually pretty cool! I like it as a little intro scene for your secondary.

The one thing I often find myself urging writers to do more on the site is to delve a little deeper into your descriptions. I love that you talked about how it looked and moved AS IT DID STUFF, the whole "show don't tell," aspect of your writing was strong. Just give us a little more, you know? The SMALL details are what really brings something to life in my mind, you know? Are there any quirky qualities it exhibits? Are there any dents, or does it's perfect smoothness stand out? You can give the reader an idea about the character of a person or object by what details you choose to focus on.

If he's from an ancient time, maybe the steel reminds him of a finely polished shield, or the blade of a masterfully crafted sword? What comparisons can his mind draw from his limited background?

It would also be cool to see what little "mistakes" he would make trying to imagine how it works. It would be a really cool fusion to have an advanced object AS IMAGINED by an ancient warrior. Like, maybe the whirring servos inside are operated by tiny imps, or the gears are made of wood? Remember, the way that your character THINKS this object should work is how it WILL work. Just an idea to play with.

Little typo here:
"Small puffs team erupted" should be "Small puffs of steam erupted" I think?

[Demetri Malius]

Thanks guys ^-^ I'll add your suggestions in, oh, and I just got a great idea for IRIS, going to try to get on s computer and add all the extra details thanks again!

Updated Post

[Gildarts]

RIB

Divided these categories yo'

A few notes as I go along: [spoiler]Your introductory sentence was compelling. What a cool way to incorporate a memory! And what a nice way to leap into the ultimate Koopa interaction. PSH. "How scary can a turtle be?" (That depends if it has a freaking spiked shell of course!)

Hmm. I like the very animated responses Miranda seems to display, it brings her character to life. From these distinguished reactions I get a good sense of who her character is, and the sort of perspective she has on the world and her newfound Omniverse.

November is a cool name for a guy!

Can I just say it only makes sense that mayor orange's text is orange.

Zack and Miranda are forming an interesting dynamic together (foil?), and I rather think much more can be done with their interactions down the line, as they become more familiar with one another. Zack answers the questions (offering the reader his subtle backstory and demonstrating a nice quality you as a writer have). Zack's reflection and writing style bounce off of Miranda who supports with action and just getting sh*t done.

They are also strung together by the amount of battle experience they have.

Oooo! Love the integration of music~

THE ENDING YOUR LAST POST.

I have no words. Very epic.[/spoiler]

Construction: [spoiler]There were two parts I wasn't quite sure what you were referring to, (like whether or not it was something from the previous post, or if it was another flashback). One of these was the introduction in your latest post to the battle, I wasn't sure where they came from, though, with the action I wasn't asking questions!

Suggestion: Just work on connecting and displaying what is happening to the reader. I've have to think about this too, we all do as narrators to a story, because the reader can't know always that you are thinking and trying to put into how our character sees things, not to mention there are times when words won't always tell the things we want to convey in a way we want them to.

Another suggestion would be to add a tad more detail, I liked the mention of transportation, however I was left wanting to know how it functioned in the treacherous terrain that is the ashen stepps. Detail can fill in the reader on what the character we are reading about sees, feels, and touches so don't hold back and write what occurs to you so we can submerge ourselves, and sometimes little mentions can add to the flow of the story.[/spoiler]

My absolute favorite:[spoiler]For Miranda Frost, I love how distinguished your character is. as a reader I feel like I can understand her perspective, relate to her, and her character's personality strength jumps off the page.

Everything with Miranda just falls into place, and fits. Nothing (no action, reaction or otherwise) feels forced, everything flows naturally to the tune of the role play and story. I really fell in love with her character as I was reading and found her undeniably relatable. (Though, I wish I was more badass like her.)


Zack's descriptions and reactions to Miranda were excellently done, and not over powered. I thought his character was really cool and would love to see him ascend to greatness.



And finally, I like the story so far and would really like to see where it will be taken next! Also, heist/hostage scene at the end really brought some action into it. I'm a big fan of this current development.

For additional feedback or alternative perspective, feel free to submit this thread to book club too ! Usually the reviews have a slightly different format than this, and can be beneficial as well to point out anything I may have missed or otherwise, just increase your publicity!

Keep writing guys, you are doing a great job.[/spoiler]

[Miranda Frost]

thanks! I guess i can work on the detail x3 my best posts are the shorter ones, and these big posts that are so common here on this site reeally exhaust me.


as for the situation at the end.. i have to change it as flying vehicles cannot be summoned in the ashen. gonna have to replace it with like.. a dragon or something.

[Gildarts]

Oh a dragon might be tricky too. Remember that Camelot is the only verse for creatures like Griffins and Pegusi.

[Miranda Frost]

yes but dragons are common in the ashen. as a secondary, blue cant summon.. but with red's help he should be able to catch one.

[Gildarts]

CATCH THE DRAGONS. Tame the beasts!

[Miranda Frost]

gotta catch them all.

[Yu Kanda]

I just found this thread....this might actually be the awnser to my "not being native english"-problem im sorry but you will have your work cut out for you with my future posts

[Thaal Sinestro]

I just found this thread....this might actually be the awnser to my "not being native english"-problem im sorry but you will have your work cut out for you with my future posts

That's totally fine! If we can help you get better, it doesn't matter if we've got a little more work to do

[Albert Wesker]

Just found this thread and it made me realize something. I've been writing and doing this whole RPing thing for over a decade now, and can't recall once ever getting solid, in-depth feedback of any level. It also occurred to me I'm not really sure just how much I ma have improved in that time. Obviously I don't have a reference for how I used to write, but where I am now is something I do have a measure for.

With that said, I would appreciate it much if I could possibly get some feedback on my latest and so far only post with Colonel, which can be found right here.

Compounded with working at the library, and thus having less time than usual for writing, and working with a new character, I'm not so sure of the quality, so I'm sure it's got some flaws somewhere in there, which I probably missed due to the aforementioned reasons, compounded, again, with a somewhat poor mood and poor sleep for the past long while.

On a semi-related note, if anyone feels like it or has time, I would also love feedback on my....'work' as Adam. This thread is probably the best example I have of him. Not asking for a look at the whole thread, even as relatively short as it is, just perhaps a post or two, if you have the time/desire to do so.

And while I cannot promise I am the best judge of such things ('best' being quite subjective, anyway), I can also offer to take a look at things for other people if you so desire.

Many thanks in advance to anyone who may decide to offer feedback.

[Thaal Sinestro]

Just found this thread and it made me realize something. I've been writing and doing this whole RPing thing for over a decade now, and can't recall once ever getting solid, in-depth feedback of any level. It also occurred to me I'm not really sure just how much I ma have improved in that time. Obviously I don't have a reference for how I used to write, but where I am now is something I do have a measure for.

With that said, I would appreciate it much if I could possibly get some feedback on my latest and so far only post with Colonel, which can be found right here.

Compounded with working at the library, and thus having less time than usual for writing, and working with a new character, I'm not so sure of the quality, so I'm sure it's got some flaws somewhere in there, which I probably missed due to the aforementioned reasons, compounded, again, with a somewhat poor mood and poor sleep for the past long while.

On a semi-related note, if anyone feels like it or has time, I would also love feedback on my....'work' as Adam. This thread is probably the best example I have of him. Not asking for a look at the whole thread, even as relatively short as it is, just perhaps a post or two, if you have the time/desire to do so.

And while I cannot promise I am the best judge of such things ('best' being quite subjective, anyway), I can also offer to take a look at things for other people if you so desire.

Many thanks in advance to anyone who may decide to offer feedback.

Hey man, I'll do my absolute best to get to your stuff today!!

[Thaal Sinestro]

Just found this thread and it made me realize something. I've been writing and doing this whole RPing thing for over a decade now, and can't recall once ever getting solid, in-depth feedback of any level. It also occurred to me I'm not really sure just how much I ma have improved in that time. Obviously I don't have a reference for how I used to write, but where I am now is something I do have a measure for.

With that said, I would appreciate it much if I could possibly get some feedback on my latest and so far only post with Colonel, which can be found right here.

Compounded with working at the library, and thus having less time than usual for writing, and working with a new character, I'm not so sure of the quality, so I'm sure it's got some flaws somewhere in there, which I probably missed due to the aforementioned reasons, compounded, again, with a somewhat poor mood and poor sleep for the past long while.

On a semi-related note, if anyone feels like it or has time, I would also love feedback on my....'work' as Adam. This thread is probably the best example I have of him. Not asking for a look at the whole thread, even as relatively short as it is, just perhaps a post or two, if you have the time/desire to do so.

And while I cannot promise I am the best judge of such things ('best' being quite subjective, anyway), I can also offer to take a look at things for other people if you so desire.

Many thanks in advance to anyone who may decide to offer feedback.

Ok dude! So keep in mind that I am a person that reviews and points to more things that I can see room for improvement than I point out stuff I really like. It's something I'm working on! Just don't think that I don't A: like your writing, or B: that the stuff isn't great because I'm not pointing out as much stuff that's great! FYI: This is what I was listening to while reading.

I really like your style. It reminds me a lot of another Mega-inspired writer on the site: Protoman. And that's a pretty damn good compliment if you ask around! You have a not-quite minimalist style to your writing, the pace of it being driven by the action. This has a lot of pros and a few cons. I personally prefer for there to be more sensory description: smell, sound, color, texture, etc. Even if you just pull out a few sharp details that describe the SOUL of something, it's still nice to have a bit of flair.

For example: The description of the vehicle was good, I had an image in my mind of this abstract object for which I had no reference, which is good writing! However, I didn't get to feel much of that object's character. What did the thing sound like? What are some good descriptors for how it moves? Was the platform rounded, angular? What color was it?What good similes could you draw from it? What, at the core of this object, should we FEEL about it?

Overall, I would like to see more description, which is time consuming and can mess with your pace at times, but it really does serve a good purpose in the slower scenes like the one that he was going through. The more words, the longer it takes the reader to read, and therefor the slower the scene seems to the reader. In the heat of combat, you don't notice little details, but in a still moment, you do. The pace of your writing determines the pace of the scene, and the pace of your writing is determined by the number of words and the amount of detail you pour into every passing moment.

And again, I'd love to know more bout the FEELING of your world, through Colonel's eyes. If he is cold and calculating, point out the cold, calculating details. Tell us how a thing is shaped so that it will be more effective, or why a certain choice was made. Tell about the way he thinks through the details he notices.

This will also give your writing a stronger VOICE, which is a super important factor for really distinguished writing, in my opinion. For example, Sinestro sees the world through the color spectrums from the green Lantern comics, and associates the actions and personalities of other people through the emotional spectrum that he knows. So I write about that. I point out colors and emotions, because that's how he relates to the world. For the bandit, I point out the things that stand out to her, like how clean or dirty an object is. And with each of them, I try to structure my sentences differently, use different tones of words to exemplify the "flavor" of the world through their eyes.

Your pacing, aside all of that, is really good. I like how you allow us to see his thoughts and how he's thinking about the world he came from, which is starkly absent from a lot of folk's writing. By relating things back to the world he knows, you give the reader context for your character's world views and expectations. That's an awesome thing, so keep it up.

I didn't get a chance to read anything other than the Colonel, but in a SUPER cursory glance at it, it seems like you formatted your writing to more fit the character, which is awesome, because it, again, gives us context and voice.

Other than the big things, keep an eye on your word repetition. Quickly scan over your paragraphs and make sure you didn't use the same word unnecessarily twice. This can be helped with more editing and by using a greater catalog of words and more specific verbiage for the scene. I yo read back through your first paragraph posted, I think you'll see what I'm talkin' 'bout.

I think that you;re doing great, man! There's even improvement from your first post to your last post, so I think it's more about getting into the groove at this point. Keep on writing, and I'm excited to see more from you!

[Albert Wesker]

Ok dude! So keep in mind that I am a person that reviews and points to more things that I can see room for improvement than I point out stuff I really like. It's something I'm working on! Just don't think that I don't A: like your writing, or B: that the stuff isn't great because I'm not pointing out as much stuff that's great! FYI: This is what I was listening to while reading.

I really like your style. It reminds me a lot of another Mega-inspired writer on the site: Protoman. And that's a pretty damn good compliment if you ask around! You have a not-quite minimalist style to your writing, the pace of it being driven by the action. This has a lot of pros and a few cons. I personally prefer for there to be more sensory description: smell, sound, color, texture, etc. Even if you just pull out a few sharp details that describe the SOUL of something, it's still nice to have a bit of flair.

For example: The description of the vehicle was good, I had an image in my mind of this abstract object for which I had no reference, which is good writing! However, I didn't get to feel much of that object's character. What did the thing sound like? What are some good descriptors for how it moves? Was the platform rounded, angular? What color was it?What good similes could you draw from it? What, at the core of this object, should we FEEL about it?

Overall, I would like to see more description, which is time consuming and can mess with your pace at times, but it really does serve a good purpose in the slower scenes like the one that he was going through. The more words, the longer it takes the reader to read, and therefor the slower the scene seems to the reader. In the heat of combat, you don't notice little details, but in a still moment, you do. The pace of your writing determines the pace of the scene, and the pace of your writing is determined by the number of words and the amount of detail you pour into every passing moment.

And again, I'd love to know more bout the FEELING of your world, through Colonel's eyes. If he is cold and calculating, point out the cold, calculating details. Tell us how a thing is shaped so that it will be more effective, or why a certain choice was made. Tell about the way he thinks through the details he notices.

This will also give your writing a stronger VOICE, which is a super important factor for really distinguished writing, in my opinion. For example, Sinestro sees the world through the color spectrums from the green Lantern comics, and associates the actions and personalities of other people through the emotional spectrum that he knows. So I write about that. I point out colors and emotions, because that's how he relates to the world. For the bandit, I point out the things that stand out to her, like how clean or dirty an object is. And with each of them, I try to structure my sentences differently, use different tones of words to exemplify the "flavor" of the world through their eyes.

Your pacing, aside all of that, is really good. I like how you allow us to see his thoughts and how he's thinking about the world he came from, which is starkly absent from a lot of folk's writing. By relating things back to the world he knows, you give the reader context for your character's world views and expectations. That's an awesome thing, so keep it up.

I didn't get a chance to read anything other than the Colonel, but in a SUPER cursory glance at it, it seems like you formatted your writing to more fit the character, which is awesome, because it, again, gives us context and voice.

Other than the big things, keep an eye on your word repetition. Quickly scan over your paragraphs and make sure you didn't use the same word unnecessarily twice. This can be helped with more editing and by using a greater catalog of words and more specific verbiage for the scene. I yo read back through your first paragraph posted, I think you'll see what I'm talkin' 'bout.

I think that you;re doing great, man! There's even improvement from your first post to your last post, so I think it's more about getting into the groove at this point. Keep on writing, and I'm excited to see more from you!

First off, I might have choked a little at a comparison to Protoman. I take that as a high compliment, indeed. And nextly, I just want to say thanks again for the advice and the particular things you pointed out. It's a good thing to finally have some solid info on what I should look into working on and trying to improve, after all this time.

I've been aware of the fact I need to work on description as it relates to more than just the blunt, physical aspect of things, as it's something that I don't spend much time thinking about, and certainly not as much as I should. It is funny you bring up the difference between faster-paced, combat scenes and slower ones like the one presented in the Nexus there, as my style of writing has been heavily flavored and, in a way, 'biased' a little toward that faster-paced style thanks in part to the company I've kept in my writing years. Breaking out of familiar writing territory has been tough, I guess.

Word repetition, too, is...well, yeah, that's something I've struggled with from day one. I'd like to think I have an expansive enough vocabulary that I don't repeat words to the verge of tedium/boredom, or even in rapid repetition over short periods, but sometimes it just...slips in there. A bit of proofreading and more careful attention while typing might help out with that particular bit. Or maybe it's just the way my thoughts run from brain to keyboard.

All in all, though, I will take what has been pointed out here and work on it for the future, and thanks again for the feedback!

[Zack Fair]

So, this has been something I've had on my mind for awhile. Been wanting to use some secondaries as just run of the mill Stormtroopers, with their daily lives. Some days will be exciting, others dull, but every post would be just a snapshot in the life of some or all of them. I wasn't planning on doing anything with this until after the secondary saga, but all this activity with the Empire as got me wanting to get started. I've been sitting on this intro post for awhile and tweaking it occasionally. Still not quite happy with it, so I thought I'd get some feedback here.

Just a heads up, it's around 2100 words, so no rush at all. Just wondering about...well, all of it. Thanks to anyone that takes the time to check it out.

[spoiler]The artificial sun shone brightly on the city, as cars traveled both by land and by the air highway. It was a typical day in Tier Two of Coruscant. High above the surface, the lanes of hovercars sped along, with all of the flying vehicles following each other in the multiple lanes that weaved through the tall buildings of this tier. It was in the air, off to the side of one of these lanes, that an Imperial patrol craft sat.

The craft itself was a simple vessel, measuring about twenty feet long with a tall center console right in the middle of it. The controls sat to the left side of the console, and there was a tall bench right behind them, with enough room to seat two comfortably, but also enough space between the console and bench that the occupants could comfortably stand. Behind the bench itself were three cabinets, capable of storing plenty of supplies.

The occupants, themselves, were two ordinary Stormtroopers for all intents and purposes. They both sat there in full armor, though since they were hovering and taking a break, their helmets were off. The pilot of the craft was a man in his late twenties, with short black hair. Knox sat with his left leg propped against one of the support braces for their center console, casually watching the flying cars zip past. Immediately beside him on the bench was Grace, a girl in her early twenties. Her red hair was tied up in a bun, allowing her to easily slide her helmet back on if she needed to. She sat in a much less casual position, but watched the cars just the same.

Grace was, however, fidgeting uncomfortably. She was still very new to this job, having only been an official Stormtrooper for a very short time. As a new arrival to the Omniverse, and having emerged in Coruscant to some unknown Prime, she had immediately looked for a job that would suit her skills. Having found nothing like that, she settled for the work of a common Stormtrooper. So here she was, with one of her newest teammates on her small squad of five, learning the ropes of typical patrol duty.

"You alright?" Knox asked, looking over to the red haired woman.

"This armor is somehow both the tightest thing I've ever worn and also the most bulky," Grace answered, trying to adjust both the white armor as well as the body hugging black suit underneath it.

"You'll get used to it," Knox said with a laugh as he looked back out at the sky traffic, and continued to make some small talk with his newest teammate. "So what's your home like? Any crazy demi-gods or whatever?"

"No, it's pretty boring where I come from," Grace responded, finally giving up on getting comfortable in this infernal thing. "Normal people doing normal jobs. No flying cars or superpowered freaks. Just good old planet Earth."

Knox continued to chuckle at that description. "I've heard more than one person talk about that type of place, or at least somewhere similar. This must really be a culture shock."

"You can say that again," Grace giggled, now propping her foot up on the opposite support beam. "All of this was just crazy movie things where I'm from." She shook her head in disbelief for the hundredth time as she said it, but then looked back to Knox. "What about you? What's your home like?"

"Mine's a little more exciting," Knox explained. "Humanity is space-faring where I come from. There's even a Coruscant and Palpatine, himself, is probably from that world, or some variation of it. Definitely not from my time period, though, because I never heard of him before I got here."

Grace smiled as she listened, but didn't know what else to say. After a bit of silence, she decided to ask about the other squad members. She'd only briefly met them, and this was her first actual day in the field. It wouldn't hurt to get perspective from someone who'd been around longer.

"So, there's three other guys we'll work with regularly?" Grace broke the silence with her question, noting Knox's facial expression when she asked. He had clearly been expecting such a question at some point.

"Yea, we've got a pretty solid bunch, for the most part," Knox said, thinking about where to start. "I know you met our squad leader, Avin. He's a stand up guy, a real leader."

Grace had probably dealt with Avin the most, since he was her supervisor. The man was in his mid forties, yet already had gray hair. He had been kind and caring, and she felt like he was one of the few Imperials not trying to jerk her around. He was somewhat pale, and didn't have much of a tan unlike herself or Knox. It was obvious that when he was done being a Stormtrooper he went home to his family and stayed with them until it was time to come back out.

"Cade, he's a good guy, too," Knox continued. "Strong son of a bitch. I wouldn't cross him in a fight for anything."

Grace nodded, she'd also met him. Cade was about the same height as Avin and Knox, yet he was completely ripped. The black skinned man kept his head shaved bald, and was in his early thirties. He was like Knox, light-hearted and always joking. Watching the two of them argue with each other had been fairly amusing, and she might have enjoyed it more if she hadn't been so wrapped up in figuring out her new reality.

"...And that last one...well, you'll just have to meet him," Knox finished his explanation, laughing a bit as he did and shaking his head.

Grace sighed. She didn't like that description of the one squadmate she had yet to meet. She knew that Avin and Cade were in a similar patrol vehicle a short distance from them, but didn't know where in the world their fifth member was. She was pretty sure she heard him sign on the radio that morning.

"Unit Five Eight Zero, Control," a voice called from their radio, immediately ending Grace's train of thought.

"Go ahead, Control," Avin's voice called back through it, while Knox and Grace looked at the radio.

"We have a report of a stolen hovercar," the dispatcher called in through the radio. "Blue two seater, Incom brand. Awaiting further details. It should be in your unit's area."

"Ten-Four on that," Avin replied through the radio. "Five Eight Two, you hear that?"

Knox reached out and grabbed his mic upon hearing his own call number, and clicked it on. "I copy direct, Eight Zero. We're on..."

Suddenly a flying car whipped past the two of them, catching their attention immediately. Grace let out a scream as it blew past, not expecting that at all. Knox watched as it sped on, but then remembered he was still transmitting.

"...On it. He just passed me, Avin," Knox reported, then tossed the transmitter on the console as he stood up and fired up their hovercraft. Grace was on her feet in an instant as well, though she could do little other than simply hold on.

"Copy that, on our way!" their sergeant replied through the radio.

Grace gulped as Knox turned a few dials, then put his helmet on. Grace grabbed hers and put it on just as quickly, having forgotten briefly that she needed to be wearing it when conducting official business.

"Welcome to the Omniverse!" Knox shouted, though Grace couldn't quite tell if he was being facetious or not.

It didn't matter, because he pushed the throttle forward and they were in pursuit. The craft lurched forward roughly, but Knox tightly gripped the wheel as they flew through the air, having the benefit of being able to ignore the assigned traffic lanes. Grace glanced to the side to see a second craft coming around the corner. Avin was piloting his own patrol vehicle, while Cade stood beside him and held onto one of the poles with one hand. Grace couldn't help but notice that he looked much more composed as a passenger than she did. Luckily, they were all hidden by the anonymity of their white armor.

Once they began catching up with the stolen vehicle, Avin cut his speeder out to the right while Knox banked theirs to the left. Grace thought her heart was going to bounce out of her chest when she watched the thief pilot his ill-gotten car to the left, and realized they were just about to cut him off. She held onto the craft tighter than she thought was possible when Knox cut the craft and came right at the other one head-on.

Knox pulled the throttle all the way back, and the front end rocked upwards as their patrol skiff came to a quick hover. The thief was clearly caught off guard by this, and turned to the right and tried to take off again. Avin had maneuvered his own craft over to them, though, and was right on the vehicle's tail, by then.

Grace felt downright nauseous at that point. Last month she had been on a sunny beach in Florida, enjoying a vacation. Now she was being thrown around a flying death machine, when the worst she'd ever done before was a commercial air flight. She kept both hands on the support beam of the center console, wondering how Cade was fairing so well on the other craft. She watched as Knox turned the wheel and they took off once again at full speed.

"He's heading for that balcony!" Avin called in through the radio, and Grace and Knox could both see the vehicle moving somewhat slower as it approached a large stone balcony on a high rise. They were easily seventy stories high at this point.

"Five Eight Zero, be advised reinforcements are coming to your location," Control reported through the radio.

"Get ready to bail out!" Knox shouted, and Grace looked at him in disbelief through her helmet. He couldn't be serious.

She then looked ahead to see the thief had given up on the stolen vehicle already, and had roughly set it down on the balcony. People were lounging about the pool that took up the center of the platform, while others swam and played. At least, they had been before the vehicle parked in the middle of their nice day. They screamed and shouted in surprise as the man leapt from the craft and sprinted up the stairs and towards the door to the building.

Grace glanced to the side to see Cade at the front of Avin's skiff. There was nowhere to park, so he leaped from it and landed on the balcony with a roll.

"Go, go!!" Knox shouted at her.

Grace gulped, making grabbing her gun and running to the front of the vessel. She gulped and looked down. It looked like a ten to twelve foot drop, and they were well over the edge of the balcony, but just knowing they were flying so high above ground made her stomach twist. It took every bit of energy she had, but she jumped from the vehicle as well, landing with a hard stumble.

Avin and Knox quickly piloted the patrol vessels around the building, looking for a suitable landing place. Cade, meanwhile, broke into a full sprint after the suspect and Grace had no choice but to run as fast as she could after him. She noted, in relief, the fast approaching vehicles of all types that were adorned with Imperial markings, so she knew help was almost there.

People screamed and shouted as she ran through the crowd. She felt for them, she really did. It wasn't long ago, at all, that she would have been a screaming bystander to something like this. She ignored that thought and continued to run, keeping Cade in sight. She had tunnel vision at this point, only really seeing Cade and the fleeing thief. The would-be carjacker stopped at the metal door to the building and tried to open it, but couldn't get it to budge. He only had a few seconds to try, because the next thing he knew Cade slammed into him at his full sprint, tackling him into the door and bouncing off of it to the ground. Grace arrived just a few seconds after him, but by then he had already put a pair of handcuffs on the stunned and dazed thief.

"We got him!" Cade shouted into his helmet-mounted radio, then looked at Grace as he stood up and pulled the criminal to his feet. "Nice jump, rook. You'll do alright here."

Grace let out a deep breath as Stormtroopers flooded the area. She could only assume Avin and Knox were among them. Some of them broke off to deal with the oddly parked vehicle, while others helped to haul the man off. As the Imperial presence worked on containing the scene, Grace could only watch in awe.

What the hell had she gotten herself into?[/spoiler]

[Thaal Sinestro]

So, this has been something I've had on my mind for awhile. Been wanting to use some secondaries as just run of the mill Stormtroopers, with their daily lives. Some days will be exciting, others dull, but every post would be just a snapshot in the life of some or all of them. I wasn't planning on doing anything with this until after the secondary saga, but all this activity with the Empire as got me wanting to get started. I've been sitting on this intro post for awhile and tweaking it occasionally. Still not quite happy with it, so I thought I'd get some feedback here.

Just a heads up, it's around 2100 words, so no rush at all. Just wondering about...well, all of it. Thanks to anyone that takes the time to check it out.

[spoiler]The artificial sun shone brightly on the city, as cars traveled both by land and by the air highway. It was a typical day in Tier Two of Coruscant. High above the surface, the lanes of hovercars sped along, with all of the flying vehicles following each other in the multiple lanes that weaved through the tall buildings of this tier. It was in the air, off to the side of one of these lanes, that an Imperial patrol craft sat.

The craft itself was a simple vessel, measuring about twenty feet long with a tall center console right in the middle of it. The controls sat to the left side of the console, and there was a tall bench right behind them, with enough room to seat two comfortably, but also enough space between the console and bench that the occupants could comfortably stand. Behind the bench itself were three cabinets, capable of storing plenty of supplies.

The occupants, themselves, were two ordinary Stormtroopers for all intents and purposes. They both sat there in full armor, though since they were hovering and taking a break, their helmets were off. The pilot of the craft was a man in his late twenties, with short black hair. Knox sat with his left leg propped against one of the support braces for their center console, casually watching the flying cars zip past. Immediately beside him on the bench was Grace, a girl in her early twenties. Her red hair was tied up in a bun, allowing her to easily slide her helmet back on if she needed to. She sat in a much less casual position, but watched the cars just the same.

Grace was, however, fidgeting uncomfortably. She was still very new to this job, having only been an official Stormtrooper for a very short time. As a new arrival to the Omniverse, and having emerged in Coruscant to some unknown Prime, she had immediately looked for a job that would suit her skills. Having found nothing like that, she settled for the work of a common Stormtrooper. So here she was, with one of her newest teammates on her small squad of five, learning the ropes of typical patrol duty.

"You alright?" Knox asked, looking over to the red haired woman.

"This armor is somehow both the tightest thing I've ever worn and also the most bulky," Grace answered, trying to adjust both the white armor as well as the body hugging black suit underneath it.

"You'll get used to it," Knox said with a laugh as he looked back out at the sky traffic, and continued to make some small talk with his newest teammate. "So what's your home like? Any crazy demi-gods or whatever?"

"No, it's pretty boring where I come from," Grace responded, finally giving up on getting comfortable in this infernal thing. "Normal people doing normal jobs. No flying cars or superpowered freaks. Just good old planet Earth."

Knox continued to chuckle at that description. "I've heard more than one person talk about that type of place, or at least somewhere similar. This must really be a culture shock."

"You can say that again," Grace giggled, now propping her foot up on the opposite support beam. "All of this was just crazy movie things where I'm from." She shook her head in disbelief for the hundredth time as she said it, but then looked back to Knox. "What about you? What's your home like?"

"Mine's a little more exciting," Knox explained. "Humanity is space-faring where I come from. There's even a Coruscant and Palpatine, himself, is probably from that world, or some variation of it. Definitely not from my time period, though, because I never heard of him before I got here."

Grace smiled as she listened, but didn't know what else to say. After a bit of silence, she decided to ask about the other squad members. She'd only briefly met them, and this was her first actual day in the field. It wouldn't hurt to get perspective from someone who'd been around longer.

"So, there's three other guys we'll work with regularly?" Grace broke the silence with her question, noting Knox's facial expression when she asked. He had clearly been expecting such a question at some point.

"Yea, we've got a pretty solid bunch, for the most part," Knox said, thinking about where to start. "I know you met our squad leader, Avin. He's a stand up guy, a real leader."

Grace had probably dealt with Avin the most, since he was her supervisor. The man was in his mid forties, yet already had gray hair. He had been kind and caring, and she felt like he was one of the few Imperials not trying to jerk her around. He was somewhat pale, and didn't have much of a tan unlike herself or Knox. It was obvious that when he was done being a Stormtrooper he went home to his family and stayed with them until it was time to come back out.

"Cade, he's a good guy, too," Knox continued. "Strong son of a bitch. I wouldn't cross him in a fight for anything."

Grace nodded, she'd also met him. Cade was about the same height as Avin and Knox, yet he was completely ripped. The black skinned man kept his head shaved bald, and was in his early thirties. He was like Knox, light-hearted and always joking. Watching the two of them argue with each other had been fairly amusing, and she might have enjoyed it more if she hadn't been so wrapped up in figuring out her new reality.

"...And that last one...well, you'll just have to meet him," Knox finished his explanation, laughing a bit as he did and shaking his head.

Grace sighed. She didn't like that description of the one squadmate she had yet to meet. She knew that Avin and Cade were in a similar patrol vehicle a short distance from them, but didn't know where in the world their fifth member was. She was pretty sure she heard him sign on the radio that morning.

"Unit Five Eight Zero, Control," a voice called from their radio, immediately ending Grace's train of thought.

"Go ahead, Control," Avin's voice called back through it, while Knox and Grace looked at the radio.

"We have a report of a stolen hovercar," the dispatcher called in through the radio. "Blue two seater, Incom brand. Awaiting further details. It should be in your unit's area."

"Ten-Four on that," Avin replied through the radio. "Five Eight Two, you hear that?"

Knox reached out and grabbed his mic upon hearing his own call number, and clicked it on. "I copy direct, Eight Zero. We're on..."

Suddenly a flying car whipped past the two of them, catching their attention immediately. Grace let out a scream as it blew past, not expecting that at all. Knox watched as it sped on, but then remembered he was still transmitting.

"...On it. He just passed me, Avin," Knox reported, then tossed the transmitter on the console as he stood up and fired up their hovercraft. Grace was on her feet in an instant as well, though she could do little other than simply hold on.

"Copy that, on our way!" their sergeant replied through the radio.

Grace gulped as Knox turned a few dials, then put his helmet on. Grace grabbed hers and put it on just as quickly, having forgotten briefly that she needed to be wearing it when conducting official business.

"Welcome to the Omniverse!" Knox shouted, though Grace couldn't quite tell if he was being facetious or not.

It didn't matter, because he pushed the throttle forward and they were in pursuit. The craft lurched forward roughly, but Knox tightly gripped the wheel as they flew through the air, having the benefit of being able to ignore the assigned traffic lanes. Grace glanced to the side to see a second craft coming around the corner. Avin was piloting his own patrol vehicle, while Cade stood beside him and held onto one of the poles with one hand. Grace couldn't help but notice that he looked much more composed as a passenger than she did. Luckily, they were all hidden by the anonymity of their white armor.

Once they began catching up with the stolen vehicle, Avin cut his speeder out to the right while Knox banked theirs to the left. Grace thought her heart was going to bounce out of her chest when she watched the thief pilot his ill-gotten car to the left, and realized they were just about to cut him off. She held onto the craft tighter than she thought was possible when Knox cut the craft and came right at the other one head-on.

Knox pulled the throttle all the way back, and the front end rocked upwards as their patrol skiff came to a quick hover. The thief was clearly caught off guard by this, and turned to the right and tried to take off again. Avin had maneuvered his own craft over to them, though, and was right on the vehicle's tail, by then.

Grace felt downright nauseous at that point. Last month she had been on a sunny beach in Florida, enjoying a vacation. Now she was being thrown around a flying death machine, when the worst she'd ever done before was a commercial air flight. She kept both hands on the support beam of the center console, wondering how Cade was fairing so well on the other craft. She watched as Knox turned the wheel and they took off once again at full speed.

"He's heading for that balcony!" Avin called in through the radio, and Grace and Knox could both see the vehicle moving somewhat slower as it approached a large stone balcony on a high rise. They were easily seventy stories high at this point.

"Five Eight Zero, be advised reinforcements are coming to your location," Control reported through the radio.

"Get ready to bail out!" Knox shouted, and Grace looked at him in disbelief through her helmet. He couldn't be serious.

She then looked ahead to see the thief had given up on the stolen vehicle already, and had roughly set it down on the balcony. People were lounging about the pool that took up the center of the platform, while others swam and played. At least, they had been before the vehicle parked in the middle of their nice day. They screamed and shouted in surprise as the man leapt from the craft and sprinted up the stairs and towards the door to the building.

Grace glanced to the side to see Cade at the front of Avin's skiff. There was nowhere to park, so he leaped from it and landed on the balcony with a roll.

"Go, go!!" Knox shouted at her.

Grace gulped, making grabbing her gun and running to the front of the vessel. She gulped and looked down. It looked like a ten to twelve foot drop, and they were well over the edge of the balcony, but just knowing they were flying so high above ground made her stomach twist. It took every bit of energy she had, but she jumped from the vehicle as well, landing with a hard stumble.

Avin and Knox quickly piloted the patrol vessels around the building, looking for a suitable landing place. Cade, meanwhile, broke into a full sprint after the suspect and Grace had no choice but to run as fast as she could after him. She noted, in relief, the fast approaching vehicles of all types that were adorned with Imperial markings, so she knew help was almost there.

People screamed and shouted as she ran through the crowd. She felt for them, she really did. It wasn't long ago, at all, that she would have been a screaming bystander to something like this. She ignored that thought and continued to run, keeping Cade in sight. She had tunnel vision at this point, only really seeing Cade and the fleeing thief. The would-be carjacker stopped at the metal door to the building and tried to open it, but couldn't get it to budge. He only had a few seconds to try, because the next thing he knew Cade slammed into him at his full sprint, tackling him into the door and bouncing off of it to the ground. Grace arrived just a few seconds after him, but by then he had already put a pair of handcuffs on the stunned and dazed thief.

"We got him!" Cade shouted into his helmet-mounted radio, then looked at Grace as he stood up and pulled the criminal to his feet. "Nice jump, rook. You'll do alright here."

Grace let out a deep breath as Stormtroopers flooded the area. She could only assume Avin and Knox were among them. Some of them broke off to deal with the oddly parked vehicle, while others helped to haul the man off. As the Imperial presence worked on containing the scene, Grace could only watch in awe.

What the hell had she gotten herself into?[/spoiler]

Yo I got a bunch of writing I gotta do, but as soon as Im done with that I'll hook you up

[Zack Fair]

Thanks man. I'm out of town for the next two days, so take your time!

[Tartaros]

I just remembered this thread. Been a bit lacking in faith when it comes to my more recent stuff, so if someone'd like to look over my posts in this thread or this one and give some feedback, it would be much appreciated.

[Gildarts]

I just remembered this thread. Been a bit lacking in faith when it comes to my more recent stuff, so if someone'd like to look over my posts in this thread or this one and give some feedback, it would be much appreciated.

I'd love to offer you some feedback! Wednesday is my day off, so I'll read and have it up by the evening!

[Makoto Yuki]

I did not know that this thread existed. I'd have posted here earlier if I had known. ._.

Anyway, I don't keep it a secret that I'm new to both writing in general, and PbP rpgs in particular. Thus, I'd be extremely thankful for any help given, maybe throw a pointer or two my way if you're so inclined?

I certainly wouldn't complain if someone were to review what little is posted in this thread so far.