Read It Back

[Gildarts]

[spoiler](Thanks again for helping me with your advice Victor.)

Okay so im having Demetri summon his little helper bot IRIS, so this will be its intro before he infiltrates an empire base.

This summary was helpful to tell me where your character was, and the scene around him. Thank you!

Usually I start with any typos, and then go in depth with annotating. Sometimes I'll combine them a bit. As always, if you wanted a particular area to be more thoroughly looked at or additional feedback, just ask [/spoiler]

[spoiler]

As Demetri silently walked the alleyways <walked in the alleyway -just sounds more fluent to me>, he thought more about how Nealaphh was (had been?) teaching the girl to summon objects. He began to wonder if perhaps he could summon a companion to aide <aid> him in his observations and quests.(, "and certainly" instead of a new sentence, your choice to change, I wasn't sure if you wanted more relevance to it) Certainly another pair of eyes would be helpful. He (Demetri or other pronoun to announce/imply a VERY subtle seclusion) stopped in one of the darker alleyways >as< (maybe when?) the sun began to set and pondered what type of ally he would need. His ally (the ally would need to be) needed to be strategic and intelligent, and well fit to accompany him and keep up with his speed and stealth. He remembered seeing peculiar items at the mechanist shop, and all the different mechanisms that were in there, although <,>he didn't pay enough attention to remember much details. If he could indeed summon an ally, it may be in his best interest to summon a living machine that could support him. He sat behind a ("dented" just sounded cool and paints on your imagery)dumpster and focused. The machine would have to be small, yet mobile. If it could somehow levitate, it would most likely be sufficient enough to move beside him but he also needed it to not attract too much attention. Perhaps if it was a sphere, each immediate necessary part could reach out<extend?> and retract, allowing it to function (with finesse?) at all time>s< yet be able to retreat into itself for defense or stealth movement. Demetri then held his hand out. Perhaps...

Reached the edge of a cliff and I just leapt off it. This part was epic.

As he focused his energy a small orb began to form. Demetri closed his eyes and let out a deep breath willing it to form and aide him, to be a part(to come alive in this world?) of this world. He visualized each part, trying to complete technology far ahead of his home world age. Soon he began to feel a presence, and slowly he opened his eyes. A silver plated mechanism floated centimeters above his hand. Small puffs (of steam ?)team erupted from small crevasses between the plates, where it could be seen that a mechanism could protrude from. Then it began to speak.

Couldn't help but to mention... The robot seems cute !

Powering on.... calibrating gyroscope.... searching for artificial intelligence... downloading personality.... initiating protocols.... booting up.... successful.

Steam then poured out as the mechanism expanded, the front plates shifted and opened, revealing a camera-like glass and a small blue light that flickered and darted from side to side. Two small mechanical arms came out from its sides (and extended and reached) toward>s< its bottom, with small plates (located) at each of its joints for protection. At the end of each arm was a clawlike hand, complete with three sharp metal fingers>,< and a small rubber bump on its palm. Another two devices prodded (protruded? If not then sans the" out") out from its side on the top. The top devices were plated on top as well and lasers beamed from each side with what seemed like some kind of ranged shooting device. The eye began to emit a blue ray at Demetri, as if it was analyzing him.

You did a really good job painting a picture of the intricacies of his design, if you added a sentence that showed the whole image (or at least what Demetri saw, or felt when he saw what his OM had formed) it might add a little to the painting of an image already in the audience/ reader's mind.

Scanning... no threat detected. Current affiliate is known creator. Thanks is given. <lol this part was adorable> Logging biometric details into database for future reference and recognition. Registering... complete. Boot complete. Completing setup....Intelligent Robotic Infiltration Strategist IRIS variant initiated. Starting (compiling or initiating sounds more analytical) personality program.

Suddenly the weapons retracted into the machine and the blue light on the eye flickered, <it appeared to be>looking around for a moment before focusing on Demetri.

Ugh... starting up is such a tiring process... hello there<,> creator. I am IRIS. Intelligent Robotic Infiltration Strategist variant of omniverse technology. Or at least that's what my programming says. Nice to meet you.

(That last part, had very distinguished speech patterns, I felt like I really got a strong sense of personality in just such a short time!)

Typos: you had very little typos, my inserts were just modest suggestions, not a lot for me to say here [/spoiler]

Construction:[spoiler]I really liked your post, it was an excellent introduction for IRIS, and I see a lot of good things going on. If I had to mention one thing to improve on, I would probably say that you could enhance your descriptions, (imagery) with a little sensual association. Your description of IRIS was superb, and I wouldn't change it. I am mainly keen on the atmosphere surrounding the alleyway, you could paint it darker, ominous or foreboding to add to IRIS's arrival.

Little things can make a big difference in the way adjectives and information is placed and it goes a long way of creating a deeper understanding and environment for the reader to imagine.

Context note: I don't usually write with font color, but I know bolding and color can get complex. I would choose either one or the other to make it easier.

Hope my suggestion helps a bit, other than that, I didn't see any other areas that needed improving, and you'll see my absolute favorite parts of the post next![/spoiler]

My absolute favorite!:(lol like I just mentioned)[spoiler]I actually had more than one favorite part of this post, because i found it to be well balanced and written with very nice quality.

I really liked how you had Demetri figure out the qualities and assets that he desired in the secondary before summoning, it added ample suspense and the trail of breadcrumbs made the final result all the more rewarding.

"Perhaps..." Really became the precipice in a single word of all the (feeling, vision, imagination and consequence) that you had built up prior. It worked perfectly, and I loved that part too.

Lastly, IRIS's personality was so distinguished just in the words you chose for its/her dialogue. I was really impressed, and I think IRIS will turn out to be something more than wonderful. Loved your post, the subtle details of IRIS, and hope you keep it up. [/spoiler]