Deadpool's c&c

[Deadpool]

Much like Gildarts's thread, this will be a thread dedicated to giving feedback to my fellow writers.

I'd like a few things known first:
While I will always try to be constructive in my criticism, I will not fluff over your flaws; if you cannot handle honest (simon-like) criticism, this may not be for you.


Ok, so most of my c&c will be based on storytelling qualities, like clarity in description, tone of narration, plot, and how authentic and layered the characters in it are.
Grammar and spelling will not be criticized too much, unless I feel as if I can give You valuable lessons on it.

As a last thing, I'd like to say that I am in no way a volume reader, so if you intend on having my break down your entire thread please be aware that it might take me a while.

As always, post the link(s)of the content you want constructive criticism for.


Anyway, have at it!

[Gildarts]

With much reluctance I post this SINGULAR POST to your thread. 6way fight was a cluster but I liked being the first one to post.

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid104148

Pls don't do my other post to this fight for REASONS. Will punch u.

[MADBULL34]

Since you were the one that suggested I explore the PTSD that makes Mad Bull the way he is, I'll dump this thread for your review. I tried something different here. Usually I write him in third person past tense, but since this is meant more as a window into his mind, you have a mix of first person past and present tense.

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8599

The big question for me is which direction to take his next (and probably last) post in the Astralverse. Some ideas I had were further stories from Vietnam, returning as a changed man unfit for normal society in 1970s NYC, going through the police academy, or some of his first days as a rookie cop.

It's funny putting all this work into this character. I can guarantee I've put more thought into him in two months than his creator did when drawing that abyssamal manga/OVA.

[Jak Mar]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid108460

Ok, This is something new for me but I'm throwing this thread in here, Torn's big break

[Katrielle Layton]

Hey, mind reviewing my entry post? http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8480

[Deadpool]

I'm gonna give each of you your own posts. That should reduce some confusion.

GILDARTS

The flash of garish metal streaked forward in the insidious form of an axe. It was the pugnacious female among them to strike first, she lunged, viciously propelling herself forward with the strength sourced from her calves as her marauder-themed attire dragged in the momentum behind her.

This is probably just a preference thing, but I think if you replaced the first underlined word with 'A the sentence would roll off the tongue slightly better. It makes it seem more sudden and unexpected when said out-loud in comparison to 'The'

With the second underlined part, I feel like just stopping the sentence there with a period would work better for the flow you're trying to accomplish. Again, just one of those things I personally feel sounds better out-loud than a comma.

The menacing fury flowing so forthright proved the consequence of when Gildarts had thrown bark against the umbral being’s weakness. Her. The elven sorcerer watched them chat, taking his time to strike the god-mind with an emerald flame as green as Tearen’s eyes; the tendrils of fire erupted into the tenebrous being when the skull-sized enchantment burst, driving the scalding globe into his chest until his ebony skin was meshed with the very fabric of his suit.

This sentence is a tongue-twister with the rapid succession of 'F' starting words. That's really my only issue with this paragraph. 

Sharp, immediate agony tore through Gildarts’ sculpted back, claws had scraped deeply along the entirety of Gildarts’ spine, hot crimson began to ooze into the soft floor of the forest, trickling as the geyser of blood soaked his back completely, resembling colored paint. The one to blame, a skull-adorned creature, How reminiscent.

I think some of the words here may either be misused or misplaced. When I imagine a geyser, I think of a harsh spray of liquid (sorta like how movies interpret juggler lacerations), which sort of counters the the thought of blood oozing and/or trickling. 

Another second, Gildarts had turned around to punish he who had dared stick their claws in him yet his eye caught a glimmering bolt of ember shooting at him from the side. Every movement felt so fluid, cause and effect tumbled with the slow roll of the ball of fire that sizzled millimeters from the now charred stubble on the left side of his chin. The bitter scent leaked in his nose while in riposte to this attack, magic welled in the palm of his steel hand, forming a great scythe of argent magic, expanding into a grid of netting and spraying tetrangular slices across Sage’s torso and sleeve.

I think replacing the underlined section with whoever had dared to may be better here. Cleans it up some, plus it helps shorten word count, which is good for fights. Lets you save some more words for narration =D

The mage’s movements were refined, calculated, amidst the chaotic blaze. The battles with everything on the line and enemies in every line of sight, were the ones where he truly thrived. Blood and magic surged his veins until he was brimming with pure energy. The swarm of battle surged on, tides and throes mixing together like the perfect ingredients for utter devastation, all he had to do was ring the bell.

I think blood might be an unnecessary word here; just having the word magic gets the point across pretty well (you can also turn 'his' into 'in his' or 'through his'. Also, right in sentence after the underlined one is the use of 'surge' again. I usually wouldn't mention that, but considering that either use of 'surged' can be replaced here with something else, I think it's worth noting.

Tearen’s form glided like a ghost gaunt with death, he used his kneeling target’s delay to charge his beam which erupted from his clutches and drove straight through Gildarts’ lower abdomen. The laser-heat allowed the mage’s flesh to be instantaneously cauterized but the quarter-sized hole missing from the side of his stomach caused his teeth to puncture his lip, drawing more pain than blood.

In the first sentence, the first comma there can probably be replaced with a period. They're independent clauses, so all is safe to just remove that comma and stuff a period there.





Overall, you're a great writer (as you already know). If there's one main area you could possibly improve in, it would be trying to write in an overall manner that's more welcoming for lower and moderate level readers and writers. This would mostly have to do with simplifying your sentences some, and possibly using less words that the general public has to google XD

A good example of this would be Tearen. The guy is a great writer--on par with you and many other here (including myself)--who still manages to write posts that are easily understandable to the ordinary Joe, which only has a HS reading level, if that.

[Deadpool]

MADBULL34

It's funny putting all this work into this character. I can guarantee I've put more thought into him in two months than his creator did when drawing that abyssamal manga/OVA.

That's the point of places like Omniverse!! You're able to take characters, well-known or not, and dive into/create parts of their history/personality that were never really expanded upon in the source material. Which is both a challenging and funny thing to navigate.
Anyway, to your post!

I duck down low into the jungle roots and can smell the churned up soil, the charred BBQ scent of Morgan, and the shit emptying into the big injun’s pants. I can see my chest panting, heaving, and I barely register Damo dropping to the ground with two fresh holes in his back.

This is the only paragraph that I think just churns something inside of me. It's probably a preference thing--I'm almost certain it's a preference thing--but I would have written it more like this:
As I duck down into the jungle roots, all the odors of war hit me at once--churned up soil, the charred BBQ scent of Morgan, shit emptying into the big injun's pants. I'm panting so heavily that I barely register Damo dropping to the ground with two fresh holes in his back.




Just about everything else with this post I love. You either watch as many war-themed movies as I do, or you just have a knack for this sort of writing.
To be blunt, I normally don't like reading 1st-person present-tense writing, but it worked here; it worked because it really established that chaotic tone of war. Things were happening out of nowhere--coming from left and right--and that is a really good thing in this type of theme.
Also, I like how you brought the woman full circle there at the end. It even intensifies the meaning of all's fair in love and war.
And what I enjoy about your writing in general is that you're able to do really coherent, detailed narration but with simple words that majority of average Joe's can understand.

I'm not gonna mention anything grammar related, because you are an editor, and I'm sure when you're writing for fun you probably don't wanna be reminded of work XD

[Gildarts]

Thanks for your help and honesty <3

[Jack Darby]

Earlier in the day, Repliku had made his way through Dalaran to the hidden library that they possessed. Upon reading some of the tomes of dark magic, and some on how other Primes used Omnilium, Repliku was still as clueless as he had been before when Lord Dominator had created that bubble she had used to bring him up here. As he had not found any of the information there to be of any real use, Repliku had made his way out of the library and towards the very edge of Dalaran. It was time for a trial by fire, he had thought at that moment. This was why Repliku had jumped off of the island and imagined a pair of bat wings coming out of his back. Knowing that he'd need to get back to the Nexus, and then find somewhere else that he could train himself, Repliku had sighed in irritation. Was it that hard to learn how to use Omnilium truly? Once he had landed safely on the ground, he made his way out of Camelot and back to the Nexus.

Want some critique on this, as it's going to be a part of a post I'm going to write for the Nexus.

[Deadpool]

JAK MAR

I'll be breaking your c&c down by the post, since there are multiple ones.

POST 1

Whitewashed walls of concrete surrounded the long eared Commander as he gave a grunt of annoyance. Sitting in a cell with a aquamarine like glow was not a fun thing. But Erol was luckily stupid enough not to care what prison the blue tattooed like commander was thrown into, he had no specifications.


Oh well, the old Krimzon guard Commander would regret it later.
The daylight coming through barely came as the stormtroopers came by in groups of two  in groups with a blaster.

It took some time for Torn to think of the old habitable patterns of the Krimzon guard back home. He remembered they liked to move in pairs of two and how he even sent out the weirder Freedom guard back home in groups of diamond shape.

If he could predict movement patterns, he could possibly make a break for

He was a major standout, he had to do something about that.

But none of the other prisoners around Empire prison #321 knew the way out, right?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
During “breaktime”, there was a outdoor wall around the usual break area and the usual breaks were stopped by a blaster shot to the head.

Torn had picked up a few unlikely allies during his “time”. Him and his buddies were silently eying the guard’s movements and notice how the other prisoners tried to climb the wall but failed.

Drakin bent over and whispered into the tattooed warrior’s long ears “So i heard ya’ are planning a big one, are ya?”

Torn frowned ‘Shh, not here.”

Drakin nodded and nodded his pal “Sure, Tattoo.”

Krack turned and nodded, silently turning to Torn, with silent ways of pointing to his foot saying he had a map of the place before he came here. He would give it to the long eared man in exchange for getting them out.

Ok, for the most part I can get the idea of what's going on in this post: you're imprisoned, and you're trying to decipher the two guards' patrol route, so you can pick the best time to escape.

I think where some of the confusion comes in is how your structured the sentences, and how each paragraph transitions to the next. For this, I will be giving you an example of how I would have written it, so you can get an idea of how much clearer you can get your point(s) across without totally changing what you want to do.
Below, is how I wrote out the scene (done in italics):


Torn grunted in annoyance as he surveyed the whitewashed, concrete walls surrounding him. Sitting in a cell that glowed aquamarine was not fun, especially for his eyes. But luckily that bastard, Erol, was too stupid to care what prison the commander was thrown into. He had no specifications. Oh well, the old Krimson Guard commander would regret it later.

Daylight arrived, but barely came through into the cell. Yet it was enough for Torn to see stormtroopers occasionally walk by in groups of two, carrying blasters. It took some time for Torn to think of the old, habitual formation patterns that the Krimson Guard used back home. They moved in pairs, as well. The commander preferred diamond-shaped formations for his Freedom Guard.

If he could predict their route pattern, perhaps he could find an opening, and make a break for an escape. But he knew that he'd be a major standout . . . he had to do something about that. Did none of the other prisoners know of a way out?

---------------------------------

During "break time", all of the prisoners were usually allowed outside. Tall walls surrounded the yard, and it wasn't uncommon for the sound of a blaster shot to interrupt the activity, hitting someone in the head who was trying to climb over.

Torn had picked up a few allies during his stint in prison.  They all stood together, eyeing the guards' movements and tendencies.

Darkin leaned over and whispered into the commander's ears, "So I heard you're planning a big one, are ya?"

Torn frowned. "Ssh, not here."

"Sure, Tattoo," Darkin replied, and then nodded to the third person among them.

Knack nodded back. He looked to Torn before glancing at his own foot, and gesturing that he had a map.

Torn guessed he wanted to make a deal. His map for a part in the commander's escape plan.



I tried to stay as accurate as possible to the wording you used in the post. Also, I tried not to overwhelm you with a punch of punctuation marks. What I did do here, however, is try to reassemble your sentences, and even combine some of them. As you can see, this simple trick really made the narrative much easier to follow--you get idea of who's who, and what the plot is.




POST 2

Krack, a shorter eared elf, who was a bit more bigger boned than Torn himself, and Drakin who was skinner and was more a human who looked like a man who used to run in the olympics, had a tattoo underneath his arm.

Torn himself, had neatly formed brown dreadlocks in rows held by different beads of sorts, along with tattoos of the Krimzon guard back in his world on his face and visibly on his ears. He was glad to have a few guys on his side in the Omniverse but he was always cautious of new faces no matter the cost.

He did run a rebellion at one time. He knew to take people at face value and observe their strengths and weaknesses that could be used to help the cause. But since being in the Omniverse, it was a mess of problems following each other between Erol turning into a asshole, he trying to fight out of a empire prison with a few “friends” and finding Jak after all the mess.

The dreadlocked man eyed his two friends “Have you heard of a guy named Jak?”

Krack eyed Torn and blinked “There’s somethin’ on tv about Dante’s Abyss, I think he’s still in it.”

Drakin groaned “You mean that fighting tournament they hype up every year?”

Krack nods “Yeah that.”

Torn frowned “So wait, he’s there again? And he’s actually surviving this time?”

Drakin nodded “It says here he’s one of the final fights. If we can get out of here, take us to meet him.”

Torn gritted his teeth “Get us out first, then we’ll talk about it.”

Drakin grinned and nudged Torn “Why is this Jak guy important to ya?”

Torn frowned knowing this was coming “He’s a old friend of mine.”

Krack said “He doesn’t want to be bothered, let it go, Drakin.”

“Fine, Fine. I’m not going to step on anyone’s toes, got it.”

Knack was a short elf, but bigger boned than Torn himself. Drakin, who had a tattoo under his arm, was the skinner of the two, and appeared more human. He looked like he used to be an Olympic runner.

Torn himself, had  brown, neatly formed dreadlocks, which were encased by beads of different sorts. Blue tattoos of the Crimson Guard were on his face and ears.

He was glad to have a few guys on his side in the Omniverse, but knew to be cautious of new faces no matter what. He had run a rebellion at one time, and knew not to take others on face value, but rather observe their strengths and weaknesses to decide if they could help the cause. But so far in the Omniverse he hadn't had the time to do that. After the mess with Erol becoming an asshole, he was forced to trust these 'friends' as a way to escape the Empire's prison, and hopefully meet with Jak afterwards.

Jak . . .

Torn eyed his two comrades. "Have you guys heard of the name Jak before?"

Knack blinked. "There's something on TV about Dante's Abyss," he replied. "I think he's still in it."

"You mean that fighting tournament?" Drakin asked, groaning.

Knack nodded. "Yeah, that."

"So he's there again, and actually surviving this time?" Torn asked.

Drakin grinned, and nudged the commander. "Why's this Jak guy so important to ya?"

Torn frowned, knowing the question would eventually come. "He's an old friend of mine."

"It said he was in one of the final fights," Knack answered. "If we make it out of here, you take us to meet him?"

"Let's get out first, then we'll talk about it."


Basically same thing as the first post. Also, I changed some of the dialogue here at the end--shortened it, and rearranged a little of who said what. I think it made the interaction less confusion.




Overall, in both posts, I understood what was going on. The only issues I had were with deciphering the details of things.