Read It Back

[Thaal Sinestro]

So I am going to be the first to take up this offer. After waiting on people to do things I have finally decided to just get Dean into the dunes and raise some hell so to speak. I have spent a day and a bit writing this but..... eeeeeeeehhhhhhhh. Feed back is more then welcome. PM would be appreciated. Well, encouraged really. Anyway... yeah... this is what I have so far for after Dean leaves the Nexus into the Dunes.

[spoiler]

Stepping out on the other side of the gate Dean ended up in what seemed to be a savanna, well travelled it would seem by all the tracks around. There looked like there was some sort of settlement near by so Dean decided that it might be best to start there before heading off into the wide blue yonder. Gripping the hilt of the first blade tight he made sure to keep it near him as he walked.

Continuing towards the settlement Dean thought he had heard a noise off to his side and as he started to turn to face it he felt a sharp, stabbing pain in his shoulder. Looking down he saw the hilt of a crudely made blade in the hand of someone he did not know. Using a burst of demonic speed Dean reaches up with his free hand and tightly grips the hand around the blade in his shoulder, squeezing it until there is a sharp yell. Dean moved the mans hand, and with it brought the metal blade out of his shoulder. Apparently being a demon doesn't make you immune to pain, though Dean did notice that his blood was darker then normal. Shaking the mans' wrist Dean made sure his attacker dropped his blade before letting go of his arm and grabbing his shirt and lifting him up.

Looking up Dean finally locks eyes with his would be assailant. A man, probably middle aged, in ratty clothing who was probably looking for a new Prime to steal from, looked back at him. As they continued their staring contest Dean forced his eyes to go completely black and stay that way which caused the man to gasp and struggle to get free.

“Buddy, you picked the wrong guy on the wrong day...” Dean growled, letting the sentence trail off as he brought up his right hand and smashed the hilt of the first blade into the mans nose. Dean felt the warmth of the mans' blood as it trickled down his hand.


“If you had just threatened me I would have given you the chance to walk away, probably, but now?” Dean brought the hilt of the first blade down on the mans face again, “Now you are going to give me everything I want if you want to live pal.” The fear in the mans' face was palpable, Dean knew that he could get what he wanted from this guy. Sadly it seemed like the guy didn't have much so Dean decided to get some information.

“Let's start with something easy. That town over there. What is it?” Dean used his blade to point at it and the man tried to answer as best as he could with a broken and bloody nose.


“C...Carrebore...” the man stuttered to Dean.

“Carrebore? You sure? Pinky swear?” Dean asked causing the man to shake his head. “No?” Dean hit him again, this time a bit harder. “Then why did you say it was!”

“C...Carre....Care..pphhhfff...” It became clear to Dean now what was happening. The man was basically drowning in his own blood or something. Pronunciation might not be a strong point right now.

“Carre...bore...phhhhhfffff...fffffffore? Carrefore?” His prisoner nodded this time and Dean smiled, lowering his hand a little. “Some place I might want to go?” The man shook his head, so much for the easy road.

“Where should I go then?” As Dean asked this the man pointed off in a direction away from the settlement. “How far?”

“A b..bew biles...” was the chocked response.

A few miles, huh? Dean thought about this for awhile and then decided that the interview was over.

“Good news for you, I am out of questions!” Dean tosses the first blade in the air and then catches the hilt so the tip of the blade was now pointing down at the mans' face. “Bad news, I am out of questions.”

Dean brought his arm down hard and fast, bringing the blade down into the poor souls' face. Then he did it again, and again. He continued this till he was covered in blood from the shoulders up, and only a bit of it was his own. As for the poor guy who was probably just looking for an easy mark to get his next meal or something? Well, no one would recognize his face now. After the deed had been done Dean felt oddly at peace, as if the mark of Cain had been sedated, for now. His eyes shifted from the all back mark of a demon to his normal human eyes. His shoulder ached, reminding him of the injury had had received. Hopefully it would heal soon. He was pretty sure that was one perk of being a demon.

Dragging the lifeless corpse off to the side Dean dropped it and took a few steps away. Hopefully he hadn't been seen, but knowing his luck he was probably going to be a 'hunted man' now. That was if anyone cared for two bit wannabe bandits. Probably something about life being precious blah blah blah. Either way he had to get out of here soon.

He made his way to an open part of the field best suited for his current task, someplace directed at this town he informed was in this general direction. The one that he didn't get a name for. He concentrated on this Omnilium stuff, thinking of a way to get the hell out of here. It swirled around him and then moved in front of him starting to form that which he desired most.

First it formed the tires, then the frame work. Next followed the engine, then the seats, wiring, a mysterious box on one of the seats, body work and then windows. Finally it was starting to take shape.

As he opened his eyes Dean saw in front of him a 1969 four door Impala. If he was going to ride, he was going to do it in style. Taking a walk around he made sure nothing was out of place before opening the door and getting inside, still covered in blood. He reached for the ignition but stopped, something was wrong. The speedometer only went to 80 miles per hour. Was the a rule of this world or did he mess it up somehow? After a brief moment he decided it didn't matter. Turning the key that was already in the ignition the engine roared to life and all around music could be heard.


“There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold, And she's buying a stairway to heaven...” Noooooooope. This would not due. Hitting the eject button on the cassest player on the dashboard Dean took the tape out and tossed it in the box that had formed on the seat before reaching in and taking another tape n its' place. Putting it into the player he waited for a bit to hear what would be offered instead.

“Ain't nothin' that I'd rather do, Goin' down. Party time! My friends are gonna be there too. I'm on the highway to hell...” This was perfect. Turning up the volume Dean forgot all about a quick and quiet escape and put his foot down on the gas pedal. The tires spun, kicking up dirt and grass, before finally catching and sending the Impala rocketing forward.

As far as I can see it SHOULD be good but if I am doing something I shouldn't let me know! I just thought it would a) give me somethign to do, B) Potentially set up Dean for trouble later on. Murder does that! and c) Impala! COME ON![/spoiler]

I only found 1 major typo:
"This would not due." Should be "This would not do."
I would also just try to place commas in places where the sentence would naturally pause, or in clauses that wouldn't normally fit into a standard sentence. It'll help the reader's flow when they're going through the story.

I think you could use a bit more descriptive text in your writing. I like to talk about it as "show don't tell." You explain the FEATURES of the object without explicitly telling us what it is. So instead of telling us straight up that it's the Impala, talk about the color of the paint, tell us about the angles of hood and the sharpness of its features. That doesn't mean you can't reveal that it is, in fact, the Impala, but just feed us more about it. Same goes for the Blade. How do those ragged teeth act when they're "biting" into the flesh (AHAHA I'M AWESOME)? I bet it rips and tears more than a sharp blade would.

Also, don't be afraid to fill us in about his surroundings. What does the air feel like? Is it hot or dry? Are there any memories that the place evokes? I know the gate doesn't let us know what the area around it is like, but you could still tell us about the terrain a little bit. Sand? Dunes? Rocks? What's he seeing through his demon eyes?

Another thing that would be cool would be to talk about his experience and perception is different when the mark is messing with him. As his perception changes, the way you describe things, and how he interacts with the world should change a bit to reflect that. Again, what does the world look like through his eyes? What details is he focused on? What features stick out? What is he most interested in?

Anyways, I'm ranting a bit. I overall really like the post, and it gave us a good feeling for who DemonDean is. His actions speak really clearly for the character.