Dante's Abyss Power Rankings

[Karl Jak]

Dante’s Abyss Power Rankings - Preshow
 
32.  Tamsin Suzaku – A serving girl who seeks her green friend.  The making of a best-selling young adult series.  Way too pleasant and way too oblivious-looking.  We’ll see.
 
31.  Lord Zedd – No clothes?  No skin?  No problem for me.
 
30.  Deadpool – Another year, another time where Mr. Wade shows up fully clothed and stands around until the game starts.  Boring!  Huge disappointment.
 
29.  Madbull – Another year, another cop?  I hope this one doesn’t threaten me with the cuffs (or do I? :*)
 
28. “The Humble Sage” – An old man with no name.  I half-expect us to find out he’s “TRAPPED IN THE OMNIVERSE GOD NUMBER 2432342” by Day 2.
 
27. Enel – TRAPPED IN THE OMNIVERSE GOD NUMBER 2432335
 
26. Batman – Please stop smoking.  It’s bad for your lungs.
 
25. Odin – TRAPPED IN THE OMNIVERSE GOD NUMBER 2432357
 
24. Harry Potter – A wizard.  Wizard?  How quaint.
 
23. Archer – You might not want to announce to the world that you’re a secret agent.  Defeats the purpose.  Also, your suit is cheap.
 
22. Gamzee – Are you sure you wouldn’t rather sign a sponsorship with Pepsi?  They pay better than the second-rate competition you peddle.
 
21. Dane – I’m always a fan of the rugged look.  Grow your hair a little more and you could probably make some money posing for romance novels.
 
20. Jak Mar – Oh, you’re back!  I’m sure you’ll have a blast this time =)
 
19. Malon – See “Suzaku, Tamsin.”
 
18. Clownpiece – Some type of evil fairy from hell?!  Sign me up, sounds fun.
 
17. Isaac – If you’re attempting to fill the ‘metal marine-looking thing’ niche, you have an uphill battle *single tear*
 
16. Bendy – Man, we got fairies from hell, and we got cartoon demons.  And they told me I couldn’t top the cat-dog from last year.
 
15. Cirno – Two fairies?!  Sounds like the beginning of my summer vacation.
 
14. Cell – Hahahahahaha.  And I thought Gero wouldn’t take me seriously.
 
13. Illidan – What’s it like to be with Dracula?  Does he bite hard or is it more of a gentle nibble?? 
 
12. Wu Kong – You don’t look Asian? 
 
11. Abyss – You have a squid on your head.  *muffling in background* Oh, that is your head.  Lovely.  So do you always smell the ocean?!
 
10. Strazio Rockwell – Oh, Mr. Rockwell.  Won’t help me find my missing plane, but the moment we mention violence, you’re beating the door down.  Clap, clap.
 
9. Dawn – A cold-blooded killer.  I’m going to call you “Evil Samus.” 
 
8. Little Ghost – Adorable.  A midget with butterfly wings and a nail. And to think, the last time around all we had going for us was that little mouse guy.
 
7. Vic Hendy – A handyman from Coruscant.  My people tell me this guy seems dumb and naïve.  Has a nice look about him.
 
6. Shinmen – “Not Hiro.” 
 
5. Dust – A self-described ‘lazy beach bum’.  I have some nice cabanas you can stay in after this event, if you don’t have summer plans?
 
4. Gradawdasfsdfasd – I think this is a typo.  ‘The blue girl thing with the dumb face’?  Huh.
 
3. Tony Redgrave – What a stupid, stereotypical Caucasian name.  I’m not even buying these names at this point.
 
2. Tearen Woever – You can change a face and a body, but you can’t change what you are.  Trust me, I’d know.
 
1. Gildarts – Wade is a lazy bum.  This is the de facto “I know how to kill people on an island” person.  Comes with metal, karate-chopping action.  And we don’t have any scary minority women to hack off your limbs.

[Handsome Jack]

First off: 14 out of 32? You and I both know I should be in the top spot, you pretentious pri-primadonna.

Secondly: THIS WAS A JOKE!!!? My life is ruined over your little prank to Pops!? I'ma going to... definitely NOT kill you both and drink your fluids like a milkshake. Definitely not that.

Thirdly: Come on, man. Don't laugh. Kinda thing'll hurt a guy's feelings...

[Karl Jak]

Dante’s Abyss Power Rankings

Day 1 - (kind of incomplete, since 6 people have been in a fight for the majority of Day 1). I might re-adjust rankings after that fight's over -- might not. #Deal #Smooches

32. (Down 8) Harry Potter – Invisibility spell must have gone awry, because the poor boy lost his head. <Collar’d>

31. (Down 15) Bendy – Ink splat.

30. (Down 10) Jak Mar – Waiting for that explosive moment.

29. (Down 4) Odin – Beaten and bloodied, will God #4 stage a comeback?

28. (Up 2) Deadpool – He’s plotting, folks. Lurking and scheming.

27. (Down 8) Malon (Fight)

26. (Down 5) Dane – The saying is “break a leg” …

25. (Down 17) Little Ghost (Fight)

24. (Down 1) Archer – Secret agent man ain’t a secret no more! Have fun.

23. (Up 9) Tamsin – Still alive? This one’s still alive? Cute.

22. (Up 6) “The Humble Sage” (Fight)

21. (Down 4) Isaac – Sorry about your blue girlfriend, Mr. Gray.

20. (Up 6) Batman – The hero we deserve?

19. (Down 4) Cirno – Ice-cold .

18. (Up 4) Gamzee – Trolls are fun. I find some many on the Dataverse. Such lovely opinions, those Trolls.
17. (Up 1) Clownpiece – Hellfire and brimstone!

16. (Down 5) Abyss – Battered but never (stir) fried!

15. (Down 2) Wu Kong – Heart of steel. Face of… less stable steel.

14. (Up 17) Lord Zedd – Anyone let this guy know he should try acting? The charisma.

13. (Down 3) Strazio Rockwell – Let’s be honest, I think being bloody makes this guy work harder.

12. (Up 2) Cell – Can you enlighten me about the perks of Pepsi cola, Sir?

11. (Up 2) Illidan (Fight)

10. (Up 19) Mad Bull – You seen this dude’s chest?

9. (Down 4) Dust – Proved your gusto. Now get some shinies.

8. (Down 3) Shinmen – Swords and beasts. That’s a combo.

7. (Down 4) Tony Redgrade – Resolve.

6. (Up 3) Dawn – Did she reach the climax (of her journey) in that colosseum fight or will she become a force on the island?

5. (Down 3) Tearen Wover (Fight)

4. (Down 3) Gildarts (Fight)

3. (Up 1) Gradasdawawdasda – Have we learned what this thing is called yet?

2. (Up 25) Enel – Good job there, Trapped God #2

1. (Up 6) Vic Hendy – Still a handyman? Let me know when he puts on the necklace.

[Handsome Jack]

Look Karl.

1) Pepsi is the beverage of Champions. Like Pepsi-Man always says: Drink Pepsi or I'll fucking kill you! (Shocked again, but worth it)

2) Thanks for pumping me up a couple slots, I guess, but you put Double Bubble in 3rd place and left me at 12? What? She giving you sexual favors?

3) If that's what it takes, I'm down.

[Karl Jak]

Dante’s Abyss Power Rankings - Day "1.75"

30. (Down 1) Odin – Never found that spark.

29. (Down 4) Little Ghost – Avoided the bug zapper! (for now)

28. (Down 2) Dane – #StillAlive #ICan’tBelieveIt’sNotButter

27. Malon – Farmhand survives a monumental clash of egos

26. (Up 4) Jak Mar – *insert dynamite pun + Wade Wilson insult*

25. (Down 3) “The Humble Sage” – Enigma, this one.

24. (Down 1) Tamsin – I think she got distracted cleaning or something.

23. (Down 8) Wu Kong – Ruh oh.

22. (Up 6) Deadpool – Have fun with that.

21. (Down 5) Abyss – Bonus points for guts.

20. (Down 2) Cirno – Don’t hide too long

19. (Up 1) Batman – Hey, he has friends now. Cute.

18. (Up 6) Archer – You seemed like the type to like blue women and green men. I got some phone numbers you can have after this is over.

17. Clownpiece – Stay burnin’

16. (Down 2) Zedd – Stay angry. No Snickers for you.

15. (Up 6) Isaac – A breakup on the island!? A first. How quaint. I mean tragic.

14. (Down 1) Strazio Rockwell – The worst tracker in the history of forever.

13. (Down 2) Illidan – Scary guy on the prowl now. Scary guy with a scarier friend.

12. (Down 2) Mad Bull – He’s on patrol. Guard your donuts.

11. (Down 3) Shinmen – Drew a bad lot (or did he?!)

10. (Up 2) Cell – I hear Snickers are nice. What can you tell me about those?

9. (Up 9) Gamzee – Troll has quick feet. Watch out.

8. (Up 1) Dust – Petty.

7. (Down 1) Dawn – Addicted to bloodshed.

6. (Down 2) Gildarts – I think people are gonna be sadder you’ll be roaming.

5. (Up 2) Tony Redgrave – More friends for Mr. Redgrave. How cute.

4. (Up 1) Tearen Wover – Scary gravity man and his farmhand are on the loose.

3. Graw – How simple of a name is this? You’d think these people would be more efficient, since I made them from scratch.

2. Enel – #Fatality

1. Vic Hendy – Respect your elders, man.

[Handsome Jack]

Come on, man... why are you doing this to me?

Ugh...

While I don't possess a digestive system nor a biology that requires sustenance, you DO! When hunger strikes, strike back with a delicious Snickers! Because you're not you when you're hungry.

You're also not you when I'M hungry. Because I'ma drink you.

[Karl Jak]

Dante’s Abyss Power Rankings - Day "2.5"

29. (Down 8) Abyss

28. (Down 5) Wu Kong

27. (Up 1) Little Ghost – Napping?

26. Jak Mar – Looking for the perfect combination?

25. (Down 5) Cirno – Hello?

24. (Up 4) Dane – That’s a bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how it works out for him.

23. (Down 13) Shinmen Takezo – And we thought you couldn’t roll snake eyes twice in a row.

22. (Up 5) Malon – Farmhand travels with creepy eldritch pseudo-dad. Fuses to make scary cosmic farmhand. Good luck with that.

21. (Down 2) Batman – Has yet to find the promised land.

20. (Down 9) Dust – Scattered. How’s that feel?

19. (Down 7) Mad Bull – Got two suspects; First-degree murder and conspiracy to commit first-degree murder.

18. (Up 6) Tamsin – oooh, combat … do you have a wolf partner, too?

17. (Up 5) Deadpool – No friends for you, Wade.

16. (Up 1) Clownpiece – My little fairy… is friendship really magic?

15. Isaac – Is this lonely road the only road you’ve ever known?

14. Strazio Rockwell – Now, with friends! (wait this guy has friends?)

13. (Up 3) Zedd – I’m sure those friends you had for 12 seconds are watching and supporting you =)

12. (Up 13) “The Humble Sage” – Oh, I guess he can make plays.

11. (Up 6) Archer – Still the least bling from your friends. Sad!

10. (Down 3) Dawn – Crazy girl on the road again.

9. (Up 2) Illidan – Still scary.

8. (Down 3) Tony Redgrave – Swapping out parts of the utility belt??

7. (Up 3) Cell – Still alive. Still managing to get stuff.

6. Gildarts – Call me when the steamroller starts.

5. (Up 4) Gamzee – Done with the running?

4. (Down 2) Enel – Guy has buckets of charisma, apparently.

3. (Down 2) Vic Hendy – Still holds the nuclear option.

2. (Up 2) Tearen Wover – Violence. This man/thing can’t resist the violence.

1. (Up 2) Graw – Cardio. Lots of cardio.

[Karl Jak]

Dante’s Abyss Power Rankings - Afternoon, Day 4

27. (Up 1) Little Ghost – Dirt nap

26. (Down 3) Shinmen Takezo – We’re all very heartbroken about this one.

25. Cirno – Walking corpse.

24. (Down 5) Mad Bull – Walking corpse redux.

23. (Up 1) Dane – Still Alive!

22. (Up 4) Jak Mar – Oh, Jak Mar

21. (Down 5) Clownpiece – Bloodied but not (yet) murderkilled! Onward!

20. (Down 6) Strazio Rockwell – Nice hand job on that samurai

19. (Up 3) Malon – Fight onward!

18. (Down 3) Isaac – It’s all in your head.

17. (Up 1) Tamsin – Can apparently hold her own

16. (Down 9) Cell – Have fun with that

15. (Down 2) “The Humble Sage” – What’s his next move?

14. (Down 3) Archer – Do you have a holy hand grenade on you?

13. (Up 4) Deadpool – Utility belt full of companions.

12. (Up 8) Dust – Played that situation pretty well.

11. (Down 2) Illidan – Oh, the poor fairy.

10. (Up 11) Batman – Caught the stride.

9. (Down 1) Tony Redgrave – Hope you have more guns.

8. (Up 5) Zedd – Anger’s today’s fashion

7. (Down 2) Gamzee – The fuck did you sign up for?

6. (Up 4) Dawn – Resourceful upgrade.

5. (Up 1) Gildarts – Choo choo.

4. (Down 2) Tearen Wover – You’re the thing the poor, heartbroken space man probably has waking nightmares about.

3. (Up 1) Enel – Don’t go batty (I’m here all week, Ladies and Gentlemen)

2. (Down 1) Graw – I DON’T NEED TO WALK AROUND IN CIRCLES, WALK AROUND IN CIRCLES, WALK AROUND IN

1. (Up 1) Hendy – SCREAMS BREAK THE SILENCE, WAKING FROM THE DEAD OF NIGHTTTT

[Karl Jak]

Dante’s Abyss Power Rankings - Day "5.5"

25. (Down 16) Tony Redgrave – Wasn’t your Abyss :*

24. (Up 1) Cirno – Cold as a corpse.

23. (Down 15) Zedd – That’s what all that anger does to you.

22. (Down 15) Gamzee Makara – Troll to the very end.

21. (Up 3) Mad Bull – Die with your boot on.

20. (Up 3) Dane – Nice stick.

19. Malon – Farm harder.

18. (Up 4) Jak Mar – You got this.

17. Tamsin – I walk this lonely road…

16. (Down 1) “The Humble Sage” – Fighttttttt

15. (Up 3) Isaac – What shall his next move be?!

14. (Up 7) Clownpiece – On fire? Or flaming out?

13. (Down 3) Batman – Fight, Batman!

12. (Up 1) Archer – Limp.

11. Illidan – What’s the next move for big scary?

10. (Up 5) Cell – Hey, you’re still alive.

9. (Down 6) Enel – Are gods supposed to bleed like that?

8. (Down 2) Dawn – Rogue element here.

7. (Up 5) Dust – Kissing Booth: 25 cents

6. (Up 7) Deadpool – Has stuff. Will the long con work out?

5. (Up 15) Strazio Rockwell – Why is this guy still alive?

4. (Down 3) Vic Hendy – Who shall emerge from the crucible?

3. (Up 1) Tearen Wover – Prove yourself.

2. (Up 3) Gildarts – Fist of fury.

1. (Up 1) Graw – We meet again.

[Karl Jak]

Dante’s Abyss Final Standings

21. (Down 6) Isaac – Got to his head.

20. (Down 1) Malon – Fertilizer.

19. (Down 5) Clownpiece – Burned out.

18. (Up 3) Mad Bull – Died with his boots on.

17. (Down 1) “The Humble Sage” – Left the ace up his sleeve.

16. (Down 4) Archer – Whose mother did you pork?

15. (Up 5) Dane – Danes are friends, not food.

14. (Down 5) Enel – Electric.

13. Batman – Didn’t keep his head in the game.

12. Cell – The power of friendship is just enough to get your squashed.

11. (Up 7) Jak Mar – Not a dynamite finish.

10. (Down 3) Dust – Expect more next time.

9. (Up 2) Illidan – Scary and silent.

8. (Down 6) Gildarts – Does vaporizing that poor man make you feel better about how you did?

7. (Up 10) Tamsin – Almost untainted by battlefield ‘friendships’

6. (Down 1) Strazio Rockwell – This probably feels like blue balls, right?

5. (Up 3) Dawn – Was losing for nothing worth letting her escape?

4. (Up 2) Deadpool – Ahh, Mr. Wilson. Always the perennial non-winner.

3. Tearen Wover – Lord of Colosseum is an okay consolation prize.

2. (Up 2) Vic Hendy – Outlives fake friends. Rakes it in. Well played, “Mr. Hendy,” don’t disappear too quickly into all that “handyman work” you do down there in Coruscant.

1. Graw – “The Girl Who Ran”

[Handsome Jack]

Come on, man! I think I did pretty good, all things considered. At least made it to 12th place out of 32 peeps. Give me a little credit, bruh!