So I’m going into this thread with little-to-zero background knowledge on either the canon version of the characters or your portrayals in the OV (we didn’t buddy up in the graveyard until the end!)
That said, I really enjoyed this thread, for a few reasons. Primarily, this is an area of the Tangled Green that I have very little background in. Much like some of the sub-zones in the VD, the Naruto stuff wasn’t my forte, so I wasn’t able to do much with it during the general lore development. That makes this fun to read, because I don’t find myself ‘backseat reading’ and nitpicking stuff (I’m serious – I’m really bad about that in Coruscant the Darkshire).
But the real reason I like your thread is that it just feels different from a lot of other stuff I’ve read. We have plenty of ‘smash-and-grab’ action threads in the OV. Where the plot usually rotates around punching and killing and drama. On the other hand, we also have plenty of ‘slice of (quirky) quality of life’ storyline, where ‘Zany Character X’ does goofy, mundane things or silly versions of normal things. It’s a real hoot. While this story had some high drama in the background (Empire shenanigans, blackmail, some action sequences), I felt like the majority of it rotated around the investigation and the more cerebral aspects of Kakashi and Minato. This feels like a procedural cop show, with our two heroes trying to piece together a mystery. While I was a bit overwhelmed by all the ninja/Naruto terms, it didn’t really drown me out or stop me from enjoying everything.
(It’s possible that other writers have wrote similarly themed stories, and I missed them. So if you have, I apologize)
I think the only critique-y thing I want to say is that I’m not a fan of how you format dialogue, Daniel. I’d try and experiment with formatting spoken dialogue and thoughts differently. I kept reading things out loud even though the next clause would be ‘thought’ or something.
Stream of Consciousness Babble in spoiler tags.
[spoiler]
Post 1 – Kak
From the get-go, I found myself interested in reading more. As I said, Naruto is something I know next to nothing about. I know next to nothing about the Ninja Village either. So yea. Who’s the third person in the trio?
OH LAWL ITS KITO #DANIELOG
So is the NV (Ninja Village) large? Are there a bunch of other districts? I’m curious to learn more, even if I might not, because yinz probably laid that out in one of your other various threads XD
“I THINK I’LL HAVE MY MARK” LOL I GET IT EVEN IF IT ISN’T A JOKE
Horse carriages. Now I’m beginning to imagine some type of Victorian ninja town in the woods.
Very nice set-up. Created some intrigue. Left me wondering wtf exactly is gonna happen.
Post 2 – Min
I’m curious to know how many baby steps Kito has taken during his training under Minato (KEKEKE)
This might sound goofy, but I was half-expecting the rooftops of ninja town to be as active as the streets below? With other ninjas just parkouring about on their way to work or whatnot.
Clearly, Kito is still a bit of a scrub. You’d think he would have learned in the span of these years. Git got, scrub-boi.
I like the subtle details the two of you give to help establish the surroundings. It helps remind me that this is an eastern-style area, and I think that’s important. It helps the place feel different than some ho-hum area in Coruscant or Camelot. It’s a small but nice touch.
You don’t need that second comma after feminine. You just need one comma between the two adjectives.
Minato has a dead wife/GF? She die here or in Naruto-verse? Now he’s conflicted if he should eggplant or not? Seventeen knows his struggles, man. Damn Omniverse.
Dunno if you missed it or not, but you may want to use a line break before the text of the note.
I noticed you use single quote marks for both dialogue and thoughts? That was a bit confusing. I’d recommend “ “ for dialogue, and I tend to do thoughts in italics. Some people have their own conventions/symbols, though, but I might avoid the single quotes, since they pop up a lot in normal text.
Post 3 – Kak
Storage scroll? That’s pretty cool
Uh oh
Interesting with the out-of-body bit. Thus far, this is reading like a rather entertaining spy/ninja-thriller.
Post 4 – Min
Again, I know nothing about this stuff. It amuses me that this lady hates paperwork. Who likes paperwork? It’s paperwork. It’s the worst. That’s what lackeys are for.
While I found it strange that the prints/tracks hadn’t been disturbed yet, I really liked the detective scene here. As someone who usually writes high-tech adventures, this is a pretty entertaining alternative.
Post 5 – Kak
Walkie-talkies? Surely, there is a ninja version.
Curious where the ‘scarecrow’ noun comes from. Feels like something lore-related.
Again, it’s amusing for me, a mostly scifi writing her in omni-world, to see the low-tech/magic-ninja equivalent of ‘technomumbojumbo’ as Kakashi muses about ink and opening that magically sealed door.
Post 6 – Min
Y’all blew something up in a previous thread, didn’t you? Jerks
Ahh, beautiful blackmail. How fun. I like that this lends credence to the fact that Kito is a decent person, and not just some naïve idjit. You always have to assume that someone is innocent until they’ve been revealed to be a giant asshole in need of banishment (#ProtoManLogic)
It’s nice to see that Minato isn’t the type to rush in. I feel like many people would have just had their character rush in, WTF scrub people, and win the day. I enjoy that Minato was the type to be like “Let me go take this back to my boss and see what we should do.”
Post 7 and 8 – Kak
I like the contrast between Kakashi and Minato. The over-arching storyline is the same, but the two characters feel different to me, at least at this point. Maybe it’s only because they’ve done different things. I look forward to seeing both in action once the investigation phase concludes.
Love the little ‘the incomplete symbol is a lock mechanism’ thing.
Scarecrow on a giant doggo? Excellent.
Post 9 – Min
I was just thinking of violence, and then Minato got kerplowed in the face.
Very fun fight scene, even if I still haven’t gotten my head around all of the terms and whatnot. Surprising to see Minato get treated, but it creates some doubts and intrigues as the plot moves forward.
Post 10 – Kak
Nice spin with the sonic tech. Feels like a small throwback to the graveyard verse, because didn’t you two both have weapons like that?
I really enjoy the pacing of this thread.
Post 11 – Min and Post 12 - Kak
Very modern hospital, it seems. Florescent lights. Charts.
Still haven’t been able to get a bead on the type of person Tsunade is, but I enjoyed the development here of the overall plot. Watching them think through everything and try to plan their next steps.
Post 13 – Min
I love that they put him in a hospital room with the two people he beat the crap out of.
This post added some nice layers to Minato (at least ones that a first-time reader wouldn’t be exposed to), but I really think you need to mix up how you format dialogue. That’s the only real advice I can give you as a reader.
Post 14 – Kak
Yea, Kito was a Naruto OC from the future, wasn’t he? Interesting bit there.
Also, very entertaining that Minato just played asleep and managed to accrue the information he needed.
Post 15 – Min
Scan the dust?! I really want to just see you two go to Coruscant and do some sort of “Tier 5 Noire” storyline.
I mean, it makes sense that you had that idea to do a Law and Order parody show all those years ago. This thread has a lot of traces of investigative writing, clues, etc. It’s a very nice, slow burn that contrasts with a lot of other thread types here. Well done.
Post 16 – Kak
This feels like a pretty intense conflict brewing. The characters have a very nice combat style that meshes well and makes for entertaining writing. [/spoiler]
I'd recommend 'Sense and Sensibilities and Stormtroopers' for a future book club. It's a cool thread.
OM to the Borg.
That said, I really enjoyed this thread, for a few reasons. Primarily, this is an area of the Tangled Green that I have very little background in. Much like some of the sub-zones in the VD, the Naruto stuff wasn’t my forte, so I wasn’t able to do much with it during the general lore development. That makes this fun to read, because I don’t find myself ‘backseat reading’ and nitpicking stuff (I’m serious – I’m really bad about that in Coruscant the Darkshire).
But the real reason I like your thread is that it just feels different from a lot of other stuff I’ve read. We have plenty of ‘smash-and-grab’ action threads in the OV. Where the plot usually rotates around punching and killing and drama. On the other hand, we also have plenty of ‘slice of (quirky) quality of life’ storyline, where ‘Zany Character X’ does goofy, mundane things or silly versions of normal things. It’s a real hoot. While this story had some high drama in the background (Empire shenanigans, blackmail, some action sequences), I felt like the majority of it rotated around the investigation and the more cerebral aspects of Kakashi and Minato. This feels like a procedural cop show, with our two heroes trying to piece together a mystery. While I was a bit overwhelmed by all the ninja/Naruto terms, it didn’t really drown me out or stop me from enjoying everything.
(It’s possible that other writers have wrote similarly themed stories, and I missed them. So if you have, I apologize)
I think the only critique-y thing I want to say is that I’m not a fan of how you format dialogue, Daniel. I’d try and experiment with formatting spoken dialogue and thoughts differently. I kept reading things out loud even though the next clause would be ‘thought’ or something.
Stream of Consciousness Babble in spoiler tags.
[spoiler]
Post 1 – Kak
From the get-go, I found myself interested in reading more. As I said, Naruto is something I know next to nothing about. I know next to nothing about the Ninja Village either. So yea. Who’s the third person in the trio?
OH LAWL ITS KITO #DANIELOG
So is the NV (Ninja Village) large? Are there a bunch of other districts? I’m curious to learn more, even if I might not, because yinz probably laid that out in one of your other various threads XD
“I THINK I’LL HAVE MY MARK” LOL I GET IT EVEN IF IT ISN’T A JOKE
Horse carriages. Now I’m beginning to imagine some type of Victorian ninja town in the woods.
Very nice set-up. Created some intrigue. Left me wondering wtf exactly is gonna happen.
Post 2 – Min
I’m curious to know how many baby steps Kito has taken during his training under Minato (KEKEKE)
This might sound goofy, but I was half-expecting the rooftops of ninja town to be as active as the streets below? With other ninjas just parkouring about on their way to work or whatnot.
Clearly, Kito is still a bit of a scrub. You’d think he would have learned in the span of these years. Git got, scrub-boi.
I like the subtle details the two of you give to help establish the surroundings. It helps remind me that this is an eastern-style area, and I think that’s important. It helps the place feel different than some ho-hum area in Coruscant or Camelot. It’s a small but nice touch.
Quote: A young, feminine, voice queried. The blonde looked up at a young woman in a long dress and apron standing in front of him, smiling.
You don’t need that second comma after feminine. You just need one comma between the two adjectives.
Minato has a dead wife/GF? She die here or in Naruto-verse? Now he’s conflicted if he should eggplant or not? Seventeen knows his struggles, man. Damn Omniverse.
Dunno if you missed it or not, but you may want to use a line break before the text of the note.
I noticed you use single quote marks for both dialogue and thoughts? That was a bit confusing. I’d recommend “ “ for dialogue, and I tend to do thoughts in italics. Some people have their own conventions/symbols, though, but I might avoid the single quotes, since they pop up a lot in normal text.
Post 3 – Kak
Storage scroll? That’s pretty cool
Uh oh
Interesting with the out-of-body bit. Thus far, this is reading like a rather entertaining spy/ninja-thriller.
Post 4 – Min
Again, I know nothing about this stuff. It amuses me that this lady hates paperwork. Who likes paperwork? It’s paperwork. It’s the worst. That’s what lackeys are for.
While I found it strange that the prints/tracks hadn’t been disturbed yet, I really liked the detective scene here. As someone who usually writes high-tech adventures, this is a pretty entertaining alternative.
Post 5 – Kak
Walkie-talkies? Surely, there is a ninja version.
Curious where the ‘scarecrow’ noun comes from. Feels like something lore-related.
Again, it’s amusing for me, a mostly scifi writing her in omni-world, to see the low-tech/magic-ninja equivalent of ‘technomumbojumbo’ as Kakashi muses about ink and opening that magically sealed door.
Post 6 – Min
Y’all blew something up in a previous thread, didn’t you? Jerks
Ahh, beautiful blackmail. How fun. I like that this lends credence to the fact that Kito is a decent person, and not just some naïve idjit. You always have to assume that someone is innocent until they’ve been revealed to be a giant asshole in need of banishment (#ProtoManLogic)
It’s nice to see that Minato isn’t the type to rush in. I feel like many people would have just had their character rush in, WTF scrub people, and win the day. I enjoy that Minato was the type to be like “Let me go take this back to my boss and see what we should do.”
Post 7 and 8 – Kak
I like the contrast between Kakashi and Minato. The over-arching storyline is the same, but the two characters feel different to me, at least at this point. Maybe it’s only because they’ve done different things. I look forward to seeing both in action once the investigation phase concludes.
Love the little ‘the incomplete symbol is a lock mechanism’ thing.
Scarecrow on a giant doggo? Excellent.
Post 9 – Min
I was just thinking of violence, and then Minato got kerplowed in the face.
Very fun fight scene, even if I still haven’t gotten my head around all of the terms and whatnot. Surprising to see Minato get treated, but it creates some doubts and intrigues as the plot moves forward.
Post 10 – Kak
Nice spin with the sonic tech. Feels like a small throwback to the graveyard verse, because didn’t you two both have weapons like that?
I really enjoy the pacing of this thread.
Post 11 – Min and Post 12 - Kak
Very modern hospital, it seems. Florescent lights. Charts.
Still haven’t been able to get a bead on the type of person Tsunade is, but I enjoyed the development here of the overall plot. Watching them think through everything and try to plan their next steps.
Post 13 – Min
I love that they put him in a hospital room with the two people he beat the crap out of.
This post added some nice layers to Minato (at least ones that a first-time reader wouldn’t be exposed to), but I really think you need to mix up how you format dialogue. That’s the only real advice I can give you as a reader.
Post 14 – Kak
Yea, Kito was a Naruto OC from the future, wasn’t he? Interesting bit there.
Also, very entertaining that Minato just played asleep and managed to accrue the information he needed.
Post 15 – Min
Scan the dust?! I really want to just see you two go to Coruscant and do some sort of “Tier 5 Noire” storyline.
I mean, it makes sense that you had that idea to do a Law and Order parody show all those years ago. This thread has a lot of traces of investigative writing, clues, etc. It’s a very nice, slow burn that contrasts with a lot of other thread types here. Well done.
Post 16 – Kak
This feels like a pretty intense conflict brewing. The characters have a very nice combat style that meshes well and makes for entertaining writing. [/spoiler]
I'd recommend 'Sense and Sensibilities and Stormtroopers' for a future book club. It's a cool thread.
OM to the Borg.