Omni-Ads TV

[Gildarts]

The scene of this advertisement begins after a brief yet dramatic black blank-screened pause. A man with freshly whipped orange hair combed into a perfectly set fo-hawk had been designed and selected because his features happened to pop and resemble the distinct Prime Gildarts Clive, however without being him so that the company didn't have to track down and convince the esteemed prime to sponsor their baseless product. What mattered was not that the audience did not know the model’s name, but that they knew the face of who he was portraying.

The actor’s jawline was covered in speckled dark powder to take the shape of Gildarts Clive’s classic and well-known five o’clock shadow. After appearing on Dante’s Abyss two times and the rumors of this being a prime of unrivaled power, the man’s face was well known and would likely elicit some sort of emotion or idolization through the unachievable “Strongest Prime” title. This advertisement was aimed directly to their product’s targeted demographic. The weak who felt inadequate, the ad would play to their insecurities whilst also inspiring a way “out” of them.

“Hello, I’m the strongest prime,” the imposter said as he casually strolled through a wall. Classic Gildarts. The wall however rather than disintegrating into cubes just exploded like some flashy action film and crumbled around the man's shirtless shoulders. “If you feel outnumbered in this world of crazy powerful and threatening beings, then stay tuned. I have a solution that will change your life.”

"Gildarts" continued to walk through an office building, his strut unaltered despite the cubicles and desks that his presence was ripping apart. Shreds of paper lingered in the air as, with every step, the camera swept viewing the “Prime” as he bulldozed all that lay in his path.

“I don’t bother sleeping at night because well I’m not weak," There was a smirk at the mention of the classic trope, "But that doesn't stop my morning routine. After spending the night trying not to destroy the verse I’m currently inhabiting, I make a smoothie with BUFF Powder©. I don’t bother reading the label, because that’s a waste of my strong-time but I use it every day to keep my powers beefed up and help better concentrate my rage.” The actor was now in the paved street again, the set was meant to resemble a relatable modern earth-city street. A car had screeched toward him but pseudo-Gildarts didn’t even slow his pace as his silver-painted hand casually flicked the car out of site and off screen with a loud explosion and the fire dazzled the pallor of his face.

“Like I was saying, I use BUFF Powder© so I can control and hone my skills, and you can trust me if I’m saying it works like magic.” Actor Gil had a twinkle in his eye as he winked at the camera and women who were nearly nude walked up to either side of the mage and started to gaze at him in adulation.

Sex sells. “So if you want to never have your woman doubt your puny muscles again, if you want to be able to protect your family or just punch that jerk who ate your sandwich at work, use BUFF Powder© and instantly feel stronger. Never let anyone tell you what to do again. That’s how you can become more like the Strongest Prime. Want to become a TUFF GUY? BUFF Powder©. It’s just like magic.”

Text showed up at the bottom of the screen tinily showing the stipulations of using the supplement but to distract the audience of this, fake Gildarts’ lips were kidnapped by the hot blonde lady underneath his left metallic arm and the five o'clock shadow began to messily smear as the kiss grew more violent and forceful. Wild theme music began to play and the screen faded to black as the next advertisement began to play.

[Dane Regan]

I regret everything.

From black, the next advert fades in. Overlayed on the screen in the bottom right corner is some small yellow text:

"[Insert terms of use here]"

The scene shows a couple, a teenaged boy and girl, sitting together on a wooden bench. Behind them are cardboard cutouts of trees and an obvious stock photo of Minas Tirith printed out on A4 and stuck to a sign. All this is in a green room with green fabric draped over the floor and far walls.

The girl speaks in obviously exaggerated and forced tones. "Let's take a selfie together! That is a really fun thing that people do together."

The guy replies in complete monotone. "Yes. Let us do that, my girlfriend. As we are on a date that is something we should do."

The girl reaches into her pocket, fumbling and trying to get her phone out of the small and tight storage area. Eventually, she manages and reaches forwards holding her phone to try and fit both her and her 'boyfriend' into the photo. Again, she speaks in the same way as before. "Oh no! My arm is not long enough to fit both me and my boyfriend into the photo. And I can't fit in the beautiful-" she gestures at the Minas Tirith photo "-scenery. If only my arm was longer. If only I had some kind of selfie assisting device."

From the left of the screen, a man wearing armour made of cardboard with three selfie sticks strapped to his waist and a cheap plastic mask with Dane's face printed on runs past. He holds up a wad of papers, on the back of which the word "script" is written in big bold letters. He speaks, pausing every couple of words. "Never... fear. The selfie... stick man... is here?"

The guy on the bench looks towards the 'selfie... stick man'. Apparently unphased by him not being a stickman, he talks again, still in dull monotone.

"Wow. Selfie-stick man. My hero. Have you come to assist us in this selfie dilemma."

Selfie-stick man drops the 'script' and turns towards the camera, showing a thumbs up. "Yes, I have. My... erm..." He reaches down searches through the mess of paper before grabbing one of the sheets and standing back my. "Fan!" He pauses. "For only 50 omni-credits you can buy a selfie stick."

"Wow! What is a selfie stick?" the girl asks, "will it help me take a good selfie with my boyfriend on our date?"

"Why... yes of.... course it will. You see, if you attach it to your phone (or tablet) like so." The man tries to ram one of the sticks from his belt into the phone while still looking at the camera and away from the girl and boy. As a consequence, both fall to the floor with a loud thud. From offscreen someone reaches in with a phone ready connected to a selfie stick and passes it to the selfie stick man, who in turn passes it to the girl.

"Wow! Science sure is amazing if it can create devices to let you take selfies from a bigger distance. Thank you selfie stick man!"

Still facing the camera, selfie stick man holds up his other two selfie sticks, dropping the paper again. "No. Thank you!" He pauses, looking left and right. "I must go. My people need me... Selfie stick man, away!" He turns, running off the right of the screen. As he runs, both of his arms lay stretched out behind him, still holding the selfie sticks. 

A few seconds later someone in a black costume with paper bat ears enters from the left of the screen and chases after him. "You will never get away from me!"

The screen fades to black with the couple silently talking, the girl holding up the selfie stick and emphasising that she is taking photos by using both hands to hold the selfie stick.

White text appears on the screen in big, bold, impact font.

"Get your selfie sticks today! Only 50 Omni-Credits! Call 420-69-selfie today or go to our website at www.self.ie/buy and use the code DANE_FOR_DA18_WINNER to get 1% off!"

The terms and conditions text still remains, unchanged from the start, until both lines of writing fade away allowing for the next advert to play...

[Jak Mar]

The next advert moves in as a cereal box comes in rather dramatically.

Two kids sit around the table, watching Dante's Abyss 15'. (Old infomercial)

A actor with wastelander clothing and long ears falling off with a stuffed Daxter laughs dramatically "Hey KIDS, It's ME , DYNAMITE KID with your favorite cereal "[/b]DYNAMAR-O's[/b]

The kids smiled "OH BOY! IS THE DYNAMITE TOY REAL, MAR?"

The fake Jak giggled "Only if you are lucky, kids maybe you'll be just like me." HAHAHAH!"

The kids take the "toy" dynamite and throw it on the ground and it ticks just like Dante's Abyss 15'

"THANKS, DYNAMITE KID!"

[Jak Mar toy included.. no sueing if toy explodes etc terms and conditions may apply, see Omni for details]

[Dust]

The screen opened up to the camera scanning the car's exterior, crickets chirping and just the remnants sound of music coming from the radio. The camera then swipes along the back window where 'Dust' nervously tried to make the first move. He stuttered something and blushed, but the girl had specific instructions and she threw herself on him. She wasn't even really making out with him, but it looked like it. She whispered something, and the guy's hand came up, pawing at the back window. Finally, he grabs the pre-set tube of lip balm and slowly pulls it back out of view. A voice followed while text advertised for the item.  "KissableLips© - For those spontaneous kisses."

Then it all fades back into black.