Read It Back

[Gildarts]

Hi Good morning! Nice post! There's just a few tweaks that I'd fix grammar wise, and I do encourage a little growth of some sentences with details to bring the moment alive. He's seeing the world for the first time! It is immersive and real!

Writer's note. I use quotes just to help separate when I'm suggesting things, sorry if they break up the paragraphs, luckily you can delete my words and yours'll be back to normal and! back to being their best!

Sometimes when critiques are fine-tuned, we have another analytical set of eyes on our words and that can be a little daunting! Please don't feel that way! I want what is best for you and am here to help! Here goes.

Rep's post.

When he arrived in Camelot, the smell scent of fresh air assaulted Repliku’s nose. The air smelled purer and cleaner than any that he had ever inhaled before, making him stop near the gate and simply take a moment to breathe in.

It felt a little repetition-y (see italics), so I crossed out the first "smell" and put scent. Before scent you could also place another adjective too, to build upon, because when we changed the word, we changed the flavor of the sentence!

As he looked around the place and looked upwards he could see a floating island.

Small/ same deal here, we want to make sure the flow of the sentence is the best it can be! It is important when your character observes a new place for the first time. How do they feel when they see the island just sitting there in the air? Instead  "As he looked around," maybe coax a little more narration out of the character's perspective. Did the floating island make him feel particularly small because he couldn't summon a steed or otherwise pegasus?  

What was the name of the island that he was seeing? It appeared to be immense, and Repliku knew he’d have to get up there somehow. How though? His attempt to make anything out of Omnilium thus far had been a complete and absolute failure because he hadn’t been able to succeed as of yet. Worry shot through him like a needle would sew thread,(Nice visual!) as Repliku was now concerned. If he couldn’t master the skill of summoning things using Omnilium, was he even going to be able to hold his own against the presence of Heartless? Fear was an emotion the clone had never felt, but now was feeling in spades as he began to walk from the gate of Camelot further inwards. Black creatures swarmed around him in a group of fifteen, Repliku recognized them. These were "Shadows" which were the weakest form of Heartless. Scowling at the presence of them, Repliku knew he'd have to fight them off before he could continue on his journey.

This paragraph looks good, tensions are mounting at the end! The part I underlined I suggest you omit, only because you said it was a failure before you said he hadn't been able to succeed. You could shorten the sentence, or you could pose your character an internal question of something along the lines of- (though I'm not sure of your character's reasons) "Why? Why couldn't he focus? Was there something wrong with him?" Then I would say something about how the Omnillium had fizzled out when he had attempted to do it, this kind of shows the reader a visual and lets them go on Repliku's journey rather than just telling them that he hadn't been able to.

I liked the visual you painted when you said "Worry shot through him like a needle would sew thread" it was short and a really effective description.


Note! Sometimes when a new thread/storyline starts it is okay to repeat a few key facts in story, because when we jump from thread to another thread in character on a forum like this, a bit is lost. At the start of the Harry Potter books, JK Rowling always does a little "preview" / summary from her last book, even though the reader has read it, it serves purpose to jog their mind and people don't ever skip that part just because they know it before. The trick is to say it or explain in a new and enthralling way or just detail it different.

The fact they'd found him this soon though? It was worrying because he was nowhere near ready to engage them in combat. His power level was that of a beginner, and Repliku knew that if any more powerful Heartless showed up he was screwed. Slash, one of the Heartless dissipated but the heart didn't release from them.

My best friend plays KH and while I've watched her play it a few times. In the above, I want to suggest that maybe adding onto the sentence on how that is eerie or strange for the heart not to release.

Of course, the Soul Eater wasn't a key-blade. Repliku needed one of those, but what did the blades do again? He couldn't honestly remember, nor could he remember how Riku had summoned one of them. Many of his memories, especially any relating to how any members of the Organization fought, or how his template or Sora fought were missing from his head.

"how his template" is bold because I felt like there was a piece missing following it. I'm not sure where you were going so feel free to reply back so we can help fill it in!

The clone was irritated. Another one of the Heartless lunged at him, only to meet its end on Soul Eater. The more he destroyed of the Heartless, the more relaxed Repliku felt as if doing this was a natural thing for him. Still, he’d need an easier way to vanquish the Heartless as if any of them came in larger numbers, they’d be problematic. Once he had finished his fifteen pest problem, Repliku sighed. He should really get up to that floating island, and have a look around, to see if he could find anything worth reading. Maybe if he played his cards right, there would be some books on magic there that he could exploit. <Such as,>Trying to create a bridge or stairway up to Dalaran without any clue as to what he was doing, The Replica of Riku once more failed.

the last sentence is something I would tweak, adding "such as" to show that the following was an example of how he could use his Omnillium to get up to the floating island.

Here's how I would switch around your sentence so the flow of it is best.

[...that he could exploit] such as trying to create a bridge or stairway to Dalaran out of Omnillium. The Replica of Riku once again felt the weighing burden of failure.

I would not put a period between exploit and such as, instead I pushed the period further down.

"Damn it. Nothing I do is working,"  said the clone of Riku. "What does it take to master Omnilium properly?" 

Good ending! I like it when posts lead into their next ones, kind of like cliffhangers.

I wasn't sure what you wanted in the form of critique so I added some grammar clues and sentence suggestions. Let me know if you have any questions or want to add more detail and want to fine-tune it further.

Overall, other than the small repetition which everyone does at one point, I'd say you've got a great start. If I was to suggest something for you to take away, I would work on adding a little more visual to detail what the world around Repliku looks like.