06-20-2015, 03:31 AM
Eye of the Storm:
Overall, it was a great read. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was reading a published work. Pretty stoked to have such a fantastic writer on board with the LAW.
I liked how you included a “foreign” language into the scene with Roland and the rough-housers. It really gave it a sense of realism. You injected a little humor in there with the gender confusion and the spice reference from DUNE made me reminisce nicely.
One thing I noticed is that, from what I understand from what Greg told me, is that Roland tends to be more calm and cool in situations, and it seems that you gave him more of a typical Western Sheriff feel. I don’t think you pulled it off poorly, mind you. I’m just not sure if it sticks with the source material. Then again, I MAY be wrong, in which case you did a much better job with Roland than I did.
Your description of that truck was spot on. I had a perfect image of it in my mind. “Show, don’t tell” indeed.
I noticed a few, very minor, spelling and grammar errors throughout, none of which detracted from the read at all. And since I think you’re doing all this via your phone, the quality of your writing is even more impressive.
Thaal’s drive is evident in every sentence you write with him. If I’m to be honest with you, this is FAR better than I remember you writing when the OV first started up. I can’t say enough just how impressed I am with your work.
Some parts seemed a bit over the top: such as Thaal avoiding literally every bullet shot at him. Then again, Sinestro is an extraordinary individual. I just lost a bit of immersion with it though. Everything else showed how, despite Thaal’s great power, he’s fallible as well. I remember fondly Thaal’s intense depression at not being able to summon his ring. Towards the end, with his fight with the Bandit Woman, I could see Thaal once again struggling a bit, but I was hoping for a less even fight. Though, considering the grenade at the end of your last post, it’s possible we could see a beaten a bruised Thaal remembering just how low he had been laid when he was brought here.
To reiterate, your writing was fantastic, and 90% of my critique is pointing out nitpicks or things -I- would have done differently. But this is YOUR story, hoss. I’m just along for the ride.
Overall, it was a great read. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was reading a published work. Pretty stoked to have such a fantastic writer on board with the LAW.
I liked how you included a “foreign” language into the scene with Roland and the rough-housers. It really gave it a sense of realism. You injected a little humor in there with the gender confusion and the spice reference from DUNE made me reminisce nicely.
One thing I noticed is that, from what I understand from what Greg told me, is that Roland tends to be more calm and cool in situations, and it seems that you gave him more of a typical Western Sheriff feel. I don’t think you pulled it off poorly, mind you. I’m just not sure if it sticks with the source material. Then again, I MAY be wrong, in which case you did a much better job with Roland than I did.
Your description of that truck was spot on. I had a perfect image of it in my mind. “Show, don’t tell” indeed.
I noticed a few, very minor, spelling and grammar errors throughout, none of which detracted from the read at all. And since I think you’re doing all this via your phone, the quality of your writing is even more impressive.
Thaal’s drive is evident in every sentence you write with him. If I’m to be honest with you, this is FAR better than I remember you writing when the OV first started up. I can’t say enough just how impressed I am with your work.
Some parts seemed a bit over the top: such as Thaal avoiding literally every bullet shot at him. Then again, Sinestro is an extraordinary individual. I just lost a bit of immersion with it though. Everything else showed how, despite Thaal’s great power, he’s fallible as well. I remember fondly Thaal’s intense depression at not being able to summon his ring. Towards the end, with his fight with the Bandit Woman, I could see Thaal once again struggling a bit, but I was hoping for a less even fight. Though, considering the grenade at the end of your last post, it’s possible we could see a beaten a bruised Thaal remembering just how low he had been laid when he was brought here.
To reiterate, your writing was fantastic, and 90% of my critique is pointing out nitpicks or things -I- would have done differently. But this is YOUR story, hoss. I’m just along for the ride.