07-11-2018, 09:00 PM
Ok, freeform thoughts as I read it:
One line in: Holy fuck is this a Reservoir Dogs reference?
A few paragraphs in: I think it is and I'm dying
I love the way you're describing Coruscant, it gives me a very Blade Runner feel, and I'm into it
"Mallory kept a tight grip on his phone. Thieves were about as common as people, perhaps even a little more so in Coruscant. So his prosthetic hand kept an iron grip on his phone while he tapped out a message with his free one." Watch the repetition; I realize it was probably just a typo (I make this exact error constantly), but keep an eye out for it
" Occasionally he’d glance up for a moment to make sure he wasn’t walking into any poles or anything. Charlie walked behind him, scanning the crowd as he often did. When you stand almost a foot taller than the average person you’re expected to be a sort of lookout." I might vary your sentence length/structure a little here. It feels a little plodding, despite my liking the visual.
"'you might as well be wearing a sign.'" Capitalization
"The shorter one sighed, finished his text, and pocketed his phone." I'm a stickler for word repetition, so sorry if I'm hammering on a little about it. However, we know it's a phone, so you could say "device" or something similar here and we'd know what you're talking about. IT would help break it up a little, make it flow a little more freely.
" “This ain’t just any ol’ race, it ain’t, this is the F-Zero Series,” he said, stepping closer to the worn flyer advertising that day’s race, “look at these odds, twenty to one on some up and comer, you can’t beat that.” "
In some of the places where you have the speaker continue the sentence, it seems liek it might flow a little better if you allowed their sentence to end and picked it back up after the description. Like:
“This ain’t just any ol’ race, it ain’t, this is the F-Zero Series,” he said, stepping closer to the worn flyer advertising that day’s race. “Look at these odds, twenty to one on some up and comer, you can’t beat that.”
As it is the flow of their speech seems a little off, IMO
"Charlie reached into his coat and held up a thin plastic card between his forefingers. Mallory’s heart fluttered and he reached into his pocket."
Reached and reached, into and into. "Mallory’s heart fluttered and he also stuffed his hand down his pocket" maybe
"Charles said nothing. Their eyes locked and then drifted down towards Mal’s grip. The larger man reached out and grabbed Mallory’s shirt collar and pulled him in close. An acrid cloud of smoke escaped from Charlie’s nostrils and puffed against Mallory’s face." Visceral scene, I like it.
"The racetrack was much like the rest of Tier 4, cramped, loud, and littered with ads. The two bounty hunters pushed their way through all manner of people, humans, orcs, trolls, robots, and all manner of obscure and exotic beings. After warning his companion to not spend all of their money Mallory set off to find them seats. Charlie made his way to the teller counter and placed his bet. One-thousand credits on Stargaze Smoker at twenty-to-one odds. The teller, a young trendy looking girl, raised her eyebrows, took his money, and handed back a ticket. Charlie smiled, thanked her, pocketed the ticket, and set out to find Mallory."
This is a good scene set up, but I'd love to see a little more of the characters interacting with it. We're getting a lot of telling not showing, which is ok in a lot of ways, but I'd love to see the characters entering the scene, and allowing us to learn about the area and the characters within it by seeing YOUR characters interact with them. Show them walking in, past trolls and orcs and robots, shouldering past thme to make their bets. It's also a good way to show us aspects of their character without having to rely on dialogue.
"A well-dressed man with a microphone walked up to her and asked into the microphone, “congratulations on your victory, anything you want to say to your fans?”"
Capitalize the first word of a speaker's sentence, even if there's a sentence leading into it. I've seen it a few times here, so I figured it might be worth pointing out.
"Mallory’s overloaded brain came back online and he stood up and shouted triumphantly." I like this whole paragraph a lot, but I'd love to see a little bit more depth of description. HOW did he shout? What did the rest of his body do?
.... Is this Lil Slugger of Paranoia Agent fame?!!
Ok nah just another solid reference
"Seeing his clear shot evaporate before his eyes the larger bounty hunter took chase. Mallory groaned and followed behind, his biomechanical components still rebooting from the sudden shock. Charlie was barely able to keep sight of the delinquents, the occasional flash of bright pink hair in an ocean of bodies kept him on their trail. He barreled through whatever was in his path be it human, fruit stand, or small animal. The trio turned down back alley after back alley, leading the bounty hunters through the labyrinth that was Tier 4. As Charlie rounded a corner he came face-to-face with the three thieves, they had led him to a dead-end. He growled and raised his hand cannon and held out his palm." Excellent paragraph
"Charlie growled and pawed at his stinging eyeballs. After a few more minutes of painful fumbling he wiped away the tears and blinked a few times and turned to face the pink-haired menace. He raised his pistol off to the side and made a great show of cocking the oversized hammer. It was the kind of pistol that looked like the offspring of a Desert Eagle and a cannon, mean, massive, and heavy. His chest puffed out and his posture swelled out to cover the entire alleyway. Smoke billowed from his nostrils and his eyes shot daggers. His voice, the low rumble of a soot-spewing diesel engine." This is a really really great descriptive paragraph. Really sold it.
"The rusted can soared across the room and smacked against the far wall, it bounced off at an odd angle and came to rest in front of Maxx. He kicked the can back to his brother who stopped it with his foot. A dim battery-powered lantern struggled to fill the ancient meat locker with light. Maxx, the youngest sibling, sat on a stack of pallets, drying his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. Parker leaned into a batter’s stance and swung his bat in slow motion, pretending to hit a homerun. He swung a few more times before standing up straight and glancing through the open door. Dark angular shapes hid in the darkness, vestiges of an abandoned butchershop long forgotten now repurposed as a temporary hideout." Another home run
Ok, it's time for bed, but I'mma finish this thread soon. It's very very enjoyable, and your setting a really great standard here.
I love the characterization and the plot. I think you've got a strong sense of story and imbue it with a lot of personality and flair. You've got a strong Voice too.
Overall I'd suggest distilling a little more description into things like this. You've obviously got the talent to set the scene, but you seem to restrict yourself to doing so as establishing moments, before much action or movement starts. Carry that descriptive tone through your actions, and remember to tell us what the characters are doing as they're talking, walking, betting, or shouting for joy. Through in details that sell the tone of the scene, and keep our mind's eye engaged with more than just dialogue. A good adjective here or there will go far in helping us feel what you want us to feel in the small moments.
Sometimes you fall back onto exposition to do the work of description for you, and I'd suggest swapping that out with interaction, as mentioned above. A lot of your exposition is really great and adds to the story, but just try to make sure that your exposition is doing something for the reader instead of just setting the scene for you. Exposition is great for telling us about the world and for the broad strokes, but nitty gritty details abotu the small stuff as seen through your character's eyes will make the world feel more real and lived in.
There are also a lot of little mechanical errors that you make repeatedly, which tells me it's not a lack of editing and more some holes in your knowledge of grammar rules that's tripping you up. It's definitely not reprehensible, and with a good buddy to help you edit I think you'll elevate your writing a lot. There are just a lot of finicky rules that take time and practice to become second nature.
Overall, I think this is great. As I said, I'mma keep on reading in my spare time, jsut for my own enjoyment. The people in it feel really REAL, and I love the way you set up tension between them, the story, and each other. A+ work there.
One line in: Holy fuck is this a Reservoir Dogs reference?
A few paragraphs in: I think it is and I'm dying
I love the way you're describing Coruscant, it gives me a very Blade Runner feel, and I'm into it
"Mallory kept a tight grip on his phone. Thieves were about as common as people, perhaps even a little more so in Coruscant. So his prosthetic hand kept an iron grip on his phone while he tapped out a message with his free one." Watch the repetition; I realize it was probably just a typo (I make this exact error constantly), but keep an eye out for it
" Occasionally he’d glance up for a moment to make sure he wasn’t walking into any poles or anything. Charlie walked behind him, scanning the crowd as he often did. When you stand almost a foot taller than the average person you’re expected to be a sort of lookout." I might vary your sentence length/structure a little here. It feels a little plodding, despite my liking the visual.
"'you might as well be wearing a sign.'" Capitalization
"The shorter one sighed, finished his text, and pocketed his phone." I'm a stickler for word repetition, so sorry if I'm hammering on a little about it. However, we know it's a phone, so you could say "device" or something similar here and we'd know what you're talking about. IT would help break it up a little, make it flow a little more freely.
" “This ain’t just any ol’ race, it ain’t, this is the F-Zero Series,” he said, stepping closer to the worn flyer advertising that day’s race, “look at these odds, twenty to one on some up and comer, you can’t beat that.” "
In some of the places where you have the speaker continue the sentence, it seems liek it might flow a little better if you allowed their sentence to end and picked it back up after the description. Like:
“This ain’t just any ol’ race, it ain’t, this is the F-Zero Series,” he said, stepping closer to the worn flyer advertising that day’s race. “Look at these odds, twenty to one on some up and comer, you can’t beat that.”
As it is the flow of their speech seems a little off, IMO
"Charlie reached into his coat and held up a thin plastic card between his forefingers. Mallory’s heart fluttered and he reached into his pocket."
Reached and reached, into and into. "Mallory’s heart fluttered and he also stuffed his hand down his pocket" maybe
"Charles said nothing. Their eyes locked and then drifted down towards Mal’s grip. The larger man reached out and grabbed Mallory’s shirt collar and pulled him in close. An acrid cloud of smoke escaped from Charlie’s nostrils and puffed against Mallory’s face." Visceral scene, I like it.
"The racetrack was much like the rest of Tier 4, cramped, loud, and littered with ads. The two bounty hunters pushed their way through all manner of people, humans, orcs, trolls, robots, and all manner of obscure and exotic beings. After warning his companion to not spend all of their money Mallory set off to find them seats. Charlie made his way to the teller counter and placed his bet. One-thousand credits on Stargaze Smoker at twenty-to-one odds. The teller, a young trendy looking girl, raised her eyebrows, took his money, and handed back a ticket. Charlie smiled, thanked her, pocketed the ticket, and set out to find Mallory."
This is a good scene set up, but I'd love to see a little more of the characters interacting with it. We're getting a lot of telling not showing, which is ok in a lot of ways, but I'd love to see the characters entering the scene, and allowing us to learn about the area and the characters within it by seeing YOUR characters interact with them. Show them walking in, past trolls and orcs and robots, shouldering past thme to make their bets. It's also a good way to show us aspects of their character without having to rely on dialogue.
"A well-dressed man with a microphone walked up to her and asked into the microphone, “congratulations on your victory, anything you want to say to your fans?”"
Capitalize the first word of a speaker's sentence, even if there's a sentence leading into it. I've seen it a few times here, so I figured it might be worth pointing out.
"Mallory’s overloaded brain came back online and he stood up and shouted triumphantly." I like this whole paragraph a lot, but I'd love to see a little bit more depth of description. HOW did he shout? What did the rest of his body do?
.... Is this Lil Slugger of Paranoia Agent fame?!!
Ok nah just another solid reference
"Seeing his clear shot evaporate before his eyes the larger bounty hunter took chase. Mallory groaned and followed behind, his biomechanical components still rebooting from the sudden shock. Charlie was barely able to keep sight of the delinquents, the occasional flash of bright pink hair in an ocean of bodies kept him on their trail. He barreled through whatever was in his path be it human, fruit stand, or small animal. The trio turned down back alley after back alley, leading the bounty hunters through the labyrinth that was Tier 4. As Charlie rounded a corner he came face-to-face with the three thieves, they had led him to a dead-end. He growled and raised his hand cannon and held out his palm." Excellent paragraph
"Charlie growled and pawed at his stinging eyeballs. After a few more minutes of painful fumbling he wiped away the tears and blinked a few times and turned to face the pink-haired menace. He raised his pistol off to the side and made a great show of cocking the oversized hammer. It was the kind of pistol that looked like the offspring of a Desert Eagle and a cannon, mean, massive, and heavy. His chest puffed out and his posture swelled out to cover the entire alleyway. Smoke billowed from his nostrils and his eyes shot daggers. His voice, the low rumble of a soot-spewing diesel engine." This is a really really great descriptive paragraph. Really sold it.
"The rusted can soared across the room and smacked against the far wall, it bounced off at an odd angle and came to rest in front of Maxx. He kicked the can back to his brother who stopped it with his foot. A dim battery-powered lantern struggled to fill the ancient meat locker with light. Maxx, the youngest sibling, sat on a stack of pallets, drying his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. Parker leaned into a batter’s stance and swung his bat in slow motion, pretending to hit a homerun. He swung a few more times before standing up straight and glancing through the open door. Dark angular shapes hid in the darkness, vestiges of an abandoned butchershop long forgotten now repurposed as a temporary hideout." Another home run
Ok, it's time for bed, but I'mma finish this thread soon. It's very very enjoyable, and your setting a really great standard here.
I love the characterization and the plot. I think you've got a strong sense of story and imbue it with a lot of personality and flair. You've got a strong Voice too.
Overall I'd suggest distilling a little more description into things like this. You've obviously got the talent to set the scene, but you seem to restrict yourself to doing so as establishing moments, before much action or movement starts. Carry that descriptive tone through your actions, and remember to tell us what the characters are doing as they're talking, walking, betting, or shouting for joy. Through in details that sell the tone of the scene, and keep our mind's eye engaged with more than just dialogue. A good adjective here or there will go far in helping us feel what you want us to feel in the small moments.
Sometimes you fall back onto exposition to do the work of description for you, and I'd suggest swapping that out with interaction, as mentioned above. A lot of your exposition is really great and adds to the story, but just try to make sure that your exposition is doing something for the reader instead of just setting the scene for you. Exposition is great for telling us about the world and for the broad strokes, but nitty gritty details abotu the small stuff as seen through your character's eyes will make the world feel more real and lived in.
There are also a lot of little mechanical errors that you make repeatedly, which tells me it's not a lack of editing and more some holes in your knowledge of grammar rules that's tripping you up. It's definitely not reprehensible, and with a good buddy to help you edit I think you'll elevate your writing a lot. There are just a lot of finicky rules that take time and practice to become second nature.
Overall, I think this is great. As I said, I'mma keep on reading in my spare time, jsut for my own enjoyment. The people in it feel really REAL, and I love the way you set up tension between them, the story, and each other. A+ work there.