NEO HYPER Book Club #2 (28 may - 11 jun)

[Daniel]

Welcome to the Omniverse Book Club! Here, we put up a new completed topic every fortnight to read and review. By participating you'll earn a bonus 250 OM (subject to change) and you'll be able to suggest a topic of your own for the next fortnight. Aside from the helpful feedback, subjects of the book club will receive a Great or Exemplary bonus for their storyline if they qualify. :omni:

RULES

OOC Rules of Conduct apply.

We encourage helpful, well-considered feedback with both positive and negative comments. Try to remember that not everyone is confident about their writing, and negative feedback can be highly discouraging.

Review Writing Guidelines

Reviews must be a minimum of 150 words and should include your opinion on whether the participating member(s) deserve a bonus or not, and if yes, then 'Great' or 'Exemplary', according to the Bonus Rewards Guidelines. Please don't consider this an arbitrary number to fill; this just filters out those reviews that were clearly made with no effort.

Topics may include writing from multiple members. Please try to give everyone included a decent review and individual grade.

Try to go into detail about what you liked and didn't like about an RP. Try to keep it objective and positive: it's absolutely not okay to just tear down someone else's work without saying anything good about it. The more detail the better, and the more effort you put into your reviews the more likely we are to choose one of your topics to review, as thanks for your help to other members.

Please do not skim. If we suspect people are skimming topics, we may have to be more stringent on requirements, which makes it harder on staff to enforce, and more difficult for you to write your review. If we suspect particular members are skimming, we may bar them from future participation in the book club. This is free OM, so it's in everyone's best interest to keep it that way.

As far as grading goes, please be non-partisan. If you think your friend's topic truly merits Exemplary, awesome. But if we notice people constantly doing this and we consistently disagree with the gradings, we'll weigh your opinion far less than those who tend to give accurate gradings consistent with the Bonus Rewards Guidelines.

REWARDS

Book Club rewards will be awarded at the end of each fortnight, although it might take a while to get updated. Until you see a post in this topic saying "It was updated", it's safe to say you weren't missed or forgotten; we just haven't gotten around to it yet. No need to remind us.

We will give the reward to the account you posted on, unless you request otherwise.

Those trying to become judges should note that Book Club reviews do count towards your total.

Book Club threads will run for two weeks. They will end on Sunday at 17:59pm AEST (Australian Eastern Standard Time), which is 7:59am GMT (Greenwich Mean Time) Sunday Morning. The next Book Club thread should be up by 6pm AEST (8am GMT)

Submissions

If you are submitting a thread for the Book Club review/grading please use this form after your review of the current thread. You're welcome, and encouraged to submit any completed topics or multi-topic storylines of your own that have yet to be graded and exceed 4000 words.

Code:

[url=http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=0]Link to topic - name[/url]
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera):
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera):
Quest or Personal Storyline?
Participating characters (please list):

And finally ....

THIS FORTNIGHT'S STORY

This week we're going for another, relatively, old thread written by two longstanding members of The Omniverse. It's Strazio and Gildarts with their NPC story-line featuring Isaac and Christa, An Alliance Forged in Blood. Enjoy the read and we hope to see some interesting discussion!

Strazio - 5895 words, 26385 characters (with spaces)
Gildarts - 8283 words, 36664 characters (with spaces)
Total - 14,178 words, 63,049 characters (with spaces)

This week's reward: 300 OM!

[Daniel]

Just a little nito burrito bumparitto.

1 week left for this.

[Todd Ingram]

Alright guys, time for the next official Batman review!  An alliance forged in blood……, Hey at least they got the title going for them. Apparently it's about some old dude, a wise man, a calm man, someone you can kick back with on a quiet Sunday evening for a beer. And then there is a woman, a loose cannon, shoot first ask questions later, a renegade. So Riggs and Murthough find themselves in allot of trouble this episode…. No wait… that’s something different. Got carried away there. On to the review! *insert lethal weapon saxophone*

Here's a little Christa preview:

The story itself is pretty straightforward, a strange duo meets up during a fight, bond and continue to fight for a common goal. Pretty straight forward right? Well the thing that makes the story good isn't the red line throughout the story, it's the way they've described every single detail of every moment that made it special.


The chemistry created between the two secondary's  started to take place during the bar scene, once the drinking began, so did the growing of a bond with these two unlikely allies began. I love how not the battle before but the sharing of alcohol actually started to give them some depth as a duo. When I finally started to accept them as partners a second battle followed, and this was a big one. The length of this fight was pretty long but so well written, every bullet, every breath, every action was described into great detail. It allowed me to create a very detailed picture of the entire bar fight. Even though the fight dragged on for a while, it was one of the strongest moments of the entire thread, simply because of the way these two great writers took the time to think about every moment.


The story was a great prequel to the secondary sage which we all came to know and love. Reading this gives both Isaac and Christa allot more depth.


About the characters:


Isaac, the old fart started to grow on me throughout the story, even though I was hoping at points he would stick his neck out and stopped playing it safe, it eventually started to grow on me. Also, his powers are unique and so versatile, you make great use of it during the story. Also, he's getting too old for this shit.



Christa, the badass. We know, she's a badass, we had to read about just how much of a badass she was every paragraph. Did I mention she is a badass? All jokes aside, there is allot more to the character, her background and the way she is dealing with it makes her one of the better secondaries on the site.

Final judgment:

It was a very entertaining story to read, I have to admit, it took me several sit downs to finish it. For me personally it would have been easier to read if some scene's were a bit shorter. I know I contradict myself with this statement but for the flow of the story I would've preferred it, this is something I personally prefer, not to criticize your choice of length for the scenes. I still enjoyed the story ALLOT and am glad I got to find out more about the past of these two adventures before they went to find Omni.


Would Batman recommend this story to a friend: Yes.


Bonus: Batman would like to recommend this story for the great bonus.

To the next review!!

[spoiler]

I would like to request a review on a story Dante and Kanda ( and roronoa zoro)  did a while back.

Code:

[url=http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=4363]The arrival of the Noah, Part3[/url]
Total character count including spaces : 118.286
Total word count: 21.179
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal storyline
Participating characters (please list): Dante Kanda Zoro

 
 

[/spoiler]

[Omni]

After some thought, I've decided to bump up this week's reward to 300. It's quite a long one, after all.

[2B]

So, first off I’d like to say I’ve never really graded anyone’s work. ‘tis worth mentioning that I also haven’t read many threads that I’ve not personally been a part of myself.
 
But, in light of recent events, I decided to give it a try, to seek both inspiration for my own writing, as well as in an attempt to figure some internal things.
 
With those disclaimers out of the way, into the review we go!
 
An Alliance Forged in Blood.
 
Strazio:
The thread starts off rather explosively from Strazio’s side, something to hook the reader in. Unfortunately, I have no previous knowledge of Isaac, so I found some details about him to be ever so slightly difficult to grasp, such as why exactly the Empire was hunting him, the previous encounter or so that led to this. Why are they trying to trap him?
 
Strazio’s writing however is luscious regardless. ‘tis very smooth and pleasant to read, and the story telling flows very well from one tidbit of the action to the next. That is why, despite the fact that the first post has issues to those, whom haven’t read his previous works, manages to deliver a phenomenal start to the story.
 
I really like the second post, the drinking scene from Strazio, in general, I really like how Isaac acts toward Christa. The writing feels good, and flows very naturally. The silent competition between the pair is just a thrill to read.
 
I found myself enjoying the glance into the past of Isaac and the sector 8 a lot. There was something fascinating and chillingly morbid about it, yet it opens more upon Isaac’s demeanor and why he chooses mercy over deathdealing. I must say, throughout this saga, I’ve really grown to like Isaac as a character, and the Old Bloodlance has most certainly caught my interest.
 
The last post, I quite like it. A narrow escape with tension that celebrates on the comradery that has formed across the thread. A companionship that I’m certain will grow, or has grown in the future threads. Strazio also does well to enlighten the mood of their escape, to deliver a pleasing finish.
 
Gilfish:
An explosive start off for Christa as well, that kicks off much sooner than on Isaac’s side, thanks to the build up and groundwork already being laid for the scene. The post is chaotic and confusing, very much like the situation written about, which in my opinion befits it. It served well to leave me more curious about Christa and sets the ground for Strazio to start off the relationship construction.
 
Gilfish continues upon the bar scene, and very naturally keeps the battle of wits ongoing in very subtle manners as the two test each other in ways. The glass was a nice touch. I will admit that the typo of “Isaac” into “Issac” pulled me out of my immersion more than it should’ve, given it was very consistently typoed. However, it stays faithful to how Christa was painted to begin with, and continues to shed some light upon the matter, keeping my interest to the character very much alive.
 
The small-scale war that breaks out in the tavern, in my honest opinion I think it dragged on a bit long. I did like very much the bits and bobs, where even such carnage, was to an extent a competition between Isaac and Christa, where Christa aimed to kill, whilst Isaac aimed to spare. It was a very welcome and enjoyable thing to read. However like mentioned, in my opinion, the story might have benefitted of a tad shorter scale of a battle. But again, it did very well to point out and underline the very nature of Christa’s as a killer, as well as cement the reader on her thoughts and opinion about Isaac.
 
Christa has continued to pique my curiousity, because whilst she paints the canvas with blood, you can see hits and streaks of kindness and caring fluttered within. It makes for an interesting character to read, and offers a sense of depth to something, that could otherwise easily grow monotonic.
 
The thread that begun with an explosion, ends with an explosion. It’s only fitting. We see more of Christa’s arsenal and her underlying planning nature, as well as the fact that she should never be underestimated. Ever.
 
Boy I wouldn’t want to be on the wrong side of her rifle. Oh, and we fresh readers are also naturally introduced to whom I perceive to be an overarching ‘villain’ of sorts, Damien.
 
 
Overall:
 
I liked this, and I’m glad I read it. The both of them wrote very fluidly and it’s very clear a lot of thought and comradery, a sense of co-operation went into writing the thread.
It does very well to establish the two characters and their relationship, whilst retaining both of their individualities.
 
I’d have to say I quite like the both of them, and that they work excellently as a pair.
The occasional typo’s were a bit of a bother, but I could stomach them, as they happen to the best of us.
 
Despite my limited experience with grading and reading other people’s writing, I’d say this thread is worthy of a ‘Great’ nomination.
The writing and story is coherent and very enjoyable to read in my opinion. There was no low points, nor did the story linger, aside the minor gripe I had with the bar shoot-out.
The occasional typo that I found, was “Isaac” being written “Issac.” I cannot say what happened there, but I’m almost certain it’s probably Word or such having auto-corrected it, which slipped past notice despite proof reads.
 
As such, I’d say the thread is worthy of the Great nomination. Good work, both of you. The ride was an enjoyable and pleasant one, and as it begun with explosion, so it ended as well.
 
Would I recommend it for others? Yes. Yes I would.

[Oleander]

So right off the bat I notice that Strazio has a few spelling errors and the little fight scene at the beginning felt a bit… awkward. It wasn’t “clumbsy” but it had a few details muted, giving it a very Hollywood feel. Cool to look at, but for my personal flavor the “blows a hole in the wall, but doesn’t mentions effects on Isaac” considering the cabinet was nearby, the explosion apparently avoided Isaac. He escaped while it knocked literally everyone on their ass.
Gildarts had a few inconsistancies too. Unless the shooters had two different types of guns, I don’t imagine they would be far enough apart to really tell that there were multiple shooters. The reason behind how she knew there were EXACTLY two was a bit… underwhelming. She also doesnn’t quite mention what she was carrying during the fight, referring to it as “Artillery.”
Otherwise, the combat felt very fluid from both participants. The two gunslingers went down rather easy, so I assume that they were unskilled (at which point this makes complete sense for a skilled gunslinger of any form.) I perhaps judged this section the harshest because of what I excel at; combat detail and continuity.


Moving on from there, the reaction to the murder from Isaac was both dramatic and somewhat muted. If she had ignored him and just done it, then sure, but she gave false hope alongside killing the downed man… it feels a bit more serious than it was made out to be. For the sake of continuing an RP and achieving dialogue, it might be better this way, but it feels like it could have come up more. The execution felt almost evil in its… well… execution. Also… those giant BANG BANG THWUMP BANG are a bit of an eyesore. Unecessary spacers that would have been fine as one line of italic-bold.
Gildarts suggestion that the Empire has been throwing goons at her for a while also suggests that she is A: Not important enough to throw the big names, and B: that the empire is willing to continue sending numerous small-time goons, figuring they would die, even though subject A is still evident. This is a common trope to make one appear a badass, but it usually insinuates incompetence of the highest order on the “big bad.”
This isn’t to say that I did not like this part of the read. There is a lot said with relatively little dialogue. I’m not reading tons and tons of chatter, but you get a real sense for who each character is. And the way that Gildarts and Strazio play the other’s NPC is fluid – damn near graceful – and helps with building a near story-like continuity that is often difficult to achieve in an RP environment.

The second fight scene had a great deal more detail from both sides. Gildarts outlined the fight rather well, though I had to reread some parts to make sure I had it accurate. I know firsthand an extencive fight scene is difficult to keep fluid, but it is definitely managed (with the exception of only a few bits, but I will chalk those up to grammatical choices which I personally had difficulty fitting into context.)

Strazio follows the same pattern, keeping a fluid storytelling even under high intensity. I have to admit, I enjoy his personality a bit more. It feels definitely more expressive than the drive to be a badass, making Isaac an unintentional badass with a soul. Sorry Christa.

The back and forth keeps me really invigorated to keep reading, but I do continue to see a few common tropes used here and there. A lot of them are pretty easy to miss in the heat of writing things, especially when you want your character to look like a badass, or you want to highlight a special aspect. Isaac’s foolishness to leave foes alive is matched only by Christa’s desire to kill everyone in broad daylight with tons of witnisses and plenty reason to acquire a brand new (and hefty) bounty for first degree murder. Some of these I will go out and say that she can’t even claim self defense. If she is SUPPOSED to be Chaotic Evil, then I can see this working out fine and dandy, but I’m not sure that’s what we were aiming for, due to the way she happily conversed with Strazio, a known peace lover (not to mention ex-imperial.)

I fear I would just repeat myself if I continued. The writing is very fluid (said that at least fifty times) and I like the major clash of character personalities. There is a lot of tension here due to the differences, with the only major similarity being they can’t get drunk and solve their differences by incoherent yammering and drunken stupors.

I feel that the dream sequence should have been longer, but that is only because I am selfish, and that was some major eye-opening stuff. The size is perfect for what it is meant to be; a glimpse into the past. I really love how it does not directly SCREAM it, but it sort of gives the reader insight as to why someone known as the Mu Fuq’n Bloodlance is not some hardened killer.

I kinda liked Damien, but leave it to me to love a good… well… not exactly sure what he would be classified as. The corpse idea shows he really knows Christa, and there is an actual iota of intellect to a perspective villain. And the fleeing from Damien makes up for the leagues of unskilled lambs that were lead to the slaughter, as it shows that this invincible badass is only invincible against lesser thugs and soldiers that she manages to get the drop on.

The end result was pretty unexpected. I went from “They’ll never last” to “I ship it.” It’s not a proud result, but the back and forth that they have, their clashing (almost antiarchal) personalities and the way they both mesh and disrupt the other’s general “funk” makes them as compatible as allies as they would be as enemies. He reigns her in (a bit, maybe, over time, possibly?) and she helps him get things done (by lighting a fire under his ass.)



Edit: Forgot to give a rating... XD I'd definitely say this falls in the margin of Great. It may sound like I disliked it, but I just judge combat a bit harshly because I'm still used to really hardcore reliance on physics over Hollywood showmanship. There were so few incidences though that everything else made it no big deal. Had I not been required to write a post, I wouldn't have bothered breaking it down so much.

Definitely Great.

[Sterling Archer]

Firstly, I'll say this: great job, you two. A really enjoyable read that brought more to the table than I expected. I think one of my favorite parts about this thread is how consistent the writing is between the writers. I've read my share of stories where depending on who is behind the pen, character A can seem like two entirely different people from one post to the next. There's none of that here, which to me says that you both have a respect for the other's character and some real effort went into to. Much appreciated, both as a fellow writer and a reader. I never felt like I had to try and figure out if there was some new character popping up that I hadn't noticed.

The characters themselves are the obvious centerpiece of the story and I feel like they're showcased quite well. While I think I might have preferred maybe a smidge more physical description of our heroes to help me picture them mentally, I feel like their personalities shine through perfectly. I think the first scene really showcases what the reader has to look forward to, after Isaac sees Christa murder the attacker without batting an eye. This scene is really powerful since, at least in my eyes, it shows not only how they're different but how they are similar. Isaac hates to fight and kill, and yet he would to protect someone. Christa is a hardass, but in much the same way, she clearly puts her life on the line to ensure Isaac is safe, even if it might be also largely for her own benefit. If it really was all about "I kill all the time", Isaac would have been left to bleed out in the bar, or killed off for slowing her down. Likewise with the hostage, Christa could have easily blown a hole in her to make it an easier shot. It's an interesting juxtaposition that I feel is deeper than "hey check out my body count". There's thought behind the action and there's a reason for it. Isaac sees a little of his younger self in her, and I feel like there's a part of Christa that almost wishes she could be like Isaac.

Another place I feel like I have to give some real credit is in the vocabulary and the almost poetic way some of the sentences flowed. It really helped to paint a vivid picture, I think. On the other side of the coin, there was a fair amount of typos and small grammar issues that could maybe have been caught with another read-through. This didn't take anything out of the story itself for me personally, but it's something I noticed. I'll also concede here that some things that I might see as grammar issues are actually just style choices, so take this with a good few grains of salt.

Overall, I think this had a little something for everyone. Some really intense action, some heartfelt moments, a fair share of FEEEELS. I wish we had seen more of Damien, but I imagine that will be for next time. =P

Would I recommend this to a friend? You betcha. With that in mind, I'd definitely nominate this for a Great bonus.

[Alex]

Ohh, the odd couple trope. If it was any two lesser writers, this might have been an extremely tired concept. Unfortunately, Sam and Ivan both perform well here (even if it’s clear that you’re both new writers, no offense), and their characters both have points to shine.

It took me until about the 7th or 8th post to realize/remember that this was a prequel to the Secondary Saga. Once I made that connection, the thread became a little more ‘powerful’ for me, because I knew that it was building up into something much grander for Isaac and Christa, rather than just serving as a one-off meeting to establish IC acquaintances.

Something I mention in the ‘stream of consciousness musings’ that I’ll include at the bottom for the author’s sake is that people (myself 100% included) have a really bad habit of assuming everyone has read previous threads they wrote. We often assume that we don’t need to sneak in some minor details for new readers. I’m not saying every thread needs to have an entire 3k word prologue summarizing ‘Last time on Omniverse Z!’ but I think we as writers definitely need to be more effective at connecting separate threads. Weaving them more effectively together. Even just a little earlier blurb about Isaac and Christa’s backgrounds would have helped. I know you guys were saving stuff for ‘reveals’ later in the thread, but there could have been some details released earlier to prevent some confusion as well.

As for the story itself, I felt like the pacing could have been tweaked. The bar fight, while executed pretty nicely, did drag for a little bit, whereas more personal moments like the healing and reflecting at Christa’s room seemed ‘cut for time’. The dream sequence could have been a powerful moment of character development for Isaac, but it felt cut short, as well as his reflection after the fact.

For the characters themselves, I still think it’s weird they even got along. I know they had the ‘fight together against overwhelming odds’ trope to serve as their alliance forged in blood, but still. It pops up in my stream below, but I don’t know what Christa is. Antivillain? Antihero? Reluctant hero? She casually murders someone after seemingly offering to spare them. She also seems apathetic to the idea of accidentally shooting Isaac during the opening fight, yet quickly goes on to befriend him after the fight rather than telling him to go ‘eff himself.

I preferred Isaac by leaps and bounds, even if I have NO CLUE how old he is supposed to be. My assumptions jumped all over the place based on contextual clues and ranged from ‘30s to 60s.’ Honestly. As for Christa… I think you sacrifice a little of her personality having her “try” (for lack of a better word) to be the 100% utter total badass. Not to say that she can’t, but there are points where it feels like she’s just trying to show how stone cold she is for no real reason other than ‘just cause’. Having read other stories with Christa, I *do* know more elements of her backstory and part of why she acts the way she does, but it’s still a bit jarring for me.

Overall, this is a nice thread. You two were both two (relatively) new writers fresh off being in the top-10 (?) in that years DA. Some grammar and spelling flubs DO occur throughout, and I’m left guessing that there was probably some un-edited writing done on the site’s processor.

Even still, this is a nice launching pad for both of you. You’ve both grown a lot in the years since. Kudos. I don't think this qualifies for either bonus. There's just too many little things, but I'm fine saying that because I know it'll get one anyway.

--Stream of Consciousness musings—

[spoiler]
Issac #1

(Story) It’s the Omniverse, why is this dude one-handed?! Get a new one.

I know this is an older thread, so I apologize if I give grammar and style-based retorts that you’ve long-since corrected or adjusted or modified.

(Grammar) I feel like commas are missing. Commas should be more involved in some of your sentences.

(Style/Grammar) I’m a victim of this, but remember that sometimes you can say something more powerfully with less/different words.

“Now the two dogs of the Empire were here to bring him back to his cage”
“Now two Imperial dogs were here to return him to his cage” or possibly “…drag him back...” The ‘two dogs of the Empire’ is just a big mouthful.

(Grammar) “You’re coming with us Isaac, we can do this peacefully or I can blow your head off.”  “You’re coming with us, Issac. We can do this peacefully, or I can blow your head off.”

(Story) So he has Strazio-like blood powers? Dude, you love your blood, don’t you? XD At least it makes a little more sense why he continues to not have a hand.

(Grammar) “hated spilling blood and hated violence,” <- Kind of the same thing, plus with the extra stuff the whole sentence is a bit clunky. I’d cut out the blood part and it would flow (lol) a little better.

(Story) What a dumb old lady, having those explosive reagents on the same shelf.

Overall, a fun post. The story itself was a nice setup, and it creates some more mystery, since I have 0 background on Issac.

Christa #1

My only experience with Christa is DA2k16. Glad to see she hasn’t changed.

(Story) I wonder why she’s getting drunk in a bar at midday. Seems like a Christa thing to do, but still. People far too often assume that everyone knows where their character came from or was doing prior to a scene, especially when they hop into a new thread like this. After getting some of the feedback for me own thread, I know that I’m going to be more mindful of ensuring that there are smoother transitions not only when I end of a thread but also when I create a new one. It’s all supposed to be one on-going saga.

(Grammar) “The female launched herself toward the nearby destruction as she whipped out her artillery that would easily get the job done.” I dunno what it is, but this sentence was really awkward to me. I know what you’re doing here, but I think there was a less jarring way to execute this. Maybe with two quick sentences instead of one long one.

(Grammar) “This raid felt like a war-zone and Christa couldn't exactly ask the bullet shells that her boots stomped who was fighting her prey.” <- Again, a lot of stuff is going on in here. I found myself doubling back on this sentence to make sure I got it.

(Character) Oh, lol, Christa with the smack-talk. Didn’t expect that.

(Story) A minor thing, but you mentioned pretty armor in initial descriptions of the tandem and then described the first one as wearing a cheesy shirt. I know the other guy was armored, but I had to pause for a moment to make sure the shirt guy wasn’t new.

(Character) “Christa thought and was about to launch herself at the soldier to aid the innocent that had been caught up in this web. Though, if he got in her bullets' way, she wouldn't exactly complain.” It’s stuff like this that confuses me a little about Christa. Is she an antihero, just flocking to the sound of chaos to have a chance to throw down? Or is she supposed to be a reluctant hero? The fact that she seems calm with the prospect of killing a guy seems to conflict with why she’d get involved anyway.

(Character) Why is she hesitating to kill this guy.

Issac #2

(Character) The visual of blood like, swirling and ‘dancing’ in the air around Issac’s stump was wonderful.

(Grammar) “A slight grin formed on Isaac’s grizzled face, glad that he was able to spare a life.” I’d try this as two sentences or use a smoother transition.

(Grammar) I’mma read your recent stuff, and if you’re missing commas, I’mma start heckling you like I used to do to Trixie back in 2k11.

(Character) Ahh, okay, that’s Christa.

(Character) How old is Isaac? He’s referred to as a veteran, which has me thinking he’s in his forties?

(Character) lol, two people with immunity to booze drinking away, always a hoot. But I gotta agree with Isaac, why would Christa think they were after her?

(Character) Awesome, the tease of backstory. This should be a good one.

Christa #2

(Story) As an aside, I felt like the first few paragraphs could have been left out. It felt like a bit of backtracking over into Isaac’s post.

(Story) Ahh, I really like the bit with Christa ‘accidentally’ letting the shot glass fly at Isaac’s face. That was a nice touch.

(Story) Still wondering why the Empire hates Christa =p

(Character) HOW OLD IS ISAAC.

Isaac #3

Random aside, but I find it weird that people use Empire has an adjective. I’ve always used Imperial (capital I), like they do in the Star Wars movies. Think it sounds better to call it an Imperial Stormtrooper than an Empire Stormtrooper.

(Character/Story) I really enjoyed the back-and-forth between those two in the middle of the post. I liked the fact that they have very diametrically opposed views toward violence. It created a nice contrast, along with the physical contrast of an old guy and a younger woman sitting in a bar taking shots.

Christa #3

(Story) As an aside, there was a really bad disjoint between this post and the end of the Isaac’s post.

(Grammar) “Her eyes flickered with rage as the loudmouth woman freshly held the cold steel in her hands.” <- I’m assuming Christa is the loudmouthed woman, but I would have just used ‘she’ instead of that phrase, because who are we to know if there were any female thugs at the bar that day.

I enjoyed the bar fight. A lot of high-value shock and gore and mayhem, which seems to be Christa’s MO. I thought her reaction to the bartender was a touch bit callous. She knew his name, so I’m assuming there was at least some type of previous interaction, yet she just stood over him and watched him bleed (to death?) Also, I’m surprised she didn’t just put a bullet through the girl to kill the guy behind her, though.

(Grammar) Are you are you’ve been spelling the guy’s name as Issac instead of Isaac?

Isaac #4

Oh, Isaac, getting show by someone still alive. You just had to play into Christa’s macabre view of the world, didn’t you?

(Story) Also, is getting shot in the shoulder really that lethal, Isaac? You ain’t gonna bleed out unless they shot through one of those armpit blood vessels or something like that =p

Christa #4

(Story) This was before the Secondary Saga, right? I’m assuming it was possibly one of the lead-ins, given the detail spent describing Christa’s wall map. Actually, this was probably the thread that lead to the idea. Would make sense, given Isaac’s motives here.

(Character) These two continue to have bizarre interactions, but I liked the setup here, since I figured out where it’s going. The fact that Christa knew the old lady’s store was a trap was a very nice bookend and is one of those tiny little things that I absolutely love in stories.

Isaac #5

(Story) Part of me knows it’s the goal of the story, but I think these two clicked a little bit too well. Some lingering tension would have been nice, but they just immediately seem to become allies. It seems a little rushed, and I think a little more to this narrative would have helped sell their odd-pals alliance.

(Story) Oooh, Sector 8. Imperial or pre-OV? That’s the only tidbit I wanted to know. I’m assuming the latter.

Christa #5

(Story) I’m never going to be a fan of the tactic of backtracking for one’s opening paragraph(s) regardless of how good the writer may be or how nice a person they are =p

(Story) Lots of clues in here to – I’m assuming – previous stories. Damien. Torn jeep.

(Story) Some Jason Bourne stuff there, jumping from a burning building perfectly into a getaway car, lol.

(Character) “we got way back” oh, Christa

Isaac #6

(Story) There’s a weird pacing flub between these last two posts. Christa’s post had me thinking you guys were out far ahead, and just being trailed. In this post, it feels more like a traditional, high-speed car chase. Dunno which one you two may have been going for.[/spoiler]

[Omni]

Remember to give a rating, guys: No Bonus, Great or Exemplary.

[Odin]

Strazio Rockwell (Isaac):
 
Post 1: So, for an intro post, there are two things I am looking for: First, do I get a sense of the character? Second, do I want to read more? I give this one a definite yes on both accounts. There were some grammatical errors but not enough to mess with understanding what was going on.
 
Post 2: First, the giant bold letters. I know some people didn’t like them. I do. Gun shots at point blank range when you aren’t expecting them are loud and jarring. I really felt those shots. The drinking thwumps worked for me too. It really set the pace of the scene. Also, I think you did a good job writing for the other character in the scene, which a lot of people can’t/won’t do. The post developed the characters well and was kept interesting by the snappy dialogue.
 
Post 3: Again, I like the snappy back and forth. There are kind of a lot of grammar mistakes that would be caught with a proofread or even by word, but they were so many that I couldn’t follow things.
 
Post 4: I really liked that Stazio suffered the consequences of his decisions. It isn’t a sacrifice or hard choice to let people live if you never have to pay for it. It also shows that Christa isn’t evil, she is just doing what she feels she must to survive.
 
Post 5: I felt the dream sequence was cut perfectly as far as when to start and end it. Beginning and ending a scene in the right place is something I have really been trying to work on, so I really appreciated that.
 
Post 6: I have a hard time putting my finger on why this isn’t my favorite post. I think maybe it felt like an anti-climax.
 
Final Conclusion: Overall, I really liked it. I really enjoyed the dialogue and character development. The weakest point would be grammar. The action writing could be improved a little, but that is far from me saying it was subpar.
 
Great!
 
 
 
 
 
Girldarts (Christa):

Post 1: So, same thing here as with Strazio. I easily got a sense of Christa, and it was a fun and exciting post. On top of that, did he build on the previous post? Yes, he did. Like Stazio, some grammar errors but not enough to make things hard to understand.
 
Post 2: More good character development. I really got a sense of how guarded and suspicious she was despite her devil-may-care demeaner. My one complaint was that the already slow scene was further slowed down by the inclusion of a lot of detail about what was happening. It wasn’t bad detail. I just felt that there was a little too much, and it distracted from the action of the scene.
 
Post 3: I really like your action scenes. If you have a little too much detail about what’s going on during dialogue, that tendency pays off during fights. I found it pretty easy to follow what was going on without losing the sense of chaos that a bar brawl has. I also like how the fight was an extension of their argument without only being that.
 
Post 4: Ok, I am going to be nitpicky here because overall it was another good post. That being said, it felt a little funny to go from the sense of urgency the wound created to the description of the room. I think a more natural flow would have been to deal with the injury first, and then when things slow down, have Isaac visually explore the room. Then again, that could just be personal preference.
 
Post 5: A little slow to start, but once the action got going, a really good scene. Also, a good interdiction to Damien.
 
Final Conclusion: Very strong action writing and interesting character. If anything needs improvement, it would be dialogue and scene pacing.
 
Great!

[Guu]

Okay! So we have another Bookclub, and once again I’m late!

Welp, let’s do this!


An Alliance Forged in Blood
By Gildarts and Strazio Rockwell

Okay! Well, I needed to read more of Marie’s stuff, and it’ll also be good to see some work by Strazio! I’ve seen the title in passing, but I have yet to read it, so here we go! Bullet point reaction!

~Okay, so immediately, this is not Starzio himself. I knew Gildarts played a secondary in this, but surprised to find all of this was NPC.

~The mention of Dante’s Abyss made me check the date of when this was published, geeze… This topic was an oldie!

~You can never trust old lady mystics, BUREAUCRATS THE LOT OF ‘EM!

~So I didn’t check Isaac's description until after I read this post so the blood attack I did not expect.

~And the chase is on! Cue Benny Hill music!

~I remember Christa from the Secondary Sega. A lot more action oriented than I remembered, but then again, my memory is crap. Maybe she killed a thousand orcs.

~I did like that little detail with the bartender. Good character moment.

~"Oh, howdy boys. I thought I smelled some dirty mutts enter town."
It’s not a bad line, but it would have been more effective if you described their reactions briefly before going straight into the action again. Just so it has a chance to land. Just a short blurb of them shooting a glance at each other or having a moment of realization. Either that or shorten it, because it’s long enough that to feel like there was a few seconds pause. Just imagine in a movie, the hero stops dead in her tracks to say a witty one liner, and the action stops for like 2-3 seconds before going right back into the fight, just would feel clunky to stop and start for so long, any reaction would be a good transition.

But eh, I’m no expert. Take it for a grain of salt.

~Combat is alright! <3

~Good incorporating Isaac’s pacifism! I’m guessing the next post their conflict.

~Well, he tried to talk her out of needlessly killing…

~I applaud the scene at the bar, very fun!

~Also, starting a drinking contest when you’re immune to alcohol. XD
Being a pacifist doesn’t mean he can’t cheat at bar games apparently.

~Oh! Okay, Christa is mostly immune, too! Okay, I guess it’s a race to see who’s stomach explodes. XD

~Also, noticed that Starzio writes Christa with a lot more cursing.

The really trippy part? This post came out before that game did…

~More clashing of world views, nice, nice.

~”Several large thugs had surrounded the duo and they looked none too friendly. Each of them members of a local gang and each of them meaner than the last.”
Maybe insinuate that they are part of the local gang from their descriptions and not outright saying it? Just a suggestion

~Jesus, what a massacre. I’m reminded of Kill Bill Part 1 now…

~Helping innocent woman, make sure she’s plastered!

~Yeah, I’d expect blood powers would save your ass when you get shot. Also, lucky he didn’t hit the brain.

~Off to christa’s place! I’m guessing the Hospital isn’t the best option considering the town full of thugs…

~ Did I mention I do like the character dynamics between these two? The choice of match up was obviously planned and not something that came together on a fly.

~I loved the care and detail that went into Christa’s apartment. I loved the maps that decorated her walls. I need to do this with Isabelle eventually…

~Isaac gets in bed under command of his new friend. Take that out of context.

~Though, I do love the mystery of it, did christa sleep on the floor, or did she just not sleep? Wouldn’t be shocked either way. It is a nice detail, a character quirk of sorts.

~Haha, “Trap.” Was it that obvious? XD

~Nice that Isaac has gained some respect for his murderous comrade. Kind of surprising considering how much friction they had earlier, but I guess her charisma won him over eventually.

~Isaac's friend took the words “disarm him” way too literally.

~Though in all seriousness, that was pretty gruesome.

~Christa being kind of creepy, just sitting in the middle of the room watching him sleep… then again, I have a phobia relating to people watching me when I’m unconscious so that maybe just me.

~We’re off to see the Omni! The wonderful Omni of the Omniverse. We’re off we’re off we’re off….

~Woah, did Christa just murder a friend? I mean, she kind of assumed a little much with those shots…

~Heh, craziness, this whole post.

~ To tangled… OH FUCK! I REMEMBER ISAAC NOW! HE WAS ALSO IN SECONDARY SAGA! OH GOD! THIS IS A GODDAMN PREQUEL TO THAT!

~God, everyone was probably laughing at my earlier statements, damn…

~I start to read the next post and I still can’t believe I didn’t piece that together sooner. I even mentioned earlier how this took place soon after DA which was around the time the Secondary Saga began...

~You will remember this as the day that you almost caught Christa and Isaac.


This is a very great read! Had a fun time all the way through! The two had a pretty good chemistry which is impressive considering how unalike these two are.

My only problems with it were the tiny nitpicks I already pointed out in the reactions, and there were minor flow issues, like Christa cursing like a sailor in Strazio’s posts but mysteriously softening up on the language when Gildarts was up to bat. Not huge problems, I know better anyone that these kinds of communication errors are kind of natural in collaborations.

I rate this with a solid Great!

[Daniel]

Book Club #2 is closed, OM and bonus distribution will be done within 24 hours

[Daniel]

All OM and bonuses have been given out for this Book Club (Excepet for Alex because he hasn't told me who he wants his OM going to).

[Revan Noctis]

This story started in a place that could easily be referred to plainly as the desert. It starts with a character played by Strazio named Isaac. Isaac seems to be on a quest to stop an anger prone Prime from getting himself in trouble.

The character seems to be looking for Omni, most strange. Next we shift to Gildarts characters Christa who is hanging out with some cowboys who I guess are suited for this kind of endless desert.

I have no idea why the Empire hates these people Orman they hate the Empire but it is an interesting fight nonetheless. Seem s Isaac desires as little violence as possible while Christa seeks out as much trouble as possible to get her thrills.

Next we get some back story in a bar scene, not as good as the cantina scene from Star Wars but it serves its purpose.

Both these characters seem to have high hopes, one wanting to go to the oververse while the other wants to fight the Empire, no chance of their goals being boring it seems. I do wonder how they got themselves into this though.

Using omnillium as the currency is odd to me but make sure sense considering it’s basically the middle of nowhere, the two seem to make quite a pair.
Together strazio and gildarts make quite a writing pair with both adding much to the story.

I do wonder if the two were experienced with western movies? Either way it was easier to follow then some of them I’ve seen.

Cars on the other hand not something in western movies but cool to read, I personally dont know much about the endless dunes but I wasn’t expecting vehicles. The ending seems to point to a continued adventure, I think the pair of characters have a good chance of achieving something but not without a lot of fighting and further sacrifice.

[King Ghidorah]

NNNNNnnnnnnnngggggbook-club. An Alliance Forged In Blood. 

*puts on his reviewin' goggles* 

Okay. General stuff first.

The thing I liked most about this story was that, not having read anything else featuring either character, their personalities were brought across vividly and effectively enough for me to develop some sense of them as people: Christa's cocky self-assuredness and over-prepared eagerness to do violence, and Issac's weariness of combat and death thanks to having seen far too much of both.  The overall situation was easy to grasp, and the feeling that Christa and Issac were hunted was a genuine presence within the narrative. 

Now, for more specific feedback:

Gildarts: I'm going to preface my comments by saying that you've improved tremendously since you wrote this, and any criticisms I happen to level upon you here should be considered strictly in light of the story I'm judging. Cool? Cool. Alrighty...

You established Christa's personality immediately, and dived more-or-less directly into the action, the overall feel of which you brought across extremely well. Your writing in this thread had an almost poetic use of language, but therein lies a rather large problem. Sentences like this one:

A single pull of her reflex and out came the cry of her readied gun as his flesh was littered in hot lead.

Mean that the reader has to work sometimes to figure out what's going on in your posts. You have a problem with not quite getting the contextual use of certain words or their accompanying linking-verbs right; some of your sentences violate basic rules of grammatical structure pretty badly, and I honestly couldn't always tell if it was deliberate or not. Once I did work it all out, the images were very vivid, and you're description of small details - things like the clatter of spent shells and the twinkle of broken glass - really tied the action together, but getting there was sometimes a bit more of an effort than I would have liked; Particularly during a drawn-out fight scene like the one in the bar, if a reader has to work too hard to keep up, you're in danger of losing their interest.


All that said, the actual structure and content of your action scenes is practically cinematic. The (for lack of a better word) choreography was excellent, almost like something out of one of the better class of bond-films. In short, you have an excellent visual imagination, a knack for charting the 'shape' of a scene, and a firm grasp of both your character and your co-writer's - but you could do with some proof-reading.  



Strazio: Same disclaimer. Present-Strazio's writing beats the tar out of old-Strazio's writing but it is old-Strazio's writing I'm reviewing here. 

You write some pretty good dialogue, and you do an excellent job of bringing across Issac's overall distress with his situation. His reactions to Christa's violence feel very genuine for the most part, though at times his stated opinion and the way he reacts don't seem to jibe; Particularly when they first met, it seemed like he should have objected more strongly when she executed that thug, but after that they developed a convincing sort of chemistry, riffing off their mutual (though differently manifested) emotional damage. By the end of the story they genuinely do seem to have bonded. 

That said, you tend to dwell on emotions and exposition for slightly longer than you necessarily need to - sometimes an extra few words, sometimes a whole extra sentence. You established Issac's aversion to violence early on, but his continued horror and dismay at Christa's affinity for carnage continued to be emphasized to the point where it took me out of the narrative. 

I'm not sure how I felt  about the dream sequence. It was a good piece of background, but it also interrupted the overall flow of the story, and I feel like it could have made for some excellent dialogue if handled slightly differently. 

Overall, you were pretty solid. Your prose was tight, your action was frantic, and your word-choice was on point. The giant bolded sound-effects were a bit garish, but I can chalk that up to youthful exuberance. 


 

I'd recommend a Great bonus for Strazio. 

Sadly, I just can't get past Gildarts'  broken grammar in this thread. It really threw me off. I love ya Sam, but I can't recommend a bonus in good conscience.

[Gilgamesh]

I'll be doing my review post by post so prepare for that

Straizo-
I was a little lost in the beginning but that was due to me not reading your previous threads. You quickly catch up the reader so that was pleasant.
"weathered women with soft white hair" not sure if it's just me but this seems like a contradiction. A weathered woman I think of as rugged and the soft hair proves to be opposite to that.
That plot twist with the granny being in on it was nice. It was a pleasant fight scene.
Sometimes you could do better by showing rather than telling.
for example, you blatantly hit the reader in the head with "This was his power, he could control his blood and turn it into a macabre weapon. " You could make this better by demonstrating this power, which you do with the blood tendrils. That would be super cool and unexpected to a new reader and familiar to an old reader.

Gildarts-
You write very clear scenes but sometimes you word things weirdly, for example "A rain of rock " just reads weird even though I know what you mean. You do this a lot with sentences that make sense but could be worded slightly different to make it easier on the readers eyes.

"A single pull of her reflex and out came the cry of her readied gun as his flesh was littered in hot lead." this has the same problem.

Straizo-

"“Christa” she answered curtly, the barrel of her rifle stilled jammed against the man’s temple. Isaac stood up and raised his hand in a non-threatening manner." This is great. I learn a lot about both characters with a simple interaction. It also made me smile.

So you have in giant text the "BANG BANG BANG" while this provides a great contrast to the earlier statements the visual draws the reader to it immediately. All the suspense was lost cause I already saw the soldier was getting shot. This would have had a better effect if

So i love the contrast in character's you portray. Isaacs mercy and helplessness with Christa's jaded, killng nature provide for great banter.

Gildarts-
Is Smitty the bartender? You never named him before so I have no clue.
You still create great scenery and have very vivid imagery. This is a strong suit of yours.
Not sure if it's intentional but with your posts combined with Straz's I feel like Christa is the antagonist to the story. I immediately connect to Issac and like the character a lot. Your point of view solidifies that and make him more likable by contrasting it with your character's. If this is intentional, great!

Straz-
"She grabbed the glass and eyed Isaac’s offer carefully. Her sharp eyes scanned his weathered face for signs of deception. He offered no trickery and instead gave her a soft smile. Reluctantly she clinked her glass against his and they downed their respective booze. Isaac finally felt the kick of the liquor and tapped his hand on the counter. “Alright, you win. I’m at my limit” he lied. Even after the incredible amount of alcohol he consumed the Bloodlance could have kept going, but he could tell Christa wanted the victory more than him.
She laughed at him and patted him on the back “what’s wrong old man? Can’t keep up?”

Isaac shrugged and raised his hand in surrender “I guess not.”"

This was a primo interaction. You create a great love for the duo and I'm becoming more attached to the characters.

“We heard you an’ your girlyfriend here were causin’ some trouble, bad-mouthing our boys and such.”

Oh fuck don't piss Christa off. You dun goofed.

“Yeah!” Christa swung the boot of her weapon into the thug’s chest, knocking him off balance “because we’re about to fuck this place up!”

YEEAHP. This is satisfying. Great job

Gildarts-
"RESPECT THIS!" -Great A+ banter. This is great.

Great fight scene. Thrilling, nice banter but again you fall into the same trap in which you have awkward phrasing.
"The voice of reason. What a surprise. "- Great insight into your character's mind.

Overall the rest of your posts show the same tendencies in which you two keep on helping with your strong suits and compensating the other's weaknesses. For Straizo I would recommend a great bonus and Gild you're very close to exempllary but for now I wouldn't give a bonus just due to the awkward phrasing