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+--- Thread: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) (/showthread.php?tid=1802)
NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Daniel - 06-24-2018
Welcome to the Omniverse Book Club! Here, we put up a new completed topic every fortnight to read and review. By participating you'll earn a bonus 300 OM (subject to change) and you'll be able to suggest a topic of your own for the next fortnight. Aside from the helpful feedback, subjects of the book club will receive a Great or Exemplary bonus for their storyline if they qualify. :omni:
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If you are submitting a thread for the Book Club review/grading please use this form after your review of the current thread. You're welcome, and encouraged to submit any completed topics or multi-topic storylines of your own that have yet to be graded and exceed 4000 words.
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Quest or Personal Storyline?
Participating characters (please list):And finally ....
THIS FORTNIGHT'S STORY
More Coruscant shenanigans? Who DOESN'T love those? I welcome Kuzuru - as various NPCs - to the stage! Two Idiots And a Deathwish
No Word count, thread already received bonuses.
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Daniel - 07-05-2018
THIS IS A THING
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Yu Kanda - 07-05-2018
(working on it, don't worry i didn't forget <3 )
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Yu Kanda - 07-07-2018
It feels like the threads in these book clubs get longer and longer. Being able to read em properly during DA is a challenge, but hey, things we do to help our friends improve right?
I expected a Kuzuru story but was pleasantly surprised when I started figuring out it was an NPC story. Charles, Mallory, parker, Charlie, Sam, Maxx, all of these could well be a prime, you spend enough time fleshing out each of these characters and their personalities that they could easily carry their own story. Heck, they could even be a main prime character. So I would like to start giving you kudo's on the fact you are able to create NPC's of this caliber.
They got introduced one at a time so as a reader I did not get confused.
I have now written down notes as I went through the story, keep in mind these are things that I personally thought that were a bit off or strange. This is constructive criticism hoping it will help you as a writer to see a reader's point of view.
1) “No, no, no,” Mallory said, bucking his shoulder and knocking away Charlie’s mitt, “no way in hell, we’re not here to go burn our money at a goddamned racetrack.”
I love this sentence, 'bucking his shoulder'. It’s a phrase I rarely see used, but then at the end you use goddamned racetrack. Which felt a bit off while reading. Goddamn racetrack would've fit better with the character as I was reading it. Not sure if you did this deliberately?
2) “Right, but I mean, what about the Ashen Blades?”
“Fuck them,” Charlie said pinching the card between his thumb and forefinger and holding it up in front of Mallory, “this right here is our ticket out of that bullshit.”
I like what you did there. Not sure how deep they were in your faction but having them literally spitting in your faction's face was highly amusing to me.
Actually, I just continued reading. I loved this story, if it wasn't set in Coruscant I would say this was a 1960's gangster book. The entire atmosphere was just, delicious. The double-cross, the shooting, the dynamic between the two bounty hunters. Rarely I find NPC threads this enjoyable.
And after all that, you left the reader with nothing but another question. Where will they go next? They didn't gain a single thing besides a headache from this entire thing. Will you continue with these characters?
And as a final question, was Mal based off of the firefly character?
Storywise this thread deserves higher than great. Whatever bonus is given out is of course up to staff to decide. Really enjoyed it Kuzu, well done!
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Shantotto - 07-08-2018
This thread was good, I noticed a strong level of writing that ive not seen with many npc's before, those that i would consider this to be close to are ones written by sammy, so to start things off, thats a major positive.
“20,000 credits, good as cash anywhere outside of Camelot,” This line made me giggle, it gives so much information detailing the situations revolving around Coruscant and Camelot without sounding political, VERY WELL written
All of these npc's seem to have a life all of thier own, mainly in regards one minuet they are gambling the next IT WAS A FIREFIGHT!
and the tortureous scene in the end where amera held the revolver on charlie slowly drawing it out. was arguably my favorite part.
all in all this was an enjoyable read for me, albeit a bit long, id probably recommend for a great bonus if this had not already received a bonus.
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Sasuke Uchiha - 07-08-2018
I want to do this, but I am only half way done with this due to DA. Anyway we could extend this?
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Daniel - 07-08-2018
Ay, that's what I forgot.
Was suppoesed to mention this earlier, but then Joe broke the site for me and I forgot.
I AM EXTENDING THIS FOR ANOTHER WEEK.
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Bandit With No Name - 07-08-2018
I'll try to read at lest part of this later on today.
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Luci - 07-08-2018
I decide to take a break from judging, and THIS is what I do.
Unf, dat aesthetic. If I recall, this is the thread that got me interested in you as a writer to begin with. From the first post you set up this gritty, tarantino-style omniverse-punk aesthetic. You are not forcing the omniverse around your characters, you are thoroughly embracing the setting and using it to drive the plot and style. Having the tough realistic headhunters get jumped by kids with ‘stinky gas’ was a nice touch.
ALL the character’s were amazing. Good characters don’t need pages of exposition to explain them, you get to know them as you go. Mal and Charlie, experienced professionals that get into trouble because of their own thuggish tendencies. Sam and her siblings, the cocky underworld theives. Ameara, the middle-aged crime boss. All these characters draw us in from the moment we see them until their last line. These characters ARE the plot.
Speaking of the plot; wow. It is CHARACTER DRIVEN, by the choices of the characters. It is not ‘oh jeez the king is knocking on the door’ it’s driven by things like charlie placing the bet or choosing not to be carefull with his money. The twist where Ameara knew charles was dope. There’s something so very cool to me about realism in a world run by stormtroopers and pokemon, and things like a botched kidnapping transaction and thugs using their bosses money for gambling, these are natural and realistic consequences that drive a story like this. An oh yeah, the final scene with the gun? Being all foreshadowed? Over the top awesome, I literally loved it. The epilogue was likewise perfect.
Overall, you did something special here. You told a short story. The characters were engaging, the plot was addicting, and it was all wrapped around this perfect aesthetic that made everything so very fun to read. I would give such a thread top marks, as it exactly what a one-off npc thread should be.
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Ezrihel - 07-09-2018
Ooooh my gooood Straz this is just an amazing read.
Characterization:
I wasn't super familiar with these NPCs when I first started the thread, but you developed them (all of them) so well through your writing. For me this area is just off the charts.
I started off just thinking that Charles was just going to be the stereotypical big dumb brute, especially when he came in guns blazing, but I really felt like I was proven wrong by the end of the thread. I like how you draw attention to the fact that he's always smoking cigars, only bolding the point that he's sorta-a-lowlife when he blows smoke in someone else's face. I was unbelievably ready to roll my eyes and scoff in disdain towards him when he hijacked Mal's card and forced them to place a bet; even when it paid off I was waiting for something risky to happen. And it did in the form of three little shits haha!
I love how you used Mal as the main tool for us readers to 'relate' or reference to. This sort of dips into the rather neat effect of having an 'unreliable' narrator, you just stop a bit short on the concept. Mal is, from you we're shown, less shady than say, Charles. He talks about having morals and having more than his partner in that regard. It's a fun Good Cop Bad Cop duality you have going, but Mal is unreliable because we have to question that if he has so much more moral salt than his other half, why does he stick around? Maybe because Charles is a intimidating meadhead, or maybe there's something he sees in him that we don't, or maybe it's something he /can't/ change. Either way I find it neat.
Ameara:
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[spoiler]
![[Image: ameara.png]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/466013361872699392/466045874968199187/ameara.png)
[/spoiler]I fucking love her to no end, okay? She's a villain that feels good to read. You've painted this perfect aura of intimidating and admiration around her. I have a HUGE soft spot for Cyberpunk, especially the whole slumlord criminal kingpin vibe you went for. I adore her, no really, I honestly do. While I won't go into too much detail about the climax, to avoid spoiling it for others reading the thread still, I have to say that she's intense. She's got just the right amount of that haphazard feigned 'carefree' feel to her to make her scary, and how you build to the climax was just as thrilling. How you describe her has just stuck with me very well, seeing as I have a weakness to powerful women as well. How dare you know about all my soft spots and roll them into one character so well.
"She emanated an alien attractiveness, a sort of bizarre elegance befitting a monarch of rust. Half of her head was shaved and covered with cybernetic implants, while the other half was a long mane of bright red hair. Metal screws poked out from beneath her pale skin, implants long since obsolete. A chrome-plated revolver hung heavy in her limp-wristed hand. It stuck out as a glimmering status symbol in a wasteland of decaying industry."
This quote is just... Beautiful to me. It, along with the proceeding paragraph that sets the mood/stage, paints a perfect picture of the landscape in my mind's eye. When I think of Tier 6, it feel natural and makes sense for her to be there, and when I think of her, I get all the aesthetic of the wasteland. She feels as if you were using her as a personification of the setting. Wild, dangerous, unpredictable, hard to look away from. She represents the rotten nature of the setting. All this being said, I have a love/hate feeling with how she was handled. The climax was REALLY cool, but I wanted to see more of her. I want to read more of Ameara being the Queen Bitch of the Junkyard, cut throat and dazzling in the same breath. Maybe you could do some neato flashbacks that follow her building up to right before this thread starts? I'd read that shit in a heartbeat.
The Kids: Blech, I usually hate seeing kids in threads. People use them to soapbox or for wangst the world is so horrrriririririirble points way too often. I'm honestly kinda really hateful towards the whole "I was traumatized 122345530 times as a child so now I'm a psychopathic murder bitch LOLOLOLOLOLOL" angle that a lot of people just love to take when they use young characters. Good news though! You don't really do this! While I could potentially see some people griping about not seeing the kids enough, I think you used them just the right amount in that regard. They were a device to move the plot forward, but they didn't feel contrived. They didn't linger too long or have an inflated presence in the scenes with them.
I DO HAVE TWO MINOR GRIPES THOUGH. Sorry, I can't let you get off the hook too easily now, can I? Towards the end I got a bit confused. It's sorta implied by our duo that during the barfight, the kids betrayed them and grabbed Ms. BAMF. During the actual scene though, Ameara comes out and sees the kids BEHIND the duo, but then thanks them for "coming to get her"?? I don't know, the phrasing in reference to and in that scene is confusing for me, but it's more or less a minor issue when I think over everything else. It doesn't really detract from anything nor does it change the end too much for me either way.
Tiny nitpick: While I love how you describe Charles' voice, by the third time the whole "diesel engine" comparison was starting to get old, so I'm glad it didn't get used again.
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Bandit With No Name - 07-11-2018
Ok, freeform thoughts as I read it:
One line in: Holy fuck is this a Reservoir Dogs reference?
A few paragraphs in: I think it is and I'm dying
I love the way you're describing Coruscant, it gives me a very Blade Runner feel, and I'm into it
"Mallory kept a tight grip on his phone. Thieves were about as common as people, perhaps even a little more so in Coruscant. So his prosthetic hand kept an iron grip on his phone while he tapped out a message with his free one." Watch the repetition; I realize it was probably just a typo (I make this exact error constantly), but keep an eye out for it
" Occasionally he’d glance up for a moment to make sure he wasn’t walking into any poles or anything. Charlie walked behind him, scanning the crowd as he often did. When you stand almost a foot taller than the average person you’re expected to be a sort of lookout." I might vary your sentence length/structure a little here. It feels a little plodding, despite my liking the visual.
"'you might as well be wearing a sign.'" Capitalization
"The shorter one sighed, finished his text, and pocketed his phone." I'm a stickler for word repetition, so sorry if I'm hammering on a little about it. However, we know it's a phone, so you could say "device" or something similar here and we'd know what you're talking about. IT would help break it up a little, make it flow a little more freely.
" “This ain’t just any ol’ race, it ain’t, this is the F-Zero Series,” he said, stepping closer to the worn flyer advertising that day’s race, “look at these odds, twenty to one on some up and comer, you can’t beat that.” "
In some of the places where you have the speaker continue the sentence, it seems liek it might flow a little better if you allowed their sentence to end and picked it back up after the description. Like:
“This ain’t just any ol’ race, it ain’t, this is the F-Zero Series,” he said, stepping closer to the worn flyer advertising that day’s race. “Look at these odds, twenty to one on some up and comer, you can’t beat that.”
As it is the flow of their speech seems a little off, IMO
"Charlie reached into his coat and held up a thin plastic card between his forefingers. Mallory’s heart fluttered and he reached into his pocket."
Reached and reached, into and into. "Mallory’s heart fluttered and he also stuffed his hand down his pocket" maybe
"Charles said nothing. Their eyes locked and then drifted down towards Mal’s grip. The larger man reached out and grabbed Mallory’s shirt collar and pulled him in close. An acrid cloud of smoke escaped from Charlie’s nostrils and puffed against Mallory’s face." Visceral scene, I like it.
"The racetrack was much like the rest of Tier 4, cramped, loud, and littered with ads. The two bounty hunters pushed their way through all manner of people, humans, orcs, trolls, robots, and all manner of obscure and exotic beings. After warning his companion to not spend all of their money Mallory set off to find them seats. Charlie made his way to the teller counter and placed his bet. One-thousand credits on Stargaze Smoker at twenty-to-one odds. The teller, a young trendy looking girl, raised her eyebrows, took his money, and handed back a ticket. Charlie smiled, thanked her, pocketed the ticket, and set out to find Mallory."
This is a good scene set up, but I'd love to see a little more of the characters interacting with it. We're getting a lot of telling not showing, which is ok in a lot of ways, but I'd love to see the characters entering the scene, and allowing us to learn about the area and the characters within it by seeing YOUR characters interact with them. Show them walking in, past trolls and orcs and robots, shouldering past thme to make their bets. It's also a good way to show us aspects of their character without having to rely on dialogue.
"A well-dressed man with a microphone walked up to her and asked into the microphone, “congratulations on your victory, anything you want to say to your fans?”"
Capitalize the first word of a speaker's sentence, even if there's a sentence leading into it. I've seen it a few times here, so I figured it might be worth pointing out.
"Mallory’s overloaded brain came back online and he stood up and shouted triumphantly." I like this whole paragraph a lot, but I'd love to see a little bit more depth of description. HOW did he shout? What did the rest of his body do?
.... Is this Lil Slugger of Paranoia Agent fame?!!
Ok nah just another solid reference
"Seeing his clear shot evaporate before his eyes the larger bounty hunter took chase. Mallory groaned and followed behind, his biomechanical components still rebooting from the sudden shock. Charlie was barely able to keep sight of the delinquents, the occasional flash of bright pink hair in an ocean of bodies kept him on their trail. He barreled through whatever was in his path be it human, fruit stand, or small animal. The trio turned down back alley after back alley, leading the bounty hunters through the labyrinth that was Tier 4. As Charlie rounded a corner he came face-to-face with the three thieves, they had led him to a dead-end. He growled and raised his hand cannon and held out his palm." Excellent paragraph
"Charlie growled and pawed at his stinging eyeballs. After a few more minutes of painful fumbling he wiped away the tears and blinked a few times and turned to face the pink-haired menace. He raised his pistol off to the side and made a great show of cocking the oversized hammer. It was the kind of pistol that looked like the offspring of a Desert Eagle and a cannon, mean, massive, and heavy. His chest puffed out and his posture swelled out to cover the entire alleyway. Smoke billowed from his nostrils and his eyes shot daggers. His voice, the low rumble of a soot-spewing diesel engine." This is a really really great descriptive paragraph. Really sold it.
"The rusted can soared across the room and smacked against the far wall, it bounced off at an odd angle and came to rest in front of Maxx. He kicked the can back to his brother who stopped it with his foot. A dim battery-powered lantern struggled to fill the ancient meat locker with light. Maxx, the youngest sibling, sat on a stack of pallets, drying his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. Parker leaned into a batter’s stance and swung his bat in slow motion, pretending to hit a homerun. He swung a few more times before standing up straight and glancing through the open door. Dark angular shapes hid in the darkness, vestiges of an abandoned butchershop long forgotten now repurposed as a temporary hideout." Another home run
Ok, it's time for bed, but I'mma finish this thread soon. It's very very enjoyable, and your setting a really great standard here.
I love the characterization and the plot. I think you've got a strong sense of story and imbue it with a lot of personality and flair. You've got a strong Voice too.
Overall I'd suggest distilling a little more description into things like this. You've obviously got the talent to set the scene, but you seem to restrict yourself to doing so as establishing moments, before much action or movement starts. Carry that descriptive tone through your actions, and remember to tell us what the characters are doing as they're talking, walking, betting, or shouting for joy. Through in details that sell the tone of the scene, and keep our mind's eye engaged with more than just dialogue. A good adjective here or there will go far in helping us feel what you want us to feel in the small moments.
Sometimes you fall back onto exposition to do the work of description for you, and I'd suggest swapping that out with interaction, as mentioned above. A lot of your exposition is really great and adds to the story, but just try to make sure that your exposition is doing something for the reader instead of just setting the scene for you. Exposition is great for telling us about the world and for the broad strokes, but nitty gritty details abotu the small stuff as seen through your character's eyes will make the world feel more real and lived in.
There are also a lot of little mechanical errors that you make repeatedly, which tells me it's not a lack of editing and more some holes in your knowledge of grammar rules that's tripping you up. It's definitely not reprehensible, and with a good buddy to help you edit I think you'll elevate your writing a lot. There are just a lot of finicky rules that take time and practice to become second nature.
Overall, I think this is great. As I said, I'mma keep on reading in my spare time, jsut for my own enjoyment. The people in it feel really REAL, and I love the way you set up tension between them, the story, and each other. A+ work there.
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Sasuke Uchiha - 07-21-2018
First, yeeeaaaahhhhh boooooiiii. I love Kuzuru’s work and think he is vastly underhyped, so I was extremely happy to see one of his making bookclub! Let’s get right into it!
Maybe it's the love for Pulp Fiction within me, but I love dinner scenes. I feel like this dialogue is intriguing, in the way a Terrtino movie would be, so this was not lost on me, and I quite enjoyed it. Also, Charlie’s an asshole and you do a great way of showing us that, rather than telling us. Kudos.
F-Zero Series, risking it all on a bet to change their stars, and odd couple bickering are some nice ingredients for whatever your brewing up. I dig it so far.
Oh snap, they won! This may not bold well for Kuzuru. I like how you have created suspense here, cause now we’re all wondering how this is going to play out. Excellent storytelling technique!
Dayum, punk kids for the plot twist! You even foreshadowed this at the teller booth! Now we got new conflict to resolve, this is top notch. Loving it!
I'll give more C&C on this, but I wanted to submit what I already had 182 words. Great read! I recommend it for the best bonus!
RE: NEO HYPER Book Club #9 (24th June - 8th July) - Sasuke Uchiha - 08-02-2018
Can we get this updated? Also, I would like to shamelessly nominate my own thread for next Book Club!
The Last Avenger and the World of Omni: Homecoming
Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Sasuke Uchiha, Kuzuru, Erik Vrell, Victor Wolfe
Total character count including spaces: 139,730 (Sasuke: 76,131 Kuzuru: 54,717 Erik:3,736 Victor: 5,146)
Total word count : 24,154 (Sasuke: 13,044 Kuzuru: 9,507 Erik: 650 Victor: 953)
I'd also like to suggest a higher OM reward, simply because of the length of the submission. Thanks! ^_^