Read It Back

[Gildarts]

Typos: I do the typos first because they are the fastest to fix. The following are slight modifications meant to better the flow, or make better sense to me personally. If you choose not to change a few things I don't mind, it's your work Vic, I respect you and think you do a great job. ^.^
[spoiler]

Victor stared down the beast feeling the killing <that> intent it was sending his way, if Gilgamesh >did< not order* it to stand down. It would probably be trying to spread the contents of his jugular over the floor. h*<capital>e was not phased by this though, holding its gaze (instead, "and held his gaze" sounds stronger and is delivered with more power, all I did was modify the tense.) In his line of work there was always someone who wanted him dead. It was a feeling he knew to<o>well.

The first, I just tried to get it to flow a little better.

He turned his gaze towards the throne and the king sitting upon it, he<Gilgamesh> seemed to radiate authority, giving commands to his servants as if it was more natural to him than walking.(I liked this and it reaffirmed the point you were trying to establish and offered good contrast) Victor smiled at the comment of the king, he thought about how to respond for a moment before replying.

"Why of course I did not come here just for some minor recruitment and to discuss the way the world works, I just like to help my allies as much as possible, and its always nice to find people who you see eye to eye with, I have met too many people in the world who I, hmm, had some slight disagreements with that may have left some resentment on both sides."

Your dialogue is really nice here ^.^

Victor thought about all the people he had met so far and how much conflict there own morality had caused between them, from the fanatical Okor, to the overly kind Raina. He had wondered if this verse was some kind of hell filled with only honor <slash mark: -> bound fools and bleeding hearts. (Your choice to modify, but I felt this sounded stronger But now he had met a king <empowered> with the ambition and charisma <that was>needed to rule. This felt like a good sign.

I wasn't going to modify the second sentence, but the frequent repeat of "was" made me want to at least voice an option for you.

"As for that favor call it a<...>" Victor paused, formulating the best word for the situation in his mind before continuing, "F*<capital>reebie, an example of my work and how useful it can be to your cause, after all I do believe the weapon obtained from that little infiltration served you well, all I ask in return is that you allow me to keep serving you and your kingdom."

Again, I really enjoy your dialogue Victor. You excel at the word choice that people would actually say, but also the delivery.

A servant came back into the room carefully handling a rather expensive looking bottle of wine and two golden goblets,as he<and> (it just seems more concise than "as he")hurried over to Victor. Clearly showing the signs of stress that must come with serving a powerful king <,>the servant poured both goblets and passed them onto both men before leaving the room. Victor took a sip of the aromatic liquid, it tasted like haven (heaven?) on his taste buds.

That last sentence was like, decadent, if you consider words to be luxurious.

"You have your servants trained well, this is a great choice of drink for this sort of situation. There is one more thing I need now that I think about it. I need information and targets. If I do not have a target then I am no better than your common serial killer, and we both know I am better than that."

*Victor joked hoping Gilgamesh would see the<his> funny side.

Hmm, in a way, you could add "Victor joked" right behind what he said, however don't feel too obligated to, I just feel it forms character consistency. (As a reader I like to read it through, unless you are bringing something important to my attention)

"So my lord, tell me, who are the enemies of this kingdom? And who should I put on my list <for> my second target as the assassin of New Babylon? After all <,>I am sure there are people who you simply do not have the time to deal with yourself and my blades are always looking for something to dig into." (Epic!)

Victor continued to drink the wine awaiting <as he awaited> (preference, sentence flow) a response from the king. (He wondered)Wondering how this mighty ruler would respond to an offer from the young assassin. [/quote]

The last sentence is nice, but as a writer, I like to make my final sentence just shoot off the page, It sounds very good and clear as it is, but if you added something like: "he (maybe "thoughtfully?" For an adjective) wondered how the esteemed king..."[/quote][/spoiler]

Construction: [spoiler]I really enjoyed this post, Victor's interaction with the king was displayed with little hesitancy, (some parts it was steady and bold.) The dialogue was well-paced and timed at good increments, it was not overwhelming or overbearing and conveyed what I felt you were trying to establish very well.

Subtle dimensions you included offered the weight of relevance that the "business" and agreements kingy and Vic however Gilgamesh's bold characteristics I felt were more described than victor's. Vic is an assassin, as stated here, so don't be afraid to either show contrast through adjectives (such as "swiftly he took a sip" or "swiped the fork") or his demeanor, which you could use a hint more emphasis just to add to the reader's perception of his character.

(is he quiet, or casually murderous?) Though you did display this subtly through Vic's suggestion at humor to the king.

>Author's/commentary note: since DA, I realized that the only person who will put as much time as is needed into your character is you. Someone else may see example Gildarts a different way, and may not always know your "next step." Roll with what you think your character would do, and don't hold back, because only you know what you want to come out of this interaction for your character (unless, of course, you are avidly collaborating.)[/spoiler]



My absolute favorite: [spoiler]Gilgamesh may be the King of the Dunes, but you Victor have some real talent in dialogue, which is something I appreciate. Dialogue speaks directly to the reader, and displays your versatility as a writer, which is a great trait to have!

Keep growing, keep writing, and keep it up.[/spoiler]