A Light in the Darkness Turn-IN

[Proto Man]

The quest begins here - <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=2425#p31954">viewtopic.php?f=19&t=2425#p31954</a><!-- l -->

I will be adding another post at some point tonight, but I wanted to file this request now to get a bit of an early start on the process (sue me :p).  Chances are said additional RP will be up in the next hour or two anyhoo.

I appreciate whoever can make the time for this.  It means a lot.

[Dark Link]

I could take care of this for you, though it might get delayed a bit since I still have a fight to judge. Alternatively, if you want it to be judged ASAP, I could let someone else handle it. It's your call.

[Proto Man]

If no one else is available, I'll gladly take your offer, DL.

[Proto Man]

-nudge- as I am some kind of shameless monster

[Dark Link]

Alright, my sincere apologies for the long wait. First, the quest stipulations:

• Must not be affiliated with Dracula's Army or Diablo's Army? Check
  
• A minimum of 5000 words? Check
  
• Two weeks of service? Check (well, mostly, but I'm aware that you intend to make another post or two after this)

With the basics cleared, here is my judgement. Like the other judges, I graded the quest based on four categories. Here is my definition for each of them:

• Style - This category deals with how the story is conveyed. How well does the work flow? Are the word choices appropriate and varied? Does the writing fit the intended tone and atmosphere? How detailed is the text?
  
• Grammar - This covers the technical quality of the writing, i.e. spelling, capitalisation, proper use of tenses and punctuation marks etc.
  
• Story - This is everything related to the content itself. Do the events follow a logical order? Is the plot consistent with the setting? Do the actions/events make sense within the context of the world and the characters that inhabit it?
  
• Awesomeness - Simply put, this explains whether I enjoyed the story, whether I was invested in what was happening and whether or not it was engaging.

Each category is graded from 1 to 5, 1 being 'abysmal' and 5 being 'excellent' (note that this does not mean 'perfect'), whereupon the scores are totalled. Since the quest is only of moderate difficulty, a total score of 10 is enough for successful completion.

Scorecard:

• Style - 4/5
  This was where your vast amounts of practice and experience really shined through. Your style is very refined, touching upon multiple facets of the scenes and events while still maintaining a brisk and steady pace. I also didn't feel like any of your stylistic or word choices were out of place for the kind of story you were trying to deliver. However, I am of two minds when it comes to your decision to write two of your posts as diary entries.
  
  To be certain, it was a very interesting choice which enabled you to quickly cover the more mundane parts of the plot and offer a more personal perspective on the events. But the inconsistency in their use and their primary function as 'info dumps' made for some awkward transitions, which disrupted the flow and pacing. I think these kind of devices are more effective when they are employed with some regularity. As it is, these sections end up being a bit of an oddity in comparison to the rest of the thread.
  
  
  
• Grammar - 5/5
  I think I maybe noticed like two typos in the entire quest. Otherwise, the grammar of the text didn't draw my attention....which is a very good thing. Admittedly, I'm fairly lenient when it comes to this category, since I don't consider myself an expert and I primarily care that it doesn't undermine the reading experience. But near as I can tell, you have the technical proficiency of your writing down pat.
  
  
  
• Story - 3/5
  The plot line was fairly solid. You covered all the necessary parts of the quest, the events had logical causes and effects, the tone and atmosphere were appropriate for the setting and it was varied enough to remain interesting throughout. I particularly liked that the events in the background weren't just...well, background noise and that they actually ended up shaping what was happening to the garrison.
  
  The fight against the drow was the highlight of the quest and not just because it was the most exciting/active part. Even though they still ended up being fended off rather easily, I liked how well organised the attack by the drow was and that they employed a trick/gambit in their assault. Considering they had been besieging Darkshire for a long time, it makes sense that they would employ more unconventional methods in order to overcome the defences.
  
  Speaking of tricks, the whole twist with the traitorous/malfunctioning skeletons was just great. I don't think a lot of writers would have thought to put the reliability of such magical automatons into question (robots, sure, but very rarely is the same applied to magical constructs). And while we didn't get to learn why that happened, that too was a good decision. Not only was the truth behind the matter irrelevant to the current story, it arguably would have only served to undermine it. In this particular case, the moral quandary the mystery caused was more important than the mystery itself.
  
  Having said all that, I did have some problems with the story. The biggest one was the depiction of the garrison that Proto and Mireya served with....or, more accurately, the lack of it. Now, you did establish early on that most of these men and women were a sleazy and morally dubious bunch, so I perfectly understand why there wasn't much in the way of camaraderie and bonding between the main characters and them. However, there probably was at least some interaction (even if it was strictly duty-related) and our two heroes did at least observe and listen to them. Yet, throughout the entire quest, we hardly learn anything about them. How did they treat each other, how was their morale, what did they think of the higher ups or what was going on at town hall, how were they coping with the bleak situation, are they all entirely fatalistic or are at least some of them clinging to a spark of hope etc. All of this is barely even touched upon, assuming it is mentioned in the first place.
  
  To be fair, I do think you were perhaps trying to do this to some extent with Abigail. But because Abigail primarily talked about her tale and she was an outsider like Proto and Mireya, it ended up telling us more about why she is awesome than it did anything about the garrison. A shame, since someone like her, who has spent a lot more time with these men and women, could have served as a window through which we could have learned more about them as well as Darkshire itself.
  
  If this were any other kind of story, I probably wouldn't have cared as much about this particular aspect, since mooks generally don't play an important role and conservation of detail is always important. But this entire quest revolves around spending two weeks with these people, fighting and risking your life alongside them. Even if they were generally deplorable human beings, there must have still been something that was driving them to risk their lives every night on that wall instead of fleeing at the first opportunity.The fact that we hardly got much of a sense of what they were like and that they were almost relegated to being footnotes in the quest is not only a major lost opportunity, it ended up undermining the very story you were trying to tell, since the development that most of them were essentially being sent to die didn't have as much of an impact as a result.
  
  One more thing. The cover up towards the end strained my suspension of disbelief somewhat. Not the fact that they were trying to do so (that was fine and a logical development of the plot), but the method which they used to accomplish this. Considering the whole purpose of the cover up was to prevent Darkshire from falling apart, leaving just five people to watch over an entire section of the wall would not only have been incredibly suspect, it would have jeopardised the town as a whole had that section been attacked again. This isn't such a big issue, since it's entirely possible that you intentionally wrote the cover-up method as ridiculous. But if they were smart enough to think about the consequences the incident would have caused had it become public knowledge, I would think they'd be smart enough to use a different method of covering up their tracks (like, for example, using the patrols as an excuse to reshuffle guards around).
  
  
  
• Awesomeness - 3/5
  Though this was a pretty solid read, it didn't make me feel particularly invested in what was happening. One reason for this is that the characters were perhaps a bit too black and white for my taste. When it comes to bleak settings such as this, I generally expect the characters inhabiting it to be more morally grey and have hidden complexities/depths (or at least some of them). Unfortunately, that wasn't really the case here; the good people (primarily Proto, Mireya and Abigail) were great while everyone else was an incompetent, malevolent buffoon. As a result, I found it rather difficult to care about what would happen to Darkshire and its inhabitants.
  
  Also, as difficult as this might be to explain, the quest as a whole gave me a sense that it didn't particularly matter within the context of the greater storyline. Since it is far too connected to the overall Darkshire events, it doesn't really work as a self-contained plot line. At the same time, however, it was also detached enough from everything else that was happening that it was almost like an odd detour before we get back to more important things. Basically, the quest feels like it was more of a formality than an integral part of a larger plan.
  
  That all said, I would not have given you a high score if I thought this wasn't an enjoyable read. The basics were solid and there was enough diversity in what was happening (and how it was happening) that things didn't become stale. In spite of the flaws I noted, it kept me intrigued enough that I genuinely wanted to see it through to the end, not just because I was obligated to read it. I think this points to one of your greatest advantages as a writer, consistency. Even when it's not 'The Cure', your work is almost always a pleasant experience. And in my eyes, that is worth a lot.

Total Score: 15/20

You have successfully completed the Quest and may receive the Emblem of Darkshire and bear the title of 'Defender of Darkshire'. Keep in mind that, in order to retain that status, you will have to return to Darkshire and help defend it once a month. I will be adding your OM reward shortly.

[Proto Man]

Thank you, DL. And no, it was obviously not a self-contained story, so I apologize if that took something from your experience reading it.

(and for the record, I made it a common trope throughout Proto Man's tenure in the Pale Moors that he is, in fact, a 'white' person in a sea of people who are either morally gray or outright 'black').

[Dark Link]

Thank you, DL. And no, it was obviously not a self-contained story, so I apologize if that took something from your experience reading it.

(and for the record, I made it a common trope throughout Proto Man's tenure in the Pale Moors that he is, in fact, a 'white' person in a sea of people who are either morally gray or outright 'black').

You're welcome. And like I said, the fact that it wasn't a self-contained story wasn't in itself a flaw. It's just that it didn't really feel that important to the overall storyline either, so it was almost like we were just there to kill time.

Also, I had absolutely no qualms about Proto essentially being a 'shining beacon of hope' within the Pale Moors; I mean that's what he does, after all. In fact, the good guys being great wasn't really what bothered me (though I found Mireya to be a bit too self-righteous at times). I just think the grey/"black" characters could have used a bit more fleshing out beyond "they're massive jerks". I just don't think that people who were just that would have such grim resolve to preserve the last spark of humanity within the Moors.