09-10-2015, 03:49 AM
Down the magma hole:
Before I begin, I would like to bring your attention to that this is a *site* quest, so while I am not the one judging it, my own opinion may differ and contrast in comparison to the judge's personal scorecard, as well as my suggestions may tell you to do one thing, and their suggestions another.
BEGIN:
First off, I just wanted to commend you, that I was really impressed with your ambition for choosing to do a Void quest when you are still a bit of a new member, it was really cool, and shows your motivation for the site and passion for writing is there.
To begin, your descriptions of the settings and surroundings are very nice. It was thoughtful that you placed in the taste of the air, as I read it I thought 'of course!' volcanoes and volcanic ash would smell like sulfur, but not everyone would think to put that in.
Though the quest is just beginning, I can see a lot of avenues that you could take it. I'm not super familiar with your character, but Omni is coveted, the most powerful being in the OV. He brought your prime HERE. Channel the passion and display the motivation! *Shameless self promotion* But I suggest you look at some of the secondary saga stuff, Good forums to take a look at, kind of helped me guide some of the participants into what we were expecting are: Secondary Saga hints or if you look at the top Intro post to every "phase" I plainly stated the requirements *in some of them*so that people know what to plan out during that "chapter."Here's another example. It's in yellow quotes.
WHILE I do not suggest the same format to a solo quest, I do think that certain things can be helpful along your journey -traveler-. If you look at the profilesfor the secondary saga quest, you will find I had everyone list their motivations to find omni. This was one of the things I really wanted to prioritize from other people and their posts. I too, tried to lead by example, by making it the focal point, but I did notice that the repetition may be off putting or dull to someone who has to read a similar themed notion (even if it was purposeful) to readers or judges. I still, however, promote the inclusion of stating or implying why your character wants to find omni in the beginning, but then, at the end, placing a progressed version of the same goal, such as:
Tennant wanted to find his daughter, would he live to make it to the deity* Omni?
END: Tennant had set out this search to find his daughter, however, he had never anticipated the change that the challenges had brought to him. (Something like) He realized along his way, that he had found himself.
Cheesy example, but sufficient I think, to get my point across. I definitely promote reading Kingdom Come, which was the thread of the only TWO members in the whole OV to make it to omni, and also brushing up on how they got there. Also, Protoman's work is wonderful, so you will be in for a treat.
Continuing lastly before I review your writing some more: It isn't all about the destination. Sometimes, the best part, and what can actually enhance the destination, is the journey. I'm not sure how the judges are grading the solo quests to the void, however I'm sure they will be looking for an even balance of good writing, a good blend of diverse action, good character growth and storyline, and you want the audience to take that you had a fun time writing it (or some variation of fun -because effort :effort: -).
If you need any help making the story or plot, or are looking for someone to accompany you there, let me know and I'd love to share a few ideas with you, or be a minor NPC in your topic (granted you can imagine my activity will SPIKE once the SS void quest is over). I offer not only because I am interested in getting to write with new members, but also because I know that writing on your own with no one to play off of, can be trying at times. Dean Winchester actually taught me about this, when he requested I help him with some atmosphere in one of his threads (later I NPC'd) and I had a wonderful time in that thread, and they brought me back for a sequel *feels loved.* Prompts don't always have to be super long, and sometimes, detours in a story can be looped around to make sense psh this isnt poor story telling or anything...
Why am I telling you this stuff? Well, mostly so you can take a look, gain experience or wisdom, but I want you to know what's on my mind as it occurs to me. Sometimes a bit of reference can help other people understand where you are coming from or trying to establish as it is harder for me to pronounce advice thoroughly through text. ANYWAY, back to you!
"I checked my surroundings, looking at all directions in an attempt to determine which one had the most stable ground and the least number of molten lava streams."
First person. It requires a lot of introspection, or at least it can, if the writer wants to establish this. Remember you also want to entertain the reader when you are writing, and that minor touches to a sentence can edit and form it around into being enhanced. The way you used the sentence was very clear, and straight forward. Demetri, earlier in this same RIB thread, does this very well. I prompted him to add a tad more descriptive adjectives, and he has really come a long way with what I call, setting the scene.
PbP rp's always make me forget to use my senses. Sometimes it occurs to me to account for the fragrance of flowers in the wind *in this case, sulfur* or how the heat could singe the character's clothes or nose, but, small descriptions embedded into a sentence, or added into a separate one, can really change the outcome and impact your post and writing has on the reader and audience. I urge you as well, to use at least one sense every post, just to help with this. You've done a good job so far with this, as I was impressed with you accounting for the scent of sulfur in the air right off the bat, so don't worry about missing too much.
In the future, imagery is possibly one of the most powerful things imaginable *pun* when we are writing. Why do we read? Well, taking out the content of characters and plot, we as readers are transported to an entirely different world, where we are told what to see, but we see it our way. Its quitemagical, and it's almost like we defy the impossible, when we can read something and become completely engulfed in a story or poem.
Makoto has a strong voice, I love seeing him interact with some of the treacherously molten scenery. This thread doesn't have a lot established yet (and by this I simply mean, you are still at the beginning stages of the quest). I do suggest your character finds a partner to bounce their witty banter off of, as DP found Gingy, in contrast, a talking gingerbread man DOES make the crimson pool look better side by side. Foils can add intrigue to your character, as well as just create fun dialogue for your to think and respond to.
The quest stuff: WELL, each of the requirements of the void quests are somewhat 'fitted to' the scenery. I'm sure I can imagine your character will be encountering some EPIC final bosses, dragons, creatures, the hole shabam. I really look forward to how you spin that, as I have found that everyone does their own stories in their own unique and individual ways. Stories can get crazy, super fun, and are ALWAYS amazing in the end. So, I promise you, do your best with this quest, and you will succeed <3
Before I begin, I would like to bring your attention to that this is a *site* quest, so while I am not the one judging it, my own opinion may differ and contrast in comparison to the judge's personal scorecard, as well as my suggestions may tell you to do one thing, and their suggestions another.
BEGIN:
First off, I just wanted to commend you, that I was really impressed with your ambition for choosing to do a Void quest when you are still a bit of a new member, it was really cool, and shows your motivation for the site and passion for writing is there.
To begin, your descriptions of the settings and surroundings are very nice. It was thoughtful that you placed in the taste of the air, as I read it I thought 'of course!' volcanoes and volcanic ash would smell like sulfur, but not everyone would think to put that in.
Though the quest is just beginning, I can see a lot of avenues that you could take it. I'm not super familiar with your character, but Omni is coveted, the most powerful being in the OV. He brought your prime HERE. Channel the passion and display the motivation! *Shameless self promotion* But I suggest you look at some of the secondary saga stuff, Good forums to take a look at, kind of helped me guide some of the participants into what we were expecting are: Secondary Saga hints or if you look at the top Intro post to every "phase" I plainly stated the requirements *in some of them*so that people know what to plan out during that "chapter."Here's another example. It's in yellow quotes.
WHILE I do not suggest the same format to a solo quest, I do think that certain things can be helpful along your journey -traveler-. If you look at the profilesfor the secondary saga quest, you will find I had everyone list their motivations to find omni. This was one of the things I really wanted to prioritize from other people and their posts. I too, tried to lead by example, by making it the focal point, but I did notice that the repetition may be off putting or dull to someone who has to read a similar themed notion (even if it was purposeful) to readers or judges. I still, however, promote the inclusion of stating or implying why your character wants to find omni in the beginning, but then, at the end, placing a progressed version of the same goal, such as:
Tennant wanted to find his daughter, would he live to make it to the deity* Omni?
END: Tennant had set out this search to find his daughter, however, he had never anticipated the change that the challenges had brought to him. (Something like) He realized along his way, that he had found himself.
Cheesy example, but sufficient I think, to get my point across. I definitely promote reading Kingdom Come, which was the thread of the only TWO members in the whole OV to make it to omni, and also brushing up on how they got there. Also, Protoman's work is wonderful, so you will be in for a treat.
Continuing lastly before I review your writing some more: It isn't all about the destination. Sometimes, the best part, and what can actually enhance the destination, is the journey. I'm not sure how the judges are grading the solo quests to the void, however I'm sure they will be looking for an even balance of good writing, a good blend of diverse action, good character growth and storyline, and you want the audience to take that you had a fun time writing it (or some variation of fun -because effort :effort: -).
If you need any help making the story or plot, or are looking for someone to accompany you there, let me know and I'd love to share a few ideas with you, or be a minor NPC in your topic (granted you can imagine my activity will SPIKE once the SS void quest is over). I offer not only because I am interested in getting to write with new members, but also because I know that writing on your own with no one to play off of, can be trying at times. Dean Winchester actually taught me about this, when he requested I help him with some atmosphere in one of his threads (later I NPC'd) and I had a wonderful time in that thread, and they brought me back for a sequel *feels loved.* Prompts don't always have to be super long, and sometimes, detours in a story can be looped around to make sense psh this isnt poor story telling or anything...
Why am I telling you this stuff? Well, mostly so you can take a look, gain experience or wisdom, but I want you to know what's on my mind as it occurs to me. Sometimes a bit of reference can help other people understand where you are coming from or trying to establish as it is harder for me to pronounce advice thoroughly through text. ANYWAY, back to you!
"I checked my surroundings, looking at all directions in an attempt to determine which one had the most stable ground and the least number of molten lava streams."
First person. It requires a lot of introspection, or at least it can, if the writer wants to establish this. Remember you also want to entertain the reader when you are writing, and that minor touches to a sentence can edit and form it around into being enhanced. The way you used the sentence was very clear, and straight forward. Demetri, earlier in this same RIB thread, does this very well. I prompted him to add a tad more descriptive adjectives, and he has really come a long way with what I call, setting the scene.
PbP rp's always make me forget to use my senses. Sometimes it occurs to me to account for the fragrance of flowers in the wind *in this case, sulfur* or how the heat could singe the character's clothes or nose, but, small descriptions embedded into a sentence, or added into a separate one, can really change the outcome and impact your post and writing has on the reader and audience. I urge you as well, to use at least one sense every post, just to help with this. You've done a good job so far with this, as I was impressed with you accounting for the scent of sulfur in the air right off the bat, so don't worry about missing too much.
In the future, imagery is possibly one of the most powerful things imaginable *pun* when we are writing. Why do we read? Well, taking out the content of characters and plot, we as readers are transported to an entirely different world, where we are told what to see, but we see it our way. Its quitemagical, and it's almost like we defy the impossible, when we can read something and become completely engulfed in a story or poem.
Makoto has a strong voice, I love seeing him interact with some of the treacherously molten scenery. This thread doesn't have a lot established yet (and by this I simply mean, you are still at the beginning stages of the quest). I do suggest your character finds a partner to bounce their witty banter off of, as DP found Gingy, in contrast, a talking gingerbread man DOES make the crimson pool look better side by side. Foils can add intrigue to your character, as well as just create fun dialogue for your to think and respond to.
The quest stuff: WELL, each of the requirements of the void quests are somewhat 'fitted to' the scenery. I'm sure I can imagine your character will be encountering some EPIC final bosses, dragons, creatures, the hole shabam. I really look forward to how you spin that, as I have found that everyone does their own stories in their own unique and individual ways. Stories can get crazy, super fun, and are ALWAYS amazing in the end. So, I promise you, do your best with this quest, and you will succeed <3
![[Image: -Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif]](http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/35600000/-Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif)
"I have never met a strong person with an easy past." -Atticus