NEO HYPER Book Club #3 (11th June - 9th July)

[Daniel]

Welcome to the Omniverse Book Club! Here, we put up a new completed topic every fortnight to read and review. By participating you'll earn a bonus 250 OM (subject to change) and you'll be able to suggest a topic of your own for the next fortnight. Aside from the helpful feedback, subjects of the book club will receive a Great or Exemplary bonus for their storyline if they qualify. :omni:

NOTE: This is going up early because I am going out to dinner and will not be home when it is supposed to go up. Can another mod please lock and un-stick the previous thread for me?

RULES

OOC Rules of Conduct apply.

We encourage helpful, well-considered feedback with both positive and negative comments. Try to remember that not everyone is confident about their writing, and negative feedback can be highly discouraging.

Review Writing Guidelines

Reviews must be a minimum of 150 words and should include your opinion on whether the participating member(s) deserve a bonus or not, and if yes, then 'Great' or 'Exemplary', according to the Bonus Rewards Guidelines. Please don't consider this an arbitrary number to fill; this just filters out those reviews that were clearly made with no effort.

Topics may include writing from multiple members. Please try to give everyone included a decent review and individual grade.

Try to go into detail about what you liked and didn't like about an RP. Try to keep it objective and positive: it's absolutely not okay to just tear down someone else's work without saying anything good about it. The more detail the better, and the more effort you put into your reviews the more likely we are to choose one of your topics to review, as thanks for your help to other members.

Please do not skim. If we suspect people are skimming topics, we may have to be more stringent on requirements, which makes it harder on staff to enforce, and more difficult for you to write your review. If we suspect particular members are skimming, we may bar them from future participation in the book club. This is free OM, so it's in everyone's best interest to keep it that way.

As far as grading goes, please be non-partisan. If you think your friend's topic truly merits Exemplary, awesome. But if we notice people constantly doing this and we consistently disagree with the gradings, we'll weigh your opinion far less than those who tend to give accurate gradings consistent with the Bonus Rewards Guidelines.

REWARDS

Book Club rewards will be awarded at the end of each fortnight, although it might take a while to get updated. Until you see a post in this topic saying "It was updated", it's safe to say you weren't missed or forgotten; we just haven't gotten around to it yet. No need to remind us. 

We will give the reward to the account you posted on, unless you request otherwise.

Those trying to become judges should note that Book Club reviews do count towards your total.

Book Club threads will run for two weeks. They will end on Sunday at 17:59pm AEST (Australian Eastern Standard Time), which is 7:59am GMT (Greenwich Mean Time) Sunday Morning. The next Book Club thread should be up by 6pm AEST (8am GMT)

Submissions

If you are submitting a thread for the Book Club review/grading please use this form after your review of the current thread. You're welcome, and encouraged to submit any completed topics or multi-topic storylines of your own that have yet to be graded and exceed 4000 words.

Code:

[url=http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=0]Link to topic - name[/url]
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera), please make sure this is per character, not as a whole:
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera) please make sure this is per character, not as a whole:
Quest or Personal Storyline?
Participating characters (please list):

And finally ....

THIS FORTNIGHT'S STORY

Another oldie this week. Who doesn't love the combination of two swordsman and a gun wielding half demon? Yu Kanda, Dante and Roronoa Zoro team up in this week's exciting thread, The arrival of the Noah! Enjoy the read

Yu Kanda - 10720 words, 59059 characters (with spaces)
Dante - 9586 words, 55428 characters (with spaces)
Zoro - 750 words, 4494 characters (with spaces)
Total - 21056 words, 118,981 characters (with spaces)


This week's reward: 300 OM! (I'm leaving it because this is also quite a long one, but don't get used to it.)

[Daniel]

Just a little reminder that this exists.

[Daniel]

Decided to extend this for another two weeks (until the 9th) and will be increasing the reward to 350 OM

[Daniel]

REMINDER

[Handsome Jack]

Disclaimer: I'm... kinda bad at positivve review. I apologize in advance. If I see a problem early, and address it then, I won't address any recurrences of that particular issue along the way. That should help keep the negativity to a minimum. I'm not trying to be a jack-ass and I'll always offer a solution to any issue I find, but my mind is better suited to finding flaws than to finding perfection. Even in my own writing. If I don't mention something specifically in my review, it's probably because it was well-done and I had no suggestions on how to improve it. I'm going to start with a long of my impressions as I read through the thread. It's gonna seem super negative and I apologize for that. Sorry. After the log, I'll critique each writer individually and offer suggestions for improvements and notes on what I think your strengths and weaknesses are. Again, I'll probably end up pointing out weaknesses more than strengths and again I apologize. If you feel like you can't take criticism well, please just stop reading here and ignore me.

Overall story: No idea what Akuma are (link is broken), but I assume they demon things. I had to make and assumption that Kanda had entered to Moors to escape a fight, but then he immediately wants to go back? Again, broken link. What kind of vehicle was Dante leaning on? What's the guy look like, aside from his grey-hair? If this was the thread I started reading fromt he beginning, I'd have issues knowing what was happening. Gun Face!!! Oh look. At the end of the paragraph, I discover Dante was on a bike. Would have been better at the beginning, when the vehicle was first described. Thus far, I'm getting the impression that if I'm not familiar with the characters, I'm not going to understand a whole lot of what's going to happen. Did Kanda just not notice either the exploding body behind him nor Dante's voice? He kept walking out of town like he didn't. Creepy forest is creepy. Some guy that Kanda knows from before showed up. No idea who he was before, but now he a grey skinned monster of some kind? No idea exactly what it looks like, but things are getting interesting. Thanks for describing what the Double Illusion Sword does for ya. Two swords are better than one. Getting serious. Kanda is in a pickle. How's he gonna make it out? Not sure what the difference between the levels of akuma are, but seems large when he whupped a level 1 and a level 3 threw him around like a rag-doll.

Dante under attack by Gun-Face. He gives no fucks. Gun-Face is a bitch. Motorcycles use a hand-grip for acceleration and foot pedals for gear shifts. Doesn't detract from the gloriousness of throwing your bike at someone though. I thought it was Gun-Face. Is it instead Gun-Torso-Face? Ol' shotty to the face, Ash Williams would be proud. Especially with the cocky one-liner. What opening was under its face? And when did it start glowing? Am I missing something here? Kinda wish the Gun Face had been more of a threat, considering how well it was described. Why'd you blow up your motorcycle? Seemed unnecessary considering your arsenal. Points for cool-factor though. Dear god, that chick is bitching like Trump complaining about the news. Kinda wish you'd just slapped some sense into her. Also wish I knew what she and Zoro looked like. Still, the chick should just be happy it ain't around killing peeps. Dante got some deep pockets to be putting a shotgun in there. Is it sawed-off? Also, that chick just got played by Omniphysics. Love it. Wait... a monkey? Where'd THAT come from? Is it a literally monkey, or like... a metaphor for something? Circumfrence of the houses? Like, they're round houses, or are you refering to the size of the town itself? Where in the Moors is Kanda Sandiego? Dumb bitch being dumb when she SHOULD know better. Isn't she the expert on these things? Super awesome description on the horse scene, guys. Like, I can't emphasize enough how good that short paragraph was. YAY! Gun Face is back, and with friends! What are blood-bullets though? Bullets made of blood, I assume, but I can't be certain.

Oh. They're bullets covered with blood. Ok then. It's a good thing I know what Haki is, otherwise I'd be lost as balls. I could still assume it has something to do with dodging, from the context, however. I like that Zoro sees a group of enemies firing down on him and decides "Let me get closer to them". Classic Zoro. Nice use of Dragon Twister. A few Akuma down? There was only three, right? Why would anyone need to "take care of the rest?" When'd the horse come back? Why did Zoro leave his pals behind? What are these "attacks" the horse is using? I'm glad you didn't simply ignore Dante and Klaud after Zoro disappeared, I just wonder if you had collaborated with their players before writing them. Because, I'm pretty sure Dante doesn't have a drawl. Could be wrong though. Ok, back to Zoro. Dopple-Zoro is a nice touch, but I feel like it would have worked better as a "end-boss" than in the beginning of the thread. You left off on a cliffhanger. Now I have no idea if Zoro won or lost the swordfight. At least until I read further in the thread.

Back to Kanda action. What's our Exorcist been up to while his pals are getting ambushed in a city? Wait... Tyki is back? Didn't he disappear to let his lackeys whup Kanda's ass? Guess he got bored. Guy's super stereotypical badguy. Not a bad thing. "Tsh, try me"?! Kanda is Edgelord: confirmed. And bullet proof. Fuck your guns, I got two swords! More level 3s? Jeez. Kanda was having enough trouble with just one. Wait... is Lau Jimin the horse or the monkey? Cuz... now it's on her shoulder... That would make the attack in Zoro's post make a lot more sense, but... Oh well. Let's continue on. Klaud and Dante finishing up the rabble like nothing at all. No clue where Zoro got to still. Oh wait! There he is! Looks like he won his fight in typical "the cool part happens off-screen" fashion. Tricky bastards. Where'd Kanda go? Was he captured? I NEED TO KNOW!!! And OH NO! Ambush! Kanda with the save! Huzzah! I guess another "the cool stuff happened off-screen" happened. Hey look! Someone who is more than just a little tired. Finally! I was beginning to think these Akuma were push-overs. Oof. Religion reference. Seems a little forced, but s'all good. Level 4? Jeez. Shit just ain't looking up for our ragtag band of Akuma slayers. I guess the guns lit the forest on fire. Maybe not. Who knows?

Jesus this thread is long. Between Dante and Kanda, yall would be about at the Void with just this thread. Just a side-note, since I FINALLY made it to Post 5 of 10 in this thing.

Dante is not pleased. Nor is Zoro. The latter because he don't know what the fuck is going on. What?! Dante ain't gonna blindly charge into a losing fight? Awesome. Zoro thinks he coulda handled it. Dante kinda feels the same way. Cocky birds of a feather flock together. Zoro wishes he was drunk. Classic Zoro. Awwww shit, they done been found't. Nice description on the threat coming towards them, but was the sword actually sheathed in its left hand? And how did you know it was a "he" when it was shrouded in darkness? Shit. Zoro done been punked. Vergil? I guess I shoulda known it'd be someone Dante knew already. Didn't catch that in the writing leading up to this though. Are Devil Arms signiture weapons of some sort? Heh. A wicked backflip. That's what I like to see. When a character's mannerisms are reflected in the player's writing. Zoro continues to get punked by Virgil's sheer presense this time. Looks like it's a bro-off. Welp. That was quick. Dante < Virgil. Zoro rushing into the fight, but is equally ineffectual. Compared to those Akuma, I'm liking this change to an actual threat to the team. Wounded warrior buddies limp away from their ass-whupping.

Belated introductions are better than no introductions, I suppose. And a little backstory never hurts too. Surprise attack by vaguely monstrous Level 3! And it brought pals! Every post in this thread has been action heavy. Love it. Lots of battling in this thread, with both Zoro and Dante shining in their own unique ways. I'm not going to go into huge detail over it, but nothing I like more than a fight scene. Shit was going downhill, then the turning point of random voice in Dante's head. AND LOOK WHO'S BACK! Ol' Jerk Face McGee. Kinda hypocritical to talk about monologues when you're the king of the one-liner, but ok Dante. Zoro with the sacrifice play. Dante meets back up with Kanda and Klaud. So, the gang is almost back together again! Assuming Zoro lives.

Kanda straight up assuming Zoro dead. Damn, dog. I know you don't like the guy, but at least hold out some hope. Also, why you make a fire when you know it's gonna draw baddies to you? Seems kinda dumb. I mean... it's KINDA your fault, Kanda. Running off solo and leaving peeps behind... Well, you know. I like the reference to the Secondary Saga. You didn't leave me guessing why she was a Prime now. Good job. Gonna make you some Black Order, huh? Still not sure what Innocence is, per se, but the birth of a faction is always a cool moment. Ok. A little explanation on what the Akuma are and what a Level 4 is. Thanks again. So, the plan is to continue fighting the things that be stronk and hope to not die before they run out of troops/you summon some buddies for help? Solid plan, bruh. And you left the lady on watch while you took your nap. In the middle of murder forest. With a conspicuous fire. Are you sure you're good at fighting demons? Cuz I think maybe you ain't. Found a decent enough place for your base, despite Dante's complaints. But hell, ain't his home, right? Why Dante being so negative to ya? You barely got started trying. And then it was there. I figured it was gonna take some... OH! It's all in your head. Gotcha. Ok. A lot of filler round this part. A little bullshitting from Dante. A little memory lane for Kanda. Aaaaaaaaand, back to the action. I was beginning to worry that you'd summon your pals within any interruption. Beast Mode: Activated!

Is this still dream house or real house? Only time will tell. Lots of good backstory here. Looks like Kanda is back from his dream. And even old guy voice assumes Zoro is dead. Feel bad for the guy. Who is "He"? I assume God. Continuing on. Innocence Cubes (sorry, not commenting on the filling information, but I will say your description of Hevlaska was excellent)? Who is General Cross? Welp, Kanda getting ate up by some energy. Very Captain America here. A lot of cool stuff in this post, and the first post in this thread that didn't have any fighting in it. It was a nice break, but let's get back to busting heads.

Dante. You've been messing around pretty much up until the Level 4 Akuma encounter. Come on, buddy. Beginning of the second paragraph seemed a bit redundant, but nothing too bad. Dante going for the boss? Ok then. Let's see if it goes better for him than it had for Zoro, whom everyone still assumes is dead. And then Dante spends some time killing Akuma above level 1, but not fighting the guy. Guess he got sidetracked. And peeps keep getting in the way of the main event. Well, until Kanda comes back out in Super Exorcist form. Even Klaud is giving Dante shit about not making it to the Noah yet. Ha! Very back and forth in this fight. From seeming to have the upperhand, to lamenting that the Noah and Level 4 will probably kill them all. And the Noah is a snarky sonuvabitch. Love him. I know pain sucks, Dante, but it's also your body's way of telling ya when you done did something dumb. Dante got proper fucked. You don't mess with a Level 4, pal. Tried to make a counterattack, but down again. Looks like this time, for the count.

With as long as this thread is, I'm fucking estatic to be at the last post. It's been HOURS on this.

Starting with Dante being poofed and Klaud's monkey pal getting ITS ass handed to it. I hope Kanda is bringing some serous fire power, cuz these guys just double-teamed a couple of Primes like they were pussies. Them butterflies now shit is bout to turn south on them. Too bad the Noah is a cocky bastard. Klaud with some back-up, but this is definitely the Kanda show. Well, until Tyki realizes there's back-up and pussies out. Don't wanna lose his Level 4, eh? Don't blame him. And just like that, the fight is over. A little anti-climactic that you went down 2 and a half Primes and really barely scratched his army. I hope this is leading into something bigger. I need some resolution to this mess. Rest of the post is basically just, "Yay! Black Order! Let's build us an army!" If you don't get out there and take care of Tyki the Dicky, I'm gonna be unpleased.


Kanda: As a writer whom English is not your primary language, you have a very good grasp of it. You're able to visualize what you want and put it to paper in a way that forms a mental image in my mind. Even from the start, you had me hooked on what was going on. Kanda running from a fight, getting sucked into demon stuff, girl trying to kill ya.

That said, some of your word usage, while correct, seems weird... I feel like you could have found better synonyms for some things. The very first sentence in your first post describes what I'm refering to aptly: "The portal on the moor's end showed a rumple in its liquid-like centre, two passing by townspeople glanced at it right before the exorcist Yu Kanda came flying out with high speed." I would have written it as thus: "A couple of passing citizens glanced nervously at the shimmering portal as it bulged outward before ejecting the Exorcist Yu Kanda, forcing the two passer-by to hit the dirt to avoid being run into."

Like I said, your sentence is correct, it's just clunky and unwieldy. This sort of thing continues through the rest of your writing, along with some grammar issues. When to and when not to hyphenate also seems to be a trouble spot for ya. None of this really detracts from the story, but they act as speed-bumps as I tried to comprehend what you meant. You want to write in a manner that flows naturally so that your readers never need to stop and reread a sentence to figure out your meaning. I think you'd do well to have a good friend proofread your work before you post it, at least short term. As they do so, you'll start to see what they would have changed before sending it to them and you eventually won't need the help.

This is just a personal pet-peeve, but I usually prefer to see dialogue seperated into its own section apart from the descriptive text. A sentence here and there being part of the paragraph is fine, and sometimes dramatic. But keeping it all together makes it difficult to tell what's dialogue and what is description.

I appreciate that you directed me to the previous thread at the top of your first post. Unfortunately, the link was broken. In the future, I'd suggest including a quick "re-cap" paragraph somewhere in your post, if your current thread has a lot to do with the previous one. Imagine it's like a book series. You'll want new readers who didn't get the previous books to not be confused during the course of your book as to what's going on. It could be as simple as "After many arduous days doing (insert simple summary here) Yu Kanda finally arrived in Darkshire" or as complex as your desire. Obviously don't rewrite everything you already did, but adding in a quick blurb, even if only when it become relevant, will go a long way to keeping your readers informed.

All in all, you show plenty of talent in the course of this thread, and I can see that you had a plan from beginning to end. You had a few hiccups along the way, a lot of which I can attribute to English being your second language, but nothing that can't be overcome with a little proofreading. Well done, pal. Having talked to you, it seems a lot of this is already things you're working to improve on.

Dante: You have a strong vocabulary and it shows in your writing. Action scenes play well into your strengths and they're all a pleasure to read. I was hooked into your first fight.

"The Akuma obviously knew no better in order to not possibly suspect something up with the target before it;" This sentence is incredibly unwieldy (lots of negatives), which is something I see a bit more as I continue reading. It's ok to simplify your writing; the fewer words you need to describe something, the better you keep your reader invested. I would have written as follows: "It was obvious the Akuma was underestimating the demon hunter;". Shorter and more to the point, while losing none of the meaning.

A few minor spelling and grammar issues, probably missed when you spell-checked. Doesn't detract from the writing, but like I told Kanda, these things can be speed-bumps which break the immersion a reader has.

Like I told Kanda, some of your word-choices could have been altered to improve comprehension. Like him, you might do well to get a second set of eyes on your work before you post it, at least for a short time. Your writing (at this point, it may have improved) is already pretty damn good, so I don't think you'd need a proofreader for long before you picked up the necessary skills to do so yourself.

Do you write in Limited or Omniscient Third Person? I've seen inklings of the former through your writing, but for the most part it seemed like you were going for the latter. Not something that really pulls my out of the story, just something I noticed and thought you might not be aware of.

Zoro: I don't think you're around to really enjoy this critique, but I'm gonna include you anyway. Like Dante, you have an excellent vocabulary and can describe action well.

"Given the lack of the Pirate Hunter’s somewhat recently awakened and ,even more recently, lost Kenbunshoku Haki, Zoro’s reaction lagged a little behind the other two, his former dependence on the mystical ability coming to light in a rather clumsy fashion; something Marimo would later put down to his abilities being dragged out of him." Maybe shorten this bad-boy down, or break it into multiple sentences. That was an eye-full to read.

You'll benefit greatly from spell-check, grammar-check, and proofreading. I saw a lot of simple mistakes that would have been caught by a word-processor's program and even more readily discovered by a friend looking over your work. You don't need to be a lone swordsman in life as well as on the page. It's ok to rely on others to shore up your weaknesses. I'd suggest using a proofreader for a few months, until you are better able to catch these errors on your own.

Everyone: I'd say you guys all have a good grasp on your characters, but I doubt you'd be writing as them if you didn't. You worked well together to weave a compelling story, even if I didn't have all the information beforehand. That's the main advice I would give you guys: never assume a reader has the information you have. If it ain't spelled out in your writing, count on the reader having no idea about it. Just a sentence or two summarizing or describing something anew can go a long way to keeping a reader invested in your writing. I rarely ran into parts where I was like, "Wait... what?" due to flow issues. Lau Jimin gave me some trouble, but I eventually worked out what was going on there.

[Yu Kanda]

This is one of the most extended review's i have ever seen. Thank you jeff for putting in this much effort into improving the writing of the people participating.

As for the broken links, i really should've checked that. Because it's basically part3 of the saga. The links were intended to give people the info they needed ( Like what Akuma are etc or where the story began). So seeing as you are a person, who doesn't know the background of Akuma etc, its good to know those things could use a little explenation when starting a new thread.

Once again, Thank you for putting in all this effort. I owe you big time.
P.s, Yes Kanda is a hearless edgelord and he will leave you to die.

[Isabelle]

Tale of a Pup: MK8D F Zero Circuit
Total character count including spaces: 46,245
Total word count: 8,548
Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Isabelle


That's my submission for book club. Should be an easy read, so should be good for Book club... I'm sure it'll get a lot of criticisms because I'm a half-baked author. XD


I'm hoping to participate in book club on the Guu account in the next few days! Assuming I don't back out like a jackass, expect that!
I'm having a hard time finding the time to read this. X.x It's literally the night before I'm still far from finished. I don't know if I'll get it in time... I'm sorry...

[Gildarts]

-------- Please give this bonus to freeza. My bad-----------------------

Book Club: Obviously my review will be small in comparison to JEFF’S but I tried to bring forth what came to mind as I was reading. Was kind of difficult for this one to write stuff. Hope you enjoy and that it helps.

Yu Kanda: [spoiler]Your starting post was very nicely built, but in it you tend to have trouble discerning when to use adverbs, you're Dutch and stuff but it could have to do with you being bilingual- a great and amazing skill and talent! Anyway if you ever have trouble I'm usually around, or, I have a RIB thread that simply just proof reads these sorts of things. ^^ (hopefully I don't come off as completely pompous but my intention is meant to be 100000000000% helpful.)

Also while I am aware this was a continuation to a story, I would like to suggest a "buffer/ synopsis" paragraph of what we as a viewer missed. I've been suggesting this lately for multiple reasons, but the top two are: it helps the reader remember and confirm what they read, and two, jog their memory and remind them if they missed anything. Jk Rowling does this at every beginning boon of HP save the first. Posts and storylines are a lot like books in that regard, the reader never skips it (though they may skim it) because she summarizes what was already written in a new or exciting way.

The Noah, they are here. And they brought friends, many of them." Kanda replied in between his heavy breathing.

For this small quote of dialogue because the reader had to read the quoted first then the "between his heavy reading" I felt a little obligated to reread it.

Instead just swap that type of thing if it defines the "" as different than usual. OR break it up in dashes or ellipses.

Dante's character and narration is very strong and slightly overpowering to Kanda's subtle ninja feel and tone at least in the beginning. In order to strengthen this a little, I'll suggest kind of what I suggested for Dante, share a little more of the character's thoughts with us readers or show special little "glimpses" of kanda's actions. This could be anything from,

"As he was walking his sheathed blades chafed as it felt his mind did when he thought about facing what lay ahead."

Idk why but things like that -the small details- can make a big difference lassoing the audience to the character and plot, helping the reader relate. Just a small suggestion.

"That's bullshit, secondaries cannot simply become primes. They walk around, die and stay dead. Well maybe they get resummoned, if they are lucky." Dante rudely interrupted.

HA.

Some very good dialogue followed.

"Tyki may be powerful, but even he cannot escape the laws of this world. He is bound to the world of omnilium just as much as we are. By now we must have taken out a big part of his army, don't you agree ?" Klaud's rational logic reached Dante, Tyki was just another prime. Yet there was still one thing that was on Dante's mind, "Alright, so you may have a point that he has to obey the same laws of physics as we primes do, but, what was that thing that scared you back there? What was it you were running from?"

Needs more Klaud dialogue. Because I like her, also she did feel like a more supporting character in Kanda's story this time, maybe accentuate her a little more. Her plot/importance did kind of reveal and make for good stuff at the end. I liked Dante's sass about the secondaries not ever becoming primes too, xD it appealed to me personally and likely would hit the reader with a cool tidbit too.

Be strong Kanda."

The words reached his ears but not his heart, his mouth opened to the sky in order to scream but not a single sound came out. His eyes were showing his true emotion, despair.

FEELS.

We are coming for them.    

Epic ending and narration.

I felt like my only issue was some sentence mechanics and grammar, as well as fallen and lost quotation marks. The ending was very nicely delivered but it also left me wanting more. A pleasant thirst for more, and not sure if that is good or bad, but it is what rang in my mind. Nice work Ken. *smile*
[/spoiler]
_________________________________________

Dante: [spoiler]So far excellent detail, sentence structure and coherency in action and dialogue.

I'm about a post or two in, and since I fought with you one on one, it occurred to me that Dante was there, his characteristics however were more subtle. You did mention he was in a constant state of growth/ evolving which makes him not always the same, and it is not all the time can people can be their iconic characters. BUT kanda is stealing the show! You can't let him do that!

The story flows really well but I was just curious about Dante's inner introspection on the course of events and how they've unfolded- people and characters don't always say what they mean. Though Dante seems very genuine when rallying against the enemy.

"What's the big deal?" The pirate hunter half-asked and half-demanded to Dante, not relenting his vigil to even look at him.

I said something similar to kanda above, saying it just sounds better in my personal head if the dialogue is following this statement. Could just be me ^^

Oh! Introspection! =D good spot for it as it showed his reasoning behind the decision / course of action/ choice of statement.

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...9#pid55949

Post #5 had a great plot, twist, incline and suspense. Very nicely done.

The encounter with Vergil was a little short given it's his twin brother but I did like how "sweet" it was. You didn't let it drag on and that left an impression on the reader, kind of like a building block or a stair, because it was sweet I expect it to be climbed later into another future encounter (maybe far down the line, maybe not.)

The Son of Sparda gave a sidelong glance at Zoro, maintaining eye contact for a couple of seconds. The swordsman was a difficult person to scrutinize, considering his neutral expressions and almost conflicting dispositions at times. He seemed straightforward and determined, yet disinterested and narrow-minded. But, perhaps most importantly, he at least knew when to absolutely stand up for something.

It is the parts like this that make me really savor Dante’s writing. He’s subtle, allows a slow lead into the plot and doesn’t drench you in overpowering character lines.

Excellent action scenes + great descriptions.

When Dante ran I wasn’t quite sure it was in his character to, but then I kind of realized the reason he ran and thought Zoro’s sacrifice was cool.

Dante seemed to scoff at these results, stowing his shotgun back under his coat. "A pest would try harder than that, though," he spoke with what sounded like restrained disgust at the paralyzed dark-spawn.

I approve of this sass.


[/spoiler]


General: You both were really good keeping in mind about how a larger thread is harder to juggle with pronouns and exchanges like that. You used names and that helped keep coherency for me personally. During battle this is also super important because if Cell is battling Clint Eastwood and (new sentence, paragraph) "he threw a punch" depending on variables, you'll likely be wondering who.

Overall- a very fluent, wonderful read. I wasn't expecting such distinctly long posts from the characters but I think the story carried it through rather than needing to bounce back and forth.

I don't feel like I have too much to comment on in the “overall” department. I didn’t feel like I had too much critique to add to this story, because it was so nice so I kinda just had to say what occurred to me. Hope that’s okay. Loved the storytelling. Loved the writing. Loved the thread. SUPER impressed.

Jeff made a good point about the terminology, but this is the 3rd part in the story so if you’re a reader and you read the first two parts and still don’t know what an Akuma is it likely isn’t the writer’s fault but the reader’s for being less attentive. HOWEVER peeps like me and jeff read Part 3 first because of the review. Food for thought, Ionno, <3

Exemplary bonus.



Daniel/bookclubmaster:
[spoiler] Am I able to submit Trixie’s underverse thread to this? He has already received an exceptional writing bonus but was interested in receiving some critique/feedback.[/spoiler]

[Daniel]

Book Club is Closed New thread will be up soon and OM will be distributed within the next 24 hours.

[Daniel]

OM for reviews has been given.

[Alex]

I know I missed the deadline, but Ken gave me feedback before and I'm not going back on my word.

--

Ah, another ‘vintage’ thread.  I feel like this might be a theme for this first wave of Hyper New Book Club.

Like the other review I made, I’mma focus on my big thoughts and comments here.  At the end, I’ll include the notes and thoughts I had while reading the thread.  I’ve spoiler-tagged those mainly because they go one and are for the sake of Ken and Dante more than anyone else.

So here we find Yu Kanda and Dante.  This is, if I recall, after the Secondary Saga and before Ken (Yu Kanda) went on to help coordinate Heroes Graveyard?  It took me through a bit of the thread to see that this was the foundation of Kanda’s dormant faction, the Black Order.  Just like with the thread from last time, once I saw that ‘big picture,’ I was drawn into the remainder of the thread a lot more.  It felt like a little moment of history, rather than just two friends and their pals slaying monsters.

In terms of big picture, I liked this thread.  There were parts in the narrative where I found myself confused, and the pacing/transitions (particularly in the first handful of posts) made it a bit hard to follow.  Let me clarify that.  I felt like it went very quickly from Kanda landing (in Darkshire?) to running into monsters, to running into Dante on a motorcycle, to fighting monsters in a forest removed from civilization.  After that initial confusion, I was grand.

Some of the stuff on akumas lost me.  I know what the word means, but the levels and all that stuff confused me.  After I got about halfway through the thread, I decided I’d check Kanda’s roster so I could complain that the information wasn’t there.  Well it is – so thank you, Kanda.  Yeap, they're demons.

Your roster’s a mess though (formatting stuff, not content) – you should polish that up when you have some time.  

It goes without saying, though, that you’ve definitely grown as a writer.  Your writing in this thread was in desperate need of editing (I know you’re an ESL, so I wasn’t flipping my computer over as I read), but when I compare it to the stuff you wrote as Batman, I am impressed at the lengths you’ve gone.  Even stylistically and narrative-wise, you’ve grown.

As for you, Dante, you’ve always been a good writer.  You were one of the five best writers in Dante’s Abyss.  I enjoy your writing, and you should keep writing.  Yet, even as I give you praise, I realize I have no idea what the hell your character has accomplished or done in the Omniverse.  I just know his deeds through mainstream events.  I should go see if your roster has a story list and see if you’ve done anything fancy.  I’m curious to delve into the character a little more.

Final Note – I’d give Dante the Exceptional Bonus.  Kanda’s writing is too green.

Stream of Consciousness Nonsense/Musings/Ramblings

[spoiler]
Yu Kanda 1

-Year and a half old post/storyline.  Gonna make a note of that, let’s see how awful you were back then compared to your Batman stuff =p

-I think you’re looking for the word ‘ripple’ rather than ‘rumple’ … oh, wait, synonyms.  Neat.  I should have pieced that together, I often complain about my girlfriend’s bed sheets being rumpled.  

-Yea, you have grown.  You don’t have the tense/verb issues that I see in this first paragraph.  The sentence structure is also pretty choppy, and it’s clear to me that you were still finding your voice as Kanda at this time (were you?)

-Noah is a guy in a top hat?  With a propensity to grandiose gestures of villainy?  I already like this guy.

-All in all, this was a very methodical post.  You provide a breakdown of what occurred and don’t try to go overboard with description or get overly flowy with … the flow.  While the grammar needs (needed?) work, I can’t complain about the story content of the post (although I won’t laud it either).

Dante 1

-I read the first sentence and my thought was “oh wow, you used commas to their max potential.  +2 respect.”  Not a fan of that jumbled sentence that follows next.  Semicolons are a tricky creature.

-The same is true when I was reading you in DA, but I get a kick out of the fact that all of Dante’s weapons has names.  It made me think back to those ancient stories where all the swords have names.

-All in all, very solid.  When I read your work, I always feel like its pulled straight from the cover of a 1980’s heavy metal album cover or something.  Like that Jack Black video game?  That’s a compliment.  I did, however, kind of get a little lost in the ancillary players in the scene.  I lost track of them at a point.

Kanda 2

-Oh, Noah is a species of some sort and not a person?  I am grossly unaware of Kanda’s canon.  

-Something you may have already sorted out, but is Akuma a proper noun or not?  You go between capitalizing it and not capitalizing it.

-A trick that you might want to consider is breaking up paragraphs for dialogue.  Even if it’s the same speaker, it helps to give a little more gravitas and adds to the flow, ESPECIALLY in an action scene like this one.  You have two people speaking in one paragraph in this post, and that took me a few moments to figure out.

-Did Kanda land in Darkshire?  You guys traveled really quickly to a forested area, so I’m not sure.  

-I liked the section with Klaud commenting on the fact that “this is Omni’s world” when you spoke about God’s cleansing and whatnot but again I found myself lost in the side characters that I didn’t know where there.  I remember (albeit vaguely) Klaud from the Secondary Saga but that’s about it (and even then, I don’t really remember who Klaud really was – I think you used a lot of German in her text, though, which was something I remember noting at the time as ‘pretty cool’)

-The rest of the post was fine, but you did have some grammatical things you could/should have caught with a quick edit (uncapitalized first letters of paragraphs).  But again, I know this was early in your writing.

-Here’s an exercise.  I’m snatching the last paragraph from your first ‘perspective in post 2.’  Kanda defiant against the akuma (Akuma?).  I just want to show you some of the small things that I would have done that (in my opinion, obviously) may have increased the flow of the section.  I am going to assume that akuma is not a proper noun.

"There is no victory for you here, only death." The red colored akuma spoke with a grin, quickly followed by the green one next to him, " There are more of us then there are of you. The innocence will die with you." They duo helped their fallen ally up, it was a scary sight, three level 3 akuma's standing next to each other with a Noah in the back. Kanda knew he was in trouble, but he is was an exorcist, this was what he was chosen to do. Getting up from the dirt he took a stance, both swords vibrating with innocence energy, grabbing his swords tight and his game face was on. With a loud battle shout he charged the three powerful opponents, knowing full well, he could meet his end.

Alex-ified

The red-colored akuma grinned.  "There is no victory for you here, only death."

A moment later, the green one next to him spoke. "There are more of us than you. The Innocence will die with you."

The duo helped their fallen ally to his feet.  It was a scary sight—a trio of level 3 akuma's standing next to each other with a Noah in the back.  Kanda knew he was in trouble, but he was an exorcist. This was what he was chosen to do!  Sliding into a stance, he clenched his swords tightly as they vibrated with Innocence energy.  Kanda put on his best game face as his adversaries loomed tall before him

With a loud battle cry, he charged the three powerful opponents, knowing full well that he could meet his end.

While I did re-arrange some stuff, my main intention was to just show how to chop up a blocky paragraph to enhance the narrative (there’s also stuff in there that’s probably ‘Alex tropes’ like the dash and the fact that I like to alternate dialogue in stand-alone sentence).  I also must admit that I didn’t like the sentence I italicized in the original, so I chopped it to pieces.

Dante 2 & 3

-I’m a fan of the ‘half-something and half-othersomething’ phraseology.  I use it every now again, so it’s nice to see I’m not the only one.

-When I have “Dialogue”-break-“Dialogue,” I tend to have a period before the second spoken segment.  I think that’s the grammatically correct way to do it. *waits for half a dozen people to get all up in his face rambling about artistic license nonsense*

-To relate to dialogue again, I feel like you can maybe tone down the surrounding sentence structure.  Aside from one or two one-word interjections, I felt like every single bit of dialogue had some associated action or twitch or something that occupied the rest of the line.  While that’s an excellent device when you need to add a little bit of action to the narrative, it can quickly bog down the pacing when it’s just extra description of tone and twitches.  Just something to consider.

-(from your third post) “They two of them began to limp forwards together, and collectively faster” – This sentence took me way too long to decode.

-Okay, the scene where Dante gets impaled and goes HAM was some fantastic stuff.  

-Should I know the difference between the levels of akuma or is it just as clear and blatant as it sounds?  I’m familiar with other media that classified demons, so I’ve just assumed.  Is it a steep climb from 1 to 3?  Is this stuff in Kanda’s roster because I 100% didn’t go there before diving into this thread and now it’s far too late.

-Weird, you had a paragraph start without dialogue but included a period prior to the eventual dialogue after that line of text.

-Oxford commas.  +1 respect

-The progression of this fight is a little lost on me (but not to the point where I’m struggling to follow along).

Kanda 3&4

-“The three warriors stared into the yellow-red flames flickering in the night, as they mourned for their lost companion” – should be two sentences, personally

-“Kanda sighed as he threw another log onto the fire, sparks danced through the air as the log landed onto the pile.”  Instead of ‘log landed onto the pile’ you may want to go with ‘settled into the flames’  It’s something about using the word onto twice that felt off (may be my personal tastes though)

-Kanda scraped his throat before addressing her," How long have you been here General?"  Scraped his throat or cleared his throat?

-Oh, okay, is this the Black Order foundation story?

-"Soo, what is a black order ?" Dante asked semi curious. ~> With this, I think you would have been better served to just have Dante tilt his head or lean closer.  Both are common ways to show someone is interested in hearing what you have to say.

-“The dark words provided by Kanda made Dante quiet, no smart comments, no wise cracking jokes, no sarcasm.”  Colon would have been best used here.  “…quiet:  No smart comments, no wise-cracking jokes, no sarcasm.”  Or, if you wanted to be extra-stress-the-point.  You could have them each be standalone sentences after Dante falling quiet.  

-I think this is my first time reading someone expend this much effort in the summoning process (both in-character and reading a writer detailing it to this extent).  Lots of time people just gloss over this (I do, because it can be boring), but you have a background scene to rely upon, which helps add some more gravitas to the narrative.  It’s a very cool series of scenes for sure.  

-Your fourth post (the #8 post in the thread) was very well-done.  Initially, I was going to complain about the super paragraphs at the start, but you quickly started to switch up the structure.  The bit at the end with the saying was a nice bookend for this post.  You managed to provide this scene with the drama it required without making it too cheesy.

Dante 4

-Excellent post.  I got a little confused with the transition for this last scene, but I figured it out.

Kanda 5

-I feel compelled to link you to some of my old writing to show how I struggled with block paragraphs, so you don’t think I’m just yammering stupidly.  I don’t know if this is a Kanda thing (because he is so exposition-heavy) or what.  I’ll have to spot some of his recent work.  Your stuff with the Batman didn’t have this issue (but then again, you had a lot more dialogue and your Batman posts were smaller than this).

-But honestly, this was a nice conclusion to the thread.  Your writing definitely improved by writing alongside Dante (who is grade-A throughout), but you still had some common mistakes in the last post.  A lot of these I didn’t find in your Batman work, so I imagine that you’ve since mastered the art of editing and revision.[/spoiler]

[Revan Noctis]

This read starts with Yu Kanda somebody who I’ve written with at this point personally, the Pale Moors one of my favourite verses and a fun place to read about. So we start with some dark being that has set a trap for the exorcist and of course Kanda has walked into it without too much worry. Dante meeting an Akuma for the first time was dark and intense for a moment.

These Akuma seemed separated into levels, this is fine but how strong exactly is a level 1 compared to Kanda anyway?
The motorbike entrance by Dante was cool, motorbike killing supernatural hunters are cool and together with Kanda they are bound to be a threat to the less nice members of the moors.

Killing demons is great but I’m unsure what the demons goals are I guess, A bit of discussion on the Akuma and souls being damned is fun, I actually don’t know how souls in the Omniverse work but I don’t think they exist like they do in other universes.

Seems that the Akuma like guns, very different to the fantasy evils I am used to, doesn’t seem to stop Kanda and Dante I guess is used to surprises. So the pair are well experienced in fighting demons and the Moors is filled with them, great they can fight endlessly for years to come I guess.  The Akuma do seem to pose an interesting threat and I guess maybe fight for themselves.

The story continues as it seems the Akuma force is powerful Kanda tries to amass a force in the Moors as well leading to some struggle. I’m unsure if the Akuma care about the rest of the dark forces in the Moors but they seem intent on killing the exorcist and his forces. The order they wish to create sounds interesting but I doubt they would be much against Dracula, still I admire their optimism. 

The creation of the base was most exciting to read, I hadn’t read the creation of a base before this but I think it was written well.
This black order sounds nasty but I guess it’s warriors fight with innocence so it’s ok, in all seriousness the struggle for reforming the order is exciting since it is not only intense due to being up against the Akuma but this could go to Diablo as well.

The climax with the level 4 was excitingly intense, I wasn’t sure how things would go but Dante really took a massive beating here, 
The end to the battle was slightly anticlimactic without a clear victory but I can understand that further build up can be great.

The resurrection of the base and the announcement of its new leadership was an interesting end all the same.
I hope that the black order continues to exist, it seems they have a lot of work to do.