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+---- Thread: Let's Read Book Club #16 (/showthread.php?tid=1716)
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Let's Read Book Club #16 - Zelda - 06-09-2015
Just Some Regulations:
- Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
- Format can be whatever you'd like providing that you follow these rules.
- This shouldn't need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful 'to you' it certainly doesn't make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
- The above doesn't mean you can't criticize, but there's a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions, don't say something about the topic is 'wrong' or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member's next post for them: be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
- While you're free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting, I wouldn't recommend making a 'scoring' scale. This isn't competitive and you're not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
- As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim, especially the wordy topics, you're likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don't want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don't make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you're just trying to get easy OM.
- OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused, I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don'tPlease.
- As a final point: yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
- These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don't do it for some reason).
This Club's Player Picks
- The Darkness Down Below
***Sasuke and Erza nominated***
- Highlanding in the Coliseum
*** Gin would like C&C for his thread here***
- The Worst Kingslayer
***Nominated by Strazio***
- Eye of the Storm
***Thaal would like some C&C for his thread here***
- Midnight Rose
***Belle would like some initial opinions on her thread here***
Primordial Weapon
You only have to read from the post I linked until the end of the battle. My opinions are already out there in the form of the judgement I did for the fight, but I'm sure everyone that participated would love to hear from the rest of the member base as well.
Lost Amongst Lava (Open)
I thought the pairing between Zack and Luigi too priceless to skip out on. Not terribly long. Give it a read through~ Zack and Luigi have also never been in a Book Club so I figured it would be nice to give them some chance for review here.
That's all happy reading~
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Strazio Rockwell - 06-09-2015
May I submit The Worst Kingslayer? It is a bit of an older one, but I think it could be cool to see what people think of it.
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Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Thaal Sinestro - 06-09-2015
I would also really like some feedback for my progress so far. This is the thread I am currently in:
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Here is the thread leading into it, which has some key details that might help the reader follow what's going on:
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(The more I read over this, the more typos I find. I'm a terrible proof reader)
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Belle - 06-09-2015
I'm assuming submitted stuff must be at least a few posts long?
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Proto Man - 06-09-2015
I don't believe there's a length requirement.
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Belle - 06-09-2015
Well, not must, but probably should.
Was going to submit my Midnight Rose stuff up for peer reading, just wasn't sure on the practices.
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Thaal Sinestro - 06-09-2015
Belle Wrote:Well, not must, but probably should.
Was going to submit my Midnight Rose stuff up for peer reading, just wasn't sure on the practices.
Some of the stuff is really short. Either way I'll read it and CC ya
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Trixie - 06-09-2015
Definitely interested to know what you guys think haha
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Thaal Sinestro - 06-09-2015
Trixie Wrote:Definitely interested to know what you guys think hahaI'm reading through it now, good buddy
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Thaal Sinestro - 06-10-2015
Darkness Down Below
It's great to read your guys' stuff again! It's like old times, only better because we're all better at writing now.
This thread had a very appropriately dark, grimy feel. Everything felt... dirty. You could feel it. Overall I loved the tone and the direction you guys took.
Vi, your work with description is awesome. You remind me how much more I should focus on devoting a little bit of time to outright describing what's surrounding my characters instead of just when they interact with it. You paying the picture if the world very clearly, and that's great! One thing I'd actually like to see more of is ABSTRACT descriptions if things. I know how things look or smell now, but I think to complete your descriptive excellence you could throw in the emotions it evokes. Relating things on abstract ways like, "The yellow yolk of the Sun broke over the horizon, it's yellow running over the hillside," gives you a comforting sensation. It reminds you of breakfast, which is also in the morning, like the sunrise you're describing. I'd use that for a peaceful scene in a shire or something. It provides emotional context. there ate tons of ways you could plug this style in to the internet's to make it feel even more gross, even heavier, even more foreboding. You do use this style sometimes, and when you do it works well! I'd just like to see more.
Yo Vad! Man it's cool to read your work again. You and me both seen to be struggling with realizing just when to break a paragraph up, but that's not a huge deal. I'd like to see note of what's going on around your subjects, and more time spent on details. You tell us very clearly what's going on, which is great, and your action is really high tempo, which is also great, but when you leave out solid descriptions of texture, color, taste, smell, it can all seem little flat. I think you've got a really got thing going, you just gotta bring us into the moment a bit more.
Ok, this is less about your writing bit I still really gotta say it: why is sexual violence always party of dark story telling? Why is the threat of rape CONSTANT in everything? I get it, it's Hell, but it would be nice if I could run into a grimy hell pit where people didn't just get raped constantly. I'm just so tired if it being present in every medium; it's prolific. Again, this isn't really a criticism of your writing, it's just... Yeah man.
Again, overall I super loved reading your thread and loved catching up with your characters! I'm looking forward to continuing reading your thread as it progresses.
(Forgive any autocorrect errors please!)
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Thaal Sinestro - 06-10-2015
Highlanding In The Colosseum
Hey! I know we haven't talked but I'm glad I could read some of your things. It's fun to see you have fun and play around with the character.
Ok, thing to work on: paragraph length. You've got done huge paragraphs out there that should really be chipped up into many smaller ones. Remember that any time you've got different speakers, you get their own paragraph. It makes conversations flow a lot more for the reader, and it helps you as the writer define your thoughts more. If you're having to rely on color-coding your dialogue, it might be worth considering using paragraph structure to help define the speakers. (Not that there's anything inherently wrong with different colored text for different speakers!)
Another thing I'd like to see is less bolded, out of story transitions. When you're a teaser and you get a big black line if text that blunt informs you what's changing, it can break your rhythm a bit and pull you out of the world. Instead, you can keep your text in the story and move the attention of the reader more naturally.
In the second post when you're introducing us to all the fighters, instead of giving us those hard jumps you could have said something like, "As Gin and his ally struggled, another battle raged across the ring." Or even try to integrate the scenes together, handing the focus from one group to the other as the interact. Something like, " As Gin and his ally struggled, an elf wielding a spear charged past them, thrusting it at an axe-hefting human."
The same style of tradition can be used in a lot of your sorry where you used bold text. I personally think it keeps the reader more connected to your story.
Thanks for the read man, it was a lot of fun!
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Blink - 06-10-2015
I'm gonna start participating in this. I think it's a nifty idea.
I feel like if people are going to submit their own stuff for review, they should at the very least participate and critique someone else's work. You gotta give love to get love.
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Zelda - 06-10-2015
The Book Club is fully updated for this one. Plenty of topics to review here. Remember you only have to review one, but I am sure your fellow players would appreciate it if you did as many as you can~
While, it would be nice if they did review (when they submit their own topics), Blink, I'm not going to make it a requirement just yet. Hopefully many of those that nominate threads will be participating anyways.
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Mickey Mouse - 06-10-2015
I can go ahead and get this one in. Hopefully I'll be able to get around to the other four, they're all on my list.
Midnight Rose
Belle, I have told you enough in the chatbox that you ought to know I'm a big fan of your work and have been for a while. This new Belle is no different.
To start off with, let me just compliment you on your absolutely unique interpretation of the Omniverse's character intro. This is stretching back into your Nexus post a bit (I hope you don't mind) but I am wholeheartedly into the idea that Belle is just a normal girl who Omni pulled into the Omniverse. Now, that said, I am definitely hoping to discover why he chose her later on down the line. I know you obviously can't explicitly state the reasoning -- after all, I suppose no one really knows why Omni chose them -- but it would be nice, later on, to get some hints.
(As a side-note to the above, I'm in love with what you said about the chatbox about her thinking she's a secondary and I would enjoy seeing you delve into that in more specific ways, but I am also a fan of how you managed to so deftly just reference it and I was still able to catch on.)
The Omniverse as a rule has a bunch of characters that lend themselves to a sort of cinematic imagery when it comes to their adventures, and I'll admit I was nervous that Belle wouldn't fit in, being so normal. I was absolutely wrong about that. More than perhaps any other character I've read here except maybe Violet, I feel at points like I'm watching a film when I read some of the action you write. I imagine you have very specific "camera shots" in your head, and I could totally be wrong about that, but it really comes to life in a frame-by-frame way that reminds me a lot of a film.
Your best quality as a writer, though, in my opinion, is your flair for description. Never in the entire thread did I wonder what anything looked like. This is my favorite example, that particularly stuck out to me:
Quote:The glowing sign towered above her as she approached, the single red flower in the middle of the 'o' in ROSE burning bright. As gaudy as it was, it was hardly the only one – rows of similar signs illuminated the darkness, stretching in either direction in a rainbow of vibrant colors.
I can just see it. On the same plane, though, my one criticism also stems from this. Every detail matters, it's true, and you haven't crossed over into the line of too much detail quite yet, but occasionally I get taken out of the story when I'm wondering why you spend time on certain things. The example that sticks out to me is in your Nexus post, when you methodically list off each piece of clothing she wears. It helps me to more evenly match up my vision of Belle with yours, but the payoff just isn't quite there.
That said, even in one post the story is already rather neat. I can't quite see where it's going, but the two posts you've posted have gotten me into Belle as a character enough that I'm willing to stick around for the long haul and see where all this ends up. I can't wait to read the next post in Midnight Rose.
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Thaal Sinestro - 06-10-2015
Belle Wrote:Well, not must, but probably should.Awesome, awesome work! I had a blast reading this, and you really pulled me in to the story. What I liked the most: DETAILS. You have the character little things, subtle things, that brought me into the moment. She didn't just go to the shower, she YAWNED and went to the shower. It sounds stupid when I say it like that, but those little details really being it to life. She took the stairs because the elevator sucked, she had a history with Wrex, she did so many little things that made the world feel lived-in and real.
Was going to submit my Midnight Rose stuff up for peer reading, just wasn't sure on the practices.
Your descriptive details were also strong. I felt like I could see what you saw when you wrote it. One thing I would like to see more of, like I said with Vi, I'd abstract details. Give of done weird similes our relate an object, feature or person to something that it EMOTIONALLY relates to. I think that will really help give your already well-defined world a bit of finishing pop.
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Zelda - 06-10-2015
Oh, sorry there is no length requirement. In fact, I'd prefer a mix of short, medium and long threads. That way everyone has a chance regardless of their schedule to participate here.
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Thaal Sinestro - 06-10-2015
(Hey guys I really apologize for the bugginess of my posting, the inability to quote and the word substitutions. I'm trying my best but working off of a cell is turning out to be kinda rough.)
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Thaal Sinestro - 06-10-2015
Mickey Mouse Wrote:On the same plane, though, my one criticism also stems from this. Every detail matters, it's true, and you haven't crossed over into the line of too much detail quite yet, but occasionally I get taken out of the story when I'm wondering why you spend time on certain things. The example that sticks out to me is in your Nexus post, when you methodically list off each piece of clothing she wears. It helps me to more evenly match up my vision of Belle with yours, but the payoff just isn't quite there.
Asking this vein, I think you could use your descriptive chops in a way that allows you too SHOW us everything that you see without having to simply list it off. I say "show, don't tell."
Give is the details of something by having somebody interact with it in some way as opposed to just outright describing it. I use this method a little TOO much someone's, which can leave the reader wanting to know more, but if you did this in conjunction with your already stellar scene description, I think you'd be on point.
Instead of rattling off the clothing, you could have her put it on, revealing the details of the clothing without breaking the movement of the scene. When you do this out also gives us more insight into the character, the things you are describing, and their relationship between the two things, because you can see HOW they interact with the objects or scenery.
Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Thaal Sinestro - 06-18-2015
I strongly suggest Elfbone Extraction for the next club. It's a great read.
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Re: Let's Read Book Club #16 - Ganondorf - 06-20-2015
Eye of the Storm:
Overall, it was a great read. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was reading a published work. Pretty stoked to have such a fantastic writer on board with the LAW.
I liked how you included a “foreign” language into the scene with Roland and the rough-housers. It really gave it a sense of realism. You injected a little humor in there with the gender confusion and the spice reference from DUNE made me reminisce nicely.
One thing I noticed is that, from what I understand from what Greg told me, is that Roland tends to be more calm and cool in situations, and it seems that you gave him more of a typical Western Sheriff feel. I don’t think you pulled it off poorly, mind you. I’m just not sure if it sticks with the source material. Then again, I MAY be wrong, in which case you did a much better job with Roland than I did.
Your description of that truck was spot on. I had a perfect image of it in my mind. “Show, don’t tell” indeed.
I noticed a few, very minor, spelling and grammar errors throughout, none of which detracted from the read at all. And since I think you’re doing all this via your phone, the quality of your writing is even more impressive.
Thaal’s drive is evident in every sentence you write with him. If I’m to be honest with you, this is FAR better than I remember you writing when the OV first started up. I can’t say enough just how impressed I am with your work.
Some parts seemed a bit over the top: such as Thaal avoiding literally every bullet shot at him. Then again, Sinestro is an extraordinary individual. I just lost a bit of immersion with it though. Everything else showed how, despite Thaal’s great power, he’s fallible as well. I remember fondly Thaal’s intense depression at not being able to summon his ring. Towards the end, with his fight with the Bandit Woman, I could see Thaal once again struggling a bit, but I was hoping for a less even fight. Though, considering the grenade at the end of your last post, it’s possible we could see a beaten a bruised Thaal remembering just how low he had been laid when he was brought here.
To reiterate, your writing was fantastic, and 90% of my critique is pointing out nitpicks or things -I- would have done differently. But this is YOUR story, hoss. I’m just along for the ride.