"Guu Sighting!" Class Action Newsuit

[Guu]

Melodramatic thriller music disguised as a news theme plays as the text “Class Action Newsuit” floats across the screen before exploding.

A man in a neatly buttoned up suit situated behind an ornate desk, straightens out a stack of papers as he turns to the camera. He proceeds to slip the papers in a shredder and continue with his broadcast.

“Tonight we’ve got an update on Guu Watch! We cut to Audrey out in the field!”

A brunette woman in a yellow poncho stands in what looks like a jungle, but her currently invisible green irises tell a very different tale.

“Thank you Jerald!” She said, nodding at thin air before looking straight into the camera. “As we all know, Guu disappeared months ago after she beat up a child in the main streets of Ambrosia! That’s right, this assault on a child who couldn’t have been more than 5-years old based on his height has sent the once beloved princess into hiding, like a child beating coward! I’m certain her subjects are very disappointed!”

Suddenly, it cuts to Jerald in the studio who is now donning a face of pure and utter sadness with just a hint of knowing smirk

“Gosh, how could the people of Ambrosia feel about Guu leaving, after beating up a child. I’m sure they are all broken up down there, for the child! For this, let’s head over to Sally down in Ambrosia.”

Cut to actual footage of Ambrosia where a slightly hefty redheaded woman is sopping wet in the rain, her t-shirt and hot pants barely do anything to ward off the constant stream of water running down her body.

“God I wish I had that poncho…” Sally said under her breath before turning towards the camera. “Thank you Jerald! I’m on the streets of Ambrosia where we are about to get the opinions of the locals. Uh! Sir!”

Sally hailed a 7-foot man who was built like a gorilla. His face scrunched up in a constant grimace. She shoves a microphone in his face.

“My, you look like a man with some strong opinions! What do you think of Guu leaving after beating up a child?”
 
He snorted loudly before leaning close into the mic.

“I don’t know why you tabloid crap always got to harp on that! It was clearly out of self-defense!”

A number of citizens who stopped to spectate the interview in back nodded in agreement to the muscle man’s words.

Sally pulled the microphone back into her own face and turned to the camera, taking a few steps forward to obscure the man and the growing crowd of onlookers from view.

“You heard it first! The boy was only trying to defend himself from a nasty nasty princess!”

“Wait, that’s not what I sa-”

Suddenly, it cuts back to Jerald who’s smugly shaking his head, his mouth in a constant grin like he had the perfect hand in poker.

“Those poor poor Ambrosians!” He said, his voice wobbling like a soap opera star in a season finale. Suddenly, his composure came back in an instant. “Now back to Audrey!”

Cut to Audrey who is giving Jerald a death eye, an invisible death eye.

“Oh, can I report the story now?” She said grunting before turning to face the camera. “Guu, who has been a complete no-show for months, suddenly popped up in the Tangled Green wilderness! We have the exclusive clip here on Class Action Newsuit!”

The video contains the following image:

“My word!” Cried out Jerald in horror. “She’s covered in hair!”

“That’s right! All that time in the woods grew out her hair! She’s a complete mess now!”

“I can’t imagine shaving that much of my body!”

Cut to Jerald

“Of course, we’ll keep you updated as this story unfolds! Coming next! Gilgamesh, possible lesbian? Find out after the break!”