10-15-2015, 12:46 PM
Ballad! I thank you for taking interest in this thread, as it is my pride and joy. I was considering reviewing a bit of your fight, however, I think the judge gave you both some very good advice, nothing I could possibly come close to. But I will say I enjoyed what you both brought to the table during it. 
As for improvement, I’m quite the optimist. I think a person can improve the way they write in numerous ways (some brief examples being): state of mind, ample motivation, and simply through experience.
I like the narrative voice you have, part of writing is keeping it simple, and I think you have a really good grasp on what you want to convey to the reader.
It has nice imagery, and a clear concept of what your character is feeling is delivered to the reader without even having to say, “This person is feeling this way.”
Now, this is a C&C thread, so I also want to give you a suggestion I have on some of the way the narrative tends to slip from first person, to third, as well as a few tense sways.
There were a few times where I felt like you slipped into a first person narrative, but it was subtle and more for the story’s sake and reflection, as well as to speak Ballad’s thoughts. However, there were some ways which I think sticking to one tense, and using italics for thoughts separates some of the confusion for the reader. Consistency in tenses will help the reader delver more deeply into the story. As you know, there are present tense, past tense, and future tenses. You seem to write in present tense, which goes like this.
Here: “Peering in discomfort, he slowly lifts up his head once more, rolling his eyes towards the center of his body.”
If you switched it to past tense (Which I will admit, I do have a preference for both reading and writing), it would sound like this. In my opinion, it is a bit more concise, and slices out the excess guesswork for the reader. Here’s what the sentence looks like, past tense, but still present in the moment.
“He peered out in discomfort and slowly lifted up his head once more. [Then] His eyes rolled toward the center of his body...”
I’m not saying one is wrong, but the difference is certainly clear, and it shows itself stylistically. A little later it switches a bit, which may have been to conclude the narrative above it, but I’m going to quote it here so you can see where I referenced the change in tenses.
( It was just a small, noticeable change,) but I think extra “was, had, still, and soons” can be superfluous at times. I’ve been told about my writing that if I took out an extra ‘soon’ the sentence would have been completely different- and better. I’ve been experimenting with structure and syntax since, and if I get the chance, I like to let other people know of this kind of thing when I see it, because I do think a small tweaks can make all the difference in a masterpiece.
Since the couple of days after the battle, I will say I think your descriptions have gotten stronger. Example: “A thick stream of sweat slides down the side of his face as he leans upward into a sitting position, bending his knees before wrapping his arms around them... and suffering the consequences.”
This for me was a very nicely put together line. There was emotion and intensity in such few words. It conveys his strain to the reader, setting, and also the physical effects of his battle very nicely. Also, I felt it blended in with your style really well, because you have a more subtle description going, and it adds to the intrigue of the story, and it adds interest to the character. (Keep it up!)
To continue, I think your style cuts out some of the “fluff” that you might see writers with styles like my own have. Fluff is considered boring! In your writing, you have very little, action is abrupt, reaction has a similar effect. You have a no bull policy, and I can appreciate that, as it makes the story flow faster, enhances the strength of your own voice, and keeps the action and drama vivid and fresh. It also prevents distractions and offshoots, which tend to happen because a writer might have an idea and get carried away ( I know it has happened to me). Straight to the point, Ballad’s reaction was real.
Honestly, I just loved this part.
I can vividly imagine Ballad’s reaction, and I am utterly amused by position he is in, kind of a prisoner in the infirmary. It speaks to his personality, and just his motivations, as he retaliates against the idea of staying needlessly in a place he doesn’t need to/doesn’t belong.
Throughout the read, there were parts where I really liked it when you delved into description, of the room, of the woman and her relationship with the man, and of Ballad’s thoughts. Keep that up, because it paints a lot of imagery for the reader, and helps us imagine what you see the room as. Don’t be afraid to get a little more thorough with it. Though it may not always seem like it, setting is a BIG part of interaction.
Lastly, the way the latest post ended was awesome, I like the action, Ballad’s forwardness (without shame), and the overall concept just feels original the way you put forth the idea. As well as you gave some attention the the npc doctors and female nurse.
In conclusion:
I usually suggest this to people, but it’s because it helped me a lot when I wanted to know how I could improve on my writing. When you have a good idea of an outline to write tense wise, you can focus on the flow of your writing as well as the storyline. <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=2033">viewtopic.php?f=38&t=2033</a><!-- l --> IT may seem long, but it really helps to refine your good qualities in a short amount of time.
You have a good thing going Ballad, keep up the effort and your improvement will go through the roof.
As for improvement, I’m quite the optimist. I think a person can improve the way they write in numerous ways (some brief examples being): state of mind, ample motivation, and simply through experience.
I like the narrative voice you have, part of writing is keeping it simple, and I think you have a really good grasp on what you want to convey to the reader.
Quote:It wasn't even the normal kind of blackness either. It was the worst kind; the sort you can never wake up from and cannot see through no matter how hard you tried. It was the kind that you saw when you've been hurt so badly you can't move more then a few feet without getting dizzy.
It has nice imagery, and a clear concept of what your character is feeling is delivered to the reader without even having to say, “This person is feeling this way.”
Now, this is a C&C thread, so I also want to give you a suggestion I have on some of the way the narrative tends to slip from first person, to third, as well as a few tense sways.
There were a few times where I felt like you slipped into a first person narrative, but it was subtle and more for the story’s sake and reflection, as well as to speak Ballad’s thoughts. However, there were some ways which I think sticking to one tense, and using italics for thoughts separates some of the confusion for the reader. Consistency in tenses will help the reader delver more deeply into the story. As you know, there are present tense, past tense, and future tenses. You seem to write in present tense, which goes like this.
Here: “Peering in discomfort, he slowly lifts up his head once more, rolling his eyes towards the center of his body.”
If you switched it to past tense (Which I will admit, I do have a preference for both reading and writing), it would sound like this. In my opinion, it is a bit more concise, and slices out the excess guesswork for the reader. Here’s what the sentence looks like, past tense, but still present in the moment.
“He peered out in discomfort and slowly lifted up his head once more. [Then] His eyes rolled toward the center of his body...”
I’m not saying one is wrong, but the difference is certainly clear, and it shows itself stylistically. A little later it switches a bit, which may have been to conclude the narrative above it, but I’m going to quote it here so you can see where I referenced the change in tenses.
Quote:Even considering the fact he was* in a world of pain, it was astonishing how hardy Ballad was. He had been able to stand up, left hand covering his torso wound, and slowly walk* into the center of the room by the time the two medics got into the room. He was still* sweating from his eyebrows”
( It was just a small, noticeable change,) but I think extra “was, had, still, and soons” can be superfluous at times. I’ve been told about my writing that if I took out an extra ‘soon’ the sentence would have been completely different- and better. I’ve been experimenting with structure and syntax since, and if I get the chance, I like to let other people know of this kind of thing when I see it, because I do think a small tweaks can make all the difference in a masterpiece.
Since the couple of days after the battle, I will say I think your descriptions have gotten stronger. Example: “A thick stream of sweat slides down the side of his face as he leans upward into a sitting position, bending his knees before wrapping his arms around them... and suffering the consequences.”
This for me was a very nicely put together line. There was emotion and intensity in such few words. It conveys his strain to the reader, setting, and also the physical effects of his battle very nicely. Also, I felt it blended in with your style really well, because you have a more subtle description going, and it adds to the intrigue of the story, and it adds interest to the character. (Keep it up!)
To continue, I think your style cuts out some of the “fluff” that you might see writers with styles like my own have. Fluff is considered boring! In your writing, you have very little, action is abrupt, reaction has a similar effect. You have a no bull policy, and I can appreciate that, as it makes the story flow faster, enhances the strength of your own voice, and keeps the action and drama vivid and fresh. It also prevents distractions and offshoots, which tend to happen because a writer might have an idea and get carried away ( I know it has happened to me). Straight to the point, Ballad’s reaction was real.
Quote:"How... how the hell did I lose?!" he shouted, rage overcoming his sagacity, "I had him! I FUCKING HAD HIM! AND I LOST TO HIM?! A FUCKING KID?!"
Honestly, I just loved this part.
Quote:"Listen, for the fiftieth time already, you AREN'T going anywhere until your wounds have healed!"
“
I can vividly imagine Ballad’s reaction, and I am utterly amused by position he is in, kind of a prisoner in the infirmary. It speaks to his personality, and just his motivations, as he retaliates against the idea of staying needlessly in a place he doesn’t need to/doesn’t belong.
Throughout the read, there were parts where I really liked it when you delved into description, of the room, of the woman and her relationship with the man, and of Ballad’s thoughts. Keep that up, because it paints a lot of imagery for the reader, and helps us imagine what you see the room as. Don’t be afraid to get a little more thorough with it. Though it may not always seem like it, setting is a BIG part of interaction.
Lastly, the way the latest post ended was awesome, I like the action, Ballad’s forwardness (without shame), and the overall concept just feels original the way you put forth the idea. As well as you gave some attention the the npc doctors and female nurse.
In conclusion:
I usually suggest this to people, but it’s because it helped me a lot when I wanted to know how I could improve on my writing. When you have a good idea of an outline to write tense wise, you can focus on the flow of your writing as well as the storyline. <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=2033">viewtopic.php?f=38&t=2033</a><!-- l --> IT may seem long, but it really helps to refine your good qualities in a short amount of time.
You have a good thing going Ballad, keep up the effort and your improvement will go through the roof.
![[Image: -Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif]](http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/35600000/-Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif)
"I have never met a strong person with an easy past." -Atticus