McNinja Doesn't Steal Panties

[Dr. McNinja]

"YEEEEHAWWWW"

Dr. McNinja giggled like a small child, waving his katana in the air. His groin was starting to ache, but it was totally worth it, given that he was currently riding a velociraptor bareback.

Yoshi screeched as Doc spurred him forward. They were dashing along the familiar white hollowness of the Nexus. It took Doc some time and a considerable amount of Omnilium to summon his partner’s mount, and he wasn’t as fast or comfortable as Sparklelord, but then again, Yoshi wasn’t an omnicidal unicorn from an alternate dimension that corrupted his soul. Probably. Needless to say, this was way faster than just walking back to the Tangled Green. And plus, he got to look like he was part of a dinosaur cavalry.

After only about two hours’ travel, Yoshi rushed through the portal to the Tangled Green. As he entered it, it was hard to ignore the giant masses of red, white and blue that were moving in the distance.

“Is that Captain America next to Optimus Prime?” Dr. McNinja thought to himself as the familiar flash of white light drowned his eyes.

***

Yoshi slowly jogged to a stop and stood panting in the lovely forest. The gate to the Nexus shimmered right behind him as Yoshi sniffed around, processing the forest in his mind. The squirrel that Doc had crushed on his first visit here was now a pile of fungus that glowed a menacing red color.

“Lovely,” Doc said, “Let’s go, Yoshi."

Yoshi responded with a slow trot down the path. Dr. McNinja was not a fan of forest air. One would ask why his office was in the woods. He honestly had no idea. His thoughts were interrupted when, after a few minutes of travel, Yoshi stopped in his tracks. A nearby stream was flowing with gorgeous, clear water. Yoshi stopped next to it and started slurping up the water like a puppy would. Doc patted his neck.

“Don’t drink too much at once, it’s bad for you.”

Yoshi lifted his dripping maw and roared, “SKREEEEE” into Dr. McNinja’s face, firing a shotgun blast of drool and snot towards his mask. Dr. McNinja wiped it off with his coat sleeve.

“Yeah, yeah,” he mumbled.

Doc frowned as he tried to meditate. His entire time in the Omniverse, he had been thrown around and captured and dragged on volcanic rock and arrested by Stormtroopers, of all things, and he hadn’t had any time to figure out things for himself. He had so much chaos going on. It was as if Omni was keeping him busy on purpose, so that he wouldn’t have time to really think about what to do. To be fair, he wasn’t sure either. Now that he was a Cygnus Knight or whatever, he probably had duties. It was high time he tried to settle down somewhere. New Ereve seemed a better place than any, given that that was the only place in the Omniverse where not everyone wanted to kill him.

Yoshi finished drinking his water and looked at Doc expectantly. Dr. McNinja nodded and climbed onto his back again. Rearing once, and shrieking again, Yoshi began to briskly trot down the rough forest path.

The sunlight gleamed quite beautifully through the canopy of the forest. To be fair, it was also annoying, as light flickered and danced in Doc’s eyes, but nevertheless the light revealed floating pollen and dust specks that swirled like some airborne tide. Doc observed the mossy bark on the trees. The path grew darker as Doc followed it. The forest seemed to close in on itself and the trees began to strangle the sun. Just like last time he was here.

What else happened last time?

THUNK

A throwing star landed in a tree where Doc had been riding seconds ago.

“Oh yeah I got attacked by ninjas.” Dr. McNinja kicked Yoshi with both feet and leaned forward, crying, “Hiyah!”

Yoshi turned around and glared at Doc indignantly.

“What?” Dr. McNinja whimpered, “It works with horses.”

Dozens more THUNKs greeted the pair as the tree became covered in throwing stars.

“Yoshi can we plEASE LEAVE RIGHT NOW” Doc shouted fearfully.

“SKREEE” Yoshi replied, then started sprinting along the path. As the velociraptor charged, Dr. McNinja looked up at the branches. Standard ninja training instructed one that, when chasing a target in forests, to hop along tree branches. These ninjas were no exceptions, and Doc saw momentary glimpses of black flash in and out of vision.

Doc prepared two throwing stars from his coat pocket as arrows and throwing stars showered the ground underneath Yoshi’s feet. Yoshi had begun to swerve left and right to avoid the deadly projectiles, but Dr. McNinja was not nonplussed. He might say he was very plussed. Then, Doc told himself, he might have to question the American secondary education system, considering that he had learned all that they could teach him and he still couldn’t speak proper English.

Dr. McNinja blindly threw the stars upwards at an angle, hoping it would hit at least something. Doc heard several grunts, and heard the lovely sound of assassins falling to the ground from a large height. Yoshi whipped around and headed towards the noise.

“Yoshi,” Doc whispered to the velociraptor, “I need to get up there.”

Yoshi screeched in understanding and leapt into the air. At the height of the dinosaur’s jump, Dr. McNinja jumped with all his might. He landed softly on another branch and jumped forward into a cluster of leaves, impossibly silently, and waited to ambush the remaining attackers. From the looks of it, Yoshi had the same thought, for he was nowhere to be seen.

The ninjas all seemed to gather around their wounded. Both stars had found a target, and other ninjas seemed to have collided with them and tumbled to the ground.

“You fake!” one of them shouted upwards in sheer fury, “You try and mimic ninjutsu, and use it for your own evil desires!”

Dr. McNinja frowned. There was no mimicking here. He truly had mastered ninjutsu.

“You should be ashamed of yourself! You bring dishonor to our clan!”

A bush right behind the shouting ninja rustled. The entire team turned around, panicking. Another bush rustled. The ninjas formed a ring, preparing for the next ambush. Then, the one who had been shouting turned and saw a glint somewhere in a bush. An eye.

“Kashikoi on’nanako,*” the ninja murmured.

* Clever girl.

Dr. McNinja watched as Yoshi lunged forward and tore many of the ninjas a new one. Doc himself attached a grappling hook to the noisy ninja and yanked him up into his cluster of leaves. The other ninjas cried out in pain and whimpered as they died.

Meanwhile, Dr. McNinja gripped the ninja by the collar of his robes and glared into his eyes.

“I’m not sure why you’re talking sh*t but you guys are really gonna have to stop this ambush business. You’re terrible at it.”

“We will never stop fighting you, you disgrace! Your people parody our ways like clowns, then-“

“Whoa, whoa, my people?” Doc said, “Are there other McNinjas in the Omniverse?”

“So that’s what you call yourselves, eh?” the ninja snarled, “The McNinjas? Even the name is some sick parody of true ninjas.”

“We are real ninjas,” Doc growled, “We learned from a master and have passed on his lessons throughout generations. They’re actually kinda boring but hey, no pain no gain. Also there was a thing with shamrocks, apparently. Point is, we’re the real deal.”

“The ‘real deal’ doesn’t steal panties from teenage girls,” the ninja snarled.

Dr. McNinja raised an eyebrow.

“WHAT.”

“Please. Don’t feign ignorance. We all know what your ’ninja training’ is really for.”

“I think you got the wrong person,” Dr. McNinja stammered, “I uh... don’t steal panties.”

“Well, who would you be? There are no other ninjas here. Unless you’re claiming to be a Prime!”

The ninja scoffed, then scowled.

“Hang on, did you say McNinja? As in the doctor?”

“Go home,” Doc snarled, “Tell your clan… They’ve got the wrong man.”

Dr. McNinja let the grappling hook stay in the ninja’s robes as he dropped him off of the branch. The ninja screamed in fear as he tumbled down, only to be stopped by the rope. He was stuck, dangling there, shouting profanities in Japanese. Meanwhile, Doc hopped out of the tree and dropped onto Yoshi’s back. Yoshi purred.

“Yeah! That’s right! Clever girl!” Doc cooed, petting Yoshi’s neck.

Yoshi purred again, and closed his eyes in pleasure. Suddenly, he feigned snapping his jaws at him, then screeched again. Dr. McNinja leaned back.

“Okay, I get it,” Doc said, “If I kick you again, you’re going to eat me. Understood.”

Yoshi snorted indignantly and started trotting down the path again, leaving velociraptor footprints and a slaughtered group of ninjas, with one survivor.

[Dr. McNinja]

"I think I should be running."

Dr. McNinja ducked again as another ninja patrol swept by. These ninja seemed to be the same "What did I do? Is this for the panties? I never stole those panties. That wasn't me."

Unfortunately, our friendly velociraptor Yoshi, who was having much more difficulty than Dr. McNinja to hide in the brush, was unable to speak English. She was, after all, merely a humble velociraptor, lacking the tools for human speech.

If Yoshi could speak English, she would have told the good doctor that, no, Dr. McNinja was probably wanted not for allegedly stealing panties, but for definitely murdering a pair of ninja scouts who, frankly, just wanted to slightly maim him.

All Yoshi could get out was "Scrawww".

Dr. McNinja shrugged. "You're right, it was probably the panties thing. I mean, honestly! Doesn’t even sound like me!"

“Scraww" *

* "That's not what I said at all. It was the murder. It was definitely the ninja murder."

"I know!" Dr. McNinja scoffed, "McNinjas don't steal panties!"

“Scrawwwww" **

** "WHY ARE YOU SO FIXATED ABOUT THE PANTIES"

"That's just creepy, you know- STEALTH"

Dr. McNinja ducked again under the leaves of the brush. Yoshi tried to shove her head under a different brush, but alas, a velociraptor has many more limits than verbal communication. Her scramble to get under cover brought the attention of the second wave of ninja scouts.

“Hey, I see something over there!”

Dr. McNinja grimaced and glared at Yoshi as at least thirteen ninja warriors dropped onto him out of nowhere.

“NOT”

Doc punched one in the chin, kicking another into another.

“CLEVER”

Doc deflected two more shuriken with his katana, parrying two other blades, then leapt into the air. He managed to grip onto the bark of a tree as he sprinted up the trunk. He hopped from the branch, let his coat flutter for a bit. Sometimes, it was so freaking cool to be a ninja. He reached into his pocket and found the flashbang he seemed to keep using. Twirling as he seemed to hang in mid-air, Dr. McNinja flung the stun grenade towards the center of the ambush. Like good ninjas, the assassins were already pursuing him. One of them, presumably under the assumption that the projectile was a shuriken, swung at it with his own katana. Big mistake.

As the blade hit the grenade, Doc covered his eyes with the hem of his coat. The blast seemed to knock out quite a few of them while they were jumping. This was unfortunate. They would not be able to land at this height.

Doc grimaced. “I think Hippocrates would have something to say about this.”

Dr. McNinja used Grappling Hook!

He let his grappling hook loose and latched onto a nearby branch. He dove down, arms outstretched. There were three that were too high up to survive a stunned fall. He grabbed the first and tossed him through a tree. Nothing fatal, possibly a few things broken, in his professional opinion. Oh and quite a bit of splinters, he imagined.

Doc barely caught the second with his free hand. His left hand was still clutching onto the grapple for dear life, but to McNinja’s dismay, the third ninja was still falling. Cursing, Doc yanked the hook free and launched it at the third ninja. It clearly landed, given the horrified yelp from the falling warrior.

Doc twisted his body, swinging the hooked ninja upwards, hopefully landing him onto somewhere helpful. The one in his hand, Doc gave the old throw-through-a-tree treatment.

But now he was falling very, very fast, and he just noticed that his grappling hook was still pretty high up.

“No idea how I’m getting out of this one."

[Dr. McNinja]

Dr. McNinja luckily broke his fall by grabbing onto a nearby tree branch with his right hand. Broke his fall, and possibly his wrist. There was a time when he could just use his ninja skills to grab on without any issue, but Omniverse physics seemed to insist on Doc sustaining many, many severe injuries.

“I think I know how to fix this,” Doc thought to himself, “As soon as I get back to that village place.”

Yoshi. He had to find Yoshi. He couldn’t just leave his faithful dinosaur companion behind. Gordito would kill him. Would he? Maybe he wouldn't. But then, that wasn't very important.

Dr. McNinja glanced around. So far, he hadn't killed anyone. He knocked out two ninjas by tossing them through trees, and one of them had a metal hook in their leg, but everyone else was unharmed. Stunned, but unharmed.

Not harmless, though.

Dr. McNinja jumped into a spin, his katana spitting sparks as shuriken kissed his blade. In his second, much more controlled descent, he almost seemed a spinning, black-and-white whirlpool from which metal shards seemed to refract. He landed directly onto Yoshi's back. Yoshi screeched indignantly and snapped at a hostile ninja who was coming too close.

"Itsa-me, Dr. McMario!" Doc cried as Yoshi sprinted through the woods, heading towards Ambrosia. The ninja scouts watched as the man escaped, some too injured to continue, the rest too confused.

"What now?" one of the scouts mumbled.

"Now..." the leader sighed, "Now we report our failure to Tsunade."

***

"So, you're telling me that this... pervert doctor ninja... managed to escape without killing any of our men?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Tsunade sighed. "This is the same ninja that killed a dozen of our scouts?"

The messenger nodded. "What is your command?"

Tsunade looked out of the window.

"Keep the bounty open, but let's leave it at that," she sighed, "I have bigger things to worry about."

***

Yoshi snarled as she entered the gates to Ambrosia. Doc dismounted and patted Yoshi on the neck as he led the dinosaur into the stable.

"Alright, Yoshi," Doc muttered, "Please don't eat anything this time."

"Don't worry," the stablemaster assured him, "we've seen weirder."

Doc handed him a small tip of Omnilium and made his way to the center of the town.

There was something decidedly medieval about this town. This distressed the Cumberland native, especially given that he had returned to Ambrosia for medical attention. The houses were made of wooden planks that seemed shoddily put together, founded by large stones that were roughly cut. The uneven cobblestones sloped in a haphazard way, and in some places the roads were just made of dirt.

Yet signs of modern, and vaguely Japanese society seemed to leak into the village. Wooden shield-shaped signs swung about, labelling buildings not as inns and taverns, but as motels and cafes. In fact, Doc saw one such sign, shaped like a knightly family crest, with a lion engraved into the center, as well as the words "OK Karaoke!" As Dr. McNinja walked, he noted the spray-paint graffiti sprawled on the medieval walls, street art celebrating one particular artist's swag and ability to court and bed another's mother.

The denizens were no less bizarre, but this Dr. McNinja remembered from his last visit. Ignoring the band of pixie-creatures drifting on floating flowers, he stooped into a large tent labelled with a red cross. Hopefully, Ambrosia wasn't so different from Doc's world that the red cross didn't mean "Fight to the death".

To his relief, Dr. McNinja found himself inside a makeshift medical tent. In his honest opinion, the place was very shoddy. The surgical tools were cluttered clumsily on tables, some rusting from viral gunk. Bottles for pills and liquid medicine were thrown all over the floor, some of them smashed altogether. This was reasonable, however, given the sheer number of patients that choked the tent with groans of pain. And from a quick scan, Doc realized that most of the patients were, in fact-

"Not urgent cases," a voice whined nearby, "but nonetheless, as I am the only medical operative in the area, I have to take care of all of them. At once."

Doc turned around and saw a strange person indeed. There was an anthropomorphic rat in a purple dress scowling at the masses, balancing dozens of different medical tools. Unsurprisingly, she was very stressed and thoroughly unhappy.

"And who might you be?" the rat inquired.