09-10-2015, 02:04 AM
Elfborne Extraction: Chose to focus on feedback majorly on your personal character and writing, but with a few comments of the others may be mixed in along the way.
[spoiler]Tart, Orkor, Galel Immediately as I read your introduction post I got a defined sense of style. It was pronounced well, through a good variation of words and dialogue, as well as some vocabulary used with ample finesse.
With that said, I wasn't sure (mainly because the post is a bit dated) where you and Galel currently were. Some helpful criticism that I have to remind myself of every so often, is that the audience can't know what is going on in your mind. You may be trying to write a scene about a beautiful beach, but the reader can't know you are at the beach just by the mention of sand (it could be a desert, an hourglass, or a sand factory). Sometimes it helps to visualize and isolate what has already been established, and take into account what has yet to be mentioned. Even if sometimes the surroundings do not seem all that important, it is something I personally look for for added substance. Axorn compensated for this a little bit, as he arrived from a the portal, and then later delved into a thoughtful description of coruscant.
One of the things Axorn did a good job of, was standing out -stylistically- from the others. When you write in a large group, it is more strategic to establish and define your character's strongest characteristics in the first 'beginning' posts. Axorn led in with action, but kept it short and sweet. It left me longing to know more about his character, and some of what would come later. This was done very well!
Tart on standing out- Your skillful use of descriptions helps set you apart from the rest, and also helps to glue the story together <3
A few others seem to be involved in the heist in tier 1! A cool development and one that tells the reader what to anticipate in the story to come. Sometimes it can seem like telling the reader who or what will be coming, can ruin the story. However it generally doesn't (In this case, it prepares the reader for an extra case of awesome) however, if you look at some other examples of this being used, such as: Dante's abyss - everyone knew it was a competition to the death, or a more recent example, the secondary saga, which centered around a ghost who gathered them. I implied heavily that the ghost was my personal NPC's sister, but what I enjoyed most was leaving it ambiguous until the the final 'twist' on this foreshadow. ANYWAY ENOUGH ABOUT ME- here's more.
To Triest, a helpful word of advice is to not use quotes to communicate unless they are essential to the story, because sometimes it can disrupt the flow of the story. If I remember correctly, you guys later added a discussion topic, which is what I highly promote too! If you must note something in the yellow, I also suggest just doing it at the end of the post, at the beginning, when the reader wants and expects to be set in the scene, it can be a bit jarring.
Eric, while I enjoy your use of descriptions, I'd like to offer you a small suggestion, that you separate your lines of dialogue into their own paragraphs. It aids the flow in writing and can better impact the reader when they sentences are spaced out. I enjoyed the conversation in one of your posts, and thought it helped lead into the topic. But I would have enjoyed it all the more with a little balanced pacing.
Tart's post: I really liked this one, as it flowed very well and the action in it, carried it very well. Another notable goodie is that your grammar is on point. IDK what spell check you are using, but I want it, and if it is your brain, so be it.
(lol, reviews dont have to be all serious)
Anyway, I do appreciate how very thorough you are with your syntax, dialogue, and other grammatical errors that could have been overlooked, but you are proving more detailed than I could imagine, and I personally appreciate your desire for perfection- or- at least your best.
Last part of this post: You ended on a ledge, leading into whoever was 'next' and I always give mental bonus points for things like that. When this happens, strangely enough, I always find it to be a strong finale moment. It always inclines my attention, and makes me more interested to read what is next.
Triest has a good thing going with his descriptions of the room, which helps bind the story together. I also like his writing style, it is edgy, frank, and very strong words are chosen when he writes.
Orkor- so far, I'm really impressed with your additions to this thread. If I was going to suggest anything at this stage, I would suggest what I want to mention to everyone, don't forget to bring a little attention to your character! A reader wants to be reminded of who she (me)is looking at, whose eyes she is looking through as the scape of the story is told. I'll admit, sometimes reaffirming what your character looks like when it is right there on the top left hand corner of your post can seem UNDENIABLY monotonous, however, it brings the audience a tad closer to your character, and the extra description can take place of pronouns sometimes, adding variability into your post and writing.
Example: Gildarts punched Ganondorf in the face.
The auburn haired male punched Ganondorf in the face.
Just a few words change the visualization process a lot, as well as establish ample imagery to the reader. This helps too, because this thread has quite a few space marines, and imagery could help set you guys individually apart, and also just add some color to your ruthless epicness.
NOW FOR THE FIGHTING
Now, I already knew the outcome when I began reading, however, I will say with a thread this large, it can never hurt to restate some things that seem obvious to you guys, but may not be so well apparent to the reader. Having a good relationship with the audience through just words can mean a lot, and it doesn't take a lot of effort to incorporate it in a post.
-i just did it there, if you didn't notice *wink* but, to reiterate, I wanted to know who was on whose side-
Example: Sam strained herself to think of an example.
The second example adds purpose at the end, which tells the reader what THEY should take from it.
Sam thought for a moment, perusing the endless scrolls of her mind, before finally thinking of an example that would be sufficient in helping find an example to help aid the space marines in their mission of conquest.
(Now, I'll admit the second example is wordy, but its like midnight here and I don't think any amount of editing will fix the sort of things that fatigue takes from you. Also, my style might seem a little wordy too. It might just be me and I'm oblivious.)
Continuing.
Orkor- you have done a marvelous job in this thread, and I really like your flavorful use of adjectives. Not only are they a style enhancer, but also, they are just a really cool addition to what I would expect to see in a fighting / brawl post.
Triest- wonderful idea to implement the quotes at the END of the post. This made action very clear, and I'm sure it even helps the judges remember what they are supposed to visualize.
Tart!- Your following post was a bit short, however, its quality was still quit satisfying to me. You ended on a good note, and I found you and your team's coordination VERY well put together. You almost seemed UNITED. It was friggin' awesome.
Triest- your last post in the thread was very strong. You progressed with your writing and your character did too, I was impressed.
Tart- I loved your conclusion post, it had you and okor reunite, a bit of bonding and recovering, but I really enjoyed your portrayal of it all, and again, your vocabulary was quite nice. The final word, in bold, was an excellent ending to this thread.
Wonderful job to everyone who participated![/spoiler]
Once more into the breach:
[spoiler]Tart- Your title post is very well done, I can see just how much your writing has progressed between the time that the prior topic was written, and this one is.
This paragraph, I picked out, because to me, it was very well written, and stood out in the same way, because of it. Something else very important that struck me, was the conclusion of your post. I mentioned this above, but I really enjoy it when posts do such a good job, that they can confidently leave off and leave the reader hanging on the edge of their words.
In this introductory post as well, You did a nice job establishing some of the suggestions I made earlier to some other writers in the Elfborne extraction. One in particular, which is a coined "restate the obvious," so the reader can visualize better. Very nicely done, Tart.
Orkor's post- Your first paragraph was really cool, and well written. I enjoyed it and what I felt you wanted me, the audience, to take from your writing and actions.
NEALAPHH- It is awesome to see him in action, instantly, his character strikes with your words, and I get a sense of who he is. Later in the same post, I was given the chance to see some of your diverse style and portrayal skills. I was blown away. Not much else to say, except keep it up!
Tart!~
Your next post does a wonderful job at incorporating your own versatility, you show that you can stretch and expand as a writer, and aren't simply confined to one 'set' style. This skill alone is something a lot of writers lack, and I think others will come to appreciate it (or have already) in the future.
OKOR: Very strong post, I appreciate your vivid word use, as well as how thoroughly composed it is.
I like that everyone so far, has kept their posts short and sweet. This is tactful and better impacts the reader and their interest in the story, as well as shows that you have gutted the 'unnecessary' and remained really precise and concise in your portrayal and continuation of the story.
Nealaphh- I only delved deeper into the god-mind.
TART~ Your latest post was probably my favorite out of the ones that I read. Mainly because your progress is so well pronounced. You've developed as a writer, and your increased sense of character for tartaros shows! You've improved a lot since the previous topic, and I commend your growth.
To continue: The character's growth showed greatly, after Nealaphh went mind-control on him. I like how this was displayed in the 'obsidian' coating on Tart's armor. I also like when the god-mind was taken away, as there was a fundamental aspect to Tart's blind rage that was hinted at, which I appreciated a lot. TONS of feels at the end of that one, Tart. Very well done.
Together, this thread has a very thrilling and artistic side. I definitely plan on nominating it *goes off to do this* in the bonus thread for awesome writing.
Overall: Nice work, guys! Any and all suggestions are in there, but you all are fantastic writers, and I don't have too much to add that I think would help to your growth. Challenge yourself, test your limits, explore aspects you may not have considered as possibilities, and as always, try your best. As you will want to be remembered as exactly that.[/spoiler]
[spoiler]Tart, Orkor, Galel Immediately as I read your introduction post I got a defined sense of style. It was pronounced well, through a good variation of words and dialogue, as well as some vocabulary used with ample finesse.
With that said, I wasn't sure (mainly because the post is a bit dated) where you and Galel currently were. Some helpful criticism that I have to remind myself of every so often, is that the audience can't know what is going on in your mind. You may be trying to write a scene about a beautiful beach, but the reader can't know you are at the beach just by the mention of sand (it could be a desert, an hourglass, or a sand factory). Sometimes it helps to visualize and isolate what has already been established, and take into account what has yet to be mentioned. Even if sometimes the surroundings do not seem all that important, it is something I personally look for for added substance. Axorn compensated for this a little bit, as he arrived from a the portal, and then later delved into a thoughtful description of coruscant.
One of the things Axorn did a good job of, was standing out -stylistically- from the others. When you write in a large group, it is more strategic to establish and define your character's strongest characteristics in the first 'beginning' posts. Axorn led in with action, but kept it short and sweet. It left me longing to know more about his character, and some of what would come later. This was done very well!
Tart on standing out- Your skillful use of descriptions helps set you apart from the rest, and also helps to glue the story together <3
A few others seem to be involved in the heist in tier 1! A cool development and one that tells the reader what to anticipate in the story to come. Sometimes it can seem like telling the reader who or what will be coming, can ruin the story. However it generally doesn't (In this case, it prepares the reader for an extra case of awesome) however, if you look at some other examples of this being used, such as: Dante's abyss - everyone knew it was a competition to the death, or a more recent example, the secondary saga, which centered around a ghost who gathered them. I implied heavily that the ghost was my personal NPC's sister, but what I enjoyed most was leaving it ambiguous until the the final 'twist' on this foreshadow. ANYWAY ENOUGH ABOUT ME- here's more.
To Triest, a helpful word of advice is to not use quotes to communicate unless they are essential to the story, because sometimes it can disrupt the flow of the story. If I remember correctly, you guys later added a discussion topic, which is what I highly promote too! If you must note something in the yellow, I also suggest just doing it at the end of the post, at the beginning, when the reader wants and expects to be set in the scene, it can be a bit jarring.
Eric, while I enjoy your use of descriptions, I'd like to offer you a small suggestion, that you separate your lines of dialogue into their own paragraphs. It aids the flow in writing and can better impact the reader when they sentences are spaced out. I enjoyed the conversation in one of your posts, and thought it helped lead into the topic. But I would have enjoyed it all the more with a little balanced pacing.
Tart's post: I really liked this one, as it flowed very well and the action in it, carried it very well. Another notable goodie is that your grammar is on point. IDK what spell check you are using, but I want it, and if it is your brain, so be it.
(lol, reviews dont have to be all serious)
Anyway, I do appreciate how very thorough you are with your syntax, dialogue, and other grammatical errors that could have been overlooked, but you are proving more detailed than I could imagine, and I personally appreciate your desire for perfection- or- at least your best.
Last part of this post: You ended on a ledge, leading into whoever was 'next' and I always give mental bonus points for things like that. When this happens, strangely enough, I always find it to be a strong finale moment. It always inclines my attention, and makes me more interested to read what is next.
Triest has a good thing going with his descriptions of the room, which helps bind the story together. I also like his writing style, it is edgy, frank, and very strong words are chosen when he writes.
Orkor- so far, I'm really impressed with your additions to this thread. If I was going to suggest anything at this stage, I would suggest what I want to mention to everyone, don't forget to bring a little attention to your character! A reader wants to be reminded of who she (me)is looking at, whose eyes she is looking through as the scape of the story is told. I'll admit, sometimes reaffirming what your character looks like when it is right there on the top left hand corner of your post can seem UNDENIABLY monotonous, however, it brings the audience a tad closer to your character, and the extra description can take place of pronouns sometimes, adding variability into your post and writing.
Example: Gildarts punched Ganondorf in the face.
The auburn haired male punched Ganondorf in the face.
Just a few words change the visualization process a lot, as well as establish ample imagery to the reader. This helps too, because this thread has quite a few space marines, and imagery could help set you guys individually apart, and also just add some color to your ruthless epicness.
NOW FOR THE FIGHTING
Now, I already knew the outcome when I began reading, however, I will say with a thread this large, it can never hurt to restate some things that seem obvious to you guys, but may not be so well apparent to the reader. Having a good relationship with the audience through just words can mean a lot, and it doesn't take a lot of effort to incorporate it in a post.
-i just did it there, if you didn't notice *wink* but, to reiterate, I wanted to know who was on whose side-
Example: Sam strained herself to think of an example.
The second example adds purpose at the end, which tells the reader what THEY should take from it.
Sam thought for a moment, perusing the endless scrolls of her mind, before finally thinking of an example that would be sufficient in helping find an example to help aid the space marines in their mission of conquest.
(Now, I'll admit the second example is wordy, but its like midnight here and I don't think any amount of editing will fix the sort of things that fatigue takes from you. Also, my style might seem a little wordy too. It might just be me and I'm oblivious.)
Continuing.
Orkor- you have done a marvelous job in this thread, and I really like your flavorful use of adjectives. Not only are they a style enhancer, but also, they are just a really cool addition to what I would expect to see in a fighting / brawl post.
Triest- wonderful idea to implement the quotes at the END of the post. This made action very clear, and I'm sure it even helps the judges remember what they are supposed to visualize.
Tart!- Your following post was a bit short, however, its quality was still quit satisfying to me. You ended on a good note, and I found you and your team's coordination VERY well put together. You almost seemed UNITED. It was friggin' awesome.
Triest- your last post in the thread was very strong. You progressed with your writing and your character did too, I was impressed.
Tart- I loved your conclusion post, it had you and okor reunite, a bit of bonding and recovering, but I really enjoyed your portrayal of it all, and again, your vocabulary was quite nice. The final word, in bold, was an excellent ending to this thread.
Wonderful job to everyone who participated![/spoiler]
Once more into the breach:
[spoiler]Tart- Your title post is very well done, I can see just how much your writing has progressed between the time that the prior topic was written, and this one is.
Quote:The rotting giant pulled out a coloured, eternally shifting orb from under his tabard, gripping it tightly and focusing his mind. What they needed... were disguises. They were too recognizable, too easy to catch... perhaps a flaw of their plan in general, though it was far, far too late to change that. With the plague-bringer keeping a focused and calm mind, the orb began to shift and change, its ever-shifting colour eventually settling into a pure white, with the shape twitching and fluctuating, before finally consuming itself, leaving a pair of heavy burlap robes in its place. As Okor draped a set of the robes over his armour, he turned to the Luna Wolf, "Get dressed, we have some work to do."
This paragraph, I picked out, because to me, it was very well written, and stood out in the same way, because of it. Something else very important that struck me, was the conclusion of your post. I mentioned this above, but I really enjoy it when posts do such a good job, that they can confidently leave off and leave the reader hanging on the edge of their words.
In this introductory post as well, You did a nice job establishing some of the suggestions I made earlier to some other writers in the Elfborne extraction. One in particular, which is a coined "restate the obvious," so the reader can visualize better. Very nicely done, Tart.
Orkor's post- Your first paragraph was really cool, and well written. I enjoyed it and what I felt you wanted me, the audience, to take from your writing and actions.
NEALAPHH- It is awesome to see him in action, instantly, his character strikes with your words, and I get a sense of who he is. Later in the same post, I was given the chance to see some of your diverse style and portrayal skills. I was blown away. Not much else to say, except keep it up!
Tart!~
Your next post does a wonderful job at incorporating your own versatility, you show that you can stretch and expand as a writer, and aren't simply confined to one 'set' style. This skill alone is something a lot of writers lack, and I think others will come to appreciate it (or have already) in the future.
OKOR: Very strong post, I appreciate your vivid word use, as well as how thoroughly composed it is.
I like that everyone so far, has kept their posts short and sweet. This is tactful and better impacts the reader and their interest in the story, as well as shows that you have gutted the 'unnecessary' and remained really precise and concise in your portrayal and continuation of the story.
Nealaphh- I only delved deeper into the god-mind.
TART~ Your latest post was probably my favorite out of the ones that I read. Mainly because your progress is so well pronounced. You've developed as a writer, and your increased sense of character for tartaros shows! You've improved a lot since the previous topic, and I commend your growth.
To continue: The character's growth showed greatly, after Nealaphh went mind-control on him. I like how this was displayed in the 'obsidian' coating on Tart's armor. I also like when the god-mind was taken away, as there was a fundamental aspect to Tart's blind rage that was hinted at, which I appreciated a lot. TONS of feels at the end of that one, Tart. Very well done.
Together, this thread has a very thrilling and artistic side. I definitely plan on nominating it *goes off to do this* in the bonus thread for awesome writing.
Overall: Nice work, guys! Any and all suggestions are in there, but you all are fantastic writers, and I don't have too much to add that I think would help to your growth. Challenge yourself, test your limits, explore aspects you may not have considered as possibilities, and as always, try your best. As you will want to be remembered as exactly that.[/spoiler]
![[Image: -Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif]](http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/35600000/-Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif)
"I have never met a strong person with an easy past." -Atticus