NEO HYPER BOOK CLUB #4 (9TH July - 30TH JULY)

[Daniel]

Welcome to the Omniverse Book Club! Here, we put up a new completed topic every fortnight to read and review. By participating you'll earn a bonus 250 OM (subject to change) and you'll be able to suggest a topic of your own for the next fortnight. Aside from the helpful feedback, subjects of the book club will receive a Great or Exemplary bonus for their storyline if they qualify. :omni:

RULES

OOC Rules of Conduct apply.

We encourage helpful, well-considered feedback with both positive and negative comments. Try to remember that not everyone is confident about their writing, and negative feedback can be highly discouraging.

Review Writing Guidelines

Reviews must be a minimum of 150 words and should include your opinion on whether the participating member(s) deserve a bonus or not, and if yes, then 'Great' or 'Exemplary', according to the Bonus Rewards Guidelines. Please don't consider this an arbitrary number to fill; this just filters out those reviews that were clearly made with no effort.

Topics may include writing from multiple members. Please try to give everyone included a decent review and individual grade.

Try to go into detail about what you liked and didn't like about an RP. Try to keep it objective and positive: it's absolutely not okay to just tear down someone else's work without saying anything good about it. The more detail the better, and the more effort you put into your reviews the more likely we are to choose one of your topics to review, as thanks for your help to other members.

Please do not skim. If we suspect people are skimming topics, we may have to be more stringent on requirements, which makes it harder on staff to enforce, and more difficult for you to write your review. If we suspect particular members are skimming, we may bar them from future participation in the book club. This is free OM, so it's in everyone's best interest to keep it that way.

As far as grading goes, please be non-partisan. If you think your friend's topic truly merits Exemplary, awesome. But if we notice people constantly doing this and we consistently disagree with the gradings, we'll weigh your opinion far less than those who tend to give accurate gradings consistent with the Bonus Rewards Guidelines.

REWARDS

Book Club rewards will be awarded at the end of each fortnight, although it might take a while to get updated. Until you see a post in this topic saying "It was updated", it's safe to say you weren't missed or forgotten; we just haven't gotten around to it yet. No need to remind us. 

We will give the reward to the account you posted on, unless you request otherwise.

Those trying to become judges should note that Book Club reviews do count towards your total.

Book Club threads will run for two weeks. They will end on Sunday at 17:59pm AEST (Australian Eastern Standard Time), which is 7:59am GMT (Greenwich Mean Time) Sunday Morning. The next Book Club thread should be up by 6pm AEST (8am GMT)

Submissions

If you are submitting a thread for the Book Club review/grading please use this form after your review of the current thread. You're welcome, and encouraged to submit any completed topics or multi-topic storylines of your own that have yet to be graded and exceed 4000 words.

Code:

[url=http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=0]Link to topic - name[/url]
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera), please make sure this is per character, not as a whole:
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera) please make sure this is per character, not as a whole:
Quest or Personal Storyline?
Participating characters (please list):

And finally ....

THIS FORTNIGHT'S STORY

This week we have a relatively new thread from one of our former staff members Kelsie (also known as Guu). This is just one part of Isabelle's journey through the omniverse! TALE OF A PUP: MK8D FZERO CIRCUIT Enjoy the read

Isabellle - 8,548 words, 46,245 characters (with spaces)

[The Vision]

Alright, I want to start off by saying I enjoyed the read. I really did. The following review may end up making me sound like I didn’t like it, but it was a lot of fun.

I’m going to start with the things to fix. There were a few typos, and I didn’t even really notice them the first time through. Sometimes you switch tenses, but it’s not for any longer than a sentence. Things like “Rovin rose (raised) a brow” or “She (Her) authentic smile”. But mistakes are mistakes, whatever. The nitpicky thing that I see you keep doing is when you end a quotation:

“Mr. Wayward?” She asked under her breath.

You capitalized the “she” even though I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t be. But that’s so unimportant, so let’s move right along.

I also want to mention there were some places where the wording could have been tighter, but I don’t want to dwell on it because I’m not good at it either.

...from the sheer wave of emotions that plagued her.

You described a tsunami-like surge of emotions. Those don’t usually plague you, they overwhelm you. Also, plague implies that these emotions were bothering her for a while, but really they seem to have bothered her for about a minute as of that moment.

Being a solo story, this thread (I presume) was to highlight certain aspects of Isabelle’s character, at least your interpretation of her, as well as pave the road for character development. I’m not sure I see too much room for change, rather than possible further jading. However, this story really showcases what kind of dog (?) Isabelle is.

Let’s look at a bit where we see it:

She sighed and gave a little prayer of protection in this trying world. She’s just happy her new friend was at least good company.

Not that she could 100% fully trust him.

We can feel the innocence there, in the prayer for protection, and how she’s just happy she has a friend. There’s something dependent and childish about that, which lines up nicely with her dependence on the Mayor.

She’s also street-smart and refuses to trust the people in this city, a trait which was apparently pre-Omniverse, though I have no idea where she got those smarts from the village where the highest stress is not being able to afford that one sofa that could really add a nice touch to your house.

Through the whole story there are times when we see the naivety, like when she participates in the race for the sake of grabbing the Mayor’s attention, mixed with the self-awareness, like when she understood why the man giving the medal didn’t want her in the races anymore.

While the duality is interesting, I wish it was more clear-cut here and there. One thing I thought to myself was “Maybe she’s just that innocent doggo when the Mayor is involved?”. But when she prepares for this supposedly extremely dangerous race without really thinking twice or even being nervous, that screams childishness to me, though the Mayor is only slightly involved. Or when she meets Mr. Steady. She describes him in exclamations, in the way a child shows amazement.

He was huge! It was difficult to tell from him sitting, but he must of have been 8’0” at least! He was wide, too! He was almost triple Isabelle’s width!

I will say I don’t feel that strongly about this and I was already pretty intrigued by the duality in her personality. Even the story contains that duality, in the bathroom scene or when she considers prostitution. I don’t want to quote it because it already makes me super uncomfortable. But the childish Isabelle, who is such a kid-like character that we don’t want to see her doing anything that could taint her purity, needing to think about her privates (which makes US think about them) is a great way to really juxtapose her innocence with the world full of [M] topics. It’s also a great way of making the reader uncomfortable. Seriously, I squirmed the whole time reading those scenes.

Speaking of discomfort, let’s talk about the Mayor. I’m actually scared of the Mayor, to be honest. It doesn’t help that I’m used to seeing him as a psycho killer, but even then, since we feel so much more sympathy for our canine protagonist, it’s hard not to be wary of him. We’re all familiar with the “devoted lover gets hurt by the one they love because the one they love turns out to be an asshole” story. And this story has all the ingredients for it. The pleasant flashback where the protagonist gets all the right reasons to think “OMIGOD HE LOVES ME”. If we’re getting the happy flashback now, there’s no tension in their love story later!

Isabelle’s devotion to the Mayor is kind of a gold mine for drama because of that. At the same time, I wish you had given us more cues to tell us what we should think of that relationship. As it stands, it’s an unhealthy relationship but not so much that it’s cause for alarm, more that it’s just uncomfortable to watch. I kind of hope he turns out to be a psycho, or he’s just as devoted to Isabelle, because that would help retain that innocence in Isabelle. However, if I were you, I’d take it towards “the Mayor likes her a lot too but she is a little too clingy” because in that case, there is no right-or-wrong. It’s a really good way of showing the maturity Issy needs in her daily life, despite being this beacon of innocence.

...Alright, no more fancy talk. I wanna get down to what I really think, which was I LOVE THE CHARACTERS. They live in the slums of a city and thus need to live a rough, not-for-the-faint-of-heart lifestyles, like being prostitutes or needing to beat up an anthropomorphic puppy to death because she ruined your business. But those Pulp Fiction characters are realllllly wacky. I’m thinking of Heart Candy, who I understand is basically a sentient cloud. I’m thinking of the slime racer, who I imagined as a pile of Jell-O in a race-car seat, not even touching the steering wheel, just psychically moving it somehow. I’m thinking of Mr. Steady, who I literally saw as one of the faces on Mt. Rushmore growing a body and becoming a mob boss. These are pretty wonderful characters and they keep the reader’s imagination running.

I’d say you could have gone even further with it! Maybe stretch out the actual race, talk about some of the other racers and how fucking nuts they are. ONE OF THEM COULD LITERALLY BE A BUNDLE OF NUTS. I see a perfect opportunity here:

...displaying small clips of each racer.

SHOW US THE CLIPS I WANNA SEE ‘EM

The cars in first to fifth place all tried to attack each other at once, creating an immediate five car pile up in the middle of the road, creating an obstruction in the track. Some hit the pile up straight on, joining in the already large mess.

Talk about the racer’s reactions a little! Maybe a giraffe slams down on the steering wheel in frustration, and her neck gets cricked in the process. Maybe a two-headed sentient beer bottle spills some beer and the car starts smoking or something. You could have gone WAY crazier. But I appreciate the already-present craziness.

I like the glimpses of the Prime/Secondary existential crisis, all coming to a climax with Rovin basically leaving her in the street because of her reckless behavior. I wish he had said more! I wish he was even more brutal in his critique, really rub it in the doggo’s face. It would make the downfall of Isabelle even more heartbreaking. I’m not sure if that would have improved it, though, Rovin was already pretty brutal and maybe too much more would have turned it into a lecture.

Okay, wow. I was gonna make this short but I wrote over 1000 words. Sorry it’s so long. I don’t even remember half of what a lot of it says so take it with lots of salt. Again, loved the thread! Buuuuut since it doesn't fulfill the requirements of Great/Exemplary, I'm afraid I can't nominate it for anything.

Can we nominate threads that aren’t finished yet? If so...

[spoiler]Link to topic – Twinkle in Sweet Repose
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera), please make sure this is per character, not as a whole: The Vision, 67011+. Goku, 21820+.
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera) please make sure this is per character, not as a whole: The Vision, 11188+. Goku, 3999+.
Quest or Personal Storyline? Quest
Participating characters (please list): The Vision and Goku. Disregard Marcus’ post.[/spoiler]

[Daniel]

Just to address thread nominations

You can nominate threads that have been graded/ aren't finished yet. That being said, I will - eventually - compile them in a kind of 'backlog' list, just in case we have nothing to put in the Book Club.

When I talked with Omni about getting Book Club started back up, we both decided that we wanted to use it as a way for people to get some feedback, to have topics that needed grading get a grading, and to give people some kind of incentive to get into the swing of actually providing feedback. So I will be focusing on finished and ungraded threads before I bring in any of the not finished or already graded threads.

[Alex]

Let’s be honest, I think it’s been a while since I’ve read anything you wrote.  At least a year, I think.  I remember the Pirate Man stuff in the Nexus following Heroes’ Graveyard, and I can’t say that I read any of your stuff as Frisk.  All the characters seem to fit into your comfortable trope of ‘awkward, goofy miscreant’ (at least that’s the perspective of someone not intimately familiar).

Anyway, let’s get to Isabella/Izzy.

This was a fun thread for a few reasons.  One, you don’t always get to see the cutesier characters traipsing around in Coruscant.  Unfortunately, Isabella finds out why by the end of the thread.  Two, I – for some reason – enjoy violent racing.  I think it speaks to my strange love for the Fast and the Furious films and Twisted Metal.

As I mention in my notes below, the main issue I had with the narrative was the pacing.  It was front-loaded, with a lot about Izzy in Coruscant, talking with people, in the garage, and there was only a solid post dedicated to the race itself.  I felt hyped up, and while the race post was one of the highlights for the thread, it left me wanting more.  The beatdown that Izzy experienced at the end was sudden, and while it can be justified as #Coruscant, I feel like there should have been just a little more there.  Flesh it out, make it a little more dramatic.  It felt like something that would linger in Izzy’s mind for a while.

So, story-wise, this is a nice little thread.  You do a good job threading in some unique characters (the Heart stands out), even if I could do without you strange habit of always referencing bodily functions (#DA2k15 #PTSD).

So aside from wanting a little more to the scenes near the end, the only gripe I have is that your grammar is still something that needs work.  While you have lowered the intensity with which you flipflop tenses, it’s still something you clearly grapple with.  Vision has pointed out some other areas to ‘keep an eye on’ as well, because it does detract a little from the writing.  

Also, I know I mention this below, but it must be some societal condition that makes me feel like there’s some tragedy to Izzy’s story.  I didn’t check any other threads that might hint at something, but I feel like there’s a twist waiting to… twist.

I wouldn’t nominate this thread for any extra bonuses.

Stream of Consciousness Musings/Ramblings/Thoughts

[spoiler]
Post 1
-“When Isabelle rematerialized, she was standing in the middle of a dirty neon lit street, droves of people, in outfits that ranged from street leathers to thin cloth that barely left anything to the imagination, crossed paths with the confused dog.” => I’d make this at least two separate sentences, with the needed break coming after ‘neon lit street.’  As it stands, it’s one funky run-on.

-‘at the Hoover’ => Is this an Animal Crossing location or the actual Hoover Dam?  If the latter, it seems weird and random.  There were probably clearer metaphors to be crafted here.

-This is Tier 4, right?  Sounds like Tier 4!

-“ He was looking straight at her for a moment, then he turned away, made his way up the rest of the stoop and went inside.” – I think you need a comma after stoop.  Even if it’s not required to be grammatically correct, it still helps me, because of the slight pause it generates

-While I think you sometimes include random things (like the Hoover Dam?), you also do very amusing/quaint things like having a recall app on Isabelle’s phone.  It’s stuff like that which I often associate with your writing, regardless of your character.

-This small post triggered my DA PTSD.

Post 2

-“ The door swung open before she could even rap on the door after scaling the steps.” – I personally think you’re trying to jam too much into a sentence in this instance.

-“Scooby sketch” => see my remarks on the Hoover Dam, although this one didn’t bother me too much since Isabelle is a dog.

-Who is Rovin? *checks roster* Ahh, okay.  

- “I have to admit, you impress me.” He began with a smile. <= ‘impress me,’ he began … (because both the talking and the stuff after are the same action).  

-Aww, cute, a foundation for lost secondaries.  That seems like a very Guu thing.

-Did Isabelle come from some dystopian Animal Crossing world?!

- Not that she could 100% fully trust him. (kind of redundant)

Post 3

-That dream sequence was adorable in a way that made me imagine the second part will end terribly.  Maybe I’m just grim dark (also – if she pinched herself and it was a dream, why didn’t she wake up?!?!! DREAMCEPTION)

-“She had fallen asleep on a ratty rundown couch located in what was one of the buildings owned by the Wayward foundation, at least that’s what her new companion told her, she still wasn’t sure if she could fully trust him.” – but I thought she just said she could 100% fully trust him?

Post 4

-“ It was after a stunt on twitter why she posted an embarrassing photo that she would get her inspiration.” – this sentence threw me off.  Was it supposed to be “stint on twitter where she posted an…” ?

-Again, Isabelle seems to have such a warm-natured goal of finding the mayor, but something makes me feel like there’s some horrifying reality underneath the saccharine exterior.

-“She hadn’t considered that. She wasn’t the most social person in the world, having fans walk up to her, inflicting their expectations on her, she wasn’t sure if she could handle that. And that’s not considering the real perverts. She already got really dirty tweets just a few minutes ago, the concept of encountering that in real life; shivers to the bone.” --- Some grammatical flubs in here, but it’s nice to see her trying to rationalize her plans

-As an aside, though, this kind of feels like Guu’s early stories, where she was a celebrity on Twitter and starting shit with people like Gilgamesh.  I don’t know how I feel about this.

-Ambrosia reference, lol

-KART RACING, as an aficionado of OV kart racing, I smiled

Post 5

-“ Isabelle stepped her way into the office, her knees shaky, her posture curved forward, she can’t imagine it had been a good first impression.” – you have a habit of starting posts with run-on sentences trying to cram a lot of small stuff.  Relax and write it out.  Your audience doesn’t mind.

-Your description of the man at the desk was well-done.

-Eww, an anthropomorphic strip club XD ! Nasty ass Coruscant

-Oooh, intrigue

Post 6

-You should capitalize Flock of Seagulls.  It’s a proper noun.

-“ She could see birds nesting in the rafters, dirt collecting on the walls.” – ‘rafters and dirt’ – a comma just makes it a run-on sentence.

-lol, garage 42, I get it

-“followed in suit” => “, and Rovin followed suit.” – followed in suit just sounds weird

-“She became worried that maybe the brake lines.” – maybe the break lines what?

-I like Isabelle’s attitude: ‘fuck it, I’mma be a mechanic now, you jag offs’

Post 7

-…you like toilet moments, don’t you?  Seems like a theme with your characters, lol

-…pee sound.  Yea, that’s uncomfortable, all right.

-rofl, she’s gas.  Very unique.  I dig it

Post 8

-Nineteen degrees?

Post 9

-Racetime!

-Smart of Isabelle to know that there’d be some goofiness at the start of the race.

Post 10

-I think I would have liked a bit more dedicated to the race.  I liked that you gave some insight into Isabelle’s strategy, but it felt a bit sad that it was over in one post.

-I wasn’t expecting her to give up.  She must be close friends with Heart Candy by now!

Post 11

-Why did they ban her?  For winning?  That bit confused me.

-Wow, that exchange came a little bit out of the blue to me.  I wanted more.  It seemed a bit intense that they would just jump her, but you DID allude to that earlier in the post with her apprehensions.  Plus, this is Tier 4, after all.

-Of course she survived a bullet, she’s a prime and he was a fat, loser secondary.  Primes rool.

[/spoiler]

[Cell]

Straight into it.

The Good: you have a great understanding of Izzy as a character. You know what she thinks and you know how to direct her, and that shows in your writing. I can easily see how and what she's thinking and feeling with no ambiguity. I also love that Izzy is a very different style of character than I am a) used to reading and b) used to writing, as most of the Omniverse is about power fantasy, but she is not. As you said yourself,

However, she couldn’t help be nervous about the idea that out of all the primes in the Omniverse, she was the first one to require said help. Did that mean there were far more powerful primes out there? She didn’t quite like the thought of super powered beings, just eager to exert their dominance over her.

I really like that, it's a different take and a lot more interesting. It definitely snagged me. 

You also had a clear picture of what you wanted to do and where you wanted to go. The idea of the Wayward Foundation is really cool too and I am interested to see how the rest of its story pans out.

Also this:

“M-Mr Mayor!” She cried out in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting you so early!”

“Yes, I won’t be very long.” He began. As he got closer, she began to notice bags under his eyes. “I was just up all night catching beetles on the island.”

That gave me a laugh, having played Animal Crossing. That was a nice reference to those of us who've actually done that!

I also think you nailed this part. I like how we see how Izzy realises how silly her idea sounds, but she sticks with the truth and doesn't buckle under judgement. That is really good characterisation:

“I don’t care about money, I’m… doing this for love.”

Mr. Steady showed the first sign of a reaction the entire time since she had entered the room, he furrowed his naked brow ever so slightly.

“There’s this man I’ve long been separated from. I’m hoping if i’m famous he’ll be able to find me.” Her explanation behind her motives sound sillier under the weight of Mr. Steady’s sheer presence.

“So let me get this straight,” he began, he lurched forward to inspect her closer, “you’re risking your life entirely so a guy will notice you?”

She nodded quietly, feeling an odd blend of nervousness, terror, confusion, and depression all at once.

The Constructive Criticism: so you have those points up top working for you, but there is a bit you can improve on. 

Probably the thing that took me out of it the most was your almost stream-of-consciousness writing. You seem really keen to move on quickly with the story, while focusing on parts that could do with if not less attention, then at least shared with other parts of the story. We spend a lot of time in Izzy's head, but her actions and the actions of those around her don't get much time at all. They're mentioned, but not really expanded on or explained in adequate detail, and it makes me wonder what the rush is. The writing would be much more beguiling if these were expanded. For instance, there was quite a build-up to the race, but it was over rather quickly. There were also a few loose ends left untied (which may be done later) but that helped the feeling of it being rushed.

There's also a few parts of the story where I scratched my head wondering what happened. The crash was very convenient, and explained rather than detailed (the whole 'show don't tell' trope of advice) what happened. There was barely any conflict in the race; the times where there was an issue, she breezed through it rather easily, or at least that's how it felt. 

I also didn't understand this bit at all:

A man in a business suit and a clean haircut placed a medal around her neck.

“Congratulations on your victory Miss Belle.”

”Thank you!”

“Now I ask you to never compete in F Zero ever again.”

“That’s fair.” She said, looking at her feet.

... what? Why can't she compete again? She didn't cause the crash, did she? Even if she did, isn't that half of why F-Zero races are so popular? And why does Izzy agree with him?

You should also try proofreading your work. There are numerous places where either the grammar is wrong (missing/incorrect punctuation), the tense changes suddenly (below you've gone from past tense to present tense and back to past tense in three sentences):

“Try some of the tea if you like,” he said as he reached over, grabbing a chocolate chip cookie from the tray in front of him, “or the cookies, it’s all good.”

He shoves the cookie into his mouth and takes a big fearless bite out of it. Proves that the cookies were okay at least, not that she could eat chocolate anyways. She picked up her teacup and inspected it.

and sometimes sentences or thoughts are just cut off, like you were distracted while you were writing: 

Some wire was loose. She became worried that maybe the brake lines.

Most of those issues would be apparent and easily fixed if you ran your eyes over before posting, so I doubt you would have much trouble fixing it up. You just need to take it a bit slower.

I don't nominate this thread for a bonus.

[Freeza]

BOOK CLUB

FEATURING THE ADVENTURES OF SUPER PUP!
^_^

To start off! I can tell your passion and inspiration for writing as isabelle is still as high as it was when we talked about her before you switched. I think you made the right choice and isabelle seems SUPER fun to write as. Also the cuteness factor, but we won't even delve into that.

As for writing wise I like the enthusiasm, and how actiony it immediately gets. You don't hesitate to leap into the story.

The door swung open before she could even rap on the door after scaling the steps.

This sentence seemed a little repetitive to me but only since door was in there twice! Instead of door you could say something about the hinges or just go with the curt, concise "it" for the second use of the word. It's a matter of phrasing and preference so I don't mean to sound nit picky <3

Lol scooby sketch. That reference was perfect cause izzy is a pup herself!

He shoves the cookie into his mouth and takes a big fearless bite out of it. Proves that the cookies were okay at least, not that she could eat chocolate anyways.

I like the extra affirmation of the little fact that since she's a pup she can't have chocolate. Just makes the "world" you write more immersive for me.

“I have to admit, you impress me.” He began with a smile. “When you took off before I finished, and when I realized where you were headed, I almost had given up hope. Imagine my surprised when you not only survived the steppes, but also popped up in Coruscant. I really had to rush over here. Luckily you weren’t far from one of our locations.”

You've always had a good talent for dialogue and how it can paint a tone and picture AND character. This one little excerpt really transformed the limits of the story for me.

“You never checked the pond for fish I’m guessing.” He said jovially, almost like he was bragging. Issy simply tilted her head in confusion.

This part as well. Subtle but helps the reader imagine the character.

Off topic: The thread of poisoned tea reminded me of DBS and stuff >.<

As soon as it flipped to 6:00 her face lit up. She pulled off the receiver from the intercom device and, with a smile pulling across her face, spoke with confidence.

Like I said it's the little things that make a big difference in stories and descriptions. I already feel like I have a good idea of who izzy is and how her outlook is on the world.

THE MAYOR ?! DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.... plot hype.

I love how positive Isabelle is and feel like I can relate on some personal level to her.

OMG Isabelle's freak out with the mayor! It amused me... and I also related again *shy face*

With a new vigor, she turned to her work, now glowing with a new inspiration. She was going to finish the paperwork for that new coffee house in record time so she can for once have the afternoon off. It was no time for dreaming, the golden beauty that is reality was just one mountain of paperwork ahead of her.

I cannot get over how cute isabelle is.

I liked how you explained Isabelle's goal it was both subtle and made sense in the weave of the story.

"What? That would have messed up my hair something fierce!”

Excellent comedic element.

"So let me get this straight,” he began, he lurched forward to inspect her closer, “you’re risking your life entirely so a guy will notice you?”

TOO REAL. So far this story has been exceptionally entertaining and I also feel like such a girl when reading it which is good for an outlet of expression.

“I only seen the champs get famous around here, and no way a rookie like her is going to take the gold. Even with a full deck of cards, she’d have better luck at getting famous by shaking her naked ass on the dataverse, and the sooner she realizes that’s where the real money is it, the better.”

My inner under*dog* is rallying.

This is the town all poets go bankrupt.”

REALLY like this line. It reminds me of something I can't quite bring to mind.

I love how isabelle doesn't take the lazy way out and works on the car. It is a quirk that lets her true personality shine through!

BREAKFAST OF SUSHI!?!?!!!!??!!?!??!?!!!!!!

Epiphany= isabelle and I are sisters irl (I am kidding but I love isabelle so far, she's wonderful)

Race time ! I like how you cut to the chase and didn't prolong the race ! I also like that you narrated the other drivers as such unique "forms" gelatinous cube specifically, it keeps things interesting! And kind of does a shout out to animorphs and such.

As for the race I would like to suggest that you add more fighty action with the dodging of moves or a little more narration on maneuvering, I enjoyed the race and I felt like you didn't drag it out at all...... (drag as in drag race... I'll show myself out lol.)

Overall I like how isabelle is still noble though she is dedicated to her cause too. The added element of secondaries vs. Primes was another extra detail that helped weave the story back to the OV's prejudices.

If they knew she was a prime were they trying to kill her to teach her a lesson?

The animal abuse was a little unsettling at the end and a very sad note to end on. But I liked how your hopeful ooc narration brought back the idea to the reader that it wasn't the end.

Great bone-us.

:hee:

[Daniel]

Extending this for another week. I want more people to get involved and it is a rather short read. Will close on the 30th

[PepsiYuuka]

I’m gonna point things out as I come to them reading from start to finish, then do a small meta-analysis at the end. So don’t get discouraged if I bring up the flaws first- they’re just easier to spot. Hopefully none of these are repeats of things in other responses.

When Isabelle rematerialized, she was standing in the middle of a dirty neon lit street, droves of people, in outfits that ranged from street leathers to thin cloth that barely left anything to the imagination, crossed paths with the confused dog.

First impressions- the grammar on this is… strange. It’s a run on, and should likely be broken into two sentences after “street.” You could also nix the last comma, but it’s also fine to keep it. That’s totally optional!

the painful memories started to flood in like a wall bursting at the Hoover.

It took me a while to understand this metaphor being about the Hoover Dam and not the type of vacuum cleaner, but I’m not sure if that’s just me? Maybe it is. I just haven’t heard it before.

There are a couple random commas that don’t need to be there- but they’re not too distracting.

on the wall straight across was a painting of a boy and dog playing in a field.

Man, that must be weird for someone that lives in a world where animals are anthropomorphic and normal citizens, huh?

Your paragraphs are a bit short- that’s a stylistic thing, and I can appreciate it! However, I will say you don’t absolutely have to break them up so much.

I like the idea of secondaries looking out for each other- that’s actually pretty clever.

Aw, I love her interactions with the mayor… You really do write the two of them like they’d be cute together. It makes me look forward to the potential of them ending up finding each other, or what have you! However, I will say that this post feels a little out of place thus far, which is fair. I would have liked more explanation of how she calmed down.

“Well, I have gone like 100 mph on my scooter in a race before. And I’m guessing the tracks in F Zero actually elevated to the turns while ours rarely ever did so maybe it’s just easier.”

“Wait, you went 100 mph on a scooter?”

“Then again not sure what kind of weapons F Zero races have. Might be hard to dodge fire on a normal track.”

“You were racing 100 mph on a scooter while weapons were being fired at you?!? Did you at least wear a helmet?”

“What? That would have messed up my hair something fierce!”

God, I love the concept of Isabelle going 100 miles an hour on a scooter without a helmet. She’s hardcore. And I love the dialogue here! It really builds character.

It was difficult to tell from him sitting, but he must of have been 8’0” at least!

While I’m not going to comment on every little unimportant grammar slip, since this is a very easy one to make, I’ll mention it in passing. It’s properly “must have been,” though in colloquial speech its usually slurred as “musta,” so it’s a very common mistake.

she felt like an insect in a world of boots.

I love this metaphor, though!

Gonna agree with: Furry strip club... I see... (It's not bad, it's totally believable, just... I see.)

The dialogue at the end of the post about her joining the race could probably do better with some clarification. I’m not sure at all who’s speaking at any given point, and I'm really not totally sure what the relation between these two characters is. Probably doesn’t help that I’m wholly unfamiliar with F-Zero, but…

Isabelle sure is something, isn’t she? Wanting to fix that car herself. I have to give her something for her optimism, though!

Weird place to leave those twitter logs. I would have left them after you actually mentioned the twitter war. It’s a cool idea, though.

Nineteen degrees…

I feel as though it may have been more fun if the race were a bit more tense. She is a prime, though, so I can understand why she’d have a fairly easy time winning against secondaries.

Speaking on a meta level here. I feel like we should have gotten to know Heart Candy a little better before you had Isabelle give her the first place. Like, she seems nice enough, and we had the one post dedicated to her, but we never really got to see the little details of their friendship developing that would warrant Isabelle to give her a win.

Gonna go ditto on not understanding why she was kicked out of F-Zero? Unless it’s because she intentionally lost? I think it needs to be a bit more clear, because from what I can tell, she did very well, and should have been encouraged due to her good play. Or if it was because of her plan? How would they learn about that in the middle of the race, but not beforehand?

“What you did, was disgusting.” He said sternly. “What you did is why I hate primes. Us secondaries can’t come back, you can’t gamble our lives over a stupid game like that.”

I don’t really understand how Rovin learned of the plan here? Was it ever revealed that Isabelle was behind inciting the flame wars? Or- actually, what is this about? Also, a bit hypocritical when it was stated earlier the secondaries involved are doing this for fun as well… Unless that was a lie? And why wouldn’t he bring this up earlier if it’s how he feels about the racing?

I also know we were supposed to hate Mr. Steady, but… I’m not sure what she did wrong here? Actually I’m not even sure what he wanted to happen in the first place. Shouldn’t he be wanting her winnings, or something? Did he just want her to die? Is he mad at her for ceding first place- if he is, why did he give her a junk car? I can tell he was TRYING to fix the race gambling-wise, but I’m just not sure how. I’m just really confused, to be honest.

Overall, it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Lots of ups and downs! I love your sense of humor in the sections that are meant to be a bit funny, too. I really do hope Isabelle succeeds in her journey. There’s still a ways for you to go in the grammar section, and I can see where some extra detail would have really helped it. That's not to say it's bad, though- I really did have fun reading it.

At the end of the day, I wouldn’t nominate it for any awards, but it’s definitely a great part of something bigger in Isabelle’s story!

[Soldier 75]

(Sorry for being short and I apologize for any typos or mistakes, I currently only have access to my phone, and we all know mobile is not the easiest to use.)

To start with: I throughly enjoyed this thread. With that out of the way, let me start with the positive.

I loved the descriptions in this sentence, and in the rest of the thread. Visualizing many of the scenes was a piece of cake. I myself often struggle with describing scenes, so I can really appreciate the beauty of this:

When Isabelle rematerialized, she was standing in the middle of a dirty neon lit street, droves of people, in outfits that ranged from street leathers to thin cloth that barely left anything to the imagination, crossed paths with the confused dog.

Additionally, early on I came to sympathize greatly with Isabelle's situation. You did an exemplary job purveying her emotions and her innocent personality. Her reasoning behind joining the F-Zero race was easily believable. The personality's of the other main characters were quite well fleshed-out as well.

On to the negatives. I can see how this came to occur, seeing as all of this was written within the span of half of a month, but there were plenty of spelling, grammar, and even a few tense changes. I noticed several sentences at the beginning that I think might be run-ons.

In review: this was a very fun thread to read, with a great story, but the spelling and grammar mistakes are too many.

I do not nominate this thread for any bonuses.

[Daniel]

just as a reminder this ends in 6 hours. If anyone still wants to get in on this, yo have that amount of time to do so.

[Isabelle]

Thanks for all the input, you guys did put quite a few things into perspective!

[Daniel]

OM will be distributed within the next 48 hours

[Daniel]

OM for this has been given out.

[Revan Noctis]

Coruscant, the home of the Empire. This verse is I believe one of the more popular choices for new primes.
I mean it is a big place heavily militarised whether you like the empire or hate them the place has something for everyone.

This story is a weird one written by someone who I guess is known for the more cutesy type of things, surprisingly though the story references some very dark things before were introduced to some guy and an organisation that helps secondaries. Along the way Isabelle in her cutesy way gets invited to a date with a mayor to the docks.

Seems this story shifts to the Coruscant underlevels and focuses a on racing which I personally don’t have much interest in but Guu seems to be a very very very strange writer going as far as to having her character use the bathroom and freakishly having a conversation with a bunch of gas while doing so, I won’t even mention the Japanese meal.

The characters were interesting, Isabelle seems to have been in the wrong verse, I enjoyed the story though and hope Isabelle can learn to fight, and be more careful.