Not THE Beginning, but A Beginning

[Handsome Jack]

So… you want to hear a story, eh? One about a strange new world, where anything your heart desires can be yours? Haha! Have I got a story for you! The Omn- *BLAM!!*


Hey! This is- dammit, I got blood on my suit…- This is MY story, pal! Ain’t no way I’m letting some greedy little bandit-lover do my intro, alright?! A-HEM! Let’s try that again, shall we? And this time, no first-person perspective. I hear people HATE that shit.


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The air shimmered with the warmth of Pandora’s lifeblood, glowing magma flowing past the small, basalt island like a river. Echoing from the cavernous walls of the Vault were the death cries of the ancient Eridium weapon known as the Warrior; a monster of such mythical strength that it’s practically a god. Or, rather, it WAS practically a god. Whether through luck or skill (or just sheer firepower), the beast had been felled through the efforts of a ragtag group calling themselves ‘the Resistance’.


As the echoes of the Warrior’s defeat faded and were drowned out by the bubbling magma all around him, Jack was crushed under the weight of his despair. All his carefully laid plans come to a bitter end, all his-


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Actually, you know what: How about we just skip this part, alright? Let’s just say I murdered that Resistance off real nice, all before that douchebag Omni dragged me off in the midst of my victory celebration. Definitely not while I was busy bleeding out and about to get shot in the head. Ok, pumpkin, let’s skip ahead.


Oh, and sorry for the first person. I know I said we weren’t gonna do that, but...


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The lights were dazzling as Jack stepped out onto the stage. A crowd of spectators deafened him with the volume of the cheering, and through the glare, the Handsome One could spot the benefactor of the event he’d just one, a Mr. Karl Jak, nodding his approval over a glass of red wine. It had been a long, and hard road, filled with many an exciting moment and close-call, but in the end, Handsome Jack had become the winner of Dante’s Abyss. He had surmounted every obstacle, beaten every foe, and backstabbed his own ally, to scratch his way to the top. In a way, it reminded him of his days as-


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Ok, I think we might’ve skipped a bit too far that time. Straight into “speculative future” territory. Dial it back a bit, pal. How about we start just after Omni’s crappy speech? Ok? Good. Here we go. For realsies this time.

[Handsome Jack]

After the pitch darkness of the void, the brilliant alabaster of the Nexus was blinding, and the contrast forced Jack’s eyes shut. His mind raced to make sense of the situation. Just what the hell had happened to him? Who the hell was that white kid? And where the hell was he now? These were the foremost of the many questions Jack had about what was going on. All together it was a bit much to process, especially in his dazed state, so the Hyperion President set himself to the task of answering them one at a time: a far more manageable feat.

Ok, so what had happened? That’s easy enough: he had died. After the Warrior has fallen, Jack’s HUD had been damaged by the wave of energy the Vault had released. That meant no New-U revival for him, and a bullet to the head ain’t just something you walk off. Yep. Definitely dead. Alright, onto the next one.

Who was this Omni guy? Well, taken into context with the fact Jack was dead, that was also a pretty easy question to answer. Omni equals God. Jack had to admit he hadn’t really expected God to be a prepubescent with a child-molester smile, but at the least that meant he had been right all along. Villains don’t go to heaven. They go straight to hell. Do not pass God, do not collect two hundred dollars. Right down the ol’ flame-tube to torture town.

All this meant Jack’s third question was also answered easily enough. Since this ain’t Pandora, or Hell, and he saw God, it must be Heaven. Fucking sweet. Of course, Kid-God said something about an Omnivese or some shit, but maybe that’s just the formal name or something. Jack squinted against the white, allowing his eyes to adjust, and visually confirmed his suspicions. White everywhere. Big ol’ fountain. Yep. Definitely Heaven.

Allowing his knees to fold, Jack fell into a seated position and looked up at the unchanging white slate of the sky. It felt real good to know that, for all his enemies’ bluster of him being a monster just for murdering a few dozen five-year olds, he was the Hero he’d always knew he was. For the first time in his life, he almost felt… at peace.

“Hey, man? Uh… Are you alright?”

A voice from his left broke Jack’s silent contemplation. Looking past his shoulder, the Handsomest Dude Ever saw a plain-clothed man with dark hair and beard, what looked like a shorter, paler (and somehow MORE bearded) woman, and their obviously inbred rapscallion of indeterminate gender. Behind them, a small cart, filled with various refuse they probably assumed were valuable, led by a definitely NOT diamond pony.

The sight was enough to shock Jack back to reality, and he leapt to his feet to put some distance between himself and the trio.

“No. NO! Nonononono! This… this can’t be right… I don’t believe it…” The Hero began to mutter to himself, a feeling of horror welling up in his breast. “I WON’T believe it. This… this isn’t Heaven at all! Poor people don’t go to Heaven! This is Hell! FUCK MY LIFE, THIS IS HELL!!!!”

[Handsome Jack]

“Ok, so what you’re saying is that this ISN’T Heaven, but some weird-ass place called the Omniverse? And there’s all sorts of ‘Verses’ that were pulled straight from a novel? AND I’m something called a Prime with all sorts of cool abilities and shit?” Jack asked the man, rubbing his chin. “That’s the basic gist of it, right?”

“Y-yeah… That’s right,” the man groaned in reply.

“Alright, sweet. I can get behind that. Still kinda pissed Omni yanked me over here, but what you gonna do, am I right?”

Letting out a shallow sigh, Jack looked down at the man and his cowering family. The pristine white of the Nexus’ floor was staining with the pool of red spreading from the man’s knee. The guy had gotten a little uppity after HJ had his little… break of decorum, so the latter had needed to discipline the former a bit to get him calm again. Well, calmer. At least he’d stopped bitching and moaning about being shot. The wife and kid had taken a bit longer to calm down, but the threat of a bullet through the little one’s temple had quieted them down quickly enough.

“You know what, pumpkin? I know I said a lot of things about how uncultured, ignorant, unhygienic, and inbred you guys are… but in the end, I guess you’re not all that bad. I mean, it took a little persuasion, but you DID help me out with figuring out what’s going on, so I just wanted to say: thanks. I appreciate it.”

Pressing his thumbs against his wound to staunch the flow of blood, the man, with a glimmer of hope shining in his eyes, asked, “S-so… you’re gonna let us go, then?”

“Wait, what?” Jack replied, laughing. “Oh, no. No no no. Look, pal, I’d love to let you go and all… but I really wouldn’t. Nah. And not just because there’s a bunch of guys coming over to help you out.”

To illustrate his point, Jack gestured towards what the man had explained was the Gate to Camelot, and the small squad of armored soldiers on horseback galloping their way. He’d noticed them coming when the man had explained what the Gates were, and that he had come from Camelot to trade. Placing a humble hand on his chest, Jack continued.

“I might be a bonafide bad-ass, but I don’t think I’m ready to handle a couple dozen guys just yet. I need a little time to get used to all this, you understand? And here’s the deal, pumpkin. Those tin-man are still too far out to see who I actually am. The only people who know what I look like are… well, you. And I’d prefer to keep it that way.”

HJ could see that the hope in their eyes had been replaced by stark terror, so he hurried to finish his little monologue before they decided to scatter. Lifting the pistol in his hand towards the family, he held out his free hand and began to coalesce Omnilium into something he could use to travel the vast plane of the Nexus.

“But here’s the kicker, pal. More than that, there’s another reason I’m gonna kill ya. You wanna guess what it is?”

*Bang!* *Blam-Blam!*

“It’s because I wanted to,” Jack finished stoically to the trio of corpses lying before him.

[Handsome Jack]

TK989 stood bewildered as the strange new Prime passed through the Gate into Coruscant, leaving behind his glittering mount. As he did so, the soldiers from Camelot cantered to a stop, huddled up for a moment, and trotted off back the way they had come.

“Heh… That’s weird,” YU123 chuckled as he watched them go. “Usually WE’RE the ones dealing with out-of-control Primes. Kinda nice to see it happen to the Cammies instead.”

“Yeah,” TK replied, lowering his weapon from his shoulder. “Though, I kinda wonder what he did to make them chase him all the way here.”

YU glanced over at the small diamond horse as he lowered his own weapon, the threat of a conflict behind him.

“I’m just amazed he rode all the way here on THAT. Couldn’t have felt good…”

Barking out a laugh, his companion nodded. “Fucking idiot, am I right? Shoulda just summoned a car or something. Would have made the ride a lot more comfortable, at least.”

A moment of awkward silence passed between the two guards, only broken by the occasional snort from Buttstallion.

“I don’t think he’s coming back for his ride, TK…”

“Yeah… it’s been awhile. Probably not. Guess he must have really pissed off the Cammies if he didn’t want to come back for the little guy.”

“Girl,” replied YU. “It’s a girl horse.”

“What? How the hell do you know that?!”

“Look, some of us like to educate ourselves, alright? I wwas going to college for field biology, before the draft caught me.”

“Dude, that sucks. Yeah, I was just flipping burgers before I get dragged in. This was kind of a step-up for me.”

YU’s only reply was a grunt, again followed by a long silence.

“So, uh… should we go after him, or radio the guys inside, or something? Just to make sure he doesn’t get into any trouble?” TK asked curiously, directing a thumb towards the shimmering gate behind them.

“... Nah,” his battle-buddy replied. “No one’s stupid enough to pull any shit right in Dredd’s backyard.”