Read It Back

[Albert Wesker]

Ok dude! So keep in mind that I am a person that reviews and points to more things that I can see room for improvement than I point out stuff I really like. It's something I'm working on! Just don't think that I don't A: like your writing, or B: that the stuff isn't great because I'm not pointing out as much stuff that's great! FYI: This is what I was listening to while reading.

I really like your style. It reminds me a lot of another Mega-inspired writer on the site: Protoman. And that's a pretty damn good compliment if you ask around! You have a not-quite minimalist style to your writing, the pace of it being driven by the action. This has a lot of pros and a few cons. I personally prefer for there to be more sensory description: smell, sound, color, texture, etc. Even if you just pull out a few sharp details that describe the SOUL of something, it's still nice to have a bit of flair.

For example: The description of the vehicle was good, I had an image in my mind of this abstract object for which I had no reference, which is good writing! However, I didn't get to feel much of that object's character. What did the thing sound like? What are some good descriptors for how it moves? Was the platform rounded, angular? What color was it?What good similes could you draw from it? What, at the core of this object, should we FEEL about it?

Overall, I would like to see more description, which is time consuming and can mess with your pace at times, but it really does serve a good purpose in the slower scenes like the one that he was going through. The more words, the longer it takes the reader to read, and therefor the slower the scene seems to the reader. In the heat of combat, you don't notice little details, but in a still moment, you do. The pace of your writing determines the pace of the scene, and the pace of your writing is determined by the number of words and the amount of detail you pour into every passing moment.

And again, I'd love to know more bout the FEELING of your world, through Colonel's eyes. If he is cold and calculating, point out the cold, calculating details. Tell us how a thing is shaped so that it will be more effective, or why a certain choice was made. Tell about the way he thinks through the details he notices.

This will also give your writing a stronger VOICE, which is a super important factor for really distinguished writing, in my opinion. For example, Sinestro sees the world through the color spectrums from the green Lantern comics, and associates the actions and personalities of other people through the emotional spectrum that he knows. So I write about that. I point out colors and emotions, because that's how he relates to the world. For the bandit, I point out the things that stand out to her, like how clean or dirty an object is. And with each of them, I try to structure my sentences differently, use different tones of words to exemplify the "flavor" of the world through their eyes.

Your pacing, aside all of that, is really good. I like how you allow us to see his thoughts and how he's thinking about the world he came from, which is starkly absent from a lot of folk's writing. By relating things back to the world he knows, you give the reader context for your character's world views and expectations. That's an awesome thing, so keep it up.

I didn't get a chance to read anything other than the Colonel, but in a SUPER cursory glance at it, it seems like you formatted your writing to more fit the character, which is awesome, because it, again, gives us context and voice.

Other than the big things, keep an eye on your word repetition. Quickly scan over your paragraphs and make sure you didn't use the same word unnecessarily twice. This can be helped with more editing and by using a greater catalog of words and more specific verbiage for the scene. I yo read back through your first paragraph posted, I think you'll see what I'm talkin' 'bout.

I think that you;re doing great, man! There's even improvement from your first post to your last post, so I think it's more about getting into the groove at this point. Keep on writing, and I'm excited to see more from you!

First off, I might have choked a little at a comparison to Protoman. I take that as a high compliment, indeed. And nextly, I just want to say thanks again for the advice and the particular things you pointed out. It's a good thing to finally have some solid info on what I should look into working on and trying to improve, after all this time.

I've been aware of the fact I need to work on description as it relates to more than just the blunt, physical aspect of things, as it's something that I don't spend much time thinking about, and certainly not as much as I should. It is funny you bring up the difference between faster-paced, combat scenes and slower ones like the one presented in the Nexus there, as my style of writing has been heavily flavored and, in a way, 'biased' a little toward that faster-paced style thanks in part to the company I've kept in my writing years. Breaking out of familiar writing territory has been tough, I guess.

Word repetition, too, is...well, yeah, that's something I've struggled with from day one. I'd like to think I have an expansive enough vocabulary that I don't repeat words to the verge of tedium/boredom, or even in rapid repetition over short periods, but sometimes it just...slips in there. A bit of proofreading and more careful attention while typing might help out with that particular bit. Or maybe it's just the way my thoughts run from brain to keyboard.

All in all, though, I will take what has been pointed out here and work on it for the future, and thanks again for the feedback!