07-07-2018, 05:11 PM
It feels like the threads in these book clubs get longer and longer. Being able to read em properly during DA is a challenge, but hey, things we do to help our friends improve right?
I expected a Kuzuru story but was pleasantly surprised when I started figuring out it was an NPC story. Charles, Mallory, parker, Charlie, Sam, Maxx, all of these could well be a prime, you spend enough time fleshing out each of these characters and their personalities that they could easily carry their own story. Heck, they could even be a main prime character. So I would like to start giving you kudo's on the fact you are able to create NPC's of this caliber.
They got introduced one at a time so as a reader I did not get confused.
I have now written down notes as I went through the story, keep in mind these are things that I personally thought that were a bit off or strange. This is constructive criticism hoping it will help you as a writer to see a reader's point of view.
1) “No, no, no,” Mallory said, bucking his shoulder and knocking away Charlie’s mitt, “no way in hell, we’re not here to go burn our money at a goddamned racetrack.”
I love this sentence, 'bucking his shoulder'. It’s a phrase I rarely see used, but then at the end you use goddamned racetrack. Which felt a bit off while reading. Goddamn racetrack would've fit better with the character as I was reading it. Not sure if you did this deliberately?
2) “Right, but I mean, what about the Ashen Blades?”
“Fuck them,” Charlie said pinching the card between his thumb and forefinger and holding it up in front of Mallory, “this right here is our ticket out of that bullshit.”
I like what you did there. Not sure how deep they were in your faction but having them literally spitting in your faction's face was highly amusing to me.
Actually, I just continued reading. I loved this story, if it wasn't set in Coruscant I would say this was a 1960's gangster book. The entire atmosphere was just, delicious. The double-cross, the shooting, the dynamic between the two bounty hunters. Rarely I find NPC threads this enjoyable.
And after all that, you left the reader with nothing but another question. Where will they go next? They didn't gain a single thing besides a headache from this entire thing. Will you continue with these characters?
And as a final question, was Mal based off of the firefly character?
Storywise this thread deserves higher than great. Whatever bonus is given out is of course up to staff to decide. Really enjoyed it Kuzu, well done!
I expected a Kuzuru story but was pleasantly surprised when I started figuring out it was an NPC story. Charles, Mallory, parker, Charlie, Sam, Maxx, all of these could well be a prime, you spend enough time fleshing out each of these characters and their personalities that they could easily carry their own story. Heck, they could even be a main prime character. So I would like to start giving you kudo's on the fact you are able to create NPC's of this caliber.
They got introduced one at a time so as a reader I did not get confused.
I have now written down notes as I went through the story, keep in mind these are things that I personally thought that were a bit off or strange. This is constructive criticism hoping it will help you as a writer to see a reader's point of view.
1) “No, no, no,” Mallory said, bucking his shoulder and knocking away Charlie’s mitt, “no way in hell, we’re not here to go burn our money at a goddamned racetrack.”
I love this sentence, 'bucking his shoulder'. It’s a phrase I rarely see used, but then at the end you use goddamned racetrack. Which felt a bit off while reading. Goddamn racetrack would've fit better with the character as I was reading it. Not sure if you did this deliberately?
2) “Right, but I mean, what about the Ashen Blades?”
“Fuck them,” Charlie said pinching the card between his thumb and forefinger and holding it up in front of Mallory, “this right here is our ticket out of that bullshit.”
I like what you did there. Not sure how deep they were in your faction but having them literally spitting in your faction's face was highly amusing to me.
Actually, I just continued reading. I loved this story, if it wasn't set in Coruscant I would say this was a 1960's gangster book. The entire atmosphere was just, delicious. The double-cross, the shooting, the dynamic between the two bounty hunters. Rarely I find NPC threads this enjoyable.
And after all that, you left the reader with nothing but another question. Where will they go next? They didn't gain a single thing besides a headache from this entire thing. Will you continue with these characters?
And as a final question, was Mal based off of the firefly character?
Storywise this thread deserves higher than great. Whatever bonus is given out is of course up to staff to decide. Really enjoyed it Kuzu, well done!
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You're naive. We're destroyers, not saviors. - Yu Kanda