Read It Back

[Thaal Sinestro]

Just found this thread and it made me realize something. I've been writing and doing this whole RPing thing for over a decade now, and can't recall once ever getting solid, in-depth feedback of any level. It also occurred to me I'm not really sure just how much I ma have improved in that time. Obviously I don't have a reference for how I used to write, but where I am now is something I do have a measure for.

With that said, I would appreciate it much if I could possibly get some feedback on my latest and so far only post with Colonel, which can be found right here.

Compounded with working at the library, and thus having less time than usual for writing, and working with a new character, I'm not so sure of the quality, so I'm sure it's got some flaws somewhere in there, which I probably missed due to the aforementioned reasons, compounded, again, with a somewhat poor mood and poor sleep for the past long while.

On a semi-related note, if anyone feels like it or has time, I would also love feedback on my....'work' as Adam. This thread is probably the best example I have of him. Not asking for a look at the whole thread, even as relatively short as it is, just perhaps a post or two, if you have the time/desire to do so.

And while I cannot promise I am the best judge of such things ('best' being quite subjective, anyway), I can also offer to take a look at things for other people if you so desire.

Many thanks in advance to anyone who may decide to offer feedback.

Ok dude! So keep in mind that I am a person that reviews and points to more things that I can see room for improvement than I point out stuff I really like. It's something I'm working on! Just don't think that I don't A: like your writing, or B: that the stuff isn't great because I'm not pointing out as much stuff that's great! FYI: This is what I was listening to while reading.

I really like your style. It reminds me a lot of another Mega-inspired writer on the site: Protoman. And that's a pretty damn good compliment if you ask around! You have a not-quite minimalist style to your writing, the pace of it being driven by the action. This has a lot of pros and a few cons. I personally prefer for there to be more sensory description: smell, sound, color, texture, etc. Even if you just pull out a few sharp details that describe the SOUL of something, it's still nice to have a bit of flair.

For example: The description of the vehicle was good, I had an image in my mind of this abstract object for which I had no reference, which is good writing! However, I didn't get to feel much of that object's character. What did the thing sound like? What are some good descriptors for how it moves? Was the platform rounded, angular? What color was it?What good similes could you draw from it? What, at the core of this object, should we FEEL about it?

Overall, I would like to see more description, which is time consuming and can mess with your pace at times, but it really does serve a good purpose in the slower scenes like the one that he was going through. The more words, the longer it takes the reader to read, and therefor the slower the scene seems to the reader. In the heat of combat, you don't notice little details, but in a still moment, you do. The pace of your writing determines the pace of the scene, and the pace of your writing is determined by the number of words and the amount of detail you pour into every passing moment.

And again, I'd love to know more bout the FEELING of your world, through Colonel's eyes. If he is cold and calculating, point out the cold, calculating details. Tell us how a thing is shaped so that it will be more effective, or why a certain choice was made. Tell about the way he thinks through the details he notices.

This will also give your writing a stronger VOICE, which is a super important factor for really distinguished writing, in my opinion. For example, Sinestro sees the world through the color spectrums from the green Lantern comics, and associates the actions and personalities of other people through the emotional spectrum that he knows. So I write about that. I point out colors and emotions, because that's how he relates to the world. For the bandit, I point out the things that stand out to her, like how clean or dirty an object is. And with each of them, I try to structure my sentences differently, use different tones of words to exemplify the "flavor" of the world through their eyes.

Your pacing, aside all of that, is really good. I like how you allow us to see his thoughts and how he's thinking about the world he came from, which is starkly absent from a lot of folk's writing. By relating things back to the world he knows, you give the reader context for your character's world views and expectations. That's an awesome thing, so keep it up.

I didn't get a chance to read anything other than the Colonel, but in a SUPER cursory glance at it, it seems like you formatted your writing to more fit the character, which is awesome, because it, again, gives us context and voice.

Other than the big things, keep an eye on your word repetition. Quickly scan over your paragraphs and make sure you didn't use the same word unnecessarily twice. This can be helped with more editing and by using a greater catalog of words and more specific verbiage for the scene. I yo read back through your first paragraph posted, I think you'll see what I'm talkin' 'bout.

I think that you;re doing great, man! There's even improvement from your first post to your last post, so I think it's more about getting into the groove at this point. Keep on writing, and I'm excited to see more from you!