Individualized C&C Offer

[Jade Harley]

Do you feel as if you are struggling to write at the level of others on the site? Well, I'm willing to give you some pointers. While I might not be the best writer, writing is my passion and I would be delighted to help the storytellers of our times develop their craft.

I will try to provide advice to the best of my ability, but please be aware that this isn't a review service. I am not going to read through all of your threads and pick apart every little thing, nor am I going to comment on the development of storylines. I'm going to comment on structure. Punctuation. Spacing. Dialogue. Repetition of material. Technical aspects of your writing that, when mastered, will greatly improve the quality of your work.

Below is a form for you to fill out. You will notice that there are questions about your favorite book, author and music. This is meant to provide advice personally tailored to you. PM this form to me when it is filled out, please.

Code:

What is your most recent post (at the time of sending this PM)?

What do you find most difficult to write? Fight scenes? Emotions? Dialogue? Something else?

Do you read poetry? Do you have a favorite poem?

What is the easiest part of writing for you?

Do you have difficulty reading or understanding what you read?

Is English not your first language?

Who is your favorite author?

What is your favorite book?

What is your favorite song?

Are you currently attending some kind of school?

Is it a struggle to remain focused on your writing?

What device do you post from? Mobile, desktop, something else?

Do you have trouble describing actions?

Do you have difficulty describing your character's thoughts?

Do you often spell words incorrectly or misread sentences?

How often do you write?

Do you have much time to write?

Do you keep a journal? How often do you write in it?

What is your favorite video game?

Do you have regular internet access (at least weekly)?

[Gildarts]

Been eyeing this thread since it was first posted! My writing heart has been in and out of  heart lately and honest feedback might help me refocus my mind. Categories/ growth areas I feel I struggle with sometimes- dialogue, repetition (how do I emphasize a point without it getting annoying?) and technical mastery. Just one post is fine since usually mine are long ish. Also I have trouble keeping villains evil so they often turn to misunderstood anti-heroes who while they were evil they had a good reason/perspective to be.  This character is a crossroads demon   who is my most recent attempt at that scope but I will be pulling a little tragedy in her previous human memories eventually. Errrrr, in your opinion how do villains show character growth without changing sides?

(Most recent applicable Chaotic/Neutral Evil post below, also it wouldn't copy the italics from my phone >.<!) Thank you in advance !

Terrible, snarling, seething eyes. A monster just like her. He was vicious, destructive, and Alex had found it intoxicating.

Then weakness reared its ugly head, "Have you ever been in love?" Even her own insides had chilled at that question. For its answer told so much about Magus's fear. The silence was the very definition she had sought.

While her body stood still while the creature had been shocked, Alex's mind hadn't even been present. Magus's crimson eyes drizzled brightly in her mind. She wanted to know his secrets, to have that power over him, and she felt herself getting impatient, curiosity tortured her in the most uncomfortable way, like worms crawling below the thickness of her flesh.

She shook her head, attempting to keep her eyes on her eyeless prize. Omni. This world's divine. They were close, she could taste it.

The crew was ditched, and she was glad to get on stable ground, still unsure of the swaying sea above. Separated from drowning her in salt and death by the single lining of a bubble. And what if that creature came back? All it would take is a single... Pop!

A crewman'a gum had burst and he was collecting the chew all over again, eyeing the her hair as she climbed out of the vessel. Tch. Monsters that wore the mask of man. She knew all too much about them. Saw through this man's brown eyes, eyeing the pain as gems to collect, glimpsing at the memories of tears and regret, then, deeming him unworthy, snarling at him with just her eyes. His expression wavered and he looked away, proving her correct, like a wounded puppy with its tail between its legs. Tch.

The captain of the ship looked expectantly at her, it was so disgustingly  human of him, his puny expectations of the woman who had hitched a ride on his ship with incentive that his sexual needs would be taken care of. He would get what was coming to him, which is a fat load of nothing. Had Magus not been there, she would've snapped his neck more simply than she would squishing a mosquito between her hands. See, Alex liked justice, and she also liked to be the one to deliver. For now, she read the man's mind, and sent him back a truly horrible wavelength, one that would haunt him in his sleep. Every night, cursed until his death.

Magus had stayed, admiring the city, but not only for a moment had he paused and Alex came up impatiently behind him, "Are you just going to stand there? Or are you going to get a move on?"

"You seem more pissed than usual," he quipped, and set off. The demon's dark eyes widened, shocked for he was right but what had she done to be so easily read? She played it back in her mind while Magus's heels kicked up sand and the doom of saline water loomed over her head. Meanwhile, Alexandria had an itch that needed to be scratched and it prickled insatiably, with the more people swarming around.

She wondered where Captain Magus was taking them, but thought not to ask, for curiosity was a burden and asking was a sign of weakness. He seemed, at first, to know where he was going, but after he double-backed at the church twice, it began to get dark, so that the lanterns lining the streets sprang on and the blue sky overhead turned into the darkness of midnight. With the freshly sprung darkness, so came the crawlers of the night and the stench of alcohol on their breath.  

"Would you like me to get some directions, or do you know where you're going?" The question was simple enough, but Magus was scathing with anger.

He huffed and then growled, "Actually, we are looking for someone," but was interrupted by the click of a bullet being loaded mechanically into the chamber of a tall, trench coat covered man with a dark hat, the hat's brim shading over his eyes.

It seems he knows about her too, Christa, and we've come this far, only for... What's this? Does this man think I'm being robbed or raped? she couldn't keep her mind from chuckling, but kept the veil of her face perfectly sculpted with a well-chiseled beauteous shock.

"Hands off, back away from her, or I pull the trigger." His focus was on Magus's body language, he also glanced at a window which was allowing some reflection of Magus's face. The man's voice grinder against their ears like coarse gravel. Alex let her face fall into an unassuming expression, not giving away too much, yet laden with emotion that could be interpreted many different ways. Her eyes fixed on the man with the hat, and as Magus was instructed, he stepped aside slowly, while his mind snaked around the edges of the scene, seeking the best course of action. Strangely, his eyes went to the best liar, knowing he wouldn't be believed, knowing he was already marked as the perpetrator.

The man with the gun stepped away from the streetlight yet their eyes adjusted accordingly. Half of him was scaled in glittering red reptilian skin. Like that of a lab experiment gone wrong. She smirked. He seemed like the kind of guy that knew someone. Well, she was looking. The gun was still on Magus, and maybe, Alex liked that, for she didn't speak against or for him. She had to evaluate her cards and wore her best poker face. The real question sprouted her mind like it so often did. Was it time to cash in? She laid down a few cards onto the velvet night.

"Where is the woman who knows how to get to Omni?" Alex said, her voice unwavering and her eyes, uniquely defined by both the darkness and the light.

The man who had been looking at Magus with a seething abhorrence was a bit surprised. Surprised the damsel in distress had not immediately flung to his side upon being rescued. Surprised she had not been screaming. Surprised even more that rather than doing the finding, he himself had been found. He glimpsed at the woman, attempting to take in the truths her appearance would tell him, and with that, his guard was down, his attention not so focused on the trigger in his slithery hand, but on her, a fixed point of beauty in this moonless night, who hadn't needed rescuing at all.

WHAM!

Right in the teeth. Bright red gooey blood glossed over the pistol-wielding man's lips while he fell with the perpetuated force of the blow. Magus had taken her less than charming distraction and gracefully punched the man in the teeth. Ol' trenchy wasn't getting one over on him any time soon, yet Alex would keep her options open. Magus pinned the lizard down, and tossed away the half man's gun, yet suddenly the man beneath him lost his shape. The coat he wore, as well as the hat, fell empty, as used laundry and nothing more.

Magus clawed and could barely believe his eyes. Their lead, one who responded to Alex's question, had gotten away. He looked up, feeling the fury on him, knowing she would quip in something about him biting the dust. He tasted the bitter shame of defeat and pondered the blood on his not-so-bruised knuckle. Meanwhile, his ears were left empty.

The mage's eyebrows raised as he looked up, and Alex was no where in sight.

...

One street over, she'd appeared behind the coatless man with her smokey form and shoved him nearly through the brick wall of a street. The half lizard's cheek stung with cold stone while his lip dribbled with the warmth of his own blood.

"You ran because you know something, tell me or else," she threatened lightly, though it weighed heavy on his ears. She had the strength of a monster, and he would know.

"Vi won't associate herself with the likes of you, I'd rather die than rat-" Alex sighed and tuned him out.

"Vi? I was looking for Christa, but it seems you've piqued my interest. Perhaps I won't throw you into the coffin just yet. I'd like to meet her, and I'm afraid, there'll be no dying today." Smugly, she held him by the collar of his shirt. He squirmed and she broke his non-reptilian arm with ease. He screamed and Magus came running. Click, click, click, his footsteps patterned until his abrupt stop. He wouldn't be slighted so easily, yet it was her who held the prize.

"How did you-" the mage began to ask.

"Capture him? It just so happens we have a similar power, his however, is honed much less than mine. He's going to take us to the woman, aren't you, Jones?" her lips slithered into a smile while his skin covered itself in goose flesh as she spoke his name, "Or I'm going to break more than that little arm of yours."

Ref Link: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...3#pid90083

[Jade Harley]

Ooo, villains! Well, in my opinion, a really dastardly, 100% terrible villain never, ever does anything outside of their own self-interest. Given a choice between helping out or taking advantage of everyone else being weak, they will almost always choose the latter. If a giant meteor is hurtling towards their home planet, they might help to destroy it simply because their plans haven't come to full fruition. They're not through yet, and a stupid hunk of rock won't steal the chance to wreak devastation from them. A villain..... probably should either terrify or anger the reader, and not seem completely justified in all they do.

But showing character development is tricky. You can give your villain a reason behind their actions that makes the reader feel sorry for them, sure, but you can't let it justify any of what they're doing. Like, you've got Mr Freeze from the Batman Animated Series and the tradgedy of his wife being lost to him and all, but at the same time, he's hurting people, so that's unacceptable to the protagonist and the law. He never stops being a villain..... he doesn't help the hero, he's only pursuing his own agenda. I suppose a good way to do this in writing would be to have the villain do horrible, awful things beforehand, and only attempt to justify it with a revealed history or flashback when they are caught/challenged. Another example of this would the Maleficent.

Then, there are characters like Jim Moriarty from BBC's Sherlock. There is nothing sympathetic about what he is doing, and he never changes much at all in his bad guy status. Unlike Freeze and Maleficent, we don't feel sorry for him and are never given any reason to. His character growth...and what makes him so interesting..... is a marked evolution from an unknown, invisible threat to one that is very much real. When he appears, he is larger than life, dominating the scene and wreaking havoc on the title characters life. And what is his cause? Boredom.

Ahahaaa, sooo, bottom line is, a villain's gotta do bad things and be selfish about it. Doesn't matter if they treat it like a game, or a vendetta, or a justified psychological reaction... they are doing something monstrous. If they do good, it's gotta be either a trick or necessary to further their selfish plot.

I'd say that you're doing marvelously with Alex, the deception and violence is great. If you want to make the reader more sympathetic towards her and still keep her demonic,  I think you should keep the reasons for her actions from being a selfless act, but something for her own gain.

[Gildarts]

I saw the mention of Sherlock which is a show I can't get enough of and screamed internally. These are all amazing points I'll keep in mind, thank you very much ^o^ < 3