Let's Read Book Club # 6

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Do not post in the Weeklies thread until the Book Club has concluded and been closed.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 50 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Club’s Options:

• The Price of Freedom
  Bunnies are adorable. Read this or suffer the consequences. You all have been warned.
  
• Fear No Evil
  A tale of a man his long walk and the loss of his oh so awesome armaments. Poor Doomy. At least he still has some ammo for those other not as awesomish guns.
  
• Giant Country
  Deep in an Icy Abyss a lone Undead challenges Giants that like boulders. What first starts out much like a game of Donkey Kong, ends in thunderous close quarters combat.

That’s all happy reading~

[Atelos]

First Book Club post so don't judge!

The Price of Freedom:

As a person who played his share of Pokemon, I found your take of the experience inside the Pokeball and the box very interesting. The setting you put inside the poke ball, the dreamlike state is very descriptive and brings me in to sympathize with the Lopunny. I found your underdog nature in the beginning battle with Gengar very appropriate, considering that she had been in the Pokeball for a month, and how it continued her confusion into the future meeting with Omni, revealing that she has no self-worth and really developed the character. I especially enjoyed the part where Gengar unexpectedly reappears and shows his Ghost-type nature, I really hope he continues to be a theme in your posts because I found the conflict very interesting and your writing just made me want Punny to just wail on Gengar.

I really enjoy reading your work because it made me sympathize with Punny and root for her as I would any other protagonist. The only criticism I would have is that at the very end when Medicham comes and saves her he tells her to wait two days you just right that she waited two days. I would have enjoyed something saying how what she was thinking and how she reacted to the last part because I genuinely want to know. I really look forward to read Pokemon Philosophy when I get the time.

Fear No Evil:

Knowing how most people on this site, me included, write in third person I was really curious when I noticed it was first person. But I think you pulled it off rather well, I laughed a little more to some of the jokes because I felt it had a little more personality and flair. The struggle DoomGuy has with his weapons…ugh I had to reread that several times and each time it made me laugh by the time I saw the last word…assclown. Just it was perfect, I'm sorry it just made me laugh and I was not expecting it.

I feel you utilize the first person to really get the feel of the character but I feel like his anger towards Omni is a little exaggerated. Maybe if you wrote how he missed home or he missed the green valleys or anything. I like the goal, I like the diction but maybe I would like if you wrote a bit more development of why he desperately wants to get home: He just fought off hell saving all of humanity and he misses his family or something.(I never played Doom so I wouldn't know)

Giant's Country:

Your diction is really good, this is the first time I have read any of your writing and I was thrust into his environment. Personally I have a really hard time creating an environment around my character's but I really felt like I knew where Chosen was. I liked how he enjoyed the large amounts of peace since he was thrust into the violence he was chosen to do. The sarcasm was enjoyable to read. I like how you say more descriptive sentences that a person could: instead of saying that the giant hit him and he flew, you add sensory and specific details that the undead knew that giant would crush your ribs so he raised his shield. I feel like you balanced how the Undead isn't an underdog constantly being beat down and how he isn't some sort of God roflstomping the giants. The conflict was suspenseful yet appropriate. Your writing feels realistic and its descriptions really add depth to the work.

[Isabelle]

Usual disclaimer about not being very good at this. Practice makes perfect I guess.

The Price of Freedom

Hmmm, doing a full review of this would be self-serving… or self-deprecating considering how I view my work. So maybe I’ll just say a few things.
Lopunny has been turning out to be a really fun character to play. I hope I get better at writing her (same goes with writing for Guu.) I hope I pulled off her more angsty moments without coming off too forced. The first post was really incredibly difficult to write. The composition was over the course of two days and I still don’t think I did it right. I guess it’s the whole social thing bringing me down because the second post went off quite well considering.
But still, I think it serves well enough for an introduction; timid, down on herself, pokemon in an unforgiving world. I’d say that was clear at least.

Fear No Evil

And Doomy makes his move!
First of all, I don’t see 1st person writing in the Omniverse very much. Not sure why, maybe everyone is following the trends, or maybe it’s a hassle to do when playing with others who are 3rd person. Still, going this route with doomy was a good idea considering his origin. I’m curious to see where you go with this story telling method!
Though, I’d advise to have more character moments. One of the benefits of writing in 1st person is you can have the character comment on the situation; give remarks that a 3rd person narrator couldn’t make. Go nuts with it, say a catchphrase when he blasts the Icon of Sin to smithereens, and put emphasis on these moments; make sure they aren’t buried in a paragraph and give them their own line. The part when Doomy flips the demon off is a good example of this. It’s kind of lost in the text, when I’m pretty sure someone telling his or her own life would punctuate this moment as much as possible. And don’t feel bad if it’s over the top, because there is very little subtle about Doom guy to begin with, and we have fun because of it.
The ending of Doom 2 is a fairly good place for Doom Guy to jump off of. Has a bit of finality to it. At least he wasn’t snatched before saving the world. That would have been heart breaking for poor Doomy.
The music is a nice touch, and I like that you’re taking the effort to add that nice bit of character. Glad you’re keeping up with that too!
Not much more I could think of to say, look forward to your future work!

Giant Country

A bit of a dense read; the kind that gives me troubles. Again, most likely my fault and not anyone else’s so I’ll try my best.
You do a really good job in setting the atmosphere. I could really visualize the snowy landscapes you were trying to detail, the dangers it possesses, and the overall loneliness you are trying to convey. Of course, it probably helps that my house is freezing at the moment, but you still deserve the credit for sparking the imagination. Also good use of montage; get a good sense how long this journey has been.
I like the suddenness of the boulders falling, kind of reminded me of the trope “Rocks fall, everyone dies.” Also like the urgency and uncertainty of the origin of the rocks. I thought it was a rockslide at first.
I had a lot of troubles following the fight, again, my fault, not yours. However, it seemed well choreographed. You put a lot of thought in your writing, and that’s certainly admirable.
While, this is not really a read for me, I could see that you’re really talented at this writing thing. Keep up the good work!

[Doomguy]

These posts are based on my own opinion, and such are subject to different standards. Take with salt.

The Price of Freedom
I will be the first to admit that I am a sucker for sympathetic characters, so I like Lopunny off the bat. But far too often a sympathetic character either ends up being a useless moe blob or just pitiful, and what I like if how you writing style is that you can make a likable character, but I want to stick with them to see what happens. It definitely helped that you brought in these two NPCs that Lopunny can work off of. I do also like your small snippets about the pokemon world, although that's more because of how little we know about it from the games.

I want to say you could afford to be a bit more descriptive, but your pace does work so being overly flowery would probably bog it down. perhaps instead adding a bit more about the setting could help, both as a way of setting up the scene but also that what descriptors you use for scenery can also be used to set up the character.

Fear no Evil
The Best. Amazing! Number one awesome of awesome! :V

On a more serious not, I really wanted to make a sort of a abridged introduction to Doomguy. His badassness, his anger, his love for his weapons and shooting them at demons. The way he speaks and thinks. In a sense I think I succeed, but chopped a lot of the complicated parts of him off to make an introduction. Certainly more posts will reveal more of his character and his motivations.

Giant Country
And then the boulders started to fall. There's something about the suddenness of that line that really makes it work, right after the scene you set with the setting.It definitely has the same feel as Dark Souls, where it could be beautiful at time but was always too dangerous to appreciate it. Your combat was well thought out and keep my interested. but it was slightly off putting, and I think it's because you occasionally mix the action and exposition in the same sentence. Like "action, action, exposition, action." Keep the sentences with the same style, or at least the two different styles at different ends, and you'll be fine

[Caira Ayryn]

Book Club #6

Topic 1: The Price of Freedom
Action! At the beginning of the bookclub topic I wasn't sure what to expect, but now, I am marveling! I feel as though the style kept the action going with the description perfectly. And the depiction of pokemon is entirely unique, and gives us-the reader- insight on how Lopunny feels. Also the change of scenery was flawless on how Omni suddenly appears. I feel as though I am watching a movie trailer! Later the dubiousness Lopunny has, without overwhelming the reader with description, I could accurately feel how Lopunny felt, by her let-down words of disappointment (toward beginning of post). I also would like to mention I think your writing style is great because there isn't a lot of (sorry about this pun) "fluff" that strings readers along so that they might get bored. You are fluffy and "fluff" free. You get to the point, and it is action filled, "bouncing" and making it fun, you make the reader wait to see what happens next- but to the point where they anticipate it and long for answers and action as to what Lopunny will do next. I found myself genuinely interested and concerned for Lopunny's character.

I felt a great twist when I felt Omni was alluded to as your new trainer, and this kind of struck me with "aren't we all just pokemon in the end?" Also when Lopunny yelled "there's no use, I'm useless." I understood the dismay, and it didn't need it to be explained to me- as to what this was referring to- something i personally feel I am bad at.

The perspective of the post was great, I liked the ending, it really felt like a completed, "full circle" story. The mystique surrounding the Medicham and the action against the villainous Gengar surrounded and concluded the post perfectly. I really mean it. And suddenly, the character's lineage is revealed! Both the reader could be shocked along with Lopunny, because I wasn't expecting that. I look forward to reading more about Lopunny and am content after my movie trailer experience.

Oh! One more thing! So as per the name, I recently just did my Intro post and compared the previous before me, I was like, "these all really fit the character and immediate feel." (oh I think I'm aloud to use 1st person in this post, too late).
Looking back on Lopunny, actually paying the price for her freedom and gaining truth, I like that it fits from the beginning of the post where you were trapped, to the end, where you stood up for yourself and kicked Gengar butt. I was cheering on Lopunny through thick and thin, and with an immediate relationship established with Lopunny and the reader, I felt as though it wasn't forced and just flowed.

Topic 2: Fear No Evil

First thought, before learning his name I learned where he came from, the front lines. Before I continue, I'll make a note that I've read a few combat oriented books, mostly the classics (well, I call them classics but they weren't written by Mr. Twain) but they are older books, and are usually written by combat vets. I felt the same descriptive and adaptation here- obviously with DG's own spin, but it wasn't a "forced" character, as sometimes RP characters may seem.

The description you allowed your character to express gives the reader insight on his personality, without you having to say anything about it. I liked the interlude, If I might call it that, of where "nexus" was linked in with quotes. I immediately got it and having read up so much the last few days about the nexus, it clarified and made it easier to understand with 1 word. Then his reaction, I understood the disorientation when he searched for his lost weaponry. Then I could see where an actual soldier taking inventory in a survival situation would play in this scenario. And I smiled when you referred to Omni as the person whom had abducted you, that was perfect.

Vocabulary: when in the second part of your post, you referred to the lack of action as "monotonous" I felt as though that is what it would be referred to by a military prioritized person, and when "marched" was used in the similar location of the post, i enjoyed the inside joke- the adjective just sort of matched and clicked.

As DG continues his journey to the VD and his adventures grow more vivid, I feel like I can see where the character is coming from, and his aggression emphasizes it. As though the world is a battleground for him, he is ruthlessly waiting for his chance. I like the perspective and I like how unique of a character he is and the way you portray him.

Topic 3: Giant Country

The introduction was vividly descriptive, it painted a picture from words directly to my imagination. The well paced description gave information when needed, wasn't rushed and was tranquil, so I was shocked when the real action began with a bit of a "cliff-hanger."

The plot hangs off of Chosen Undead's analysis of the situation, and at one point where the boulders fell- but not quick enough that he couldn't get a thought in to the reader, to help assess the situation. I really liked that, hang on I'll quote it. This part here, "through the trees, if it was an attacker and not a landslide. Then, a second rock crashed into the ground, just behind the Chosen, and this time the impact did knock him down, falling forward as he grunted in shock. Yet, he couldn't afford to stay still..." well i liked his part so much I guess I quoted a big chunk of it, but as the paragraph continued the same style kept me on my toes. I like the sense of action conveyed in an independent way, and I liked that I could read on wondering with the character and not have to feel forced or motivated to.

At the point where more was revealed about them, I felt it was at a good harmony in the post, a bit of ebb and flow of action and description left me, the reader, desiring what type of giants i was to picture- and then three! I savored the shock of the unexpected details, which I might add is quite skillful, with the anticipation of description you added a new variable. It was good.

I like that there isn't too much repetition, you say it straight, skillfully, and then go about with the action of the post and the relayed reaction with your character. The personification of battle to dancing was quite enjoyable, and offered insight to Chosen Undead's familiar relationship with battle.

So CU injured one giant- and that was when I realized the SIZE of the implied impossible feat, one man, against Three Giants. As if one wasn't hard enough to slay!

During the fight sequence, this was sized up with "one metal covered undead" I quite like that and felt it, "on Que." Also I feel as though the description of each move matches the ebb and flow of the battle sequence. Notably describing 3 similar enemies all in the same battle sequence can be difficult, but in this case I didn't feel a strain to identify them each singularly- which kind of unites the reader with Undead. And also the specification touched on was delicate, and let the reader know which one was which with their distinctive injuries and the one weapon which was different offered a superior v inferior balance with the enemies. (In other words variation).

I think the fight sequence is inventive, and I like that parts of it get the reader cheering for Undead's victory. A bit of a David and Goliath, With the Giants but In this sequence there is no doubt chosen knows how do deal with a few giants! I also notably like the occasional "exclamation point !" As I feel it is neglected and definitely mixes up sentences and makes them more dynamic!
See what I did there? Anyway, I think you make good use of it, and it plays into the fight strategically and conveys the excitement within a sentence. I don't hesitate when I read nor do I question their existence ahem they seem to subtly amp up the fight.

A note on vocabulary. Your descriptions were matched with the finesse of fighting and I felt I was reading a thoroughly thought out post, one with meaning and it definitely gave me more than a few things to think about. The beginning similarly, gave the reader a great aspect as to how and where undead had happened upon the icy terrain in which he found himself fighting for his life. I also think that giving ample time to the reader to think about the giant they picture a worthy adversary, was an important, unsaid necessity.

At the last paragraph I was ready for the beasts to be vanquished, and I was grateful when perspective of the feat was brought into text. A mentioned slain dragon makes the reader crave more action and adventure and makes the reader wonder . Not only as to how those beasts were vanquished, but on Chosen as well.

Who am I seeing battle the impossible? Whereas another questionable aspect may come into play, why does this make him feel alive?

Not that you textually said this, but it kind of was left there when so many quests had been made- of this sort, what does Chosen get out of the thrills of adventure, etc.

Okay. The last part where chosen deliberated following the surviving giant was spot on and executed perfectly. The nonchalance of the delivery made me smile, because I felt like through his action and choice, I now knew the character well. Not to mention it was just a cool way to finish a somewhat extensive post. It left the feat he had just accomplished -2/3 giants (and no doubt the 3rd would have been slain too, had he stuck around) with a bit of elegance. But at the end, chosen would live to fight another day, and other adventures like this would occur, this one had a great finale that was undoubtedly and for lack of a better fitting word, "cool."

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just a note: please do not post your participation here in the Weeklies until the Book Club is closed. This prevents rewards from being given out twice and keeps things orderly. Thank you. If you've already posted up for this Book Club, do not post in the the Weeklies thread again when this Book Club closes.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just posting and saying this will be open for a few more days since I posted it so late.

[Dark Link]

The Price of Freedom - A nice introduction post. I really liked the depiction of how the life of a Pokémon is like in their original universe, something that is rarely covered outside of humorous web comics. I also liked how Lopunny's circumstances had logical consequences on her self-esteem and her performance when suddenly thrust into a dangerous and/or unknown situation.

The one thing that I think could have been improved upon was the last two day waiting segment. Now, I understand if the author didn't want to waste too much time with that, but (IC-wise) two days is a rather long time in an almost featureless void such as the Nexus. As such, I think this part could have been better utilised, perhaps to explore some more of Lopunny's self-reflection and inner thoughts. For example, she could have wondered how to even tell how much time has passed in a place where it's difficult to determine that, why did she have to wait two days and whether or not she should even follow the Medicham's instructions in the first place. It also could have been used to depict how Lopunny is coping with having to act on her own agency rather than her trainer's.

Other than that, it was an enjoyable read and I'm interested what the author has in store for us in the future.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

This is now closed. If you haven't posted in the Weeklies for the bonus gains for this Book Club please do so.

[Ganondorf]

The Price of Freedom

I really liked the dark take on Pokeballs you had. The Trainer feeling attached to her, but leaving her in the ball... and how you delved into Punny's feelings of inadaquacy. Fantastic!

I'm not sure if you were actually going for Lopunny "thinking she's dreaming about her failures". It might be something lost on me, but it seemed like an awkward way to put it.

Most people seem to have their characters taken during a "down time" for their character, and I appreciate the different way you went about it with Punny. Right at her most vulnerable, and most exciting portion of her old world life, she got janked by Omni. Nicely done. And the fact she thought she had died was great too.

And then the surprise of the Gengar coming back to finish the job. No down time for ol' LP, eh? Got her dreams forcefully ripped from her head too. Nasty stuff.

Still stumbling across a few grammar errors. Nothing AWFUL, but enough to trip me up in the read.

I didn't go to the interim thread between the Nexus visits, but it was definitely nice to see Lopunny in a better frame of mind. You can only root for the girl with low self-esteem for so long before you start to wonder if she'll ever get some confidence.

Lopunny killed a guy. That was a surprise. Even if it was a pretty evil Gengar that seemed intent on hurting folks forever. I like how you handled her emotional response to it. Most people would have had their character go for a "rational" response. And while Punny TRIED to rationalize it, she was still deeply hurt by doing what she had to do.

I don't have much to say about your last post. It kept on with the good notes from the others, and improved on many things, but it definitely read as a "transition" post.

[Vulre Oakenlimb]

Retro Reviews

The Price of Freedom
Quite well done. Combat was very well done, and Lopunny was portrayed as far more than a normal type pokemon. The description of PokeBalls and her relationship with her trainer were masterfully done. The advantage of originating from a universe that seems to provide a very large amount of primes and secondaries are evident, allowing her to easily find a mentor, and someone to point her in the right direction. The only nitpick I have is the lack of detailed sensory information, and some bland language. For instance, "Dashing forward, she sent a really fast punch into Gengar’s chest, so fast that is sends electricity through his body." could be replaced with "Dashing forward, her fist crackling with arcs of electricity, her fist collides with Gengar's chest, wracking his body with lightning". It's more or less my own personal preference. All in all, it was a pleasure to read.

Giant Country
The fighting in this was done spectacularly. The Chosen Undead is obviously a warrior with experience to spare, which makes his thoughts during this battle a pleasure to read. Rather than the natural instinct most primes seem to have, the Chosen Undead make his moves based on deliberation and thought. Also of interest was the fact that he enjoyed the wonderful view from the mountain, and was refreshingly angst-free. If most people were an endlessly reincarnating undead, they probably would spend most of their time moping, whereas the Chosen is still able to enjoy existence, which is quite impressive.

Fear No Evil
A little short, but it does set the scene very well. Doomguy, cut off from his well-deserved vacation, stripped of his beloved weaponry (Which seems to have been his only non-hostile companionship in literal hell), and tossed into the Omniverse. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be angered in such a situation. His choice of 'verse is reflective of his inner desires: To get away from hell and enjoy a goddamn vacation. A noble goal, to be sure. His side jokes are amusing, such as his comment on how the gate to the Vastly Deeps is surprisingly not a portal to hell. The question of his sanity is still being hotly debated, I'm sure. Overall, I quite enjoyed the read.