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NEO HYPER Book Club #6 (6th May - 20th May) - Daniel - 05-06-2018
Welcome to the Omniverse Book Club! Here, we put up a new completed topic every fortnight to read and review. By participating you'll earn a bonus 300 OM (subject to change) and you'll be able to suggest a topic of your own for the next fortnight. Aside from the helpful feedback, subjects of the book club will receive a Great or Exemplary bonus for their storyline if they qualify. :omni:
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[url=http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=0]Link to topic - name[/url]
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Quest or Personal Storyline?
Participating characters (please list):And finally ....
THIS FORTNIGHT'S STORY
This fortnight we have a thread... that is all. I welcome Minato Namikaze and Kakashi Hatake to the stage! An Imperial Influence
No Word count this time, Not worrying about grading this time around because the thread's not finished. Just doing it for the Review.
Note: Yes this is shameless self promotion, but hey, we need feedback too. Also it's quite lengthy so, like, just read as much as you can and review that.
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #6 (6th May - 20th May) - Wyatt the Swift - 05-07-2018
Hey Guys, I'll be doing your thread post by post so. Heeeeeere we go.
Kakashi
With your first post I have absolutely no negtive comments. The post is well polished. My only criticism is that your work is a little intimidating to readers who aren't familiar with Naruto. You use the lingo, which is fair, frequently and from two Naruto writers I would expect a lot of it. An idea I have would maybe be to have a post in your roster defining your frequently used terms. This would make it easier for someone who was interested to read your post.
Minato
This is more funny than an actual comment but
Quote: With Kakashi taking initiative, that left Minato and Kito to find their own target. The blonde sipped at his hot beverage as he eyed the papers over. A pair of names stood out to him, Ai and Haru. Their roles labelled them as the head of the family. He took a moment to look over their daily activities before speaking to the young shinobi that sat with him.
'Ai and Haru Miu, are they her parents?' Minato asked, still sipping from his cup.
Has me imagining Minato just taking a reeeaaally long sip. Just like slurping on his tea for an uncomfortable amount of time. Okay back on track.
Quote:'That's not how these things work. It's never as black and white as you think it is.' the blonde responded, it was harsh,
Hi me again. Small thing but I honestly don't see how Minato's being harsh.
It's weird to describe your character as "the man sat down" cause then it makes it seem like we aren't following your character anymore.
uh oh. cute girl. Free tea. MINATO GOT POISONED
Quote: He felt guilty. He was alive, and flirting with waitresses to get free food and drinks, while she was most definitely dead.
This made me think that the waitress was dead not your wife. i had to reread it a few times.
Quote:'Hey, watch where you're going.' A gruff voice snapped. Minato had bumped shoulders with someone and knocked them back a little.
Small comment again but if you switched the writing of events as the bumping and then the "Watch where you're going it would be smoother.
Kakashi
Quote: BwooooooowW---what. What is this sound. It made me laugh haha. I have no idea what this sounds like
Your use of synonyms was very good with my mental image
This post was super smooth, super entertaining. Keep it up yo. This shit is da bomb.
Minato
Quote:Minato pushed, gently, against the large wooden doors that sat before the Morikage's office. They opened slowly, a rather loud creak emanating from them as they swung open.
Er. So there's something off about this sentence. i can't put my finger on it. Maybe if it was rephrased somehow? I apologize for not being able to tell you what.
Quote:Kakashi wasn't the type to leave his tools just lying about like this. If he'd been here, then someone had either snuck up on the man, or he was leaving a trail for his partner. Minato stood, placing the shuriken in the tool pouch on his backside, and looked around.
'No trace of any other shuriken... Guess someone caught him off guard.'
It just read weird. You said there were only two possibilities and the reader knew which one it was. And then you explain to us through dialogue he was snuck up on. This would be great if you didn't just hit the reader in the face with the evidence.
Kakashiiiiiiiiii
okay i'm gettin a feeling that Kito is a fucking tratior. DONT DO IT KID. DONT YOU DO IT
Quote: Clearly whomever was holding the ninjas captive cared little for providing any homey touches. T
What assholes. How dare they.
Again this post is still solid. You seem to have a strong suit of describing your environment. It creates a great mental picture.
MIIIIINAAATTOOOOOOOO
STOP DESCRIBING YOURSELF AS THE MAN. THERE ARE SO MANY MORE DESCRIPTIVE NAMES.
JUST.
DON'T.
YOU DO IT AGAIN
STOP!!!!
AGAAAAAAIN NOOOOOOOO STOOOOP ITTTTTT.
Okay so this spost is really good. But one thing that you often speak what your character thinks. Maybe there are different ways you could demonstrate that to the reader other than dialogue.Facial expressions and other forms of communication would be good.
For example you say
Quote:"'So Kito was right...' the former kage muttered to himself.
You could add in like, The former kage let out a sigh of defeat, maybe Kito wasn't wrong after all. Not saying mine is better but vary it up a bit.
KAAAAKAAAASHIIIIII
Small comment. Your first paragraph has a lot of long sentences. It makes feel a bit wordy.
Quote:The unconscious body of Kito came into view
Try and avoid passive sentences. It just seems weird.
Oh shit the footprints. It's a mystery. spooooky
Good post again.
Kakashi again-
Quote:“But if you could see the others, why not these?” The genin furrowed his brow, thinking for a moment. Sighing, he tipped his head back and glanced up at the cobwebbed rafters; they too were of no help to him.
You just move on. You shoud at least say "I don't know"
Clever Girl @Kito
Nice job overall building the relationship dynamic and making kito more developed..
Minato? Minato?! MINATOOOOOOOO!
OH NOOOOOOO THE MAAAAAAN AGAAAAIIIIIN.
NOOOO AND AGAIIIIN.STOP DESCRIBING PEOPLE AS THE MAN AND THE WOMAN
Ha Minato is trying to be all sstrong after he just got punched.
I should start calling you MANato
Quote: chocked
I'm just being picky.
Your posts are good. You just...you describe Minato as a man...way...too much.
Kakashi
Who is the genin. What does this meaaaan?
WHAT'S A JONIN
Otherwise its a pretty good post.
Minato
How can a hum be fluorescent?
Good post overall tho good exposition.
The rest of the thread is a lot better with a few of the same comments spotted in their.
Overall excellent read guys
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #6 (6th May - 20th May) - Shantotto - 05-11-2018
Okay so this is my first Neo book club review and going over each post with a fine-tooth comb would over scrutinize whatever flaws I found so I'm going to take a moment to highlight the things that I really did enjoy about this thread.
You are both excellent writers and for the most part we're able to describe locations and events in a way that was a vivid and colorful while displaying the true dark nature of the events taking place.
Each post was a good length and realized just enough information to the reader to keep the aura of mystery around and making the reader want more.
The writing styles of both authors complimented each other creating a great depth to each interaction be it with no name NPCs as well as interactions between Kito and the two Ninjas. I would also like to take a moment to point out that both writers did an amazing job portraying their character as human and mortal each time a flaw was displayed it was done so in a believable manner.
I was a fan of the use of a doppelganger or rather pair of doppelgangers as a sort of ending note and the cliffhanger ending made me want to read the continuation.
Onto the things that would recommend taking a look at and possibly improving on.
"The silver-haired Ninja"
The silver haired ninja the silver haired ninja the silver-haired Ninja. I'm not a big fan of the Naruto fan base but I can tell you that there are way more ways to describe kakashi as the silver-haired Ninja
In addition to the overuse of the term silver haired ninja I found several dialogues to have strange wording or at least an awkward flow
There was also a lot of use of Naruto ninja terminology that was confusing namely the use of work like genin and Jonin.
That's said. I do not feel that these are major concerns and they do not take away from the prime examples of good storytelling nor do they lesson the impact of each character's action and I would definitely nominate both writers for an exemplary bonus
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #6 (6th May - 20th May) - Yu Kanda - 05-12-2018
Review time!
First of all, after reading the two other reviews i wanted to start by saying, as someone who watched naruto i was able to follow all the references like Jonin, chunin etc etc. When i am reading for example Lord of the Rings, i wouldn’t want to read in each and every chapter that the ring Frodo has is magical. Or that Saruman is a wizard. What i’m trying to say is that when characters are this far along in their story they shouldn’t have to explain what a jounin or chunin is. It’s something they explained in previous stories ( i’ve read them in the past.) I would find it very strange to explain the same thing in every post just to make sure someone who reads pages 154 and 155 knows what we’re talking about. So in my book you’re all good there fellas.
Now onto the real deal
I have to say, i have to be really nitpicky in order to find things that i could “point out flaws” I had to dig deep to find things you could improve. Hope these help, but i did thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Let’s start with giving you both a big compliment for ‘scene setting’. Both you guys managed to paint a setting without either dragging it out or cramping it into one sentence. These particular parts had a very nice flow to it and allowed me as a reader to breeze through it as the setting came to mind.
Quote:Having discarded the bits of rope and cloth that had so recently held him captive, Kakashi took time to examine his cell. Though quite dark, owing to the lack of windows or any sort of lighting fixture, he could see that his surroundings were indeed as he had noted with his sharingan. The walls seemed to be composed of some variety of sturdy composite, quite alien compared to those of the typical village abode. His senses told him the floor of the room was either a barren square of earth or else stone flooring filthy to the point of being indistinguishable from the former. Clearly whomever was holding the ninjas captive cared little for providing any homey touches.
Daniel’s character growth throughout this story was very well done,
Quote:‘Why haven’t you used my power yet?’ The beast questioned one of the creature’s eyes appearing from the thick covering of darkness. A Blood red iris with a black, vertical, slit for a pupil, a sight that the man had not seen for quite a while. A sight that he’d hoped not to see anytime soon. He was, to say the least, not happy to see the creature.
Quote:‘It’s not like you, Nine Tails, to be this talkative.’ The man mused, almost letting out a laugh. Though the beast did raise an interesting question. He’d been in the Omniverse for a while and the enemies he’s had to face so far had only increased in strength, the Makhel family leader and the two empire spies were a testament to that fact. He and his allies had managed so far, but the people they faced seemed to only be getting tougher. The gigantic fox let out an impatient sigh. Minato turned to the beast and smiled.
‘You know, I might have to in the future…’ The man spoke with an oddly soothing tone. Something that the fox didn’t expect. ‘But for now, we’ll have to stay separated.’ Minato turned, placing a hand over his bellybutton.
I loved this, just a few sentences but the character growth is truly noticeable. Very well done and well written.
The story is clearly well thought out and this makes the flow of reading it quite pleasant. There have been a few moments where i had to reread a few bits which kicked me out of this flow. A few examples:
Quote:Kakashi fought against overpowering nausea as consciousness trickled back. His enfeebled mind struggled to provide him with any useful information, failing to even parse the positioning of his disabled body as he drew dangerously slow and short breaths. He felt as if he were awash in a sea of white noise, bobbing along erratically within the nonsensical static. After several moments of tumultuous tumbling in the distorted current, his hearing slowly began to return, outpacing the ability to so much as flex any voluntary muscle.
I get what you’re trying to say and what you try to bring across, but personally i thought it was a bit much. It’s written amazing but it was too much. ( again, my personal opinion, others might and will probably disagree.)
Quote:The man stared intently at his hands, examining them. They ached and, beneath the bandages, were covered in cuts and chakra burns. His new jutsu, the Rasenshuriken, was something else. He’d have to take further caution when using it in the future. The name was a bit much, but it did take the shape of a shuriken, and he had grown quite fond of giving his techniques complicated names. It was one of his many quirks. His analysis, however, was cut short as a cough interrupted his train of thought. Looking up, he was reminded of the fact that he shared a hospital room. He had almost forgotten about the two Empire agents that he had confronted earlier. They appeared to have it much worse than he did. It seemed that a direct hit from the Rasenshuriken had a much more severe effect.
Quote:‘Laugh it up, blondie.’ the woman coughed through her bandages. He couldn't really see past the coverings around her face but her eyes glinted in the moonlight. She was glaring at him or, at the very least, trying her best to.Few things that i would like to point out as a tip. In the first paragraph, you say He, him and the man a lot, What man? Kakashi? Minato? The neighbour? It would have been helpful to mention his name at least once in that paragraph, would make it less confusing. ( I had that issue there for just a moment)
Second paragraph, she felt a bit out of character there with the dialogue.( again, this is just me trying to find ANY pointers in a well written story )
Also...Daniel….I don’t know how, but this:
Quote:'So, what did you discover?' Tsunade queried as she crossed her legs and sat back in her chair besides the bed ridden blonde.Totally reminded me of basic instinct xD not really a review but i just had to share it!
Thank you for this story! And keep this level of quality up. Both writers should receive a excellent bonus ( If they have the word count
didn’t check that.)
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #6 (6th May - 20th May) - Yu Kanda - 05-19-2018
I would like to add a suggestion, a wonderfull and strong read for anyone looking to improve. It's an NPC by the name of Christa, written by Gildarts:
Summon, or she dies
Let's keep this bookclub going. It helps you as a writer! Keep them going Daniel! great work.
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #6 (6th May - 20th May) - Alex - 05-19-2018
So I’m going into this thread with little-to-zero background knowledge on either the canon version of the characters or your portrayals in the OV (we didn’t buddy up in the graveyard until the end!)
That said, I really enjoyed this thread, for a few reasons. Primarily, this is an area of the Tangled Green that I have very little background in. Much like some of the sub-zones in the VD, the Naruto stuff wasn’t my forte, so I wasn’t able to do much with it during the general lore development. That makes this fun to read, because I don’t find myself ‘backseat reading’ and nitpicking stuff (I’m serious – I’m really bad about that in Coruscant the Darkshire).
But the real reason I like your thread is that it just feels different from a lot of other stuff I’ve read. We have plenty of ‘smash-and-grab’ action threads in the OV. Where the plot usually rotates around punching and killing and drama. On the other hand, we also have plenty of ‘slice of (quirky) quality of life’ storyline, where ‘Zany Character X’ does goofy, mundane things or silly versions of normal things. It’s a real hoot. While this story had some high drama in the background (Empire shenanigans, blackmail, some action sequences), I felt like the majority of it rotated around the investigation and the more cerebral aspects of Kakashi and Minato. This feels like a procedural cop show, with our two heroes trying to piece together a mystery. While I was a bit overwhelmed by all the ninja/Naruto terms, it didn’t really drown me out or stop me from enjoying everything.
(It’s possible that other writers have wrote similarly themed stories, and I missed them. So if you have, I apologize)
I think the only critique-y thing I want to say is that I’m not a fan of how you format dialogue, Daniel. I’d try and experiment with formatting spoken dialogue and thoughts differently. I kept reading things out loud even though the next clause would be ‘thought’ or something.
Stream of Consciousness Babble in spoiler tags.
[spoiler]
Post 1 – Kak
From the get-go, I found myself interested in reading more. As I said, Naruto is something I know next to nothing about. I know next to nothing about the Ninja Village either. So yea. Who’s the third person in the trio?
OH LAWL ITS KITO #DANIELOG
So is the NV (Ninja Village) large? Are there a bunch of other districts? I’m curious to learn more, even if I might not, because yinz probably laid that out in one of your other various threads XD
“I THINK I’LL HAVE MY MARK” LOL I GET IT EVEN IF IT ISN’T A JOKE
Horse carriages. Now I’m beginning to imagine some type of Victorian ninja town in the woods.
Very nice set-up. Created some intrigue. Left me wondering wtf exactly is gonna happen.
Post 2 – Min
I’m curious to know how many baby steps Kito has taken during his training under Minato (KEKEKE)
This might sound goofy, but I was half-expecting the rooftops of ninja town to be as active as the streets below? With other ninjas just parkouring about on their way to work or whatnot.
Clearly, Kito is still a bit of a scrub. You’d think he would have learned in the span of these years. Git got, scrub-boi.
I like the subtle details the two of you give to help establish the surroundings. It helps remind me that this is an eastern-style area, and I think that’s important. It helps the place feel different than some ho-hum area in Coruscant or Camelot. It’s a small but nice touch.
Quote: A young, feminine, voice queried. The blonde looked up at a young woman in a long dress and apron standing in front of him, smiling.
You don’t need that second comma after feminine. You just need one comma between the two adjectives.
Minato has a dead wife/GF? She die here or in Naruto-verse? Now he’s conflicted if he should eggplant or not? Seventeen knows his struggles, man. Damn Omniverse.
Dunno if you missed it or not, but you may want to use a line break before the text of the note.
I noticed you use single quote marks for both dialogue and thoughts? That was a bit confusing. I’d recommend “ “ for dialogue, and I tend to do thoughts in italics. Some people have their own conventions/symbols, though, but I might avoid the single quotes, since they pop up a lot in normal text.
Post 3 – Kak
Storage scroll? That’s pretty cool
Uh oh
Interesting with the out-of-body bit. Thus far, this is reading like a rather entertaining spy/ninja-thriller.
Post 4 – Min
Again, I know nothing about this stuff. It amuses me that this lady hates paperwork. Who likes paperwork? It’s paperwork. It’s the worst. That’s what lackeys are for.
While I found it strange that the prints/tracks hadn’t been disturbed yet, I really liked the detective scene here. As someone who usually writes high-tech adventures, this is a pretty entertaining alternative.
Post 5 – Kak
Walkie-talkies? Surely, there is a ninja version.
Curious where the ‘scarecrow’ noun comes from. Feels like something lore-related.
Again, it’s amusing for me, a mostly scifi writing her in omni-world, to see the low-tech/magic-ninja equivalent of ‘technomumbojumbo’ as Kakashi muses about ink and opening that magically sealed door.
Post 6 – Min
Y’all blew something up in a previous thread, didn’t you? Jerks
Ahh, beautiful blackmail. How fun. I like that this lends credence to the fact that Kito is a decent person, and not just some naïve idjit. You always have to assume that someone is innocent until they’ve been revealed to be a giant asshole in need of banishment (#ProtoManLogic)
It’s nice to see that Minato isn’t the type to rush in. I feel like many people would have just had their character rush in, WTF scrub people, and win the day. I enjoy that Minato was the type to be like “Let me go take this back to my boss and see what we should do.”
Post 7 and 8 – Kak
I like the contrast between Kakashi and Minato. The over-arching storyline is the same, but the two characters feel different to me, at least at this point. Maybe it’s only because they’ve done different things. I look forward to seeing both in action once the investigation phase concludes.
Love the little ‘the incomplete symbol is a lock mechanism’ thing.
Scarecrow on a giant doggo? Excellent.
Post 9 – Min
I was just thinking of violence, and then Minato got kerplowed in the face.
Very fun fight scene, even if I still haven’t gotten my head around all of the terms and whatnot. Surprising to see Minato get treated, but it creates some doubts and intrigues as the plot moves forward.
Post 10 – Kak
Nice spin with the sonic tech. Feels like a small throwback to the graveyard verse, because didn’t you two both have weapons like that?
I really enjoy the pacing of this thread.
Post 11 – Min and Post 12 - Kak
Very modern hospital, it seems. Florescent lights. Charts.
Still haven’t been able to get a bead on the type of person Tsunade is, but I enjoyed the development here of the overall plot. Watching them think through everything and try to plan their next steps.
Post 13 – Min
I love that they put him in a hospital room with the two people he beat the crap out of.
This post added some nice layers to Minato (at least ones that a first-time reader wouldn’t be exposed to), but I really think you need to mix up how you format dialogue. That’s the only real advice I can give you as a reader.
Post 14 – Kak
Yea, Kito was a Naruto OC from the future, wasn’t he? Interesting bit there.
Also, very entertaining that Minato just played asleep and managed to accrue the information he needed.
Post 15 – Min
Scan the dust?! I really want to just see you two go to Coruscant and do some sort of “Tier 5 Noire” storyline.
I mean, it makes sense that you had that idea to do a Law and Order parody show all those years ago. This thread has a lot of traces of investigative writing, clues, etc. It’s a very nice, slow burn that contrasts with a lot of other thread types here. Well done.
Post 16 – Kak
This feels like a pretty intense conflict brewing. The characters have a very nice combat style that meshes well and makes for entertaining writing. [/spoiler]
I'd recommend 'Sense and Sensibilities and Stormtroopers' for a future book club. It's a cool thread.
OM to the Borg.
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #6 (6th May - 20th May) - Daniel - 05-20-2018
This Book Club is closed, will update here when OM has been given out.
Borg- 300
Atelos- 300
Yu Kanda 300
Shantotto 300
---Wyatt Edit