Let's Read: Book Club #1

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 50 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Week's Topic Options:

• Of Kings Gods and Girls: <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=18&p=8620#p8620">viewtopic.php?f=18&p=8620#p8620</a><!-- l -->
  I’ve linked directly to the second page as this is more because Ganon wanted to hear what people had to say about the fight between Enel and Ganondorf. However, you are more than welcome to read to the entire topic as it is a pretty good read if you ask me.
  
  
• Baby Steps and Déjà vu: <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=1238">viewtopic.php?f=12&t=1238</a><!-- l --> <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=1310">viewtopic.php?f=12&t=1310</a><!-- l -->
  These topics are the introductions of several Primes, and yes there are two topics there. But, they are closely intertwined with each other. I won’t be mad if you don’t read both, but you may miss something if you don’t, or get confused.

First Week Special Bonus Option: Read the Scramble how it all began. <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=165">viewtopic.php?f=12&t=165</a><!-- l -->
This is a massive intro topic that occurred when the site first opened officially. It is a mess of a topic with comings and goings and a slight lack of consistency. But, it is still a part of this site’s history and while many of the characters there aren’t active or switched out (like myself I played kairi), it is still a fun read. That said this option would take a lot longer as it is huge. So, this option will be available for commentary for next week as well.

As this is being started in the middle of this week - if there is demand for it I'll extend these topics into the next week as well.

That’s all. Happy Reading~

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

The first Let's Read is extended into next week: November 2nd through the 8th.

[Proto Man]

I’m not going to touch upon the fight scene, because I did that in another thread (<!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1363">viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1363</a><!-- l -->), so instead I’ll touch upon everything before that.

(Jeff) While I may have given Enel the advantage in the fight scene that forms the climax/conclusion(?) to this thread, I think the thread as a whole would belong to Ganondorf if I had to ‘assess’ all of it. Ganondorf is that type of slow-paced, manipulative evil person that I always identified with on a certain level. He’s like an American politician trying to balance all the sides for his own gain. Maybe another apt metaphor would be that of a corrupt Italian Doge. I enjoyed watching him attempt (and strangely enough, kind of fail) to balance Eighteen, Enel, and even Roland. Even when the situation got rough, he saved face (although it remains to be seen if and how he manages to do so depending on how the fight concludes).

I am still very much trying to figure out Ganondorf’s motivations, which could actually be a good thing. I left this thread still very much wondering what exactly he was after—influence? The Triforce? Something else? If I could offer advice, it would be to continue to slowly reveal his persona. Don’t get buried focusing on the external (I will do this quite often because I just love the ‘world building’ aspect of writing so much). I also hope that you’ll continue to play off Ganondorf’s more bureaucratic side when it comes to the future conflict between himself and Roland.

(Greg) As for Enel, he had me laughing for the first half of his posts (all da bitches). Then you sort of did a 180 and focused on Enel coming to realization of where he is at and what he has lost. I thought you did a wonderful job of having Enel’s frustration simmer and hiss before boiling over. I very much bought into Enel’s frustration and rage. As I’ve said a few times over, it will be very interesting to see where these two characters go from here.

(Both) The thread kind of got hard to read near the middle, when Ganondorf had his audience with Roland. It seemed kind of weird that he’d leave his town to go have an audience with someone in the desert and not the other way around, but I understand the importance of the scene in setting up for future confrontations between the two. It still seemed weird that he’d come alone to a potentially dangerous place.

As I mentioned before, I really enjoyed the fight, both from a writer perspective and a reader perspective. It provides so much fodder when it comes to the relationship between the two characters. Even if one of them wins and one of them loses/dies, I don’t think that either of them will leave the fight 100% happy with their performance. I think their egos are too massive to let such a mutual beat-down slip into forgotten history. If I said it once, I’ll say it a few more times—I am very curious to see where they go from here. I know from OOC world that you’re both creating a faction with long-term goals, so I am interesting in seeing the short-term developments in the aftermath of their ego/power struggle at the climax of this thread.

I also think, and I know this is nothing either of you have control over, that the thread (and your combined adventures) could have benefitted from Eighteen’s continued input. You’re both Bad Dudes, even if Ganondorf doesn’t see himself in that light, and I thought her presence was welcomed as somewhat of an audience surrogate. She was the mostly (I remember her pre-Omniverse shenanigans!) nice person in a sea of sinister egos, and it would have been an awesome story to see how she would handle that. I also disliked the manner in which she was abruptly written out of the storyline. I think it would have been better to keep her as a minor character, especially since it’s not like she’s going to ever get over the fact that she’s now essentially Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi.
Random note – Please continue to include the word ‘Ganondorf’ in all of your threads. It still amuses me that all the threads in the Endless Dunes include ‘Ganondorf’ in some manner.

Pros
Both characters are evil and completely okay with that
Both characters are their own type of evil, and the interplay is and will continue to be fun to read (I think)
Lays the foundations for an interesting village society in the Endless Dunes
Lays the foundation for a potential conflict between Team Ganon and TWNN that will hopefully play out in an interesting manner
Awesome fight scene at the end that should provide for a lot of growth for both characters moving forward.

Cons
Thread kind of got jumbled near the middle, especially with Eighteen being written out very harshly

[Proto Man]

(Guu) – I thought that was a unique use of the generic Omniverse introduction. Watch out for your tenses, though. You seem to slip between present and past tense every now and again. That aside, I couldn’t really gain much about Guu from this, other than her grappling with power loss in a rather nonchalant manner. I feel like once you get out of the Nexus and start rolling, you’ll do pretty well. You seem to have the makings of an entertaining style, especially considering your character.

It’s sad that Prinny didn’t feel like he/she/it fit here, because I think Guu and Penguin could have been an entertaining trek through a verse.

Also, while I didn’t read your Nexus thread until just now, I read all your dataverse stuff. I find it really entertaining, and sometime I have more focus (and when it makes sense for my own character), I’ll probably join you on Twitter.

(Desco) – In this thread, I didn’t get much from Desco, other than her likewise struggling with a new reality. I think you were in the other thread, so I’ll read that one next and have another section for you.

Déjà vu

(Everyone) – I enjoyed the mutual ‘We’re all depowered, noez!’ of the first half-ish of your thread. I felt like you all did a decent job leaning on one another as you coped with arriving in the Omniverse. It was a tad bit overwhelming for someone with zero knowledge about any of the characters involved, but I survived.

Once the fight broke out, I felt like the thread’s tone took on a pretty sharp shift, especially as all the various characters tried to cope with everything. Fights with more than 2 people can often become a bit cluster-f**ky, but I thought like you guys handled it pretty well.

[Proto Man]

I read the Scramble when it took place, and most of the characters there are long gone. As a result, I think I'll pass on re-reading it, but I do recommend that any new people give it a glance-over, even if you just read the posts from the surviving members (Samus, Proto Man, Ganondorf, Link). I think we all did a nice job with acclimating in various ways, plus you get to see some high-profile NPCs being used.

[Omni]

Before I begin posting, I wanted to say that I'm going to be increasing the OM reward for this first book club to 100 OM as there's quite a few threads and a lot to read even if you're only reading a single thread. It's also taking place over the better part of two weeks so it basically counts for double. Boom!

To claim your reward just post the link to your critique in this thread (get it by clicking your post title and copying the URL) and then post it in the current weeklies thread ending on the 8th. If you have already posted in the weeklies topic, just edit that post and at the link in. These rules will be up there soon as a permanent addition.

[Omni]

Lots to write. This is going to be badly organised. Especially since I'm writing this with my voice. XD

I did notice there were odd spots where people switched between tenses in an odd way. Like Neku's first post and Guu's first post. If you're switching between the tenses, you need to have a hard divide. Definitely not in the same paragraph. Obviously I'm guessing this is more of a typo than a stylistic choice though

All round, these posts were an interesting exhibition in the variety of tones and writing styles we have here on the Omniverse. It was funny breaking away from the serious posts of Déjà Vu to catch up with Desco and Guu in Baby Steps. I would say that Desco was the mediator of those tones and I enjoyed the midway point of being able to be serious and light-hearted in the same storyline.

In regards to Déjà Vu, I think you guys all did a great job of keeping the conversation between the characters ordered despite the inherently chaotic nature of a storyline with so many player characters. Especially given that you're all new to writing with each other. I know from experience that that's very difficult. So really great job on that, everyone.

One thing did strike me as odd particularly about the early fight, and that's that Neku decided to block a sword with his arm. Especially given that he's not particularly resilient. I felt like Nyeseth actually tried to sort of justify and make sense of that in the subsequent post. It would have made more sense for him to try and dodge and THEN get cut in the attempt rather than simply be like "I'm a tank it". It might have been meant in that way but it didn't come across.

I think you all did a good job of referencing your characters pasts without making it entirely incomprehensible to the layman. The only character of the bunch whose world I'm familiar with is Neku's (and it's been a long time since I played The World Ends with You) and to a lesser extent Desco's. The interaction of their varying perceptions of things like Demons and reapers were fun to read and a great use of the crossover setting. I managed to take away a little bit of something from each of the characters worlds just by reading their responses to the situation.

Nyeseth, I think you did a good job of keeping your fight action consistent and logical. I also managed to get a decent impression of Nyeseth's personality through his reactions. I do feel you could have slowed down and described the actions in a somewhat more literal form. Obviously the whole thing was pretty chaotic but I got pretty confused and couldn't visualise the whole thing. Like I said before, though, having a multiplayer fight make sense is real difficult for anyone and I think everyone did pretty good.

On to Guu's stuff. I was amused. The main problem I can extract was that combining it with the previous storyline was a bit problematic given that in Guu's story, several hours explicitly pass. But I suppose, OMNI PHYSICS. I also wasn't sure whether her summons or instantaneous or not. It was kind of glossed over so I can hand wave it and that's not a huge leap given the content of the posts I will admit, the Morgan Freeman comment caught me offguard and made me laugh hysterically. I have an odd sense of humour and all of your posts tickled it. This is without knowing anything about Hare and Guu. Overall I would say mission accomplished.

This has been a bit of a ramble but I hope this has been of some aid and I really look forward to seeing where all of these characters go.

[Ganondorf]

My critique is done in short bullet points. I'm not really comfortable or familiar with analyzing the work of others, so try to bear with me.

Deja Vu:

Noticed that Neku overlooked that during Omni's speech, you both can't move or talk.

Appreciated the short, paragraph or two length posts by Rand and Neku. Made reading the whole deal much easier.

While not necessary, Rand didn't separate his speech onto other lines, which made his posts seem a bit blocky. Others did this as well, but seemed to take the time to change the color or bold the speech, which made it easier to distinguish.

Some of Desco's posts included incredibly long paragraphs. Nyeseth also did this a lot.

Later on, all the writers moved to a shorter post style, which helped me get back into the flow of reading.

The back and forth between Rand and Neku early on, Neku remarking on Rand's clothing and Rand on Neku's age, was nice to see. It really helped set the tone that they both were out of place here.

Desco, as I expected, was both grandeous and childlike in her posts. It was highly enjoyable to read.

While Guu wasn't involved for much of the thread, what I read of her was good stuff. She gave folks nicknames, adopted detective personas, and generally acted like a kid, though her inner thoughts betray her actual mental state.

All in all, I enjoyed the fight. Occasionally, it got a bit hard to read as I'd have to reread a paragraph due to soem confusing wording.

I'm looking forward to seeing how things go from the aftermath of this fight. It seems like Desco, Guu, and Nyeseth will likely be grouping together, possibly alongside Neku. I wish Rand hadn't seemingly burned himself out. Despite some minor grammar flaws, his writing was well thought out and interesting.

[Schwi Dola]

Well, reading Ganon, Eighteen, and Enel I can't help but feel that there is story missing at the very start, that the topic immediately before this was pretty important in setting Eighteen and Ganon's interaction. Reading carefully along the way I think I've found that Eighteen rescued Ganon from something and Ganon is well, driven by testosterone.

Things started to pick up as Enel entered the picture, and Eighteen mysteriously disappeared. I imagine that Eighteen being around would have beaten the God. I wonder if the rest of the fight will be interesting, or if you guys are going to cut out early and deal a lethal blow.

I liked watching the egos flare up against eachother. All in all, the fight scene was quite interesting and I'd like to see what is going to happen to the castle and staff if Enel drives Ganon out. But sitting around enjoying his hedonism might give Ganon enough time to swing back and spark conflict again.

Almost against the bell and I didn't even realize it.

[Dark Link]

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to read Déja Vu, Baby Steps or The Scramble, so at least for my first Book Club review, I will be limited to Of Kings, Gods and Girls....which is kind of cheating on my part, considering I already read part of it in order to give Ganon feedback regarding the fight.

Honestly, I don't have much to say outside of what I already said before and what Proto mentioned. Just to emphasise the point, I think the thread for the most part was fantastic. I enjoyed reading it and I liked the ego-driven rivalry between Ganon and Enel. When you're reading work from such seasoned writers as they are, it's kind of hard to find things to criticise. So once again, I'm essentially forced to search for essentially nitpicks in order to have anything constructive to say.

In a way, reading the rest of the thread further emphasised both the qualities and the pitfalls both writers exhibited in the fight itself. Enel did a great job of connecting his current situation with his character and his motivations, while Ganon did a good overall job of being descriptive while still touching upon many aspects of the various situations. And to be fair, the pitfalls in the rest of the thread weren't as strong or noticeable as they were in the fight itself thanks to the writers not being limited by word count.

However, they are still there. Like I said before, while I can appreciate a writer not getting too bogged down by details, I still think Enel's writing could be more descriptive and flavourful. Likewise, I still think Ganon could be a bit more clear regarding his character's motivations. One thing I particularly noticed in that regard is that Ganon seems to have a fondness for flashbacks and throwbacks. That's fine, but in this particular case (at least within the context of the thread), I felt as though they were rather random and didn't contribute much to the plot. Flashbacks can be quite powerful and effective storyline tools, but I do think it helps if they have applicability to the current situation or help drive a certain point/train of thought.

Another thing I need to mention is the continuity and flow. Now, for the most part, this aspect was perfectly fine. However, there was one part that didn't sit well with me and it was the part where Ganon turned into the Dark Beast. Here, there is tension built up as a result of this transformation and challenge and we're eagerly waiting to see how this situation is resolved....and then Enel is walking through the castle corridors and practicing on the rooftop while Ganon is dealing with his anger issues. Like, I guess Enel backed away from that challenge...but considering how both characters are egomaniacs and how important his own pride is to Enel, it seems kind of odd not to touch upon a situation in which Enel is forced to back down. Maybe it's just me, but the transition was rather abrupt and it practically felt like I had missed a part of the thread.

Lastly, there is the whole Android 18 situation. While I get the "sexual tension" angle that both Ganon and 18 were going for, it still (no pun intended) struck me as odd when, in the end, 18 hit Ganon....for seemingly no apparent reason. Even weirder, however, was her almost downright meek response to Ganon turning her into a personal servant. Considering what we know of 18's personality, I would have expected her to put up much more of a resistance. Heck, considering how it is established that she doesn't feel like she owes Ganon anything and that she can leave any time she wants, one would expect her to respond to this insult by just giving Ganon the middle finger and taking off. And if the purpose of that post really was to write 18 out of the story...well, in my opinion, the way the situation was handled doesn't really achieve that. In fact, it kind of sets up the expectation that that particular plot thread is merely temporarily on hold and that it will continue once 18 grows fed up with her current situation.

Based on what I've written, one might be left with the impression that I'm being incredibly harsh. But again, I must emphasise that, overall, I thought the thread was great. I enjoyed the development between characters, the fight was awesome and fitting and I am really looking forward where Ganon and Enel will take it from here. In fact, it kind of goes to show just how good they (and 18) are as writers that I really needed to focus on the little things to really offer a critique on anything. Alas, when you're dealing with such accomplished writers, helping them fine-tune their craft is really the only thing you can do. Hopefully, my senseless rambling has contributed towards that goal at least a tiny bit.

And that's it for me for this week's Book Club. Hopefully, I will cover more next week.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

The first Let's Read is now closed.

[Gildarts]

Book club 1!


Of Kings Gods and Girls

The dynamic between Eighteen and Ganondorf is actually pretty interesting. It brings a certain amount of curiosity to the reader and considering Eighteen lost the battle between Ganondorf and is for the majority under his command, it gives them a reason to each play off one another’s interests. Both are superb writers and offer great imagery to describe what their characters see, feel, and touch. I remember reading this thread the first time and a few of the missing pieces, but now I know a little more history on the site and otherwise the duration they have been in the same party. With this, I feel like their own history offers some reason to the way their relationship works.

Ganon has a chance to explain his mentality not just to Eighteen, but to the audience who, in response, watches Ganon with avid intrigue. He has short monologues that comprise the essence of his mentality and I like the way Ganon’s perspective is put into words and dialogue. He almost resembles a negotiator of some kind. Not all villains know that they are doing complete evil and of course have their own self interests fueling their desire for power as well. Ganon is one of my favorite characters brought to the Omniverse simply because of the way he conducts himself. There never seems to be a problem he can’t solve with words and when he can’t solve his problems with words, action is initiated (example: battle with Eighteen or Enel). The dynamic stated previously, I think both Eighteen and Ganon play well off of each other and it is evident they put some time in thinking over each other’s reactions so that they are able to fill in small details for one another. Its complementary to their personalities and it flows tremendously well.

As for Enel, I haven’t gotten to that arc in OP yet, so his strong confidence caught me off guard (almost as much as his usurp of the castle) and it added a few layers of dynamic the thread may have needed. Enel is far from vague and has his own ideas of glory, whereas even in some cases Enel makes Ganon look noble. It brings out a bit of deliberation in the audience, what is right and wrong? Is nobility necessarily needed for glory? Who deserves ultimate honor? Should it be vested in one who has power or self-control?

I love this aspect of writing and think that there should be more of it (everywhere), because it integrates the reader and makes them feel part of the story in an intellectually stimulating way. Its kind of like discovering philosophy, or rather, a reader can discover themselves even in a situation they are not personally invested in and are viewing. Enel and Ganon foil nicely. Compared to Enel, is the level-headed Ganon really all that bad? Eighteen kind of gets caught up in their own turmoil and later this consideration is brought to a power hungry head. What seems to sink Ganon is his own greed for collecting power, whereas Enel thinks he already has enough (even though I’m sure he constantly thirsts for more) and they will surely decide who is fit to be king soon enough.

Meanwhile, as all this crazy stuff is happening in the castle, ROLAND shows up and he an Ganon sort of start an alliance or rather... An understanding.

Enel and Ganon are a great foil (as stated previously) even power wise. Ganon, “King of Sand” is a grounded guy who never really let his overwhelming ambition take him away from his conquest. Enel, like lightning, feels everything in an intense fiery inferno of ‘live everything as if it were the last’ and acts as a great and mighty king rather than a peddler.

Firani actually played a good medium. She observed Enel, bore witness to his power and otherwise risky behavior and brought up the matter in speaking terms to Ganon. Ganon didn’t even seem too worried about it, as long as he could control Enel and his mind by feeding the King’s wishes and appealing to his desires with like-minded reason. Firani was a great instrument in bringing G’s awareness to the threat Enel posed, as well as the seriousness of the situation. Later, perhaps it was even she who planted the seed in Ganon that caused him to react particularly ready for the battle to commence.

The fight was entertaining, vivid, and paced equally so the reader had a good idea of each contestant’s capabilities as well as contemplating their motives. It was suspenseful and completely organic. Each played it out to the best they could, and just when I was sure that Ganon would win, Enel struck the final blow. Does this mean Ganon’s throne in the desert has been conquered by his lightning wielding adversary? And does this mean that Eighteen is now technically free of their agreement? (until G gets back that is)

Both Enel and Ganon utilized dialogue well, as their characters are particularly verbal. The dialogue made their means much more realistic and made each character’s logic to prevail even more enhanced as the punches were thrown. I’d say its one of the best battles on the site not only because of how well both fought and described each attack, but because the motivation behind each character’s conquests clashed and just had to be set free in the fury of battle..


Deja Vu

Hahaha Desco’s first line is amazing. Just what I would expect from the ultimate final boss. Dramatically and not soon after, she feels the opposite and her confidence falters. I like that Desco is aware of some of the perils that the Omniverse causes and displays it immediately. It shows that she is aware of the new place even though she doesn’t have to be happy with it.

Character interaction is nicely displayed, new place, new people, new... well lack of scenery. Everyone’s unique reaction differentiated the many from the few. The many perspectives of the individuals joined helps the audience to gain some insight from the worlds everyone originates from as well as the untold history each carries on their back.

The fight almost immediately happens, it isn’t trivial and actually made sense to me as to why it was started. In other universes where the characters come from, their perception on race is different. In one way, a witch could be seen as an evil girl, or a wizard could be mystical. But in other universes wizards are normal (harry potter or FT) its completely normal because of the population and setting of the world. I’m not familiar with bleach but I know enough to see the reason behind the attack. Nyeseth is seen as evil and it just suddenly begins. I like that there wasn’t a lot of hesitation because that would have made it seem unrealistic for me. Hesitation would have disjointed the reader in some ways, I feel, because action in this way should be straight forward and with its origins there isn’t a valid use for an incline of suspense. No doubt there was some static friction though which made the tension grate in the air before attacks flew.

New primes so quickly in the Omniverse suddenly attacking one another. One good thing, or perhaps an equal disadvantage, is that the primes are all on the same level and are all new. So the coping and drawbacks to their adapted fighting styles are sure to hit them with the realization that some of the things Omni said was true and their discovery of the many uses of Omnilium is only a matter of time.

The beginning of the fight was really refreshing. It was really cool how Neku integrated music into the duel and how they all battled for their own reasons. Nyeseth defended himself and Desco (until she later comes in battle ready), Rand and Neku team up because they both are like minded and see soul reapers as a formidable enemy.

Desco proves to be quite the adversary showing one of her ultimate final boss attacks! I really like how you portray Desco in just little ways that resemble larger personality traits. It becomes evident that Desco has no reason to fear any of the boys that are fighting and in response to their warnings only cause Desco to unleash the ultimate final boss power. Later near the end, Neku offers to take Nyeseth out for Desco if she should find him as trouble, this was a nice ending to the fight and left space for a new adventure to occur.

In Baby Steps, Guu descends upon the Omniverse like a shooting star! She has one of the most unique responses to Omni yet and the character is engaging, even in her eternal dancing. Prinny appeared to save the day, and later a wild Desco appears! Its the beginning of a Tangled Green adventure and Prinny is caught in the midst of it.

I remember reading Guu, Desco, and Nyeseth’s adventures in the green (The ones involving medusa and other strange occurrences) and looking back at the immediate bond I think Desco and Guu establish, I can see why they would spend time with each other for a bit. They have a lot in common, both are kids, girls, and have unreal power in the worlds they are from. I like them both as they continue to grow together and can even see their meeting having a greater relevance after reading the adventures you guys have had together. Nyeseth jumps in, being the admirable soul reaper that he is and hangs around the girls to provide ample protection as they start out in their new world!

Seraph breaks up any monotony as well and seems to be in the same boat. Some nice character interaction is established which gives the thread a dynamic feel as well as describes how everyone is coping with their current predicament. Guu kind of takes the torch as she marches them all onward... To the Tangled Green.


The Scramble
I read the scramble a while back and I don’t think I will be re-reading it anytime soon, but with that said, I did enjoy it and am glad to see the many characters who participated have returned. If people see this and want a review on their personal growth and development to compare to the scramble, I don’t mind giving it a go.

[Thaal Sinestro]

So I can't write in the field, but sometimes I can read. Because I'm writing on my phone, I expect there to be autocorrect errors, but I'll try to catch them. That said, I caught up on some reading lately.

Of Kings, Gods, and Girls
I'm really glad I had a chance to catch up on this. I've missed a lot since my departure (obviously), so it was good to see what Ganny D had been up to since then. No good, obviously.

I really liked this story. The characters came through very powerfully, and getting to know them was really interesting. The plotline was a character study more than anything else, which is awesome. The pace was calm, the progression untethered from the traditional arc, but I never got tired of reading it. So good work there, to all parties.

The first thing I gotta say to Gan is EDITING. I know it's a passion in the ass and usually takes more time that actually writing the damn thing. I'm really bad for editing also. But you've got a ton if writing chops, and it super dicks when your amazing skills get snubbed because you didn't give it a once over. Obviously things may have changed between then and now, but I'm reviewing your old stuff :p The wrist if this is actually the post the link goes to, which has some major issues in the first paragraph.

Enel, I loved getting to read more of your stuff. Your work with this character is really different, and it's gotta be HARD writing like that. One thing I'd look for from you is for you too SHOW and not TELL. I'm really harsh on exposition, and a lot if the key parts of your sorry coke from outright saying what you're doing. Instead, explain WHAT is happening in a way that makes it apparent WHY is happening. It's hard to strike that balance, but trying out more of that style for Enel might spare your writing from having to constantly remind us that he thinks he's god. That's more just a stylistic choice, but I think that just SHOWING more would be nice.

One thing I'd like to see from both of you is more terrain use during your fight. I loved that the statue was used, but it had the feeling if a void that they were fighting in. How did the people around them react? What did the lightning bolts hit? How did they use their surroundings? I know it was in the garden by the river, but that's about it.

Overall, I really really really enjoyed this thread. I'm excited to read more and get more involved with the members of LAW as it forms.

(The other reviews will follow this one as I find time to write them)

[Thaal Sinestro]

Deja Vu:

This was like your own Scramble! A ton if characters, a lot of things happening. There are a BUNCH of characters going on here, so sadly I'm not gonna go person by person. A lot of you guys show the same/similar writing style and have some of the same strengths and weaknesses, so I'll cover the crossover. I only read through Deja Vu, mainly due to time constraints.

One thing I'd love to see from you guys is more detail. You explain what's happening, but you seen to be struggling to bring it to life, and the major issue in that is that you're not giving a lot of descriptive details. Starting with predominant senses for that action if event is a good place to start thinking about descriptors for these things. What color was it? What was the texture? How did it smell or feel or taste? All of the strange details that we spot in real life are the ones you should think about plugging in. The more sensory you make the writing, the easier it is to relate to as a person.

Another detail thing is the SMALL details. What are their mannerisms? What habits do they have? Little movements can express how the characters are feeling without you having to TELL us how their feeling. Does their eye twitch? Do they wrong their hands? Do they clench their jaws or bite their lips?

A legendary Japanese director told all of his major actors to give their character a tic, something they compulsively do, so that they had an easier tone covering how that character feels based off of when and how they do their tic. That's a common tool for a ton of mediums: anime, cartoons, movies. Your characters might already have some! Look for them in their original media, and if they don't have one already, you can make one up.

Overall, when you're describing your actions, try to give us a more complete sensual experience. I know WHAT they're doing, just not HOW they're doing it. A lot of character can come through these small details.

It was a blast reading your introductions, though! I really had fun seeing how all these different characters reacted to each other and I lived getting to know them a bit. I hope I get to write with you guys soon!

(Again, please forgive any autocorrect errors! I'm in the field and I only have my phone)