06-22-2018, 08:42 AM
I know this isn’t the most, like, comforting thing to hear, probably, but losing a job and losing a psychiatrist who don’t take you seriously and treat you like the true blue human being you are, Joe, is probably for the better. I’m still struggling with something similar.
The year I ended up leaving the OV (2015/2016) was the same year I was doing my apprenticeship at a theatre. I had sort of experienced mild anxiety symptoms before doing that, but the way I was treated that year exacerbated it. I committed so hard to getting in their good graces that I volunteered for extra duties all the time, just bc I loved them and wanted them to see my face, and lost my day job about it, lost touch with my friends here about it, and lost my sense of self-worth. They were telling me I wasn’t leading man material, talking behind my back about how they doubted I’d be successful as an actor after leaving there at the end of my contract, and telling me that in order to be successful I had to do things like change my speaking voice.
When my apprenticeship ended in 2016, they dropped me like yesterday’s trash. They barely came to support projects I was cast in (because I WAS more successful than they anticipated) and have yet to hire me for anything else, most of the time not even letting me audition even though I donated hundreds of hours of my time — for free — to them and until late last year continued to do so, volunteering there whenever they needed help.
That apathy from them destroyed me. I spent every waking moment trying to figure out which career move was going to get them to notice me again, to pay attention to me. I started having panic attacks because of the debilitating effect their words and their ignoring of me had on my self esteem.
Eventually, I had to decide to just separate myself from it. I don’t go there anymore. I audition if they call me in, but I don’t volunteer there, I don’t reach out to the people who hurt me, I just reach out to my friends. I still find myself jockeying for their approval sometimes and I have to shut that down. They’re a really prominent theatre here with lots of cool stuff happening, but interacting with them isn’t a healthy mode of operation for me anymore. I still regularly feel like shit because of them, and I can’t deal with that anymore. Sometimes situations just aren’t right for us, and it’s hard, and leaves us wondering what the hell to attach ourselves to next, but I’m slowly finding other things to help me hold myself up. Coming back to the site was a big healing thing for me, and I know that sometimes even being here can get frustrating for you, but at the core you’ve got a community of friends who absolutely adore you and will support you and help you with whatever steps you need to take, whether that’s finding a better therapist or psychiatrist or job, and we’ll be standing right here through all of that no matter what.
The year I ended up leaving the OV (2015/2016) was the same year I was doing my apprenticeship at a theatre. I had sort of experienced mild anxiety symptoms before doing that, but the way I was treated that year exacerbated it. I committed so hard to getting in their good graces that I volunteered for extra duties all the time, just bc I loved them and wanted them to see my face, and lost my day job about it, lost touch with my friends here about it, and lost my sense of self-worth. They were telling me I wasn’t leading man material, talking behind my back about how they doubted I’d be successful as an actor after leaving there at the end of my contract, and telling me that in order to be successful I had to do things like change my speaking voice.
When my apprenticeship ended in 2016, they dropped me like yesterday’s trash. They barely came to support projects I was cast in (because I WAS more successful than they anticipated) and have yet to hire me for anything else, most of the time not even letting me audition even though I donated hundreds of hours of my time — for free — to them and until late last year continued to do so, volunteering there whenever they needed help.
That apathy from them destroyed me. I spent every waking moment trying to figure out which career move was going to get them to notice me again, to pay attention to me. I started having panic attacks because of the debilitating effect their words and their ignoring of me had on my self esteem.
Eventually, I had to decide to just separate myself from it. I don’t go there anymore. I audition if they call me in, but I don’t volunteer there, I don’t reach out to the people who hurt me, I just reach out to my friends. I still find myself jockeying for their approval sometimes and I have to shut that down. They’re a really prominent theatre here with lots of cool stuff happening, but interacting with them isn’t a healthy mode of operation for me anymore. I still regularly feel like shit because of them, and I can’t deal with that anymore. Sometimes situations just aren’t right for us, and it’s hard, and leaves us wondering what the hell to attach ourselves to next, but I’m slowly finding other things to help me hold myself up. Coming back to the site was a big healing thing for me, and I know that sometimes even being here can get frustrating for you, but at the core you’ve got a community of friends who absolutely adore you and will support you and help you with whatever steps you need to take, whether that’s finding a better therapist or psychiatrist or job, and we’ll be standing right here through all of that no matter what.
![[Image: 2agonyw.png]](http://i68.tinypic.com/2agonyw.png)