05-07-2018, 11:32 PM
Hey Guys, I'll be doing your thread post by post so. Heeeeeere we go.
Kakashi
With your first post I have absolutely no negtive comments. The post is well polished. My only criticism is that your work is a little intimidating to readers who aren't familiar with Naruto. You use the lingo, which is fair, frequently and from two Naruto writers I would expect a lot of it. An idea I have would maybe be to have a post in your roster defining your frequently used terms. This would make it easier for someone who was interested to read your post.
Minato
This is more funny than an actual comment but
Has me imagining Minato just taking a reeeaaally long sip. Just like slurping on his tea for an uncomfortable amount of time. Okay back on track.
Hi me again. Small thing but I honestly don't see how Minato's being harsh.
It's weird to describe your character as "the man sat down" cause then it makes it seem like we aren't following your character anymore.
uh oh. cute girl. Free tea. MINATO GOT POISONED
This made me think that the waitress was dead not your wife. i had to reread it a few times.
Small comment again but if you switched the writing of events as the bumping and then the "Watch where you're going it would be smoother.
Kakashi
Your use of synonyms was very good with my mental image
This post was super smooth, super entertaining. Keep it up yo. This shit is da bomb.
Minato
Er. So there's something off about this sentence. i can't put my finger on it. Maybe if it was rephrased somehow? I apologize for not being able to tell you what.
It just read weird. You said there were only two possibilities and the reader knew which one it was. And then you explain to us through dialogue he was snuck up on. This would be great if you didn't just hit the reader in the face with the evidence.
Kakashiiiiiiiiii
okay i'm gettin a feeling that Kito is a fucking tratior. DONT DO IT KID. DONT YOU DO IT
What assholes. How dare they.
Again this post is still solid. You seem to have a strong suit of describing your environment. It creates a great mental picture.
MIIIIINAAATTOOOOOOOO
STOP DESCRIBING YOURSELF AS THE MAN. THERE ARE SO MANY MORE DESCRIPTIVE NAMES.
JUST.
DON'T.
YOU DO IT AGAIN
STOP!!!!
AGAAAAAAIN NOOOOOOOO STOOOOP ITTTTTT.
Okay so this spost is really good. But one thing that you often speak what your character thinks. Maybe there are different ways you could demonstrate that to the reader other than dialogue.Facial expressions and other forms of communication would be good.
For example you say
You could add in like, The former kage let out a sigh of defeat, maybe Kito wasn't wrong after all. Not saying mine is better but vary it up a bit.
KAAAAKAAAASHIIIIII
Small comment. Your first paragraph has a lot of long sentences. It makes feel a bit wordy.
Try and avoid passive sentences. It just seems weird.
Oh shit the footprints. It's a mystery. spooooky
Good post again.
Kakashi again-
You just move on. You shoud at least say "I don't know"
Clever Girl @Kito
Nice job overall building the relationship dynamic and making kito more developed..
Minato? Minato?! MINATOOOOOOOO!
OH NOOOOOOO THE MAAAAAAN AGAAAAIIIIIN.
NOOOO AND AGAIIIIN.STOP DESCRIBING PEOPLE AS THE MAN AND THE WOMAN
Ha Minato is trying to be all sstrong after he just got punched.
I should start calling you MANato
I'm just being picky.
Your posts are good. You just...you describe Minato as a man...way...too much.
Kakashi
Who is the genin. What does this meaaaan?
WHAT'S A JONIN
Otherwise its a pretty good post.
Minato
How can a hum be fluorescent?
Good post overall tho good exposition.
The rest of the thread is a lot better with a few of the same comments spotted in their.
Overall excellent read guys
Kakashi
With your first post I have absolutely no negtive comments. The post is well polished. My only criticism is that your work is a little intimidating to readers who aren't familiar with Naruto. You use the lingo, which is fair, frequently and from two Naruto writers I would expect a lot of it. An idea I have would maybe be to have a post in your roster defining your frequently used terms. This would make it easier for someone who was interested to read your post.
Minato
This is more funny than an actual comment but
Quote: With Kakashi taking initiative, that left Minato and Kito to find their own target. The blonde sipped at his hot beverage as he eyed the papers over. A pair of names stood out to him, Ai and Haru. Their roles labelled them as the head of the family. He took a moment to look over their daily activities before speaking to the young shinobi that sat with him.
'Ai and Haru Miu, are they her parents?' Minato asked, still sipping from his cup.
Has me imagining Minato just taking a reeeaaally long sip. Just like slurping on his tea for an uncomfortable amount of time. Okay back on track.
Quote:'That's not how these things work. It's never as black and white as you think it is.' the blonde responded, it was harsh,
Hi me again. Small thing but I honestly don't see how Minato's being harsh.
It's weird to describe your character as "the man sat down" cause then it makes it seem like we aren't following your character anymore.
uh oh. cute girl. Free tea. MINATO GOT POISONED
Quote: He felt guilty. He was alive, and flirting with waitresses to get free food and drinks, while she was most definitely dead.
This made me think that the waitress was dead not your wife. i had to reread it a few times.
Quote:'Hey, watch where you're going.' A gruff voice snapped. Minato had bumped shoulders with someone and knocked them back a little.
Small comment again but if you switched the writing of events as the bumping and then the "Watch where you're going it would be smoother.
Kakashi
Quote: BwooooooowW---what. What is this sound. It made me laugh haha. I have no idea what this sounds like
Your use of synonyms was very good with my mental image
This post was super smooth, super entertaining. Keep it up yo. This shit is da bomb.
Minato
Quote:Minato pushed, gently, against the large wooden doors that sat before the Morikage's office. They opened slowly, a rather loud creak emanating from them as they swung open.
Er. So there's something off about this sentence. i can't put my finger on it. Maybe if it was rephrased somehow? I apologize for not being able to tell you what.
Quote:Kakashi wasn't the type to leave his tools just lying about like this. If he'd been here, then someone had either snuck up on the man, or he was leaving a trail for his partner. Minato stood, placing the shuriken in the tool pouch on his backside, and looked around.
'No trace of any other shuriken... Guess someone caught him off guard.'
It just read weird. You said there were only two possibilities and the reader knew which one it was. And then you explain to us through dialogue he was snuck up on. This would be great if you didn't just hit the reader in the face with the evidence.
Kakashiiiiiiiiii
okay i'm gettin a feeling that Kito is a fucking tratior. DONT DO IT KID. DONT YOU DO IT
Quote: Clearly whomever was holding the ninjas captive cared little for providing any homey touches. T
What assholes. How dare they.
Again this post is still solid. You seem to have a strong suit of describing your environment. It creates a great mental picture.
MIIIIINAAATTOOOOOOOO
STOP DESCRIBING YOURSELF AS THE MAN. THERE ARE SO MANY MORE DESCRIPTIVE NAMES.
JUST.
DON'T.
YOU DO IT AGAIN
STOP!!!!
AGAAAAAAIN NOOOOOOOO STOOOOP ITTTTTT.
Okay so this spost is really good. But one thing that you often speak what your character thinks. Maybe there are different ways you could demonstrate that to the reader other than dialogue.Facial expressions and other forms of communication would be good.
For example you say
Quote:"'So Kito was right...' the former kage muttered to himself.
You could add in like, The former kage let out a sigh of defeat, maybe Kito wasn't wrong after all. Not saying mine is better but vary it up a bit.
KAAAAKAAAASHIIIIII
Small comment. Your first paragraph has a lot of long sentences. It makes feel a bit wordy.
Quote:The unconscious body of Kito came into view
Try and avoid passive sentences. It just seems weird.
Oh shit the footprints. It's a mystery. spooooky
Good post again.
Kakashi again-
Quote:“But if you could see the others, why not these?” The genin furrowed his brow, thinking for a moment. Sighing, he tipped his head back and glanced up at the cobwebbed rafters; they too were of no help to him.
You just move on. You shoud at least say "I don't know"
Clever Girl @Kito
Nice job overall building the relationship dynamic and making kito more developed..
Minato? Minato?! MINATOOOOOOOO!
OH NOOOOOOO THE MAAAAAAN AGAAAAIIIIIN.
NOOOO AND AGAIIIIN.STOP DESCRIBING PEOPLE AS THE MAN AND THE WOMAN
Ha Minato is trying to be all sstrong after he just got punched.
I should start calling you MANato
Quote: chocked
I'm just being picky.
Your posts are good. You just...you describe Minato as a man...way...too much.
Kakashi
Who is the genin. What does this meaaaan?
WHAT'S A JONIN
Otherwise its a pretty good post.
Minato
How can a hum be fluorescent?
Good post overall tho good exposition.
The rest of the thread is a lot better with a few of the same comments spotted in their.
Overall excellent read guys