02-25-2018, 04:31 PM
This time around I'm using Jeff's judgement of the Kopaka vs Eowyn fight as a base. Because where's the fun in sticking to the same template every time.
Warren Zimmer vs Xx_Yandere_Lo♥er_xX
WARREN
[spoiler]
The Good
Your first and third posts both came very close to the max word count (though the second was a bit shorter) so good job on that.
You used some vivid imagery at times, especially in your first post:
I also liked the way you made use of your greater number of moves and powers to gain an advantage over Yandere Lover, despite his higher base stats. (for example, using Master Acrobat to jump over his head or switching out your swords with your spear based on what would be the most helpful at any particular time) and took advantage of weak points like aiming for the back of his knees and his balls... it's good thinking, since fighting dirty is a nice way to even the odds in a pinch.
Finally, you did a nice job of explaining Warren's thoughts and feelings throughout the fight as well, and made it fairly clear that the strain of his wounds and fatigue were affecting him and how concerned and angered he was at the thought of being overpowered by a nerd like Yandere Lover. I really liked the "I'm not... DONE YET!" moment that Warren had. It demonstrated his resolve really well. Very dramatic.
The Bad
Repetition... lots of repetition. You don't need to say the same thing multiple times in a row in order to get your readers to remember it. For example:
You didn't actually describe your surroundings at all I don't think, other than to mention that Hecate was fighting nearby. As much as I loved Warren's adaptability, with all those different moves of his, you could have taken advantage of your environment to fight more effectively, rather than simply rushing in each time; since Yandere Lover's ATK & TEC are both higher, that makes for a risky strategy. For example, using Master Acrobat to flip around from tree to tree would have allowed you to take advantage of his lack of ranged moves to safely shoot him from a distance as well as buy yourself time to charge your own moves...
And that was another notable issue with your posts: you didn't go into much detail at all as to how Warren was actually able to keep away from Yandere Lover long enough to charge his moves. This is a major one. If you're going to give your moves long charge times then you'll get to have more powerful moves because of it, but no matter how powerful they are, you won't be able to win fights if you aren't going to write them working the way they're supposed to (well, not unless your opponent does the same thing). For example:
This might not be too clear if you're used to watching animes like DBZ, where people apparently consider it the height of rudeness not to stand still and let their opponent charge up one attack for 2-3 episodes, but in a more realistic situation, you can't afford to do that. In future, you should really try to spend more time writing Warren struggling to avoid getting killed whilst he charges a move.
Last but not least: you don't need to let your opponent decide whether your moves hit or not. I understand wanting to avoid being accused of god-modding, but combat in the OV is intended just to be read like a fight scene in a book; you don't need to wait for your opponent to agree that you are allowed to hit them before doing it.
To avoid god-modding, just portray Stats correctly (e.g. let your opponent block/dodge at least some attacks, especially if they have high TEC) and don't go around doing major damage like cutting off people's arms and legs (unless they've given you OOC permission beforehand, of course).[/spoiler]
YANDERE LOVER
[spoiler]
The Good
First off, congratulations on reaching the exact max word count in all three of your posts! Very impressive.
I thought you did a good job of characterisation in your first post. If there was anyone reading this who was just being introduced to Yandere Lover for the first time, they'd quickly and easily be able to grasp his personality, as it came across really well when he was watching Hecate and deciding to turn on Warren.
Next, I think your level of detail in describing some parts of the fight was excellent, most notably:
The same goes for the NFL-R. When you wrote Warren using it on Yandere Lover, it really felt like a big deal; something that was successfully evening the odds against an otherwise stronger and more skilful fighter. Very good writing here.
You also mentioned the surroundings! With some detail! And at one point you even had Yandere Lover use a tree to help him stand, which I guess counts as using the environment to your advantage...! Sort of!
Finally, you made good use of tactics such as feinting and even using reflected sunlight to blind Warren. Not to mention, some things – such as tossing the nodachi up in the air then catching it again after having pulled Warren into the path of Hecate's attack – were just pretty cool.
The Bad
The thing that stuck out to me the most was that after your first post you seemed to have an awful lot going on in each post with very little in the way of dialogue or even Yandere Lover's thoughts on the situation.
First, the eventfulness. This is a lot like what I said to Cirno & Hecate, but you're cramming entirely too many things into one post... though in your case, the problem is exacerbated due to the lengthiness of each post. All these large numbers of injuries should be mounting up rapidly, and yet it seems instead that you're simply forgetting about them by the time you get to your next post.
And second, the stuff you're missing out to make way for all the eventfulness. Even in the first post, which was the best in this regard, you had him cut off his own dialogue in order to attack... which, admittedly, is a decent tactic... but it was a little disappointing considering Yandere Lover was originally just a Dataverse troll.
I had expected more witty banter from him, but instead it seems like as soon as the fight got underway a switch was flipped and his emotions vanished completely, leaving behind only a skilful but exceedingly boring swordsman. He occasionally had thoughts, but after the first post none of them seemed to carry any real emotion.
You also forgot what people were wearing halfway through the fight, which made some things sound a little odd. You referred to Yandere Lover's cloak billowing in the wind despite the fact that he wears an overcoat, not a cloak, and twice mentioned hitting Warren in the nose even though he was wearing a helmet, which neither of you mentioned being broken or removed at any point.
Finally, this is a minor point... in fact, I'm not even sure it counts as a complaint, really, but the way you described Warren's moves made them seem really interesting and having him use the little scuffle to buy time to charge the NFL-R was a fantastic idea; way to take advantage of the fact that the wording of that move doesn't actually say whether he can attack or not whilst it's charging!
The only problem is that it made me root for Warren instead of Yandere Lover... you made Warren seem cool and Yandere Lover seem bland. It's not really the best road to take if you want to claim victory.[/spoiler]
THE GRADING
[spoiler]
I'm going to be grading based on... uh... two factors... Jeff used five, but I don't really like the idea of level giving an innate advantage as you can already get that from the extra SP. So that one doesn't seem fair to me... also, it's pointless in this case anyway, since these two characters are the same level, so I won't be including the 'Level Advantage' one.
Also, you guys are 1v1ing, so there's no point in including the 'Teamwork' one.
And neither of you used SP, so there's no point in including the 'SP Spent' one...
Warren Zimmer
Technical Skill: 2 (1-5)
Enjoyability: 3 (1-5)
Total: 5
Xx_Yandere_Lo♥er_xX
Technical Skill: 3.5 (1-5)
Enjoyability: 2 (1-5)
Total: 5.5
Xx_Yandere_Lo♥er_xX Wins!
Dabony, you can decide to slay or spare Warren.
THE DAMAGE
In this sub-section I will make a rough estimate as to how much damage each character took during the fight... based on all the major injuries they took (counting up every individual thing like I did for Cirno & Hecate takes way too long... sorry fellas, you're not gonna get to see how badly overkilled you both ought to have been).
Warren Zimmer
His chest is really messed up, with at least two big holes in it from Hecate's icicles and a long, deep slash from the nodachi. He has another hole in his shoulder, is a little bruised and singed from being caught in his own Footbomb explosion, and has a broken nose (and probably cuts on his face, since his helmet must have been smashed at some point). Also, numerous shallow cuts all across his body. He is suffering from a lot of blood loss right now, and so is probably very woozy.
Damage Taken: 17
(One more Moderate Injury, such as a deep cut, will finish him off.)
Xx_Yandere_Lo♥er_xX
He has taken a few shallow cuts in undefined areas, though not nearly as many as Warren, but has also been burned in three places by the Chaotic Quarter Spear Staff & NFL-R; one burn is below his ribs, the others are unspecified. He has a hole in his shoulder from having the spear thrown at him, is bruised and burned from the explosion and has a few other bruises from getting hit by the pole part of the spear.
He's also been knee'd in the nuts and then hit there at least once with the spear. As a result of this, he is in so much pain that he can barely walk. He may have won, but it wasn't pretty.
Damage Taken: 15
(Another Serious Injury would be needed to kill him... he – his balls, especially – may be in excruciating pain, but a lot of his wounds are cauterised or blunt trauma, so blood loss isn't affecting him as badly.)
[/spoiler]
Warren Zimmer vs Xx_Yandere_Lo♥er_xX
WARREN
[spoiler]
The Good
Your first and third posts both came very close to the max word count (though the second was a bit shorter) so good job on that.
You used some vivid imagery at times, especially in your first post:
Quote:Warren refused to give Yandere Lover the satisfaction of hearing him scream in pain despite it feeling like a million lances made out of lava had been inserted into his body. No, that was not an apt description for what this felt like. It was more like someone had distilled the sun into a liquid, and then injected it into his blood stream.These similes really bring the scene alive and lend a feeling of weight and impact to the injuries he received, as well as giving the reader a good impression of how much Warren must be struggling to avoid crying out in pain.
I also liked the way you made use of your greater number of moves and powers to gain an advantage over Yandere Lover, despite his higher base stats. (for example, using Master Acrobat to jump over his head or switching out your swords with your spear based on what would be the most helpful at any particular time) and took advantage of weak points like aiming for the back of his knees and his balls... it's good thinking, since fighting dirty is a nice way to even the odds in a pinch.
Finally, you did a nice job of explaining Warren's thoughts and feelings throughout the fight as well, and made it fairly clear that the strain of his wounds and fatigue were affecting him and how concerned and angered he was at the thought of being overpowered by a nerd like Yandere Lover. I really liked the "I'm not... DONE YET!" moment that Warren had. It demonstrated his resolve really well. Very dramatic.
The Bad
Repetition... lots of repetition. You don't need to say the same thing multiple times in a row in order to get your readers to remember it. For example:
Quote:The relentless assault by the Quarterback of Chaos continued, his every effort put forward to pummel the person into submission so that he could survive. Only one of them could survive this after all, and Warren intended on it being him. Warren was hell bent on surviving because it was the only thing he could do.Mentioning that he wanted to survive once would have been fine, but you've said essentially the same thing for three sentences in a row.
You didn't actually describe your surroundings at all I don't think, other than to mention that Hecate was fighting nearby. As much as I loved Warren's adaptability, with all those different moves of his, you could have taken advantage of your environment to fight more effectively, rather than simply rushing in each time; since Yandere Lover's ATK & TEC are both higher, that makes for a risky strategy. For example, using Master Acrobat to flip around from tree to tree would have allowed you to take advantage of his lack of ranged moves to safely shoot him from a distance as well as buy yourself time to charge your own moves...
And that was another notable issue with your posts: you didn't go into much detail at all as to how Warren was actually able to keep away from Yandere Lover long enough to charge his moves. This is a major one. If you're going to give your moves long charge times then you'll get to have more powerful moves because of it, but no matter how powerful they are, you won't be able to win fights if you aren't going to write them working the way they're supposed to (well, not unless your opponent does the same thing). For example:
Quote:As Yandere Lover came and swung that long sword of his, Warren moved to one side. This allowed him to dodge the strike, and then he switched weapons. The weapon he now wielded was his NFL-R, which he charged up as he dodged yet another slash, and then another from Yandere Lover. Once he had dodged the 3 slashes of that long sword, he fired the NFL-R at Yandere Lover, staggering him.Your NFL-R is described as taking 15 seconds to charge, which means that Yandere Lover must have only tried to slash him once every five seconds... this is very unrealistic. With a sword as big and heavy as a nodachi, he might be slowed down enough that he would only manage to swing once every two seconds... maybe... though with 3s in both ATK & SPD, I'd say he's probably still faster than that.
This might not be too clear if you're used to watching animes like DBZ, where people apparently consider it the height of rudeness not to stand still and let their opponent charge up one attack for 2-3 episodes, but in a more realistic situation, you can't afford to do that. In future, you should really try to spend more time writing Warren struggling to avoid getting killed whilst he charges a move.
Last but not least: you don't need to let your opponent decide whether your moves hit or not. I understand wanting to avoid being accused of god-modding, but combat in the OV is intended just to be read like a fight scene in a book; you don't need to wait for your opponent to agree that you are allowed to hit them before doing it.
To avoid god-modding, just portray Stats correctly (e.g. let your opponent block/dodge at least some attacks, especially if they have high TEC) and don't go around doing major damage like cutting off people's arms and legs (unless they've given you OOC permission beforehand, of course).[/spoiler]
YANDERE LOVER
[spoiler]
The Good
First off, congratulations on reaching the exact max word count in all three of your posts! Very impressive.
I thought you did a good job of characterisation in your first post. If there was anyone reading this who was just being introduced to Yandere Lover for the first time, they'd quickly and easily be able to grasp his personality, as it came across really well when he was watching Hecate and deciding to turn on Warren.
Next, I think your level of detail in describing some parts of the fight was excellent, most notably:
Quote:A flood of nanobots and lasers poured from the older prime's watch, instantly forming a patchy semi-crystalline purple football with odd wires and flashing lights. It gave off the appearance of being heavy, but to Xx_Yandere_Lo♥er_xX's surprise, Warren dropped it, then kicked it. Hard.It really gives the impression of the Footbomb being something worth paying attention to when compared to all the other moves that aren't described this clearly, and so makes for a satisfying read when both fighters get blown off their feet by the force of its explosion a moment later.
The same goes for the NFL-R. When you wrote Warren using it on Yandere Lover, it really felt like a big deal; something that was successfully evening the odds against an otherwise stronger and more skilful fighter. Very good writing here.
You also mentioned the surroundings! With some detail! And at one point you even had Yandere Lover use a tree to help him stand, which I guess counts as using the environment to your advantage...! Sort of!
Finally, you made good use of tactics such as feinting and even using reflected sunlight to blind Warren. Not to mention, some things – such as tossing the nodachi up in the air then catching it again after having pulled Warren into the path of Hecate's attack – were just pretty cool.
The Bad
The thing that stuck out to me the most was that after your first post you seemed to have an awful lot going on in each post with very little in the way of dialogue or even Yandere Lover's thoughts on the situation.
First, the eventfulness. This is a lot like what I said to Cirno & Hecate, but you're cramming entirely too many things into one post... though in your case, the problem is exacerbated due to the lengthiness of each post. All these large numbers of injuries should be mounting up rapidly, and yet it seems instead that you're simply forgetting about them by the time you get to your next post.
And second, the stuff you're missing out to make way for all the eventfulness. Even in the first post, which was the best in this regard, you had him cut off his own dialogue in order to attack... which, admittedly, is a decent tactic... but it was a little disappointing considering Yandere Lover was originally just a Dataverse troll.
I had expected more witty banter from him, but instead it seems like as soon as the fight got underway a switch was flipped and his emotions vanished completely, leaving behind only a skilful but exceedingly boring swordsman. He occasionally had thoughts, but after the first post none of them seemed to carry any real emotion.
You also forgot what people were wearing halfway through the fight, which made some things sound a little odd. You referred to Yandere Lover's cloak billowing in the wind despite the fact that he wears an overcoat, not a cloak, and twice mentioned hitting Warren in the nose even though he was wearing a helmet, which neither of you mentioned being broken or removed at any point.
Finally, this is a minor point... in fact, I'm not even sure it counts as a complaint, really, but the way you described Warren's moves made them seem really interesting and having him use the little scuffle to buy time to charge the NFL-R was a fantastic idea; way to take advantage of the fact that the wording of that move doesn't actually say whether he can attack or not whilst it's charging!
The only problem is that it made me root for Warren instead of Yandere Lover... you made Warren seem cool and Yandere Lover seem bland. It's not really the best road to take if you want to claim victory.[/spoiler]
THE GRADING
[spoiler]
I'm going to be grading based on... uh... two factors... Jeff used five, but I don't really like the idea of level giving an innate advantage as you can already get that from the extra SP. So that one doesn't seem fair to me... also, it's pointless in this case anyway, since these two characters are the same level, so I won't be including the 'Level Advantage' one.
Also, you guys are 1v1ing, so there's no point in including the 'Teamwork' one.
And neither of you used SP, so there's no point in including the 'SP Spent' one...
Warren Zimmer
Technical Skill: 2 (1-5)
Enjoyability: 3 (1-5)
Total: 5
Xx_Yandere_Lo♥er_xX
Technical Skill: 3.5 (1-5)
Enjoyability: 2 (1-5)
Total: 5.5
Xx_Yandere_Lo♥er_xX Wins!
Dabony, you can decide to slay or spare Warren.
THE DAMAGE
In this sub-section I will make a rough estimate as to how much damage each character took during the fight... based on all the major injuries they took (counting up every individual thing like I did for Cirno & Hecate takes way too long... sorry fellas, you're not gonna get to see how badly overkilled you both ought to have been).
Warren Zimmer
His chest is really messed up, with at least two big holes in it from Hecate's icicles and a long, deep slash from the nodachi. He has another hole in his shoulder, is a little bruised and singed from being caught in his own Footbomb explosion, and has a broken nose (and probably cuts on his face, since his helmet must have been smashed at some point). Also, numerous shallow cuts all across his body. He is suffering from a lot of blood loss right now, and so is probably very woozy.
Damage Taken: 17
(One more Moderate Injury, such as a deep cut, will finish him off.)
Xx_Yandere_Lo♥er_xX
He has taken a few shallow cuts in undefined areas, though not nearly as many as Warren, but has also been burned in three places by the Chaotic Quarter Spear Staff & NFL-R; one burn is below his ribs, the others are unspecified. He has a hole in his shoulder from having the spear thrown at him, is bruised and burned from the explosion and has a few other bruises from getting hit by the pole part of the spear.
He's also been knee'd in the nuts and then hit there at least once with the spear. As a result of this, he is in so much pain that he can barely walk. He may have won, but it wasn't pretty.
Damage Taken: 15
(Another Serious Injury would be needed to kill him... he – his balls, especially – may be in excruciating pain, but a lot of his wounds are cauterised or blunt trauma, so blood loss isn't affecting him as badly.)
[/spoiler]
![[Image: Remote_Sensor_Tower_and_the_Fire_Warriors_2.png]](https://image.ibb.co/jSJjAJ/Remote_Sensor_Tower_and_the_Fire_Warriors_2.png)