Read It Back

[Stephan Donnel]

First off, thanks for reading through my crappy excuse of a writing.

Small suggestion, change “the eye” to his eyes, it keeps with the already established pattern in the previous sentence.

He kind of only has one that can adjust to anything.

Another one is to use “quotation marks” even when you are identifying with color. Personally, I prefer to keep away from bold or color, as it can get distracting, but I will use italics for emphasis and thought.

I fixed that later, as I saw it wasn't really working out, I guess you noticed that.

during the middle I wasn’t sure how Stephan was doing.

Intended effect actually.

Hmm, I noticed you frequently separate your dialogue with a hyphen, usually and correctly, it will be separated the way you were quoted above, or with a comma in front or just before the quotation marks end.

That is a Russian thing really. We handle those a bit differently. I noticed that in other posts around the sites and it was also pointed out to me, so I later changed how I handle this.

I liked what happened right here, so much was said in so very little, and that conciseness was really awesome to me, the reader. Caution/something to keep in mind: be careful with perspective. With a new paragraph, it became Sarge’s thoughts. I wasn’t sure what he was directly thinking, and was he felt, so just keep in mind that separators make it easier and more concise (even just italics) for the reader to understand. We want a fluent paragraph that narrates and describes what is going on. Anything less would be restricting to the story we are trying to tell and our audience’s imagination.

That, once again, intended.

It was a firm ending, however, I felt like “really” could have been omitted or replaced by something else, as I felt it was indecisive on his action.. An example to change the mood would be, “Not daring to look back.” which implies hesitation, or “Not bothering to look back.” which implies he has something (a bright future) to look forward to.

Now, this one, I fucked up in the extreme. I intended some sort of drawn-out transition to travel, but I was extremely tired (and wanted to get the post out today) and wrapped it up to the point where it is just a gurglegurgle of "he did a thing".

Before I continue, about halfway through, I felt you got a little better with your dialogue and diction, which cleared up a bit of the cohesion for the reader. Did something change? I felt the quality grew in just a short time alone, that most of my suggestions above were less relevant afterward. somysuggestionsaren’tallrelevantanymore

It is a thing that happens to me... don't really know how to explain it.

Plot! and other things... Where will he go from there? I was left curious, and was interested to see if you had another thread going, and very intrigued as to what you would and could do to continue. What are some of your ideas for him? I really like the way his character has grown in such a short time and a short thread.

I'll be putting up a "story-line" thing in his profile soon, so getting to know him will be easier.

good luck in the future Stephan!

As of this post he is stuck in 1v4 in the "New Babylon clusterfuck" as it came to be referred to.