Mock Fight: ShadeClaw vs Demetri

[Yu Kanda]

Results will be posted within the next 5 to 6 hours.

[Yu Kanda]

The Results :

First of all, i enjoyed the story allot ! For the both of you this was your first fight and you had some good moves. I also said i will follow Thaal's example with judging. Please don't take any of this the wrong way, its a scoring card, not a weapon used against you as a person. We learn from them and use them to improve for future posts.

You both did great ^^ now for the scorecards :

Demetri Malius :

[spoiler]Total word count: 1663

Description and Clarity: 2.5

You used the forest in the trees to your advantage during combat, this was a sign for me they were actually fighting within a forest as was stated in the openings post. During the battle this is something i was missing. There was no background, there was no setting in which they were fighting. The word grass was dropped several times but it wasn't enough to create a surrounding to the scene.
As i wrote a similar review in Dawnika's scorecard, there is an example of what i mean with describing the scenery.

The moves were very well described, I especially enjoyed the part where your chains used the Kunai.

Voice: 2.5

Within your post I could really connect to Demetri. His fears, his confidence, his struggle, you really knew how to voice the character.
I found this section difficult to grade as i could connect to Demetri yet was still lacking something. All i can say is don't be afraid to add more to Demetri then just the chain throwing assassin. There is more to him than just that, don't be afraid to write about that during a fight.


Character:2.5

The way you described him thinking about how many Kunai he had left really gave him a focused assassin vibe, he had a clear goal throughout the fight. He tried to achieve this in more than one way. Not only did he try to beat her in combat he also pleaded to her trying to avoid getting more hurt. This greatly improved him as a character instead of just a killing machine.
However at no point did it feel his character was anything else then a warrior. You did bring this across very well. But there were no other thoughts that would give us a glimpse of who he is as a person. People are curious about this so make them hungry for more. Put some mystery to the character and it will grow allot more.

Story:2.5

It was a mock fight so the insta-battle was pretty obvious and no point deduction there what so ever.
The story however felt repetitive up until the chains started using the kunai. It felt like the same post but with different wounds. Each post the chains were thrown at Dawnica, and nearly every time she cut them or barely dodged them, getting close to Demetri, attacking and Demetri backed off. i will admit there were differences but in the end many posts felt the same. So as a tip i would like to give you mix it up a bit more, like you did with the kunai and your Tarzan swing.

Grammar and Spelling: 3

I couldn't find many mistakes within your spelling / grammar. Just a few spelling mistakes nothing major. But for tips and advice i can only refer you several amazing writers we have on this site. there are a few threads with tips on how to improve spelling and grammar.

Total score : 13[/spoiler]

Dawnika Snow

[spoiler]Total word count : 908

Description and Clarity: 2

You did a great job describing your character and her moves, yet you forgot to picture the world around them. It was stated that they were travelling within a forest, but at no point did this image get a description. There was a play going on but no background to support it, and even though the play was amazing, it lacked that little extra detail.

With the word count limit you had per post you could spend some on describing the world around your character. For example ;
You wrote : Again she charged her opponent as his chains came back at her.

Descriptive adding : Again she charged her opponent, dashing through the tall wild grass the female warrior sees the chains coming back at her, shredding several bushes along the way.

This way you have created allot more scenery to the fight. Might not be my best work but you get the idea.

Voice: 3
The mood and aura Dawnica gives off is amazing and keeps the same throughout the fight. Even though she gets hurt , you describe how she keeps her vicious killing intend up and trying not to show any emotion at all.

The only thing i can say to improve this is don't be afraid to go into further detail. What does she think, what does she feel when she cuts someone's flesh ( these are just examples of course but you get my point. )

Character:2.5

I enjoyed Dawnica's raw animalistic personality, not letting anything stop her from reaching her goal. She saw her target and she didn't stop until his last breath was drawn. But... that was it, there was no ulterior motive, there was no other emotion, tic, reason behind her rage.

As a tip i could say give her some more inner dialogue, expand on her personality. Give her some traits that you can fall back on once a while. Tell the readers who Dawnica is and bring more depth to her. You have many words available to you, use them to the fullest. Take your time before posting until you feel connected to your character and feel like this will be received by the reading audience as well.

Story:2
It was a mock fight so the insta-battle was pretty obvious and no point deduction there what so ever.
Same as with Demetri's review, the story felt a bit repetitive, Each post the chains were thrown at Dawnica, and nearly every time she cut them or barely dodged them, getting close to Demetri, attacking and Demetri backed off and new injuries were made.

Her Kendo stance was a nice touch and i really enjoyed her using her dexterity throughout the fight, it's a shame she did not use more of it. I will give you the same tip as Demetri, don't be afraid to mix things up, use your surroundings to your advantage. No need to charge in every single time, there are other ways of attacking.

Grammar and Spelling: 1.5

The best tip / advice I can give you here is ; double check your post. Reread the story you just written because there were several spelling mistakes you could've easily avoid. Here are several examples

A grolwl could be heard

Finally within Kagetsume's reach Dawnika blazed in to stike her foe

The mainly due to her two handed precistion

Demetri's chains need to replenish now isbher chance

These are just some of the examples i found within your posts. It stops the flow of reading and makes it more difficult to keep your head in the story. I'm not sure if you typed those posts on your phone or not, but Office word helps keeping those kind of mistakes out.

Some other things that came to my attention were things like :

Dawnika leaped into the air pressing her foot onto his injured shoulder and pressing him to the ground
Dawnika leapt into the air, pressing her foot on to his injured shoulder, pushing him to the ground.

The using of comma within sentences is very important. On several occasions i noticed the lack of them, making the sentence a bit strange and not complete.

Total score : 11[/spoiler]

Final score :

[spoiler]

Demetri 13 vs Dawnika 11

Demetri decides the fate of poor Dawnika

[/spoiler]