Let's Read Experimental Book Club

[Dark Link]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you'd like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn't need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful  'to you' it certainly doesn't make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn't mean you can't criticize, but there's a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions, don't say something about the topic is 'wrong' or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member's next post for them: be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you're free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting, I wouldn't recommend making a 'scoring' scale. This isn't competitive and you're not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim, especially the wordy topics, you're likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don't want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don't make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you're just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused, I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet.  Seriously don't. Please.
  
• As a final point: yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• To claim your Book Club bonus, please include a link to your review (along with the text ‘Book Club’) in the active Fortnightly Gains topic.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don't do it for some reason).
  

Now that you're aware of the standard regulations, welcome to our first Book Club in quite some time! For those of you unaware, staff decided to put Book Club on hold as a result of the low participation it had suffered in its last few iterations. Since then, there have been many discussions as to how it should be brought back. Though some radical changes had been proposed, I requested if I could attempt an experimental Book Club where I could test some minor tweaks to the existing format first. I was granted this permission and, after numerous delays, it is finally upon us!

In this Book Club, we will be testing two different variants of the format. Choose whichever one you prefer, though you are free to test both if you are inclined to do so. Regardless of your choice, you are only required to review ONE of the offered choices to become eligible for the OM bonus, though naturally, reviewing more than one would be welcome.

Variant A

In this variant, Book Club is pretty much the same as how some of you remember it. A selection of threads is offered and you select one or more of them to read and review. However, this time, it comes with a limitation: each of your reviews should not exceed 400 words. While I'm certain any roleplayer would be grateful for a long and detailed analysis of their work, leave those for their respective OOC/C&C threads. Here, reviews are meant to be short, lean and to the point.

'Best Story' Winner Spotlight
'Retribution IV: Rebirth' by Trixie

After voluntarily descending into the depths of madness and brimstone, Trixie attempts to overcome the impossible and make her way out of the Underverse. Though already offered by Trixie himself as a suggestion, it is being featured as the winner of the 'Best Story' category from the last Monthly Accolades, since I am considering making that a regular inclusion from here onward.

Quest Spotlight
'Spare No Expense' by Enzo Matrix

The mean, green fighting machine and friends attempt to find some peace and quiet on their all-expense-paid trip in the Vasty Deep. Instead, they wind up aiding the inhabitants of Cinnabar in order to obtain a place they can call their own. The Quest Spotlight might become a regular feature to showcase examples of roleplayers doing repeatable quests.

This Bi-Week's Reader Digest
'Day 4 - Gunsmith's Gamble' by Ballad

Finding himself in a downward spiral since his disappointing performance in the Colosseum torunament, Ballad's stay in Camelot becomes even less pleasant as his whereabouts are discovered by a bandit group who desire his head. An intense manhunt ensues.

'Helldiver' by Strazio as the Storyteller

Strazio Rockwell takes up the Storyteller's quill and shares the tale of yet another unfortunate soul that's been gone too long in the infernal sea.

'Malefactor Redux' by Gildarts

Escaping the clutches of its former master, the Malefactor runs rampant in the jungles of Tangled Green. But the noble and mighty Gildarts, still haunted by the tragedy in Camelot, follows its trail in an attempt to pacify it.

Variant B

Unlike the previous variant, this one does not involve any word limit; your reviews may be as short or as long as you please. However, instead of reviewing entire threads, you will be reviewing specific posts. Though you're free to read the previous posts for context if you're so inclined, make sure that your feedback pertains to the featured post. Also, my apologies for the lack of special spotlights for this variant.

This Bi-Week's Reader Digest

• 'Exit Thread' post by Jak Mar - Jak bids farewell as his journey in the Graveyardverse comes to a close.
  
  
• '[4-14] The Town' post by Vincent Valentine - Nanaki and Christa desperately attempt to flee from a horde of ravenous undead.
  
  
• 'The Towers that Eclipse Darkshire' post by Nealaphh - The God-Mind brews in frustration and anger as it continues to further its designs.
  
  
• 'Forgotten Betrayal' post by Tartaros - A tale of the dark and distant days on Istvaan III that set Tartaros on his path of the damned.
  
  
• 'Colosseum - Spectator Thread' post by Gamzee Makara - Gamzee awakens from his long slumber; despite his improved well-being, he finds his surroundings less than satisfactory.
  

[Creatia]

Ooh! This sounds so much fun! I hope I'm posting in the right spot. Here goes!

Okay, I'm doing Format B, and I chose to read Tartaros' 'Forgotten Betrayal' post. My review is as follows:

"One of the more beautiful pieces of work I've read in general. The emotions throughout the city, the sorrow and anger of the remaining soldiers, the brutality of it all... Beautiful. I could literally imagine Tartaros' voice addressing the soldiers with a weak and tired body, but a strong heart and fierce conviction.

It really made this writer shudder to her knees in delight with such vivid and painstaking detail. I just can't get enough of the powerful execution of the entire post; it felt, to me of course, like it made its own short story. The only issue I see is the word prepared was repeated twice in the story, but it's nothing a quick revision can't fix, I'm sure! If you don't mind, I can offer my proofreading services on the next post. But I'm sure you don't need it as everything else was well written and up to snuff!

Overall, the flow of it all is impeccable, and the reread value is high. I want to go back and read it again from the start, that's how bad I'm hooked. Amazing work; it makes me want to read more!"

[Sans]

I'll try to post up a review of "Helldiver" at some point today.

[Illidan Stormrage]

I personally like Variant A, but I've chosen Nealaphh's post in the B section.

The writing is well done. It conveys clearly and initially through action what the god-mind is feeling, and we soon learn he doesn't like feeling at all. Descriptions are vivid and word choice brings the events solidly to life, such as 'as the liquified remains of the man's head dribbled down the sides of the slab table.' I've read other parts of Nealaphh's work before and they all carry the same quality and obvious effort put into the storytelling. It's always enjoyable to read and this is no different.

However, it feels like there are too many times that bigger and fancier words are used to impress, when they just left me confused. Words like 'amygdalectomy' and 'chiaroscuro' break the flow of otherwise smooth writing. Some phrases could also be toned down a bit, like 'Nealaphh telekinetically puppeted its body upwards,' which comes off awkward. There's no reason why Nealaphh couldn't have floated or hovered off the ground; I appreciate the intention, but in cases like that, simpler is better.

Overall, I enjoyed the post. The concept of a god experiencing mortal quirks in all its confusion is an interesting thread to chase, and I will be looking out for more in the future, but hopefully some of the wordier and unnecessarily complicated aspects of the prose can be worked on.

[James Knight]

I've chosen Format A. I've looked over Trixie's work. So far she seems to have not a drop of "filler" anywhere within the post, and it seems exceptionally well written. Her description of the environment outdoes anything I am capable of thus far. Her skill at describing her techniques with the sword is also admirable, putting any of my writing to shame. Truthfully it is one of the better posts I have seen written here. I can honestly say I was unable to find anything wrong with her topic in the slightest.

[Thaal Sinestro]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...0#pid74100

Variant B

I enjoyed this a lot! It felt EXTREMELY Warhammer. You really nailed the setting and the tone of the universe, and I'd say that your style is similar to the novels I've read from the series. Strong Voice, good grammar, ample emotional depth. I got chills a few times reading it.

I like that as the writing went on, it went further into depth. It felt really like a flashback, where we were seeing the big, big details, and you worked us down to the personal level. From macro to micro. Obviously a person who wasn't familiar with the bare-basics of 40k wouldn't get a ton of what was going on, but I don't think that's the audience you're writing for, so that's not an issue. I'll be continuing reading to see how fine your details get, because I feel like I had JUST caught up with the personal details of the moment when the post ended (which was a good place to break, I think).

I don't really wanna speak on detail depth for that reason, because you weren't writing FOR depth, you were recapping events and setting an emotional tone, and I think you really accomplished that goal well.

I only found 1 typo in the thing on my first read-through, so very good work there.

“Dead.”, the praetor muttered

The centurion ducked through the stone archway of the tower and into the streets of the capital, he was met by two dozen marines and a half-platoon of auxilia in total, inspecting their equipment as they sat perched atop a half-functioning Land Raider. The bottom dregs of the underhive slum-gangs and fanciful scions of feudal world nobility, and all things between. Sons of Terra, of Cthonia, of Barbarus, of Bodt and Chemos both, and of the thousands of other worlds under the banner of the Imperium. But above all, they were the defenders of humanity, and their duty is to die standing.

This is a cool paragraph. It made me think back to the military a bit, and how we're all from such different places, but are all there for the same reason. It was a cool moment of personal depth and reflection that might have gone unnoticed by a more action-minded scene, so I liek that you started us out at a "still" point in the narrative.

It's hard for me to point to specific ways to improve in this post, because te vast majority of my writing style and experience lies in finding the details of a moment. However, I think it would be cool to hear about more specifics, even in the grand, sweeping narrative parts. Which specific battles had lost specific things of emotional importance to the speaker? Was there a building, a person, or a scene that you can pin in the grand details? You don't have to like, tell the whole story, but just a line or two. "We lost brother Garrack there," or something similar, to illustrate feelings of personal loss or defeat. That's just my style though, and I don't think that your writing is particularly hindered by a lack of those kinds of details, it's jsut a stylistic opinion.

Good work! I always enjoy reading your stuff, and I think you're really at home in the 40k lore.

[Dark Link]

Only a few days left to make your reviews and claim your bonus OM!

Also, if you have any suggestions for the Book Club, both in the form of threads and posts, I would very much welcome them. Aside from it being a thread that hasn't been featured in this Book Club, there are no limitations. And yes, you can recommend your own threads and/or posts.

[James Knight]

I do have a few suggestions.
Darkness in the Desert
A Terrifying Brand of Justice
Dark Legalities

Those would be excellent topics for book club, I think.

[Dark Link]

The results of this little experiment have been most fascinating. Since I am interested in procuring a larger sample size, I've decided to extend this Book Club for another fortnightly. The poll's duration has been extended as well. 

I look forward to seeing if any more reviews pop up.

[Guu]

Variant B - Colosseum thread Gamzee Makara

Very interesting opening, makes me curious how he got in that coffin.

Admittedly, I never thought Gamzee worked at a circus. I know he had a circus theme to his attacks, but I didn’t know he literally worked at a circus at some point (I haven’t read homestuck x.x)

Though, the connection between the circus tent and the medical tent was pretty good, got to learn more about the character just from one set of random thoughts.

Makes me wonder what the sickly sweet taste in his mouth was. Nice to have that standard “Welp, primes can heal” moment, but also contrast that with your tired and beaten face. That’s Omni for ya, he’ll keep you alive but appearances is your own damn responsibility.

Oh Karkat, you are Adam’s best fwiend :3

Wow, this is an intense scene. Who knew Makara could get so rabid when he’s scared?

Also, interesting use of that particular trope where we start in the present and then showed what happened. Admittedly, I didn’t expect you were going that direction, I kind of figured the mess he woke up to was going to be chocked up as a noodle incident.

Oh god, Karkat took one for his friend. 0.0

Wait, his blood literally smells like cherries?

XD Karkat’s destiny was to caress Makara and comfort him? Magic hands!

The knight of blood’s confusion on Karkat’s final words made me lol.

Gamzee! You should know better than to touch another man’s horn while they are asleep!

I like Karkat uncertain of what curse to use. Hahaha

Well, you’re writing has a lot of character, and the entire scenario is very clever and unique! Glad I read it!

[Sans]

Gonna be reviewing Helldiver, by Strazio Rockwell, using the Variant A format.

-----------------------------------

Positives:

+ Description. The overall details of each of the three posts were very refined, giving me a clear image as to what is going on in each scene. I especially like the description of Dedan; the way he's basically an amalgamation of a lizard, bat, and human. Plus, he shares the name of my favorite asshole in Indie Gaming, so that's good too.

+ Interest. Not much actually happens in any of the three posts, but I didn't care because I was engaged the whole way. This is thanks to the remarkably interesting way the characters are characterized. Cicada's character is mostly conveyed through very dark internal monologues as well as through backstory. It's clear to me Cicada is not a hero, and neither is Dedan, who I like because he's Dedan. Seeing how Cicada reacts to things despite being a dark man himself is honestly a remarkable achievement, in my opinion, because there were so many ways he could've been made brooding and angsty and just make me not care. Good job for not doing that!

+ Originality. A bit of a personal opinion here, but I also just like how Cicada doesn't immediately get his ass torn apart by demons within the first post he enters the Underverse. Don't get me wrong, there's no problem with this, but it was a nice change of pace seeing someone NOT get his/her ass torn apart by demons.

Negatives:

- Grammar. It didn't kill my enjoyment, exactly, but I noticed that the writer is REALLY heavy on the commas, even in sentences where it makes more sense to use a period or a semi-colon. It sorta harmed the flow of the reading and caused me to do double takes a couple of times. This can be fixed through rereading and just adding periods and semi-colons in places where the commas are.

- Show, Don't Tell. I feel like, while the characterization is still solid, it would have been better if it didn't outright TELL me what each character was like and left me to decide for myself. I want to INFER that Dedan is arrogant by the way he talks and presents himself, and not just be told that!

[Dark Link]

We are now really closing in on the end of this Book Club, so if you have any last minute reviews or suggestions to make, now is the time to do so.

I sincerely thank everyone who has participated in the Book Club so far. I must admit, I am quite intrigued the way it turned out. Most importantly, however, it warms my heart to see that there is still interest in the Book Club. That alone has made this little experiment entirely worth it. =)

[Dave Strider]

AHHHHHHH wait lets see

Gotta give some stuff to the clown up in here.

Colosseum - Spectator Thread' post by Gamzee Makara

Alright, let me just start out by saying I've read this post more than a few times, its a great display of Gamzee's contrast between being 'normal' and sober, as well as the character interaction between Gamzee and Karkat. Its all very well out together, giving a flashback to show the scene Gamzee hardly remember when he wakes up, as evident by his note of

The High-Blood could see him fretting now, stressing out and shit over some little cuts and burns. Maybe he’d let him sleep a little longer.

I mean Gamzee is oblivious to his own terror, with how the doctor's struggle to keep down the clown, until finally Karkat hushes him the hell to sleep, passing out shortly afterwards. The storytelling of it all is great. Karkat's care over Gamzee is also greatly shown by his stubborn stance on not telling Gamzee how messed up he was, and telling the staff to do the same. Its really funny and adorable to see their interactions.

One thing that I also love about hGamzee;s writing is his voice, with how much he interrupts his own sentences and interjects himself in a way that you know its his writing. Its like an organized mess of words and I love it. Being so close to how Gamzee might write himself you get a really good feel of the character, and it's always nice to read one of his posts. His fight post for gamzee in the nexus brawl was amazing as well.

However, I would like to point out that the tense changes were a bit weird with the time skips included as well, simple sentences for transitions would have done fine without the triple dash, as I found myself sometimes wondering where the tense changes were. Only the flashback and flashforward are the ones I find necessary.

 finallyyyy i did a bookclubbbb

[Dave Strider]

VARIANT B

dammit i already fucked it up

[Makoto Yuki]

Variant B, 'The Towers that Eclipse Darkshire' post by Nealaphh:

I really liked how you drove home the fact that Nealapph has a deep disdain for mortals as a whole, who he views as having both imperfect bodies and selfish, short-sighted thought processes, without overstating the point until it just becomes stale and repetitive.

And while the phrase "Nealaphh telekinetically puppeted its body upwards" did sound a bit awkward to me, I think it plainly showed that the God-Mind had no attachment to the physical body he was inhabiting, only viewing it as a tool, disposable and replaceable; he disassociates his body with his self, unlike any normal being.

The body of the post flows really well, with the scene and it's location described just vividly enough for the reader's mind to assemble into a clear image. While I believe the more complex word choices are meant to showcase Nealaphh's intellect and knowledge, any writer's momentum is going to be brought to a halt if their readers are going to have to look up a key word they have never seen before.

Those're my only gripes in your otherwise very professional looking writing, and beyond them it really shows how much you care about your storytelling.

Also I'm not sure if these are even worth mentioning, since it's plainly evident even from just that thread that Phh is a very careful writer, but I did find a single minor typo, Tom'd instead of Tom's, and the sudden change in text size was really jarring to me. I was unsure at first whether it was meant to impart emphases maybe, but if so, I missed it entirely.

[Kakashi Hatake]

Variant A: Malfactor Redux by Gildarts

I enjoyed this thread very much! I'm not far enough into Fairy Tail to know anything about Gildarts as a character, but I very much enjoyed the way you portrayed him. Just, honorable, and a little bit oblivious at times =P. His relationship with Whompt was very entertaining, going from broing out and bonding by the river to fighting almost literally to the death, but still sharing a deep respect in the end. I think that too often writers tend to throw characters into boxes (Hero, Traitor, Damsel, etc.) and it kinda takes away from the plot; I really enjoyed that in the end Whompt wasn't out for the Malefactor to DESTROY EVERYTHING, so much as he just wanted it to like...be better at his job. Simple ambition is a lot more believable than inexplicable evilness, so I very much appreciated the "realness" of that.

One of the things I enjoy most about your writing is that the story always keeps me on my toes. I can never predict what's going to happen, which is a very good thing in this instance. From possessed T-rex to magical carnivorous rock, you always keep the reader guessing. Gil's sacrifice at the end is an example of this; there are a few ways this could have ended but from what I've gathered of his personality, this makes the most sense. Bravo there!

In terms of negatives, I can't really say much. There were a few errors in formatting here and there and there was a handful of typos, but nothing that really distracted be from the story overall. All easy mistakes that anyone could make so no big deal there. 

Overall, excellent job! I look forward to following the continuing saga.

[Dark Link]

And with the end of Fortnight also comes the end of this experimental Book Club. I'm glad we managed to get a few more reviews before the time expired. This particular topic will be moved to the Creative Corner, since for the next Book Club, I intend to bring back the Retroactive Book Club option.

My gratitude once again to all who participated. I will try to prepare the next one as soon as possible based on the data I acquired here.