07-10-2015, 06:36 PM
RIB
Divided these categories yo'
A few notes as I go along: [spoiler]Your introductory sentence was compelling. What a cool way to incorporate a memory! And what a nice way to leap into the ultimate Koopa interaction. PSH. "How scary can a turtle be?" (That depends if it has a freaking spiked shell of course!)
Hmm. I like the very animated responses Miranda seems to display, it brings her character to life. From these distinguished reactions I get a good sense of who her character is, and the sort of perspective she has on the world and her newfound Omniverse.
November is a cool name for a guy!
Can I just say it only makes sense that mayor orange's text is orange.
Zack and Miranda are forming an interesting dynamic together (foil?), and I rather think much more can be done with their interactions down the line, as they become more familiar with one another. Zack answers the questions (offering the reader his subtle backstory and demonstrating a nice quality you as a writer have). Zack's reflection and writing style bounce off of Miranda who supports with action and just getting sh*t done.
They are also strung together by the amount of battle experience they have.
Oooo! Love the integration of music~
THE ENDING YOUR LAST POST.
I have no words. Very epic.[/spoiler]
Construction: [spoiler]There were two parts I wasn't quite sure what you were referring to, (like whether or not it was something from the previous post, or if it was another flashback). One of these was the introduction in your latest post to the battle, I wasn't sure where they came from, though, with the action I wasn't asking questions!
Suggestion: Just work on connecting and displaying what is happening to the reader. I've have to think about this too, we all do as narrators to a story, because the reader can't know always that you are thinking and trying to put into how our character sees things, not to mention there are times when words won't always tell the things we want to convey in a way we want them to.
Another suggestion would be to add a tad more detail, I liked the mention of transportation, however I was left wanting to know how it functioned in the treacherous terrain that is the ashen stepps. Detail can fill in the reader on what the character we are reading about sees, feels, and touches so don't hold back and write what occurs to you so we can submerge ourselves, and sometimes little mentions can add to the flow of the story.[/spoiler]
My absolute favorite:[spoiler]For Miranda Frost, I love how distinguished your character is. as a reader I feel like I can understand her perspective, relate to her, and her character's personality strength jumps off the page.
Everything with Miranda just falls into place, and fits. Nothing (no action, reaction or otherwise) feels forced, everything flows naturally to the tune of the role play and story. I really fell in love with her character as I was reading and found her undeniably relatable. (Though, I wish I was more badass like her.)
Zack's descriptions and reactions to Miranda were excellently done, and not over powered. I thought his character was really cool and would love to see him ascend to greatness.
And finally, I like the story so far and would really like to see where it will be taken next! Also, heist/hostage scene at the end really brought some action into it. I'm a big fan of this current development.
For additional feedback or alternative perspective, feel free to submit this thread to book club too
! Usually the reviews have a slightly different format than this, and can be beneficial as well to point out anything I may have missed or otherwise, just increase your publicity!
Keep writing guys, you are doing a great job.[/spoiler]
Divided these categories yo'
A few notes as I go along: [spoiler]Your introductory sentence was compelling. What a cool way to incorporate a memory! And what a nice way to leap into the ultimate Koopa interaction. PSH. "How scary can a turtle be?" (That depends if it has a freaking spiked shell of course!)
Hmm. I like the very animated responses Miranda seems to display, it brings her character to life. From these distinguished reactions I get a good sense of who her character is, and the sort of perspective she has on the world and her newfound Omniverse.
November is a cool name for a guy!
Can I just say it only makes sense that mayor orange's text is orange.
Zack and Miranda are forming an interesting dynamic together (foil?), and I rather think much more can be done with their interactions down the line, as they become more familiar with one another. Zack answers the questions (offering the reader his subtle backstory and demonstrating a nice quality you as a writer have). Zack's reflection and writing style bounce off of Miranda who supports with action and just getting sh*t done.
They are also strung together by the amount of battle experience they have.
Oooo! Love the integration of music~
THE ENDING YOUR LAST POST.
I have no words. Very epic.[/spoiler]
Construction: [spoiler]There were two parts I wasn't quite sure what you were referring to, (like whether or not it was something from the previous post, or if it was another flashback). One of these was the introduction in your latest post to the battle, I wasn't sure where they came from, though, with the action I wasn't asking questions!
Suggestion: Just work on connecting and displaying what is happening to the reader. I've have to think about this too, we all do as narrators to a story, because the reader can't know always that you are thinking and trying to put into how our character sees things, not to mention there are times when words won't always tell the things we want to convey in a way we want them to.
Another suggestion would be to add a tad more detail, I liked the mention of transportation, however I was left wanting to know how it functioned in the treacherous terrain that is the ashen stepps. Detail can fill in the reader on what the character we are reading about sees, feels, and touches so don't hold back and write what occurs to you so we can submerge ourselves, and sometimes little mentions can add to the flow of the story.[/spoiler]
My absolute favorite:[spoiler]For Miranda Frost, I love how distinguished your character is. as a reader I feel like I can understand her perspective, relate to her, and her character's personality strength jumps off the page.
Everything with Miranda just falls into place, and fits. Nothing (no action, reaction or otherwise) feels forced, everything flows naturally to the tune of the role play and story. I really fell in love with her character as I was reading and found her undeniably relatable. (Though, I wish I was more badass like her.)
Zack's descriptions and reactions to Miranda were excellently done, and not over powered. I thought his character was really cool and would love to see him ascend to greatness.
And finally, I like the story so far and would really like to see where it will be taken next! Also, heist/hostage scene at the end really brought some action into it. I'm a big fan of this current development.
For additional feedback or alternative perspective, feel free to submit this thread to book club too
! Usually the reviews have a slightly different format than this, and can be beneficial as well to point out anything I may have missed or otherwise, just increase your publicity! Keep writing guys, you are doing a great job.[/spoiler]
![[Image: -Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif]](http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/35600000/-Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif)
"I have never met a strong person with an easy past." -Atticus