Read It Back

[Kylo Ren]

Before I post it I want an opinnion on this. Basically it is a set up for me and Neal's char Kopa(Iforgethowtospellitsorry!) to do some Empire stuff. Basically last I left Casey he was arrested.

This is just the moving from Nexus to Coruscant thing.

[spoiler]

Casey had plenty of time to think while he sat there waiting. He hadn't been in this world more then an hour, if that, and he was already falling back on old ways. Attack before thinking, at the slightest provocation, or if you think they were going to start something.

Great job bone head, what would April think about how you are acting?

Casey pushed the thought aside as there was movement from the gate. A few more of the white armoured troopers came through and were having a chat with the others that had beaten the crap out of him. He wasn't sure what they were talking about but he caught words such as 'Prime', “new', and something about “nexus, not Croissant.” At least he thought it was croissant. He had no idea what flaky pastries had to do with any of this though, but he was pretty sure he would find out.

The two new guys came and one of them dragged him to his feet while the other collected his stuff together. They started to push him toward the gate so it was now that Casey felt that it was best to speak up.

“Hey, where are we going?” His answer was a boot place firmly on his back to shove him through the gate rather roughly.

[/spoiler]


The following is the post to introduce Casey to more about the Omniverse and some of the basic stuff. I figure the guy would try the whole join us sales pitch on Casey cause he is new and rather naive about everything. Also I am not sure on this one, can I just post it and say "Yep! He is doing the thing!" or do I need some sort of permission from someone in the Empire before I do this? Anyway... yeah. It took me two days to write this >.<

[spoiler]

Casey really didn't get to do much sight seeing as he was forced through the gate and into this strange new city. Where ever this was it sure as hell wasn't New York, too clean. Plus there were a lot of these trooper guys everywhere. The only time you saw a cop in NYC was when you passed a coffee shop, or where trying to do their job for them. The last one they kind of didn't like that much.

It was pretty but that was the only opinion he could form before he was shuffled off at a march into what he could only guess was some sort of car and then driven to god only knows where. They were probably moving for at least 15 minutes before the car set down again and he was forced out and into a building. He was brought into an elevator, guard on each side, and then shuffled out again a few minutes later and brought into a room.

The first thing Casey noticed about the room was that it was pretty plain. It seemed to have no windows and a only a table with two chairs in the centre. The chair that caught Casey's eye was the one that was welded to the floor apparently, and he only really noticed it because of the arm and leg restraints.

This was not going to be fun.

As expected this chair was meant for Casey. They sat him in it and secured the leg clamps before removing the cuffs and restraining his arms. Well one of them did while the other stood guard with a gun pointed straight at Casey.

Whoever these guys were, they were freaking smart.

After he was secured in his chair they just left, the door sliding closed behind them. Casey was still surprised by that, all these doors sliding without door handles, things floating and what not. It hadn't really sunk in on the ride over but now that he was sitting here with no place to go he started to notice just how weird everything here really was.

He quickly pushed all these thoughts aside as the door slid open again and a man wearing all black with blue and red squares on his chest walked in holding something Casey just assumed was for taking notes.

”Name?” Wow, this guy was really talkitive!

“Casey. Casey Jones.” The man worked the device he was holding and then looked up at Casey.

”Do you know why you are here Mister Jones?” At least the questions weren't tough ones.

“Because I was kidnapped from my family by some creepy grinning freakazoid and transported to a vast white nothingness where I was acting like an idiot and got my ass handed to me by two clowns in white and black costumes?”

The man in the uniform just stared at Casey for a bit then shook his head.

“Assaulting a civilian, Assaulting an Imperial trooper, resisting arrest, I could even throw on Disturbing the peace and various other chargers if I wanted to. We take these things very seriously on Coruscant.” Casey thought about this for a moment and then realized something.


“Wait, didn't this all happen in the white place and not here? Also that punk was a damn thief! He had it comin' anyway! He will think twice before robbing someone else!” The man in the black uniform actually laughed at this.

”Technicalities. The fact remains what you did was a direct attack against the people of the Empire, so therefor an attack on the Empire itself. Do you know what this means Mister Jones?” The look he was getting let Casey know he was supposed to answer at this point.

“What? The death penalty? A good talking to?” Apparently the guy didn't find Casey that funny because he pulled a pistol from his side and marched over and pressed it tight against Caseys' forehead.

”IF I kill you do you know what happens Jones? Nothing. Oh, you will die that is for sure but later on you will come back. You are lucky enough to be a Prime.” The man sighed and put the weapon back in his holster before he kept talking. ”Not everyone is that lucky.”

After taking a few steps back the man gave Casey a hard stare, one that made him a bit uncomfortable, before his interrogators features seemed to soften a bit.

”Can I trust you as a man of honour Mister Jones? If I release you from your bonds?” Casey gave the man a hard glare before nodding his head curtly. Starting a fight here and now was not going to get him anywhere. The man walked over and released the leg clamps and then the arm ones.

Casey rubbed his wrists then stood up and stretched, slowly as to not make any sudden movements.

“What now boss?” The man motioned for Casey to follow him over to a wall behind them and then touched something next to a large square in the wall that slid away to reveal a window.

”Look down there. What do you see?” Casey walked forward and peered out the window.

“Other then everything looking weird as shit, people. A lot of people.” Then man next to him nodded and then closed the window cover again.

”Most of those people do not have the ability to come back from the dead as you do, some of course but not all of them....” The man let his voice trail off for Casey to fill in the dots.

“So, when they die then they” Casey paused and then realized what this meant. “They stay dead.”

Casey always knew this was an option, hell back home if you died you stayed dead. Lots of people he loved had died! But here? Here it was a joke. They could die but he would keep coming back. He didn't like this, and now he liked this Omni freak even less. This was the cruelest joke of all.

”That's right Casey, they would die and that would be all.” Casey noticed the man was no longer calling him Jones, or Mister Jones. Here was the part where he asked him for something. ”As a Prime though, you could help them.Help protect them!”

So they wanted him to help, but how exactly?

“So what, I'd be a cop or something?” Casey thought about this for a bit. “I mean, I love busting in the skulls of scum bags.”

”Just think about it Casey, help us! We are powerful here and we might be able to help you even.” The man gave Casey a look that sort of reminded him of someone trying out a sales pitch. ”Maybe even help you get back to your family?”

Ouch, he really knew where to hit a man.

“What do you need me to do?” The man smiled at Casey and held up a hand that motioned for him to wait.

”Stay here,” he told Casey, “I will be back very shortly!”

[/spoiler]

[Thaal Sinestro]

So, this has been something I've had on my mind for awhile. Been wanting to use some secondaries as just run of the mill Stormtroopers, with their daily lives. Some days will be exciting, others dull, but every post would be just a snapshot in the life of some or all of them. I wasn't planning on doing anything with this until after the secondary saga, but all this activity with the Empire as got me wanting to get started. I've been sitting on this intro post for awhile and tweaking it occasionally. Still not quite happy with it, so I thought I'd get some feedback here.

Just a heads up, it's around 2100 words, so no rush at all. Just wondering about...well, all of it. Thanks to anyone that takes the time to check it out.

[spoiler]The artificial sun shone brightly on the city, as cars traveled both by land and by the air highway. It was a typical day in Tier Two of Coruscant. High above the surface, the lanes of hovercars sped along, with all of the flying vehicles following each other in the multiple lanes that weaved through the tall buildings of this tier. It was in the air, off to the side of one of these lanes, that an Imperial patrol craft sat.

The craft itself was a simple vessel, measuring about twenty feet long with a tall center console right in the middle of it. The controls sat to the left side of the console, and there was a tall bench right behind them, with enough room to seat two comfortably, but also enough space between the console and bench that the occupants could comfortably stand. Behind the bench itself were three cabinets, capable of storing plenty of supplies.

The occupants, themselves, were two ordinary Stormtroopers for all intents and purposes. They both sat there in full armor, though since they were hovering and taking a break, their helmets were off. The pilot of the craft was a man in his late twenties, with short black hair. Knox sat with his left leg propped against one of the support braces for their center console, casually watching the flying cars zip past. Immediately beside him on the bench was Grace, a girl in her early twenties. Her red hair was tied up in a bun, allowing her to easily slide her helmet back on if she needed to. She sat in a much less casual position, but watched the cars just the same.

Grace was, however, fidgeting uncomfortably. She was still very new to this job, having only been an official Stormtrooper for a very short time. As a new arrival to the Omniverse, and having emerged in Coruscant to some unknown Prime, she had immediately looked for a job that would suit her skills. Having found nothing like that, she settled for the work of a common Stormtrooper. So here she was, with one of her newest teammates on her small squad of five, learning the ropes of typical patrol duty.

"You alright?" Knox asked, looking over to the red haired woman.

"This armor is somehow both the tightest thing I've ever worn and also the most bulky," Grace answered, trying to adjust both the white armor as well as the body hugging black suit underneath it.

"You'll get used to it," Knox said with a laugh as he looked back out at the sky traffic, and continued to make some small talk with his newest teammate. "So what's your home like? Any crazy demi-gods or whatever?"

"No, it's pretty boring where I come from," Grace responded, finally giving up on getting comfortable in this infernal thing. "Normal people doing normal jobs. No flying cars or superpowered freaks. Just good old planet Earth."

Knox continued to chuckle at that description. "I've heard more than one person talk about that type of place, or at least somewhere similar. This must really be a culture shock."

"You can say that again," Grace giggled, now propping her foot up on the opposite support beam. "All of this was just crazy movie things where I'm from." She shook her head in disbelief for the hundredth time as she said it, but then looked back to Knox. "What about you? What's your home like?"

"Mine's a little more exciting," Knox explained. "Humanity is space-faring where I come from. There's even a Coruscant and Palpatine, himself, is probably from that world, or some variation of it. Definitely not from my time period, though, because I never heard of him before I got here."

Grace smiled as she listened, but didn't know what else to say. After a bit of silence, she decided to ask about the other squad members. She'd only briefly met them, and this was her first actual day in the field. It wouldn't hurt to get perspective from someone who'd been around longer.

"So, there's three other guys we'll work with regularly?" Grace broke the silence with her question, noting Knox's facial expression when she asked. He had clearly been expecting such a question at some point.

"Yea, we've got a pretty solid bunch, for the most part," Knox said, thinking about where to start. "I know you met our squad leader, Avin. He's a stand up guy, a real leader."

Grace had probably dealt with Avin the most, since he was her supervisor. The man was in his mid forties, yet already had gray hair. He had been kind and caring, and she felt like he was one of the few Imperials not trying to jerk her around. He was somewhat pale, and didn't have much of a tan unlike herself or Knox. It was obvious that when he was done being a Stormtrooper he went home to his family and stayed with them until it was time to come back out.

"Cade, he's a good guy, too," Knox continued. "Strong son of a bitch. I wouldn't cross him in a fight for anything."

Grace nodded, she'd also met him. Cade was about the same height as Avin and Knox, yet he was completely ripped. The black skinned man kept his head shaved bald, and was in his early thirties. He was like Knox, light-hearted and always joking. Watching the two of them argue with each other had been fairly amusing, and she might have enjoyed it more if she hadn't been so wrapped up in figuring out her new reality.

"...And that last one...well, you'll just have to meet him," Knox finished his explanation, laughing a bit as he did and shaking his head.

Grace sighed. She didn't like that description of the one squadmate she had yet to meet. She knew that Avin and Cade were in a similar patrol vehicle a short distance from them, but didn't know where in the world their fifth member was. She was pretty sure she heard him sign on the radio that morning.

"Unit Five Eight Zero, Control," a voice called from their radio, immediately ending Grace's train of thought.

"Go ahead, Control," Avin's voice called back through it, while Knox and Grace looked at the radio.

"We have a report of a stolen hovercar," the dispatcher called in through the radio. "Blue two seater, Incom brand. Awaiting further details. It should be in your unit's area."

"Ten-Four on that," Avin replied through the radio. "Five Eight Two, you hear that?"

Knox reached out and grabbed his mic upon hearing his own call number, and clicked it on. "I copy direct, Eight Zero. We're on..."

Suddenly a flying car whipped past the two of them, catching their attention immediately. Grace let out a scream as it blew past, not expecting that at all. Knox watched as it sped on, but then remembered he was still transmitting.

"...On it. He just passed me, Avin," Knox reported, then tossed the transmitter on the console as he stood up and fired up their hovercraft. Grace was on her feet in an instant as well, though she could do little other than simply hold on.

"Copy that, on our way!" their sergeant replied through the radio.

Grace gulped as Knox turned a few dials, then put his helmet on. Grace grabbed hers and put it on just as quickly, having forgotten briefly that she needed to be wearing it when conducting official business.

"Welcome to the Omniverse!" Knox shouted, though Grace couldn't quite tell if he was being facetious or not.

It didn't matter, because he pushed the throttle forward and they were in pursuit. The craft lurched forward roughly, but Knox tightly gripped the wheel as they flew through the air, having the benefit of being able to ignore the assigned traffic lanes. Grace glanced to the side to see a second craft coming around the corner. Avin was piloting his own patrol vehicle, while Cade stood beside him and held onto one of the poles with one hand. Grace couldn't help but notice that he looked much more composed as a passenger than she did. Luckily, they were all hidden by the anonymity of their white armor.

Once they began catching up with the stolen vehicle, Avin cut his speeder out to the right while Knox banked theirs to the left. Grace thought her heart was going to bounce out of her chest when she watched the thief pilot his ill-gotten car to the left, and realized they were just about to cut him off. She held onto the craft tighter than she thought was possible when Knox cut the craft and came right at the other one head-on.

Knox pulled the throttle all the way back, and the front end rocked upwards as their patrol skiff came to a quick hover. The thief was clearly caught off guard by this, and turned to the right and tried to take off again. Avin had maneuvered his own craft over to them, though, and was right on the vehicle's tail, by then.

Grace felt downright nauseous at that point. Last month she had been on a sunny beach in Florida, enjoying a vacation. Now she was being thrown around a flying death machine, when the worst she'd ever done before was a commercial air flight. She kept both hands on the support beam of the center console, wondering how Cade was fairing so well on the other craft. She watched as Knox turned the wheel and they took off once again at full speed.

"He's heading for that balcony!" Avin called in through the radio, and Grace and Knox could both see the vehicle moving somewhat slower as it approached a large stone balcony on a high rise. They were easily seventy stories high at this point.

"Five Eight Zero, be advised reinforcements are coming to your location," Control reported through the radio.

"Get ready to bail out!" Knox shouted, and Grace looked at him in disbelief through her helmet. He couldn't be serious.

She then looked ahead to see the thief had given up on the stolen vehicle already, and had roughly set it down on the balcony. People were lounging about the pool that took up the center of the platform, while others swam and played. At least, they had been before the vehicle parked in the middle of their nice day. They screamed and shouted in surprise as the man leapt from the craft and sprinted up the stairs and towards the door to the building.

Grace glanced to the side to see Cade at the front of Avin's skiff. There was nowhere to park, so he leaped from it and landed on the balcony with a roll.

"Go, go!!" Knox shouted at her.

Grace gulped, making grabbing her gun and running to the front of the vessel. She gulped and looked down. It looked like a ten to twelve foot drop, and they were well over the edge of the balcony, but just knowing they were flying so high above ground made her stomach twist. It took every bit of energy she had, but she jumped from the vehicle as well, landing with a hard stumble.

Avin and Knox quickly piloted the patrol vessels around the building, looking for a suitable landing place. Cade, meanwhile, broke into a full sprint after the suspect and Grace had no choice but to run as fast as she could after him. She noted, in relief, the fast approaching vehicles of all types that were adorned with Imperial markings, so she knew help was almost there.

People screamed and shouted as she ran through the crowd. She felt for them, she really did. It wasn't long ago, at all, that she would have been a screaming bystander to something like this. She ignored that thought and continued to run, keeping Cade in sight. She had tunnel vision at this point, only really seeing Cade and the fleeing thief. The would-be carjacker stopped at the metal door to the building and tried to open it, but couldn't get it to budge. He only had a few seconds to try, because the next thing he knew Cade slammed into him at his full sprint, tackling him into the door and bouncing off of it to the ground. Grace arrived just a few seconds after him, but by then he had already put a pair of handcuffs on the stunned and dazed thief.

"We got him!" Cade shouted into his helmet-mounted radio, then looked at Grace as he stood up and pulled the criminal to his feet. "Nice jump, rook. You'll do alright here."

Grace let out a deep breath as Stormtroopers flooded the area. She could only assume Avin and Knox were among them. Some of them broke off to deal with the oddly parked vehicle, while others helped to haul the man off. As the Imperial presence worked on containing the scene, Grace could only watch in awe.

What the hell had she gotten herself into?[/spoiler]

Yooooo, man! Good stuff and a fun read. I'mma do this chronologically like I usually do, pointing out things as I see/think of them. OFF WE GOOOO:

I liked your introductory description. It was in depth enough that you get a clear image, but it's not purple prose. However, right off the bat: word repetition. Craft and craft, comfortably and comfortably, console and console, bench and bench, etc. You really gotta watch that in your writing or it'll really mess up the reader's flow, and it means that you're ignoring a great chance to use your thesaurus.

You're telling us a lot about the characters, but I feel like you can show us a little bit more. She fidgeted, she sat up straight, but use her words and her environment to inform the situation as opposed to outright using exposition.

Your dialogue is some good stuff! I freaking LOVE small talk scenes. The way you set up the world and draw some fun conclusions about the world, pointing out the daily life stuff. I love it. I LOVE IT. Also, it's really really good the way that you have the characters moving and LIVING while they're talking. You aren't just delivering dialogue, your showing a few people living their lives.

You had a clever way of introducing the other members of the squad too, it was interesting. You might have used some more dialogue about them, more of the characters telling us than the exposition.

The introduction of the action was good also! You led up to it naturally without it seeming forced or like I had to wait to see it. Most of the action was pretty clear, but I found myself re-reading it a few times. It's hard to describe complex 3D things, especially when there aren't a lot of previously existing references for it. I think that adding in more adjectives and explaining each movement a little bit more would clear things up a bit, but I feel like you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about it. It's gonna happen sometimes with action.

You're having her repeat actions, with the gulp and the gulp. Sometimes I do the same thing, but it's just something you gotta catch in editing.

It's a super fun little romp, a great look into the day of the life. Really good stuff, man. A few touches of editing and sprucing things up with adjectives and showing us a bit more of character action is good.

[Zack Fair]

Thaal, you're the man. Thanks for your time and pointers. I feel like a lot of those repetitions are from unfortunate over editing and not proofreading thoroughly afterwards, because once you pointed them out I looked back and couldn't believe I missed that stuff. All of it was mad helpful, dude. I'm still not wholly satisfied with the post, but you've got me steered in the right direction. Owe you one, thanks again!

[Thaal Sinestro]

Thaal, you're the man. Thanks for your time and pointers. I feel like a lot of those repetitions are from unfortunate over editing and not proofreading thoroughly afterwards, because once you pointed them out I looked back and couldn't believe I missed that stuff. All of it was mad helpful, dude. I'm still not wholly satisfied with the post, but you've got me steered in the right direction. Owe you one, thanks again!

Any time my friend

[Thaal Sinestro]

Before I post it I want an opinnion on this. Basically it is a set up for me and Neal's char Kopa(Iforgethowtospellitsorry!) to do some Empire stuff. Basically last I left Casey he was arrested.

This is just the moving from Nexus to Coruscant thing.

[spoiler]

Casey had plenty of time to think while he sat there waiting. He hadn't been in this world more then an hour, if that, and he was already falling back on old ways. Attack before thinking, at the slightest provocation, or if you think they were going to start something.

Great job bone head, what would April think about how you are acting?

Casey pushed the thought aside as there was movement from the gate. A few more of the white armoured troopers came through and were having a chat with the others that had beaten the crap out of him. He wasn't sure what they were talking about but he caught words such as 'Prime', “new', and something about “nexus, not Croissant.” At least he thought it was croissant. He had no idea what flaky pastries had to do with any of this though, but he was pretty sure he would find out.

The two new guys came and one of them dragged him to his feet while the other collected his stuff together. They started to push him toward the gate so it was now that Casey felt that it was best to speak up.

“Hey, where are we going?” His answer was a boot place firmly on his back to shove him through the gate rather roughly.

[/spoiler]


The following is the post to introduce Casey to more about the Omniverse and some of the basic stuff. I figure the guy would try the whole join us sales pitch on Casey cause he is new and rather naive about everything. Also I am not sure on this one, can I just post it and say "Yep! He is doing the thing!" or do I need some sort of permission from someone in the Empire before I do this? Anyway... yeah. It took me two days to write this >.<

[spoiler]

Casey really didn't get to do much sight seeing as he was forced through the gate and into this strange new city. Where ever this was it sure as hell wasn't New York, too clean. Plus there were a lot of these trooper guys everywhere. The only time you saw a cop in NYC was when you passed a coffee shop, or where trying to do their job for them. The last one they kind of didn't like that much.

It was pretty but that was the only opinion he could form before he was shuffled off at a march into what he could only guess was some sort of car and then driven to god only knows where. They were probably moving for at least 15 minutes before the car set down again and he was forced out and into a building. He was brought into an elevator, guard on each side, and then shuffled out again a few minutes later and brought into a room.

The first thing Casey noticed about the room was that it was pretty plain. It seemed to have no windows and a only a table with two chairs in the centre. The chair that caught Casey's eye was the one that was welded to the floor apparently, and he only really noticed it because of the arm and leg restraints.

This was not going to be fun.

As expected this chair was meant for Casey. They sat him in it and secured the leg clamps before removing the cuffs and restraining his arms. Well one of them did while the other stood guard with a gun pointed straight at Casey.

Whoever these guys were, they were freaking smart.

After he was secured in his chair they just left, the door sliding closed behind them. Casey was still surprised by that, all these doors sliding without door handles, things floating and what not. It hadn't really sunk in on the ride over but now that he was sitting here with no place to go he started to notice just how weird everything here really was.

He quickly pushed all these thoughts aside as the door slid open again and a man wearing all black with blue and red squares on his chest walked in holding something Casey just assumed was for taking notes.

”Name?” Wow, this guy was really talkitive!

“Casey. Casey Jones.” The man worked the device he was holding and then looked up at Casey.

”Do you know why you are here Mister Jones?” At least the questions weren't tough ones.

“Because I was kidnapped from my family by some creepy grinning freakazoid and transported to a vast white nothingness where I was acting like an idiot and got my ass handed to me by two clowns in white and black costumes?”

The man in the uniform just stared at Casey for a bit then shook his head.

“Assaulting a civilian, Assaulting an Imperial trooper, resisting arrest, I could even throw on Disturbing the peace and various other chargers if I wanted to. We take these things very seriously on Coruscant.” Casey thought about this for a moment and then realized something.


“Wait, didn't this all happen in the white place and not here? Also that punk was a damn thief! He had it comin' anyway! He will think twice before robbing someone else!” The man in the black uniform actually laughed at this.

”Technicalities. The fact remains what you did was a direct attack against the people of the Empire, so therefor an attack on the Empire itself. Do you know what this means Mister Jones?” The look he was getting let Casey know he was supposed to answer at this point.

“What? The death penalty? A good talking to?” Apparently the guy didn't find Casey that funny because he pulled a pistol from his side and marched over and pressed it tight against Caseys' forehead.

”IF I kill you do you know what happens Jones? Nothing. Oh, you will die that is for sure but later on you will come back. You are lucky enough to be a Prime.” The man sighed and put the weapon back in his holster before he kept talking. ”Not everyone is that lucky.”

After taking a few steps back the man gave Casey a hard stare, one that made him a bit uncomfortable, before his interrogators features seemed to soften a bit.

”Can I trust you as a man of honour Mister Jones? If I release you from your bonds?” Casey gave the man a hard glare before nodding his head curtly. Starting a fight here and now was not going to get him anywhere. The man walked over and released the leg clamps and then the arm ones.

Casey rubbed his wrists then stood up and stretched, slowly as to not make any sudden movements.

“What now boss?” The man motioned for Casey to follow him over to a wall behind them and then touched something next to a large square in the wall that slid away to reveal a window.

”Look down there. What do you see?” Casey walked forward and peered out the window.

“Other then everything looking weird as shit, people. A lot of people.” Then man next to him nodded and then closed the window cover again.

”Most of those people do not have the ability to come back from the dead as you do, some of course but not all of them....” The man let his voice trail off for Casey to fill in the dots.

“So, when they die then they” Casey paused and then realized what this meant. “They stay dead.”

Casey always knew this was an option, hell back home if you died you stayed dead. Lots of people he loved had died! But here? Here it was a joke. They could die but he would keep coming back. He didn't like this, and now he liked this Omni freak even less. This was the cruelest joke of all.

”That's right Casey, they would die and that would be all.” Casey noticed the man was no longer calling him Jones, or Mister Jones. Here was the part where he asked him for something. ”As a Prime though, you could help them.Help protect them!”

So they wanted him to help, but how exactly?

“So what, I'd be a cop or something?” Casey thought about this for a bit. “I mean, I love busting in the skulls of scum bags.”

”Just think about it Casey, help us! We are powerful here and we might be able to help you even.” The man gave Casey a look that sort of reminded him of someone trying out a sales pitch. ”Maybe even help you get back to your family?”

Ouch, he really knew where to hit a man.

“What do you need me to do?” The man smiled at Casey and held up a hand that motioned for him to wait.

”Stay here,” he told Casey, “I will be back very shortly!”

[/spoiler]

As always buddy, gonna go through it as I'm reading.

So far, great intro. You've got a great knack for giving your characters the voice that the original media did, and it really shows through. Good work.

That said, I have no idea what this sentence means: "The last one they kind of didn't like that much."

I would want more detail about the transit in the car, giving us more about what he sees, what he's thinking, what he's feeling. You've got some really good report with the reader, so it's a wasted opportunity any time you don't use it.

The more I read, the more I want more detail. Give us more imagery, give us the abstract details for the objects and people around him. Use adjectives to give us an emotional position for the character and for the scene. Telling us what specific aspects of things your character sees will inform the reader about the character. WHY are they seeing certain things? When frightened, he might notice the harsh, metallic chrome of the chair, the sharp angles of the shackles, etc etc. Make us feel like your character feels by letting us live through his sensations.

Now, that doesn't mean go on long exposition rants (which you really don't do, so that's good), because TELLING us how your character feels is different than describing the sights, sounds, smells, and sensations he is feeling and allowing us as the reader to infer his emotions.

Your dialogue is good, but mixing in some of the actions and movements of the speakers would really help enrich the writing, making it feel more alive.

Overall, I think it was a great intro to the world! It's been fun to read, and I hope you keep at it man. Casey is a great character, and your voice for him is on point. Jus work on the little details. think of the scnee like a movie. What details do YOU notice as the scene passes by?

[Gildarts]

I did not know that this thread existed. I'd have posted here earlier if I had known. ._.

Anyway, I don't keep it a secret that I'm new to both writing in general, and PbP rpgs in particular. Thus, I'd be extremely thankful for any help given, maybe throw a pointer or two my way if you're so inclined?

I certainly wouldn't complain if someone were to review what little is posted in this thread so far.

I would love to offer you some feed back, next time I get the chance, I will work on reading and reviewing!

[Gildarts]

Elfborne Extraction: Chose to focus on feedback majorly on your personal character and writing, but with a few comments of the others may be mixed in along the way.
[spoiler]Tart, Orkor, Galel Immediately as I read your introduction post I got a defined sense of style. It was pronounced well, through a good variation of words and dialogue, as well as some vocabulary used with ample finesse.

With that said, I wasn't sure (mainly because the post is a bit dated) where you and Galel currently were. Some helpful criticism that I have to remind myself of every so often, is that the audience can't know what is going on in your mind. You may be trying to write a scene about a beautiful beach, but the reader can't know you are at the beach just by the mention of sand (it could be a desert, an hourglass, or a sand factory). Sometimes it helps to visualize and isolate what has already been established, and take into account what has yet to be mentioned. Even if sometimes the surroundings do not seem all that important, it is something I personally look for for added substance. Axorn compensated for this a little bit, as he arrived from a the portal, and then later delved into a thoughtful description of coruscant.

One of the things Axorn did a good job of, was standing out -stylistically- from the others. When you write in a large group, it is more strategic to establish and define your character's strongest characteristics in the first 'beginning' posts. Axorn led in with action, but kept it short and sweet. It left me longing to know more about his character, and some of what would come later. This was done very well!

Tart on standing out- Your skillful use of descriptions helps set you apart from the rest, and also helps to glue the story together <3

A few others seem to be involved in the heist in tier 1! A cool development and one that tells the reader what to anticipate in the story to come. Sometimes it can seem like telling the reader who or what will be coming, can ruin the story. However it generally doesn't (In this case, it prepares the reader for an extra case of awesome) however, if you look at some other examples of this being used, such as: Dante's abyss - everyone knew it was a competition to the death, or a more recent example, the secondary saga, which centered around a ghost who gathered them. I implied heavily that the ghost was my personal NPC's sister, but what I enjoyed most was leaving it ambiguous until the the final 'twist' on this foreshadow. ANYWAY ENOUGH ABOUT ME- here's more.

To Triest, a helpful word of advice is to not use quotes to communicate unless they are essential to the story, because sometimes it can disrupt the flow of the story. If I remember correctly, you guys later added a discussion topic, which is what I highly promote too! If you must note something in the yellow, I also suggest just doing it at the end of the post, at the beginning, when the reader wants and expects to be set in the scene, it can be a bit jarring.

Eric, while I enjoy your use of descriptions, I'd like to offer you a small suggestion, that you separate your lines of dialogue into their own paragraphs. It aids the flow in writing and can better impact the reader when they sentences are spaced out. I enjoyed the conversation in one of your posts, and thought it helped lead into the topic. But I would have enjoyed it all the more with a little balanced pacing.

Tart's post: I really liked this one, as it flowed very well and the action in it, carried it very well. Another notable goodie is that your grammar is on point. IDK what spell check you are using, but I want it, and if it is your brain, so be it.

(lol, reviews dont have to be all serious)

Anyway, I do appreciate how very thorough you are with your syntax, dialogue, and other grammatical errors that could have been overlooked, but you are proving more detailed than I could imagine, and I personally appreciate your desire for perfection- or- at least your best.

Last part of this post: You ended on a ledge, leading into whoever was 'next' and I always give mental bonus points for things like that. When this happens, strangely enough, I always find it to be a strong finale moment. It always inclines my attention, and makes me more interested to read what is next.

Triest has a good thing going with his descriptions of the room, which helps bind the story together. I also like his writing style, it is edgy, frank, and very strong words are chosen when he writes.

Orkor- so far, I'm really impressed with your additions to this thread. If I was going to suggest anything at this stage, I would suggest what I want to mention to everyone, don't forget to bring a little attention to your character! A reader wants to be reminded of who she (me)is looking at, whose eyes she is looking through as the scape of the story is told. I'll admit, sometimes reaffirming what your character looks like when it is right there on the top left hand corner of your post can seem UNDENIABLY monotonous, however, it brings the audience a tad closer to your character, and the extra description can take place of pronouns sometimes, adding variability into your post and writing.

Example: Gildarts punched Ganondorf in the face.

The auburn haired male punched Ganondorf in the face.

Just a few words change the visualization process a lot, as well as establish ample imagery to the reader. This helps too, because this thread has quite a few space marines, and imagery could help set you guys individually apart, and also just add some color to your ruthless epicness.

NOW FOR THE FIGHTING

Now, I already knew the outcome when I began reading, however, I will say with a thread this large, it can never hurt to restate some things that seem obvious to you guys, but may not be so well apparent to the reader. Having a good relationship with the audience through just words can mean a lot, and it doesn't take a lot of effort to incorporate it in a post.

-i just did it there, if you didn't notice *wink* but, to reiterate, I wanted to know who was on whose side-

Example: Sam strained herself to think of an example.

The second example adds purpose at the end, which tells the reader what THEY should take from it.

Sam thought for a moment, perusing the endless scrolls of her mind, before finally thinking of an example that would be sufficient in helping find an example to help aid the space marines in their mission of conquest.

(Now, I'll admit the second example is wordy, but its like midnight here and I don't think any amount of editing will fix the sort of things that fatigue takes from you. Also, my style might seem a little wordy too. It might just be me and I'm oblivious.)

Continuing.

Orkor- you have done a marvelous job in this thread, and I really like your flavorful use of adjectives. Not only are they a style enhancer, but also, they are just a really cool addition to what I would expect to see in a fighting / brawl post.

Triest- wonderful idea to implement the quotes at the END of the post. This made action very clear, and I'm sure it even helps the judges remember what they are supposed to visualize.

Tart!- Your following post was a bit short, however, its quality was still quit satisfying to me. You ended on a good note, and I found you and your team's coordination VERY well put together. You almost seemed UNITED. It was friggin' awesome.

Triest- your last post in the thread was very strong. You progressed with your writing and your character did too, I was impressed.

Tart- I loved your conclusion post, it had you and okor reunite, a bit of bonding and recovering, but I really enjoyed your portrayal of it all, and again, your vocabulary was quite nice. The final word, in bold, was an excellent ending to this thread.

Wonderful job to everyone who participated![/spoiler]



Once more into the breach:
[spoiler]Tart- Your title post is very well done, I can see just how much your writing has progressed between the time that the prior topic was written, and this one is.

The rotting giant pulled out a coloured, eternally shifting orb from under his tabard, gripping it tightly and focusing his mind. What they needed... were disguises. They were too recognizable, too easy to catch... perhaps a flaw of their plan in general, though it was far, far too late to change that. With the plague-bringer keeping a focused and calm mind, the orb began to shift and change, its ever-shifting colour eventually settling into a pure white, with the shape twitching and fluctuating, before finally consuming itself, leaving a pair of heavy burlap robes in its place. As Okor draped a set of the robes over his armour, he turned to the Luna Wolf, "Get dressed, we have some work to do."

This paragraph, I picked out, because to me, it was very well written, and stood out in the same way, because of it. Something else very important that struck me, was the conclusion of your post. I mentioned this above, but I really enjoy it when posts do such a good job, that they can confidently leave off and leave the reader hanging on the edge of their words.

In this introductory post as well, You did a nice job establishing some of the suggestions I made earlier to some other writers in the Elfborne extraction. One in particular, which is a coined "restate the obvious," so the reader can visualize better. Very nicely done, Tart.

Orkor's post- Your first paragraph was really cool, and well written. I enjoyed it and what I felt you wanted me, the audience, to take from your writing and actions.

NEALAPHH- It is awesome to see him in action, instantly, his character strikes with your words, and I get a sense of who he is. Later in the same post, I was given the chance to see some of your diverse style and portrayal skills. I was blown away. Not much else to say, except keep it up!

Tart!~
Your next post does a wonderful job at incorporating your own versatility, you show that you can stretch and expand as a writer, and aren't simply confined to one 'set' style. This skill alone is something a lot of writers lack, and I think others will come to appreciate it (or have already) in the future.

OKOR: Very strong post, I appreciate your vivid word use, as well as how thoroughly composed it is.

I like that everyone so far, has kept their posts short and sweet. This is tactful and better impacts the reader and their interest in the story, as well as shows that you have gutted the 'unnecessary' and remained really precise and concise in your portrayal and continuation of the story.

Nealaphh- I only delved deeper into the god-mind.

TART~ Your latest post was probably my favorite out of the ones that I read. Mainly because your progress is so well pronounced. You've developed as a writer, and your increased sense of character for tartaros shows! You've improved a lot since the previous topic, and I commend your growth.

To continue: The character's growth showed greatly, after Nealaphh went mind-control on him. I like how this was displayed in the 'obsidian' coating on Tart's armor. I also like when the god-mind was taken away, as there was a fundamental aspect to Tart's blind rage that was hinted at, which I appreciated a lot. TONS of feels at the end of that one, Tart. Very well done.

Together, this thread has a very thrilling and artistic side. I definitely plan on nominating it *goes off to do this* in the bonus thread for awesome writing.

Overall: Nice work, guys! Any and all suggestions are in there, but you all are fantastic writers, and I don't have too much to add that I think would help to your growth. Challenge yourself, test your limits, explore aspects you may not have considered as possibilities, and as always, try your best. As you will want to be remembered as exactly that.[/spoiler]

[Gildarts]

Down the magma hole:

Before I begin, I would like to bring your attention to that this is a *site* quest, so while I am not the one judging it, my own opinion may differ and contrast in comparison to the judge's personal scorecard, as well as my suggestions may tell you to do one thing, and their suggestions another.

BEGIN:

First off, I just wanted to commend you, that I was really impressed with your ambition for choosing to do a Void quest when you are still a bit of a new member, it was really cool, and shows your motivation for the site and passion for writing is there.

To begin, your descriptions of the settings and surroundings are very nice. It was thoughtful that you placed in the taste of the air, as I read it I thought 'of course!' volcanoes and volcanic ash would smell like sulfur, but not everyone would think to put that in.

Though the quest is just beginning, I can see a lot of avenues that you could take it. I'm not super familiar with your character, but Omni is coveted, the most powerful being in the OV. He brought your prime HERE. Channel the passion and display the motivation! *Shameless self promotion* But I suggest you look at some of the secondary saga stuff, Good forums to take a look at, kind of helped me guide some of the participants into what we were expecting are: Secondary Saga hints or if you look at the top Intro post to every "phase" I plainly stated the requirements *in some of them*so that people know what to plan out during that "chapter."Here's another example. It's in yellow quotes.

WHILE I do not suggest the same format to a solo quest, I do think that certain things can be helpful along your journey -traveler-. If you look at the profilesfor the secondary saga quest, you will find I had everyone list their motivations to find omni. This was one of the things I really wanted to prioritize from other people and their posts. I too, tried to lead by example, by making it the focal point, but I did notice that the repetition may be off putting or dull to someone who has to read a similar themed notion (even if it was purposeful) to readers or judges. I still, however, promote the inclusion of stating or implying why your character wants to find omni in the beginning, but then, at the end, placing a progressed version of the same goal, such as:

Tennant wanted to find his daughter, would he live to make it to the deity* Omni?

END: Tennant had set out this search to find his daughter, however, he had never anticipated the change that the challenges had brought to him. (Something like) He realized along his way, that he had found himself.

Cheesy example, but sufficient I think, to get my point across. I definitely promote reading Kingdom Come, which was the thread of the only TWO members in the whole OV to make it to omni, and also brushing up on how they got there. Also, Protoman's work is wonderful, so you will be in for a treat.

Continuing lastly before I review your writing some more: It isn't all about the destination. Sometimes, the best part, and what can actually enhance the destination, is the journey. I'm not sure how the judges are grading the solo quests to the void, however I'm sure they will be looking for an even balance of good writing, a good blend of diverse action, good character growth and storyline, and you want the audience to take that you had a fun time writing it (or some variation of fun -because effort :effort: -).

If you need any help making the story or plot, or are looking for someone to accompany you there, let me know and I'd love to share a few ideas with you, or be a minor NPC in your topic (granted you can imagine my activity will SPIKE once the SS void quest is over). I offer not only because I am interested in getting to write with new members, but also because I know that writing on your own with no one to play off of, can be trying at times. Dean Winchester actually taught me about this, when he requested I help him with some atmosphere in one of his threads (later I NPC'd) and I had a wonderful time in that thread, and they brought me back for a sequel *feels loved.* Prompts don't always have to be super long, and sometimes, detours in a story can be looped around to make sense psh this isnt poor story telling or anything...

Why am I telling you this stuff? Well, mostly so you can take a look, gain experience or wisdom, but I want you to know what's on my mind as it occurs to me. Sometimes a bit of reference can help other people understand where you are coming from or trying to establish as it is harder for me to pronounce advice thoroughly through text. ANYWAY, back to you!

"I checked my surroundings, looking at all directions in an attempt to determine which one had the most stable ground and the least number of molten lava streams."

First person. It requires a lot of introspection, or at least it can, if the writer wants to establish this. Remember you also want to entertain the reader when you are writing, and that minor touches to a sentence can edit and form it around into being enhanced. The way you used the sentence was very clear, and straight forward. Demetri, earlier in this same RIB thread, does this very well. I prompted him to add a tad more descriptive adjectives, and he has really come a long way with what I call, setting the scene.

PbP rp's always make me forget to use my senses. Sometimes it occurs to me to account for the fragrance of flowers in the wind *in this case, sulfur* or how the heat could singe the character's clothes or nose, but, small descriptions embedded into a sentence, or added into a separate one, can really change the outcome and impact your post and writing has on the reader and audience. I urge you as well, to use at least one sense every post, just to help with this. You've done a good job so far with this, as I was impressed with you accounting for the scent of sulfur in the air right off the bat, so don't worry about missing too much.

In the future, imagery is possibly one of the most powerful things imaginable *pun* when we are writing. Why do we read? Well, taking out the content of characters and plot, we as readers are transported to an entirely different world, where we are told what to see, but we see it our way. Its quitemagical, and it's almost like we defy the impossible, when we can read something and become completely engulfed in a story or poem.

Makoto has a strong voice, I love seeing him interact with some of the treacherously molten scenery. This thread doesn't have a lot established yet (and by this I simply mean, you are still at the beginning stages of the quest). I do suggest your character finds a partner to bounce their witty banter off of, as DP found Gingy, in contrast, a talking gingerbread man DOES make the crimson pool look better side by side. Foils can add intrigue to your character, as well as just create fun dialogue for your to think and respond to.

The quest stuff: WELL, each of the requirements of the void quests are somewhat 'fitted to' the scenery. I'm sure I can imagine your character will be encountering some EPIC final bosses, dragons, creatures, the hole shabam. I really look forward to how you spin that, as I have found that everyone does their own stories in their own unique and individual ways. Stories can get crazy, super fun, and are ALWAYS amazing in the end. So, I promise you, do your best with this quest, and you will succeed <3

[Makoto Yuki]

Thank you for that wonderfully comprehensive review, Gildaryn! <3

I'll keep in mind that the final ruling is in the hands of the staff, but I definitely appreciate your opinion regardless. I think I will find someone to bounce ideas off like you said, I just cannot bring myself to think and come up with anything but the vaguest plans of were I'm going to take the quest. >_>

And I realize now that there's nothing motivating Makoto in the eyes of the reader except this one line about wanting to go home I threw in the first post, I gotta work on that.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to have an NPC somewhere in the thread, or if I was just going to isolate the guy for however long the quest takes, but I agree that interacting with one would be preferable to just having all the dialogue be in his head like a crazy dude.

While there're only two other void quests on the site, they're both done masterfully, and I'm sure I'll learn a lot when I get to reading them, both pertaining to void quests and writing in general. I've been meaning to read them for a while now but.. they're super long :effort: .

I'll try and remember to make it interesting when I write first person, I know how it can get pretty boring and bland if the character is treated as a narrator when they're supposed to be the person living through the events happening right now :/

All in all, that was amazingly helpful, and I'll probably keep the post open in a tab when I get to writing the next part of the thread. Thanks, Gildy.

[Gildarts]

All in all, that was amazingly helpful, and I'll probably keep the post open in a tab when I get to writing the next part of the thread. Thanks, Gildy.

No problem! I love seeing how people grow and evolve over time. Let me know if you ever have any more questions, I'd love to offer any advice I can!

Good luck, Makoto! <3

[Tearen Wover]

I think this post is pretty great. Maybe my best on the site so far. I'm curious what others think.

Oh uh, I should clarify. It's very [M].

[spoiler]Tearen stood at the threshold of the initiation chambers, the feeling of anticipation bouncing up and down his spine.

"No...no..."

He shook his head. He was no longer Tearen. He had been given a new name, and a new body, though it looked the same as his old one. Granted, though this body had the same dark brown skin and flowing silver hair as his previous one, it also felt...different. Tea...Nealaphh looked down at his bare hand, opening and closing it slowly. It was if he could feel more than he used to. Every sensation was vivid and invigorating. He could smell the fresh, cool air of the night sky overhead, the sweetness of the long grass around his feet, and the constant breeze of the flirtatious wind along his totally exposed body.

It was Initiation Night, the night when all of the new followers of The Master were gathered into the usually sealed chambers of the same name that had so long been the curiosity of he and his other thirty eight conscripts. For months, they had undergone rigorous mental training and deprogramming, learning to shrug off the inhibitions of the civilized world from which they had been pooled. They had asked their mentors, perpetually clad in their brown, monkish robes what initiation into Enigma meant, but only ever received warm smiles or coy chuckles. Needless to say, the rumors of some kind of sexual congress were rampant, but otherwise, they were in the dark.

The Initiation Chamber itself was an immense sandstone building, colored a chocolate brown and covered in the inscrutable hieroglyphics of the Enigmas. It was one hundred twenty seven yards in diameter and was a perfect circle, which was rather odd for a building built in the Nameless City. Regardless, each of the Initiates had been positioned at the entrance to one of the countless doors that ringed the perimeter of the Chamber and stripped of their clothes. To his left, Nealaphh could see Nobin, a man he had little familiarity with, and to the right Nerendaf, one of his closest friends since coming to the Nameless City on the Nameless Planet. The two offered nervous smiles at one another, before turning their attention back to the simple wooden doors set into the stone walls in front of them.

All at once, there came the sounding of a loud blast of horns and pipes; a discordant sound that raised goosebumps across Nealaphh's skin. It was clearly a signal to finally enter the Chamber. Swallowing his apprehension, as he had done many times since his training had started, Nealaphh pushed open the heavy door and stepped into the chamber.

Inside, a dome arched high into the ceiling, where a single, round aperture let moonlight onto the soft, loamy dirt that was the floor of the interior of the chamber. A high wall ringed the circumference of the large clearing, and ensconced torches offered a warm flickering light to the scene. All in all, it would be quite underwhelming if it wasn't for the fact that every single Enigma was seated in stands that rose high up into the recesses of the dome. Their ritualistically scarred faces stared down at the initiates with a great spectrum of expressions, ranging from solemn melancholy to malevolent glee. Normally Tearen would be feeling quite self conscious about his nudity, but the teachings of the Enigmas had taught him not to care. However, now that he was able to see the female initiates' own exposed flesh as they too entered the chamber, his body took notice.

"Initiates." said a loud voice, that none of them recognized.

"You have all failed the first test of initiation."

They looked at eachother, confused. Some of the Enigmas laughed.

"You were forbidden from entering the Initiation Chamber, and all of you obeyed until we granted you permission. Have the mores of civilization been so ingrained into you? Have we taught you nothing?"

Nealaphh's heart plummeted. Of course. The most important part of being an Enigma was to simply do what felt right, and ignore rules and laws. In this regard, they had all, indeed, failed. Other Initiates expressed their outrage and shame in due fashion before the voice continued.

"Do not despair, because there is yet hope to ascend to the next level of Awareness. The first task; Eat."

On cue, a great feast suddenly appeared in the middle of the Chamber. A great, round table covered with myriad dishes of decadent preparation. Sets of silverware and flutes of champaign were set at places for each of the the naked hopefuls. Normally, such a thing materializing out of thin air would be startling, but the acolytes had come to expect this kind of thing. A moment passed, before many of the collected acolytes surged towards the banquet with crazed looks. Nealaphh himself launched into a full sprint, his eyes locked on a particularly sumptuous looking haunch of meat, dressed in berries and herbs. Nealaphh slammed his hands onto the white linen tablecloth and vaulted over the place setting for himself, snatching the food im midair with his feet before landing back into the dirt and immediately burying his face into the utterly delicious fare.

Other Initiates who stayed against the wall were in shock; they had just been scolded for blindly following orders. Why would anyone dare to follow another one? The answer was made clear in a moment, when the Voice called out to one of the diners.

"Nudralea, why did you obey the command?"

Nudralea looked up from the large flat pan of roasted tubers she was gorging herself on and spoke loudly, flecks of half-chewed sustenance flying from her mouth.

"Because I want to!"

Nealaphh nodded to himself as he took another ravenous bite of succulent meat. Exactly. They had been scolded for obeying orders, and then were given an order. The expectation, the unspoken order was to then not follow what orders would come next. It was almost a catch twenty two, but in the face of such things, it was simply a matter of doing whatever felt best, and there was no way he was passing up on food this good. The Voice asked another question, this time to one of the Initiates who had not dashed forward to sate themselves.

"Nafadk, why did you not eat?"

Nealaphh glanced over at the tall man; he had always been the most full-bodied initiate in their group, and now that his genitals were laid bare, it was clear to see that the state of his musculature was contiguous with his assets. The deep-throated man answered in a relaxed voice.

"Because my body compels me to feed, and I am not a slave to my physical form."

Nealaphh elicited a small chuckle from behind the rim of the fifth flute of champaign he was guzzling down. It was also a good answer, and one he had honestly not considered. After a time, once those Initiates who had opted to eat were finished with their conjured fare, they stood back up and returned to their original stations, though a few deigned to relieve themselves first. The now disheveled table and banquet disappeared with as little ceremony as it had come, and The Voice came again.

"Now for the next test. Kill."

At this, two ceremonial looking daggers appeared in the middle of the arena, dressed in gold filigree and glinting in the combination of moon and fire light. At this, everyone balked. Was this an order to obey or ignore...or something else? Some of the intiates lowered into defensive stances. Suddenly, a small voiced woman by the name of Nytelano spoke loudly.

"I refuse to take the lives of-"

Her preaching was cut off as the woman to her right, Nhazwa, sprinted over to her and snapped her neck with a vicious snarl. There was a beat, and suddenly blood started flying and spraying all across the floor of the Chamber. One man, Nuripad, was the first to reach the knives in the center, but rather than turn them on the woman who was rapidly approaching, he took both daggers and buried them into his own eyes. He let out a shrill roar before collapsing to the moist dirt.

Meanwhile, Nealaphh had already managed to dispatch two of his colleagues when a man named Nohone, smaller than he, jumped on to Nealaphh's back and began to try and throttle him. With an enraged huff, Nealaphh stumbled backwards against the rough stone wall of the Chamber and pressed into the skinny weight of Nohone, trying to crush the strength from the man's thin arms, but it was to no avail. Nealaphh hunched to the ground and grabbed the hands clasping his neck and yanked them free with a desperate grasp before he felt a white hot pain in his back. Nohone slumped off of Nealaphh with a gurgle. Nealaphh looked up in panic to see Nerendaf dashing away, knife in hand. It was clearly apparent that he had meant to run Nerendaf through with the ceremonial blade, but had he also intended to kill Nealaphh? Or had it been a gambit to save his friend? This mystery would never be answered, and Nerendaf was promptly tackled by four other initiates desiring the weapon.

Nealaphh felt the wound on his back, watching the melee as he gauged his health. The wound was mostly superficial, but bleeding badly enough that it would need attention soon. Still, he knew he had to capitalize on the adrenaline still in his system, and joined the frenetic dogpile for ownership of the knife as well.

Everything was sweat, blood and elbows at the five initiates tumbled and competed for their lives. All of a sudden, Nealaphh saw a glint out of the corner of his right eye, and slammed the arm holding the knife to the ground with an imperious grasp. Another initiate, Nealaphh had no idea who, tried to snatch it from the vulnerable hand, but they were grabbed by the legs and thrown away. Nealaphh had only a quick second to take advantage of the opening, and with vicious intent, he arched his back forwards and sank his teeth into the neck of the initiate he had pinned.

The taste of warm metal filled his clenched jaws as he thrashed and tore at the soft flesh with his teeth. Nealaphh had never dared dream that it could be so easy for human denticles to rend the skin of another, but in this melee of the survivor, he learned. Once the victim beneath him had ceased their forlorn heaving, Nealaphh rose from the pile of carnage, blade in hand and swallowed the mixture of foreign and self-made blood in his mouth. With dark eyes, he spied the other knife wielder stalking towards him, a man named Nikgolc. He was known to be rather proficient with bladed weaponry, but they had all been trained. Nealaphh too adopted the Enigma stance and they circled each other amidst the ever present screams and snaps. An embattled pair of initiates tumbled past between them, and they charged at eachother, silence the only sentiment to be exchanged.

Nealaphh inmediately sustained a long cut up his left arm as he smacked Nikgolc's blade away with the corresponding hand. Nealaphh tried to feint his blade to the right before thrusting at Nikgolc's ribs, but the superior fighter shifted his weight forwards and stepped on Nealaphh's right foot, causing them to both collapse to the floor, with Nikgolc controlling the pin. Nealaphh could hear the battle crazed acolyte muttering something over and over between his seething, bared teeth. Die.

Something shifted in Nealaphh at that moment. He had already suffered through mortality's final act once before, as they all had. The second time held the same fear, the same panic that he had felt the first time. And just like the first time, Nealaphh was held immobile, unable to move and change his fate. He could hear the final words he ever heard from his wife and daughter, muted and distant. The constant beeping of the heart monitor. The helplessness.

"NnnnnnnoooOOOO!" Nealaphh screamed, the strength of panic flooding his limbs. He smashed his head into Nikgolc's nose, causing the man to flinch but not relinquish his grip. Nealaphh proceeded to wriggle and throw his weight around in frenzied throes of denial, forcing Nikgolc to maintain his focus on Nealaphh and Nealaphh alone. He did not anticipate Nyeikon, a normally meek female, to wrench Nikgolc's dagger from his hand and lop his head halfway off with a two handed stroke. Nealaphh immediately rose up and drove his own blade up through her jaw and into her frontal lobe. The blade was withdrawn with a gut turning schluck before Nealaphh turned around, surveying the Chamber. All other initiates were either dead or dying, muted gasps and whispers echoing all throughout the blood spattered, torchlit house of carnage. All, except one. Nudralea. She stared at him with vigorous fire burning in her eyes, complete confidence in Nealaphh's death emanating from every twitch of her sweat speckled frame. She was unarmed, but unafraid. Nealaphh looked down at his two daggers and back to her. He should just stab her where she stood and be done with it. That would be the smart thing to do. That's what he should do. But that's not he wanted to do. Nealaphh wordlessly tossed the knife over to the bloodsoaked woman, where she picked it up with a lithe, swooping motion. There they stood, staring at eachother, preparing to die.

"Hold."

Nudralea and Nealaphh both froze on the spot and looked around, eyes wide. Now what?

"Mate."

They both looked back at each other, eyes still wide. It was neither of their first impulse to do so. Obey? Disobey?

Do what you want.

Nealaphh could feel the urge rising from his mid section, a slowly inhaled breath that spread a tingling chill through his limbs and up to his head, where his mouth began to salivate. A sensation somewhere between imminent nausea and exuberance, it ricocheted through his body, forcing him to its will.

Mate.

Nealaphh could not see the Chamber. He could not see the carnage. He could not see the torches, nor the thousand eyes staring at him. He could see only Nudralea, and her body, painted with the sacred life force of their friends and rivals. He flung his blade to the side and they melded together coupling with deep intensity and synergy. Their embrace was that of unbridled passion, and the kiss was that of empathy, sweet upon the soul.

There, in the middle of the unspeakable horror, they sank to the ground and tended to one another's overpowering need. Their breathing matched, their bodies in rhythm, they performed the ancient rite of those who held a pulse within their hearts and minds. Existential barriers faded away as they gave in to eachother, all the varied efluence of passion concocting a heady aroma which drove the imperative even further...

...

Once the final test had been completed, Nudralea and Nealaphh rose from the dirt and grime to be heralded as the newest Enigmas. Cacophanous applause and the ever-dissonant hooting of horns and pipes lauded them as they staggered from the floor of Life, victors in the Rite of Primality. The lessons would last for eternity, and perhaps, one day, they would ascend beyond the status of Enigma, the station they now occupied, and join the Echelons of the Unbodied.

One could only hope.

No other reward would suffice for what had been done[/spoiler]

[Gildarts]

I think this post is pretty great. Maybe my best on the site so far. I'm curious what others think.

Oh uh, I should clarify. It's very [M].

[spoiler]Tearen stood at the threshold of the initiation chambers, the feeling of anticipation bouncing up and down his spine.

"No...no..."

He shook his head. He was no longer Tearen. He had been given a new name, and a new body, though it looked the same as his old one. Granted, though this body had the same dark brown skin and flowing silver hair as his previous one, it also felt...different. Tea...Nealaphh looked down at his bare hand, opening and closing it slowly. It was if he could feel more than he used to. Every sensation was vivid and invigorating. He could smell the fresh, cool air of the night sky overhead, the sweetness of the long grass around his feet, and the constant breeze of the flirtatious wind along his totally exposed body.

It was Initiation Night, the night when all of the new followers of The Master were gathered into the usually sealed chambers of the same name that had so long been the curiosity of he and his other thirty eight conscripts. For months, they had undergone rigorous mental training and deprogramming, learning to shrug off the inhibitions of the civilized world from which they had been pooled. They had asked their mentors, perpetually clad in their brown, monkish robes what initiation into Enigma meant, but only ever received warm smiles or coy chuckles. Needless to say, the rumors of some kind of sexual congress were rampant, but otherwise, they were in the dark.

The Initiation Chamber itself was an immense sandstone building, colored a chocolate brown and covered in the inscrutable hieroglyphics of the Enigmas. It was one hundred twenty seven yards in diameter and was a perfect circle, which was rather odd for a building built in the Nameless City. Regardless, each of the Initiates had been positioned at the entrance to one of the countless doors that ringed the perimeter of the Chamber and stripped of their clothes. To his left, Nealaphh could see Nobin, a man he had little familiarity with, and to the right Nerendaf, one of his closest friends since coming to the Nameless City on the Nameless Planet. The two offered nervous smiles at one another, before turning their attention back to the simple wooden doors set into the stone walls in front of them.

All at once, there came the sounding of a loud blast of horns and pipes; a discordant sound that raised goosebumps across Nealaphh's skin. It was clearly a signal to finally enter the Chamber. Swallowing his apprehension, as he had done many times since his training had started, Nealaphh pushed open the heavy door and stepped into the chamber.

Inside, a dome arched high into the ceiling, where a single, round aperture let moonlight onto the soft, loamy dirt that was the floor of the interior of the chamber. A high wall ringed the circumference of the large clearing, and ensconced torches offered a warm flickering light to the scene. All in all, it would be quite underwhelming if it wasn't for the fact that every single Enigma was seated in stands that rose high up into the recesses of the dome. Their ritualistically scarred faces stared down at the initiates with a great spectrum of expressions, ranging from solemn melancholy to malevolent glee. Normally Tearen would be feeling quite self conscious about his nudity, but the teachings of the Enigmas had taught him not to care. However, now that he was able to see the female initiates' own exposed flesh as they too entered the chamber, his body took notice.

"Initiates." said a loud voice, that none of them recognized.

"You have all failed the first test of initiation."

They looked at eachother, confused. Some of the Enigmas laughed.

"You were forbidden from entering the Initiation Chamber, and all of you obeyed until we granted you permission. Have the mores of civilization been so ingrained into you? Have we taught you nothing?"

Nealaphh's heart plummeted. Of course. The most important part of being an Enigma was to simply do what felt right, and ignore rules and laws. In this regard, they had all, indeed, failed. Other Initiates expressed their outrage and shame in due fashion before the voice continued.

"Do not despair, because there is yet hope to ascend to the next level of Awareness. The first task; Eat."

On cue, a great feast suddenly appeared in the middle of the Chamber. A great, round table covered with myriad dishes of decadent preparation. Sets of silverware and flutes of champaign were set at places for each of the the naked hopefuls. Normally, such a thing materializing out of thin air would be startling, but the acolytes had come to expect this kind of thing. A moment passed, before many of the collected acolytes surged towards the banquet with crazed looks. Nealaphh himself launched into a full sprint, his eyes locked on a particularly sumptuous looking haunch of meat, dressed in berries and herbs. Nealaphh slammed his hands onto the white linen tablecloth and vaulted over the place setting for himself, snatching the food im midair with his feet before landing back into the dirt and immediately burying his face into the utterly delicious fare.

Other Initiates who stayed against the wall were in shock; they had just been scolded for blindly following orders. Why would anyone dare to follow another one? The answer was made clear in a moment, when the Voice called out to one of the diners.

"Nudralea, why did you obey the command?"

Nudralea looked up from the large flat pan of roasted tubers she was gorging herself on and spoke loudly, flecks of half-chewed sustenance flying from her mouth.

"Because I want to!"

Nealaphh nodded to himself as he took another ravenous bite of succulent meat. Exactly. They had been scolded for obeying orders, and then were given an order. The expectation, the unspoken order was to then not follow what orders would come next. It was almost a catch twenty two, but in the face of such things, it was simply a matter of doing whatever felt best, and there was no way he was passing up on food this good. The Voice asked another question, this time to one of the Initiates who had not dashed forward to sate themselves.

"Nafadk, why did you not eat?"

Nealaphh glanced over at the tall man; he had always been the most full-bodied initiate in their group, and now that his genitals were laid bare, it was clear to see that the state of his musculature was contiguous with his assets. The deep-throated man answered in a relaxed voice.

"Because my body compels me to feed, and I am not a slave to my physical form."

Nealaphh elicited a small chuckle from behind the rim of the fifth flute of champaign he was guzzling down. It was also a good answer, and one he had honestly not considered. After a time, once those Initiates who had opted to eat were finished with their conjured fare, they stood back up and returned to their original stations, though a few deigned to relieve themselves first. The now disheveled table and banquet disappeared with as little ceremony as it had come, and The Voice came again.

"Now for the next test. Kill."

At this, two ceremonial looking daggers appeared in the middle of the arena, dressed in gold filigree and glinting in the combination of moon and fire light. At this, everyone balked. Was this an order to obey or ignore...or something else? Some of the intiates lowered into defensive stances. Suddenly, a small voiced woman by the name of Nytelano spoke loudly.

"I refuse to take the lives of-"

Her preaching was cut off as the woman to her right, Nhazwa, sprinted over to her and snapped her neck with a vicious snarl. There was a beat, and suddenly blood started flying and spraying all across the floor of the Chamber. One man, Nuripad, was the first to reach the knives in the center, but rather than turn them on the woman who was rapidly approaching, he took both daggers and buried them into his own eyes. He let out a shrill roar before collapsing to the moist dirt.

Meanwhile, Nealaphh had already managed to dispatch two of his colleagues when a man named Nohone, smaller than he, jumped on to Nealaphh's back and began to try and throttle him. With an enraged huff, Nealaphh stumbled backwards against the rough stone wall of the Chamber and pressed into the skinny weight of Nohone, trying to crush the strength from the man's thin arms, but it was to no avail. Nealaphh hunched to the ground and grabbed the hands clasping his neck and yanked them free with a desperate grasp before he felt a white hot pain in his back. Nohone slumped off of Nealaphh with a gurgle. Nealaphh looked up in panic to see Nerendaf dashing away, knife in hand. It was clearly apparent that he had meant to run Nerendaf through with the ceremonial blade, but had he also intended to kill Nealaphh? Or had it been a gambit to save his friend? This mystery would never be answered, and Nerendaf was promptly tackled by four other initiates desiring the weapon.

Nealaphh felt the wound on his back, watching the melee as he gauged his health. The wound was mostly superficial, but bleeding badly enough that it would need attention soon. Still, he knew he had to capitalize on the adrenaline still in his system, and joined the frenetic dogpile for ownership of the knife as well.

Everything was sweat, blood and elbows at the five initiates tumbled and competed for their lives. All of a sudden, Nealaphh saw a glint out of the corner of his right eye, and slammed the arm holding the knife to the ground with an imperious grasp. Another initiate, Nealaphh had no idea who, tried to snatch it from the vulnerable hand, but they were grabbed by the legs and thrown away. Nealaphh had only a quick second to take advantage of the opening, and with vicious intent, he arched his back forwards and sank his teeth into the neck of the initiate he had pinned.

The taste of warm metal filled his clenched jaws as he thrashed and tore at the soft flesh with his teeth. Nealaphh had never dared dream that it could be so easy for human denticles to rend the skin of another, but in this melee of the survivor, he learned. Once the victim beneath him had ceased their forlorn heaving, Nealaphh rose from the pile of carnage, blade in hand and swallowed the mixture of foreign and self-made blood in his mouth. With dark eyes, he spied the other knife wielder stalking towards him, a man named Nikgolc. He was known to be rather proficient with bladed weaponry, but they had all been trained. Nealaphh too adopted the Enigma stance and they circled each other amidst the ever present screams and snaps. An embattled pair of initiates tumbled past between them, and they charged at eachother, silence the only sentiment to be exchanged.

Nealaphh inmediately sustained a long cut up his left arm as he smacked Nikgolc's blade away with the corresponding hand. Nealaphh tried to feint his blade to the right before thrusting at Nikgolc's ribs, but the superior fighter shifted his weight forwards and stepped on Nealaphh's right foot, causing them to both collapse to the floor, with Nikgolc controlling the pin. Nealaphh could hear the battle crazed acolyte muttering something over and over between his seething, bared teeth. Die.

Something shifted in Nealaphh at that moment. He had already suffered through mortality's final act once before, as they all had. The second time held the same fear, the same panic that he had felt the first time. And just like the first time, Nealaphh was held immobile, unable to move and change his fate. He could hear the final words he ever heard from his wife and daughter, muted and distant. The constant beeping of the heart monitor. The helplessness.

"NnnnnnnoooOOOO!" Nealaphh screamed, the strength of panic flooding his limbs. He smashed his head into Nikgolc's nose, causing the man to flinch but not relinquish his grip. Nealaphh proceeded to wriggle and throw his weight around in frenzied throes of denial, forcing Nikgolc to maintain his focus on Nealaphh and Nealaphh alone. He did not anticipate Nyeikon, a normally meek female, to wrench Nikgolc's dagger from his hand and lop his head halfway off with a two handed stroke. Nealaphh immediately rose up and drove his own blade up through her jaw and into her frontal lobe. The blade was withdrawn with a gut turning schluck before Nealaphh turned around, surveying the Chamber. All other initiates were either dead or dying, muted gasps and whispers echoing all throughout the blood spattered, torchlit house of carnage. All, except one. Nudralea. She stared at him with vigorous fire burning in her eyes, complete confidence in Nealaphh's death emanating from every twitch of her sweat speckled frame. She was unarmed, but unafraid. Nealaphh looked down at his two daggers and back to her. He should just stab her where she stood and be done with it. That would be the smart thing to do. That's what he should do. But that's not he wanted to do. Nealaphh wordlessly tossed the knife over to the bloodsoaked woman, where she picked it up with a lithe, swooping motion. There they stood, staring at eachother, preparing to die.

"Hold."

Nudralea and Nealaphh both froze on the spot and looked around, eyes wide. Now what?

"Mate."

They both looked back at each other, eyes still wide. It was neither of their first impulse to do so. Obey? Disobey?

Do what you want.

Nealaphh could feel the urge rising from his mid section, a slowly inhaled breath that spread a tingling chill through his limbs and up to his head, where his mouth began to salivate. A sensation somewhere between imminent nausea and exuberance, it ricocheted through his body, forcing him to its will.

Mate.

Nealaphh could not see the Chamber. He could not see the carnage. He could not see the torches, nor the thousand eyes staring at him. He could see only Nudralea, and her body, painted with the sacred life force of their friends and rivals. He flung his blade to the side and they melded together coupling with deep intensity and synergy. Their embrace was that of unbridled passion, and the kiss was that of empathy, sweet upon the soul.

There, in the middle of the unspeakable horror, they sank to the ground and tended to one another's overpowering need. Their breathing matched, their bodies in rhythm, they performed the ancient rite of those who held a pulse within their hearts and minds. Existential barriers faded away as they gave in to eachother, all the varied efluence of passion concocting a heady aroma which drove the imperative even further...

...

Once the final test had been completed, Nudralea and Nealaphh rose from the dirt and grime to be heralded as the newest Enigmas. Cacophanous applause and the ever-dissonant hooting of horns and pipes lauded them as they staggered from the floor of Life, victors in the Rite of Primality. The lessons would last for eternity, and perhaps, one day, they would ascend beyond the status of Enigma, the station they now occupied, and join the Echelons of the Unbodied.

One could only hope.

No other reward would suffice for what had been done[/spoiler]

Hey! I look forward to reading. As I've spread around, I'm leaving tomorrow on a camping trip, However I do hope to find the time before hand to read your post, because as you know, I love your work.

[Gildarts]

I started out marking a few notables. And added a small critique at the end, as I didn't find too much to construct on.
[spoiler]

Tearen stood at the threshold of the initiation chambers, the feeling of anticipation bouncing up and down his spine.

"No...no..."

He shook his head. He was no longer Tearen. He had been given a new name, and a new body, though it looked the same as his old one. Granted, though this body had the same dark brown skin and flowing silver hair as his previous one, it also felt...different. Tea...Nealaphh looked down at his bare hand, opening and closing it slowly. It was if he could feel more than he used to. Every sensation was vivid and invigorating. He could smell the fresh, cool air of the night sky overhead, the sweetness of the long grass around his feet, and the constant breeze of the flirtatious wind along his totally exposed body.

I really liked this description, it was light and airy, and you didn't have to flat out say, "nude." You let the reader paint the image for themselves, and I appreciated the implied visualization, adding to your style and sentence above, which was less "brash" and more enticing. Stylistic perspective or choice to lead into what comes next, either way, very nice.

It was Initiation Night, the night when all of the new followers of The Master were gathered into the usually sealed chambers of the same name that had so long been the curiosity of he and his other thirty eight conscripts. For months, they had undergone rigorous mental training and deprogramming, learning to shrug off the inhibitions of the civilized world from which they had been pooled. They had asked their mentors, perpetually clad in their brown, monkish robes what initiation into Enigma meant, but only ever received warm smiles or coy chuckles. Needless to say, the rumors of some kind of sexual congress were rampant, but otherwise, they were in the dark.

The Initiation Chamber itself was an immense sandstone building, colored a chocolate brown and covered in the inscrutable hieroglyphics of the Enigmas. It was one hundred twenty seven yards in diameter and was a perfect circle, which was rather odd for a building built in the Nameless City. Regardless, each of the Initiates had been positioned at the entrance to one of the countless doors that ringed the perimeter of the Chamber and stripped of their clothes. To his left, Nealaphh could see Nobin, a man he had little familiarity with, and to the right Nerendaf, one of his closest friends since coming to the Nameless City on the Nameless Planet. The two offered nervous smiles at one another, before turning their attention back to the simple wooden doors set into the stone walls in front of them.

All at once, there came the sounding of a loud blast of horns and pipes; a discordant sound that raised goosebumps across Nealaphh's skin. It was clearly a signal to finally enter the Chamber. Swallowing his apprehension, as he had done many times since his training had started, Nealaphh pushed open the heavy door and stepped into the chamber.

Slow but steady intrigue, leading into the action soon to come.

Inside, a dome arched high into the ceiling, where a single, round aperture let moonlight onto the soft, loamy dirt that was the floor of the interior of the chamber. A high wall ringed the circumference of the large clearing, and ensconced torches offered a warm flickering light to the scene. All in all, it would be quite underwhelming if it wasn't for the fact that every single Enigma was seated in stands that rose high up into the recesses of the dome. Their ritualistically scarred faces stared down at the initiates with a great spectrum of expressions, ranging from solemn melancholy to malevolent glee. Normally Tearen would be feeling quite self conscious about his nudity, but the teachings of the Enigmas had taught him not to care. However, now that he was able to see the female initiates' own exposed flesh as they too entered the chamber, his body took notice.

reinforced detail is a nice subtly, and it's woven intricately into the post's action. I was a bit confused why he was nude, but I reasoned because it was initiation night, it is implied that is the reason.

"Initiates." said a loud voice, that none of them recognized.

"You have all failed the first test of initiation."

They looked at eachother, confused. Some of the Enigmas laughed.

"You were forbidden from entering the Initiation Chamber, and all of you obeyed until we granted you permission. Have the mores of civilization been so ingrained into you? Have we taught you nothing?"

this twist was really cool, and Nealaphh's reaction too, spoke on that emotion.

Nealaphh's heart plummeted. Of course. The most important part of being an Enigma was to simply do what felt right, and ignore rules and laws. In this regard, they had all, indeed, failed. Other Initiates expressed their outrage and shame in due fashion before the voice continued.

"Do not despair, because there is yet hope to ascend to the next level of Awareness. The first task; Eat."

On cue, a great feast suddenly appeared in the middle of the Chamber. A great, round table covered with myriad dishes of decadent preparation. Sets of silverware and flutes of champaign were set at places for each of the the naked hopefuls. Normally, such a thing materializing out of thin air would be startling, but the acolytes had come to expect this kind of thing. A moment passed, before many of the collected acolytes surged towards the banquet with crazed looks. Nealaphh himself launched into a full sprint, his eyes locked on a particularly sumptuous looking haunch of meat, dressed in berries and herbs. Nealaphh slammed his hands onto the white linen tablecloth and vaulted over the place setting for himself, snatching the food im midair with his feet before landing back into the dirt and immediately burying his face into the utterly delicious fare.

Sounds freaking delicious >.<

Other Initiates who stayed against the wall were in shock; they had just been scolded for blindly following orders. Why would anyone dare to follow another one? The answer was made clear in a moment, when the Voice called out to one of the diners.

"Nudralea, why did you obey the command?"

Nudralea looked up from the large flat pan of roasted tubers she was gorging herself on and spoke loudly, flecks of half-chewed sustenance flying from her mouth.

"Because I want to!"

Nealaphh nodded to himself as he took another ravenous bite of succulent meat. Exactly. They had been scolded for obeying orders, and then were given an order. The expectation, the unspoken order was to then not follow what orders would come next. It was almost a catch twenty two, but in the face of such things, it was simply a matter of doing whatever felt best, and there was no way he was passing up on food this good. The Voice asked another question, this time to one of the Initiates who had not dashed forward to sate themselves.

Another cool twist.

"Nafadk, why did you not eat?"

Nealaphh glanced over at the tall man; he had always been the most full-bodied initiate in their group, and now that his genitals were laid bare, it was clear to see that the state of his musculature was contiguous with his assets. The deep-throated man answered in a relaxed voice.

"Because my body compels me to feed, and I am not a slave to my physical form."

Nealaphh elicited a small chuckle from behind the rim of the fifth flute of champaign he was guzzling down. It was also a good answer, and one he had honestly not considered. After a time, once those Initiates who had opted to eat were finished with their conjured fare, they stood back up and returned to their original stations, though a few deigned to relieve themselves first. The now disheveled table and banquet disappeared with as little ceremony as it had come, and The Voice came again.

"Now for the next test. Kill."

At this, two ceremonial looking daggers appeared in the middle of the arena, dressed in gold filigree and glinting in the combination of moon and fire light. At this, everyone balked. Was this an order to obey or ignore...or something else? Some of the intiates lowered into defensive stances. Suddenly, a small voiced woman by the name of Nytelano spoke loudly.

"I refuse to take the lives of-"

Her preaching was cut off as the woman to her right, Nhazwa, sprinted over to her and snapped her neck with a vicious snarl. There was a beat, and suddenly blood started flying and spraying all across the floor of the Chamber. One man, Nuripad, was the first to reach the knives in the center, but rather than turn them on the woman who was rapidly approaching, he took both daggers and buried them into his own eyes. He let out a shrill roar before collapsing to the moist dirt.

WHOA. I wasn't expecting such a ferocious leap.

Meanwhile, Nealaphh had already managed to dispatch two of his colleagues when a man named Nohone, smaller than he, jumped on to Nealaphh's back and began to try and throttle him. With an enraged huff, Nealaphh stumbled backwards against the rough stone wall of the Chamber and pressed into the skinny weight of Nohone, trying to crush the strength from the man's thin arms, but it was to no avail. Nealaphh hunched to the ground and grabbed the hands clasping his neck and yanked them free with a desperate grasp before he felt a white hot pain in his back. Nohone slumped off of Nealaphh with a gurgle. Nealaphh looked up in panic to see Nerendaf dashing away, knife in hand. It was clearly apparent that he had meant to run Nerendaf through with the ceremonial blade, but had he also intended to kill Nealaphh? Or had it been a gambit to save his friend? This mystery would never be answered, and Nerendaf was promptly tackled by four other initiates desiring the weapon.

Friendly suggestion: I think I get why you want all the names to start with N, however, for the reader, we don't really get to picture what you are picturing for that character. For example, a lot of the time when I read Fili and Kili I couldn't mentally remember who was who just because their name was less distinguished when compared to another of the same sound.

Also I noticed you did post above what the person looked like (who Nealaphh killed) but feel free to get more intimate with the imagery- however to add to this, I appreciate the subtlety too. For action scenes however, it pays to show the reader what to imagine and "watch" as an event folds into another, or a fist flings forward toward...

Nealaphh felt the wound on his back, watching the melee as he gauged his health. The wound was mostly superficial, but bleeding badly enough that it would need attention soon. Still, he knew he had to capitalize on the adrenaline still in his system, and joined the frenetic dogpile for ownership of the knife as well.

Everything was sweat, blood and elbows at the five initiates tumbled and competed for their lives. All of a sudden, Nealaphh saw a glint out of the corner of his right eye, and slammed the arm holding the knife to the ground with an imperious grasp. Another initiate, Nealaphh had no idea who, tried to snatch it from the vulnerable hand, but they were grabbed by the legs and thrown away. Nealaphh had only a quick second to take advantage of the opening, and with vicious intent, he arched his back forwards and sank his teeth into the neck of the initiate he had pinned.

I really like the next part. It was kind of a turning point in the post for me as a reader, and my interest in Nealaphh's action and development really piqued* /nudge/ in/at the parts to come.

(SN: in my opinion, posts can be more impactful if they gradually grow over the course of it. In this case in particular, as you have initiation "trials" your character is trying to complete. Adds a nice and subtle feel to it).

The taste of warm metal filled his clenched jaws as he thrashed and tore at the soft flesh with his teeth. Nealaphh had never dared dream that it could be so easy for human denticles to rend the skin of another, but in this melee of the survivor, he learned. Once the victim beneath him had ceased their forlorn heaving, Nealaphh rose from the pile of carnage, blade in hand and swallowed the mixture of foreign and self-made blood in his mouth. With dark eyes, he spied the other knife wielder stalking towards him, a man named Nikgolc. He was known to be rather proficient with bladed weaponry, but they had all been trained. Nealaphh too adopted the Enigma stance and they circled each other amidst the ever present screams and snaps. An embattled pair of initiates tumbled past between them, and they charged at eachother, silence the only sentiment to be exchanged.

Nealaphh immediately* sustained a long cut up his left arm as he smacked Nikgolc's blade away with the corresponding hand. Nealaphh tried to feint his blade to the right before thrusting at Nikgolc's ribs, but the superior fighter shifted his weight forwards and stepped on Nealaphh's right foot, causing them to both collapse to the floor, with Nikgolc controlling the pin. Nealaphh could hear the battle crazed acolyte muttering something over and over between his seething, bared teeth. Die.

I would italicize the last word, as you want it eventuated, but also passionate. Bared with emotion. Carrying on, that is a style choice too, and lately I've been a bit crazy with those.

Something shifted in Nealaphh at that moment. He had already suffered through mortality's final act once before, as they all had. The second time held the same fear, the same panic that he had felt the first time. And just like the first time, Nealaphh was held immobile, unable to move and change his fate. He could hear the final words he ever heard from his wife and daughter, muted and distant. The constant beeping of the heart monitor. The helplessness.

Fleeting flashback prompt, I like the reaction that follows !

"NnnnnnnoooOOOO!" Nealaphh screamed, the strength of panic flooding his limbs. He smashed his head into Nikgolc's nose, causing the man to flinch but not relinquish his grip. Nealaphh proceeded to wriggle and throw his weight around in frenzied throes of denial, forcing Nikgolc to maintain his focus on Nealaphh and Nealaphh alone. He did not anticipate Nyeikon, a normally meek female, to wrench Nikgolc's dagger from his hand and lop his head halfway off with a two handed stroke. Nealaphh immediately rose up and drove his own blade up through her jaw and into her frontal lobe. The blade was withdrawn with a gut turning schluck before Nealaphh turned around, surveying the Chamber. All other initiates were either dead or dying, muted gasps and whispers echoing all throughout the blood spattered, torchlit house of carnage. All, except one. Nudralea. She stared at him with vigorous fire burning in her eyes, complete confidence in Nealaphh's death emanating from every twitch of her sweat speckled frame. She was unarmed, but unafraid. Nealaphh looked down at his two daggers and back to her. He should just stab her where she stood and be done with it. That would be the smart thing to do. That's what he should do. But that's not he wanted to do. Nealaphh wordlessly tossed the knife over to the bloodsoaked woman, where she picked it up with a lithe, swooping motion. There they stood, staring at eachother, preparing to die.

this part is pretty epic

"Hold."

Nudralea and Nealaphh both froze on the spot and looked around, eyes wide. Now what?

"Mate."

They both looked back at each other, eyes still wide. It was neither of their first impulse to do so. Obey? Disobey?

Do what you want.

Nealaphh could feel the urge rising from his mid section, a slowly inhaled breath that spread a tingling chill through his limbs and up to his head, where his mouth began to salivate. A sensation somewhere between imminent nausea and exuberance, it ricocheted through his body, forcing him to its will.

Mate.

Nealaphh could not see the Chamber. He could not see the carnage. He could not see the torches, nor the thousand eyes staring at him. He could see only Nudralea, and her body, painted with the sacred life force of their friends and rivals. He flung his blade to the side and they melded together coupling with deep intensity and synergy. Their embrace was that of unbridled passion, and the kiss was that of empathy, sweet upon the soul.

There, in the middle of the unspeakable horror, they sank to the ground and tended to one another's overpowering need. Their breathing matched, their bodies in rhythm, they performed the ancient rite of those who held a pulse within their hearts and minds. Existential barriers faded away as they gave in to eachother, all the varied efluence of passion concocting a heady aroma which drove the imperative even further...

...

Once the final test had been completed, Nudralea and Nealaphh rose from the dirt and grime to be heralded as the newest Enigmas. Cacophanous applause and the ever-dissonant hooting of horns and pipes lauded them as they staggered from the floor of Life, victors in the Rite of Primality. The lessons would last for eternity, and perhaps, one day, they would ascend beyond the status of Enigma, the station they now occupied, and join the Echelons of the Unbodied.

One could only hope.

No other reward would suffice for what had been done

[/spoiler]

Wonderful read! I now want to know what happens next. THANKS, Nealaphh <3

[spoiler]Construction: ah, THIS part of the thread has come. Well, it's to be expected that I offer you some advice, and so I shall.

Explanations can't hurt. The story carried pretty well on the plot, but I would have liked to know what Nealaphh was thinking during the trials. It was actiony, and had a good tempo to balance everything in, however I was left wanting to know a little more as the story went along. There was plenty of depth to some of the actions (of both the erm, people and Nealaphh), but as a reader, we can't always know what is going on in your head to link everything together. You were pretty clear, and simple, but one or two times I felt like you were either holding back or holding out.

This could be my preference, as when you did this well, in this location

Nealaphh nodded to himself as he took another ravenous bite of succulent meat. Exactly. They had been scolded for obeying orders, and then were given an order. The expectation, the unspoken order was to then not follow what orders would come next. It was almost a catch twenty two, but in the face of such things, it was simply a matter of doing whatever felt best, and there was no way he was passing up on food this good.

, and a few times after and before; during the beginning of the trials.[/spoiler]

MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE: [spoiler] how can I choose just one?

To start out; the beginning was really well done. I didn't feel my mind curiously compelled to ask too many questions about the background of the situation. It flowed, and the story surged onward.

Your descriptions- You already knew you were amazing, but let's talk about it. Subtlety and execution can be a hard balance. In this post, I'd say you found it. You mentioned this was one of your best on the site, and I think your pride is warranted, as there are so many ways your progress as a writer show, and among other things the descriptions found their way into the story, which was an added benefit to your wording and the overall turnout.

Misc,/ other stuff. I really liked this post, because it left me wanting to read more. One of the best feelings in the world, is the drive, determination, and curiosity to have the will and to simply turn the page. this may seem of little consequence, but the level of intrigue and interest kept me reading.

Lastly, wonderful work Nealaphh. It's always nice reading your posts, and talking to someone who is awesome a god mind. feel fee to post as much as you want in this topic! (Though I will be on vacation for the following week). Love reading your work~

ANYTHING ELSE: God mind =Life

[Bandit With No Name]

bumping this for posterity

[Jak Mar]

Daxter needed to be a distraction. Keep New Babylon busy with other problems, and then gather what he needed to survive. He kept a sharp tree spear on his back from the Tangled greens. The courtyard blared with alarms. The area quickly filled with New Babylon’s soldiers trying to block all the exits. Thinking to himself and looking at Demetri, cautiousness filled the Ottsel’s eyes as Demetri nodded to him as he nodded back.

As Daxter ran, one of New babylon’s slower runners had put up some wall of energy that left the ottsel to crash into. That annoyed him, but it wouldn’t stop him from his goals. Erik grabbed him from his tail turning him upside down, staring at him but a chain smacked Erik on his shoulder, and a stab mark left Erik slower making Daxter’s escape all the easier. Turning his ass around, it was time to draw blood. Playing with fire only leaves burns. This meant in Daxter’s terms that he’d draw it first. Daxter’s claws came out and gritted his teeth “THIS IS FOR JAK and DEMETRI!” His claws ripped across Vic’s legs leaving a large bloody mark across one of his legs.

Daxter valiantly cheered if for a second and gathered up the strength to keep running away from the angered group of folks. But something stopped him. The anger of Victor Wolfe

Victor questioned Daxter’s motives, why the hell did he run into New Babylon’s castle without a good reason? Daxter’s eyes filled with heated anger and rage.

Fire vs Fire flamed between the two past associates and now “enemies”.

Victor growled “I found MYSELF FEELING SORRY For your ass for Jak’s death and this is how you repay me?”

Daxter growled and rage and tears filled his eyes “Try repaying me when you can fix my feelings from Jak’s every DEATH!”

“It’s NOT The same! You BARELY KNOW JAK AS MUCH AS I DO!

Daxter wiped away his anger and ran toward the sand. As Daxter got sent flying toward one of the building’s wall, he felt his mouth and felt a tooth was missing and as he tried to move, one of his legs were broken and he covered his mouth as he tried to stand up from the hurt. He’d have to shuffle his legs carefully, but the blood running along his ottsel fur wasn’t going to be a good thing. He winced, he just had to get back to the fight and give Demetri more time. He had just the right idea.

He scooped some sand into his hand and as he got closer to the fight slower than usual, while Sasuke was busy, he took some sand and like a skilled baseball player, he wacked some sand into Sasuke’s eyes.

As Sasuke reeled to cover his eyes stinging, Daxter tried to avoid Erik AND Vic, and tried again to form another sand ball. Daxter scooped some more sand and threw it into Victor’s eyes as well.

It was then Demetri used his Deception attack to throw off Victor and friends but that left Daxter problems of his own.

Daxter winced and his ottsel paws hurt from the sun, and there was a nasty bruise on one ottsel leg, this would slow him down some but while Demetri was gone, the distraction could get him toward that bike. Daxter looked up and ran against toward the bike in the courtyard..

But wait.. there was more problems… Townspeople AND guards…

One women screamed “AHHHHHHH! orange menace!

Daxter shook his head “I’m not a mancance! I’m the hero here!

He focused once again as a few guards of New Babylon tried to prevent him from getting any further. This finally was the moment to get things started.

Daxter took his sharp tree branch spear and scraped it against one of the townsguards legs, causing injury to the guard. But it was in self-defense.

The guards ran into each other sort of for comedy effects. Daxter began to panic as his eyes kept looking for the bike Demetri was talking about. Wait…

… There it is…

The bike looked to be pretty high tech for a place like Camelot, but what the hell. He’d take it and get Demetri back, too.

The ottsel grabbed the stick weapon and placed it on his back, and struggled trying to get himself onto the bike. Little creature, big bike, right?

The ottsel reeved the bike and sped it toward Demetri. “DEMETRI! LET’S GO!”


I want a opinion on this before posting it for real *rubs neck*

[Bandit With No Name]

Hey friend, I'll do my absolute best to get this done today.

[Corporal Light]

Because I am an insecure mofo, I'd highly appreciate people taking a looksie at this here topic thread and reviewing it <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4197">viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4197</a><!-- l -->

(I'm not actually an insecure mofo, I just want to know if I've improved since the two days after Adam Gaite and Ballad fighting.)

[Caira Ayryn]

@Ballad, the next time I get the chance, I'll take a look

[Gildarts]

Hey friend, I'll do my absolute best to get this done today.

Sinbad*, I got this one too. I know you're busy this weekend.

@Jak, I can have this up soon, but expect it in a couple of hours. I'm going to lunch with my mom.

[Gildarts]

Ballad! I thank you for taking interest in this thread, as it is my pride and joy. I was considering reviewing a bit of your fight, however, I think the judge gave you both some very good advice, nothing I could possibly come close to. But I will say I enjoyed what you both brought to the table during it.

As for improvement, I’m quite the optimist. I think a person can improve the way they write in numerous ways (some brief examples being): state of mind, ample motivation, and simply through experience.

I like the narrative voice you have, part of writing is keeping it simple, and I think you have a really good grasp on what you want to convey to the reader.

It wasn't even the normal kind of blackness either. It was the worst kind; the sort you can never wake up from and cannot see through no matter how hard you tried. It was the kind that you saw when you've been hurt so badly you can't move more then a few feet without getting dizzy.

It has nice imagery, and a clear concept of what your character is feeling is delivered to the reader without even having to say, “This person is feeling this way.”

Now, this is a C&C thread, so I also want to give you a suggestion I have on some of the way the narrative tends to slip from first person, to third, as well as a few tense sways.

There were a few times where I felt like you slipped into a first person narrative, but it was subtle and more for the story’s sake and reflection, as well as to speak Ballad’s thoughts. However, there were some ways which I think sticking to one tense, and using italics for thoughts separates some of the confusion for the reader. Consistency in tenses will help the reader delver more deeply into the story. As you know, there are present tense, past tense, and future tenses. You seem to write in present tense, which goes like this.

Here: “Peering in discomfort, he slowly lifts up his head once more, rolling his eyes towards the center of his body.”

If you switched it to past tense (Which I will admit, I do have a preference for both reading and writing), it would sound like this. In my opinion, it is a bit more concise, and slices out the excess guesswork for the reader. Here’s what the sentence looks like, past tense, but still present in the moment.

“He peered out in discomfort and slowly lifted up his head once more. [Then] His eyes rolled toward the center of his body...”

I’m not saying one is wrong, but the difference is certainly clear, and it shows itself stylistically. A little later it switches a bit, which may have been to conclude the narrative above it, but I’m going to quote it here so you can see where I referenced the change in tenses.

Even considering the fact he was* in a world of pain, it was astonishing how hardy Ballad was. He had been able to stand up, left hand covering his torso wound, and slowly walk* into the center of the room by the time the two medics got into the room. He was still* sweating from his eyebrows”

( It was just a small, noticeable change,) but I think extra “was, had, still, and soons” can be superfluous at times. I’ve been told about my writing that if I took out an extra ‘soon’ the sentence would have been completely different- and better. I’ve been experimenting with structure and syntax since, and if I get the chance, I like to let other people know of this kind of thing when I see it, because I do think a small tweaks can make all the difference in a masterpiece.



Since the couple of days after the battle, I will say I think your descriptions have gotten stronger. Example: “A thick stream of sweat slides down the side of his face as he leans upward into a sitting position, bending his knees before wrapping his arms around them... and suffering the consequences.”

This for me was a very nicely put together line. There was emotion and intensity in such few words. It conveys his strain to the reader, setting, and also the physical effects of his battle very nicely. Also, I felt it blended in with your style really well, because you have a more subtle description going, and it adds to the intrigue of the story, and it adds interest to the character. (Keep it up!)

To continue, I think your style cuts out some of the “fluff” that you might see writers with styles like my own have. Fluff is considered boring! In your writing, you have very little, action is abrupt, reaction has a similar effect. You have a no bull policy, and I can appreciate that, as it makes the story flow faster, enhances the strength of your own voice, and keeps the action and drama vivid and fresh. It also prevents distractions and offshoots, which tend to happen because a writer might have an idea and get carried away ( I know it has happened to me). Straight to the point, Ballad’s reaction was real.

"How... how the hell did I lose?!" he shouted, rage overcoming his sagacity, "I had him! I FUCKING HAD HIM! AND I LOST TO HIM?! A FUCKING KID?!"

Honestly, I just loved this part.

"Listen, for the fiftieth time already, you AREN'T going anywhere until your wounds have healed!"
“

I can vividly imagine Ballad’s reaction, and I am utterly amused by position he is in, kind of a prisoner in the infirmary. It speaks to his personality, and just his motivations, as he retaliates against the idea of staying needlessly in a place he doesn’t need to/doesn’t belong.

Throughout the read, there were parts where I really liked it when you delved into description, of the room, of the woman and her relationship with the man, and of Ballad’s thoughts. Keep that up, because it paints a lot of imagery for the reader, and helps us imagine what you see the room as. Don’t be afraid to get a little more thorough with it. Though it may not always seem like it, setting is a BIG part of interaction.

Lastly, the way the latest post ended was awesome, I like the action, Ballad’s forwardness (without shame), and the overall concept just feels original the way you put forth the idea. As well as you gave some attention the the npc doctors and female nurse.



In conclusion:
I usually suggest this to people, but it’s because it helped me a lot when I wanted to know how I could improve on my writing. When you have a good idea of an outline to write tense wise, you can focus on the flow of your writing as well as the storyline. <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=2033">viewtopic.php?f=38&t=2033</a><!-- l --> IT may seem long, but it really helps to refine your good qualities in a short amount of time.

You have a good thing going Ballad, keep up the effort and your improvement will go through the roof.