Read It Back

[Sam]

To start, I wasn't really sure what I should start with for advice or add because well. YOU know what you're capable of writing wise and stuff, sooooo on the shy Sam note, this is your phone-review. Sorry if you're disappointed. U intimidate me. And people. And me again.

#1 link

(perhaps from his home world, where people were too dumb to ready letters, so they resorted to pictures)

Smol typo there on read. And another later in the same post on "than"

Deadpool grabbed one side, Jak the other. With a synchrony of groans, they lifted the beam just enough to allow it to tumble over its supporting latches; when it thudded against the ground, the mercenary could feel its reverberations.

This was a nice snippet of detail and visual ^.^

Overall in your first post you do have quite a bit of commas and semi's just keep an eye on that, so that you don't hinder your flow and pace with them, and so that you don't become co dependent on those pauses as a writer.

100% dialogue on point so far.

Onto link #2

As they entered the steel mill, the dry odor of used charcoal hit them like fanned air.

This sentence using "like fanned" just felt kinda weird to me. Maybe instead of like use with... or something #not very confident

Nice visual with the bully's punch. It was a nice way to put it.

The two had entered in where finished steel shipped out for delivery.

This is concise and all but I think you can do better. You followed with some good detail to solidify it, but if this was at the start of the post I would want a more strong starting sentence and hook.

>trying to be a hardass and failing  

Make sure you take deep breaths there, Jak,” he said. ”Where I'm from, this stuff does wonders for your respiratory system.”

LO fucking L. Sadistic

>it's needed an apostrophe

Link #3 JAK'S link! Which is good cause she also asked for some C&C from me !

"Too bad, I actually thought i could of “absorbed” some of that.”

Switch of to "have" for better flow (or if you want that same sound "could've"). And don't forget to capitalize when you use I or Deadpool's name.

Besides the fact that i use odd symbols to write with, and unintentional ottsel gods and all that,

This one was missing quotes and because of its placement I couldn't tell if it was DP's narration or just a missing line.

"We’ll be back, fuckers…”

LOL nice !

Like you said it was a dialogue post so there wasn't too much for me to C&C! You guys bounce off each other nicely and the characters have great familiarity with one another.

link 4

Your autocorrect / phone hates u

Because you're a dick,” he replied, “and sometimes deserve a does of your own medicine.”

Dose =P

I don't like the mobile version and when I'm on my phone I use the regular -like right now- also try previewing your posts just to try and catch those tiny little mistakes.

Deadpool winced as sunlight struck his mask while exiting the tunnel. He shielded his eyes with a forearm, and surveyed their surroundings.

Nice little snippet.

John Holmes? You ship Johnlock?

#5

Your moving posts are nice and short, I feel like you don't lie about what they are, or try to mislead the reader about them with over saturation of the moment.

Deadpool imagined that Karl visited the area often, going from store to store, completely emptying each of their seasonal stocks to satisfy his taste of swagger. Employees trembled as they saw him near their doors, frightened at the prospect of doing the arduous task of removing everything from their shelves.

Lol

When you see the looks on women's faces as their eyes follow your bulge to your kneecaps, you'll see why you should wear skinny jeans.”

O-oh

”You, on the other hand, have bird legs; they look like someone attached two broomsticks to scarecrow to make it appear more humanoid.”

Very... Deadpool.

>"mercernay"

Horse mercenary.


If you want more, link me to your fight posts. Sorry my phone review is less good than usual.