04-19-2017, 09:38 PM
Well my problems pale in comparison to everything else here, and for some reason I feel safer posting here than talking to my perfectly-normal family.
I've always had problems with video-game communities. I've always felt obligated to work as hard as I can to be recognized and respected whenever I join a clan or guild or whatever. I always felt guilty as hell when I miss something or did something wrong. I recently became more active in a CSGO community, and I told myself: I want to work my way up the ranks. I want to make some friends and have fun. But whenever I join the server, and try to greet people, I get almost no responses. One day, when I joined and asked, "How is everyone's day today?" I got no response except for a simple "kys" 30seconds later. Additionally, there are two teams, one guards, and the others prisoners. I love playing guard, but if you do even the slightest thing wrong, kill someone when you're not supposed to, you will be yelled at, people will accuse you and curse at you, and you'll most likely be swapped to the other team, kicked, or banned. I've been playing this server for a couple weeks now, and many more months before I was inactive. The community has been advertised as a friendly community, where even the lowliest of members can be recognized. I may be the lowest ran, but I see many of the other people my rank be greeted and talked to regularly by the admins. But when I try to talk, more than often they just ignore me. Even if I compliment them.
Being the complicated person I am, these small rejections by these people I've never met hits me hard. Tonight I felt horrible. I played on a special event, and tried to socialize, but yet again (starting to see a pattern), I was ignored. I left to fix something, couldn't rejoin, and called it quits for the night. Now, sitting in bed going over it all, I feel like ranting and yelling at those people. I feel horrible. All I want is to be a part of a community. What the hell is wrong with me? Mostly I've just gotten cancerous screaming out of this community, yet I still send that next message, post that next forums comment, try to talk over voice chat to an audience I should know by now cares not for me. I realized today that I need t take a break from this server. But even with that realization, I still feel horrible. I never feel like I can talk about my strange video-game problems to other people, because I've never had many people who play the stuff I do. Yes I have friends, but trying to explain these foreign concepts to them seems wrong. I guess the only place I can talk about it is here. Really the only community I've stuck with for more than a few months, and probably one of the few I've felt like what I say is actually important. Recently my thoughts have strayed towards thoughts of my inadequacy, both in-game and irl. What I could have done better. How I should have done things differently. How my stupid words just make me look stupid and I feel stupid and I just want these stupid thoughts to get out of my stupid head. With the few friends I have, says my brain, one slip-up and they're all gone. I'd love to blame this on some disorder, or depression, but for the most part I feel fine. And as I delete yet another sentence, I realize I care too much about what people think of me online. But for now, I need to end this so I can sleep or I'll be even worse. My mind tells me that this is suicide, to talk about this, an attention-whoring thing. But maybe that's what I want. Maybe I just want someone to listen for once. Maybe I just want to be able to talk about my problems for once, even if it is anonymously.
I've always had problems with video-game communities. I've always felt obligated to work as hard as I can to be recognized and respected whenever I join a clan or guild or whatever. I always felt guilty as hell when I miss something or did something wrong. I recently became more active in a CSGO community, and I told myself: I want to work my way up the ranks. I want to make some friends and have fun. But whenever I join the server, and try to greet people, I get almost no responses. One day, when I joined and asked, "How is everyone's day today?" I got no response except for a simple "kys" 30seconds later. Additionally, there are two teams, one guards, and the others prisoners. I love playing guard, but if you do even the slightest thing wrong, kill someone when you're not supposed to, you will be yelled at, people will accuse you and curse at you, and you'll most likely be swapped to the other team, kicked, or banned. I've been playing this server for a couple weeks now, and many more months before I was inactive. The community has been advertised as a friendly community, where even the lowliest of members can be recognized. I may be the lowest ran, but I see many of the other people my rank be greeted and talked to regularly by the admins. But when I try to talk, more than often they just ignore me. Even if I compliment them.
Being the complicated person I am, these small rejections by these people I've never met hits me hard. Tonight I felt horrible. I played on a special event, and tried to socialize, but yet again (starting to see a pattern), I was ignored. I left to fix something, couldn't rejoin, and called it quits for the night. Now, sitting in bed going over it all, I feel like ranting and yelling at those people. I feel horrible. All I want is to be a part of a community. What the hell is wrong with me? Mostly I've just gotten cancerous screaming out of this community, yet I still send that next message, post that next forums comment, try to talk over voice chat to an audience I should know by now cares not for me. I realized today that I need t take a break from this server. But even with that realization, I still feel horrible. I never feel like I can talk about my strange video-game problems to other people, because I've never had many people who play the stuff I do. Yes I have friends, but trying to explain these foreign concepts to them seems wrong. I guess the only place I can talk about it is here. Really the only community I've stuck with for more than a few months, and probably one of the few I've felt like what I say is actually important. Recently my thoughts have strayed towards thoughts of my inadequacy, both in-game and irl. What I could have done better. How I should have done things differently. How my stupid words just make me look stupid and I feel stupid and I just want these stupid thoughts to get out of my stupid head. With the few friends I have, says my brain, one slip-up and they're all gone. I'd love to blame this on some disorder, or depression, but for the most part I feel fine. And as I delete yet another sentence, I realize I care too much about what people think of me online. But for now, I need to end this so I can sleep or I'll be even worse. My mind tells me that this is suicide, to talk about this, an attention-whoring thing. But maybe that's what I want. Maybe I just want someone to listen for once. Maybe I just want to be able to talk about my problems for once, even if it is anonymously.
Avatar courtesy of Jade Harley.