Let's Read: Book Club Vols #2, 4, 5, 7, 8

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 50 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Week's Topic Options:

• Clawing into Existence
  The bloody introduction of a new Soul into the Omniverse that earned him an Empire’s Bounty listing. See why the few soldiers that escaped with their lives questioned the sanity of this Prime just after his arrival.
  
• Gouki’s First Coming
  The arrival of the Street Fighter Gouki and subsequent battle with the Namekian Retane. Even though both members are no longer actively posting. This marked the first player versus player battle between two members that resulted in a Death. I won’t give away spoilers in case you don’t know the results already.
  And since I really enjoyed this topic have another option:
  
• Return to Coruscant
  Samus returns to Coruscant after the incident with the dragon Rathalos. After upgrading her suit she pursues the ebil (just kidding) robit Vitruvius to claim the Bounty on his parts. It turns out that she didn’t quite see eye to eye with the reported information however . . . exciting stuff happens. Again not saying more in case you haven’t read it.

That’s all happy reading~

[Ganondorf]

Clawing into Existence

You did an excellent job detailing the feel of Omni's Introduction, from the darkness around you, to the feeling of helplessness. Even the description of Omni was fantastic.

You seemed to use "dark" a lot, which I can't really blame you for as there's only so many synonyms for "darkness" you can use.

It looks like you have a fondness for ellipses. Which I also have a fondness for. However, from a writing perspective, you may want to limit them to times when you want to suspend the reader in the moment.

You have a knack for detail, as I said before. I can really visualize what it is that your character is doing or feeling at any point in this writing.

Your fight with the Stormtroopers was incredibly well done. From keeping them at a relatively decent power (Secondaries aren't pushovers by any means)... well, I don't know how many more times I can tell you that you really drew me into your writing. I'm having trouble finding things to really critique.

One thing you might consider, and honestly it didn't detract from my enjoyment of reading this at all, is that you might want to break these up into smaller posts, just to give someone reading a good stopping point to wrap their head around what they just absorbed.

All in all, you did a fantastic job. Keep it up, hombre!

[Proto Man]

I've read most of Return to Coruscant, so I'll get to that next/last. For now, here's my input on Artorias and Gouki-Ret.

(Artorias) I thought the first post was very well written, but I’ll admit, I had a hard time figuring out what was going on until the storm troopers arrived. Before then, I couldn’t quite tell what was reality or otherwise. Once the troopers came in, everything gained a degree of clarity (for me, the reader).

I found the fight itself to be pretty fascinating. Artorias is one of the first characters I’ve read in a while who seems to lack any sort of human identity. He felt more like the embodiment of some negative emotions rather than a person (which I think was probably your goal). As such, I really enjoyed his interpretations of what he was experiencing and why, along with his responses as the fight went back and forth.

I couldn’t tell how many troopers were there, but it seemed like more than a few. As a result, his standing against them, even as long as he did, seemed a bit far-fetched, but then you regained me a little when he had to retreat in the end. If I had more time, I’d read onto the next thread, but I imagine it’s probably just as interesting (so it’ll go on my list).
Very interesting character, to say the least.

Also, I give you points for not only creating an entrance thread by yourself but also for making it more than just a boring one-and-done (like we had in a previous wave of joinees)

As for Gouki-Retane, everyone can find my opinion about them here - <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1220">viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1220</a><!-- l -->

[Dark Link]

Clawing Into Existence - This thread was short, but definitely sweet. Simply put, I really enjoyed it. Artorias absolutely nailed his description of the sense of anger and confusion his character felt as he appeared in the Omniverse. While there was definitely some mixing of what was actually going on and what the character merely imagined was happening, I personally thought that it was entirely appropriate and matched the knight's state of mind. Also, making the fountain's shape something relevant to the character was a really nice touch.

Another thing I have to praise was the fight. Given that Artorias is this armoured giant and that Stormtroopers tend to be the butt of everyone's jokes, it would have been very easy to depict the knight just effortlessly smashing them around as though he were Godzilla. However, the writer didn't do that; while Artorias certainly ripped some of them apart, the Stormtroopers put up a decent fight and their blasters did a decent amount of damage instead of merely bouncing off. I really appreciated that. Not just because I think Stormtroopers are stronger than people give them credit for (at least in the source material, they are the reason the Empire was able to rule the known galaxy), but because it gave Artorias a sense of mortality and vulnerability that made him easier to relate to.

Now, there were some things that could have been done better. I felt that certain phrases were a bit overused at the beginning: Don't get me wrong, I know from personal experience that there's only so many ways you can describe certain things, especially an empty featureless void. But it might have helped if the writer hadn't called attention to that particular aspect of the scene so much. Also, I think the fight could have been written with a bit more clarity. I don't know about other readers, but I was sometimes confused if one of the Stormtroopers was getting hurt or if Artorias was.

Overall, though, this was a great read. If Artorias keeps this up, he is certain to get far.

Gouki's First Coming - I don't have much to say regarding this thread, but here are the general impressions I had of it.

Gouki did a great job with his descriptions. Some might say he might have even gone a bit overboard with them, but I thought they were quite well done and really helped paint the picture of the various scenes inside the reader's head. Gouki's writing is definitely quite developed and well-polished. However, I do feel that the character himself came off as a bit "too badass", as at no point did it really feel that he was at any real disadvantage. Sure, Gouki is a master martial artist and some of Retane's attacks were depicted as harder to block, but otherwise, Gouki completely dominated the fight....a bit too much, considering he had just been weakened by his arrival within the Omniverse. It almost made the character seem like a caricature and it also made the respect he showed to Retane towards the end ring kind of hollow.

As for Retane...honestly, anything I can say doesn't really matter, since Retane himself is probably well aware of what he did and didn't do well. I've had the privilege of roleplaying with him in the past, so I know he is a very good writer. But while what he wrote in this thread wasn't bad (I especially liked the fervor with which Retane expressed himself), compared to his past works, it felt kind of simple and dry. Also, as Proto mentioned, the bit with the summoning felt kind of forced and without much meaning, especially with Retane asking Gouki to kill him right afterwards.

Overall, while the fight was good, it was also a bit too one-sided for my taste. Hopefully, future fights will be a bit more balanced.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

The Book Club is now closed for this week. As a note, the topic Return to Coruscant will be available as an option for next week. The next topic will be posted sometime in the afternoon tomorrow as I work in the morning on Sundays.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 50 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Week's Topic Options:

• Perhaps I made a Wrong Turn
  Things are heating up between two of the latest arrivals to the Multiverse. From inherently different source origins the banter between the two is interesting to say the least, while they both try to work through the confusion that entrance into the Omniverse always brings.
  
• Lex and A Soul Uneasy
  In order to understand some of the nuisances in the first couple posts of this topic, I think it is important to take a read of Lex’s history in his character profile – as it is simply well done. His intro is likewise quite fascinating with the internal conversation between himself and the first Spectre he contained.
  
  
• Twice Chosen
  The introduction of the Chosen Undead into the Omniverse. I happened to like how he unlike other Primes whom just appear with their weapons in toe took the time to summon both Sword and Shield before venturing off into the vast unknown. Considering his origins, yeah going without a weapon or a means of defensive would probably be akin to suicide.

Book Clubs will last for two weeks from now on.

That’s all happy reading~

[Proto Man]

I'll probably do the other two next week(end)

Chosen UNDEAD

I’ll start with the lame, grammar-related nitpicks. First thing is that I’d keep a bottle on ellipses. They’re nice to throw in every once in a while, but if you overdo it, they lose the flair. I think you’re pretty great when it comes to your language choice, but (to nitpick grammar) some of your sentences were huge and came off as run-offy. I feel like it may have benefitted you to cut up some of your longer sentences into smaller thoughts. So many commas. I had a buddy who had a love affair with commas.

And he’s dead now. At least ORL (Out-of Real Lyfe).

Okay… back on track now. I enjoyed that you: A) Kept the Omni/Intro speech short and B) Utilized the whole ‘Fountain of Life resembles nearby primes’ fact. I think you may have over-done it a little (the Fountain read as something massive in your posts), but I liked the personal flair.

When it comes to new members, I think you have genuinely done the best at portraying the summoning process. Most people just gloss over it, but you actually addressed it in an organic way that held fast and true to the established canon. You also gave it a very epic sense, despite the fact that he’s just summoning a sword and shield. My staffer persona gives you bonus points.

Very awesome setup and introduction. I have no clue who Chosen Undead is, and I also didn’t have any idea what any of those references to names and organizations and places was either. And honestly, the fact that I didn’t know didn’t impact a thing.

-----------------

Perhaps I Made a Wrong Turn

(Gherron) – Might be a nitpick, but I think you have to capitalize ‘the Force.’ Make sure you purchase Telekinesis before using it again. As a fan of jedis and Coruscant in general, I like the character, and I look forward to how he reacts to arriving in the Omniverse version of Coruscant.

(Fawlkin) – While I have no qualms with people writing in various tenses, I think you should always at least match your style to the partner you have. Also, keep an eye on your grammar. You missed out on some apostrophes and commas. Otherwise, you have an interesting character.

(Both) – I enjoyed how different these two characters are, and how you managed to play into that. It made their back-and-forth quite entertaining, especially due to the short posts, which allowed the reader to rapidly get different insights. I enjoyed that you two just talked and discussed your new world, rather than bothering in insert any pointless action or drama between the two. This just read as two confused dudes trying to work through an issue, and I look forward to seeing if your interesting and unorthodox pairing continues into the future.

[Dark Link]

I couldn't find the time to read "Perhaps I Made a Wrong Turn", so my apologies to Gherron and Fawklin.

Twice Chosen - The Omniverse has been blessed in the sense that we've been getting some talented writers who have managed to leave a very good impression right off the gate. The Chosen Undead is no exception in this regard and I once again find myself in a situation where I can't really think of any criticism I can offer.

I'm not sure if this is merely an interesting coincidence or if the author was inspired by his fellow Dark Souls player, but like Artorias, he depicted the fountain's appearance as something relevant to the character. It's a very nice touch, especially since the fountain is something that can be easy to neglect. Also, I agree with Proto that it was neat that the Chosen didn't start off with his sword and shield and only subsequently summoned them, demonstrating to the player how Primes use Omnilum to obtain what they seek.

On a side note, I was surprised at how laid back and lighthearted the author's style of writing was. Not that I minded that in the slightest, but it made for a rather interesting contrast to the source material the author is using. Then again, the character is in a different, less bleak world now, so one can't say it doesn't fit.

So, simply put, a great start. I'm very interested to see what will happen if/when Chosen encounters Artorias, both because they are from the same universe as well as because of the dichotomy of the writing styles of their respective roleplayers.

A Soul Uneasy - I don't have much to say regarding this post, since Lex did just as admirable of a job as Chosen, albeit in a different way. While the concept of having a being trapped inside an individual certainly isn't new, the author rationalised and executed it fairly well. The tatoo-like images covering Lex's body, the abilities granted to him by Spectres, the exotic terminology....all of this helps give the character and his unique nature a mystical quality that really excites the mind and makes the reader wonder what the Spectres really enable him to do. The mystery regarding the missing Spectres is also interesting, making one wonder if they're just gone or if they just ended up being scrambled around the Omniverse.

One thing that I found a bit lacking is that neither Lex himself nor Ismat really exhibited much of a personality in these posts, coming off as a bit uninspired as a result. That said, considering these were the author's first posts and how much he/she worked to establish the character's abilities and their nature, I don't feel the need to criticise this aspect much.

Regardless, the author did such a good job of establishing the primary concept behind the character that I'm interested to see what kind of impact the Omniverse will have on him.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

This Book Club is now concluded.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 50 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Club’s Options:

• Vampire Ridden
  Demons, Vampires and Swords oh my. What drew me in is just how arrogant Vergil is in this topic. You would think it would be a major turn-off reading about a character that fears for nothing and treats everyone around him or her as lesser beings, but surprisingly, it is rather refreshing to read – since it is just not done so outright very much. Granted I don’t know very much about his source material, and I’ll be honest, that didn’t really matter much.
  
• Cinnabon Isle Arc
  A tale of Clowns, Pirates tough ninjas and flashiness. It’s insane, but in that good way where everything that goes on whether it is an interaction between two storm troopers or a saloon brawl feels epic. Hard to read in places, but massively entertaining. Shame that Luffy is the only one active in this topic now as I enjoyed reading the bits from Ganon and Proto as well.

That’s all happy reading~

[Simon]

As someone who's made plans with Vergil in order to barge in on him, I feel obligated to post here before I go and ruin his thread. :/

Vampire-Ridden

The best part of this thread, and Vergil's character, by far, is how easy it is to understand Vergil's character. As someone who has never seen seen much of Devil May Cry besides the third game, I was refreshed how simple in concept this iteration of Vergil was, taking only the basics of his backstory. Which works perfectly here, really. Those few basics of Vergil's story are arguably the only ones that need to be known to understand some of his actions, and the rest can be chalked up to 'because he's a completely self-righteous jerk'. The player depicts all of this well.

At the same time, though, Vergil's posts also do well to depict Vergil as the more righteous individual versus Dante, but only barely. The details are overt enough to see that Vergil doesn't see himself as any sort of villain, but the reader does. It goes with the simplistic depiction of Vergil's character as mentioned above, but still goes as far as to show Vergil's perspective in opposition to everything else.

Which brings me to one of the main selling points of the thread. Vergil is an arrogant, prideful half-devil prince-lord with one of the greatest disdains of humankind to be seen in this world, and nobody cares. Imagine seeing a comedic play or movie, with characters that you don't recognize. Even if you have no idea who the characters are, you can still laugh because the humor is still there on a basic level. That's what this is, right here.

The great part about that, is that there is some depth to be had if you know of Vergil as a character, which makes it all the more better. And it just so happens that such details of Vergil's character are weaved into the narrative, so that the thread becomes all the more entertaining when you realize that Vergil is by all accounts a Demigod being talked down upon by peasants who have clearly had enough of everything.

I'm going to go with Sarah on saying that you don't need to know anything about Devil May Cry to find enjoyment in this thread and in Vergil himself. If you care to know, though, the player does manage to explain all the necessities of Vergil's history character in the narrative of this and his other threads.

[Guu]

Sorry I'm not the best forum topic analyst, I hope these will do for all of you:

Vampire ridden:

Vergil: He was fun to follow. He's so arrogant in the way he orders around NPCs like he owns the place (which he totally wants to.) It's funny what he considers “playing by the rules.” Why do I get the feeling he'd be killing people left and right if he ruled the place? I also like how the NPCs don't seem to take any of his crap. No fear of primes whatsoever I see, just straight up “f you upstart.” That was a hoot! Your NPCs in general are pretty well written, especially since we don't spend too much time with them. Also, it's interesting he has a code of honor of some sorts. Kind of a duel-nature kind of thing.

Not too much about the story arc since it still seems fairly early on. Still not sure where you intend to go with the character, except the whole domination thing. You seem to play up his prejudice against humans a lot, I'm not sure if this entirely emphasis or if you plan to turn this into an arc; like if he was going to grow passed his hatred. I guess if he were to go that route, his new unwanted relationship with snow would probably be a catalyst.

I'm assuming the Spartan fighting the skelies was a reference to Atelos. If so, nice! I like when these post reference other posts and Primes, makes everything feel way more interconnected.

I had a hard time following the combat, but that's probably my problem. Overall, you paragraphs are short and concise and not that hard to read.

Snow: And showing up to crash the party is this guy. I have to say; the team up is a fairly good one. The two of you seem to go well together, making clean opposites. I also like how Vergil makes the connection between his brother and Snow.

His introduction makes me a laugh a bit. I know this is more a limitation of the forum-based format, but it kind of felt like he went from the entrance to the fight in a matter of seconds. That's hardly Snow's fault, it was much better if he got in the action quick, just thought it was funny.

Still, good way to introduce the character attacking a vampire with a motorcycle. Quite the entrance indeed!

Not sure why Snow didn't summon another motorcycle to catch up with Vergil after he left, though I could imagine Snow the type of character to forget he has that ability.

Oh yeah, for both Vergil and Snow, I did see a few typos here, but nothing too bad.

Well, not too much more to say. Good job guys!

Cinnabon Isle Arc:

Luffy and Buggy: Come on, admit it. You're both writers on the show. Only excuse I can think of on how you capture the characters and the overall feel so well. Just felt like I was reading a novelization of the show.

This topic, while a bit on the lengthy side, was quite a fun read! Luffy and Buggy getting into trouble. I liked how Luffy's first instinct was to get some meat.

The guy you ran into in the restaurant was fairly interesting. I get the feeling it won't be the last time we see him in this topic. In fact, all your NPCs were quite good. The dynamic between the ship captain and first mate was a hoot, and made for a good fight. I really liked how your portrayed Pokemon NPCs. Slowking was spot on! Also curious where the whole Nidoking storyline will go. Makes me consider making my second character a Pokemon… hmmmm…

My only complaints would be that I think Kilala kind of comes in out of nowhere. Seems to be there just to be an obligatory cute pet. Also, you use the “Meanwhile” transition a lot, which isn't really necessary. Not to mention, that one time you used it to transition from the restaurant to raiding the boat, kind of suggests that your character moved between the two locations instantaneously. Might want to be careful about that in the future.

Other than that, no problems here. You've captured the feel of the show quite well!

Jak Mar: Bit too early to pin down your writing style or how you'll play in the story overall, but not bad in characterizing Daxter. I hope you can join the adventure party soon!

[Dark Link]

Vampire-Ridden - The thing I liked the most about this thread were the flashy combat moves. Considering the source material both characters are from (particularly Vergil), it felt very much appropriate and also pushed forward elements that the two of them have in common. Speaking of which, the dynamic between the two in general was quite nice and there's a lot of potential to be had there.

Having said that, I do think Vergil could have done a better job with his initial posts. Maybe it's just me, but I found them to be rather plain and non-descriptive. I understand not wanting to waste too much time in describing characters and elements that are relatively trivial to the overall story, but I think providing a few more details would have made those posts feel more atmospheric and less bland.

But later on (especially after Snow showed up), the author seemed to have gotten into the "groove" of things and his posts improved, so the thread still ended up being an interesting read. I'm very much curious if Vergil and Snow will continue adventuring together, since they seem to have a pretty good thing going.

Cinnabon Isle Arc - Alright, I must say, this was a really entertaining read as all the writers did a phenomenal job. What was most impressive about that thread is how well their writing styles managed to give the story an appropriately lighthearted tone. One thing that was a particularly nice touch were the sound effects ("Wham!" "Boom!" "Thwack!" and so on), which made the whole thing feel campy in a good sort of way.

Funnily enough, my favourite post in that thread was the one where Luffy thinks about his crew from his original universe. Since the thread is quite obviously intended to be comedic and the character of Luffy is very "happy-go-lucky" and eccentric, one could argue that it would have been perfectly alright for his writer to just portray him as a caricature. But by giving him this moment of melancholy, it helped make the character feel a bit more well-rounded.

I only really have one nitpick regarding the thread and it is a very minor one. I understand that the whole "flashy" thing is a running gag and one of the characteristic s of Buggy the Clown...heck, most of the time, it was funny and appropriate. However, there was at least one post where I felt that the word was overused to the point that it ceased to be amusing and just became tedious. I don't think it's a problem if it is used often, but overusing it only serves to make the joke lose its impact.

All that said, this was definitely one of the best threads we've had in the Book Club so far. I look forward to its continuation. I very much hope Buggy's author will have time to write in the future; while Luffy has been doing a fantastic job filling in for him, the two complement one another really well.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

This Book Club is now closed.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Do not post in the Weeklies thread until the Book Club has concluded and been closed.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 50 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Club’s Options:

• Heart of Darkness
  The main Mouse Mickey arrives in the Omniverse. It is amusing to think that of all the Primes that ‘want’ to go home, he is the only one (that I can remember) that has actually initially tried to simply do that. No screwing around: just summon a portal home. It of course doesn’t work and he is found by some pleasant Camelot folks.
  
• Planet Omniverse
  Adorable robit girl is adorable. Read or face my wrath. Oh and also there are Penguins Prinnys. Totally awesome dood!
  
• Adrift
  A rather climatic introduction of a new Prime. Caira enters in the midst of the Banishment of a criminal Prime from Camelot. She the banters with the two Soldiers and even gets in a sword-fight with the leader. It’s quite the unique spin on an entrance as she plays the role of a Prime whom was supposedly hunting the other that was banished without actually knowing anything about the Omniverse.
  
• The Exemplar
  To my knowledge the first completed Faction based Quest set in the township of Darkshire. See Shang play the good guy (kind of) and Atelos be a mighty Spartan against an undead horde; all to enlist themselves as its loyal Defenders.

That’s all happy reading~

[Caira Ayryn]

Heart of Darkness
With this title, admittedly I Immediately thought of the book. But this intrigued me- needless to say with a such reference others too may be inclined to read it. Because it's a powerful one.

I would like to say I really like your writing style, it shows a contemplative insight and gives the reader a feeling that you thought out actions and words alike. Particularly when you described keyblades as scarce with the phrase "few and far between." Also your level of description really appeals to me, it isn't just action it's thought along with it.

I also appreciate that you captured the style of Mickey's voice, it shows a deeper understanding with the character. And I like that you actually attempted to get home! If not the Nexus- arrival- then where else? Not to mention that his effort was well illustrated along with the warranted fatigue (this made the effort feel as though it were tangible).

The action that follows is well thought out, and the sequence it is executed leaves perfect room for the readers imagination to recreate the scene at hand.

Lastly, I liked how you gave the scene perspective- as Mickey learned more about his current situation, he learned more about Conan and particularly Craig's situation and opinion. I really liked that part because of Mickey's past, and the contradiction brought out the differences of the Omniverse and his home.

Overall I really liked the story and I definitely look forward to reading more of Mickey's adventures in Camelot!


Planet Omniverse

I like this title because it's really astral and pertains to Toybox Girl's past, and technological relation to the worlds as she is a robot in origin. And then when the first paragraph alludes to her creation, it syncs together really well.

I take an analytical perspective because I read this post for fun prior to, and it is a lively and exciting post.

From TBG recounting her previous life, I felt a deep sense of self, the wandering in the simulation room, her past creator, I felt as though she is loyal to her past and it gave a strong impression on me of the technology she originated from. Also that she was having technical problems reassured that she wasn't under a simulation itself. And later the basis of information was covered which I find to be essential, as technologies usually apply the information and convert it into use.

The reality turned into logic and was finely tuned with her current situation, accessing information and using it to your advantage. I also can appreciate that every sentence of your post flowed- clear, pristine and correct and asserted itself specifically so the reader could know of exactly what was meant by each word, and sometimes things like clarity are taken for granted.

Prinnies added appeal- but emphasized TBG's cuteness. TBG having to inquire with dialogue as to what the gate was showed that not every bit of information she had access to was sound. And later the Prinny highlighting the points of discrimination- and TBG's lack of it, was valid as, in a sense, offering perspective on future courses of action. And in this sense was a bit of a subtle allusion as to what might come- as TBG interacts with different races, and enemies alike.


Adrift
Ah! I was rather excited to see my own work on the list so quickly!


The Exemplar

Wow! I really enjoy the way the two characters flow off of eachother, the beginning- during the meeting, there was both distinction and the characters seem to get along well in each others presence.

It's a very fulfilling read, and I say this because you entertained me, with detail, action, balance and progress. Not to mention the two masculine badass characters that skillfully play off of eachother action wise, story wise and with unruly banter.

You had said in chat that it wasn't extremely actiony; well comparatively perhaps not to the heroic defeat of a dragon (well done I might say) and in this one, there was some excellent slaying of necromancers. But not all action can be classified by, shall we say, conflict. The action displayed here (in the underlying tones of the roleplay) if I had to put a few words to it, is that of a climatic progressive motion. "The flow" can be a hard thing to achieve, and when successful, it sweeps the reader into the roleplay with an unaided mysticism, of contrast, dynamic and overall sense of plot or intrigue. Together I would say that you have done an excellent job on this point in particular. -The flow is important because that's what keeps the reader reading!-

As I continue reading I notice you both growing with every post, and a MvW sort of dynamic becoming evident. I rather enjoy it because I don't think many stories are inclusive of that aspect- despite how it might prove to be the most definitive to characterizing a person.

Another small point that I may add, is that I liked that you didn't put so much emphasis on the meeting, it just seemed to fall into place. Each unique character added their own style, but the way it was placed together didn't feel forced, just another part of the flow~

Quoting Shang here during the duel "When they came together, Shang swung with his sword..." As Shang intercepted the blows, this was well demonstrated, as balance in battle is key- and Shang illustrated the battle in a comprehensible and exciting way while keeping in mind Atelos as well. This maintained a characteristic dynamism of growth while executing equivalent methods of skillful and a well delineated picture of the motions of battle.

There were moments I thought were realistic and later heart touching. Shang deliberating the death of Atelos, as a relevant experiment, and later the conclusion he came to. After, Atelos being grateful was something of an allusion perhaps of the igniting bond between the two. I thought that it was realistic and believable.

During the "invasion of undead' Atelos charges for the necromancer. It's a thrilling battle! I enjoyed the "final boss" that was a beastly creature, and I like that the theme follows through with his character, there's always a tangible foe to vanquish, and though it isn't always straightforward, it's something that matches the "head on" trait that is quite admirable about Atelos.

Later his flashback was well planned and not only did it offer insight but it gave depth to the character, the story, and some back round to Atelos, his past experiences and future resolve. Aside from that, you used good imagery and description in the flashback and it was really cool!


Overall I really enjoyed the expedition, and found it had layers of meaningful detail. Both of you did an excellent job, and should be very proud.

Extra credit:
It's Just a Bad Dream

I appreciate the notion that this be added to the list and I think it's a good idea.


In the beginning, the story tied in well with the audience, you gave a good feel of where Sarah was, and then you offered subtle clues as to what was wrong- or perhaps rather, how it was wrong. The incorporation of senses helped the reader feel as though they understood and offered a reason to reinforce the tense emotion of the abnormality that was described: something's wrong. What further intrigued me was how she noticed, the temperature! Something someone may not notice abruptly but as she got more comfortable it became more apparent.

Knowing that she is telepathic and telekinetic, I felt as though Sarah was well aware of the power she wields- but as it became more thrilling it was almost as though she were being hunted for those same skills. There was an excellent sense of sensory made in dream, and I felt as though it was pronounced with excellent depth because of the emotions to be experienced with the transitional aspects (taken into account) within a dream ..or a nightmare!

The monster that was battled was quite horrific, and later a chase! It really sounded like the ultimate enemy when the 'fabrics of reality' were threatened! The rapid pace that the dream offered, was a nice 'following through on delivery' sort of point for me. It's one thing to say you are in the dream- but it is truly another to feel it and set the stage comprehensively for an audience.

Later I found that her coping mechanism was one that was understandable and a fear of the unknown is something to cause anyone a slight sense of perturbation because it's hard to classify whether or not the self is at stake. And the fact that the Swarm is haunting her dreams makes it feel as though her worst nightmare might come to life!

[Dark Link]

Before anything else, I too would like to express my support for the suggestion that "It's Just a Bad Dream" should be included in next week's Book Club.

Heart of Darkness - Ah, another thread with a light-hearted tone. Not that that's a bad thing, since it fits the character in question rather well.

One thing I have to praise the author for is that he/she included elements which are common sense, yet a lot of us wouldn't consider using. For example, Mickey's attempt to use Omnilium to summon a portal back to his home universe. I don't think I've ever seen that done before, but it's perfectly logical that a character who wanted to go back to their home universe would attempt to do so with their newfound power. Likewise, considering Primes are abruptly brought into the Omniverse, it makes sense that at least some of them would be rather nervous when meeting its inhabitants. Really, in retrospect, it really makes me wonder why we haven't seen such things done before.

However, I will say that, even though Mickey is a former king, he didn't really act like one in these posts. I'm not saying that is necessarily a flaw, but it does make one wonder if this was deliberate on the author's part. Regardless, another excellent post from another talented newcomer. You guys are really not making our jobs easy here. XD

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

This Book Club is now closed.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 50 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Club’s Options:

• It’s Only a Bad Dream “Sleeping in a strange new world, Sarah dreams of a terrifying time that isn't really her own, and of the Swarm that she thought she escaped.” – Suggested by and quoted from Doomguy
  
• Collateral Impact
  New Primes just love tearing into Stormtroopers don’t they? Witness the banishment of some unknown, wanted prime and see Ragna with his mighty sword earn himself some hatred from the empire. They should have just given back his sword.
  
• Ninja Chronicles – To the Forest Follow Kito into the Forest and meet the Ninjas of the Tangled Green. He arrives at a Village run by his former Hokage and begins the long process of settling into a new home.

That’s all happy reading~

[Caira Ayryn]

Book club número Ocho

It's Only a Bad Dream
Great job Sarah!
(If anyone looks for the thread, it's under last week's topic, <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1623#p12028">viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1623#p12028</a><!-- l -->)

Collateral Impact

I really like how you lead into it as you start off the the story and it lets the reader know 'just enough' so that they want to know more about the story and whether or not the experiment will be captured. Later- he appears- and in a very understandable state of confusion, what doesn't help is that the troopers want him out of the way for their mission! It fits right into the plot and suddenly some perspective is given on the mission.

Purely in the first post I like the logic in it, the times in the different verses can be different and obscure and I don't think I would put it past Coruscant to be able to calculate the precise time for an escapee's respawn. It wasn't exaggerated, it made sense which can certainly make a reader appreciate the current action at hand. Because it didn't feel forced, anticipation inevitable but not only that, everything to come after the first post is more credible, which makes any action or events more realistic and yet in another sense, the reader can build off of their own imagination with the situation's uprise.

I like the inkling of curiosity, 'what happened to his arm?' And I like that the questions for the reader don't stop there! The story is well-paced. And Ragna's importance seems to grow, which is quite nice as the limelight descends on him, possibly hinting at answers for the reader's curiosity.

The amount of action is really quite nice, and amusing for the reader. The progression leads into the story well and suddenly and climatically, his disapproving association with corrupt authority becomes a reason to battle against it! Not to mention the confiscating of his sword!

The fight scene was really intense, I like that it wasn't 'too gorey' though I'm not sure there's a scale, but I don't like to include too much, nor too little and I mainly found your descriptions to be precise and accurate, and you made it appear that Ragna has real skill as he took on a legion of Storm troopers! While the occasional vivid description wasn't dissuading, or at least I didn't find it that way, it offered a drastic change in the way the story panned out.

The ending was really fulfilling and lead on to the next verse, making the reader want to follow.

His purpose: he immediately assumes this as the reason he is sent there. It had a stunning effect on the plot and character correspondence and it could only go up from there. Also it was a nice conversion/motive to the action that was induced. Not sure how many storm troopers that were sautéed, I wasn't counting, I was just impressed with what he could do given the circumstances "just a man with his sword."

Ninja Chronicles

Well Kito asked me already to give him a full on review on this topic, but it hadn't yet reached the ending (though some sentences have been edited out for accuracy as implications in the story progressed). So I'll post it in parenthesis and then add more to the bottom.

(I like how the first post gives a little back round but doesn't overwhelm the reader, it implies he is familiar with the terrain, a bit of a foreshadow when he recognizes Tsunade later.

Later Kito recognizes distinctions that only a ninja would know- which establishes his seniority, and that ties in later as well, along with giving the reader an idea of what he might be capable of.

Next the immediacy of action! It was sudden but it gives the reader a chance to cheer kito on. As while Kito was tracking down the ninja, he was obviously on their territory and so his tracking becomes a short chase before amends are made but when the line is spoken "why are you attacking me?" And because it was so sudden, it showed kito the other side of his own kunai, and it showed that he has a particular moral code (perhaps more than his ninja code) about attacking people whom aren't his enemy- it offers character description within his action and dialogue.

Kito decides to show his fist of justice by giving them all he has. Later on, Kito's distinctive characteristics play in association to his personality- and he remains true to himself even in the moves you have given him. I don't want to say "classic" ninja, but I could definitely ascertain the origin of his character with the consistencies you gave him. Oh even with the color blue too, icy, cold, remorseful.

As the rival of the injured man- the Jounin, comes into play- I really like this part because the action is riveting. It could be cool to see that rogue character return- with an epic backstory and such. Emphasized considering Kito spared his life. And revenge for mocking (defeating) him in front of the dude Kito saved. It might even play out that just as the guy Kito saved came to warn Kito of the enemy- the unexpected happens.

I'll leave the above at that and continue to say that I did like the part, and it shows Kito's nobility and ninja roots.

Kito seems acutely separated from his emotions, so when it is pointed out of the differences and similarities, I feel as though it implies a slight homesickness, for the most of what he may not recognize or want to about his village, facts are colder and easier to accept than a personal emotion after all. So this depiction was executed well in the eyes of kito.

What I would like to see for the future: so far as i read I don't feel like it needs anything major, and enjoy the adventure even a few tweaks might even cause a decline in the unique stylistic approach. The spacing is one thing I will note, but I read it perfectly fine so I can't complain. For myself because I occasionally write in massive blocks, it is necessary because I don't have enough dialogue or action to counteract it. You have a good balance.

When given the information on Tsunade I can picture his reaction correlating to what he actually did. Rushed to her, as he recognizes the name. More to mention on Tsunade is that I expected him to ask more q's about the Omniverse, as I don't think he was briefed on other information and he will eventually need to find a source or perhaps a suggested partnership. That is not to say that I didn't enjoyed the encounter, as he did acknowledge facts about the place - the most important being the limitations on his powers and skills.

Later he shows a subtle distress of the ideas of parental figures, it didn't go unnoticed and was a nice subtlety. The addition of Mia was a good variable, and gave definition to static or constant layers of the story. Tsunade took control and briefed Kito of the situation which was a good advancement for the plot.

I like that he has a mission thrust upon him and the fast pace of the revolving motion of the story. And the personal touches with Mia is really well defined and helps to bring out some specific qualities in kito.

And suddenly Kito has a job, which fits his ninja purpose very quaintly. And his loyalty to Tsunade is respectable, as he offers his headband and the symbolic action of that was profound but toned down. It was still very good, but could have been played up more- yet somehow it fit with Kito's character that it was valiantly played down. 'Cause he's a cool guy, and his tone of a ninja- as his loyalty was always there, so it perhaps needn't be said of the providence of his action.

Continuing, as he and Mia meet, it is a very sweet meeting, but since the royal family isn't to know, might Kito be suspicious with the assassination attempt already imminent? (Mia's perception is essential here.) Still for the dialogue and growth added to the story- so the sacrifice pays off.

All in all, I really liked the meeting of Mia and Kito and have high expectations for their future interactions (-no pressure) but she is kind of the opposite of Kito in a "warm way" and softens his exterior in a light that is only for the better. I'm honestly excited to see where you take Kito's journey and the next phase of his mission.)

Alright! I left off after kito left Mia's room. The further advancement of the story contains excellent levels of action.

Kito's moves are really cool and have awesome names. Let's face it, "Guillotine drop" is a pretty cool one, especially electrified.

As kito spends time at the summit, finally he is faced with the three ninja and an epic showdown commences! But of course no ninja battle is fought without the shade of a cloud of smoke! I thought that was a nice touch because it separated the common folks and attendees from kito and his ninja pursuers.

And at the end of the day, Kito lives to fight for another day, as he saves the families and Mia even kicks butt too. For the future of the plot, I wouldn't hesitate to add a little more back round as the story progresses of the royalties. And maybe for mrs marshmallow too, example: the reason, it later comes out, she is rather snide because she lost a son in the line of duty--- though she is the wealthy class, so I'm not sure that would fit quite well. Don't be afraid to add more little details to the motive of some of the actions either, it might give an edge to the the unobtainable diplomacy that the nobles strive for. Or also add to the consequence that Kito delivers with ninja action and accomplishment later.