A McNinja in the Omniverse

[Dr. McNinja]

“My name is Omni. This is not the world you know."

"This is the Omniverse. You interest me, so I have made you part of it. The Omniverse is a place that reflects the wishes of those who are part of it. But! There are rules. I will explain them only once, so listen carefully.”

Omni handed McNinja a glimmering orb in which all the colors of the rainbow coalesced.

“This is Omnilium. It’s what ties the Omniverse together. Without it, you are nothing. With it, anything you desire can be yours. But you will need more than this. If you desire it enough, you will find it. You will find that using it comes naturally. Just think of what you desire most.

“You will not be alone in the Omniverse. There are others. Of course, they, too desire Omnilium. Do not fear death. For as long as you interest me, you will be reborn.

“That’s all you need to know right now. You’ll figure out the rest soon enough. I’ll be watching … and waiting.”

In a flash of light, Dr. McNinja dropped into oblivion.

~~~

WHOOSH
THUMP
WHACK

Dr. McNinja came to, lifting himself with weak arms. The shock got to him more than he expected. He helped himself up with his sword and turned around. He was standing at the base of a huge gaping purple wormhole - the time vortex. Besides the chronological gash in front of him, the rest of the world seemed pretty... blank. There was nothing around.

"It's just white," he muttered to himself.

Dr. McNinja walked away from the vortex and looked around as far as he could.

"There's nothing here."

He knelt and knocked on the ground. Nothing. It didn't make a sound, and the texture, the hardness, it could only be described as nonexistent. It didn't even feel like air - yet, the doctor could stand on it. He tried to dig into it. Of course, it didn't work.

Dr. McNinja leapt into the air, screaming.

"THIS IS SO BORING"

WHACK

Dr. McNinja went flying as something hard smashed him in the face. He slid on the ground, trying to regain his footing.

"Okay, now it's not so boring."

In front of him was a small legion of cartoonish turtles with huge purple wings. They had obsidian shells, encrusted with ancient magma, glowing at the seams with molten rock, and bloodshot eyes that seemed to shimmer with heat.

"All... hail... Darkseid."

Dr. McNinja scanned the intruders. Five. Okay, manageable.

He scowled. "You're not the welcoming party, are you?"

One of the turtles came divebombing towards Dr. McNinja. He tried to jump out of the way, but his legs were too weak. The turtle caught his leg and grabbed hold of it, and lifted him into the air.

"You know," Dr. McNinja mumbled, "I definitely remember being able to jump higher than that."

Resounding with a loud clash of metal, Dr. McNinja unsheathed his katana and slashed off the arms of the turtle holding him.

"Oh wait, maybe it's because the physics doesn't work here like it does in Cumberland!"

With three gory slashes, he was able to cut open two more turtles in mid-air.

"No, I'm still falling just fine..."

Dr. McNinja saw another turtle flying towards him. Since the turtle was out of his range of his sword, he reached for his shuriken. Unfortunately, he did not have any. That was irritating.

The turtle was charging right at him. Dr. McNinja, labcoat fluttering in the air, stuck out his katana in the general direction of his foe. The turtle slammed headfirst into the blade. The impact still knocked the doctor back, since he was not standing on anything.

"WHERE ARE MY SHURIKEN"

He landed painfully on the ground, bouncing a few times. After he finally came to rest, Dr. McNinja lifted himself and used his foot to get the turtle off of his sword. He looked down and observed it. It was dead and bloody, and despite the disturbing realism of it all, the turtle was clearly a-

"There's something wrong with this picture," Dr. McNinja exclaimed. "Ugh, this is gonna drive me nuts. Just like that time with Yoshi! Um... Uh..."

The last Paratroopa was sailing in the air. He tucked his limbs and head into his shell, and started barrelling, a turtle cannonball.

"I'm totally blanking! Just give me a minute..."

The Paratroopa was seconds from impact-

WHACK

Dr. McNinja casually punched the Paratroopa in the face, blowing the turtle back. He rubbed his knuckles.

"Oh, yeah! You guys are from Super Mario. That's why this doesn't make sense. I can't be fighting Paratroopas because they're from Super Mario. Wait, is Mario real in the Omniverse?"

"We are-"

"That's gotta be weeeird. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is Batman here?"

"We are-"

"Ohh, it's gonna be awesome to see my best buddy again!"

"We are-"

"I mean, he's not my real best buddy. But we all are friends with Batman in our hearts- okay I've never met him be quiet."

The Paratroopa let out a horrible screech. The cracks in its shell were glowing hotter and brighter.

"We... are legion. We... are Apokalips Paratroopas. All hail the Lord of Entropy."

The glowing was so bright it nearly blinded Dr. McNinja.

"All hail Darkseid."

"I heard you the first time-"

With a rippling boom, the Paratroopa exploded. Dr. McNinja dove out of the way, covering his face with his lab coat. After a few minutes, the flare settled, leaving nothing but an ashen corpse of the Paratroopa. Dr. McNinja coughed, then barely got himself up.

"I... should deal with that. Yeah."

He stood up and glared at the ash marks on the ground.

"Darkseid," he muttered.

[Dr. McNinja]

Dr. McNinja was still brushing the ash off of his coat about 15 minutes after he started walking. Finally, exhausted after the fight (those turtles packed an excessively large punch), he collapsed onto the floor.

"Sir," droned a deep voice, "State your name, occupation, if applicable, and intent."

Dr. McNinja glanced up. In front of him stood a man in another lab coat. He shuffled onto his feet with great effort. Brushing ash again from his coat, he cleared his throat and adjusted his tie.

"I'm Dr. McNinja. I'm a... well, doctor. And I'm a bit lost. How about you-"

"Do you have a first name?" the man droned.

Dr. McNinja sniffed indignantly. "Rude," he thought.

"Yes, but... Well, long story short, I can't tell you what it is," Dr. McNinja shrugged. "I don't know, most people can usually recognize me by my last name. McNinja is... pretty unique. You still haven't told me what your-"

"Hmph," the man droned. He then turned his back to Dr. McNinja, then spoke into a weird device.

"SCP-3045 Log, Number 203. Timestamp, 7:47 PM, May 20th, 2015, although, as I mentioned previously, spacetime appears to have different laws from Subject's original universe. This is Dr. Charles Oliver Gears. I meet yet another specimen hailing from SCP-3045-A, also known as the Fountain. SCP-3045-B..."

The man checked a notepad, reading along a list, and finally droned:

"SCP-3045-B-6012 calls itself 'Dr. McNinja.' Resembles a male human, mid-30's. Subject appears to be wearing a black suit and a lab coat, as well as a mask-like formation covering subject's entire head. In its own universe, SCP-3045-B-6012 claims, it is a doctor, presumably medical. Subject implies that it has not familiarized itself with SCP-3045. I will proceed accordingly."

The man turned around again. Dr. McNinja blinked rapidly and cleared his throat. His voice cracked a little as he spoke.

"Well," Dr. McNinja frankly mumbled, "I have no idea what you just said. Were you... Were you just now talking about me?"

"Just keeping a record of all of the subjects I find associated with SCP-3045. I assume you have questions for me."

"Mmhmm. You're Dr. Gears, I assume?"

"And correctly, might I add," droned Dr. Gears.

"And... also a doctor?"

"Yes, though not a medical one."

Dr. McNinja crossed his arms. "Doctor of what then?"

"I lead research for the SCP Foundation."

"SCP?" Dr. McNinja inquired, "Never heard of it."

"We try and keep it that way."

"Well, you did just tell me," Dr. McNinja frowned and shrugged his shoulders.

Dr. Gears had not moved at all during the whole conversation, nor did his voice change intonation at all. This terrified Dr. McNinja. Perhaps his name alluded to the fact that he was a robot or something. That would make sense. A robot doctor. Probably one of the less strange things he'd seen around.

"Indeed," Dr. Gears droned, "That would be because I am merely a character functioning as a plot device to introduce you to the mechanics of the Omniverse."

Dr. McNinja's eyes widened. "Did you just break the fourth wall?"

"Of course not."

"You totally did."

"That would be illogical."

"Oh, I get it. Are you like human Spock or something?"

Dr. Gears merely blinked at him blankly.

"Star Trek?" Dr. McNinja explained. "Spock? No? Seriously?"

"This is irrelevant to my task," Dr. Gears droned.

"Oh, now you're not even trying."

"If you would focus, Dr. McNinja."

"Whatever you say, Spock."

"I will now explain to you the function of Omnilium," droned Dr. Gears.

"Okay," Dr. McNinja nodded.

"The exact composition-"

"Boring!" Dr. McNinja announced, before walking away.

"I can teach you how to summon vehicles."

Dr. McNinja rotated on his heel and walked towards Dr. Gears.

"Aaaand not boring. Teach away, Charlie."

"Please... refrain from calling me Charlie."

"Did you know your initials spell 'cog?'"

"Doctor-"

"Just thought it was worth mentioning," Dr. McNinja paused, "Cog."

Dr. Gears, for the first time in his life, felt emotion. It was displeasure. This displeased Dr. Gears further. Little did he know, Dr. McNinja was perhaps one of the most important people he had met in the entire Omniverse.

[Dr. McNinja]

"I will remind you," Dr. Gears droned, "that you must focus for several minutes for your Summons to manifest. I assume you still have enough Omnilium?"

Dr. McNinja sighed. "Yeah. This is the last bit I have for a while."

"Very well. Let us begin again."

Dr. McNinja closed his eyes. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor of the Nexus. Other Primes and Secondaries were whizzing past the pair, but as the meditation amplified, Dr. McNinja was able to ignore them. He felt pure serenity. Wind seemed to caress the inside of his head. It was a disturbing image, but it felt quiet nice in reality. It was soothing - and it felt like a gentle hand was coaxing consciousness to rest without sleeping. He was awake, but he felt asleep. He was alive, but he did not live. He was, but at the same time, he did not.

Dr. McNinja was jolted from this paradox. He opened his eyes and felt reality rush into his head again. Suddenly, thoughts about his friends and family flooded his skull. The wind stopped blowing, and was stuffed again with the thoughts of everyday life. In a state of slight delirium, Dr. McNinja caught sight of Dr. Gears, who was nodding.

"Excellent," Dr. Gears droned, "You have succeeded in summoning... what appears to be two chainsaws attached by a chain."

Dr. McNinja jumped to his feet. He laughed, reveling in his triumph, and slapped his hands on the chainsaw handles.

"Chainsaw Nunchucks!" he exclaimed, "I think this is the first time in my life I was glad to see them. Though I never figured out how to use these..."

He weighed the chainsaws in his hands. They were... considerably heavier than he imagined. Still, if Mongo could do it, why couldn't he? Well, frankly, he wasn't a super-ninja, but hey, who knows?

Dr. McNinja gave it a test swing. He was pleasantly surprised by how easy it was to handle the chainsaws. With a few minutes of practice, he managed to swing them with great dexterity.

"Sweeeeet," he declared, "Alrighty, let's turn these babies on."

He tried to start them. He pulled on the string. He pulled on the string again. And again. And again. And again and again and again and again and again-

"GAH THESE ARE USELESS" he bellowed, tossing the chainsaws into the air to aptly display his frustration.

"Of course they won't work," Dr. Gears droned, "It was summoned using a limited source of Omnilium. You will need more in order to use these... chainsaw nunchucks as more permanent, functional weapons. You need more Omnilium. Incidentally, you have been harvesting the Omnilium inside me for quite a bit now."

Dr. McNinja blinked. "What."

"I just noticed myself. Judging by your reaction, it was clearly accidental. Though the situation is not... ideal-"

"No, wait!" Dr. McNinja interrupted, "Wouldn't that kill you?"

"Of course not," Dr. Gears droned, "Don't be ridiculous."

Dr. McNinja let out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

"I would simply stop existing in the Omniverse."

Dr. McNinja flailed his arms maniacally.

"I AM SO SORRY HOW DO I STOP THIS"

"Doctor-"

"CANCEL. ABORT. CEASE AND DESIST."

"If you could-"

"STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE!"

Dr. Gears threw a punch across Dr. McNinja's face. Dr. McNinja held the cheek in confusion.

"How did you hit me?" he mumbled, "I... I should have been able to dodge that."

"Precisely," Dr. Gears droned, "Your abilities have been stripped from you upon entrance to the Omniverse. You must regain them according to the rules of Omni. And the only way to accomplish this is through the accumulation of Omnilium. And therefore, this is only a logical conclusion to our relations."

"Alright, fine. But I have a question," Dr. McNinja shouted, "I know you're an emotionless asshat, but how can you be okay with this? This doesn't freak you out?"

"Of course it does," Dr. Gears droned, "It is only a natural human response."

"Then why do you look so calm?"

Dr. Gears smiled. "I've done this before."

"Done what?"

"Died."

Dr. McNinja hadn't noticed before, but Charles Oliver Gears was slowly crumbling into dust. Dr. McNinja looked at him, eyes wide. He felt so... useless. He was brought here to do something, Omni knew what that something was, but there was something. Now he felt unable to do anything at all.

"I understand that you may be emotionally upset. And as you evidently noticed, I am not a naturally empathic individual. So I will say this, and only this."

Last words. Even someone as mechanical as Dr. Gears had to be sentimental in their last moments.

"You're..." Dr. Gears paused. Dr. McNinja thought he saw him choking on his tears. Suddenly, Dr. Gears coughed.

"Apologies," Dr. Gears droned, "My liver appears to have disintegrated, and the subsequent dust temporarily interfered with my speaking abilities. As I was saying, your chainsaws also lack gasoline, which would additionally explain why they do not function."

Dr. McNinja scoffed. "Of course," he thought, "This is the only way Dr. Gears was going to die, anyway."

What McNinja did not notice was Dr. Gears' true last words.

"Goodb-"

Dr. Gears was gone.

Dr. McNinja sniffled and drooped onto the ground. Usually, when he watched someone die, he felt weak. This was not the case. He felt power pulse through his arms, and kaleidoscopic lights billowed, almost yawned over his sleeves. Omnilium.

"Gasoline," Dr. McNinja muttered.

He stood up. He would find gasoline, and make the Omniverse safer, whatever that meant. That was the least he could do for Charles. The least.

[Dr. McNinja]

(THREE DAYS AFTER THE EXTRACTION OF DR. GEARS)

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

Dr. McNinja’s forearms felt like they were severely burned. Legs were all but dead. His mask was uncomfortably moist; each breath drained his energy and will to live. Even though he had been trained since youth to never chance revealing his identity (on top of the fact that if anyone knew his name, he was a dead man), McNinja was sorely tempted to strip the damn thing off to take one breath that didn’t remind him that he was about to be killed by turtles that a fat plumber built a career out of crushing.

He couldn’t die like this. Not like this. After Dr. Gears gave up his existence so that Dr. McNinja could… Why did Dr. Gears sacrifice himself, anyhow? Did he even sacrifice himself?

Did he even want to die?

Maybe Dr. McNinja deserved to die.

Maybe he should just close his eyes and go to bed.

He’d get to see Grandpa again.

A pang. What was that? Regret? No. Hope. Dr. McNinja saw someone in the distance. A man. In a tuxedo, holding a towel of some sort like he was a butler.

“H-help…”

The man bent over mechanically, as if he was a statue that could hinge at the hip.

“Good evening, Doctor,” the man said. “My sincere apologies, but I’m afraid you’re quite beyond that now.”

Dr. McNinja looked up. The man’s face was a skull, with hollow eyes, no, candles for eyes. The fire did not give McNinja any warmth; if anything, it made him feel cold.

“Dr. McNinja,” the skull-man said, “Reservation for one. Your table is ready.”

McNinja remembered this happening. Once before…

He heard the words of Dr. Franklin in his head…

“Purgatory is… a restaurant with horrible service. The WORST.”

Dr. McNinja remembered where he had seen this man. He, too, had died before. The man was Death.

“Sir, if you would follow me.”

(ONE HOUR AFTER THE EXTRACTION OF DR. GEARS)

“YOU COULDN’T LEAVE ME ALONE FOR ONE DAY”

Dr. McNinja smashed the butt of his katana into another Apokalips Bill, veering it off-course and causing it to explode into another group of Apokalips Guys.

“I am not Mario!” Dr. McNinja roared, cutting open a nearby Apokalips Goomba, and clasping his hands on the shell of an Apokalips Troopa. “Nor am I Superman or whatever! I’m just a physician! Why are you attacking me?!”

“All hail Darkseid,” the Troopa replied.

Dr. McNinja pressed his blade against the turtle’s throat and slit it. “Tell Darkseid, whatever he’s selling, I’m not interested.”

There was a roaring in the distance, and the corrupted Bowser Baddies retreated. McNinja knelt on the gored ground to catch his breath, leaning on his katana. It was much less comfortable than the movies made it seem. His arms were quivering and barely able to hold onto the handle, and his palms felt that they were being pulled laterally from his hands.

McNinja looked up to find the source of the roar. Maybe he could just take out the head honcho and call it a day.

A decidedly not-cartoonish figure loomed over the retreating Bowser Baddies in the distance. It seemed almost 10 feet tall, but it bore a presence that made it seem larger. The figure was clearly used to being in power. It had its arms crossed behind its back, head held arrogantly high. Unfortunately, past the smoke of the Apokalips Bills and the darkness of the night, Dr. McNinja could not see any details. All he saw were its two, purple, glowing eyes.

Dr. McNinja, with some effort, clambered onto his feet. He swung his katana threateningly, but he wasn’t sure if he could do any more fighting.

The figure seemed to notice. Then he turned around. Clearly, he didn’t care.

McNinja mustered up whatever energy he could to stumble over to the figure in the distance. He managed to accelerate into a run, moving as quickly as he could.

An Apokalips Troopa lunged at him, but he managed to jump off of its back and fly into the air. He slashed up two of the Apokalips Bills that had just been fired, then jumped off the back of an Apokalips Bonza Bill. The consequent explosion blew Dr. McNinja forward. Thanks to the Law of Reversed Explosions (“If an individual causes an explosion, then turns his or her back to it in response to it, given that they are at a reasonable distance, may survive the explosion which would normally have seriously aimed or killed them. If said individual was in the air, the explosion will propel them in the direction they are facing, disregarding any other factors.”) Dr. McNinja was entirely unharmed as he blasted forward through the air.

A hand shot out of nowhere and caught McNinja by the head. The hand squeezed, causing McNinja to roar in pain.

“Who are you?” a deep voice boomed.

“I’m just a dude who wants to be left alone.”

The voice chuckled. “Do you know who I am?”

Dr. McNinja struggled to speak. So naturally, he had to give a funny quip.

“Judging by your ability to say more than three words?” Dr. McNinja choked, “Darkseid.”

Darkseid laughed again. He leaned his face in and Dr. McNinja, through the cracks in his unfairly strong fingers, could see that Darkseid’s entire body was made of what seemed to be igneous rock. He was wearing cobalt armor, and a large Greek Omega symbol was burned into the chestplate. The only part of Darkseid that didn’t look like it would break your fist if you punched it was his eyes. And even then, instead of breaking your fist, the eyes would probably melt them or something.

“Do you want to kill me?” Darkseid asked.

“I want you to leave me alone.”

“Unfortunately, nothing can escape from Darkseid,” he responded, “If you wish peace, you will have to kill me or, more realistically, be killed.”

Dr. McNinja struggled. He had a thought. He just realized the chainsaws were still slung around his back. He shuffled until the chainsaws slid down to about leg height.

“Frankly,” Dr. McNinja coughed, “I’d really rather not be k-erk-killed by someone who refers to them in the third person. That’d be kinda emb-ack-embarrassing.”

“Unfortunately, that is not an option for you,” Darkseid growled, “Your death will not be mourned. However, let it be known Darkseid grants formidable enemies with last words. Pray to your paltry gods.”

Dr. McNinja shuffled his legs until the chainsaws were slung around his ankles.

“Have you nothing to say?” Darkseid rumbled.

”All hail Darkseid, you son of a bitch!

Dr. McNinja kicked both his feet with all his might. The chainsaws flew at Darkseid’s face. The blades clashed against his nose, sticking a bit into his eyes. Darkseid roared in pain and released McNinja’s skull.

McNinja landed on his feet and grabbed hold of his katana. Darkseid was now roaring in fury.

“You think that would work on me again?” Darkseid bellowed, “The last time that happened, it took the most powerful forces of the entire universe. Who are you that you think you can do the same?”

“My name,” the doctor replied, [color=#808080][b]“is Dr. McNinja. And I am coming back for you, you overpowered Nazi.”

Dr. McNinja reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a stun bomb. He cast it in Darkseid’s face. Thanks to his good aim, it stuck itself into Darkseid’s forehead. That was gonna be one hell of a hangover when he woke up.

Darkseid roared, then seemed to fall dormant instead of stumbling. That… usually didn’t happen. That probably meant that Dr. McNinja should get out before Darkseid started showing some unusual symptoms.

He hightailed it, heading for the nearest portal. He thought he saw the words: “Tangled Green”. Whatever that meant, it was safer than the Nexus at the moment.

Dr. McNinja dove into the portal, with no idea what was on the other side.

[Dr. McNinja]

(ONE DAY AFTER THE EXTRACTION OF DR. GEARS)

Dr. McNinja slowly came to. He was pretty damn sure he had three legs or something. Maybe that was an arm. Honestly, he couldn’t be sure. There was a firm weight on the small of his back.

“Dammit, Gordito…” Dr. McNinja grumbled, “What did I say about waking me up?”

Dr. McNinja wondered why he was saying this. He soon realized it was because he had delivered a supine roundhouse kick at what appeared to be the remains of a rabbit on a tree trunk.

“Oh, I get it,” Dr. McNinja thought, “The rabbit’s splattered on the tree because I kicked it there.”

He walked over to the rabbit and stooped over to look at it closely. Blood, brains, guts everywhere. McNinja thought he saw a rib pointing out of somewhere. Prooooobably dead.

“Sorry, bunny,” Dr. McNinja winced.

He stood up straight and stretched his back. It took him a few minutes to realize he probably shouldn’t have woken up in a damn forest in the first place.

“Wait,” he thought, “I shouldn’t have woken up in a damn forest in the first place.”

Nice going, doc.

He whirled around and saw the swirling purple tide that had suspended itself vertically. A portal, McNinja assumed. A time port-

Then it all came to him. Omni. Flying turtles. Charles Gears. More flying turtles. Darkseid.

Darkseid.

Dr. McNinja was now fully awake. Coherence rebuilt itself. Well, clearly it didn’t, because that sentence just made no sense. Dr. McNinja hopped lightly onto a tree and listened out for any sounds of danger. He got… way too many. He heard crickets chirp, and not in the awkward silence way, because this place was very far from silent. Birds were tweeting all around him, crying out their glorified form of booty call like they always do. Monkeys, somewhere? Shimmering noises, too, although in McNinja’s experience, that was probably going to be noteworthy in some way. A thousand rivers must have been flowing through the ground, like veins. With a great deal of effort, (the least Omni could do was let McNinja keep his super-senses!) Dr. McNinja managed to isolate the noises he was looking for.

Grunts. Groans. Snarls. Clinks. (?) Grunts.

“Oh good, I think I landed in a Tolkien book,” Dr. McNinja muttered.

He had heard what sounded like a whole troop of grunty-snorty thingies. They were speaking a language, clearly, because the noises they made to each other sounded like call-and-response. Maybe even a work song? That would explain the clinking he heard, those might be chains and shackles. Slaves?

“You wish,” the voice in his head chuckled.

“Yeah, no, those are weapons,” Dr. McNinja admitted.

He hopped silently, attempting to move closer to the noise. Several times, he wasn’t sure if he was going the right direction, because his hearing wasn’t exact anymore, (“Dammit, Omni,” he cursed) but eventually he landed on a branch overlooking the troop he was thinking of.

“I swear to God, we’re only missing a Frodo,” Dr. McNinja scowled.

In front of him was a legion of at least 20 orcs or goblins. He never understood the difference. Point is, there were a lot of generic fantasy baddies. They were, for the most part, shaded like an avocado that was left in the sun for one too many years. Their ears were clearly meant to be pointy, but they were shriveled and grimy, much like, well, an avocado that was left in the sun for one too many years. As a matter of fact, he saw a lot of similarities between these orcs and rotten avocados. That probably said something about their hygiene. Two of the orcs, sweating entire waterfalls, were dragging a small wooden cart. There was a wriggling potato sack. What a cliché kidnapped person. It was too cliché. McNinja almost wanted to punch out these orcs just for doing something so unoriginal.

Doc rubbed the handle of his katana. On the other hand, considering how much weaker he was in the Omniverse, he was not looking forward to another fight. He didn’t even have most of his weapons: just a katana and a flashbang he just figured out how to use. And that took hours of meditation. He needed to get the hang of this Omnilium thing soon, or this was going to cause a lot of problems.

He felt around in his pocket for the flashbang. He had just the one right now. This seemed like a good time to use it, if he were forced to fight. The formation of the troop was rather slipshod, as if they didn’t expect an ambush. That made McNinja’s job a lot easi-

“Meep!”

Clink. Shuffle grunt.

God, even their eyes were like rotten avocados. Now Doc was in the mood for guacamole-

Wait, how come he can see their eyes?

“Mon Dieu! * ” one of the orcs cried.

“Quel imbécile! ** ” another cried.

Dr. McNinja gulped. French-speaking orcs were the worst. They were all staring at him now. He looked to his right. There was a little blue bird-thing that he couldn’t really see because the damn thing flew away he was so screwed-

“Calm down, McNinja,” he thought, “Maybe they can’t see me.”

“Allonsy! *** ” an especially large orc yelled angrily.

“Omelette du fromage! **** ” they all roared at once.

Panicked, Doc could only reply, “I AM NOT AN EGG”

The orcs readied their weapons. Several of them had bows and arrows, but they didn’t even need them. The large orc, who must have been the leader, threw a titanic battleaxe at McNinja. He lightly jumped and dodged it, landing on another branch.

“Nice try,” Dr. McNinja chuckled, “But now you don’t have your weapon.”

The orc replied, "How can you be so sure, monsieur ***** ?"

He reached behind him, pulling another battleaxe out of his loincloth, and chucked that one too. Doc shifted his center of weight slightly to the left, and the 3-meter axe whizzed by within a hair of his face.

“Okay, you cannot have any more in there,” Doc muttered.

"On the contrary, monsieur ****** ..."

The orc’s grin became even wider. Suddenly, his arms started moving in a flash.

Axes.

Everywhere.

“AARAGGHLAGAAH”

*Oh my God!
**What an imbecile!
***Let's go!
****To battle! (lit. Cheese Omelette)
*****sir.
******sir.