06-01-2018, 11:04 PM
So I'm going to include a Post-by-post first impression analysis kind of thing as well as a few bits directed towards each writer individually.
Post-by-Post
[spoiler]Post 1 - Android 17
I like the idea of the opening line, but I think Seventeen’s interjection took some of the wind out of it. Also, this is minor, but I believe Jedi should be capitalized.
I’m assuming there was a precursor to this thread and that a lot of the facility’s description was already hashed out, that said a bit more attention to the setting would be nice. As it is I’m imagining two giant ships crashing down through a big glass roof, but I’ve got no idea where this whole thing is taking place.
Your dialogue is very good, I especially like that Bianca did not answer Trixie right away, and instead deflected to add some suspense. Well done.
Seventeen’s memories were nice. I’m glad they didn’t last too long, not that I think they were bad, but I think it’s really easy to fall into the trap of offloading a ton of unnecessary backstory exposition. You did a good job at keeping it brief, but still giving us a peak in 17’s past.
Post 2 - Trixie
Great job keeping things passionate without straying into cringe territory, I personally think that’s a tough balancing act and you did well with it. Nice and succinct, but still powerful.
Not too much more to say, solid post.
Post 3 - Android 17
Good descriptions of Tier 5, I like ‘em.
A couple small grammer and spelling issues at the start, nothing major and nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a once-over.
Again your dialogue is very strong. You do a great job highlighting Trixie’s and 17’s relationship.
Post 4 - Android 17
Solid post all around. No criticism that I can pull up.
Post 5 - All Might
Minor thing, but a dialogue tag with Might’s first line would be nice. I know you find out who is talking in the next line or two, but the less work I have to do to attach dialogue with people, especially characters who were just introduced, the better.
This is more of a pet peeve than anything, but I think it’s a trap a lot of people fall into. In my opinion ellipses should be avoided like the plague and used only when absolutely necessary. I understand what you’re using them for, but I think you can add a natural pause in dialogue in a much more elegant way than an ellipses. Here are a couple examples using your dialogue.
ORIGINAL
Might looked at the message, eyes intense. "...Well, he seems like a reasonable type of guy, from what we heard. He wants to 'settle this like grownups', I'll give him the chance."
REWRITE
Might stared at the message for a moment or two before answering, “well, he seems like a reasonable type of guy ----
ORIGINAL
"We got it Might... and... thank you." Panda said.
REWRITE
“We got it Might, and,” Panda said, paused, and continued, “thank you.”
Your dialogue does get much better in the second half, but the first half felt like everyone was Christopher Walken.
I love the business card! That shit is hilarious and a great use of style.
Post 6 - Android 17
I wanna reiterate, your dialogue is solid af. Especially love this bit -
Seventeen nodded his head. “Looks that way.” He muttered as he summoned a sphere of ki and looked at it for a few moments before letting it fizzle out into the air. “You’re supposed to be made into an example.”
Post 7 - Android 17
Great opening, you did a good job illustrating 17’s distaste and apathy towards this whole thing.
One thing I’d be careful with is the use of “machine-hybrid” to describe 17. It’s a good pronoun, don;t’ get me wrong, but you’ll was to use it sparingly because of how clunky it is. You used it three times right after one another and it definitely lost its luster.
Post 8 - All Might
Ha, I like that opening line. It sets a good tone for Might’s characterization and his approach to fighting.
Would’ve like a bit more description of 17’s super move. Seemed like you glossed over it for the sake of rushing into Might’s spotlight moment.
Decent post, could use a bit of polishing, especially with almost 30 words left over.
Post 9 - Android 17
Not much to say, I caught a small spelling error at the start, but other than that everything else was solid.
Post 10 - All Might
I really really like the first half. All Might’s impression of Seventeen and their short-live clash was well executed.
Personally I didn’t like the quote tag in the middle of the post, it threw off some of the flow, but that’s just me.
Fun post, and well done. I think this might be your strongest one.
Post 11 - Android 17
Again you use “machine-hybrid” a couple times in short succession. Not horrible, but breaks the flow slightly.
The ending was suitably violent for a fight between these two, getting smacked with a car was a good choice.
Post 12 - All Might
I have very little knowledge of All Might’s universe, but I must say I really have a soft spot for characters like him. You do a good job making him likeable.
I don’t like the way this is worded -- “I think I’ve had enough of being ragdolled big guy. You gave it the college try, though.” I can’t put my finger on it, but I think the last half is kinda awkward. Try saying it out loud to get a feel for how it kinda feels odd. I’d suggest removing it or working it in a bit smoother.
Post 13 - Android 17
Great ending to a fun fight! Just some nitpicky spelling errors here, but I’m not too worried about them.
Post 14 - Android 17
Solid post, no real critique to be had.
Post 15 - Cell
This whole sequence was written well, and the only issue I have with it is how easy Cell finds Seventeen. Yeah I know he was high-profile at the time and all that fun metagame shenanigans, but storywise it was a bit boring to have Cell pull “my daddy works at Nintendo so you better tell me where 17 is”. As I said the writing itself was strong I only have a gripe with the lack of meat and potates.
Post 16 - Cell
I like the interaction you had going on between the 17 and Cell, the opening really does a good job of setting the scene.
The second bit started to sag and in the words of Seventeen “I hate monlogues.” Not that you can’t use a good chunk of the fight post for talky bits, but a lot of it felt like filler. Another tidbit is that your dialogue can be rough to follow at times. I know you’re limited in space, especially with Cell’s lisp, but condensing some of the dialogue down and putting description spacers between it would help with the readability quite a bit.
Post 17 - Android 17
Maybe I’m a dumb, but I think I’m missing some context with the opening exchange between Cell and 17. “You’re not supposed to do that, mine can’t do that.” What can’t do what?
Good choice having Seventeen flee rather than fight. It doesn’t seem out of character at all, especially given that he had just fought Might hours earlier. I’m glad it wasn’t brushed off and Seventeen started with a fresh slate.
Post 18 - Cell
Ha, that opening bit with the Jamaican DNA is gold, my only gripe is the second line takes a bit of thunder out of it.
Your control of dialogue is much stronger in this post than the first one.
Post 19 - Trxie
Glad to get a glimpse into Trixie’s mind in the wake of Cell’s ambush. All-in-all good post, the throwback to her past felt slightly on the nose, but it wasn’t terrible or anything.
Post 20 - Android 17
Really not much here to pick apart. Your writing is solid and you do a good job of packing detail in small spaces. My two biggest issues (and mind you they aren’t that big). One you used the old cliched “Hahaha, you fool, you missed me with your strongest move, oh wait you weren’t actually aiming for me.” card. Two the last few sentences felt like filler to meet the wordcount. I mean yeah you set the scene for Cell to have you use the power sword in his post, but I felt your post would’ve ended stronger if it was cut after the explosion.
Post 21 - Cell
This could’ve used a bit more polish, especially at the beginning. Cell tells me that Seventeen’s attack hurt, but other than a line or two the explosion is brushed off. You don’t have to use all 1000 words, but a bit more description about how Cell is burnt or beat up or winded would be a nice fit.
Your dialogue between them is fun and well written, plus I really like that you address the fact that death isn’t the end for a prime. I feel like too many primes ignore the fact that they essentially have infinite lives and it’s nice to have one that uses it as a bargaining chip.
Post 22 - Android 17
There isn’t much to dislike here, I’m glad you chose to keep Seventeen on the run rather than have him miraculously pull stamina out of his ass. The last half where Cell is hunting him feels like a proper life and death hunt so good job there.
There were a couple lines that had minor issues I’d like to address I’ll list two here that I think share a similar problem. Please don’t think I’m nitpicking, it's just that with such a solid grasp of writing it really comes down to dissecting these small hiccups in my opinion.
There was clear and distinct laboriousness to the cyborg’s movements that made him seem much like a wounded gazelle trying to flee from the pride of lions steadily encircling him.
He and Cell exchanged another salvo that left both of them diving to the wayside to avoid shots to the face.
Both of them seem bloated with a few unnecessary words. Here are some rewrites with the extra words removed.
There was distinct laboriousness to the cyborg’s movements that made him seem like a wounded gazelle trying to flee from the pride of lions.
They exchanged another salvo that left both of them diving to the wayside.
I don’t think this is a common issue for you so I won’t harp on you too much, but often times it helps to re-read your work and try to slice away anything that is unnecessary fluff.
Post 23 - Android 17
Heh nice callback to Agent Smith.
Again a great ending to a fantastic fight. Just as Cell did you touched on aspects of the Omniverse and how they relate to the characters within which is always a +1 in my book.
My only gripe, and I should’ve mentioned this in the last post too, but I’m having a hard time picturing the sprinkler system obscuring vision. I understand that an Iso verse is grayscale and all, but even then I’m having a hard time picturing a trained fighter losing track of someone in what amounts to slightly darker rain. Maybe I missed a key piece of explanation somewhere or I’m not imaginative enough, but it just feels a bit odd.
Post 24 - Android 17
Solid post, no complaints, well paced too.
Post 25 - Trixie
I don’t like the little flashback at the start. Don’t get me wrong, it was written well, but opening with it and then another flashback before jumping to present day was a bit jarring.
That aside your description of Trixie vs Chun Li was ace. It can be incredibly difficult to write martial arts and hand-to-hand grappling, but you did an excellent job with it. One of my favorite passages in this thread.
Post 26 - Android 17
Dude you need to make more mistakes, I feel lazy writing solid post everytime.
Post 27 - Android 17
See above.
For real though you’re amazing at creating this little slice-of-life moments that flavor your characters exceptionally well. You have a really good grasp at what makes Seventeen tick.
Post 28 - Android 17
This passage left me confused.
“Get changed.” She instructed. “You’ll be receiving your team placements by the digital, so keep an eye on your tablet or your handheld. Lieutenant wants me back here,” the woman’s facial features made it clear how enthused she would be leading a mission from their base of operations. “I need to ‘acquire experience leading from behind the front’.”
I think it should’ve been split into two sentences or reworked entirely. Additionally I’m not sure if the “I need to acquire experience….” bit was actually said or if it was an air quotes kind of thing. I’m leaning towards the latter, but all-in-all I think this could be revised.
Post 29 - Android 17
Seems odd that Seventeen would even bother with a blaster considering he can shoot laser beams himself.
I’m liking the idea of Slo-Mo, hopefully it gets played upon in the future posts.
Post 30 - Android 17
Damn that went 0 to 100 real fukken quick.
Jesus this fight has a lot of skull popping. Shame that Seventeen’s greenie friend died.
That ending was out of nowhere, I don’t dislike it yet, but I want to see where it goes in the next post.
Post 31 - Android 17
Ehhhh, I’m not sure how I feel about ending the last post so abruptly. You explain what happened, but it kind of feels, I don’t know, cheap? Maybe? You have this super tense action scene and end it with something akin to “rocks fall and everyone dies.” Maybe a paragraph or two of the aftermath would’ve alleviated this, or something along those lines.
That aside this is an intriguing post and gives us a good glimpse into the upper crust of Coruscant.
Post 32 - Android 17
Solid post sprinkled with good backstory.
Post 33 - Trixie
Not much here to talk about. The last bit was abrupt as all hell and took me a second read to realize what had happened. Some unpacking of details would be nice.
Post 34 - Trixie
Holy fuck that was brutal. I like it, I like it a lot.
My only gripe is that this whole sequence felt a bit rushed. Some more visceral descriptions would’ve been nice, especially when Emperor Peppertine was interrogating her.
Still I like seeing snippets of the big names of Coruscant.
Post 35 - Android 17
Cliffhanger ending on a fun thread, I like it. [/spoiler]
Android 17
[spoiler] You're a great writer all around so much of my critique is going to be on the small things. I'm not sure how much revision you do with your work, but I think it wouldn't hurt for you to re-read your writing scanning for silly grammar/spelling mistakes, there isn't many, but they are there. Additionally I think you'd do well to work on cutting the fat out of some of your sentences, again this isn't something you're terrible about, but a few sentences had unnecessary fluff in them. A bit of advice that you might not agree with, but I personally try to cut out as many adverbs as I can I find more often than not I'm using them as a crutch because I don't think the writer will understand what I'm trying to convey with a certain action. Again that is a more personal tip that you may disagree with, but its all I got.[/spoiler]
All Might
[spoiler] You've got a lot of heart and bring All Might to life with your writing. My biggest concerns with your writing is the actual construction of your dialogue. A lot of it feels a bit jumbled and it can be a bit hard tracking who is saying what. Unfortunately there is no silver bullet for this, I'd recommend going through the post-by-post I added because most of this is just small issue exacerbating one another. That said you've got a lot of potential and stood toe-to-toe with one of the best writers on the site so kudos to you![/spoiler]
Cell
[spoiler] My man your interpretation of Cell is a work of art. I've got a soft spot for quirky light-hearted villains and you scratch that itch well. Your characterization is top-notch, but some of your writing seems a bit rushed. Several fight posts glossed over some set-pieces that I think deserved a bit more time. I think you'd benefit from slowing down and breaking apart your scenes to really squeeze that flavor juice out of them. Make Cell's world as vibrant as you make him.[/spoiler]
Trixie
[spoiler] You're a solid writer all around and much like Seventeen I have no major gripes with your work. One thing I noticed is that you use flashbacks quite a bit to allude to your character's past, which is fine, but you have to be careful that they don't break up the flow/continuity of the current scenes. Maybe work on slipping smaller, subtler hints at her past into your writing rather than paragraphs of exposition. Despite that your actual writing quality is fantastic and you do a great job at describing physical actions. Trixie's fight with Chun Li was one of the best described tussles I've had the pleasure to read.[/spoiler]
I'd like to submit a thread of my own for consideration
Two Idiots and a Deathwish
Total character count: 71,385
Total word count: 12,783
Quest or Personal Storyline: Personal
Participating characters (please list): Kuzuru (NPCS)
Post-by-Post
[spoiler]Post 1 - Android 17
I like the idea of the opening line, but I think Seventeen’s interjection took some of the wind out of it. Also, this is minor, but I believe Jedi should be capitalized.
I’m assuming there was a precursor to this thread and that a lot of the facility’s description was already hashed out, that said a bit more attention to the setting would be nice. As it is I’m imagining two giant ships crashing down through a big glass roof, but I’ve got no idea where this whole thing is taking place.
Your dialogue is very good, I especially like that Bianca did not answer Trixie right away, and instead deflected to add some suspense. Well done.
Seventeen’s memories were nice. I’m glad they didn’t last too long, not that I think they were bad, but I think it’s really easy to fall into the trap of offloading a ton of unnecessary backstory exposition. You did a good job at keeping it brief, but still giving us a peak in 17’s past.
Post 2 - Trixie
Great job keeping things passionate without straying into cringe territory, I personally think that’s a tough balancing act and you did well with it. Nice and succinct, but still powerful.
Not too much more to say, solid post.
Post 3 - Android 17
Good descriptions of Tier 5, I like ‘em.
A couple small grammer and spelling issues at the start, nothing major and nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a once-over.
Again your dialogue is very strong. You do a great job highlighting Trixie’s and 17’s relationship.
Post 4 - Android 17
Solid post all around. No criticism that I can pull up.
Post 5 - All Might
Minor thing, but a dialogue tag with Might’s first line would be nice. I know you find out who is talking in the next line or two, but the less work I have to do to attach dialogue with people, especially characters who were just introduced, the better.
This is more of a pet peeve than anything, but I think it’s a trap a lot of people fall into. In my opinion ellipses should be avoided like the plague and used only when absolutely necessary. I understand what you’re using them for, but I think you can add a natural pause in dialogue in a much more elegant way than an ellipses. Here are a couple examples using your dialogue.
ORIGINAL
Might looked at the message, eyes intense. "...Well, he seems like a reasonable type of guy, from what we heard. He wants to 'settle this like grownups', I'll give him the chance."
REWRITE
Might stared at the message for a moment or two before answering, “well, he seems like a reasonable type of guy ----
ORIGINAL
"We got it Might... and... thank you." Panda said.
REWRITE
“We got it Might, and,” Panda said, paused, and continued, “thank you.”
Your dialogue does get much better in the second half, but the first half felt like everyone was Christopher Walken.
I love the business card! That shit is hilarious and a great use of style.
Post 6 - Android 17
I wanna reiterate, your dialogue is solid af. Especially love this bit -
Seventeen nodded his head. “Looks that way.” He muttered as he summoned a sphere of ki and looked at it for a few moments before letting it fizzle out into the air. “You’re supposed to be made into an example.”
Post 7 - Android 17
Great opening, you did a good job illustrating 17’s distaste and apathy towards this whole thing.
One thing I’d be careful with is the use of “machine-hybrid” to describe 17. It’s a good pronoun, don;t’ get me wrong, but you’ll was to use it sparingly because of how clunky it is. You used it three times right after one another and it definitely lost its luster.
Post 8 - All Might
Ha, I like that opening line. It sets a good tone for Might’s characterization and his approach to fighting.
Would’ve like a bit more description of 17’s super move. Seemed like you glossed over it for the sake of rushing into Might’s spotlight moment.
Decent post, could use a bit of polishing, especially with almost 30 words left over.
Post 9 - Android 17
Not much to say, I caught a small spelling error at the start, but other than that everything else was solid.
Post 10 - All Might
I really really like the first half. All Might’s impression of Seventeen and their short-live clash was well executed.
Personally I didn’t like the quote tag in the middle of the post, it threw off some of the flow, but that’s just me.
Fun post, and well done. I think this might be your strongest one.
Post 11 - Android 17
Again you use “machine-hybrid” a couple times in short succession. Not horrible, but breaks the flow slightly.
The ending was suitably violent for a fight between these two, getting smacked with a car was a good choice.
Post 12 - All Might
I have very little knowledge of All Might’s universe, but I must say I really have a soft spot for characters like him. You do a good job making him likeable.
I don’t like the way this is worded -- “I think I’ve had enough of being ragdolled big guy. You gave it the college try, though.” I can’t put my finger on it, but I think the last half is kinda awkward. Try saying it out loud to get a feel for how it kinda feels odd. I’d suggest removing it or working it in a bit smoother.
Post 13 - Android 17
Great ending to a fun fight! Just some nitpicky spelling errors here, but I’m not too worried about them.
Post 14 - Android 17
Solid post, no real critique to be had.
Post 15 - Cell
This whole sequence was written well, and the only issue I have with it is how easy Cell finds Seventeen. Yeah I know he was high-profile at the time and all that fun metagame shenanigans, but storywise it was a bit boring to have Cell pull “my daddy works at Nintendo so you better tell me where 17 is”. As I said the writing itself was strong I only have a gripe with the lack of meat and potates.
Post 16 - Cell
I like the interaction you had going on between the 17 and Cell, the opening really does a good job of setting the scene.
The second bit started to sag and in the words of Seventeen “I hate monlogues.” Not that you can’t use a good chunk of the fight post for talky bits, but a lot of it felt like filler. Another tidbit is that your dialogue can be rough to follow at times. I know you’re limited in space, especially with Cell’s lisp, but condensing some of the dialogue down and putting description spacers between it would help with the readability quite a bit.
Post 17 - Android 17
Maybe I’m a dumb, but I think I’m missing some context with the opening exchange between Cell and 17. “You’re not supposed to do that, mine can’t do that.” What can’t do what?
Good choice having Seventeen flee rather than fight. It doesn’t seem out of character at all, especially given that he had just fought Might hours earlier. I’m glad it wasn’t brushed off and Seventeen started with a fresh slate.
Post 18 - Cell
Ha, that opening bit with the Jamaican DNA is gold, my only gripe is the second line takes a bit of thunder out of it.
Your control of dialogue is much stronger in this post than the first one.
Post 19 - Trxie
Glad to get a glimpse into Trixie’s mind in the wake of Cell’s ambush. All-in-all good post, the throwback to her past felt slightly on the nose, but it wasn’t terrible or anything.
Post 20 - Android 17
Really not much here to pick apart. Your writing is solid and you do a good job of packing detail in small spaces. My two biggest issues (and mind you they aren’t that big). One you used the old cliched “Hahaha, you fool, you missed me with your strongest move, oh wait you weren’t actually aiming for me.” card. Two the last few sentences felt like filler to meet the wordcount. I mean yeah you set the scene for Cell to have you use the power sword in his post, but I felt your post would’ve ended stronger if it was cut after the explosion.
Post 21 - Cell
This could’ve used a bit more polish, especially at the beginning. Cell tells me that Seventeen’s attack hurt, but other than a line or two the explosion is brushed off. You don’t have to use all 1000 words, but a bit more description about how Cell is burnt or beat up or winded would be a nice fit.
Your dialogue between them is fun and well written, plus I really like that you address the fact that death isn’t the end for a prime. I feel like too many primes ignore the fact that they essentially have infinite lives and it’s nice to have one that uses it as a bargaining chip.
Post 22 - Android 17
There isn’t much to dislike here, I’m glad you chose to keep Seventeen on the run rather than have him miraculously pull stamina out of his ass. The last half where Cell is hunting him feels like a proper life and death hunt so good job there.
There were a couple lines that had minor issues I’d like to address I’ll list two here that I think share a similar problem. Please don’t think I’m nitpicking, it's just that with such a solid grasp of writing it really comes down to dissecting these small hiccups in my opinion.
There was clear and distinct laboriousness to the cyborg’s movements that made him seem much like a wounded gazelle trying to flee from the pride of lions steadily encircling him.
He and Cell exchanged another salvo that left both of them diving to the wayside to avoid shots to the face.
Both of them seem bloated with a few unnecessary words. Here are some rewrites with the extra words removed.
There was distinct laboriousness to the cyborg’s movements that made him seem like a wounded gazelle trying to flee from the pride of lions.
They exchanged another salvo that left both of them diving to the wayside.
I don’t think this is a common issue for you so I won’t harp on you too much, but often times it helps to re-read your work and try to slice away anything that is unnecessary fluff.
Post 23 - Android 17
Heh nice callback to Agent Smith.
Again a great ending to a fantastic fight. Just as Cell did you touched on aspects of the Omniverse and how they relate to the characters within which is always a +1 in my book.
My only gripe, and I should’ve mentioned this in the last post too, but I’m having a hard time picturing the sprinkler system obscuring vision. I understand that an Iso verse is grayscale and all, but even then I’m having a hard time picturing a trained fighter losing track of someone in what amounts to slightly darker rain. Maybe I missed a key piece of explanation somewhere or I’m not imaginative enough, but it just feels a bit odd.
Post 24 - Android 17
Solid post, no complaints, well paced too.
Post 25 - Trixie
I don’t like the little flashback at the start. Don’t get me wrong, it was written well, but opening with it and then another flashback before jumping to present day was a bit jarring.
That aside your description of Trixie vs Chun Li was ace. It can be incredibly difficult to write martial arts and hand-to-hand grappling, but you did an excellent job with it. One of my favorite passages in this thread.
Post 26 - Android 17
Dude you need to make more mistakes, I feel lazy writing solid post everytime.
Post 27 - Android 17
See above.
For real though you’re amazing at creating this little slice-of-life moments that flavor your characters exceptionally well. You have a really good grasp at what makes Seventeen tick.
Post 28 - Android 17
This passage left me confused.
“Get changed.” She instructed. “You’ll be receiving your team placements by the digital, so keep an eye on your tablet or your handheld. Lieutenant wants me back here,” the woman’s facial features made it clear how enthused she would be leading a mission from their base of operations. “I need to ‘acquire experience leading from behind the front’.”
I think it should’ve been split into two sentences or reworked entirely. Additionally I’m not sure if the “I need to acquire experience….” bit was actually said or if it was an air quotes kind of thing. I’m leaning towards the latter, but all-in-all I think this could be revised.
Post 29 - Android 17
Seems odd that Seventeen would even bother with a blaster considering he can shoot laser beams himself.
I’m liking the idea of Slo-Mo, hopefully it gets played upon in the future posts.
Post 30 - Android 17
Damn that went 0 to 100 real fukken quick.
Jesus this fight has a lot of skull popping. Shame that Seventeen’s greenie friend died.
That ending was out of nowhere, I don’t dislike it yet, but I want to see where it goes in the next post.
Post 31 - Android 17
Ehhhh, I’m not sure how I feel about ending the last post so abruptly. You explain what happened, but it kind of feels, I don’t know, cheap? Maybe? You have this super tense action scene and end it with something akin to “rocks fall and everyone dies.” Maybe a paragraph or two of the aftermath would’ve alleviated this, or something along those lines.
That aside this is an intriguing post and gives us a good glimpse into the upper crust of Coruscant.
Post 32 - Android 17
Solid post sprinkled with good backstory.
Post 33 - Trixie
Not much here to talk about. The last bit was abrupt as all hell and took me a second read to realize what had happened. Some unpacking of details would be nice.
Post 34 - Trixie
Holy fuck that was brutal. I like it, I like it a lot.
My only gripe is that this whole sequence felt a bit rushed. Some more visceral descriptions would’ve been nice, especially when Emperor Peppertine was interrogating her.
Still I like seeing snippets of the big names of Coruscant.
Post 35 - Android 17
Cliffhanger ending on a fun thread, I like it. [/spoiler]
Android 17
[spoiler] You're a great writer all around so much of my critique is going to be on the small things. I'm not sure how much revision you do with your work, but I think it wouldn't hurt for you to re-read your writing scanning for silly grammar/spelling mistakes, there isn't many, but they are there. Additionally I think you'd do well to work on cutting the fat out of some of your sentences, again this isn't something you're terrible about, but a few sentences had unnecessary fluff in them. A bit of advice that you might not agree with, but I personally try to cut out as many adverbs as I can I find more often than not I'm using them as a crutch because I don't think the writer will understand what I'm trying to convey with a certain action. Again that is a more personal tip that you may disagree with, but its all I got.[/spoiler]
All Might
[spoiler] You've got a lot of heart and bring All Might to life with your writing. My biggest concerns with your writing is the actual construction of your dialogue. A lot of it feels a bit jumbled and it can be a bit hard tracking who is saying what. Unfortunately there is no silver bullet for this, I'd recommend going through the post-by-post I added because most of this is just small issue exacerbating one another. That said you've got a lot of potential and stood toe-to-toe with one of the best writers on the site so kudos to you![/spoiler]
Cell
[spoiler] My man your interpretation of Cell is a work of art. I've got a soft spot for quirky light-hearted villains and you scratch that itch well. Your characterization is top-notch, but some of your writing seems a bit rushed. Several fight posts glossed over some set-pieces that I think deserved a bit more time. I think you'd benefit from slowing down and breaking apart your scenes to really squeeze that flavor juice out of them. Make Cell's world as vibrant as you make him.[/spoiler]
Trixie
[spoiler] You're a solid writer all around and much like Seventeen I have no major gripes with your work. One thing I noticed is that you use flashbacks quite a bit to allude to your character's past, which is fine, but you have to be careful that they don't break up the flow/continuity of the current scenes. Maybe work on slipping smaller, subtler hints at her past into your writing rather than paragraphs of exposition. Despite that your actual writing quality is fantastic and you do a great job at describing physical actions. Trixie's fight with Chun Li was one of the best described tussles I've had the pleasure to read.[/spoiler]
I'd like to submit a thread of my own for consideration
Two Idiots and a Deathwish
Total character count: 71,385
Total word count: 12,783
Quest or Personal Storyline: Personal
Participating characters (please list): Kuzuru (NPCS)
![[Image: ZzG0TJ9.png]](http://i.imgur.com/ZzG0TJ9.png)
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