Read It Back

[Gildarts]

Second opinion coming right up!

Below, I put some grammatical errors or suggestions I had in bold, but it seemed very clean of those when I was reading. There's also a few points of reflection I touched on as I was reading

[spoiler]

Daxter needed to be a distraction. Keep New Babylon busy with other problems, and then gather what he needed to survive. He kept a sharp tree spear on his back from the Tangled greens. The courtyard blared with alarms. The area quickly filled with New Babylon’s soldiers trying to block all the exits. Thinking to himself and looking at Demetri, cautiousness filled the Ottsel’s eyes as Demetri nodded to him as he nodded back.

This part was clearly delineated, and was good with the imagery to help summarize what was going on, and where soldiers, and Primes were going.

As Daxter ran, one of New babylon’s slower runners had put up some (instead of some, use "a") wall of energy that left the ottsel to crash into. That annoyed him, but it wouldn’t stop him from his goals. Erik grabbed him from his tail turning him upside down, staring at him but a chain smacked Erik on his shoulder, and a stab mark left Erik slower making Daxter’s escape all the easier. Turning his ass around, it was time to draw blood. Playing with fire only leaves burns. This meant in Daxter’s terms that he’d draw it first. Daxter’s claws came out and gritted his teeth “THIS IS FOR JAK and DEMETRI!” His claws ripped across Vic’s legs leaving a large bloody mark across one of his legs.

This part was nicely written, and also, the use of a name as a pronoun kept the actions clear and separate, so that the reader could feel better informed about who was doing what.

A suggestion, narrate a bit of Vic's pain, unless you were leaving that open for his own reaction.

Daxter valiantly cheered if add "only" for a second, and gathered up the strength to keep running away from the angered group of folks. But something stopped him. The anger of Victor Wolfe

Victor questioned Daxter’s motives, why the hell did he run into New Babylon’s castle without a good reason? Daxter’s eyes filled with heated anger and rage.

Fire vs Fire flamed between the two past associates and now “enemies”.

Hmm, I wasn't too sure what was meant by the above. Add a comma to separate: Fire "," flamed between. A personal preference is switching out "newfound" for "now" but thats your choice.

Victor growled*(add comma),* “I found MYSELF FEELING SORRY for your ass,* for Jak’s death,* and this is how you repay me?”

I added Italics because sometimes I feel like they demonstrate PASSION AND INTENSITY. And I wanted you to see what it looked like, in case you wanted to change it into italics.

Daxter growled and rage and tears filled his eyes[b],* (added comma) “Try repaying me when you can fix my feelings from Jak’s every DEATH!”

“It’s NOT The same! You BARELY KNOW JAK AS MUCH AS I DO!"

Daxter wiped away his anger and ran toward the sand. As Daxter got sent flying toward one of the building’s wall, he felt his mouth and felt [that] a tooth was missing and as he tried to move, one of his legs were broken and he covered his mouth as he tried to stand up from the hurt. He’d have to shuffle his legs carefully, but the blood running along his ottsel fur wasn’t going to be a good thing. He winced, he just had to get back to the fight and give Demetri more time. He had just the right idea.

This part was quite powerful, and nicely displayed!^

He scooped some sand into his hand and as he got closer to the fight slower than usual,[and] while Sasuke was busy, he took some sand [,balled it up in his hand and] like a skilled baseball player, he wacked some sand into Sasuke’s eyes.

As Sasuke reeled to cover his eyes stinging, Daxter tried to avoid Erik and (took out caps and put in italic, more distinctive display to the reader Vic, andthen tried again to form another sand ball. Daxter scooped some more sand and threw it into Victor’s eyes as well.

It was then Demetri used his Deception attack to throw off Victor and friends but that left Daxter problems of his own.

Daxter winced and his ottsel paws hurt from the sun, and there was a nasty bruise on one ottsel leg, this would slow him down some but while Demetri was gone, the distraction could get him toward that bike. Daxter looked up and ran against toward the bike in the courtyard..

But wait.. there was more problems… Townspeople AND guards…

One women screamed, “AHHHHHHH! An orange menace!"

Daxter shook his head, “I’m not a mancance! I’m the hero here!"

He focused once again as a few guards of New Babylon tried to prevent him from getting any further. This finally was the moment to get things started.

Daxter took his sharp tree branch spear and scraped it against one of the townsguards legs, causing injury to the guard. But it was in self-defense.

In a frenzy, the guards ran into each other, it almost seemed as though it was for comedic effect. Daxter began to panic as his eyes kept looking for the bike Demetri was talking about. Wait…

… There it is…

The bike looked too high-tech for a place like Camelot, but what the hell. He’d take it and get Demetri back, too.

The ottsel grabbed the stick weapon and placed it on his back, and struggled trying to get himself onto the bike. Little creature, big bike, right?

The ottsel reeved the bike and sped it toward Demetri. “DEMETRI! LET’S GO!”


I want a opinion on this before posting it for real *rubs neck*

[/spoiler]

Honestly, that was wonderful. I had a great time reading it, it kept me entertained, and every action you had narrated came off very clearly. I think you've improved a lot in just the short amount of time, and I really liked Daxter's narrative on Jak. Nicely done. Other than a few grammatical suggestions, I don't have much else to say, other than...


Post it.