04-03-2015, 10:46 AM
Here's the feedback I was keeping for you guys.
Aside from my complaints about rehashing, I enjoyed reading your thread. You guys kept getting better each round.
Had this ended a a legitimate fight, the winner would have probably be Sivo.
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Round 1
Sivo
(Grammar/Style} – Purgation? I had to google that to see if it was a real word, and even though it was, I thought it weird. ‘Purification’ or simply ‘purge’ would have been a better word.
(Style) – I like your description of Sivo at the start of paragraph two, but you did lose me a little with the jarring thought and dialogue. My advice would be to definitely dice up your paragraphs, especially anytime you have dialogue or substantial new actions. Not only is it more pleasing to the eyes, but it also builds tension and improves pacing.
(Reader) – My best friend loves Warhammer 40k, so I actually am acquainted with the universe to the point where I’ve read a few novels as well. You capture, in your descriptions and references in speech, the essence of the setting very well.
Jon
(Reader) – I had to go do some small research to figure out why Jon was calling himself a bastard, ahaha.
(Style/Reader) – Not a fan of re-reading the same scene, though. You could have had Jon’s thoughts about it as new action was taking place, rather than overlaying it, especially since the continuity seemed a bit flubbed (you included Sivo’s first remark but left out his longer-winded threats).
Crona
(Style/Reader) – Same thing I said to Jon about me not wanting to re-read the same action, despite the fact that it was nicely written.
(Grammar/Style) – Watch your tenses, you start flipping between past and present a little in your post.
Mako
(Reader) – Kind of seemed out of place. I know you’re just watching the fight before you figure out what to do, but your post just confused me as to what was going on. Was Mako standing with Crona and Jon? Was she just off to side watching? Your post wasn’t poorly written, but it was pretty confusing to figure out where it fit into everything else.
Round 1 Score (Mako is not included as she’s just an observer at this point)
Sivo = (5/3/7)
Jon = (7/3/5)
Crona = (5/3/6)
Round 2
Sivo
(Reader) – Same thing I’ve said to the other two – I’m very against reading the same thing, especially in situations like this where your already limited with how much you can write.
(Reader) – Ahahaha, I always enjoy when a villain gets blasted in the face mid-threats or mid-banter.
(Reader/Style) – You do a really nice job of writing a robotic character, with great emphasis placed on the small details (mention of gyroscopes being displeased and the various cybernetic components). Some parts of it do come off as slightly jarring. “Sivo turned around as quickly as his heavy frame would allow, his gyroscopes communicating their displeasure, rising to his feet” <- This is a really cool sentence, but it doesn’t really work as one whole sentence. Try to chop it up into two, maybe? I know what you were trying to do here, but there’s a way to do it that’s grammatically correct and less awkward-sounding structurally.
(Style) – The bold words are thoughts, correct? I like what you’re trying to do—incorporating Sivo’s thoughts in-between your narrative—but again, I feel like there’s a nicer way to execute it. My advice is to use dashes (like I did in my last sentence). I feel like the suddenness of dashes really heightens those moments when a rage-filled thought pops up into someone’s head, and when done well, they really make a character come alive.
(Reader) – This is a problem a lot of people have (I do this too). As Sivo is standing there, mulling and analyzing, why isn’t one of his two opponents beating his face in? Why would Jon stand by as Sivo tackles Crona and starts punching his face in?
(Reader) – Also, jeebus, man. I think you have some slight overkill with the face-punching. I’m not one to ramble about stats, but Crona’s a durable character whose face should probably withstand many many fists before cracking.
(Style) – Just want to reiterate the point I made in Round 1 about paragraph length.
Jon
(Reader) – Not as bad as round 1 with recycling, but you still could have started shortly after the tackle and incorporated a lot more into the scuffle between Jon and Sivo.
(Grammar) – Apostrophe issues, keep an eye on ‘em.
(Style) – Try not to repeat non-Noun words in the same paragraph. I call this a ‘word hiccup,’ and it can be a bit off-putting. Obviously referencing names is fine, but verbs especially, make sure to vary it up (you used scuffling twice in the span of about 10 words in the last paragraph)
(Reader) – That was a really cool scene where Jon Rambo jumps on Sivo’s back, pulls him down, and just starts stabbing him in the effin’ head. Really brutal (just like Sivo’s early face-bashing on Sivo), and I got a kick out of Jon being zapped by wires in Sivo’s skull. This scene, along with the earlier repulsed arrows, really served to play up Sivo as a beast.
(Style) – Just wanted to say this post flowed very well, even with the little flubs.
Crona
(Reader) – Thank you for taking the advice/feedback to heart <3
(Grammar/Style) – Dunno what tense you’re wanting for this, but you have some flip-floppin’ that makes it hard to tell
(Reader) – I’m sure you were just being cautious with the length restriction, but I would have loved some more attention given to the sword’s transformation. It seemed like some pretty epic stuff (unless this happens all the time).
(Reader) – Holy shit, the 180 that Crona pulls in this post. Before now, he just seemed like a weird kid with a sword and anime hair, but after the scene in the last paragraph, I’ve clearly learned my lesson. Yes, I know, I was aware that he was something more than a kid (I mean you have the words demon sword in your name), but that still didn’t detract from just how cool it was to read this gradual reveal that peels away the layers of innocence to show this weird little monster below. On the other hand, he’s probably galvanized Sivo’s resolve by showcase his full-on demonic side.
Scores
Sivo = (6/3/8)
Jon = (7/3/6)
Crona = (5/2/9)
Round 3
Sivo
(Style) – Try to experiment with smaller sentences. In your first paragraph, I feel like you would have been better served to have shorter sentences. If done properly, they could have portrayed the deadening of Sivo with a little more panache than the longer (and somewhat run-on-y sentences you utilized). I’d think of it as reading the erratic thoughts of someone struggling to retain consciousness or functionality.
(Style) – Coruscating is a strange, 5-dollar word
(Reader) – I think this is your best post in the thread, in terms of my experience reading it. I think it’s just something about the desperation that Sivo feels and his inability to lie down despite the fact that his systems are failing him left and right. I mean, at this point, he seems like the hero, especially given the reveal that Crona is probably not something nice despite his appearance.
Jon
(!!) – Why you late.
(!!!) – Any why you go over limit (not that this is really a fight any longer)
(Style) – Slight overkill on the ellipses.
(Reader) – I said this for Sivo as well, but I feel like this was probably your best post in the thread. You blend a lot of different things into this post and reveal a lot about who Jon is in the process. I would have appreciated a sentence or two more on Jon’s feelings about Crona, but I understand your willingness to want to stick a thumbtack in that until after the scene with the authority.
Crona
(Style) - Keep an eye on your tenses, you swap a little in this post.
(Reader) - I think I would have appreciated more time given (or at least more description) of how Ragnarok heals Crona. A little time spent there would have been nice and help me wrap my head a little more around the character.
(Reader) - Crona's mood changes - are these commonplace? In the last post, he seemed like a monstrous demon hell-bent on destroying everyone, but here, post beatdown, he seems far more vulnerable and human, especially once he's arrested. Is this the real Crona?
Scores
Sivo = (7/3/8)
Jon = (7/3/8/-2) - Late, over word count
Crona = (5/2/7)
---
All of you did a very nice job. As I said to all three of you, my biggest complaint is that I hate reading the same actions written by multiple people. Nothing will ever convince me that, especially in fights, time and words would be better spent on new action and moving the thread forward. You always have afterwards to reflect on your shortcomings or your moments of excellence.
I'm aware that you all have your plans moving forward so feel free to move forward with those. The final scores are as follows:
Total/Average
Sivo = (6/3/7)
Jon = (7/3/6/-2)
Crona = (5/2/7)
Had there been no Imperial intervention, the outcome would have involved Sivo scoring a KO on Crona but being summarily driven off by Jon.
Aside from my complaints about rehashing, I enjoyed reading your thread. You guys kept getting better each round.
Had this ended a a legitimate fight, the winner would have probably be Sivo.
----
Round 1
Sivo
(Grammar/Style} – Purgation? I had to google that to see if it was a real word, and even though it was, I thought it weird. ‘Purification’ or simply ‘purge’ would have been a better word.
(Style) – I like your description of Sivo at the start of paragraph two, but you did lose me a little with the jarring thought and dialogue. My advice would be to definitely dice up your paragraphs, especially anytime you have dialogue or substantial new actions. Not only is it more pleasing to the eyes, but it also builds tension and improves pacing.
(Reader) – My best friend loves Warhammer 40k, so I actually am acquainted with the universe to the point where I’ve read a few novels as well. You capture, in your descriptions and references in speech, the essence of the setting very well.
Jon
(Reader) – I had to go do some small research to figure out why Jon was calling himself a bastard, ahaha.
(Style/Reader) – Not a fan of re-reading the same scene, though. You could have had Jon’s thoughts about it as new action was taking place, rather than overlaying it, especially since the continuity seemed a bit flubbed (you included Sivo’s first remark but left out his longer-winded threats).
Crona
(Style/Reader) – Same thing I said to Jon about me not wanting to re-read the same action, despite the fact that it was nicely written.
(Grammar/Style) – Watch your tenses, you start flipping between past and present a little in your post.
Mako
(Reader) – Kind of seemed out of place. I know you’re just watching the fight before you figure out what to do, but your post just confused me as to what was going on. Was Mako standing with Crona and Jon? Was she just off to side watching? Your post wasn’t poorly written, but it was pretty confusing to figure out where it fit into everything else.
Round 1 Score (Mako is not included as she’s just an observer at this point)
Sivo = (5/3/7)
Jon = (7/3/5)
Crona = (5/3/6)
Round 2
Sivo
(Reader) – Same thing I’ve said to the other two – I’m very against reading the same thing, especially in situations like this where your already limited with how much you can write.
(Reader) – Ahahaha, I always enjoy when a villain gets blasted in the face mid-threats or mid-banter.
(Reader/Style) – You do a really nice job of writing a robotic character, with great emphasis placed on the small details (mention of gyroscopes being displeased and the various cybernetic components). Some parts of it do come off as slightly jarring. “Sivo turned around as quickly as his heavy frame would allow, his gyroscopes communicating their displeasure, rising to his feet” <- This is a really cool sentence, but it doesn’t really work as one whole sentence. Try to chop it up into two, maybe? I know what you were trying to do here, but there’s a way to do it that’s grammatically correct and less awkward-sounding structurally.
(Style) – The bold words are thoughts, correct? I like what you’re trying to do—incorporating Sivo’s thoughts in-between your narrative—but again, I feel like there’s a nicer way to execute it. My advice is to use dashes (like I did in my last sentence). I feel like the suddenness of dashes really heightens those moments when a rage-filled thought pops up into someone’s head, and when done well, they really make a character come alive.
(Reader) – This is a problem a lot of people have (I do this too). As Sivo is standing there, mulling and analyzing, why isn’t one of his two opponents beating his face in? Why would Jon stand by as Sivo tackles Crona and starts punching his face in?
(Reader) – Also, jeebus, man. I think you have some slight overkill with the face-punching. I’m not one to ramble about stats, but Crona’s a durable character whose face should probably withstand many many fists before cracking.
(Style) – Just want to reiterate the point I made in Round 1 about paragraph length.
Jon
(Reader) – Not as bad as round 1 with recycling, but you still could have started shortly after the tackle and incorporated a lot more into the scuffle between Jon and Sivo.
(Grammar) – Apostrophe issues, keep an eye on ‘em.
(Style) – Try not to repeat non-Noun words in the same paragraph. I call this a ‘word hiccup,’ and it can be a bit off-putting. Obviously referencing names is fine, but verbs especially, make sure to vary it up (you used scuffling twice in the span of about 10 words in the last paragraph)
(Reader) – That was a really cool scene where Jon Rambo jumps on Sivo’s back, pulls him down, and just starts stabbing him in the effin’ head. Really brutal (just like Sivo’s early face-bashing on Sivo), and I got a kick out of Jon being zapped by wires in Sivo’s skull. This scene, along with the earlier repulsed arrows, really served to play up Sivo as a beast.
(Style) – Just wanted to say this post flowed very well, even with the little flubs.
Crona
(Reader) – Thank you for taking the advice/feedback to heart <3
(Grammar/Style) – Dunno what tense you’re wanting for this, but you have some flip-floppin’ that makes it hard to tell
(Reader) – I’m sure you were just being cautious with the length restriction, but I would have loved some more attention given to the sword’s transformation. It seemed like some pretty epic stuff (unless this happens all the time).
(Reader) – Holy shit, the 180 that Crona pulls in this post. Before now, he just seemed like a weird kid with a sword and anime hair, but after the scene in the last paragraph, I’ve clearly learned my lesson. Yes, I know, I was aware that he was something more than a kid (I mean you have the words demon sword in your name), but that still didn’t detract from just how cool it was to read this gradual reveal that peels away the layers of innocence to show this weird little monster below. On the other hand, he’s probably galvanized Sivo’s resolve by showcase his full-on demonic side.
Scores
Sivo = (6/3/8)
Jon = (7/3/6)
Crona = (5/2/9)
Round 3
Sivo
(Style) – Try to experiment with smaller sentences. In your first paragraph, I feel like you would have been better served to have shorter sentences. If done properly, they could have portrayed the deadening of Sivo with a little more panache than the longer (and somewhat run-on-y sentences you utilized). I’d think of it as reading the erratic thoughts of someone struggling to retain consciousness or functionality.
(Style) – Coruscating is a strange, 5-dollar word
(Reader) – I think this is your best post in the thread, in terms of my experience reading it. I think it’s just something about the desperation that Sivo feels and his inability to lie down despite the fact that his systems are failing him left and right. I mean, at this point, he seems like the hero, especially given the reveal that Crona is probably not something nice despite his appearance.
Jon
(!!) – Why you late.
(!!!) – Any why you go over limit (not that this is really a fight any longer)
(Style) – Slight overkill on the ellipses.
(Reader) – I said this for Sivo as well, but I feel like this was probably your best post in the thread. You blend a lot of different things into this post and reveal a lot about who Jon is in the process. I would have appreciated a sentence or two more on Jon’s feelings about Crona, but I understand your willingness to want to stick a thumbtack in that until after the scene with the authority.
Crona
(Style) - Keep an eye on your tenses, you swap a little in this post.
(Reader) - I think I would have appreciated more time given (or at least more description) of how Ragnarok heals Crona. A little time spent there would have been nice and help me wrap my head a little more around the character.
(Reader) - Crona's mood changes - are these commonplace? In the last post, he seemed like a monstrous demon hell-bent on destroying everyone, but here, post beatdown, he seems far more vulnerable and human, especially once he's arrested. Is this the real Crona?
Scores
Sivo = (7/3/8)
Jon = (7/3/8/-2) - Late, over word count
Crona = (5/2/7)
---
All of you did a very nice job. As I said to all three of you, my biggest complaint is that I hate reading the same actions written by multiple people. Nothing will ever convince me that, especially in fights, time and words would be better spent on new action and moving the thread forward. You always have afterwards to reflect on your shortcomings or your moments of excellence.
I'm aware that you all have your plans moving forward so feel free to move forward with those. The final scores are as follows:
Total/Average
Sivo = (6/3/7)
Jon = (7/3/6/-2)
Crona = (5/2/7)
Had there been no Imperial intervention, the outcome would have involved Sivo scoring a KO on Crona but being summarily driven off by Jon.
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Dante's Abyss 2015
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